Flight of the Conchords s01e05 Episode Script

Tickle tickle tickle! Hey Bret, how come you don't tickle me anymore? - What? - Huh? Oh, I'm just joking.
Tickle tickle.
Actually, seriously though, you guys are just tickling each other and, you know, it might be nice to include someone else as well.
Yeah.
What are you up to today, Jemaine? Uh, I don't know.
Actually I'm really bored.
Come on, man, you got to get out of here.
I'm trying to get onto first base.
- I live here too.
- Yeah, but go into Dave's and make some cake or something.
- I don't like doing that.
- But I can't be tickling all night.
- I'm not even ticklish.
- Aren't you? - No, I'm faking it.
- Really? Yeah she's faking it as well, I think.
Oh that's not fair.
I'm really ticklish.
- Jemaine? - Oh, hi, Sally.
I thought it was you.
- You looking for something? - Uh, no.
I mean, yes.
Yes.
Mm.
Uh, oh, there they there they go there.
Hey, I, uh, saw your music video online.
"The year 2000, the year 2000.
" Well, that was you, right? Affirmative.
- You were robots.
- We were just dressed up as robots.
Yeah, but you were robots.
Yeah, just, you know, acting as robots No, yeah, no, I I know you weren't actually robots.
So, you got a boyfriend at the moment? Me? No.
You? Me? I don't have a boyfriend.
Or a girlfriend.
No, not me.
You can't tame the J-Dog.
- The J-Dog's just - What's the J-Dog? Uh, well, that's me, I'm the J-Dog.
Where is that from? Well, it's street language.
You know, you just take the first letter of your name and you put "Dog" on the end of it and all the other dogs sort of respect you.
Okay.
I thought it was from a kid's book or something.
No, the thing about the J-Dog is you can't put a leash on the J-Dog.
What? You don't ever want to settle down? Me? No.
Uh, do you? Oh yeah.
I do.
I really do.
Oh.
# Ah, yeah # # Girl, tonight we're gonna make love # # You know how I know? Because it's Wednesday # # And Wednesday night is the night that we usually make love # # Tuesday night is the night that we usually go to your mother's place # # And I teach her how to use the video machine again # # But Wednesday night # # Is the night that we're making love # # It's when everything is just right # # You're not too tired from your afterwork social netball team practice # # There's nothing good on TV # # Mm, conditions are perfect # # For making love # # You turn to me and say something sexy like # # "I might go to bed, I have to work in the morning" # # I know what you're trying to say, baby # # You're trying to say "Ah, yeah # # It's business time" # # It's business # # It's business time # # I know what you're trying to say # # You're trying to say it's time for business # # It's business time, ooh # # It's business # # It's business time # # Oh oh oh, yeah # # Yeah, ooh # # The next thing you know we're in the bathroom brushing our teeth # # That's all part of it, that's foreplay # # Foreplay is very important # # In lovemaking # # Then you go sort out the recycling # # Which isn't part of the foreplay # # But it's still very important # # The next thing you know we're in the bedroom # # You're wearing that same old ugly baggy T-shirt # # With the stain on it that you got # # From that team-building exercise # # You did for your old work several years ago # # Team Building Exercise '99 # # I take off my clothes, but I trip over my jeans # # Because I'm still wearing my shoes # # But it's okay because I turn it all into a sexy dance # # The next thing you know, I'm wearing absolutely nothing # # Except for my socks # # And you know when I'm down to just my socks # # What time it is # # It's business time # # It's business # # It's business time # # You know when I'm down to my socks # # It's time for business # # That's why they're called business socks, ooh # # It's business # # It's business time # # Oh oh oh, yeah # # Yeah, ooh # # Making love # # Making love for # # I'm making love for two # # I'm making love for two minutes # # When it's with me, you only need two minutes, girl # # Because I'm so intense # # Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven # # Mmm # # You turn to me and say something sexy like # # "Is that it?!" # # I know what you're trying to say, girl # # You're trying to say "Ah, yeah, that's it" # # Then you tell me you want some more # # Well, uh, I'm not surprised # # But I am quite sleepy # # Mmm # # It's business # # It's business time # # Business hours are over # # Baby # # It's business # # It's business time.
