Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Germans

So you're sure you'll be all right? - What, Basil? - You'll be all right? Will you get me my bed jacket? Bed jacket.
In the drawer, the blue one, in the drawer! Now, you won't forget the fire drill tomorrow? I won't, dear.
I can cope, you know.
This one? That's not blue.
It's got blue things on it.
They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with flowers, did I? No, you didn't.
I only picked that one up to annoy you.
What have you got all this stuff for? What? You're only here three days, you gonna play charades every night? This one? - Is it blue? - Bluish, I suppose.
Now you will remember to collect the stuff from Thomas', won't you? Yes, I will.
And I forgot to scrape the mold off the cheddar this morning, so remind the chef.
Right.
And try to find time to get the moosey's head up.
Oh.
It's been sitting there for two weeks, Basil.
Yes, yes, yes.
I don't know why you bought it.
It will lend the lobby a certain ambience, Sybil.
It has a touch of style about it.
It's got a touch of mange about it.
That is not so.
It's got things living in it, Basil.
It's nasty.
It is not nasty, it is superb.
I'm not going to argue with you, Basil, just get it up out of the way.
I don't want to snag any more cardies on it.
And will you get me my phone book, please? Like I don't have enough to do.
I mean, I'm on my own, the Germans are arriving tomorrow not till lunchtime.
You could do it in the morning.
I've got the fire drill in the morning.
That only takes 10 minutes in the bag! I thought slavery'd been abolished.
Don't you ever think about anybody but yourself? In the bag! Oh, in the bag.
Let me do it.
You just lie there with your feet up and I'll carry you up another hundredweight of lime creams.
I am actually about to undergo an operation, Basil.
Oh, yes, how is the old toenail? Still growing in, still burrowing its way down to the bone, still macheteing its way through the nerve? Nasty old nail.
It's still hurting, if that's what you mean, Basil.
It'll be out in the morning, poor little devil.
I wonder if they'd mount it for me, just for old time's sake.
I'm sure it's worth asking.
You could hang it on the wall, next to the moose.
- They'd go well together.
- Ha, ha, ha.
There you are.
Come along, out you go.
Oh, were you talking to me? I'm sorry, I thought there was a dog in here.
No, no dogs in here.
I wouldn't bet on it.
Now come along, you're in the way.
Fawlty's the name.
Mr.
Fawlty.
- Let's sit you up a bit.
- Thank you, sister.
Now pop that under your tongue.
You still here? Apparently.
The doctor's coming.
My God! A doctor, here in the hospital? Whatever can we do? You can leave.
Why do they call you "Sister"? Is it a term of endearment? Now look, Mr.
Fawlty, I won't ask you again! Presumably you wouldn't mind if I said goodbye to my wife? She is under the knife tomorrow.
It's an ingrowing toenail.
You know, do you? That'll help.
Just take care, and if you think of any more things for me to do, don't hesitate to call.
- Finished? - Just.
Thank you so much.
Not at all.
Ingrowing toenail.
Right foot.
You'll find it on the end of the leg.
Bye, darling.
Mr.
Fawlty? Yes? Dr.
Fin.
How do you do, doctor? You've just seen your wife? Just said goodbye Well, au revoir.
Yes, it is a very simple operation, but it will be quite painful afterwards.
Will it? Oh, dear.
Just for a time, but don't worry.
I'll try not to.
Quite painful? Yes.
Evening, Major.
Evening, Fawlty.
Hampshire won.
Did it? Oh, isn't that good? How splendid.
Oh, Fawlty, How's um My wife? That's it.
Fine.
Absolutely fine.
They're taking it out tomorrow morning.
Is she? Good.
Not her, the nail.
They won't have operated till tomorrow.
- What? - The nail.
They're taking it out tomorrow.
How did she get a nail in her? I told you, she's having her toenail out.
What, just one of them? It's an ingrowing one.
If it's causing you pain, you have it out.
