Flowers (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episodes 1 and 2
1 'From a weird reverie of dark revelation, 'Mr Grubb woke up with a strange sensation.
'Slipping out through the crack at the back of the lair, 'trudging out through the muck and the thick misted air, 'where the collie wobblers warbled their sinister call 'and the dingle baggles scurried on jittery claws.
'His ghostly breath mixing in with the fog, 'he plonked himself down on a damp mossy log.
'But then in the sludge, just a few feet away, 'Mr Grubb saw a plant that was quite out of place.
'A single buttercup in a pile of faeces.
'Mr Grubb tore it up into a thousand pieces.
' Fuck's sake.
They held me down And snatched my bow They crushed my violin to bits And watched me groan But should the animals Collude and sing along I'll be at the back sat Singing wearily on Weak and confused Dee-lie, dee-lie, dee-lie-lie-lie Dee-lie, dee-lie Here we go.
Morning, hard-working boys! That's what I like to see.
- Brought us a nice brew, Mrs Flower? - Oh, cheeky! What makes you say that? - Yes, I have, you little sneaks.
- Thanks, Mrs Flower.
Nice.
- Morning, Deborah.
- Gosh, you're like a pack of wolves.
- Morning, Deborah.
Oh, morning, Barry.
Oh, Tommy, haven't you got big hands? You look radiant this morning.
Come on, young Ryan.
So handsome.
So she's got you building a wall now.
It doesn't seem necessary to me, personally, - but what Mrs Beckett wants, Mrs Beckett gets.
- Why has she got you to start it right here, right next to our garden? We don't make the decisions.
We just do as she says.
- Dredge the pond, kill the chickens - OK, well, nice to see you, boys.
Bye-bye! - Lovely cakes, Mrs Flower.
- Oh, filthy! I'll have to take out a restraining order.
See you later.
OW! Big pile of wood.
Oh, blood.
Are you all right, Deborah? - Way too morose.
- 'Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.
' I understand.
It is for kids, yes.
I'll lighten up chapter one and maybe the fart pigeons are better than the collie wobblers, yeah.
- 'How's Shun?' - Shun has been getting on with the illustrations and, as I say, obviously, I do have a plot.
It's just when you suddenly say, "Can you tell me what it is?" - 'I need to see something by next week.
' - Next week? Not a problem.
- 'OK.
' - OK.
- 'Bye.
' - Yep, thanks for your help.
Bye.
- 'Bye.
' - Mr Flowers.
- Oh, thank you, Shun.
- You don't have to bow.
- Miso soup.
Me so grateful.
Very good.
Very powerful.
Yes, idea for comic book.
- Tarantula Woman.
- Tarantula Woman.
- Mr Gay.
- Mr Gay.
And that's his erection? Yes, of course.
Mr Gay is always have erection.
His weakness, actually.
Very sensitive.
Tarantula Woman is try have sex with a lot of gay guy.
Mr Gay protect.
"Go away, Tarantula Woman! "Have sex with hetero guy! Gay power!" - Morning! - Mrs Flowers.
Ohayou gozaimasu.
Hello, Shun.
Yes, exactly.
- Mrs Flowers, your leg! Please.
- Oh, don't worry.
Can I have a word? Yeah.
Probably she takes magic potion for make fantastic face.
So beautiful.
Thank you, Shun.
Don't worry about that.
No problem.
Legs so big, Mrs Flowers.
Strong! Very big leg.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
Actually, do you mind? - No problem.
- No, do you mind, as in, erm, leaving? - All finished.
I will make food for anniversary.
Very delicious, very clever.
- Good luck.
See you in a mo.
- Thank you.
Yes, in a mo, that's right.
- His English is coming on, isn't it? - Yeah.
Let's go.
Anniversary party! It's lovely that you two are such good friends.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, yes, happy anniversary to you, too! That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.
Oh, I assume we won't be going ahead with the party - now that no-one's coming? - Actually, I was thinking, and it's no big deal, obviously, but there are some people we haven't asked yet.
- The Becketts, for example.
- The Becketts are racists.
Or Martin, then.
Or that man Bill who used to come round.
Erm, Bill.
The postman? - Yes, he was the postman, wasn't he? You're right.
- I think so, yeah.
I just thought we should try to I mean, for the twins or for your mother's sake.
My mother thinks that everyone is a plumber called James.
You're saying you'd prefer not to bother? No, I'm just saying that it might be overall less stressful if we didn't invite some racists and a postman to our house.
- So you'd prefer not to? - I'm not saying that.
We've done such a good job with the twins, haven't we? It's a good sign that they still want to live at home, even though they're 25.
- I mean, we're good parents, aren't we? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
I for one am very happy with our sexual freedom that we both have and I mean, I'm really making the most of it.
Seriously phwoar! You know? We don't want to be too happy.
We're not mad.
But, erm you know, on the other hand, erm also you can't have too much of a good thing, by which I mean joy.
Do you want me to see - who else is around who we missed out? - Thank you, Maurice.
And I know we don't usually, but I thought, for a change Sorry.
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you? Yeah, sorry.
- I thought so - No, don't apologise.
- Yes, thank you for the present.
- Oh, I see! Right.
- It's very thoughtful.
- Should I? - No, don't bother.
Throw it away, it's rubbish.
- Ah! And a free DVD.
I thought you'd find it funny because of his his tie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hope you didn't get me anything.
Erm no.
I didn't want to Of course I got you something.
I got you - Oh, Maurice, you didn't have to! - I got you this.
Oh, goodness! For me? - Yeah.
- Did you get Shun to? - Yeah, I commissioned Shun to to do it.
I like how her breasts and his, erm Yeah.
Erm I thought you'd I thought you might enjoy the the penis.
Yeah.
Wow.
And it just goes to show what an exciting place we're at, that we can get each other such challenging gifts.
- That's right.
- And it shows how open-minded we are about sex - Art.
That's what I mean, art.
Goodness, that'll be Hugo.
- He's been quite peculiar since the divorce.
- Mrs Flowers! - Trombonist is here.
- Yes, thank you, Shun.
Coming.
- You not like? - Oh, no, I do like.
I love it.
And I love you, Shun.
Do I? Yes, why not? - I love you, obviously.
- I make cookie.
- Hello, Hugo.
How are we? - I don't want to play trombone, I'm sad.
Oh, dear.
Well, let's try some sight-reading, shall we? - See if we can cheer you up a bit.
- Sorry, Deborah.
- Oh, no, don't worry.
He's probably just upset about your divorce.
Thanks.
Abigail.
Abigail.
Abigail.
Abigail.
ABIGAIL! Hi, Donald.
- What are you doing? - Going for a run.
Cool.
Yeah, nice one.
I'm just tweaking the design of a new invention, then I'm heading into town to buy shit-loads of cheese.
We're having a party later, if you want to come? Parents' anniversary.
Funny coincidence, us bumping into each other here, don't you think? - That's the third time this week.
- What do you think it means? (Destiny.
) Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk - Oh! Donald! High-five, we are friends! - Get away from me! You should try making a real coffee.
Use my uber-caff.
Eight times the strength of a normal coffee, half the beans.
Mm! Yeah! - Gourmet.
- Very good, Donald.
- Mr Flowers.
- Ah, creamy.
- I'll have one of those in a sec.
- You should try my uber-caff, Dad.
Sent the design off a few months ago, just waiting to hear back.
No, thanks, Donald.
I'm just going to have a normal coffee, if that's all right? Ahh! Hmm.
Oh, what's this? - It's my fromage fumigating fondue machine.
- Oh.
Very good.
A little bit big for the table.
If you could move it.
Why is the tree broken? Probably Amy climbing up it or something.
