Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - Communication Problems

- Number 17, please.
- That'll be fine, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Hello, Fawlty Towers.
Oh, hello, Mr.
- I've arranged your car for 2:00.
- Thank you.
Well, you did say today, Mr.
- You do accept checks? - With a banker's card, yes.
Well, we have to cancel the order then.
No, no, 5:00 will be fine.
Polly, Brenda can't start till Monday.
Would you mind doing the rooms until then? - Oh, no.
I could do with the money.
- Oh, good.
There you are.
Thank you, Mr.
Oh, hello.
Can I help you? - Yes - Girl, would you give me change for this, please? In one moment.
I'm just dealing with this gentleman.
- Yes, Mr.
Thurston - What? - I was wondering - I need change for this! In a moment.
I'm dealing with this gentleman.
But I have a taxi driver waiting.
Surely this gentleman wouldn't mind if you just gave me change.
- Do you? - No, no.
Go ahead.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Can you tell me how to get to Glendower Street? Now, I've booked a room and bath with a sea view for three nights.
- Glendower Street? - Yes.
You haven't finished with me.
Missus? Mrs.
Alice Richards.
Richards, Mr.
Thurston, Mrs.
Thurston is the gentleman I'm attending to at the moment.
What? Mr.
Thurston is the gentleman I'm attending Don't shout.
I'm not deaf.
Thurston was here before you, Mrs.
But you were serving me! I gave you change, but I hadn't finished dealing with him.
Now, Glendower Street Isn't there anyone else in attendance? Really, this is the most appalling service! What a good idea! Manuel, could you lend Mrs.
Richards your assistance in connection with her reservation? Now I've reserved a very quiet room with a bath and a sea view.
I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it.
Qué? - What? - Qué? - K? - Sí.
C? "KC"? "KC"? What are you trying to say? No, no, no, no.
- Qué: What.
- K-watt? Sí.
Qué what.
- C.
Watt? - Yes! Who is C.
Watt? Qué? Is he the manager, Mr.
Watt? - Manaher! - He is? Ah, Mr.
Fawlty! - What? - Fawlty! What are you talking about, you silly little man? What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a Mr.
Watt, aged 40.
No, no.
"Faulty"? What's wrong with him? It's all right, Mrs.
He's from Barcelona.
The manager's from Barcelona? No, no, no.
He's from Swanage.
- And you're in 22.
- What? You're in room 22.
Manuel, take these cases up to 22, will you? Very nice stay, Mr.
Ah, glad you enjoyed it.
Polly, would you get Mr.
Firkin's bill, please? When will we see you again? Oh, not for a few weeks.
You're not by any chance a betting man, Mr.
Fawlty? Er well, I used to be.
Only there's a very nice little filly running at Exeter this afternoon.
- Really? - Dragonfly.
- Dragonfly? - Yeah.
It's well worth a flutter, but pay the tax on it before Oh, delighted you enjoyed your stay.
Very nice.
Hope to see you again before long.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
Goodbye, Mrs.
Goodbye, Mr.
A satisfied customer.
We should have him stuffed.
Oh, Mr.
Fawlty, 3:00, Exeter, Dragonfly.
Right? Yes, good luck! Jolly jolly good luck with it.
Morning, Major.
Good morning, Fawlty.
Yes, dear? What was that about the 3:00 at Exeter, Basil? Oh, some horse he's gonna bet on, I expect.
You're looking very spruce this morning, Major.
- St.
George's Day, old boy.
- Really? Got a horse, have you? What's his name? Did you catch it, dear? Dragonfly, Major.
- Going to have a flutter, Fawlty? - No, no, no, no, no.
No, Basil doesn't bet anymore, Major.
Do you, dear? No, I don't, dear, no.
That particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off for me.
And we don't want it opened up again, do we, Basil? No, you don't, dear.
The great warning-off of May 8th, yes.
