Filthy Rich and Catflap s01e02 Episode Script
Ooer, Sounds A Bit Rude
Now look, Squeaky, I've told you before, balloon bending is no longer a saleable commodity.
The public want sex.
Squeaky, two round balloons and one long thin one does not constitute sex.
Now Squeaky, do yourself a favour, cut your losses, kill yourself.
Sorry, Mr Filthy, but I've got to get my bits of whatnot.
Give and take.
That's what sharing an office is all about.
Mr Filthy, about my etchings.
Now, you did say Look, daughter, I am a dying man.
I may not live through this fag.
I am not an art dealer and if I was, the art in which I dealt would not be the gumption-covered eyesores you produce in your tea break.
Oh! Now that young lass of yours, that Cindy, now she is a work of art.
If she ever fancied any lunchtime peeling, I could get her a fiver a flash.
Over my dead body, Mr Filthy! Yeah, you're right, that could be a super little act.
Yeah, très kinko.
Get that for me, would you, dearie? My quack's told me to take it easy.
Hello, Ralph Filthy, media co-ordin Get your mop out of my pending file, you silly old tart.
Hello, yes.
Yes, now who did you want to speak to? Yeah.
Richie Rich? You've got a job for him? Oh, erm, yeah, yeah.
Erm, yes.
Erm Celebrity Slaughterhouse Closing? Yeah, very nice.
Very nice.
Now look, I can't do it for any less than 20 quid.
All right, 10.
Done.
When do you want him? When do you want him? Now? Would you believe it? Today is the only day of the decade that he is actually working.
Yeah, I know it sounds impossible but he's at the BBC on Right, my lovelies, it's on air in two minutes so if you could cut the chatter for the camera line-ups? Yes, of course, I've known Tarby for years.
We've often performed in the same pants.
Panto, love.
Pantomimes.
Ooh, we've done a few.
Oh, Cinders, Aladders, Dickers Whitters.
That was terrif.
My Dick was fantastic.
That's an old showbiz joke.
Julian! We're two minutes to air.
Who the hell's the ugly bastard doing all the jabbering? Name's Richie Rich.
Last-minute replacement celebrity.
Bernie Winters got a bog roll ad and ditched.
Well, you tell him, if he doesn't button his scabby lip I'll get makeup to castrate the bastard with eyebrow tweezers.
He's got a teeny Teeny weeny bit less talking, Trevor says.
I bet Trevor put it a bit stronger than that, eh? Hello, Trevor, all right? Let's make movies, you old twig.
Sit on him! Sack him! Sack his people! Bankrupt his company All right, we're rolling.
So take it from the top.
That means start at the beginning, everybody, all right? Oh, how I love the business! Shut him up! All right, everybody, we're going to have lots of fun so don't forget your laugh and applause cues and Here we go.
'Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tuesday, 6:30, and time for 'The game for all the family.
'Here's your host, everyone's favourite mirth maker, 'Ivor Whopper! ' Thank you.
Thank you for giving me the clap.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! And welcome one and Welcome all! Welcome all! to another addition of Ooer Sounds A Bit Rude, the game for all the family.
And as always, we have our usual motley collection of the dregs of society.
Ooh! Ha-ha-ha! Plus of course - the only sane one amongst us - our member of the great British public.
Close-up on the pleb.
I said close-up, not right up her nose! Camera five, take a good look at the job centre.
So, you are Mrs Ruth Butcher? Close-up Ivor for the big gag.
Let's hope you get some really meaty questions then! Brilliant! Hit laughter.
Follow it across to the has-beens, my darlings.
Wide shot on celebs.
Great gag, Ivor! Meaty, brilliant! I know a good gag.
There were two crocodiles Well, nuns Julian, tell that imbecile to stick to the script! I can't get to him, he's in shot! Close-up on Ivor! The rules of the game, like the members of the panel - are very simple indeed.
I read out the sentence which sounds a bit rude then my good friends here have to laugh dirtily but then have to come up with a clean version.
For example, "I never impress the girls because I've only got a tiny " Oh! Penis! Of course the answer is car.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Let's meet my good friends here, these bunch of down-and-outs who are gonna try and help Ruth win.
Good luck to her.
Good luck to her! Good gag, Ivor! Juliannn! Shut that gormless git up! No unscripted spontaneity! And now then, who have we here? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Glitter and Huggles the Ostrich.
Close-up Billy and Huggles.
Cue music and Billy and Huggles laugh.
I'm so sad.
My girlfriend's left me.
What happened? - She's given me the bird.
- Audience laughing.
Not the first time you've been stuck in a bird's gob, eh, Ivor? What is he saying? That's not in the script! Back to Ivor! Oh, my God, he's completely lost! Coo-ee! Hello.
Oh, Molly, nice to see you again! - Ha-ha-ha! - Ooh.
I bet Bill's ostrich isn't as well behaved as my pussy.
Ivor, bring this show round, for God's sake! Ladies and gentlemen, everybody's favourite mother-in-law, Molly Slocombe! Oh, you're so lovely.
I'd like to show you all me pussy.
In fact, I can't think of anything nicer than having you all stroking me pussy.
Don't milk it.
That's the third time you've done that gag.
And you used to do it in every ep of that appalling sitcom.
What's going on down there? Now then, here we have a gay young fellow.
Heh-heh.
John, how are you feeling today? I'm feeling a little queer.
Oh, my favourite gag, my darling! My favourite gag.
He's such a professional.
Nice gag! I'll keep my bottom firmly on the seat when I'm anywhere near you! Cut away! Cut away! What is he saying? Don't you dare tread on one of my laughs again! Shut your face, you little poof.
A lively bunch we have in here tonight! Now, Cindy, lovely to see both of you here this evening.
I always like to keep abreast of what you're up to, Ivor.
