Flight of the Conchords s01e03 Episode Script
Mugged
What did Hamish do? Is he gonna get a new tractor? Yeah, well, he probably shouldn't.
He lives in the city.
No, it's not that dangerous here.
- I don't need a gun.
- Tell her it is a bit dangerous.
- Not all Americans have guns.
- Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.
- Dave has a paintball gun.
- It's not a real gun, though.
- Yeah, it's not real.
- Just shoots paint.
I'm not gonna get a gun, though.
I'm not getting I've told you that.
No.
Tell her I'm thinking about getting a gun.
That's Bruce Willis, though.
Tell her about all the TV stations here, Bret.
- He's acting.
It's not real.
- Bret, the TV stations.
- Tell her about all the TV stations.
- Jemaine wants me to tell you there's a lot of TV stations.
What'd she say? - How many? - I don't know.
There's a lot.
Yeah yeah, no.
More than four.
- Yeah.
- What'd she say? She says "Wow.
" Well, I'll talk to you soon.
- Say bye for - Jemaine says "Bye" as well.
She says "Bye.
" Do you want to talk to her? - Nuh-uh.
- No.
Okay.
All right, bye.
Bye.
- Who was that? - It's Mom.
She's good.
Okay, guys, band meeting.
- Jemaine? - Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
Bret? Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name? - Your rapping name? - Rhymenoceros.
- Rhinoceros? - The Rhymenoceros.
Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here.
I've got "Bret.
" Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name? No.
It's not a rapping name.
It's a good rapping name.
"Hello, everybody, I am Bret.
" - No.
- Rhymes with "wet" and No, "Rhymenoceros.
" Look, if you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by.
- I won't.
- Well, you'd better not.
You know what I mean by that? What about you, Jemaine? Have you got a rapping name? Yeah, "Hiphopopotamus," but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.
Okay.
Well, let's go again.
Jemaine? - I just said yes before.
- Yep.
Okay, and what is it? "Rhymenoceros.
" Mm-hmm.
And Murray present.
"Band agenda: Item one, haircut.
" Bret.
- No, haven't had it done.
- Well, get it cut.
I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.
- Well, Led Zeppelin? - I mean a man.
It needs a trim.
Yours is pretty long, Murray.
"Item 2-A, gig.
" Oh, "a gig.
" I'm gonna get you guys another gig.
What do you mean, "another gig"? - Remember the other one? - Vaguely.
Well, what about another one? Murray, I was thinking perhaps we could do gigs at night? - No no, come on.
- Yes, most bands - Most bands play at night.
- Not again.
- We've talked about this.
- Most bands play at night.
It's too dangerous out there at night.
We go around walking around at night all the time.
Well, you know, anything could happen.
You could get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered imagine that or even just ridiculed.
- We've never been ridiculed.
- No.
- You haven't? - No.
Well, that's a surprise.
I get ridiculed all the time.
- Really? - Yup.
"Oh hey, ginger-balls.
" You know? That was Bret.
- He called you that.
- The other night.
Well, it's not just you, Bret, it's all the time, and it's not just ginger-balls, you know? - I thought that was your nickname? - No.
I get, "Oh, what are you on your way to a dick meeting?" All right, here you are.
You should wear these T-shirts with "New York" on them.
All right, just so you fit in.
Here's a hat.
Put this on, all right? "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" That's what they say when people get in the way, so there's the hats.
You'll need a map.
All right, take one of those each.
These are just maps of New York.
Keep them open.
Every time you stop and get lost, you know where you are.
And these are the safety reflective belts.
All right, they light up.
I'm not gonna wear that.
- Yeah, you should.
- No, I'm not wearing it.
Don't give it to me, I'm not gonna wear it.
Would you rather get murdered? Come on.
'cause he's down in the hole doing nothing.
- Whoa.
- All right, go.
Did they get him out or? - Yeah, they got him out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Justin found him.
- You got a cigarette? - Sorry, we don't smoke.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Because my man Mickey here wants a cigarette, so now you're gonna have to give him some money.
Oh we don't have any money, man.
Listen, you don't want to mess with him, because he's crazy, man, all right? He's a psycho-killer.
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Give me some money.
- Well, I've got $15.
- Okay, hand it over.
No, but it's in the bank.
We'd have to go to the bank to get it out.
No, we don't have time to go to the bank, dipshit.
We might just have time.
Empty your pockets, let's go.
Give me what you got.
"Go to a bank.
" Give me this.
No no keys.
What is this? What the hell? Why why does the phone have a camera glued to it? It's a camera phone.
Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Look at this.
- Oh yeah? Where'd you get it? - I made it.
It's homemade.
Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much? - You can have it.
- No no, he doesn't want it.
Yeah yeah, I'll keep it.
It's kind of interesting.
- You like it? - Yeah.
- Give us the bike.
- Oh you don't need the bike, man.
- You got the camera phone.
- You'd better be careful, - because Bret knows karate.
- Yeah, I got a book on karate.
I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got Shut up, you English faggots, and give me the bike! You'd better watch out.
You don't really know who you're dealing with.