Good old Saint George, eh, Major? Well, he killed a hideous fire-breathing old dragon, didn't he? Ran it through with a lance, I believe.
Fawlty! Mr.
Fawlty! Is Missus room no like.
She want speak to you.
Is problem.
Ever see my wife making toast, Polly? Why why'd he kill it anyway, Fawlty? I don't know, Major.
Better than marrying it.
Marrying it? But he didn't have to kill it, though, did he? I mean, he could've, uh, just not turned up at the church.
Good morning, Madam.
Can I help you? - Are you the manager? - I am the owner, Madam.
- What? - I am the owner.
I want to speak to the manager.
- I am the manager, too.
- What? I am the manager as well.
He manaher.
Oh, you're Watt.
I'm the manager! - What? - I'm the manager! Yes, I know.
You've just told me.
What's the matter with you? Now, listen to me.
I booked a room with a bath.
When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
You've got a bath.
I'm not paying £7.
20p per night, plus V.
, for a room without a bath! Here is your bath.
You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse.
It's disgraceful! I wish you were a mouse.
I'd show you.
And another thing.
I asked for a room with a view.
Deaf, mad, and blind.
This is the view as far as I can remember, madam.
Yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
That is Torquay, madam.
That is not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically Don't be silly.
I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea.
It's over there between the land and the sky.
I need a telescope to see that.
Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea? Or preferably in it? Right.
Now, listen to me.
I'm not satisfied, but I've decided to stay here.
However, I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment? Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
No, the radio works.
You don't.
What? I'll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat.
- I think we got something then.
- What? I think we got something then! What are you doing? Qué? Madam, don't think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid? A what? A hearing aid! Yes, I do have a hearing aid.
Would you like me to get it mended?! Mended? It's working perfectly all right.
No, it isn't! I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
- Why not? - The battery runs down.
Now, what sort of a reduction are you going to give me on this room? - 60% if you turn it on.
- What? My wife handles all such matters.
I'm sure she will be delighted to discuss it with you.
I shall speak to her after lunch.
You heard that all right, didn't you? - What? - Thank you so much.
Lunch will be served at half past 12:00.
Manuel! Manuel! Are you going to the betting shop today? - What? - Oh, don't you start! You go betting shop today? Oh, sí! Betting shop, sí! Now, I want you to put this on this little horse, Dragonfly, but big secret.
Sybil no know.
No, no, it's lovely.
It's just a bit buttery with my skin.
I think I need something more more topazy, for my coloring, you know, more tonal.
Have you got have you got Cosmopolitan there? Page 42, you see Burt Reynolds? Well, there's a girl standing behind him looking at James Caan.
That sort of color.
All right, I'll be in at 11:00.
- Oh, Polly - Hmm? I've got to check the laundry.
Could you keep an eye on reception for me? Sure.
Polly, Polly, where Mr.
Fawlty? I don't know.
What's the matter? I have money for him.
He win on horse, but big secret, sh! Mrs.
Fawlty, sh! Well, give it to me.
I'll give it to him.
Good afternoon, Miss Gatsby.
Good afternoon, Miss Tibbs.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper! Would you like some of ours? We keep an extra supply.
Would you like some of ours? Hello! Girl, there's no paper in my room.
Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it? - We don't put it in the rooms.
- What? We keep it in the lounge.
In the lounge?! I'll get you some.
Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it? Address on it?! How many sheets? Well, how many are you going to use? Manager! Just enough for one? Tell me.
Manager! Manager! Yes? Testing testing There you are.
I've never met such insolence in my life! I come down here to get some lavatory paper, and she starts asking me the most insulting, personal things I've ever heard in my life! I thought she wanted writing paper.
- I'm talking to you, Watt! - Watt? Are you deaf? I said I'm talking to you.
I've never met such insolence in my life.
She said people use it in the lounge.
- Yes, she thought - Then she starts asking me - No, please listen - appalling questions about I can explain.
No, you see, she thought you wanted to write.