Good, we're back on script, darlings.
Yes, she has got big tits, but I've got a whopping great talent! I'm Richie Rich and I'm available panto or summer season for the rest of my life! These two blokes go into a brothel Support Dr Barnardo's! I've got big mammaries.
I'm homosexual.
Isn't it hilarious? When I say me pussy, I really mean me Get back! Back! - Eddie.
- Richie.
- Eddie! - Richie! - Eddie! - What? Hello, barman.
Give me a drink! What did you think about my show? It was stupendously bad! Thank you! Julian, you look like you've seen a ghost! Double Scotch for him.
How do you think the show went? - I just lost me job! - Sorry to hear that.
I'll try and talk to someone up top.
How about my performance? Wasn't it special? You bastard! Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh! If anyone else wants to throw their drink around, do it on me! Hi, you lot! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Massive drinks for this table.
You're a lot of long faces.
It went wonderfully! Mind if I join you? Er Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! No, but gagging aside, it was a super show I thought.
- Here you are! - Drinks all round.
Look! Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
This is an initiation ceremony.
I'm now a Sunshine Variety golfing rat.
£15.
40, please? Certainly, barman.
£15.
40? I don't suppose you Eddie, Eddie, cash, cash.
This is disgusting! An entire tray of good pop wasted! It's no wonder the BBC costs so much! I'm glad I don't pay my licence! Right.
I'm just off to see if I can get a snog with Val Singleton.
They didn't give me a dressing room, those BBC bastards! I had to put on my jacket in the lavs.
Oh, God, I'm disgraced.
I can't pay for my round.
I'll never be able to hold my head up No, no.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
I mustn't.
I can't.
I Oh, my God, I have.
Oh! Oh! The Nolan Sisters, my all-time favourite four-tissue fantasy.
Oh! Oh! Mm.
Mm.
They wouldn't mind.
They probably fancy me more than I fancy them! Ooh! I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing, I'm giving it all tonight They're in the mood for Richie Who's not titchy But particularly well-endowed Oooh! The Nolans' shower.
Wait till I tell them this at the fan club meeting.
Do you think I'm sexy? Yes, we think you're sexy Sexy, wexy, bexy, wexy, sexy, bex What do you think you're doing? Hi! You took your time.
Strip off.
Come in.
The water's lovely and so am I.
Er Oh, good, the shower's fixed now.
Any more problems, call Transvestite Plumbers and we'll be straight round.
- Just who the hell are you? - He's ruined our costume.
- Let's call the police.
- No, no, no, don't do that! No, it was It was just a prank.
You know us immense celebrities, jolly senses of humour.
- Immense celebrity, eh? - If so, you must be rich.
Yep, rich and sexy! Snap away, girls! I can never resist a camera.
If you're so rich and you want this film back, get us a thousand quid by Friday or your career's over.
- Right, girls? - Right.
Or we sell the pic to the papes and shop you to the police for nicking our gear.
Now get lost while we do our song.
Yeah.
Ready? Two, three, four Hang on! You're not going to sing, are you? Of course.
Why else would we agree to be in this old crap? The Nolan Sisters talking dirty.
Wait till I tell the chaps.
- Go away while we sing.
- We don't want you to.
We only got you because you used to wear those tight disco pants.
And now you're blackmailing me, I have to get on with the plot.
Thank God someone's being professional around here! God, that Valerie Singleton doesn't half go.
Well, she can run a lot faster than me, anyway! Right, now I need a drink! Ha-ha-ha! Aah! Right! What shall I have for my supper tonight? Bugger-all or sweet FA? I could go mad and have both.
The final humiliation! Lower than this I cannot sink.
Lest fate pulls out its finger pretty sharpish, your old mate'll be climbing the stairway to heaven before eventide.
- Who's that then? - What? Who's this old friend of mine? Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- You'll be the death of me.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
I'm in terrible troub.
- Deep, humiliating troub.
- Troub.
I'm being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters.
Blimey! That is embarrassing.
If it gets in the papes you're being stitched up by the Noles - you'll be a laughing stock.
- I know.
- Still, there's a bright side.
- Which is? It'll be the first laughs you've ever got.
I do a lot of smile humour, Eddie, people aren't supposed to laugh.
Neither are they meant to throw things and chant, "Get off! We've heard better jokes on the speaking clock.
" I take risks on stage, Edward! I create, I improvise! There may occasionally be slight unpleasantness Yes, it's called your act! I'm storing this up, all of it! And one day, Edward Catflap, out of the blue, completely by surprise, you're going to die.
Everyone'll think it's an accident except me and the strange figure with the chain saw.
Oh! Oh, er Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Right.
Now, where were we? We were here.
We haven't moved.
Nice gag! Let's have supper and decide how to deal with the Noles.
We can't have supper! We're broke and there's no food.
We're broke and there's no food? - Shall I go for the echo gag? - No! There's no time.
What will we do about those Noles? I could've done it by the time you said that! - OK, then, bloody do it! - Right.
Coo, this room's got an echo! I don't think Little and Large have a lot to worry about.
I'm hungry! - Have you had the ketchup? - Er No.
Look, we've got two problems.
No food and the Nolans.
What are we going to do? - Eat the Nolans! - We can't! It'd be showbiz suicide.
And you start something like that, you have to finish it.
There's only four of 'em and I'm starving.
No, that's not what I mean.
If we eat them, where will it all end? We eat them, Bucks Fizz eat us.
Yes.
Brotherhood Of Man eats Bucks Fizz.
Jimmy Osmond eats Brotherhood Of Man.
And before you know it, there'll just be one huge middle-of-the-road singer left.
And Demis Roussos will be back at number one.
It just doesn't bear thinking about.
I've got it! We shall have to think of something else! Brilliant! Oh dear, oh dear.