Oh really? And who exactly are we dealing with? # I'm the mother-flippin' Rhymenoceros # # My beats are phat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny # # I'm horny, if you choose to proceed, you will indeed concede # # 'Cause I hit you with my flow, the wild rhyme stampede # # I'm not just wild, I'm trained, domesticated # # I was raised by a rapper and writer they dated # # And subsequently procreated # # That's how it goes, here's the Hiphopopotamus # - # The hip-hop hippo # - # They call me the Hiphopopotamus # # My lyrics are bottomless # Uh.
# They call me the Hiphopopotamus # # Flows, they glow like phosphorus # # Poppin' off the top of the esophagus # # Rockin' this metropolis, I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal # # Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? # # Did Steve tell you that, perchance? # # Mmm, Steve # # My rhymes and records, they don't get played # # Because my records and rhymes, they don't get made # # And if you rap like me, you don't get paid # # And if you roll like me, you don't get laid # # My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment # # I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant # # Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist # # But you lovely bitches now should know I'm trying to correct this # # Other rappers diss me # # They say my rhymes are sissy # - # Why? # - # Why? # - # Why? # - # Why exactly? # # What why? # # Be more constructive with your feedback # - # Please, why? # - # Why? # # Why? 'Cause I rap about reality # # Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea # # There ain't no party like my nana's tea party # # Hi-ho # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # Who's the mother-flippin'? # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # Mother-flippin'.
# You guys dancing a little bit? - No.
- I told you to give us the bikes, you didn't listen, so now this is happening.
Mickey, show them the knife.
- That's not a knife.
- Yeah, that's a knife.
Oh, it is a knife.
Get 'em, get 'em.
Get 'em! Uh, Bret, my sleeve just help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence.
I'm too scared, man.
Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.
Oh, flip.
We'd locked our bikes up, and then the the gang just surrounded us.
And suddenly, yeah, they everywhere - We were around here somewhere.
- Well, how many were there? - There was two of them.
- Two? That's not a gang.
- It was a two-man gang.
- Two-man gang.
- Can you have that, David? - Well that's a pretty small gang.
I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.
- Can you put that gun down? - Murray, it's a paint-pellet gun.
- Well, what happened after that? - Well, then we ran down here, they chased us and Jemaine got got caught on the fence.
- What did Jemaine do then? - Well, he was stuck on a And then just going, "Bret, help me, help me.
I'm stuck on the fence.
" - What happened after that? - Um - I ran away.
- You just left him there to fight them himself? Well, I left him on the he was on the fence.
- Bret! - Well, I was I was very scared.
- We were being mugged.
- Well, for a start, you could have told me this two days ago when it happened.
Well, I just thought he would have come home by now.
Who knows what could have happened to him? He could be in hospital.
A lot of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office, and I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them to stay clear of crowds by going through back alleys.
Yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged.
You just don't know.
You hear a lot of terrible things happening.
- He may be dead.
- He maybe did what? - He may be dead.
- I know, but what did he maybe do? He may be dead.
Yeah, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
- What did he maybe do? - No, he may be dead.
Are you guys fucking with me? - What? - Not alive.
You know dead.
Oh.
Oh.
I can't believe that he just ran off like that when the cops came and left me there.
Can you can you believe that he would just abandon me like that? That kind of thing, it defines character.
- Yeah.
- Son of a bitch.
Yeah, you know, 'cause you were deserted too.
Huh? Anything could have happened to you.
I know.
You could have killed me.
Could have totally killed you.
Is that what you is that the kind of thing you do? You kill people? Maybe.
Why, you ever kill somebody? - Not really.
- No? Yeah, me neither.
Killed a monkey once.
Mmm.
Uh-huh.
Don't tell anybody about that, okay? 'Cause I'm not proud of it.
- Oh, I won't tell anyone.
- You'd better not.
I won't.
Definitely not.
Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick.
I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.
- That was that was actually me.
- That was Bret.
- Are you sure? 'Cause I thought - It was Bret, David.
Jemaine was the one who helped you out.
And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair.
- Remember? - Yeah.
You were there for hours.
He was just a helpful guy, you know? - Loyal.
- Yeah.
Just hope he's not dead.
There's still a chance he's not dead.
Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? I mean, that always cracked me up.
He'd be like - he'd be like - What? Yeah, that's it.
He'd be like, "What? What? What?" You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said.
- He did say "what" a lot.
- He did, he did, yeah.
- "What? What?" - "What's going on?" - Yeah.
- "What.
" He listened, he was just always questioning.
- "When? When?" - "When, when?" "When are we getting a gig?" I mean, so you can picture the situation, right? I got Mickey's cousin tied up in a chair, supposed to shoot him in the kneecap, teach him some lesson, you know? - About something.
- What what sort of thing? I don't know, some family shit, you know? - Yeah.
- It's between them.
I don't ask.
So anyway I shoot him.
Then I get a text this is 45 minutes later.
Yeah, a text, mind you, all right? Not a phone call "Oh, hey, by the way, John, call it off.
" - That's terrible.
- Call the thing off.
- After I after I did it.
- A text.
Worst part, he had known for two days before he texted me.
- Really? - Yeah.
So I got to untie the guy, right? I got to apologize.
He's bleeding all over the place, I got to help him.