Wanted a fight? I'll give her a fight, all right! - No, no, no.
Wanted to write! - What? Wanted to write.
On the paper.
Why should I want to write on it? I'll have some sent up to your room immediately.
Manuel! That doesn't work either.
What were you saying just now? - Turn it on.
- What? Turn it Turn it on.
I can't read that.
I need my glasses.
Where are they? They're on your head, Mrs.
I've lost them.
They're the only pair I've got.
I can't read a thing without them.
Excuse me! - Now, I had them this morning - Mrs.
Richards When I was buying the vase I put them on to look at it, and then I had them at tea time Mrs.
Richards! Your glasses are there! There? Who put them in there? No, no, no! On your head! - What? - On your look, On I'm sorry about that, Mr.
Manuel asked me to give this to you.
Oh! Thank you, Polly, and, Polly Not a word to the dragon, eh? - No.
- Right.
Oh, Manuel, get some loo paper, muchos, for 22.
Uh, twent sí.
Are you blind? There were on my head all the time.
Didn't you see? - Yes.
- Didn't God give you eyes? Yes, but I don't use 'em, 'cause it wears the batteries out.
Send my paper up immediately.
What's all that? Evening, Terry.
Do you like Cavaliera Rusticana, Terry? I've never had it, Mr.
You're in a good mood, Mr.
Had a little bit of luck on the gee-gees.
Not a word to the "trouble and strife," eh? Oh, de Camptown Ladies sing this song Doo dah, doo dah Camptown racetrack five miles long Doo-dah doo-dah day Goin' to run all night Goin' to run all day Gonna bet me money on the bobtail nag I did it my way.
Can't stand Frank Sinatra.
"You make me feel so young.
" Rubbish.
You seem very jolly, Basil.
Hmm? You seem very jolly.
Jolly? Yes, jolly.
Sort of happy.
Oh, happy.
Yes, I remember that.
Not that I noticed, dear, no.
I'll report it if it happens, though.
Well, you look happy to me, Basil.
No, I'm not, dear.
All that dancing about, singing and rubbing your hands.
Just my way of getting through the day, dear.
The Samaritans were engaged.
I thought maybe you were in love.
Hah! Only with you, light of my life.
Or had a bit of luck or something.
Did Mr.
Hawkins deliver the tonics, Terry? Yes, he did, Mrs.
Manuel! Manuel! Oh, your horse, it win! It win! Shh! Shh! Manuel You know nothing.
You always say, Mr.
Fawlty, but I learn.
- What? - I learn, I learn.
- No, no - I get better! No, you don't understand.
- I do! - No, you don't.
L I do understand that Shh! Shh! You know nothing about the horse.
I know nothing about the horse.
Which horse? What? Which horse I know nothing? My horse, nitwit! Your horse, Nitwit? No, no, Dragonfly! - It won! - Yes, I know! I know it won, too! I put money on for you.
You give me money, I go to betting shop Yes, I know, I know! Why you say I know nothing? Look, look, look You know the horse? Uh Nitwit or Dragonfly? Dragonfly! There isn't a horse called you're the nitwit! What is "wit-nit"? It doesn't matt I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation! Please, please try to understand before one of us dies! I try.
You're going to forget everything you know about Nitwit.
No, no, Dragonfly.
Dragonfly! Yes! Sí, sí, sí.
What? Eventually.
Uh, at the end.
No, no, no, forget it now! Now? Well, pretend you forget! Pretend? Well, don't say anything to anyone about the horse! I know that.
You tell me that this morning! - Basil? - So don't do it again! Yes, dear? It's Mrs.
A fatal accident? She's had some money stolen.
Oh, Mr.
Fawlty, I tell Polly.
That's all right, but don't tell anyone else, not even me! You know nothing! - Basil? - Yes, dear? You've got to help me handle this.
She's in a frightful state.
I can't get a word in edgewise.
She's had £85 taken from her room.
I said we'll search everyone, but she insists we send for the police.