"Oh, look at me, I'm in a tree, I'm so weird.
" Yeah, well, guess what? You're also fat because the tree's broken! - Can you check she's had her breakfast? - Why? - Because sometimes she forgets.
- Fucking nepotism.
- That doesn't make sense, Donald.
- Well, good.
She doesn't make sense.
Bloody hell! Nana! Morning.
James.
How are the pipes? Fine, thank you.
Is that the dulcet tones of Martin Webster? It isn't? Oh.
Sorry.
Banana.
(Abigail.
) (Abigail.
) What are you doing? - Go away! - What's that? - Nothing.
Go away! Godiva! It's not going to work this time, I'm afraid.
I'm ready for it.
I'll punch it in the beak.
Right, I'm telling Mum and Dad! It's not appropriate for you to have a medieval What the fuck are you doing?! You don't shoot family! Everyone knows that! This room is a disgrace.
Here, look.
Use my mobile vacuum cleaner.
No-one likes a squalid woman.
Just taped a Dustbuster to a toy car.
Yeah, well, it's better than anything you could make! Why aren't you a millionaire yet, then? Why haven't you had your exorcism yet, then? Freak! Nana Grub skulked through the sludge and the dirt, the solitary witness of Mr Grub's hurt.
She gathered the petals and hid them from sight, the buttercup fragments of Mr Grub's plight.
So Billy and Bella and dear Mrs Grub would not know his madness, but only his love.
- Hey, Nana.
- James.
Come on, Hugo.
Let's get out of the toilet and do a few scales before Mummy gets back.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
No-one's free.
No, really? What are they all doing? Well, various things, obviously.
Well, what are they variously doing? Do you want me to list all the things they're doing? - Well, tell me one of them, at least.
- Martin's in a coma.
Right.
- So - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Well, let's just do it anyway.
- Have a party without any guests? Well, I I could ask George, couldn't I? And Abigail.
- He's very funny.
- Is he? He's hilarious.
And very handsome.
Yes, well, I suppose he is, yeah.
And I could ask the lovely builders? They're not even our builders, so that's going to be a bit sinister, isn't it? Well, it's all about having fun, Maurice.
We need to have fun.
It bleeds into the psyche.
I mean, look! Emotional stress and confusion and divorce! The rate he's going, he's going to turn out a murderer or a solicitor! So are we doing all this for Hugo? No, we're not, we're doing it for us.
I'm just I'm using Hugo as an example of how parents can fuck up their children.
- Finished.
- Hello! Hugo, we were That is very naughty, but also I hope you're all right.
Just remember, it's not your parents' fault.
- I mean, it's your fault.
- No, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault that your parents, erm Sorry.
That'll be Barbara.
Why don't you ask if Barbara and Hugo want to come tonight? - It might cheer her up a bit.
- OK.
- And you could ask George as well.
- No, you can ask him.
- No, you do it! Be careful, you don't want to lose me to him! Right.
Let's clear this up, shall we? Must have been a big poo! Looks like a clever machine, Donald.
Saying something that makes sense for once, Shun? It's a fumigating fondue machine.
A device I've created for smoking and melting cheese.
Fondue machines already exist.
Yes, but if you'd listened to the actual name of the invention instead of being a fat pedant ignoramus, you'd notice I called it a fumigating fondue machine.
Ie it smokes the cheese at the same time.
Why don't you just get smoked cheese? Let's see who's laughing when you're stuck here writing pointless, depressing music and I've bought myself a whole tropical island? Donald Island? That's right, Shun, and don't think you're coming.
You're banned.
We'll have our own island anyway, won't we, Shun? What shall we call it? Mm, I think maybe Donald Island.
Fucking moron! That's it, everyone, getting into the spirit of things.
So George and Abigail are coming and I'm going to ask the builders, too, - so it should be a lovely evening.
- What? - Why are George and Abigail coming? - Why's he coming? George and Abigail are coming because they're our neighbours - and Shun is coming because he is our - Slave.
- Japanese angel.
You like Abigail, don't you, Donald? She likes me, more like.
It's embarrassing.
She asked if she could come earlier, actually.
I was, "Play it cool, Abigail! Stop being so keen!" Well, you are quite a catch, I must say.
- Looks about 40.
- Well, you look dead, mate.
And some of those builder lads are quite handsome, Amy.
So, you know, no harm in making a bit of an effort.
Also, you could be friends with Abigail too, you know, - if you just lightened up a bit.
- Nah, she's too weird.
That's why she'll die a lonely spinster covered in moss while I'm living it up on Donald Island.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Hey, leave that alone! Hugo loves the Grubs books.
He thinks you're brilliant.
Nice for him to be around a more stable family.
It's a work in progress, you know? But we're We're getting there.
Come back here, you harlot witch! Donald, stop it! No, Shun! No judo! No! That's a valuable prototype! Donald? What the fuck is going on? She's a psychopath! Hello, boys.
What are you doing tonight? We're going to have a little party.
Abigail, your ass looks outstanding.
Ugh, shut up, Dad.
Hooray! Hello, Deborah.
- Steady on! - No, I can't control myself around you, Deborah.
The sexual tension is just unbearable.
Hi, Deborah.
Hi.
He's hilarious, your dad, isn't he? Donald's inside.
I was given a whole crate of this as a thank you for a new forehead.
Ooh, new forehead! Fancy.
Ooh, la-la.
That could be me and you.
Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious! It's a present, actually, from Maurice.
Cor, what are you cooking? That's just Donald's special cheese.
Smells like shit! - Ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha! So, everyone, this is George.
He's a plastic surgeon.
And his daughter, Abigail, who's training to be a very clever lawyer.
Abigail.
That's her real face.
I haven't touched it.
Maurice, how are you? Yep.
It's a bit quiet, isn't it? Shall I get some music? Oh, I can go and get some of my tapes, if you like.
Oh, no, Barry.
We don't want more jazz.
Perhaps Amy could play something.
Dad! Could be nice.
OK, something lively, maybe.
Don't know about everybody else, but I'm in the mood for a bloody boogie.
Boring! Play some reggae, for heaven's sake! This is a sushi made of beef.
Ah, not now.
Thank you, Shun.
We're just drinking.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
You ever had smoked cheese before? No.
No? I put a bit of gin in there.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Let's get rid of this.
Shall we, Debs? Ooh! Maurice, do you want to get your mother down? She loves a party.
- Deborah's a lovely lady, isn't she? - Yes.
Such kind eyes.
Think she's the only person who can make a cup of tea the way my Audrey used to.
My wife passed away a couple of years ago, you see, so I'm on me own now and .
.
I wore this to her funeral.
Have you seen Hugo? Oh, wandered off, has he? I'll go and have a look.
Oh, OK.
Thanks, Maurice.
She's amazing, isn't she? She had very bad acne as a child.
As a child? She basically went through puberty at about seven.
Who's taller now? Hugo? Christ Is it a hangman's rope? No, er She's just having a nap.
And that is Well, erm That's a snake, actually.
It doesn't look like a snake.
It's a magic snake.
It's a secret family snake.
Nice family.
Yes.
Good father.
I just got divorced.
Had a fight about which washing machine to get, the 7kg load or the 9kg, and then we realised we hated each other.
And that he was sleeping with my dentist.
As a medical professional, I just find you fascinating.
I mean, - I almost want to take a mould just to mount on my wall.
- Ha-ha! Goodness! Stop it, George! - Making me feel like one of those glamour models.
- Excuse me.
Whoo! Cheer up, Barry.
So serious.
You don't seem to be showing this lady much respect, sir.
The magic snake is very special.