It was very awkward shit.
I was very upset about it.
I can imagine, John.
That sounds so - that sounds terrible.
- It was horrible.
- Bret did exactly that same thing.
- Really? Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, - and uh, "March of the Penguins.
" - Oh, I love that movie.
And, he I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up.
He texted me, said, "I'm not coming.
" Well, that's that's not really the same thing, is it? I mean I I shot a guy, you know? Yours is worse.
Excuse me, gentlemen? Your friend you reported dead, we think we might have found him.
Now is he a guy who wears glasses? - No.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- About 6'1, 6'2, Caucasian? He's from New Zealand.
Yeah, kind of talks in a monotone, sounds like a robot? Well, that's the New Zealand accent.
Right.
Kind of sounds like, "What? What, what? Don't poot me in there weeth him.
I'm innocent.
I'm innocent"? - Yes, that's definitely him.
- That's him.
It's a little bit more sort of South African.
Think we might need to see him visually.
Sure.
Is she gonna bring the body out here? - You okay? - Yes.
- You're acting a little bit weird.
- No, I'm not.
- You are.
- No, I'm not.
This is what I'm like.
You're annoyed.
No.
Is it 'cause I ate the last of your muesli? No.
Because they took your camera phone? No, it's not 'cause they took the camera phone.
'Cause I rented your half of the apartment out to Rueben? Does he have to stay here still? Well, he's paid two weeks' rent, 'cause I didn't think you were coming back.
No, he's okay.
Is it because I ran away when we were being mugged and left you with guys with a knife? - Yes, actually.
Yes.
- Oh, okay.
I knew it, yeah.
Well, it was a high- pressure situation, man.
I had to you know, I had to make a decision.
You would have done the same thing.
I wouldn't have.
You abandoned me.
You left me to die.
I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it.
You shouldn't have done it anyway.
- Hassling me.
- I'm not hassling you.
- You are hassling me.
- I'm just pointing out that when you're in a situation where you're being mugged, you shouldn't - leave your friend to die.
- Hassling me.
- Height of rudeness.
- Okay, David Hassle-hoff.
Oh my God.
Jemaine, are you okay? - Yeah.
- You're out? - Mm-hmm.
- Did the cops try to strip search you? - No.
- Did they find anything? No, they didn't strip search me.
Oh, I I thought you said they did.
- No.
- Oh.
Well, did any of your cellmates, you know, - rape you in the a - No.
No no no.
Oh good, good.
'Cause if if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth I've gotta I've gotta go.
Oh, you're kind of like a convict now.
Makes you seem so dangerous, like you could just do anything.
He was only in there for two days.
Bret, I know what you did.
Mmm? Being in jail just makes you seem so sexy.
I guess it's the danger aspect.
What are you gonna do to me? Do it! No, don't, don't.
- See you guys later.
- See ya.
Oh, yeah, just run, Bret.
Just run.
It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know.
They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.
Actually, I've I've got to go too.
I've got to go to the same meeting as Bret.
Oh, okay.
They'd get off on it.
- Jemaine? - Yes.
- Bret? - Um, Rhymenoceros.
- Rhymenoceros, yep.
- Yep, present.
- That's not a real gangster name.
- What? - And Murray.
- Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have.
Like John.
There was another guy there Ralph.
Well, you were only in there for two days, man.
Hey, guys, what's going on here? Well, Jemaine just keeps on hassling me about how I abandoned him when we got mugged.
And why are you angry with him? Well, he left me to die.
Yeah well, we all know that.
Old news.
No one likes a moaner.
Yeah well, he just keeps on going on about it.
And having said that, no one likes an abandoner either, Bret.
Now you don't abandon each other in life-threatening situations.
Okay.
What happens is the guy who's left behind Jemaine may feel left behind.
Yeah? Abandonment issues.
Not only that, but he could be seriously injured.
- You were just lucky.
- Well, I wasn't that lucky.
Well, they said you didn't need that.
I don't I don't trust him anymore.
- Oh, you don't mean that.
- Yeah? What do I mean? Calm down, Jemaine! Sorry, if I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage.
I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.
Well, what if you actually had another gig? - Well, then I would.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
- I haven't actually got you one, but that's good to know.
You know, I'm always trying to get you gigs.
All right? What's this meeting about? Well, one of my CDs is missing.
So your friend your best friend in the whole world just left you there with a bunch of crazy-ass muggers? - Hey.
Oh.
- Shh.
Were you scared? Uh, yeah yeah, I guess I was kind of scared, right? - Sort of.
- Yeah.
But, then again, - I wasn't scared.
- Oh wow.
I just can't believe a friend would do that.
What a douche bag.
I know.
What a douche bag.
Can't believe what you did, man.
You leave your best friend with a couple of hoodlums who are about to mug him? That's cold.
But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums - mugging us, you know? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
I guess I am somewhat to blame as well, huh? - But it's still shitty, what he did.
- Yes, I agree with that.
It's still very much shitty, what you did, Bret.
Okay, because to abandon someone like that really sucks, man.
It hurts.
At least I didn't kill a monkey.
Dawg.
- Okay, this is gonna work.
- Hey.