'Allo, boys! Anybody got a fag? Don't worry - I'll smoke my own! You, Filthy? Smoke your own fags? Are you ill? I'm always ill, Eddie, you know that.
No, I have just made a thousand quid.
With any luck I shall die before I can spend it all, which means I need never be poor again.
You? A thousand quid? I don't understand.
It's just like one quid, Richie, only there's more of them.
Try to think of it as like a thousand quid.
Wow! That's like 2,000 appearances on Blankety Blank! Interesting bit of business, really.
This mad old bag who cleans my office splats the odd canvas, so I trolled up to Hampstead and bunged one up on a railing and sold it to this old git who thought she was famous for a thousand quid.
Pull the other one, Filthy, it's got balls on.
Bells, Eddie.
Bells on.
Mine's got balls on, mate.
If yours has got bells on I suggest you seek a doctor out! You mean the mistaken snob value made the painting valuable? - Exactly.
- Hmm! 'Allo.
Nasty John's Cock and Dog Fights? Yes, I can hold.
Richie, a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles.
I know.
'Allo, Nasty John.
I hear you're putting up a bunch of myxomatosed rabbits against a three-legged cat.
A fiver on the moggy.
No-a fiver on each goolie.
- Richie - Yes? I said a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles! I know! I told you that in the first place! Have you got any children fighting today? - Ooh! Eddie! Lock the door! - Right! Right, Filthy, hand over the cash or you'll be pushing up daisies in a concrete overcoat dumped in the canal getting carried out of here in a box.
- Are you threatening me? - Just give me the cash or so help me I'll swing for you! I'm desperate! Richie, please don't shout, your mother's got very sensitive ears, they bleed when people ask me for money.
Filthy, just hand over the cash! Richie's being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters! He'll be shamed and humiliated! So what's new? That's a point, Richie.
What is new? Enormous Derek? Yeah, Ralph Filthy here.
Help.
Aha! Trying to call for help, eh? Right! Yeah, two close and bona eeks of my acquaintance are trying to rob me.
Ha ha! Yeah.
So get your chain saw and come down to 33 Acacia Cul-De-Sac, would you? By a process of elimination Right, yeah.
Have you got all that then? Right.
Ta-ta.
There you are, Eddie.
Ahem.
Oh, damn.
Well done, Eddie! When we need quick action, we can always rely on you to destroy the house.
Thank you very much.
I know! Let's kill him! Brilliant! No, no, no.
Richie, Richie, darling, you've got it all wrong.
The agent is supposed to rob the client.
Please don't flaunt tradition.
Remember Bulgy "No, Madam, It's Not A Third Leg" McBulgy? I represented him for years.
I caught him watering my whisky once - he never worked again.
He never worked before, he was worse than Richie.
He wasn't that bad.
No, the point is I hate people watering my whisky and I never forgive.
I hate people peeing in my booze.
Yeah.
But you still drank it, didn't you? That's not the point, Edward.
- Come on, kill him! - All right.
Goodbye, Filthy Ralph.
Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have an ungrateful client.
Why do you think I came over here, Richie darling, if not to share with you my good fortune? - What's mine is yours.
- Ahh Watch out, Richie, he's got syphilis.
Come on, close your eyes and open your hands.
Ahh! Oh, what fun! I remember this from school.
- My friend said, "Feel this.
" - Steady on! He's trying to escape.
Stop him! No, open your eyes first! Good idea! Have we given up the chase idea? No, we're just having a rest.
I'm going in! Flush the lav! Lt'll be worth a grand to see Eddie go down the toilet! No, no, we need the cash! I'll tell you something, I'm never lending him my comb again.
I regret to say I could not see it.
Phew! That pipe whiffs like nobody's business! Richie, it's a sewer, it whiffs like everybody's business.
Well, I suppose it was inevitable if I acquired a bijou pile of rhino it couldn't last.
I could have wished it a more dignified end.
Anybody got anything to drink? Filthy, this is not the attitude that wins! When Mike Winters left Bernie did Bernie sit on the lavatory? No, he got a dog called Schnorbitz and a legend was born.
It's not my problem, Richie.
I've already alerted Enormous Derek.
I've activated a highly-trained professional killer.
Or, I've phoned a big bastard with no brain who dresses in women's underwear and I've got the photos.
So unless you and Eddie pay me my thousand pounds back tonight it's roller blinds for the both of you! - Eh? - Roller blinds? Oh, sorry.
Curtains.
Oh.
Curtains.
What are we gonna do?! Shove over, old friend! Filthy made that thousand quid out of that strange painting episode.
- Of course! - Yes.
Aha-ha Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Eddie? We're going to make you into an artist, so get out your easel! - Oo-er! - I'm not going to rise to it.
- Come, we repair to Hampstead! - Right.
Extra, extra! I'm an extra! Come on, get your paintings here! Well, have you sold any yet? Hundreds, I'm sure.
I've sung your praises all over Hampstead.
- How many have you sold? - Um None! But I have high hopes for my new piece, entitled simply "Wall"! Until now I was blind, at last I behold life as it really is! Oh, God, fans.
It's a bore, I know, but I do always say, without fans even I would be nowhere.
Tarby feels the same and Kenny Lynch.
Bobby Davro said the same.
I said, "You are nowhere.
" Away, imbecile! Oh, my God, a psycho fan! John Lennon syndrome! Peasant, this is the art critic Alphonse P'Farty.
Perhaps something in this horrific collage of mental vomit has moved his soul.
Personally it moves only my bowels.
Who is Edwardo Catflappo? Who wants to know, fatso? - Ahh! - Ahh! - Rahh! - Rarr! - Rarr! - Raagh! - Ohhh, such strength! - Aaah! Such anger! My friend, you are a genius! Oo-er! - I intend to exhibit your vork.