It means that you're very lucky, but you must never tell anyone you've seen it.
Or .
.
you will be cursed.
And terrible things will happen.
Worse than divorce? Much worse.
But if you keep it a secret, a wish will come true.
Will my daddy come back? Yes.
Yes, he will, but only if you keep it a secret.
Now, off you go, and remember -- - secret snake.
- OK.
Mr Flowers loves children.
Hugo is the perfect size for him.
- Oh, he's quite small, isn't he? - He make him laugh.
Oh, there you are.
I want to go home.
She is breathing It just sounds a bit strange.
This lady is beautiful and kind, intelligent - And probably very naughty in bed.
- Stop it! Maybe you should think twice before talking like that.
Yes, maybe you should think twice before eating so many cakes, you fat shit.
Goodness, George! All this testosterone flying around, I might get pregnant! Fucking boring, mate! Come on, then.
Does anyone remember the happy song? If I play it, you can sing it.
Nobody can be cross with the happy song playing.
Fucking hell! Ow Ow Ow I think my mother's about to die.
Hugo! Hugo, it's bedtime.
What are you drawing? - Let me see.
- No, it's a secret.
Let me just have a look, please.
Well done.
I'm cursed.
You're cursed.
We are both cursed.
- Do you want me to come with you? - Where's Shun? - What? It doesn't matter, I think he's got my toothbrush.
I'll see you there.
OK, I'll be right behind you! - Mum, I can't drive! - Just back it out! Argh! - Oi, don't throw it out! - Argh! - George what are you doing? - It keeps the skin sterile.
I'm like a big packed lunch.
- Come on, Barry, we need to go.
- Such hot cheese! - Toothbrush, pyjama.
- See what I can do about the stench.
- Shun, you stay here and tidy up, please! - Hello? - Come on, cheese man.
- Hi, Barbara.
Well, actually, they're going to the hospital right now.
- I think I've fucked the clutch.
- Oh, thank you.
- And the accelerator.
Hey, Donald, put the kettle down! I was just going to make a flask of tea for everyone - if we were still getting ready.
- Are you eating?! - I need energy.
- Deborah, it's Barbara.
- Fucking Barbara again! - She says it's urgent.
It's not as urgent as this, is it? - No, Shun, get out! I'm driving.
- Come on! Nanna Grubb loved the damn diary of dreams To the edge of the crack where the swamp water steamed Such odious prose, such horrible sadness Such terrible proof of Mr Grubb's madness She clenched her claws round the cursed journal And hurled it down to the pit infernal That Mr Grubb's sorrow and fear and pain Would never be heard of or witnessed again Then a quick gust of wind caught the hem of her dress And tossed the dear fossil straight over the edge.
The pages came free, one by one, all in sequence And fluttered about, like a flock of mad secrets.
- No! - Turn around, please! Turn around.
- No! I don't want to! I can't just leave you here, can I? Well, Daddy's never coming back, you piece of shit! Hugo, you come back here! Come back here now! What's happened to you? - So, you didn't notice anything unusual? - Is there something wrong? It just seems like it was quite a hefty impact.
Yeah, that's probably because of the chair.
Sorry, I forgot to say.
What chair? Just there was a chair on the floor, so it's probably the height that she fell from, which explains the nature of the injury to her skull.
What was she doing on a chair? Maybe looking at an interesting pattern in the ceiling or perhaps a spider.
Was she putting something in her hatch? Might have been hoarding another crow.
Or she could have been getting something out of it.
- It's a sort of cupboard.
- What would she want from a cupboard? Well, I'm guessing, a quilt or a plate or something.
Why would she need a plate? Just to look at it, you know.
Take it out, put it back in again recreationally.
- Your nose is bleeding.
- Is it? Hm.
- Strange.
- She had dementia as well.
So - Exactly, good point, Amy.
That's why she was up there, cos she was as mad as a hoop.
She had IBS too.
- Yeah, perhaps not relevant.
- It's not relevant.
Yeah, nice one, Donald, really helpful.
We have a few more tests to run, but it is quite a severe haemorrhage.
So, just to give you some warning, the prognosis is looking pretty poor.
Are you saying that to make it sound worse than it is, - so that we don't? - No, I'm not doing that, no.
OK, so, for insurance purposes - That's not what I'm doing.
- She's not doing that, no.
Right, so, what is it 50/50? - It's not 50/50, no.
- So - It's very close to zero.
- Right.
Sorry, I just realised something, do you write the Grubbs books? - Er yeah.
- Oh! - I do.
My daughter loves The Acorn Conundrum.
Ah, well, yeah, that's a fun one.
- You're taller than I thought you would be.
- Yes, I am, yeah.
Sorry, is that all, Doctor? Because my mother-in-law is dying, if you remember.
Sorry, yes, I'm sorry.
Might be an idea for some of you to go home and get some rest.
Perhaps pop in first thing in the morning.
No, thank you.
We'll all be staying here with Nanna, thank you.
- That's completely up to you.
- Yes, it is up to us, yes.
And that's what we're saying we will do.
- It's absolutely fine.
- Yes, thanks, you said that.
- I'll see you shortly.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, is she going to die soon? Quite soon, yes.
Have I got time to get a coffee? Yes, let's go.
Ha! Oh, what's going on? Hello? - Ah, Maurice! - Yes? - What's going on? - Uh, I'm just drinking a coffee.
- You all right? - Yeah, why? Well, you're forgetting about chairs, your nose is bleeding and you're a ridiculously big cup of coffee in the middle of the night.
Well, I'm drinking it BECAUSE it's the middle of the night.
To be honest, I don't know why it's so big either, - but that's not my fault.
- We should have a family meeting.
- About what? - I don't know, that's why we should have a meeting.
You want to have a meeting to decide what to have a meeting about? Of course I don't.
Why do you always have to twist everything I say? I'm just going to check on Shun.
Yes, you go and do that for a change.
Go and talk to the one person who can't actually speak English.
And enjoy your reservoir of coffee! - Shun! - So strange, Mr Flowers, put nearly £100 in here, - still not working.
- Yep.
That's because it's broken, Shun.
Probably, yeah.
- How is Grandmother? - Yeah, she's not good, I'm afraid.
- Oh, dear.
Look, I need you to do something for me.
- I need you to hide something for me.
- OK.
- It's a kind of a lasso.
Do you know what that is? - Yes, mango juice.
No, that's not You're thinking of a lassi, a sort of yoghurt-y - Yes, very delicious.
- Yeah, yeah, it's not that.
This is a noose.
- Ah, chocolate mousse? Delicious.
- No, no, it's not delicious.
- Not mango juice either? - No, back to square one.
- Ah, yes, square one! - It's a rope.
It's a hangman's rope.
- I hate you! - Shh! - What's happening? - Quick.
- 'Why are we hiding? - 'I'll tell you later.
'Is it wasp? Did you see a wasp?' Old Nanna, we thought you'd live forever.
How wrong we were.
I wish there was something I could invent to save you, but there's no time.
- Why are you staring at me? - I'm not.
- What's the matter? - She's fucking staring at me.
- Amy? Amy.
Amy! Mum, please, don't start doing the thing where you just say my name over and over again in slightly different ways, because it doesn't help.
- I'm so sad about Nanna.
- Oh, there.
Sh-shh.
Just flop your tit in his mouth and be done with it.
- Oh, Amy! - Stop saying my name! OK, where shall I hide suicide weapon? Bathroom cupboard? Why would you hide it in the bathroom cupboard? I think nobody will check bathroom cupboard.
- Just nail clipper and vagina cream.
- No, just get rid of it completely.
Mr Flowers, such enormous shame.