# - Jemaine, Jemaine! - Hmm, what? - I'm going home.
- Oh I'll walk with you.
Well, here's the doghouse.
Thanks for walking me home, Sally.
Um, should I come up for a cup of coffee? What are you are you serious? Oh, in my up there? Yeah.
I mean, obviously if you're busy No, I'm not busy at all, I Wait, you're not still living with Bret, are you? Maybe.
Yes.
Actually, definitely yes.
And if we go up there he'll be, oh I can't believe you're still living with Bret.
Jemaine, you gotta get your own place.
You need your own space.
We could go back to the launderette, maybe? - Yeah, I don't think so.
I gotta go - No? Call me when you get your own place, Jemaine.
Bret, I'm moving out.
I've decided I need my own space.
It's time to take life a little more seriously, you know? It's time for me to look each day in the eye and say "Hey, Jemaine you're you're doing this for you.
" - What's that, man? - Oh didn't you hear that? What did you say? I wasn't listening.
Oh, I'm moving out.
Why are you moving out? Is it something I've done? - No.
- Was it because of the towel? - What towel? - Because I used your towel and I got athlete's foot.
- Do you? - It's not that? No.
Well no.
Is it my mold farm? - No.
- Are you sick of my mold farm? - No.
- Is it aspergillus fumigatus? - No.
- You sure? Yeah it's fine.
Was it something from a while ago? - No it's just - When we were at school and you said you got a hickey from Judy Bailey, I told everyone it was the vacuum cleaner.
- No, that's not it - Is that it? - No, it's not that.
- But you did.
- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.
Was a perfectly round hickey.
She had a perfectly round mouth anyways It's not exactly the same size as a vacuum cleaner tube It's not that, it's not that.
Is it because I drank all the orange juice? - No.
- Because I drank all the apple juice? - No.
- Was it something psychological? Because I put you down in front of other people? He wouldn't know, because he's got no idea.
Why you moving out, Jemaine? Is it because I didn't fix that leak? - No.
- Is it because I left the wires out - and you shocked yourself? - No.
Is it because the new paint job's a little brown, too nouveau riche? - A little too recherché? - No.
Is it because sometimes I'll sneak in when you're sleeping and give you a little kiss on the cheek? No.
Here we are.
Is it because I ask too many questions? No.
- Was it something subtle? - Yes it's subtle, Bret.
- Is it because I eat too loudly? - Yes.
- It is? - Yeah.
- I knew it.
- I didn't wanna say, but there it is.
- You eat too loudly.
It's deafening.
- It's not that loud.
- It's so deafening.
- Well, I eat with my mouth shut.
I don't know how you do it.
Jemaine.
- Present.
- Bret! - Yeah.
- And Murray.
Yes, present, thank you.
I'm always here anyway.
I don't know why I bothered with my line.
All right, first on the agenda: Band investment portfolio.
- What's that? - Our retirement fund, Jemaine.
Over the last few months I've been creaming a bit off of the top of the band income and investing it.
- Well, that sounds good.
- Yeah.
Well, it sounds good, but it is good.
All right, I've done the research and everyone thinks property is the way to go.
So I'm proud to announce that as of this morning we're the official owners of three stars intergalactic real estate.
All right, so there's mine, Murray.
Bret, yours is up here.
And Jemaine, you're on the other side of the nebula there.
But that's as close as we could get the three that were available, but Who took that photo? That's the real estate people take that.
Right.
How much do they cost? Well, that's the best part.
Only $50 a star and that includes a certificate.
Here we go.
Planet Bret for you.
- I hope that's all right.
- That's good, that's great.
And Jemaine, Planet Jemaine.
And mine's Murrayland.
I thought that had a ring to it.
Planet Murray was already taken.
I like it Murrayland.
- Welcome to Murrayland.
- This is a waste of money.
No it's not, Jemaine.
What are you talking about? In 10 years' time we'll be able to move up there.
And besides, I was thinking two words, guys: Natural resources.
Like coal, think about it.
Imagine a planet full of coal.
You get up there, oh my God, it's coal everywhere.
Imagine how much that would be worth.
I don't know.