He's really sorry.
Brought you a cup of tea, man.
- No, thank you, Bret.
- Please grab it, it's hot.
- It's hot.
- Deal with it yourself.
That's what I've learned to do the hard way.
Oh, ow ow ow oh, fuck! Ow.
Ow ow! Ah ah! I guess we're even then.
Jemaine, I made you some pizza.
I'm not hungry! Hey, man, I met you the other day when you mugged me.
Umm, the bike and the camera phone that you're talking to me Yeah yeah.
The one that ran away.
Yeah.
Look, I'm wondering if there's a chance I could get the phone back.
Hey, Jemaine, I'll see you later, maybe.
Bye, Bret.
If I live, that is, 'cause I might get killed.
Okay, let me know how that goes.
C-10.
Hit.
Yes.
What, sorry? I'm going to get your camera phone back.
If I die, I want you to tell my mom.
Okay.
Well, write write down her address.
Write it down on that piece of paper.
B-10.
Well, just phone you can just phone her and tell her.
Oh, okay, I'll just phone her.
- It's easier.
- 'Cause I might not come back.
Okay.
So this is it, man.
I'm going to get your camera phone now.
- You don't need to go and do that.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Well, you loved that thing.
Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it.
In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone.
And my camera.
I see what you're doing.
No way, man.
I'll get it for you.
I'll get it for you.
# There's children on the street using guns and knives # # Taking drugs and each other's lives # # Killing each other with knives and forks # # Calling each other names like dork # # There's people on the street # # Getting diseases from monkeys # # Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys # # Now there's junkies with monkey disease # # Who's touching these monkeys? # # P-lease leave these poor sick monkeys alone # # They've got problems enough as it is # # Man is lying on the street, some punk's chopped off his head # # I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead # # Mmm, turns out he's dead # # And that's why I'm singing # # What what is wrong with the world today? # # What's wrong with the world today? # # What what is wrong with the world today? # - # Hey hey # - # You've got to think about it # # I said think about it # # Good cops being framed # # And put into a can # # All the money that we're making # # It's going to the Man # # What man? Which man? Who's the man? # # When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? # # Am I a man? Yes # # Technically, I am # # They're turning kids into slaves # # Just to make cheaper sneakers # # But what's the real cost? # # 'Cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper # # Why are we still paying so much for sneakers # # When they're made by little slave kids? # # What are your overheads? # # At the end of your life # # You're lucky if you die # # Sometimes I wonder why we even try # # Saw a man lying on the street half-dead # # With knives and forks sticking out of his leg # # He said, "Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow # # Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?" # # "Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?" # # And then we break it down # # This is where we break it down ooh # # This is where we break it down ahh # # This is where we do the whoa whoa, break it down # # This is where we build it up now # - # We build it up now # - # We're building it up now # - # We build it up now # - # We build it up # - # Build it up! # - # And then we stop.
# Hey, you guys.
It's me, one of the guys who mugged you last week? The camera phone? We talked on the phone? Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah hey, how's it going? You know, not good.
Um, do you have the camera phone? Yeah.
Here it is.
Here are the photos I got 'em developed.
From the camera phone.
You guys had some really good times, huh? Ah.
I hope you don't mind, there's some of me in there.
I had to finish out the roll.
That's me on a roller coaster.
What's that one? It's me with a shopkeeper, pointing - pointing a gun.
Actually, I should take that.
- Well, thanks.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
Hey, how's John? We don't really talk much anymore.
Oh, yeah.
You don't see him? Yeah, I've seen him he's over there.
We're not really friends though, anymore.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he he couldn't really forgive me for running out on him like that.
You know? I should have stuck with him and saw it through.
Yeah.
We had these really big plans, you know? We were gonna go uptown, kidnap a rich kid, and ransom him and yeah.
None of that's really gonna happen now.
- That's a real shame.
- Yeah, it is.
- We'll probably see you around, so - Yeah.
- Is this where you usually mug? - Usually, um I've been too depressed to work recently.
I just wish John was big enough to accept my apology, you know? Well man, we're gonna get some pizza.
Do you want to come and get a slice of pizza or something? - Yeah? Really? Oh, I'd love to, man.
- Yeah, okay.
Um, I'm going to a White Supremacist gig.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- Oh yeah? Well, we'll probably just get the pizza.
- Mickey? - Hey, man.
Bret.
Hey, John.
- Jemaine.
- John.
Mickey, uh you wanna hang out? Sure, man.
Man, this whole week's been terrible.
I haven't felt this bad since Cheeky died.
Man, I miss that monkey.
He lives in the city.
No, it's not that dangerous here.
- I don't need a gun.
- Tell her it is a bit dangerous.
- Not all Americans have guns.
- Tell her Dave's got a paintball gun.
- Dave has a paintball gun.
- It's not a real gun, though.
- Yeah, it's not real.
- Just shoots paint.
I'm not gonna get a gun, though.
I'm not getting I've told you that.
No.
Tell her I'm thinking about getting a gun.
That's Bruce Willis, though.
Tell her about all the TV stations here, Bret.
- He's acting.
It's not real.
- Bret, the TV stations.
- Tell her about all the TV stations.