- Are you OK? Tell me truth.
- Yes.
Well, no.
I suppose what I'm saying is, I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
I will make you very happy straightaway.
Little joke.
- Oh, no.
- Yes, humour.
Erm English joke, let me think.
- Knock, knock - Who's there? - Postman.
- Postman who? - I have your letter.
- What? - English joke makes you happy.
- It doesn't make sense.
Yes, you're happy? - Maurice, Chin! - Oh, yes.
- Ha! Hi, why are you here? We're here to support you, of course, didn't want to end the evening on such a dour note.
- We can go if it's inconvenient.
- Is Deborah around? Yes.
- I told you this was a stupid idea.
- Come on, I love hospitals.
Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.
- What are you doing here? - I don't know.
My dad's being really weird.
Sorry.
- Snot.
- Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah.
People die all the time, don't they? So it's literally fine.
Amy, is that you? Oh, shit.
- Can you just? - OK, why? - Sorry, it's just I'm coming in! - How are you doing? - OK, thanks.
- Do you want me to give you a hug? - No, I'm all right, thank you.
We must love each other.
Mum, can you just let me leave the toilet, please? Not until you let me give you a hug.
- Well, we're going to be here for ages then.
- I'm going to hug you.
- No, thanks.
- Come here.
- No.
- Just get off! - No, come on.
Why are you so strong?! Just let me hug you.
Aw! My sweet, little, sensitive squiggle.
You're just a sweet little squish, really, aren't you? - Is that better? - Yep.
English grandmother, never die.
There you are! Deborah, you grieving fox! - Everybody's here.
- Oh, hello again, George.
I brought you something to say sorry about, you know She's not dead yet, as I keep saying.
Well, in advance, and to apologise about the party.
I don't want you to think you can't recommend me clients just because of a little altercation.
I should've ignored the strange builder.
He was trying to cause trouble.
I just don't like seeing people be rude, that's all.
- Who's that? - That's Barry.
- Hello, Deborah.
I was just saying, actually, it might be best if everyone went home.
There's no need to be polite, Maurice.
We're happy to stay.
Shall we? Lighten the mood a bit.
I'm sure you could do with some.
Yes, why not? Shun, you could give Barry a lift home.
Or I could stay here with you.
Show my support as well.
Well, it's quite a small room.
I'm not sure how many of us are allowed.
- He won't be staying long either.
- Depends how strong this absinthe is! Or perhaps the simplest thing is just for people who aren't actually in our family to go home.
Well, there's no point standing around moping, is there? Not talking about anything.
- Maurice, un petit peu? - No, thanks.
- Maybe for Grandma, then.
- She can join in the party! - I love gallows humour.
- Barry, can you go home at least? - Oh, yeah, I understand.
- I'll I'll leave you in peace.
- Shun? Could you? Absolute pleasure.
No problem, Mr Flowers.
I'll be thinking of you, Deborah.
Everybody, hopefully grandmother survive.
Good luck! Shun, could I have a word? (Can you get rid of the noose?) Maurice, what are you doing? Just, er, giving Shun directions out of the hospital.
- Quite tricky.
- Why do you need to whisper directions? Lord, have mercy on this sweet lady, Harriet Flower.
Singer, dancer, abandoned spouse to magician and Lothario Felix Flower.
Let her survive by the power of your healing.
Or, if she does perish, let her be filled with joy in Heaven with a sound mind and lithe body like her daughter-in-law, Deborah.
And let her enjoy multiple fulfilling I have to take five, actually.
.
.
sexual relations with the most handsome angels.
Hi.
I was wondering if the Flower family have checked in.
This is a hospital, not a hotel.
No, sorry, I mean, just, erm, if they're here, actually.
Hugo, stop that, please! I'm so sorry.
You see, that's the thing about grief.
It's an incredibly sexual emotion.
- I'm just going to check on Maurice.
- Of course.
I'll look after Nana.
- Oh! Oh! Deborah.
- Oh, Barbara.
Now's not a good time.
- Is she OK? No, she's about to die, actually, so a bit of privacy would be Oh, gosh.
I'm so sorry.
It's just I really need to talk to you about Hugo.
Barbara, I don't care about your divorce.
It's not about that, actually, Deborah.
It's it's Maurice.
I don't really know how to say this, but Hugo's drawn a really worrying picture about something called - a magic snake.
- What?! And there's a man on it who looks exactly like Maurice.
Am I cursed? Maurice? He's right there.
Maurice! Come here this instant.
Hugo.
Barbara.
What are you doing? - Just getting a Clunk.
- Yeah, bit of sugar.
I'll get them.
I've been saving money for emergencies since I was three, so it's no problem.
- Abigail? Clunk? - Thanks.
Two Clunks and a Milky Finger, please.
I was crying loads earlier.
Just an emotional guy, I guess.
As well as resourceful.
Amy was just saying that you guys are thinking of moving out together.
I'm holding out for a strong wife, to be honest, Abigail.
In fact, I was thinking How would you feel about being my date to the funeral? You don't have dates at a funeral.
Donald! - You don't recognise me, do you? - Fat Matilda? Not fat any more, but yeah.
This is my beautiful neighbour, Abigail.
- Woo! Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Violin One.
- Hi, Matilda.
- Violin Two.
- Are you a clown now? What do you mean? Just kidding.
Yes, I am.
Obviously.
It's quite a scary look.
Oh, no, this is drink-driving.
- Oh.
- Went through the windscreen.
Stupid, really.
Long day of humiliating work, so What about you guys? - Come here often? - Our nan had a fall, actually.
Oh, that's not good.
So what are you up to? - Chatting up girls? - I'm his sister.
- Yeah, but you know what I mean? - Look I know you've always had a thing for me, but now is not the time to be trying it on.
- For one thing, my nan's about to die.
- Oh, right -- sorry.
I didn't realise it was like that.
Well, it is like that, Fat Matilda.
And also I have a really hot neighbour at the moment, so even if you are a little less fat, - you kind of have to get in line.
- OK.
Just thought I'd say hello, that's all.
- Shouldn't you be sorting your face out? - Yeah.
Bit of a wait.
Anyway, it was nice to see you.
Fuck off touching my shoulder.
Hope everything's all right with your nan.
Bye! Sorry about that.
- He's even got a beard.
- Yes, he has, hasn't he? It just looks so much like a penis.
Yeah.
No, I can see that it's it's pretty incriminating.
We're keen to help you get to the bottom of this.
Yeah, absolutely.
But children do have quite vivid imaginations.
- Why is he imagining that, though? - It's a good point.
As in, er, sorry.
I don't know.
You know what I mean.
- Maurice, can we have a quick word, please, in private? - Yeah.
Why is there a picture of you holding a cock and balls? - I don't know.
- Well, you better know, because that mother - is going to call the police.
- OK.
Before I tell you, I need you to promise to be calm.
How are you managing to make this about me? - I'm not the one in the fucking picture, am I? - OK, but just I have a feeling you're not going to like what I'm about to say.
- We should be in there saying goodbye to your mother.
- I know that.
- So hurry up, please.
- I panicked.
Mum was on the floor and Hugo was there and he was holding a thing, that I didn't want anyone to know about.
I want to know about it immediately.
- Well, OK, but first, can I just say? - No! Just tell me what's going on! It's a noose, basically.
- It's a noose.
That's how she died.
She was trying to - What? It's a prop my dad used to use in his magic act with Mum.
- Stupid trick.
- What are you talking about? I didn't want Hugo to be traumatised.
So I told him it was a magic snake because that's what my mum used to call it.
I'm sorry I didn't I didn't want you to be upset.
That's why I didn't tell you.
- Oh, this is awful.