It be worth a lot, wouldn't it? A real lot.
What about a planet of, um, diamonds and rubies? No.
Well, it would be nice.
A lot of things would be nice, Bret, particularly if they were real.
Do we have any gigs, Murray? Uh, yes, I've got an answer for that.
No.
I was going to wait until you move into your new apartment.
- Who told you? - Why are you moving out? Is it because I keep coming around when I'm sad? - Is it because I always - Oh, we've been through this, Murray.
- It's because I eat too loud.
- Really? You eat too loud, Bret? Well, I didn't notice.
Here, eat this.
Oh yeah.
Whoa.
Who's eating? Greg, did you hear that? - Welcome back, Mr.
Clemaine.
- Thank you, Sebastian.
John.
So this is my new place.
This is fancy, man.
Ah, yeah, it is quite fancy, but it's cheaper than the other place actually.
Flippin' hell.
- Oh hey, guys.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? I was walking my dog.
Look, is this your new place, Jemaine? It's crazy.
I was just walking past here.
That's so weird.
I didn't even know you'd moved.
- How could I know? - Yeah, where's your dog? Wow, this place is classy.
Is that a guard? He looks like he could really mess someone up.
Is there always someone at the door, 24/7? Why? Oh, nothing.
Just making conversation.
Oh hi, guys! Sorry I'm late.
I was up all night looking at stars trying to find ours.
They all look the same.
Really a waste of time.
Hey, Mel, hey, has Jemaine told you about the housewarming party on Sunday night? - You should come along.
- Oh, I'd love to come.
Thank you.
Hey, Jemaine, where do I park? - Can you park around here? - I don't know, I don't have a car.
I can't get any more tickets, mate, I'll go to jail.
I don't know.
I'll just leave it here.
You're not taking any of the weight, Murray.
- Yes, it's all here.
- You are not.
- Is this it? - Mm-hmm.
- No number on the door.
- Don't need one.
This is it.
What do you think? It's not a room, it's a cupboard.
- It's not a cupboard.
- It's a cleaning cupboard.
It's not a cleaning cupboard.
Is it what's is that cleaning products? Yeah, I don't know what they're doing here.
Well, it must have at one stage been a cleaning cupboard.
It's not a cleaning cupboard.
It's an apartment.
It's my studio apartment.
More like a compartment.
- Hmm? - A compartment.
Not an apartment - Is that a joke? - Yeah.
That's pretty good.
- You did get it, eh? - Yeah that's a good one.
- Because it's small.
- You can't have a party in here, man.
Yeah, I can.
I'll just put some lights up and have some music.
Where's the bathroom? Listen, guys, I I've got to go.
Where? Out, nowhere.
No, out.
You're going nowhere? I'm going on a date.
Oh, okay.
Bachelor life now, eh? Watch out, ladies.
- Who with? - No one.
No one.
That's not a date.
That's just going out.
I do that all the time.
Do do you want to go for a walk? - It's Sally, isn't it? - No.
Oh, Jemaine! No, not her again.
Bret went out with her.
She broke your heart and yours as well.
Anyway, I thought you said Sally was shallow.
- Oh, she's not shallow.
- She is shallow.
But she's really hot.
She's the hottest girl I've ever touched.
Ever seen.
Well, she was the hottest girl I'd ever seen, but then I touched her.
She's not shallow once you get to know her.
- Do you like butter? - Butter, yes.
- I don't.
- No.
- I don't really like yellow things.
- No, me neither.
Hey, is that Bret? No, I don't think so.
Well, he's waving at us.
It looks like him, but I don't think it's him.
Jemaine, Sally! - No, that's not him.
- It's me, Bret.
- Maybe it is him.
- He's coming over here.
- Is he? - It's definitely him.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Bret.
Yeah, it is him.
You're right.
- Hey, Bret.
- Fancy seeing you here.
Yeah, what an amazing coincidence.
- Who are you here with? - Oh, that's just Coco.
- It's his long-term girlfriend.
- Yeah, just a friend.
Well, why don't you guys join us? - There's no room, though.
- Thank you.
Do you want to get Coco? - Sorry? - Coco, your girlfriend you want to get her? Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
Hey, Coco, do you want to sit over here? Well, this has been a really great evening, but I gotta go.