- Beg your pardon? I intend to exhibit your work.
Zoon you vill be famous.
- And rich.
- Great! How about an advance? But of course, of course! Take, take.
Give, give, give.
In return, perhaps I might choose that one.
That's not actually a painting, that's my lunch.
It disagreed with me.
But you can have it for a thousand quid.
Magnificent! Have it scraped up for me while I telephone the Gwardian.
Come, Alphonse! It worked.
It bloody worked! Come on, let's go and celebrate! Raaaaah! Hello! It's all right, we've got money! So this is what a restaurant looks like? Mm! Fantastic! Try some of this, Richie! Fantastic! I'll have five! Okey-dokey, skip! Ah-ha-ha-haaa! Waiter, come here quickly before I cause a scene! Ah, good.
Two slap-up grills, please.
Egg, saus, bac, black pud, bloater, onios, mushos, peasos, chippos, buttered sliceos.
In short, two heart attacks and a coronary care unit, please.
And an Alka-Seltzer in an unfeasibly large brandy, please.
I'm afraid, sir, we don't do fry-ups.
Ooh! Perhaps you'd like to see the menu? Looks great.
We'll have the lot.
Well, me proud beauty, we're going to have a classic nosh up! Could I have your autograph, please? Oh, more fans! Still, if I'm not used to it now.
What name is it? I heard Mr P'Farty talking about your work.
I've never met a celebrity before.
Uh-huh-huh-huh! I agreed with every word - such passion, such fire! If you want some fiery passion, baby, you only have to ask! Er, God bless, look after mum, oo-er, sounds a bit rude! She hasn't recognised you, have you, darling? No.
Who is he? Ah-ha-ha.
What do you mean? What an interesting tablecloth.
- There you go, baby.
- Oh, thank you! Your meals come to £250 each.
Payment in advance.
Of course.
There's mine, but I'm not paying for his.
You pay for my tea this instant, Mr Edward Catflap! No, you've pushed me around long enough! I've been scorned and ordered about! "Do this, Eddie! Do that, Eddie!" But you never did anything! I wanted to be someone! I could've been a contender.
But you were always out there in front, pushing, barging, farting! See who's wearing the farting trousers now! So up yours! I'm not paying for your tuck! Have you no honour? - No integrity? - That's a bloody stupid question.
Yes, I suppose so, yes.
- Oh! - Oh, thank you, garçon! Get off and get out! I hope you've got change for 30 pieces of silver, Judas.
See you at my first exhibition! - This joke won't get that far! - The show's not that bad.
Ha! Welcome! It gives me enorrrmous pleasure to sit on bath taps.
No Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
It gives me, of course, enormous pleasure to open this exhibition.
There comes to us occasionally of a time, yes, a force, a gift from God.
A gift of fire and passion.
Such a gift is Edwardo Catflappo.
Hello! Everythink he produces is a work of art.
Quite bloody right! That was my latest effort, it's called "Belching In An Art Gallery".
OK, who wants to buy it? Of course! Flatulence, the only truly disposable art form! - I bid - 250! Oh, come on, I was about to bid then! - My bid stands! - Oh! Look, look, I'll settle this.
There you are, one each.
Leave the cash at the door.
OK, Poo Farty, the No, P'Farty.
Poo Farty, OK.
Poo Farty.
The exhibition's open today.
I'm going to the pub.
If anybody wants to pay to see me do it you're welcome.
Thank you and good night! Well, my friend, it pains me to say it but you have won.
I am consumed with discontent, consumed, I tell you.
Despite our wager it was my hope that I would be proved wrong.
Alas, I overestimated the art establishment.
They will follow any fashion.
We bet that you could find the most gross, talentless, oikish, tosspot of a painter, a world-class head of a dick, and with your influence, make the public think him an exciting artist.
Mm.
And to my shame and disappointment, I have done so.
You owe me 20,000 of your English poundies.
Here are the English poundies.
So that's your little game! And guess who heard it all?! Who? Me! Richie bloody Rich! The price of my silence is that 20,000- and you ending this charade that's making my minder more famous than me! Huh.
Here you are.
Come, N'Bend.
"Nob-end"? My card.
Alphonse Nob End? Nob End and Poo Farty.
What a script.
Get out.
Let's go to some situation comedy where they will appreciate our lavatorial banter.
20 thou and a difficult plot tied up into the bargain.
You never thought we'd do it in half an hour but we did, just by being stupid.
- Come to see my exhibish? - No, I've come to close it.
You've been the ignorant dupe of two arrogant ponces.
I thought it was strange.
I just sold my pants for 500 quid.
Heh-heh-heh-heh! I've just ended your career for 20 thou.
After I've paid off the Noles and Filthy it comes to 18 thou, of which you won't be getting any.
Enormous Derek.
Have a thousand pounds.
- Right, let's pay off the Nolans.
- No need to do that, I've paid them off with my burp and pants money.
Forgive me, Edward, but it would seem a bit out of character for you to perform an act of kindness.
Well, I haven't really performed an act of kindness because I still have the incriminating film! Er, so I'll just take my 18 grand and we'll celebrate, shall we? Richie, carry me back to the flat.
And no farting! We're gonna have the most disgusting, debauched party! - OK, girls, do it now! Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing Ooh, I'm giving it all tonight I'm in the mood for chancing I feel like dancing Ooh, so come on and hold me tight Dancing Dancing I'm in the mood, babe Ooh So let the music play Ooh, I'm dancing Dancing I'm in the groove, babe So get on up and let your body sway Ooh, I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing You know I should never stop tonight I'm in the mood, I'm in the mood I'm in the mood to dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm in the mood, so baby, dance Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm in the mood to take a chance
The public want sex.