- I know.
- That's why - She was trying to hang herself? Why would she do that? Ummm I don't know.
Oh, this is awful.
I feel sick.
This is awful and you were carrying this all on your own.
- Why didn't you just tell me? - I don't know.
And that's how she fell off the chair? Erm yeah.
- This is just awful.
- I know, it's really bad.
- Poor Nana.
She couldn't tell us how she was feeling cos she was mad.
Arrgh! Owwww! OK, Maurice, it's all right.
Don't get angry with yourself.
- It's not your fault.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Shit.
And thank you for telling me.
I understand why you didn't.
And it was very good of you to try and protect us and Nana, but we have to deal with these things together, OK? Between us.
I, erm, I didn't do anything Don't tell me she's just died while we've been talking to fucking Barbara! As Nana Grubb gasped her terminal breath Mr Grubb paled at the cause of her death He gathered her bones and felt his heart wilt Too weak to endure the sheer heat of his guilt.
Going to a funeral today, Audrey.
Reminded me of your funeral.
And I just wanted to let you know that I miss you every day, think about you constantly, especially in the bath.
But I I need your help now, Audrey, because oh, I know you always said I should just do what makes me happy, but the truth is .
.
I'm in love with another woman.
And she has a husband and a family.
I haven't really got anyone else to talk to.
I just wanted to be honest with you, I suppose, because I .
.
I don't know what to do.
Anyway, I've brought you some more cheese on toast.
There.
And a little And dah-dah! Your favourite.
There you are, pickle.
Digging up noose.
My gosh! Mrs Flower's gone completely mad.
I know I just need a bit of time to work out how to play this.
I think too late if after funeral, Mr Flowers.
It might be too late already.
- What are you doing? - Give you power.
Have you found it? Well done.
Are you ready, then? Now, what we're about to tell you may seem like an awful, awful thing and in almost every sense, it is, erm But what we want you to understand is that we can learn from this, and we can try to make this the happy household that it should be from now on.
So today, we're going to be all smiles and I'm going to make a particular effort, because I feel like it's it's more my fault than anybody else's.
Maurice? So Dad? Liar, liar, pants on fire.
'Slipping out through the crack at the back of the lair, 'trudging out through the muck and the thick misted air, 'where the collie wobblers warbled their sinister call 'and the dingle baggles scurried on jittery claws.
'His ghostly breath mixing in with the fog, 'he plonked himself down on a damp mossy log.
'But then in the sludge, just a few feet away, 'Mr Grubb saw a plant that was quite out of place.
'A single buttercup in a pile of faeces.
'Mr Grubb tore it up into a thousand pieces.
' Fuck's sake.
They held me down And snatched my bow They crushed my violin to bits And watched me groan But should the animals Collude and sing along I'll be at the back sat Singing wearily on Weak and confused Dee-lie, dee-lie, dee-lie-lie-lie Dee-lie, dee-lie Here we go.
Morning, hard-working boys! That's what I like to see.
- Brought us a nice brew, Mrs Flower? - Oh, cheeky! What makes you say that? - Yes, I have, you little sneaks.
- Thanks, Mrs Flower.
Nice.
- Morning, Deborah.
- Gosh, you're like a pack of wolves.
- Morning, Deborah.
Oh, morning, Barry.
Oh, Tommy, haven't you got big hands? You look radiant this morning.
Come on, young Ryan.
So handsome.
So she's got you building a wall now.
It doesn't seem necessary to me, personally, - but what Mrs Beckett wants, Mrs Beckett gets.
- Why has she got you to start it right here, right next to our garden? We don't make the decisions.
We just do as she says.
- Dredge the pond, kill the chickens - OK, well, nice to see you, boys.
Bye-bye! - Lovely cakes, Mrs Flower.
- Oh, filthy! I'll have to take out a restraining order.
See you later.
OW! Big pile of wood.
Oh, blood.
Are you all right, Deborah? - Way too morose.
- 'Yeah, I mean, it's for kids.
' I understand.
It is for kids, yes.
I'll lighten up chapter one and maybe the fart pigeons are better than the collie wobblers, yeah.
- 'How's Shun?' - Shun has been getting on with the illustrations and, as I say, obviously, I do have a plot.
It's just when you suddenly say, "Can you tell me what it is?" - 'I need to see something by next week.
' - Next week? Not a problem.
- 'OK.
' - OK.
- 'Bye.
' - Yep, thanks for your help.
Bye.
- 'Bye.
' - Mr Flowers.
- Oh, thank you, Shun.
- You don't have to bow.
- Miso soup.
Me so grateful.
Very good.
Very powerful.
Yes, idea for comic book.
- Tarantula Woman.
- Tarantula Woman.
- Mr Gay.
- Mr Gay.
And that's his erection? Yes, of course.
Mr Gay is always have erection.
His weakness, actually.
Very sensitive.
Tarantula Woman is try have sex with a lot of gay guy.
Mr Gay protect.
"Go away, Tarantula Woman! "Have sex with hetero guy! Gay power!" - Morning! - Mrs Flowers.
Ohayou gozaimasu.
Hello, Shun.
Yes, exactly.
- Mrs Flowers, your leg! Please.
- Oh, don't worry.
Can I have a word? Yeah.
Probably she takes magic potion for make fantastic face.
So beautiful.
Thank you, Shun.
Don't worry about that.
No problem.
Legs so big, Mrs Flowers.
Strong! Very big leg.
- Thank you.
Sorry.
Actually, do you mind? - No problem.
- No, do you mind, as in, erm, leaving? - All finished.
I will make food for anniversary.
Very delicious, very clever.
- Good luck.
See you in a mo.
- Thank you.
Yes, in a mo, that's right.
- His English is coming on, isn't it? - Yeah.
Let's go.
Anniversary party! It's lovely that you two are such good friends.
Happy anniversary.
Oh, yes, happy anniversary to you, too! That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.
Oh, I assume we won't be going ahead with the party - now that no-one's coming? - Actually, I was thinking, and it's no big deal, obviously, but there are some people we haven't asked yet.
- The Becketts, for example.
- The Becketts are racists.
Or Martin, then.
Or that man Bill who used to come round.
Erm, Bill.
The postman? - Yes, he was the postman, wasn't he? You're right.
- I think so, yeah.
I just thought we should try to I mean, for the twins or for your mother's sake.
My mother thinks that everyone is a plumber called James.
You're saying you'd prefer not to bother? No, I'm just saying that it might be overall less stressful if we didn't invite some racists and a postman to our house.
- So you'd prefer not to? - I'm not saying that.
We've done such a good job with the twins, haven't we? It's a good sign that they still want to live at home, even though they're 25.
- I mean, we're good parents, aren't we? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
I for one am very happy with our sexual freedom that we both have and I mean, I'm really making the most of it.
Seriously phwoar! You know? We don't want to be too happy.
We're not mad.
But, erm you know, on the other hand, erm also you can't have too much of a good thing, by which I mean joy.
Do you want me to see - who else is around who we missed out? - Thank you, Maurice.
And I know we don't usually, but I thought, for a change Sorry.
- No, thank you.
- No, thank you? Yeah, sorry.
- I thought so - No, don't apologise.
- Yes, thank you for the present.
- Oh, I see! Right.
- It's very thoughtful.
- Should I? - No, don't bother.
Throw it away, it's rubbish.
- Ah! And a free DVD.
I thought you'd find it funny because of his his tie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hope you didn't get me anything.
Erm no.
I didn't want to Of course I got you something.
I got you - Oh, Maurice, you didn't have to! - I got you this.
Oh, goodness! For me? - Yeah.