I got yoga in the morning.
Hey, um, Sally, on Saturday I'm going to have a great party at my place, my new, uh, pad where I live by myself.
It's going to be a lot of people, a DJ.
- Next Saturday? - Mm.
Well she can't go.
It's her birthday, the 14th.
- I think, maybe.
- Yeah, no, that's right.
Anyway, I'm having this thing, - it's a shame you guys can't come.
- Oh, I can come no matter what.
- No, you you gotta be my DJ.
- Well, yeah There's only going to be five people if you don't come.
Well, it was really nice meeting you, Coco.
It was really nice to meet you too.
Hopefully see you soon.
- Sally, I'll walk you home.
- Oh, no no.
It's okay, I'm tired.
Stay.
You don't want to see my new place? I'm really tired.
Maybe some other time.
Sally is nice.
# If it's a Chinese junk or Roman galley # # I'll find my way to you, Sally # # Happy birthday, Sally.
# - That's beautiful.
- That's a sure thing, bro.
What's a Chinese junk? Oh, it's a kind of ship.
Oh yeah, sure.
Women love that kind of sensitive nautical shit.
- Really? - Yeah.
Haven't you ever seen "Watership Down"? - No.
- Well, me neither, but women love that film.
I was just going to give her this card that I made.
Whoa.
Holy shit, did you make that? - Yeah.
- Well that's beautiful.
- She's going to love that.
- I don't know.
Oh yeah, she is.
It's just a bit of paper and five hours' work.
No, that is super sensitive.
I mean, that reminds me of when I saw a puppy being born.
I mean, just to see its little head just coming out of that dog's pussy.
What an incredible moment, man beautiful.
Come in.
Hey, man.
Bret, come on, let's go.
Yeah, just a minute.
I'm trying to get the eye color right.
Do you think that looks like Sally's eyes? I don't know, Bret.
I don't think about her as much as you do.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, forget I asked.
How did you get all seven verses on that tiny little pebble? Well, it took ages.
Oh, it's good.
- That's good.
It's exquisite.
- Yeah.
Is that what you're gonna give to Sally for her birthday? Yeah.
What are you going to give her? - That glass butterfly.
- Oh yeah.
That's good.
I think they're about even.
Yeah.
You're coming to my party, aren't you? - Yeah yeah.
- How you going to get that to her? I'm just going to post her this.
Oh, where's it gone? Oh Having a good time, Greg? Hey, Murray, glad you made it.
Hey, get off my pillow.
You're on my pillow.
Oh, sorry.
There's something I want to talk to you about, actually, Jemaine.
Um, it's not good news.
Planet Jemaine supernova'd.
Yeah, there's nothing left of it apparently.
Just a huge gaseous cloud and the beginnings of a black hole.
When did this happen? Uh, about four million years ago.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Well, that was a waste of 50 bucks.
Thanks, Murray.
- Hey, Coco.
- Hi.
- Hey, is Bret here? - No.
No.
Well he was supposed to DJ.
- I only got a cassette.
- L I don't know.
He he said I saw him this afternoon on his way to get his haircut.
He said he would meet me here.
Cassette to get his haircut? Yeah.
- The party's over.
- What? - The party's over, everyone.
- What are you doing, Jemaine? - The party's over.
- Greg's about to do his party trick.
This is the one that got him in "The East Village News.
" No, the party's over.
- Jemaine - Jemaine! I need to talk to you about Bret.
I know where he is.
I know where you're going and when you see him - Hey, Jemaine.
- Hey, Sally.
Hello, Bret.
Sorry your party was canceled.
Yeah, me too.
Nice haircut, Bret.
I made you this for your birthday.
Aw.
It's a butterfly.
I sat on it in the subway.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- But I also got you some glue.
- Oh.
- And that's that's multipurpose.
You can use use that around the house.
Well, thanks.
That's, um, really sweet.
Hey, did you see this amazing painting Bret made me? Painting? A painting? - Oh, yeah yeah.
- See, that's me, and that's some really weird kind of wolf.
Well, it's difficult to draw a wolf, so I used a picture of myself and then adjusted it.