- Jemaine wants me to tell you there's a lot of TV stations.
What'd she say? - How many? - I don't know.
There's a lot.
Yeah yeah, no.
More than four.
- Yeah.
- What'd she say? She says "Wow.
" Well, I'll talk to you soon.
- Say bye for - Jemaine says "Bye" as well.
She says "Bye.
" Do you want to talk to her? - Nuh-uh.
- No.
Okay.
All right, bye.
Bye.
- Who was that? - It's Mom.
She's good.
Okay, guys, band meeting.
- Jemaine? - Yes.
- Yes? - Yes.
Bret? Murray, I was wondering if you could call me by my rapping name? - Your rapping name? - Rhymenoceros.
- Rhinoceros? - The Rhymenoceros.
Nah, well, that's not gonna fit in here.
I've got "Bret.
" Can't you just have Bret as your rapping name? No.
It's not a rapping name.
It's a good rapping name.
"Hello, everybody, I am Bret.
" - No.
- Rhymes with "wet" and No, "Rhymenoceros.
" Look, if you're gonna have some sort of rap name, just be careful you don't do a drive-by.
- I won't.
- Well, you'd better not.
You know what I mean by that? What about you, Jemaine? Have you got a rapping name? Yeah, "Hiphopopotamus," but you can just call me Jemaine if you want.
Okay.
Well, let's go again.
Jemaine? - I just said yes before.
- Yep.
Okay, and what is it? "Rhymenoceros.
" Mm-hmm.
And Murray present.
"Band agenda: Item one, haircut.
" Bret.
- No, haven't had it done.
- Well, get it cut.
I mean, you don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.
- Well, Led Zeppelin? - I mean a man.
It needs a trim.
Yours is pretty long, Murray.
"Item 2-A, gig.
" Oh, "a gig.
" I'm gonna get you guys another gig.
What do you mean, "another gig"? - Remember the other one? - Vaguely.
Well, what about another one? Murray, I was thinking perhaps we could do gigs at night? - No no, come on.
- Yes, most bands - Most bands play at night.
- Not again.
- We've talked about this.
- Most bands play at night.
It's too dangerous out there at night.
We go around walking around at night all the time.
Well, you know, anything could happen.
You could get run over, pickpocketed, fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered imagine that or even just ridiculed.
- We've never been ridiculed.
- No.
- You haven't? - No.
Well, that's a surprise.
I get ridiculed all the time.
- Really? - Yup.
"Oh hey, ginger-balls.
" You know? That was Bret.
- He called you that.
- The other night.
Well, it's not just you, Bret, it's all the time, and it's not just ginger-balls, you know? - I thought that was your nickname? - No.
I get, "Oh, what are you on your way to a dick meeting?" All right, here you are.
You should wear these T-shirts with "New York" on them.
All right, just so you fit in.
Here's a hat.
Put this on, all right? "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" That's what they say when people get in the way, so there's the hats.
You'll need a map.
All right, take one of those each.
These are just maps of New York.
Keep them open.
Every time you stop and get lost, you know where you are.
And these are the safety reflective belts.
All right, they light up.
I'm not gonna wear that.
- Yeah, you should.
- No, I'm not wearing it.
Don't give it to me, I'm not gonna wear it.
Would you rather get murdered? Come on.
'cause he's down in the hole doing nothing.
- Whoa.
- All right, go.
Did they get him out or? - Yeah, they got him out.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Justin found him.
- You got a cigarette? - Sorry, we don't smoke.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Because my man Mickey here wants a cigarette, so now you're gonna have to give him some money.
Oh we don't have any money, man.
Listen, you don't want to mess with him, because he's crazy, man, all right? He's a psycho-killer.
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Give me some money.
- Well, I've got $15.
- Okay, hand it over.
No, but it's in the bank.
We'd have to go to the bank to get it out.
No, we don't have time to go to the bank, dipshit.
We might just have time.
Empty your pockets, let's go.
Give me what you got.
"Go to a bank.
" Give me this.
No no keys.
What is this? What the hell? Why why does the phone have a camera glued to it? It's a camera phone.
Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.
Look at this.
- Oh yeah? Where'd you get it? - I made it.
It's homemade.
Yeah, it's a piece of shit.
Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much? - You can have it.
- No no, he doesn't want it.
Yeah yeah, I'll keep it.
It's kind of interesting.
- You like it? - Yeah.
- Give us the bike.
- Oh you don't need the bike, man.
- You got the camera phone.
- You'd better be careful, - because Bret knows karate.
- Yeah, I got a book on karate.
I haven't actually read it yet, but I've got Shut up, you English faggots, and give me the bike! You'd better watch out.
You don't really know who you're dealing with.
Oh really? And who exactly are we dealing with? # I'm the mother-flippin' Rhymenoceros # # My beats are phat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny # # I'm horny, if you choose to proceed, you will indeed concede # # 'Cause I hit you with my flow, the wild rhyme stampede # # I'm not just wild, I'm trained, domesticated # # I was raised by a rapper and writer they dated # # And subsequently procreated # # That's how it goes, here's the Hiphopopotamus # - # The hip-hop hippo # - # They call me the Hiphopopotamus # # My lyrics are bottomless # Uh.