Squeaky, two round balloons and one long thin one does not constitute sex.
Now Squeaky, do yourself a favour, cut your losses, kill yourself.
Sorry, Mr Filthy, but I've got to get my bits of whatnot.
Give and take.
That's what sharing an office is all about.
Mr Filthy, about my etchings.
Now, you did say Look, daughter, I am a dying man.
I may not live through this fag.
I am not an art dealer and if I was, the art in which I dealt would not be the gumption-covered eyesores you produce in your tea break.
Oh! Now that young lass of yours, that Cindy, now she is a work of art.
If she ever fancied any lunchtime peeling, I could get her a fiver a flash.
Over my dead body, Mr Filthy! Yeah, you're right, that could be a super little act.
Yeah, très kinko.
Get that for me, would you, dearie? My quack's told me to take it easy.
Hello, Ralph Filthy, media co-ordin Get your mop out of my pending file, you silly old tart.
Hello, yes.
Yes, now who did you want to speak to? Yeah.
Richie Rich? You've got a job for him? Oh, erm, yeah, yeah.
Erm, yes.
Erm Celebrity Slaughterhouse Closing? Yeah, very nice.
Very nice.
Now look, I can't do it for any less than 20 quid.
All right, 10.
Done.
When do you want him? When do you want him? Now? Would you believe it? Today is the only day of the decade that he is actually working.
Yeah, I know it sounds impossible but he's at the BBC on Right, my lovelies, it's on air in two minutes so if you could cut the chatter for the camera line-ups? Yes, of course, I've known Tarby for years.
We've often performed in the same pants.
Panto, love.
Pantomimes.
Ooh, we've done a few.
Oh, Cinders, Aladders, Dickers Whitters.
That was terrif.
My Dick was fantastic.
That's an old showbiz joke.
Julian! We're two minutes to air.
Who the hell's the ugly bastard doing all the jabbering? Name's Richie Rich.
Last-minute replacement celebrity.
Bernie Winters got a bog roll ad and ditched.
Well, you tell him, if he doesn't button his scabby lip I'll get makeup to castrate the bastard with eyebrow tweezers.
He's got a teeny Teeny weeny bit less talking, Trevor says.
I bet Trevor put it a bit stronger than that, eh? Hello, Trevor, all right? Let's make movies, you old twig.
Sit on him! Sack him! Sack his people! Bankrupt his company All right, we're rolling.
So take it from the top.
That means start at the beginning, everybody, all right? Oh, how I love the business! Shut him up! All right, everybody, we're going to have lots of fun so don't forget your laugh and applause cues and Here we go.
'Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tuesday, 6:30, and time for 'The game for all the family.
'Here's your host, everyone's favourite mirth maker, 'Ivor Whopper! ' Thank you.
Thank you for giving me the clap.
Ah-ha-ha-ha! And welcome one and Welcome all! Welcome all! to another addition of Ooer Sounds A Bit Rude, the game for all the family.
And as always, we have our usual motley collection of the dregs of society.
Ooh! Ha-ha-ha! Plus of course - the only sane one amongst us - our member of the great British public.
Close-up on the pleb.
I said close-up, not right up her nose! Camera five, take a good look at the job centre.
So, you are Mrs Ruth Butcher? Close-up Ivor for the big gag.
Let's hope you get some really meaty questions then! Brilliant! Hit laughter.
Follow it across to the has-beens, my darlings.
Wide shot on celebs.
Great gag, Ivor! Meaty, brilliant! I know a good gag.
There were two crocodiles Well, nuns Julian, tell that imbecile to stick to the script! I can't get to him, he's in shot! Close-up on Ivor! The rules of the game, like the members of the panel - are very simple indeed.
I read out the sentence which sounds a bit rude then my good friends here have to laugh dirtily but then have to come up with a clean version.
For example, "I never impress the girls because I've only got a tiny " Oh! Penis! Of course the answer is car.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Let's meet my good friends here, these bunch of down-and-outs who are gonna try and help Ruth win.
Good luck to her.
Good luck to her! Good gag, Ivor! Juliannn! Shut that gormless git up! No unscripted spontaneity! And now then, who have we here? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Billy Glitter and Huggles the Ostrich.
Close-up Billy and Huggles.
Cue music and Billy and Huggles laugh.
I'm so sad.
My girlfriend's left me.
What happened? - She's given me the bird.
- Audience laughing.
Not the first time you've been stuck in a bird's gob, eh, Ivor? What is he saying? That's not in the script! Back to Ivor! Oh, my God, he's completely lost! Coo-ee! Hello.
Oh, Molly, nice to see you again! - Ha-ha-ha! - Ooh.
I bet Bill's ostrich isn't as well behaved as my pussy.
Ivor, bring this show round, for God's sake! Ladies and gentlemen, everybody's favourite mother-in-law, Molly Slocombe! Oh, you're so lovely.
I'd like to show you all me pussy.
In fact, I can't think of anything nicer than having you all stroking me pussy.
Don't milk it.
That's the third time you've done that gag.
And you used to do it in every ep of that appalling sitcom.
What's going on down there? Now then, here we have a gay young fellow.
Heh-heh.
John, how are you feeling today? I'm feeling a little queer.
Oh, my favourite gag, my darling! My favourite gag.
He's such a professional.
Nice gag! I'll keep my bottom firmly on the seat when I'm anywhere near you! Cut away! Cut away! What is he saying? Don't you dare tread on one of my laughs again! Shut your face, you little poof.
A lively bunch we have in here tonight! Now, Cindy, lovely to see both of you here this evening.
I always like to keep abreast of what you're up to, Ivor.
Good, we're back on script, darlings.
Yes, she has got big tits, but I've got a whopping great talent! I'm Richie Rich and I'm available panto or summer season for the rest of my life! These two blokes go into a brothel Support Dr Barnardo's! I've got big mammaries.