It's kind of creepy, but it's pretty.
Oh, I'm just glad you like it.
Well, thanks, guys, for these amazing gifts.
Oh, have you heard my news? What's happened? - Is it Mark's birthday as well? - No! I got engaged.
Mark and I are getting married.
- Who's Mark? - Mark, he was my boyfriend and then we broke up and now he's my fiancé.
He bought me a BMW.
Mark, come here and meet these friends of mine.
- This is, uh, Bret and Jemaine.
- Hey, g'day, guys! He's Australian.
Go on and show them your abs.
- No - No, go show them.
- No, I'm no.
- Rock hard.
- Hey you guys want to see them? - Yes.
No, no thank you, Mark.
- No worries.
- He is so strong.
- Pick up Bret.
- No, I can't Just lift him up.
He's little, he's like a pixie.
Come on.
Brettie, aye, ohh yes! Isn't he strong? What's that? Oh, that's a broken butterfly.
This is my song! - Oh, baby.
- Come on, Mark, let's dance.
Let's go.
See you later, guys.
# Sally, I love you # # Sally, I love you # # Sally, I need you # # Sally, I need you too # # I need to be with you # # But I don't just love and need you # # I love and need and want you too # # I don't just love and need you # # I love and need and want you too too # # Yeah, well, I love, need and want you too too too # # There's too many of those # # It's just ridiculous # # Oh, you could be with me # # Oh, you could be with me # # If you wanted to be # - # If you wanted to be with me # - # Or me # # The only thing stopping you from being with me # # Is that you don't want to be with me # # It's the same with me, except with me # # But if you did I'd hold you tight # # Into every single night # # And we'd fall asleep together # # And we'd wake up in the sunlight # # Well, maybe I'm a dreamer # # But maybe one day you'll see that dreams are # - # Yeah yeah, she gets it Stop cockblocking me # - # Who knows what # - # Who who who # # Makes love stop or start? # # I can't help # # But think that now you're engaged # # We're drifting apart # # And who am I to say # # That love will last? # # It won't or it will # # But maybe Mark will be involved # # In an accident and you'll get # # A life insurance payment of half a mil # # It's not about the money # # But it could set us up financially # # If you came back to me # # Or me # # Sally # # I wrote you this song so I could tell you how much I love you # # Quite a lot, actually # # Um, even sometimes a little bit more # # Than my current girlfriend # # Sally, I co-wrote this song to tell you # # How much I love you # # It's quite a lot, actually # # Well, he's basically said just the same thing # # I think he's been looking over at my bit of paper # # Except for the girlfriend bit # # Ooh, I love you # # I love you you you # # Oh, and I need you # # I need you you you you you # # I need to be with you # # Ditto that # # Because you and me we were meant to be # # Bret's got a girlfriend # # Yeah, but Sally and me, we were meant to be # # Bret, you got a girlfriend # # Yeah, well, I'd break it off with her if I knew # # Sally wanted to be with me # # Well just so you know, Sally, unlike Bret # # I'm available immediately # # Sally, I love you.
# Hey, Jemaine, I was wondering if you'd think about moving back in together, because I'm having trouble paying rent.
I spent all my money on art supplies.
That's a good idea.
I haven't really been sleeping very well lately.
Oh, Coco told me to tell you you're dumped.
Oh oh, sorry, man.
What? I'm sorry, she she said that you're emotionally immature.
- What else did she say? - She said to say that you've been ignoring her and that you're clearly still in love with Sally, - which I agree with, actually - That's not true.
She said you'd say that and she said to say it is true and you know it.
- Oh, but, I mean - No buts, she said to say.
Well, did she say we could talk about it? - She said we are talking about it.
- Well, we're not though are we? Well, no.
I don't know what she meant by that.
Can we still stay in touch? She doesn't know.
She needs some time alone.
Well, I mean I mean, what else can I do? I mean, I'm I'm sorry.
It's too late.
It's over, you bastard.
What, did she call me a bastard? Uh, no sorry, I added that bit.
- Oh, okay.
- I got carried away.
I might just give her a call about it and see what she says.
- What was that? - Well she told me to do that.
I was supposed to start with that actually, I'm sorry, I forgot.