# They call me the Hiphopopotamus # # Flows, they glow like phosphorus # # Poppin' off the top of the esophagus # # Rockin' this metropolis, I'm not a large water-dwelling mammal # # Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? # # Did Steve tell you that, perchance? # # Mmm, Steve # # My rhymes and records, they don't get played # # Because my records and rhymes, they don't get made # # And if you rap like me, you don't get paid # # And if you roll like me, you don't get laid # # My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment # # I made all of the ladies in the area pregnant # # Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist # # But you lovely bitches now should know I'm trying to correct this # # Other rappers diss me # # They say my rhymes are sissy # - # Why? # - # Why? # - # Why? # - # Why exactly? # # What why? # # Be more constructive with your feedback # - # Please, why? # - # Why? # # Why? 'Cause I rap about reality # # Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea # # There ain't no party like my nana's tea party # # Hi-ho # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # Who's the mother-flippin'? # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # I'm the mother-flippin' # # Mother-flippin'.
# You guys dancing a little bit? - No.
- I told you to give us the bikes, you didn't listen, so now this is happening.
Mickey, show them the knife.
- That's not a knife.
- Yeah, that's a knife.
Oh, it is a knife.
Get 'em, get 'em.
Get 'em! Uh, Bret, my sleeve just help me, my sleeve's just caught on the fence.
I'm too scared, man.
Bret, the corduroy's caught on the fence, Bret.
Oh, flip.
We'd locked our bikes up, and then the the gang just surrounded us.
And suddenly, yeah, they everywhere - We were around here somewhere.
- Well, how many were there? - There was two of them.
- Two? That's not a gang.
- It was a two-man gang.
- Two-man gang.
- Can you have that, David? - Well that's a pretty small gang.
I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.
- Can you put that gun down? - Murray, it's a paint-pellet gun.
- Well, what happened after that? - Well, then we ran down here, they chased us and Jemaine got got caught on the fence.
- What did Jemaine do then? - Well, he was stuck on a And then just going, "Bret, help me, help me.
I'm stuck on the fence.
" - What happened after that? - Um - I ran away.
- You just left him there to fight them himself? Well, I left him on the he was on the fence.
- Bret! - Well, I was I was very scared.
- We were being mugged.
- Well, for a start, you could have told me this two days ago when it happened.
Well, I just thought he would have come home by now.
Who knows what could have happened to him? He could be in hospital.
A lot of New Zealanders come over here and they come into my office, and I give them the vest, a map, and I tell them to stay clear of crowds by going through back alleys.
Yet almost every day a New Zealander is mugged.
You just don't know.
You hear a lot of terrible things happening.
- He may be dead.
- He maybe did what? - He may be dead.
- I know, but what did he maybe do? He may be dead.
Yeah, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
- What did he maybe do? - No, he may be dead.
Are you guys fucking with me? - What? - Not alive.
You know dead.
Oh.
Oh.
I can't believe that he just ran off like that when the cops came and left me there.
Can you can you believe that he would just abandon me like that? That kind of thing, it defines character.
- Yeah.
- Son of a bitch.
Yeah, you know, 'cause you were deserted too.
Huh? Anything could have happened to you.
I know.
You could have killed me.
Could have totally killed you.
Is that what you is that the kind of thing you do? You kill people? Maybe.
Why, you ever kill somebody? - Not really.
- No? Yeah, me neither.
Killed a monkey once.
Mmm.
Uh-huh.
Don't tell anybody about that, okay? 'Cause I'm not proud of it.
- Oh, I won't tell anyone.
- You'd better not.
I won't.
Definitely not.
Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick.
I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.
- That was that was actually me.
- That was Bret.
- Are you sure? 'Cause I thought - It was Bret, David.
Jemaine was the one who helped you out.
And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair.
- Remember? - Yeah.
You were there for hours.
He was just a helpful guy, you know? - Loyal.
- Yeah.
Just hope he's not dead.
There's still a chance he's not dead.
Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? I mean, that always cracked me up.
He'd be like - he'd be like - What? Yeah, that's it.
He'd be like, "What? What? What?" You know, I never understood a fucking word that guy said.
- He did say "what" a lot.
- He did, he did, yeah.
- "What? What?" - "What's going on?" - Yeah.
- "What.
" He listened, he was just always questioning.
- "When? When?" - "When, when?" "When are we getting a gig?" I mean, so you can picture the situation, right? I got Mickey's cousin tied up in a chair, supposed to shoot him in the kneecap, teach him some lesson, you know? - About something.
- What what sort of thing? I don't know, some family shit, you know? - Yeah.
- It's between them.
I don't ask.
So anyway I shoot him.
Then I get a text this is 45 minutes later.
Yeah, a text, mind you, all right? Not a phone call "Oh, hey, by the way, John, call it off.
" - That's terrible.
- Call the thing off.
- After I after I did it.
- A text.
Worst part, he had known for two days before he texted me.
- Really? - Yeah.
So I got to untie the guy, right? I got to apologize.
He's bleeding all over the place, I got to help him.
It was very awkward shit.
I was very upset about it.
I can imagine, John.