Exactly.
So I'm on my own now, start running this place properly.
So you're on your own? Apparently, yes.
She won't be away for long, will she? Not unless there's a serious mistake.
You've always got Elsie to help you.
- Who? - Elsie.
She left a couple of years ago, major.
Funny, I thought I saw her yesterday.
I don't think so.
She's in Canada.
Strange creatures, women.
Well, can't stand around all day I knew one once.
Striking looking girl, tall, you know.
Father was a banker.
Really? Don't remember the name of the bank.
Never mind.
I must have been keen on her because I took her to see India! India? At the Oval! Fine match.
A marvelous finish.
Now, Surrey had to get 33 in half an hour, and she went off to powder her Her hands or something.
Women never came back.
What a shame.
The strange thing was that throughout the morning, she kept referring to the Indians as "Niggers.
" No, no, I said.
Niggers are the West Indians, these people are Wogs! No, no, she said, all cricketers are Niggers.
They do get awfully confused.
They're not thinkers.
I see it with Sybil every day.
I wish I could remember her name, she's still got my wallet.
As I was saying, no capacity for logical thought.
Who? Women.
Oh, yes.
I thought you meant Indians.
No, wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "They have minds like Swiss cheese"? What do you mean? Hard? No, full of holes.
Really? Indians? No, women! Oh.
Can we help you? Hello.
You see? Three years at college, she doesn't know the time of day.
About two minutes to 6:00.
What are you looking for? My German book.
We've got some Germans arriving tomorrow, so Polly's brushing up another one of her languages.
Germans? Coming here? Just for a couple of days, major.
I don't care much for Germans.
I know what you mean, but bunch of Krauts, that's what they are, all of 'em.
Bad eggs! Forgive and forget, Major God knows how, the bastards, still I'd better put the moose up.
Well, you've got to love 'em, I suppose, haven't you? Germans? No, women! I hate Germans Love women.
What about German women? Good card players, but I wouldn't give them the time of day.
Found it.
I don't know what you're bothering with that for.
They said some of them didn't speak English.
Well, that's their problem, isn't it? I don't know why she's got to complicate everything.
Got her cardy, did you? By Jove! Nearly 6:00, Fawlty.
Is it? Yes, well, when you're ready, I might have a fruit juice or something.
I'll open up the moment I've done this, Major.
No immediate hurry.
Drunken old sod.
Polly! Polly! Manuel! Oh Yes, Fawlty Towers, Hello? I was just doing it, you stupid woman, I just put it down to come here to be reminded by you to do what I'm already What's the point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing? What is the bloody point? I'm doing it, aren't I? Yes, I picked it up.
No, I haven't had a chance yet.
I've been at it solidly ever since I got back.
Yes, I will.
No, I haven't yet, but I will, yes, I know it, I'll try and get it cleared up.
Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left, or Enjoy the operation, dear, let's hope nothing goes wrong.
I wish it was an ingrowing tongue.
Yes? It's the Admirable Crichton.
Well? You called, sir? Last week.
But not to worry.
¿Qué? Oh, Buddah.
Look, go and get me a hammer.
¿Cómo? Hammer.
"Hammer"Oh, hammer sandwich! Do I have to go through this every time? Look, a hammer! My hamster? No, not your hamster.
How can I knock a nail in with your hamster? Well, I could try, no, it doesn't matter, all right, I'll get it, you come here, and tidy.
You know, tidy? Oh, tidy, sí.
I get hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it hhhard.
Hammer.
Hammer.
How are you, sir? You see, I speak English well.
I learn it from a book.
Hello.
I am English.
Hello.
How are you, sir? I can speak English.
Oh, hello, Major.
How are you today? I'm I'm I'm fine, thank you.
Is a beautiful day today.
Is it? Yes, yes, I suppose it is.
Yes, I can speak English.
I learn it from a book.
Did you? Did you really? There you are, Fawlty.