- Did you get Shun to? - Yeah, I commissioned Shun to to do it.
I like how her breasts and his, erm Yeah.
Erm I thought you'd I thought you might enjoy the the penis.
Yeah.
Wow.
And it just goes to show what an exciting place we're at, that we can get each other such challenging gifts.
- That's right.
- And it shows how open-minded we are about sex - Art.
That's what I mean, art.
Goodness, that'll be Hugo.
- He's been quite peculiar since the divorce.
- Mrs Flowers! - Trombonist is here.
- Yes, thank you, Shun.
Coming.
- You not like? - Oh, no, I do like.
I love it.
And I love you, Shun.
Do I? Yes, why not? - I love you, obviously.
- I make cookie.
- Hello, Hugo.
How are we? - I don't want to play trombone, I'm sad.
Oh, dear.
Well, let's try some sight-reading, shall we? - See if we can cheer you up a bit.
- Sorry, Deborah.
- Oh, no, don't worry.
He's probably just upset about your divorce.
Thanks.
Abigail.
Abigail.
Abigail.
Abigail.
ABIGAIL! Hi, Donald.
- What are you doing? - Going for a run.
Cool.
Yeah, nice one.
I'm just tweaking the design of a new invention, then I'm heading into town to buy shit-loads of cheese.
We're having a party later, if you want to come? Parents' anniversary.
Funny coincidence, us bumping into each other here, don't you think? - That's the third time this week.
- What do you think it means? (Destiny.
) Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk, milk - Oh! Donald! High-five, we are friends! - Get away from me! You should try making a real coffee.
Use my uber-caff.
Eight times the strength of a normal coffee, half the beans.
Mm! Yeah! - Gourmet.
- Very good, Donald.
- Mr Flowers.
- Ah, creamy.
- I'll have one of those in a sec.
- You should try my uber-caff, Dad.
Sent the design off a few months ago, just waiting to hear back.
No, thanks, Donald.
I'm just going to have a normal coffee, if that's all right? Ahh! Hmm.
Oh, what's this? - It's my fromage fumigating fondue machine.
- Oh.
Very good.
A little bit big for the table.
If you could move it.
Why is the tree broken? Probably Amy climbing up it or something.
"Oh, look at me, I'm in a tree, I'm so weird.
" Yeah, well, guess what? You're also fat because the tree's broken! - Can you check she's had her breakfast? - Why? - Because sometimes she forgets.
- Fucking nepotism.
- That doesn't make sense, Donald.
- Well, good.
She doesn't make sense.
Bloody hell! Nana! Morning.
James.
How are the pipes? Fine, thank you.
Is that the dulcet tones of Martin Webster? It isn't? Oh.
Sorry.
Banana.
(Abigail.
) (Abigail.
) What are you doing? - Go away! - What's that? - Nothing.
Go away! Godiva! It's not going to work this time, I'm afraid.
I'm ready for it.
I'll punch it in the beak.
Right, I'm telling Mum and Dad! It's not appropriate for you to have a medieval What the fuck are you doing?! You don't shoot family! Everyone knows that! This room is a disgrace.
Here, look.
Use my mobile vacuum cleaner.
No-one likes a squalid woman.
Just taped a Dustbuster to a toy car.
Yeah, well, it's better than anything you could make! Why aren't you a millionaire yet, then? Why haven't you had your exorcism yet, then? Freak! Nana Grub skulked through the sludge and the dirt, the solitary witness of Mr Grub's hurt.
She gathered the petals and hid them from sight, the buttercup fragments of Mr Grub's plight.
So Billy and Bella and dear Mrs Grub would not know his madness, but only his love.
- Hey, Nana.
- James.
Come on, Hugo.
Let's get out of the toilet and do a few scales before Mummy gets back.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
No-one's free.
No, really? What are they all doing? Well, various things, obviously.
Well, what are they variously doing? Do you want me to list all the things they're doing? - Well, tell me one of them, at least.
- Martin's in a coma.
Right.
- So - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Well, let's just do it anyway.
- Have a party without any guests? Well, I I could ask George, couldn't I? And Abigail.
- He's very funny.
- Is he? He's hilarious.
And very handsome.
Yes, well, I suppose he is, yeah.
And I could ask the lovely builders? They're not even our builders, so that's going to be a bit sinister, isn't it? Well, it's all about having fun, Maurice.
We need to have fun.
It bleeds into the psyche.
I mean, look! Emotional stress and confusion and divorce! The rate he's going, he's going to turn out a murderer or a solicitor! So are we doing all this for Hugo? No, we're not, we're doing it for us.
I'm just I'm using Hugo as an example of how parents can fuck up their children.
- Finished.
- Hello! Hugo, we were That is very naughty, but also I hope you're all right.
Just remember, it's not your parents' fault.
- I mean, it's your fault.
- No, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault that your parents, erm Sorry.
That'll be Barbara.
Why don't you ask if Barbara and Hugo want to come tonight? - It might cheer her up a bit.
- OK.
- And you could ask George as well.
- No, you can ask him.
- No, you do it! Be careful, you don't want to lose me to him! Right.
Let's clear this up, shall we? Must have been a big poo! Looks like a clever machine, Donald.
Saying something that makes sense for once, Shun? It's a fumigating fondue machine.
A device I've created for smoking and melting cheese.
Fondue machines already exist.
Yes, but if you'd listened to the actual name of the invention instead of being a fat pedant ignoramus, you'd notice I called it a fumigating fondue machine.
Ie it smokes the cheese at the same time.
Why don't you just get smoked cheese? Let's see who's laughing when you're stuck here writing pointless, depressing music and I've bought myself a whole tropical island? Donald Island? That's right, Shun, and don't think you're coming.
You're banned.
We'll have our own island anyway, won't we, Shun? What shall we call it? Mm, I think maybe Donald Island.
Fucking moron! That's it, everyone, getting into the spirit of things.
So George and Abigail are coming and I'm going to ask the builders, too, - so it should be a lovely evening.
- What? - Why are George and Abigail coming? - Why's he coming? George and Abigail are coming because they're our neighbours - and Shun is coming because he is our - Slave.
- Japanese angel.
You like Abigail, don't you, Donald? She likes me, more like.
It's embarrassing.
She asked if she could come earlier, actually.
I was, "Play it cool, Abigail! Stop being so keen!" Well, you are quite a catch, I must say.
- Looks about 40.
- Well, you look dead, mate.
And some of those builder lads are quite handsome, Amy.
So, you know, no harm in making a bit of an effort.
Also, you could be friends with Abigail too, you know, - if you just lightened up a bit.
- Nah, she's too weird.
That's why she'll die a lonely spinster covered in moss while I'm living it up on Donald Island.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Hey, leave that alone! Hugo loves the Grubs books.
He thinks you're brilliant.
Nice for him to be around a more stable family.
It's a work in progress, you know? But we're We're getting there.
Come back here, you harlot witch! Donald, stop it! No, Shun! No judo! No! That's a valuable prototype! Donald? What the fuck is going on? She's a psychopath! Hello, boys.
What are you doing tonight? We're going to have a little party.
Abigail, your ass looks outstanding.
Ugh, shut up, Dad.
Hooray! Hello, Deborah.
- Steady on! - No, I can't control myself around you, Deborah.
The sexual tension is just unbearable.
Hi, Deborah.
Hi.
He's hilarious, your dad, isn't he? Donald's inside.
I was given a whole crate of this as a thank you for a new forehead.
Ooh, new forehead! Fancy.
Ooh, la-la.
That could be me and you.
Ha-ha-ha! Hilarious! It's a present, actually, from Maurice.
Cor, what are you cooking? That's just Donald's special cheese.