That sounds so - that sounds terrible.
- It was horrible.
- Bret did exactly that same thing.
- Really? Yeah, one time we were supposed to go to the movies, - and uh, "March of the Penguins.
" - Oh, I love that movie.
And, he I had bought the tickets, and he didn't turn up.
He texted me, said, "I'm not coming.
" Well, that's that's not really the same thing, is it? I mean I I shot a guy, you know? Yours is worse.
Excuse me, gentlemen? Your friend you reported dead, we think we might have found him.
Now is he a guy who wears glasses? - No.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- About 6'1, 6'2, Caucasian? He's from New Zealand.
Yeah, kind of talks in a monotone, sounds like a robot? Well, that's the New Zealand accent.
Right.
Kind of sounds like, "What? What, what? Don't poot me in there weeth him.
I'm innocent.
I'm innocent"? - Yes, that's definitely him.
- That's him.
It's a little bit more sort of South African.
Think we might need to see him visually.
Sure.
Is she gonna bring the body out here? - You okay? - Yes.
- You're acting a little bit weird.
- No, I'm not.
- You are.
- No, I'm not.
This is what I'm like.
You're annoyed.
No.
Is it 'cause I ate the last of your muesli? No.
Because they took your camera phone? No, it's not 'cause they took the camera phone.
'Cause I rented your half of the apartment out to Rueben? Does he have to stay here still? Well, he's paid two weeks' rent, 'cause I didn't think you were coming back.
No, he's okay.
Is it because I ran away when we were being mugged and left you with guys with a knife? - Yes, actually.
Yes.
- Oh, okay.
I knew it, yeah.
Well, it was a high- pressure situation, man.
I had to you know, I had to make a decision.
You would have done the same thing.
I wouldn't have.
You abandoned me.
You left me to die.
I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were gonna hassle me about it.
You shouldn't have done it anyway.
- Hassling me.
- I'm not hassling you.
- You are hassling me.
- I'm just pointing out that when you're in a situation where you're being mugged, you shouldn't - leave your friend to die.
- Hassling me.
- Height of rudeness.
- Okay, David Hassle-hoff.
Oh my God.
Jemaine, are you okay? - Yeah.
- You're out? - Mm-hmm.
- Did the cops try to strip search you? - No.
- Did they find anything? No, they didn't strip search me.
Oh, I I thought you said they did.
- No.
- Oh.
Well, did any of your cellmates, you know, - rape you in the a - No.
No no no.
Oh good, good.
'Cause if if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth I've gotta I've gotta go.
Oh, you're kind of like a convict now.
Makes you seem so dangerous, like you could just do anything.
He was only in there for two days.
Bret, I know what you did.
Mmm? Being in jail just makes you seem so sexy.
I guess it's the danger aspect.
What are you gonna do to me? Do it! No, don't, don't.
- See you guys later.
- See ya.
Oh, yeah, just run, Bret.
Just run.
It's like Bonnie and Clyde, you know.
They would rob banks, and then they would do each other.
Actually, I've I've got to go too.
I've got to go to the same meeting as Bret.
Oh, okay.
They'd get off on it.
- Jemaine? - Yes.
- Bret? - Um, Rhymenoceros.
- Rhymenoceros, yep.
- Yep, present.
- That's not a real gangster name.
- What? - And Murray.
- Well, I've been on the inside, I know what sort of names gangsters have.
Like John.
There was another guy there Ralph.
Well, you were only in there for two days, man.
Hey, guys, what's going on here? Well, Jemaine just keeps on hassling me about how I abandoned him when we got mugged.
And why are you angry with him? Well, he left me to die.
Yeah well, we all know that.
Old news.
No one likes a moaner.
Yeah well, he just keeps on going on about it.
And having said that, no one likes an abandoner either, Bret.
Now you don't abandon each other in life-threatening situations.
Okay.
What happens is the guy who's left behind Jemaine may feel left behind.
Yeah? Abandonment issues.
Not only that, but he could be seriously injured.
- You were just lucky.
- Well, I wasn't that lucky.
Well, they said you didn't need that.
I don't I don't trust him anymore.
- Oh, you don't mean that.
- Yeah? What do I mean? Calm down, Jemaine! Sorry, if I can't trust him on the streets, I can't trust him on the stage.
I can't do another gig with him without going against everything I stand for.
Well, what if you actually had another gig? - Well, then I would.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
- I haven't actually got you one, but that's good to know.
You know, I'm always trying to get you gigs.
All right? What's this meeting about? Well, one of my CDs is missing.
So your friend your best friend in the whole world just left you there with a bunch of crazy-ass muggers? - Hey.
Oh.
- Shh.
Were you scared? Uh, yeah yeah, I guess I was kind of scared, right? - Sort of.
- Yeah.
But, then again, - I wasn't scared.
- Oh wow.
I just can't believe a friend would do that.
What a douche bag.
I know.
What a douche bag.
Can't believe what you did, man.
You leave your best friend with a couple of hoodlums who are about to mug him? That's cold.
But to be fair to Bret, John, you were one of those hoodlums - mugging us, you know? - Yeah.
Yeah, that's true.