Yes, I'm just going to open up, Major.
Oh, fine.
I say, that's a remarkable animal you have there, Fawlty.
Where did you get it? Samson's, in the town.
Really? Was it expensive? £12, I think.
Good Lord.
Japanese, was it? Canadian, I think, major.
I didn't know the Canadians were as clever as that.
My God.
He started early.
Polly, what's that smell? Flowers.
I just got them from the garden.
What are you stinking the place out for? What's happened to the plastic ones? Being ironed.
Will you answer that please? I'm trying to put this up.
Fawlty Towers? Oh, hello, Mrs.
Fawlty.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it now! Tell her I'm doing it now! He says he's doing it now.
How's the nail? I wish it was this one.
There.
Tell the Tyrant Queen her cardies are safe forever.
Mr.
Moose is up.
It's done, done, done! It's up.
It's down again.
Did you use a wall plug? Give it to me! Give it to me Aaah! No, he just fell over Manuel, and he seems to have got himself jammed under the swivel chair.
And the flowers have just fallen on him.
No, everything else is fine.
Up.
Up.
Easy.
Very good.
- Right.
- Good.
Is good.
Is good.
Oh, what is Right, well, go on, get back to your work.
£12.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
You know there's a fire drill in a few minutes, do you? No, no, we didn't.
You hadn't read the notice? No.
Right, well, when you hear the bell if you'd be so kind as to get out for a few moments, we have to clear the building.
Thank you so much.
Mr.
Fawlty, you know it's nearly 12:00? - Yes? - Well, the fire drill? Yes, I hadn't forgotten.
I just told somebody.
I can cope.
I mean, you know what you're doing, do you? Help get people out of the bedrooms upstairs, while learning two Oriental languages.
- Mr.
Fawlty? - Yes? Who else is doing the upstairs? Only you, it doesn't take a moment.
Yes, but I'm only here at mealtimes.
So? What happens if there's a fire when I'm not here? Who does the upstairs then? Well, we'll worry about that when we come to it.
What's the panic? Always an argument about everything.
Hello, Fawlty Towers? Oh, what is it now? Can't you leave me in peace? Yes, we're just gonna have it, I haven't forgotten! Yes, I know I need the key It's on the top of the Well, where is it? Well, what'd you put it in there for? Nobody's going to steal it, are they? Yes, yes, I know that you know, but I don't Yes, I do now, thank you so much.
Why's she got to complicate it? I put something down, I know where it is, so she has to come along and move the damn thing so I can't find it.
Well, what'd she put that on Oh, I might've guessed.
Sorry, Major, only the burglar alarm.
Sorry.
What? Sorry, Miss Tibbs.
That was the burglar alarm.
Fire drill's not for a couple minutes.
Sorry.
- Excuse me? - Burglars, Fawlty? No, no, my wife left excuse me? Yes? Sorry, that wasn't the fire bell sorry, that was just the I thought there was a drill.
Yes, there is.
At 12:00, but not yet.
But it is 12:00.
Not quite, thank you.
Excuse me? Well, I make it 12:00.
I'm afraid that wasn't the What time do you make it, Major? - Look - Burglars about, I think.
It doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.
- What? - It hasn't started yet! But that was the bell, wasn't it? No! He means the drill hasn't started yet.
What drill? We didn't hear a drill.
No, no, look, look That was the burglar alarm.
See! - The burglar alarm? - Yes! - Are there burglars? - Evidently.
No, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple.
We have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell.
That wasn't the fire bell, right? Well, how were we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell? Because it doesn't sound like the fire bell! - It did! - It didn't! - It did! - No, it didn't! The fire bell's a different it's a semi-tone higher! A semi-tone? At least! Anyway, the fire drill doesn't start till 12:00! It is 12:00! Well, it is now, because we've been standing about arguing about it! How on earth can you expect us to tell which bell is which? We haven't heard them yet, have we? You want to hear them? Suits me.