What do we do with someone like that? She just keeps on! Mrs.
Richards, how very nice to see you! Mrs.
Richards, how very nice to see you! Are you enjoying your stay? There's no need to shout.
I have my hearing aid on.
Richards, I've explained to my husband I've just been up to my room.
£85 has been taken from my bag, which I had hidden under the mattress.
Oh, yes? It's a disgrace! I haven't been here a day.
- What sort of staff do you employ? - Mrs.
Richards If you knew anything at all about running a hotel, this sort of thing wouldn't happen! Well, what have you got to say for yourself? What? Wait, wait, wait.
I haven't got it turned up enough.
Basil! I said I suggest Oh, my head, my head! Has it come away? Did you bang your head? Yes! Yes! Oh, dear.
Let me have a look.
You'd better go and lie down before something else happens.
Shut up! Why don't you call the police? We will, the moment we've searched the rooms.
My money's been taken! Yes, yes, I know.
Try not to speak.
Is this a piece of your brain? £85.
Take my arm.
I don't need your arm, thank you.
I can get down the stairs perfectly well by myself.
"Down" the stairs? Don't stop when you get to the basement.
Keep straight on.
Give my regards to the earth's core.
Are you sure you can manage? And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress.
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? The odd moment like that, almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it? It's what marriage is all about.
I know.
I read it on the back of a matchbox.
Basil, sometimes Seriously, Sybil, do you remember when we were first manacled together? We used to laugh quite a lot.
Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.
That's true.
That was a warning, I guess.
Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zoom! "What was that?" "That was your life, mate.
" "Oh.
That was quick.
Do I get another?" "Sorry, mate, that's your lot.
" Basil.
Back to the world of dreams.
Yes, dear? What are we going to do? Give it another 15 years? - About the money.
Do you - Aw, she's left it in her room, or eaten it or something.
We'll get Manuel to go through the room.
Polly can check the lounge - I saw Polly with money just now.
- Well, there you are.
Quite a bit, too.
She was counting it in here.
Well, it's probably hers.
No, she's been very short lately.
I'll ask her Well, you can't.
You can't just ask her like that.
- Why not? - It would be terribly rude, asking someone if money is theirs.
That would be so embarrassing! Rubbish, Basil.
Hello, Fawlty Towers.
Polly Sherman? Yes, certainly, I'll get her straightway.
Hang on.
Polly! Terry, where's Polly? In there.
- She saw you with the money! - What? She saw you counting the horse money! She's just coming oh, hello, dear.
Here she is.
Found her in here.
As I was just saying, Polly, my wife would like a word with you about a slightly delicate matter.
It's not delicate, Basil.
Don't be silly.
He thinks it's embarrassing for me to ask you about that money I saw you with earlier on in the office.
I wondered if someone had handed it in.
Richards has lost some.
The money? In the office? You were counting it, weren't you? Did someone hand it in? Oh, no.
No, it's mine.
Yours? I won it.
You won it? On the horse Mr.
Fawlty got a tip on.
I hope you don't mind, I No, no, not at all.
I didn't know you bet on the horses, Polly.
Oh, I don't.
Only I was in the town, and I passed the betting shop, and I thought, well, why not? Well, why not indeed? Jolly good question, eh, dear? Pity you didn't let me put something on, really.
You realize how much we would've won? £75 for a £5 stake.
Still, you know best.
Those were the odds, were they, Basil? Yes, that's right, dear.
I listened in on the wireless just to make sure it had triumphed.
Enjoy your winnings, Polly.
Thank you.
Yes, Mrs.
Fawlty? What was the name of the horse? The name? Uh I've gone blank.
Birdbrain! Birdbrain? No, no, that came in third.
Uh Fishwife! - What? - No No, not that.
Small Fly! Fly! Flying Tart! No, no, no, it got off to a flying start, and it's name was Dragonfly! Thank you, Polly.
If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do, Basil.
You'll have to sew 'em back on first.