I guess I am somewhat to blame as well, huh? - But it's still shitty, what he did.
- Yes, I agree with that.
It's still very much shitty, what you did, Bret.
Okay, because to abandon someone like that really sucks, man.
It hurts.
At least I didn't kill a monkey.
Dawg.
- Okay, this is gonna work.
- Hey.
He's really sorry.
Brought you a cup of tea, man.
- No, thank you, Bret.
- Please grab it, it's hot.
- It's hot.
- Deal with it yourself.
That's what I've learned to do the hard way.
Oh, ow ow ow oh, fuck! Ow.
Ow ow! Ah ah! I guess we're even then.
Jemaine, I made you some pizza.
I'm not hungry! Hey, man, I met you the other day when you mugged me.
Umm, the bike and the camera phone that you're talking to me Yeah yeah.
The one that ran away.
Yeah.
Look, I'm wondering if there's a chance I could get the phone back.
Hey, Jemaine, I'll see you later, maybe.
Bye, Bret.
If I live, that is, 'cause I might get killed.
Okay, let me know how that goes.
C-10.
Hit.
Yes.
What, sorry? I'm going to get your camera phone back.
If I die, I want you to tell my mom.
Okay.
Well, write write down her address.
Write it down on that piece of paper.
B-10.
Well, just phone you can just phone her and tell her.
Oh, okay, I'll just phone her.
- It's easier.
- 'Cause I might not come back.
Okay.
So this is it, man.
I'm going to get your camera phone now.
- You don't need to go and do that.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- Well, you loved that thing.
Yeah, I didn't really love that camera phone as much as you thought I loved it.
In fact, I kind of think you ruined my phone when you made me that camera phone.
And my camera.
I see what you're doing.
No way, man.
I'll get it for you.
I'll get it for you.
# There's children on the street using guns and knives # # Taking drugs and each other's lives # # Killing each other with knives and forks # # Calling each other names like dork # # There's people on the street # # Getting diseases from monkeys # # Yeah, that's what I said, they're getting diseases from monkeys # # Now there's junkies with monkey disease # # Who's touching these monkeys? # # P-lease leave these poor sick monkeys alone # # They've got problems enough as it is # # Man is lying on the street, some punk's chopped off his head # # I'm the only one who stops to see if he's dead # # Mmm, turns out he's dead # # And that's why I'm singing # # What what is wrong with the world today? # # What's wrong with the world today? # # What what is wrong with the world today? # - # Hey hey # - # You've got to think about it # # I said think about it # # Good cops being framed # # And put into a can # # All the money that we're making # # It's going to the Man # # What man? Which man? Who's the man? # # When's a man a man? What makes a man a man? # # Am I a man? Yes # # Technically, I am # # They're turning kids into slaves # # Just to make cheaper sneakers # # But what's the real cost? # # 'Cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper # # Why are we still paying so much for sneakers # # When they're made by little slave kids? # # What are your overheads? # # At the end of your life # # You're lucky if you die # # Sometimes I wonder why we even try # # Saw a man lying on the street half-dead # # With knives and forks sticking out of his leg # # He said, "Ah ah ah, ow ow ow ow ow ow # # Can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg please?" # # "Can somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees?" # # And then we break it down # # This is where we break it down ooh # # This is where we break it down ahh # # This is where we do the whoa whoa, break it down # # This is where we build it up now # - # We build it up now # - # We're building it up now # - # We build it up now # - # We build it up # - # Build it up! # - # And then we stop.
# Hey, you guys.
It's me, one of the guys who mugged you last week? The camera phone? We talked on the phone? Oh yeah yeah yeah.
Yeah hey, how's it going? You know, not good.
Um, do you have the camera phone? Yeah.
Here it is.
Here are the photos I got 'em developed.
From the camera phone.
You guys had some really good times, huh? Ah.
I hope you don't mind, there's some of me in there.
I had to finish out the roll.
That's me on a roller coaster.
What's that one? It's me with a shopkeeper, pointing - pointing a gun.
Actually, I should take that.
- Well, thanks.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
Hey, how's John? We don't really talk much anymore.
Oh, yeah.
You don't see him? Yeah, I've seen him he's over there.
We're not really friends though, anymore.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he he couldn't really forgive me for running out on him like that.
You know? I should have stuck with him and saw it through.
Yeah.
We had these really big plans, you know? We were gonna go uptown, kidnap a rich kid, and ransom him and yeah.
None of that's really gonna happen now.
- That's a real shame.
- Yeah, it is.
- We'll probably see you around, so - Yeah.
- Is this where you usually mug? - Usually, um I've been too depressed to work recently.
I just wish John was big enough to accept my apology, you know? Well man, we're gonna get some pizza.
Do you want to come and get a slice of pizza or something? - Yeah? Really? Oh, I'd love to, man.
- Yeah, okay.
Um, I'm going to a White Supremacist gig.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- Oh yeah? Well, we'll probably just get the pizza.
- Mickey? - Hey, man.
Bret.
Hey, John.
- Jemaine.
- John.
Mickey, uh you wanna hang out? Sure, man.
Man, this whole week's been terrible.
I haven't felt this bad since Cheeky died.
Man, I miss that monkey.