Here's the burglar alarm.
Ought we to catch them first? There aren't any! Then why does the alarm keep going? All right? Got that? Right? What's happening now? Now here's the fire bell, right? It's a completely different sound, listen.
Well, where are you going? Well, there is a drill, isn't there? No, no, no, no, no, don't be this is so that you can hear the bell so you know in a moment When I ring the bell! What are you doing? Will you come back? We're going outside.
No, just listen to it, you old fool! - What? - Listen to it! Fire, fire, everybody out please, fire! Out, out.
Will you shut up? Will you shut up? - Is fire.
- Is not fire.
Is only bell.
Where are you going? Upstairs There isn't a drill yet, I'm just showing them what the bell sounds like.
Now will you go in there? - Go help chef.
- Chef not here.
Well, go and start the chips.
- Chips? - Yes.
When bell go again, stay.
No fire, only practice.
Tell him, Polly.
Thank you, thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you so much.
Perhaps they're upstairs.
What's happening now? We're having it! Now, are we all agreed on what the fire bell sounds like? Yes.
Splendid.
Well, now that's settled, we'll have the fire drill, which will commence in exactly 30 seconds from now.
Thank you so much.
What are you doing? I mean, are you just going to stand there? Well, what do you suggest? Well, couldn't one or two of you go in the bar and a few in the dining room? Use your imagination! Why? Well, this is supposed to be a fire drill.
There's only a few seconds.
Right, right.
Well, stay where you are because obviously if there was a fire, you'd all be standing down here like this in the lobby, wouldn't you? Don't know why we bother.
We should let you all burn! No, no, no.
Please.
No, no, no, no.
Fuego! Fuego! Fuego! Fuego! Aah! No, no, there aren't any, Major, it went off by accident.
Oh, come on, Angina.
Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
Fire! Fire! Fire! - No! - Yes! Sí! Look, will you get back in there? Shut up! I mean, just get on with your work! Please, Mr.
Fawlty, is fire! Did you hear what I said? No, but is fire.
Is no fire.
Is only bell.
Is fire, is fire, is fire! He thinks there's a fire.
Everybody's out upstairs.
No, Manuel, listen, de nada, de nada, there is no fire! Is fire! Is fire! Well, that'll keep the fire department happy for another six months, why we bother - Fire! - Will you shut up? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, you can come back in now.
Yes, we've just had it.
Shut up! Yes, I will.
Have you told chef about the cheddar? Mr.
Fawlty! Mr.
Fawlty! Yes? There's an awful row.
Yes, I know right, right, I'll deal with it.
Thank you so much for poking your nose in where if you don't stop this You save me! Right.
Ladies and gentlemen, could I have everyone down here in the lobby? Yes, sorry, sorry to disturb you like this, but there is something that I think I ought to mention.
I'm not quite sure how this happened, in fact, it's never happened at this hotel before, and I'm not quite sure how it's started now.
What is it? Well, the point is, can I put it this way? - F - What? F-fire.
F-f-fire.
- Fire? - Fire! - Where? - There! Fire.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! I don't know what to do! I'll call Sybil! - Ring the alarm.
- What? - Ring the alarm.
- Oh, right.
Where's the key? Where is the I mean would you believe it? I mean, would you believe it? The first time we've ever had a fire here in this hotel and somebody's lost the key! I mean isn't that typical of this place? Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much! Smash the glass! What? Smash the glass.
Hello? Thank you.
Right, right, out the door.
Quick, Manuel! Pull, pull, man, pull! Right, open the door.
Well, thank you for coming to see me.
Not at all, I was just How are you feeling? The fire! - It's all - The fire! It's out.
There's not much damage.
Where is it, where are they? What are you doing? Got to get back.
Basil, will you get back into bed? Yes, what is it now?! I'm going to call someone if you don't get back into bed.