Smells like shit! - Ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha! So, everyone, this is George.
He's a plastic surgeon.
And his daughter, Abigail, who's training to be a very clever lawyer.
Abigail.
That's her real face.
I haven't touched it.
Maurice, how are you? Yep.
It's a bit quiet, isn't it? Shall I get some music? Oh, I can go and get some of my tapes, if you like.
Oh, no, Barry.
We don't want more jazz.
Perhaps Amy could play something.
Dad! Could be nice.
OK, something lively, maybe.
Don't know about everybody else, but I'm in the mood for a bloody boogie.
Boring! Play some reggae, for heaven's sake! This is a sushi made of beef.
Ah, not now.
Thank you, Shun.
We're just drinking.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
You ever had smoked cheese before? No.
No? I put a bit of gin in there.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Let's get rid of this.
Shall we, Debs? Ooh! Maurice, do you want to get your mother down? She loves a party.
- Deborah's a lovely lady, isn't she? - Yes.
Such kind eyes.
Think she's the only person who can make a cup of tea the way my Audrey used to.
My wife passed away a couple of years ago, you see, so I'm on me own now and .
.
I wore this to her funeral.
Have you seen Hugo? Oh, wandered off, has he? I'll go and have a look.
Oh, OK.
Thanks, Maurice.
She's amazing, isn't she? She had very bad acne as a child.
As a child? She basically went through puberty at about seven.
Who's taller now? Hugo? Christ Is it a hangman's rope? No, er She's just having a nap.
And that is Well, erm That's a snake, actually.
It doesn't look like a snake.
It's a magic snake.
It's a secret family snake.
Nice family.
Yes.
Good father.
I just got divorced.
Had a fight about which washing machine to get, the 7kg load or the 9kg, and then we realised we hated each other.
And that he was sleeping with my dentist.
As a medical professional, I just find you fascinating.
I mean, - I almost want to take a mould just to mount on my wall.
- Ha-ha! Goodness! Stop it, George! - Making me feel like one of those glamour models.
- Excuse me.
Whoo! Cheer up, Barry.
So serious.
You don't seem to be showing this lady much respect, sir.
The magic snake is very special.
It means that you're very lucky, but you must never tell anyone you've seen it.
Or .
.
you will be cursed.
And terrible things will happen.
Worse than divorce? Much worse.
But if you keep it a secret, a wish will come true.
Will my daddy come back? Yes.
Yes, he will, but only if you keep it a secret.
Now, off you go, and remember -- - secret snake.
- OK.
Mr Flowers loves children.
Hugo is the perfect size for him.
- Oh, he's quite small, isn't he? - He make him laugh.
Oh, there you are.
I want to go home.
She is breathing It just sounds a bit strange.
This lady is beautiful and kind, intelligent - And probably very naughty in bed.
- Stop it! Maybe you should think twice before talking like that.
Yes, maybe you should think twice before eating so many cakes, you fat shit.
Goodness, George! All this testosterone flying around, I might get pregnant! Fucking boring, mate! Come on, then.
Does anyone remember the happy song? If I play it, you can sing it.
Nobody can be cross with the happy song playing.
Fucking hell! Ow Ow Ow I think my mother's about to die.
Hugo! Hugo, it's bedtime.
What are you drawing? - Let me see.
- No, it's a secret.
Let me just have a look, please.
Well done.
I'm cursed.
You're cursed.
We are both cursed.
- Do you want me to come with you? - Where's Shun? - What? It doesn't matter, I think he's got my toothbrush.
I'll see you there.
OK, I'll be right behind you! - Mum, I can't drive! - Just back it out! Argh! - Oi, don't throw it out! - Argh! - George what are you doing? - It keeps the skin sterile.
I'm like a big packed lunch.
- Come on, Barry, we need to go.
- Such hot cheese! - Toothbrush, pyjama.
- See what I can do about the stench.
- Shun, you stay here and tidy up, please! - Hello? - Come on, cheese man.
- Hi, Barbara.
Well, actually, they're going to the hospital right now.
- I think I've fucked the clutch.
- Oh, thank you.
- And the accelerator.
Hey, Donald, put the kettle down! I was just going to make a flask of tea for everyone - if we were still getting ready.
- Are you eating?! - I need energy.
- Deborah, it's Barbara.
- Fucking Barbara again! - She says it's urgent.
It's not as urgent as this, is it? - No, Shun, get out! I'm driving.
- Come on! Nanna Grubb loved the damn diary of dreams To the edge of the crack where the swamp water steamed Such odious prose, such horrible sadness Such terrible proof of Mr Grubb's madness She clenched her claws round the cursed journal And hurled it down to the pit infernal That Mr Grubb's sorrow and fear and pain Would never be heard of or witnessed again Then a quick gust of wind caught the hem of her dress And tossed the dear fossil straight over the edge.
The pages came free, one by one, all in sequence And fluttered about, like a flock of mad secrets.
- No! - Turn around, please! Turn around.
- No! I don't want to! I can't just leave you here, can I? Well, Daddy's never coming back, you piece of shit! Hugo, you come back here! Come back here now! What's happened to you? - So, you didn't notice anything unusual? - Is there something wrong? It just seems like it was quite a hefty impact.
Yeah, that's probably because of the chair.
Sorry, I forgot to say.
What chair? Just there was a chair on the floor, so it's probably the height that she fell from, which explains the nature of the injury to her skull.
What was she doing on a chair? Maybe looking at an interesting pattern in the ceiling or perhaps a spider.
Was she putting something in her hatch? Might have been hoarding another crow.
Or she could have been getting something out of it.
- It's a sort of cupboard.
- What would she want from a cupboard? Well, I'm guessing, a quilt or a plate or something.
Why would she need a plate? Just to look at it, you know.
Take it out, put it back in again recreationally.
- Your nose is bleeding.
- Is it? Hm.
- Strange.
- She had dementia as well.
So - Exactly, good point, Amy.
That's why she was up there, cos she was as mad as a hoop.
She had IBS too.
- Yeah, perhaps not relevant.
- It's not relevant.
Yeah, nice one, Donald, really helpful.
We have a few more tests to run, but it is quite a severe haemorrhage.
So, just to give you some warning, the prognosis is looking pretty poor.
Are you saying that to make it sound worse than it is, - so that we don't? - No, I'm not doing that, no.
OK, so, for insurance purposes - That's not what I'm doing.
- She's not doing that, no.
Right, so, what is it 50/50? - It's not 50/50, no.
- So - It's very close to zero.
- Right.
Sorry, I just realised something, do you write the Grubbs books? - Er yeah.
- Oh! - I do.
My daughter loves The Acorn Conundrum.
Ah, well, yeah, that's a fun one.
- You're taller than I thought you would be.
- Yes, I am, yeah.
Sorry, is that all, Doctor? Because my mother-in-law is dying, if you remember.
Sorry, yes, I'm sorry.
Might be an idea for some of you to go home and get some rest.
Perhaps pop in first thing in the morning.
No, thank you.
We'll all be staying here with Nanna, thank you.
- That's completely up to you.
- Yes, it is up to us, yes.
And that's what we're saying we will do.
- It's absolutely fine.
- Yes, thanks, you said that.
- I'll see you shortly.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, is she going to die soon? Quite soon, yes.
Have I got time to get a coffee? Yes, let's go.
Ha! Oh, what's going on? Hello? - Ah, Maurice! - Yes? - What's going on? - Uh, I'm just drinking a coffee.
- You all right? - Yeah, why? Well, you're forgetting about chairs, your nose is bleeding and you're a ridiculously big cup of coffee in the middle of the night.