- Ah, Major! - 6:00, old boy.
Oh, so it is.
Uh, Major Can I offer you, uh Oh, very decent of you.
Just a quick one.
Going to a memorial service.
Tie's a bit bright, isn't it, Major? - What? - For a memorial service? Oh, I didn't like the chap.
One of those.
Know what I mean? - Cheers.
- Uh, Major could you do me a favor? Well, I'm a bit short myself, old boy.
No, no, could you look after some money for me? I won it on that horse.
Only Sybil's a bit suspicious, you see? She goes through my pockets some nights.
Oh, absolutely.
Which horse? - Uh, Dragonfly.
- When's it running? No, it ran today.
I won that on it.
Well done, old boy.
No, could you keep it? No, I couldn't do that, very decent of you No, could you keep it just tonight? It's Sybil, you see? Secret.
Ah, a present.
Sort of, yes.
Don't mention it.
Mum's the word.
I'll get it from you in the morning and bank it.
Understood, old boy.
There you are, Mr.
There you are, Mr.
Good morning, Mr.
Good morning, ladies.
Fawlty Towers.
Watt! I didn't say anything.
Have you called the police yet? Excuse me, I'm trying to take a telephone call.
Have you called them yet? Yes, yes, we have.
When are they going to be here then? As soon as possible.
They're very busy today.
Humph! Lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwyn Tea Rooms last night.
Hello? Certainly, yes.
Richards? Mrs.
Richards! Sorry.
Telephone for you.
- Here.
- Yes? What's this for? - Uh, telephone calls? - But I haven't made any.
- Uh Cigarettes? - I don't smoke.
There's nobody there.
Hello? Yes, yes, I know she is.
It's your sister! Well, what is it for? Umm Drinks? Drinks? Me? We've been cut off.
Hello? Look, you tell me, and I'll tell her.
Even the phones don't work.
Your sister says you've had an offer of £87,000 for your house in Brighton.
87,000? Give it to me.
Don't be a fool, Stephanie.
92,750 I said, and I'm not taking a penny less.
You tell him that.
Why don't people listen? Well? Well, let's scrub that 32p then, shall we? Let's enjoy ourselves.
Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, Major! Major! Um, can I have it now? - What, old boy? - The money.
The money I gave you last night? What what is all this about? You remember I gave you some money just before you went to that remembrance service? - Remembrance service? - Yes.
I don't remember that, old boy.
It was for a chap you didn't like.
You know, he was one of those? One of those what? Well Pansy? Yes.
Which one? No, no, no, no.
You were in your best suit.
Was I? Oh, yes, of course! I went to the theater, of course! - No, no - Yes, yes, with Winnie Atwell, yes.
Winnie Atwell? Well, Marjorie Atwell then, Marjorie.
I always call her Winnie because well, because she looks like Winnie.
She's not black.
Black? Churchill wasn't black.
Look, look, look, I gave you £75.
You put it in there.
What do you mean by telling me you called the police? You've done no such thing.
Your wife's just told me you're still searching the rooms.
Well, I thought she'd called them.
You lying hound! - Mrs.
Richards - Go and call them now, immediately.
Richards, we will, the moment we've searched Right.
I shall call them myself then.
Couldn't we just wait until I've never seen such a place! All right, Mrs.
Would you like to use the office phone? What? In here.
Thank you.
Basil! Get the key and check her room.
I found it, Fawlty! It was in my pocket! Yes, in my new suit! - Major, sh! - In here, you see? - Stuffed right down.
- Can I have it? I don't know how it got there, you, see, because I make a point of keeping my money in my hip pocket.
Yes, please! Please! - What, old boy? - Can I have it? Oh, yes, yes, the money.
Yes, yes, of course.
Good God, it's gone! No, no, in there! Basil? - Here it is! - What's that? I found it, Mrs.
The money.
Oh, that's marvelous! Mrs.
Richards! What? We found your money.
No! The Major's found your money.