Listen, Sybil, please, I'll handle this if you don't mind.
Now, what sort of a room do you want? Basil! Oh, there you are, I can't stand around chattering all day, I've got to get back.
Basil, you are not well.
The doctor says you've got concussion.
You must rest.
I'll rest when I get to the hotel.
I've just spoken to Polly, they are managing perfectly well.
Do you know what that fire extinguisher did? It exploded in my face.
I mean, what is the point of a fire extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually have a fire, when you actually need the bloody thing, it blows your head off! I mean, what is happening to this country? It's bloody Wilson! What a lot of noise.
Now what are you doing out of your bed? I'm going home, thank you so much.
Yes, well, we'll let the doctor decide that now, shall we? - No, let's not.
- Now, come along.
Don't touch me.
I don't know where you've been.
Yes, yes, we must have our little jokes, mustn't we? Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling.
Basil? - Hmm? - I'll get the doctor.
You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.
How dare you talk to sister like that.
Get back into bed.
You do not seem to realize that I am needed at the hotel.
No, you're not.
It's running beautifully without you.
Polly cannot cope! Well, she can't fall over waiters, or get herself jammed under desks, or start burglar alarms, or lock people in burning rooms, or fire fire extinguishers straight in her own face, but I'd think the hotel can do without that sort of coping for a couple of days.
What do you think, Basil, hmm? What? Oh, hello, doctor.
Out of bed, Mr.
Fawlty? Sort of, oh, there they are.
Well, better get back into bed.
Oh, feel a little bit woozy.
You will for a time, Mr.
Fawlty, you will.
Yes, quite, quite.
You should get as much rest as you can As much rest as you can As much rest as you can.
Gnaediges fraeulein, koennen sie mir sagen, Wann das mittagessen serviert wird, bitte? Um ein uhr.
Fuenf minuten.
- Vielen dank.
- Bitte schoen.
- Manuel? - Oh, Mr.
Fawlty.
Ah, good evening.
Are you all right now? Perfectly, thank you.
Take this to the room, please, dear.
Are you sure you're all right? Perfectly, thank you.
Right as rain.
You okay? Fine, thank you, dear.
You go and have a lie down.
¿Qué? Ah, there you are.
Would you take my case how did you get that? What? Oh, never mind.
Take it, take it upstairs.
- ¿Qué? - Take it, take it.
I go get Polly.
I've already had one.
Take it.
Take it now.
God, the people I have to deal with.
Sprechen Sie Deutsch? I beg your pardon? I'm sorry, could you say that again? Do you speak German? Oh, German! I'm sorry.
I thought there was something wrong with you.
Of course.
The Germans.
You speak German.
Well, a little, I get by.
Ein bisschen.
- Well, why not? - Bitte.
Little bit tricky, would you mind saying it again? "Please.
" Could you repeat, amplify you know, reiterate yes? Wir Wir Yes, we'll come back to that.
Wollen "Wollen" "Voluntary"? Ein auto mieten.
"Out to" "Out to" Oh, I see, you're volunteering to go out to get some meat.
Not necessary.
We have meat here.
Vee haff meet hier in ze building.
Ah, Polly, just explaining about the meat.
We weren't expecting you.
Oh, weren't you? They're Germans, don't mention the war.
I see Well, Mrs.
Fawlty said you were going to have a rest for a couple of days, you know, in the hospital.
Idle hands get in the way of the devil's work, Fawlty.
Now Right.
Why don't you go have a lie down? And I can deal with this.
Yes, yes, good idea.
Good idea, Elsie.
Yes, bit of a headache actually.
We don't think you're well, Mr.
Fawlty.
Well, perhaps not, but I'll live longer than you.
You must have hurt yourself.
My dear woman, a blow on the head, like that is worth two in the bush.
Oh, we know, but it was a nasty knock.
Would you like one? Next please.
Polly, are these Germans, too? Oh, yes, but I can deal with it.