I'm homosexual.
Isn't it hilarious? When I say me pussy, I really mean me Get back! Back! - Eddie.
- Richie.
- Eddie! - Richie! - Eddie! - What? Hello, barman.
Give me a drink! What did you think about my show? It was stupendously bad! Thank you! Julian, you look like you've seen a ghost! Double Scotch for him.
How do you think the show went? - I just lost me job! - Sorry to hear that.
I'll try and talk to someone up top.
How about my performance? Wasn't it special? You bastard! Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh! If anyone else wants to throw their drink around, do it on me! Hi, you lot! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Massive drinks for this table.
You're a lot of long faces.
It went wonderfully! Mind if I join you? Er Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! No, but gagging aside, it was a super show I thought.
- Here you are! - Drinks all round.
Look! Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
This is an initiation ceremony.
I'm now a Sunshine Variety golfing rat.
£15.
40, please? Certainly, barman.
£15.
40? I don't suppose you Eddie, Eddie, cash, cash.
This is disgusting! An entire tray of good pop wasted! It's no wonder the BBC costs so much! I'm glad I don't pay my licence! Right.
I'm just off to see if I can get a snog with Val Singleton.
They didn't give me a dressing room, those BBC bastards! I had to put on my jacket in the lavs.
Oh, God, I'm disgraced.
I can't pay for my round.
I'll never be able to hold my head up No, no.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
I mustn't.
I can't.
I Oh, my God, I have.
Oh! Oh! The Nolan Sisters, my all-time favourite four-tissue fantasy.
Oh! Oh! Mm.
Mm.
They wouldn't mind.
They probably fancy me more than I fancy them! Ooh! I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing, I'm giving it all tonight They're in the mood for Richie Who's not titchy But particularly well-endowed Oooh! The Nolans' shower.
Wait till I tell them this at the fan club meeting.
Do you think I'm sexy? Yes, we think you're sexy Sexy, wexy, bexy, wexy, sexy, bex What do you think you're doing? Hi! You took your time.
Strip off.
Come in.
The water's lovely and so am I.
Er Oh, good, the shower's fixed now.
Any more problems, call Transvestite Plumbers and we'll be straight round.
- Just who the hell are you? - He's ruined our costume.
- Let's call the police.
- No, no, no, don't do that! No, it was It was just a prank.
You know us immense celebrities, jolly senses of humour.
- Immense celebrity, eh? - If so, you must be rich.
Yep, rich and sexy! Snap away, girls! I can never resist a camera.
If you're so rich and you want this film back, get us a thousand quid by Friday or your career's over.
- Right, girls? - Right.
Or we sell the pic to the papes and shop you to the police for nicking our gear.
Now get lost while we do our song.
Yeah.
Ready? Two, three, four Hang on! You're not going to sing, are you? Of course.
Why else would we agree to be in this old crap? The Nolan Sisters talking dirty.
Wait till I tell the chaps.
- Go away while we sing.
- We don't want you to.
We only got you because you used to wear those tight disco pants.
And now you're blackmailing me, I have to get on with the plot.
Thank God someone's being professional around here! God, that Valerie Singleton doesn't half go.
Well, she can run a lot faster than me, anyway! Right, now I need a drink! Ha-ha-ha! Aah! Right! What shall I have for my supper tonight? Bugger-all or sweet FA? I could go mad and have both.
The final humiliation! Lower than this I cannot sink.
Lest fate pulls out its finger pretty sharpish, your old mate'll be climbing the stairway to heaven before eventide.
- Who's that then? - What? Who's this old friend of mine? Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- You'll be the death of me.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
I'm in terrible troub.
- Deep, humiliating troub.
- Troub.
I'm being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters.
Blimey! That is embarrassing.
If it gets in the papes you're being stitched up by the Noles - you'll be a laughing stock.
- I know.
- Still, there's a bright side.
- Which is? It'll be the first laughs you've ever got.
I do a lot of smile humour, Eddie, people aren't supposed to laugh.
Neither are they meant to throw things and chant, "Get off! We've heard better jokes on the speaking clock.
" I take risks on stage, Edward! I create, I improvise! There may occasionally be slight unpleasantness Yes, it's called your act! I'm storing this up, all of it! And one day, Edward Catflap, out of the blue, completely by surprise, you're going to die.
Everyone'll think it's an accident except me and the strange figure with the chain saw.
Oh! Oh, er Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Right.
Now, where were we? We were here.
We haven't moved.
Nice gag! Let's have supper and decide how to deal with the Noles.
We can't have supper! We're broke and there's no food.
We're broke and there's no food? - Shall I go for the echo gag? - No! There's no time.
What will we do about those Noles? I could've done it by the time you said that! - OK, then, bloody do it! - Right.
Coo, this room's got an echo! I don't think Little and Large have a lot to worry about.
I'm hungry! - Have you had the ketchup? - Er No.
Look, we've got two problems.
No food and the Nolans.
What are we going to do? - Eat the Nolans! - We can't! It'd be showbiz suicide.
And you start something like that, you have to finish it.
There's only four of 'em and I'm starving.
No, that's not what I mean.
If we eat them, where will it all end? We eat them, Bucks Fizz eat us.
Yes.
Brotherhood Of Man eats Bucks Fizz.
Jimmy Osmond eats Brotherhood Of Man.
And before you know it, there'll just be one huge middle-of-the-road singer left.
And Demis Roussos will be back at number one.
It just doesn't bear thinking about.
I've got it! We shall have to think of something else! Brilliant! Oh dear, oh dear.
'Allo, boys! Anybody got a fag? Don't worry - I'll smoke my own! You, Filthy? Smoke your own fags? Are you ill? I'm always ill, Eddie, you know that.