- No! N-nn - What? Thank you so much, Major.
There you are.
I told you it would turn up.
What is it, Basil? Bit of luck, eh, Fawlty? It's £10 short.
Oh, dear.
It's not! £10 short? Oh, my God! Don't worry, we'll have a whip round! Basil, stop! What's he doing now? What on earth do you think you're doing? I'll look for the missing £10 immediately, Mrs.
Where exactly did you find it, Major? In my pocket.
In your pocket? Yeah, yeah.
Not this suit.
In my new suit.
Would you mind if I popped up and had a look? No, no, not at all.
I'll see if I can find it.
Won't be a moment.
Uh, it's in with the, um, the, uh Did you say it was in your pocket? Yes, yes.
What was it doing in your pocket? Can I explain? You're not explaining anything.
You're completely loopy.
Mad as a March hare! Yes, yes, I am.
Yes, I am completely loopy.
That's why I gave him the money to look after.
You see, there's been a mistake.
That money there is in fact mine.
- Yours? - Yes, as the Major will confirm, you see, I was saving it up for a present for my wife.
That's why I couldn't say anything just now, but I gave it to the Major last night What rubbish! This is my money.
No, the Major will verify what I've said.
Hmm? - Could you verify that, Major? - What, old boy? Uhh The money.
I gave you last night, for my wife's present? I gave it to you just before you went to the theater? The theater? Well Yes.
You you remember? That money I won on the horses! A horse? Why are you whispering? What are you saying? He says he won it on a horse.
Won it on a horse? Shh! It doesn't matter! Do you remember me giving it to you? Oh, think! Please think! What was the question again? Oh, the money, the money! Do you Manuel! Manuel! Manuel! Manuel! You remember I had some money yesterday? The money I won on the horse? Oh, sí.
Tell Mrs.
Tell her I had the money yesterday.
Ahem-hem! I know nothing.
What? What?! I know nothing.
- No, no - Nothing.
No, no, forget that! I forget everything.
I know nothing.
- You can tell her! - No, I cannot.
Yes, yes, tell her! Tell her.
Please! Please! Tell her.
Tell her! Tell her! Tell her, or I'll kill you! Oh.
Ha ha! No, I know nothing.
I am from Barcelona.
I'm not listening to any more of this rubbish! I'm going to finish my breakfast, and when I come back, I want the rest of my money.
Give it to her, Basil.
I can't find it.
Give her 10 from the till.
Right! What are you doing? I'm going to give her the shirt off my back, too! You see? I know nothing.
I'm gonna send you to a vivisectionist.
Now Now Good afternoon, Mr.
Good afternoon.
You got a Mrs.
Richards staying here? Yes.
Ah, well, only she bought this yesterday, asked us to deliver it.
The thing is, she left some money behind.
Keeps it in this.
95 quid.
The cleaner found it this morning.
Almost threw it in the bin.
Lucky, eh? Is she around? Nope.
I'll give it to her.
Thanks, Mr.
Mm-mwah! We found her money! Where? She it doesn't matter.
I'm £10 up on the deal! £10 up? Yes, it's 95 even if I give her 10, I'm still 10 up! Polly, for the first time in my life, I'm ahead! I'm winning! Hello, Mrs.
How lovely to see you.
Your beautiful vase that you bought yesterday has just arrived.
Now, remind me, the money that you have there, is it yours or mine? I told you.
It's mine.
You're absolutely sure? Yes, I am.
- But you're still £10 short? - Yes.
Polly, give Mrs.
Richards this, would you? What's that? This is mine.
What's that, Basil? It's mine.
What? It's the money I won on the horse.
Oh, yes, right.
Polly asked me to put it in the safe for her.
So, that's all sorted out, and this is your money, Polly.
And this is your beautiful vase, Mrs.
Fawlty! You did give me that money! You won it on that horse! Aah! That cost £75! Oh, I am sorry, Mrs.
We must pay you back.
There you are.