Right, right.
Here's the plan: I'll stand there and ask them if they want something to drink before the war.
Before their lunch! Before their lunch.
Don't mention the war.
Ja, ja.
- Can we help you? - Oh, you speak English? Of course.
Ah, wonderful! Wunderbar! Ah.
Please allow me to introduce myself.
I am the owner of Fawlty Towers, and may I welcome your war you war you all, you all, and hope that your stay will be a happy one.
Now, would you like to eat first or would you like a drink before the war? ning that trespassers will be tied up with piano wire.
Sorry, sorry, trouble with the old leg.
Got a touch of shrapnel in the war.
Korean! Korean war! Sorry, Korean.
Thank you.
We will eat now.
Oh, good, please, do allow me.
May I say how pleased we are to have some Europeans here now that we are on the continent? Can I speak to Dr.
Fin, please? Didn't vote for it myself quite honestly, but now that we're in, I'm determined to make it work, so I'd like to welcome you all to Britain.
The plaice is grilled, but that doesn't matter, there's life in the old thing yet wait a moment, got a bit confused there, oh, yes, the plaice is grilled the whole room's warm, isn't it? I'll open a window, have a look and the veal chop is done with rosemary that's funny, I thought she'd gone to Canada and is delicious and nutritious, in fact, it's veally good.
Veally good, ha ha! The veal is good? Yes, doesn't matter, never mind.
May we have two eggs mayonnaises, please? Certainly.
Why not? Why not, indeed? We are all friends now, eh? A prawn cocktail.
All in the market together, all differences forgotten, and no need at all to mention the war.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, what was it again? A prawn cocktail.
Prawn, that was it.
When you said prawn, I thought you said war.
Oh, the war, oh, yes, completely slipped my mind, yes, I'd forgotten all about it.
Hitler, Himmler and all that lot, yes, completely forgotten it, just like that.
Sorry, what was it again? A prawn cocktail! Oh, yes, Eva Prawn, yes, and Goebbels too, another one I can hardly remember.
And a pickled herring.
Hermann Goering, yes, yes.
And Von Ribbentrop, that was another one.
And four cold meat salads, please.
Certainly, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres, hors d'oeuvres which must be obeyed at all times without question.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Mr.
Fawlty, would you please call your wife immediately? Sybil! Sybil She's in the hospital, you silly girl.
Yes, call her there.
I can't, I've got too much to do.
Listen, don't mention the war.
I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right.
So, it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it.
So, two eggs mayonnaise, a prawn goebbels, a herman goering, and four colditz salads.
Wait a moment, I got a bit confused here.
I got a bit confused 'cause everyone's mentioning the war.
So, could you what's the matter? It's all right.
Is there something wrong? Will you stop talking about the war? Me? You started it! We did not start it.
Yes, you did, you invaded Poland.
Here, blow, here, this'll cheer you up.
You'll like this one: There's this woman, she's completely stupid, she'd never remember anything, and her husband's in a bomber over Berlin, she'll love this one, she'll laugh - Leave her alone.
- No, this is a scream.
I have never seen anyone not laugh at this.
Go away! Look, she'll love it, she's German.
No, Mr.
Fawlty! - What? - Do Jimmy Cagney instead.
- What? - Jimmy Cagney.
Jimmy Cagney? You know, "You dirty rat.
" I can't do Jimmy Cagney.
Please try, "I'm going to get you.
" Shut up.
Here, watch.
Who's this then? I'll do the funny walk.
- Stop it! - What? Stop it! I'm trying to cheer her up, you stupid Kraut! It's not funny for her! Not funny? Not funny? You're joking! Not for her, not for us, not for any German people.
You have absolutely no sense of humour, do you? This is not funny! Who won the bloody war anyway? Mr.
Fawlty, you'll be all right, come with me.
Fine.
Oh, he hit me on the head! No, you hit him on the head.
You naughty moose! However did they win?