No, I have just made a thousand quid.
With any luck I shall die before I can spend it all, which means I need never be poor again.
You? A thousand quid? I don't understand.
It's just like one quid, Richie, only there's more of them.
Try to think of it as like a thousand quid.
Wow! That's like 2,000 appearances on Blankety Blank! Interesting bit of business, really.
This mad old bag who cleans my office splats the odd canvas, so I trolled up to Hampstead and bunged one up on a railing and sold it to this old git who thought she was famous for a thousand quid.
Pull the other one, Filthy, it's got balls on.
Bells, Eddie.
Bells on.
Mine's got balls on, mate.
If yours has got bells on I suggest you seek a doctor out! You mean the mistaken snob value made the painting valuable? - Exactly.
- Hmm! 'Allo.
Nasty John's Cock and Dog Fights? Yes, I can hold.
Richie, a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles.
I know.
'Allo, Nasty John.
I hear you're putting up a bunch of myxomatosed rabbits against a three-legged cat.
A fiver on the moggy.
No-a fiver on each goolie.
- Richie - Yes? I said a thousand quid is exactly what you owe the Noles! I know! I told you that in the first place! Have you got any children fighting today? - Ooh! Eddie! Lock the door! - Right! Right, Filthy, hand over the cash or you'll be pushing up daisies in a concrete overcoat dumped in the canal getting carried out of here in a box.
- Are you threatening me? - Just give me the cash or so help me I'll swing for you! I'm desperate! Richie, please don't shout, your mother's got very sensitive ears, they bleed when people ask me for money.
Filthy, just hand over the cash! Richie's being blackmailed by the Nolan Sisters! He'll be shamed and humiliated! So what's new? That's a point, Richie.
What is new? Enormous Derek? Yeah, Ralph Filthy here.
Help.
Aha! Trying to call for help, eh? Right! Yeah, two close and bona eeks of my acquaintance are trying to rob me.
Ha ha! Yeah.
So get your chain saw and come down to 33 Acacia Cul-De-Sac, would you? By a process of elimination Right, yeah.
Have you got all that then? Right.
Ta-ta.
There you are, Eddie.
Ahem.
Oh, damn.
Well done, Eddie! When we need quick action, we can always rely on you to destroy the house.
Thank you very much.
I know! Let's kill him! Brilliant! No, no, no.
Richie, Richie, darling, you've got it all wrong.
The agent is supposed to rob the client.
Please don't flaunt tradition.
Remember Bulgy "No, Madam, It's Not A Third Leg" McBulgy? I represented him for years.
I caught him watering my whisky once - he never worked again.
He never worked before, he was worse than Richie.
He wasn't that bad.
No, the point is I hate people watering my whisky and I never forgive.
I hate people peeing in my booze.
Yeah.
But you still drank it, didn't you? That's not the point, Edward.
- Come on, kill him! - All right.
Goodbye, Filthy Ralph.
Oh, how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have an ungrateful client.
Why do you think I came over here, Richie darling, if not to share with you my good fortune? - What's mine is yours.
- Ahh Watch out, Richie, he's got syphilis.
Come on, close your eyes and open your hands.
Ahh! Oh, what fun! I remember this from school.
- My friend said, "Feel this.
" - Steady on! He's trying to escape.
Stop him! No, open your eyes first! Good idea! Have we given up the chase idea? No, we're just having a rest.
I'm going in! Flush the lav! Lt'll be worth a grand to see Eddie go down the toilet! No, no, we need the cash! I'll tell you something, I'm never lending him my comb again.
I regret to say I could not see it.
Phew! That pipe whiffs like nobody's business! Richie, it's a sewer, it whiffs like everybody's business.
Well, I suppose it was inevitable if I acquired a bijou pile of rhino it couldn't last.
I could have wished it a more dignified end.
Anybody got anything to drink? Filthy, this is not the attitude that wins! When Mike Winters left Bernie did Bernie sit on the lavatory? No, he got a dog called Schnorbitz and a legend was born.
It's not my problem, Richie.
I've already alerted Enormous Derek.
I've activated a highly-trained professional killer.
Or, I've phoned a big bastard with no brain who dresses in women's underwear and I've got the photos.
So unless you and Eddie pay me my thousand pounds back tonight it's roller blinds for the both of you! - Eh? - Roller blinds? Oh, sorry.
Curtains.
Oh.
Curtains.
What are we gonna do?! Shove over, old friend! Filthy made that thousand quid out of that strange painting episode.
- Of course! - Yes.
Aha-ha Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Eddie? We're going to make you into an artist, so get out your easel! - Oo-er! - I'm not going to rise to it.
- Come, we repair to Hampstead! - Right.
Extra, extra! I'm an extra! Come on, get your paintings here! Well, have you sold any yet? Hundreds, I'm sure.
I've sung your praises all over Hampstead.
- How many have you sold? - Um None! But I have high hopes for my new piece, entitled simply "Wall"! Until now I was blind, at last I behold life as it really is! Oh, God, fans.
It's a bore, I know, but I do always say, without fans even I would be nowhere.
Tarby feels the same and Kenny Lynch.
Bobby Davro said the same.
I said, "You are nowhere.
" Away, imbecile! Oh, my God, a psycho fan! John Lennon syndrome! Peasant, this is the art critic Alphonse P'Farty.
Perhaps something in this horrific collage of mental vomit has moved his soul.
Personally it moves only my bowels.
Who is Edwardo Catflappo? Who wants to know, fatso? - Ahh! - Ahh! - Rahh! - Rarr! - Rarr! - Raagh! - Ohhh, such strength! - Aaah! Such anger! My friend, you are a genius! Oo-er! - I intend to exhibit your vork.
- Beg your pardon? I intend to exhibit your work.
Zoon you vill be famous.
- And rich.
- Great! How about an advance? But of course, of course! Take, take.
Give, give, give.
In return, perhaps I might choose that one.
That's not actually a painting, that's my lunch.
It disagreed with me.
But you can have it for a thousand quid.
Magnificent! Have it scraped up for me while I telephone the Gwardian.
Come, Alphonse! It worked.
It bloody worked! Come on, let's go and celebrate! Raaaaah! Hello! It's all right, we've got money! So this is what a restaurant looks like? Mm! Fantastic! Try some of this, Richie! Fantastic! I'll have five! Okey-dokey, skip! Ah-ha-ha-haaa! Waiter, come here quickly before I cause a scene! Ah, good.
Two slap-up grills, please.
Egg, saus, bac, black pud, bloater, onios, mushos, peasos, chippos, buttered sliceos.
In short, two heart attacks and a coronary care unit, please.
And an Alka-Seltzer in an unfeasibly large brandy, please.
I'm afraid, sir, we don't do fry-ups.
Ooh! Perhaps you'd like to see the menu? Looks great.
We'll have the lot.
Well, me proud beauty, we're going to have a classic nosh up! Could I have your autograph, please? Oh, more fans! Still, if I'm not used to it now.
What name is it? I heard Mr P'Farty talking about your work.
I've never met a celebrity before.
Uh-huh-huh-huh! I agreed with every word - such passion, such fire! If you want some fiery passion, baby, you only have to ask! Er, God bless, look after mum, oo-er, sounds a bit rude! She hasn't recognised you, have you, darling? No.
Who is he? Ah-ha-ha.
What do you mean? What an interesting tablecloth.
- There you go, baby.
- Oh, thank you! Your meals come to £250 each.
Payment in advance.
Of course.
There's mine, but I'm not paying for his.
You pay for my tea this instant, Mr Edward Catflap! No, you've pushed me around long enough! I've been scorned and ordered about! "Do this, Eddie! Do that, Eddie!" But you never did anything! I wanted to be someone! I could've been a contender.
But you were always out there in front, pushing, barging, farting! See who's wearing the farting trousers now! So up yours! I'm not paying for your tuck! Have you no honour? - No integrity? - That's a bloody stupid question.
Yes, I suppose so, yes.
- Oh! - Oh, thank you, garçon! Get off and get out! I hope you've got change for 30 pieces of silver, Judas.
See you at my first exhibition! - This joke won't get that far! - The show's not that bad.
Ha! Welcome! It gives me enorrrmous pleasure to sit on bath taps.
No Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
It gives me, of course, enormous pleasure to open this exhibition.
There comes to us occasionally of a time, yes, a force, a gift from God.
A gift of fire and passion.
Such a gift is Edwardo Catflappo.
Hello! Everythink he produces is a work of art.
Quite bloody right! That was my latest effort, it's called "Belching In An Art Gallery".
OK, who wants to buy it? Of course! Flatulence, the only truly disposable art form! - I bid - 250! Oh, come on, I was about to bid then! - My bid stands! - Oh! Look, look, I'll settle this.
There you are, one each.
Leave the cash at the door.
OK, Poo Farty, the No, P'Farty.
Poo Farty, OK.
Poo Farty.
The exhibition's open today.
I'm going to the pub.
If anybody wants to pay to see me do it you're welcome.
Thank you and good night! Well, my friend, it pains me to say it but you have won.
I am consumed with discontent, consumed, I tell you.
Despite our wager it was my hope that I would be proved wrong.
Alas, I overestimated the art establishment.
They will follow any fashion.
We bet that you could find the most gross, talentless, oikish, tosspot of a painter, a world-class head of a dick, and with your influence, make the public think him an exciting artist.
Mm.
And to my shame and disappointment, I have done so.
You owe me 20,000 of your English poundies.
Here are the English poundies.
So that's your little game! And guess who heard it all?! Who? Me! Richie bloody Rich! The price of my silence is that 20,000- and you ending this charade that's making my minder more famous than me! Huh.
Here you are.
Come, N'Bend.
"Nob-end"? My card.
Alphonse Nob End? Nob End and Poo Farty.
What a script.
Get out.
Let's go to some situation comedy where they will appreciate our lavatorial banter.
20 thou and a difficult plot tied up into the bargain.
You never thought we'd do it in half an hour but we did, just by being stupid.
- Come to see my exhibish? - No, I've come to close it.
You've been the ignorant dupe of two arrogant ponces.
I thought it was strange.
I just sold my pants for 500 quid.
Heh-heh-heh-heh! I've just ended your career for 20 thou.
After I've paid off the Noles and Filthy it comes to 18 thou, of which you won't be getting any.
Enormous Derek.
Have a thousand pounds.
- Right, let's pay off the Nolans.
- No need to do that, I've paid them off with my burp and pants money.
Forgive me, Edward, but it would seem a bit out of character for you to perform an act of kindness.
Well, I haven't really performed an act of kindness because I still have the incriminating film! Er, so I'll just take my 18 grand and we'll celebrate, shall we? Richie, carry me back to the flat.
And no farting! We're gonna have the most disgusting, debauched party! - OK, girls, do it now! Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing Ooh, I'm giving it all tonight I'm in the mood for chancing I feel like dancing Ooh, so come on and hold me tight Dancing Dancing I'm in the mood, babe Ooh So let the music play Ooh, I'm dancing Dancing I'm in the groove, babe So get on up and let your body sway Ooh, I'm in the mood for dancing Romancing You know I should never stop tonight I'm in the mood, I'm in the mood I'm in the mood to dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm in the mood, so baby, dance Yeah, let's dance Ooh, ooh, ooh Come on and dance Ooh, ooh, ooh I'm in the mood to take a chance