Well, I'm drinking it BECAUSE it's the middle of the night.
To be honest, I don't know why it's so big either, - but that's not my fault.
- We should have a family meeting.
- About what? - I don't know, that's why we should have a meeting.
You want to have a meeting to decide what to have a meeting about? Of course I don't.
Why do you always have to twist everything I say? I'm just going to check on Shun.
Yes, you go and do that for a change.
Go and talk to the one person who can't actually speak English.
And enjoy your reservoir of coffee! - Shun! - So strange, Mr Flowers, put nearly £100 in here, - still not working.
- Yep.
That's because it's broken, Shun.
Probably, yeah.
- How is Grandmother? - Yeah, she's not good, I'm afraid.
- Oh, dear.
Look, I need you to do something for me.
- I need you to hide something for me.
- OK.
- It's a kind of a lasso.
Do you know what that is? - Yes, mango juice.
No, that's not You're thinking of a lassi, a sort of yoghurt-y - Yes, very delicious.
- Yeah, yeah, it's not that.
This is a noose.
- Ah, chocolate mousse? Delicious.
- No, no, it's not delicious.
- Not mango juice either? - No, back to square one.
- Ah, yes, square one! - It's a rope.
It's a hangman's rope.
- I hate you! - Shh! - What's happening? - Quick.
- 'Why are we hiding? - 'I'll tell you later.
'Is it wasp? Did you see a wasp?' Old Nanna, we thought you'd live forever.
How wrong we were.
I wish there was something I could invent to save you, but there's no time.
- Why are you staring at me? - I'm not.
- What's the matter? - She's fucking staring at me.
- Amy? Amy.
Amy! Mum, please, don't start doing the thing where you just say my name over and over again in slightly different ways, because it doesn't help.
- I'm so sad about Nanna.
- Oh, there.
Sh-shh.
Just flop your tit in his mouth and be done with it.
- Oh, Amy! - Stop saying my name! OK, where shall I hide suicide weapon? Bathroom cupboard? Why would you hide it in the bathroom cupboard? I think nobody will check bathroom cupboard.
- Just nail clipper and vagina cream.
- No, just get rid of it completely.
Mr Flowers, such enormous shame.
- Are you OK? Tell me truth.
- Yes.
Well, no.
I suppose what I'm saying is, I don't want to talk about it.
OK.
I will make you very happy straightaway.
Little joke.
- Oh, no.
- Yes, humour.
Erm English joke, let me think.
- Knock, knock - Who's there? - Postman.
- Postman who? - I have your letter.
- What? - English joke makes you happy.
- It doesn't make sense.
Yes, you're happy? - Maurice, Chin! - Oh, yes.
- Ha! Hi, why are you here? We're here to support you, of course, didn't want to end the evening on such a dour note.
- We can go if it's inconvenient.
- Is Deborah around? Yes.
- I told you this was a stupid idea.
- Come on, I love hospitals.
Sorry! Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.
- What are you doing here? - I don't know.
My dad's being really weird.
Sorry.
- Snot.
- Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah.
People die all the time, don't they? So it's literally fine.
Amy, is that you? Oh, shit.
- Can you just? - OK, why? - Sorry, it's just I'm coming in! - How are you doing? - OK, thanks.
- Do you want me to give you a hug? - No, I'm all right, thank you.
We must love each other.
Mum, can you just let me leave the toilet, please? Not until you let me give you a hug.
- Well, we're going to be here for ages then.
- I'm going to hug you.
- No, thanks.
- Come here.
- No.
- Just get off! - No, come on.
Why are you so strong?! Just let me hug you.
Aw! My sweet, little, sensitive squiggle.
You're just a sweet little squish, really, aren't you? - Is that better? - Yep.
English grandmother, never die.
There you are! Deborah, you grieving fox! - Everybody's here.
- Oh, hello again, George.
I brought you something to say sorry about, you know She's not dead yet, as I keep saying.
Well, in advance, and to apologise about the party.
I don't want you to think you can't recommend me clients just because of a little altercation.
I should've ignored the strange builder.
He was trying to cause trouble.
I just don't like seeing people be rude, that's all.
- Who's that? - That's Barry.
- Hello, Deborah.
I was just saying, actually, it might be best if everyone went home.
There's no need to be polite, Maurice.
We're happy to stay.
Shall we? Lighten the mood a bit.
I'm sure you could do with some.
Yes, why not? Shun, you could give Barry a lift home.
Or I could stay here with you.
Show my support as well.
Well, it's quite a small room.
I'm not sure how many of us are allowed.
- He won't be staying long either.
- Depends how strong this absinthe is! Or perhaps the simplest thing is just for people who aren't actually in our family to go home.
Well, there's no point standing around moping, is there? Not talking about anything.
- Maurice, un petit peu? - No, thanks.
- Maybe for Grandma, then.
- She can join in the party! - I love gallows humour.
- Barry, can you go home at least? - Oh, yeah, I understand.
- I'll I'll leave you in peace.
- Shun? Could you? Absolute pleasure.
No problem, Mr Flowers.
I'll be thinking of you, Deborah.
Everybody, hopefully grandmother survive.
Good luck! Shun, could I have a word? (Can you get rid of the noose?) Maurice, what are you doing? Just, er, giving Shun directions out of the hospital.
- Quite tricky.
- Why do you need to whisper directions? Lord, have mercy on this sweet lady, Harriet Flower.
Singer, dancer, abandoned spouse to magician and Lothario Felix Flower.
Let her survive by the power of your healing.
Or, if she does perish, let her be filled with joy in Heaven with a sound mind and lithe body like her daughter-in-law, Deborah.
And let her enjoy multiple fulfilling I have to take five, actually.
.
.
sexual relations with the most handsome angels.
Hi.
I was wondering if the Flower family have checked in.
This is a hospital, not a hotel.
No, sorry, I mean, just, erm, if they're here, actually.
Hugo, stop that, please! I'm so sorry.
You see, that's the thing about grief.
It's an incredibly sexual emotion.
- I'm just going to check on Maurice.
- Of course.
I'll look after Nana.
- Oh! Oh! Deborah.
- Oh, Barbara.
Now's not a good time.
- Is she OK? No, she's about to die, actually, so a bit of privacy would be Oh, gosh.
I'm so sorry.
It's just I really need to talk to you about Hugo.
Barbara, I don't care about your divorce.
It's not about that, actually, Deborah.
It's it's Maurice.
I don't really know how to say this, but Hugo's drawn a really worrying picture about something called - a magic snake.
- What?! And there's a man on it who looks exactly like Maurice.
Am I cursed? Maurice? He's right there.
Maurice! Come here this instant.
Hugo.
Barbara.
What are you doing? - Just getting a Clunk.
- Yeah, bit of sugar.
I'll get them.
I've been saving money for emergencies since I was three, so it's no problem.
- Abigail? Clunk? - Thanks.
Two Clunks and a Milky Finger, please.
I was crying loads earlier.
Just an emotional guy, I guess.
As well as resourceful.
Amy was just saying that you guys are thinking of moving out together.
I'm holding out for a strong wife, to be honest, Abigail.
In fact, I was thinking How would you feel about being my date to the funeral? You don't have dates at a funeral.
Donald! - You don't recognise me, do you? - Fat Matilda? Not fat any more, but yeah.
This is my beautiful neighbour, Abigail.
- Woo! Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- Violin One.
- Hi, Matilda.
- Violin Two.
- Are you a clown now? What do you mean? Just kidding.
Yes, I am.
Obviously.
It's quite a scary look.
Oh, no, this is drink-driving.
- Oh.
- Went through the windscreen.
Stupid, really.
Long day of humiliating work, so What about you guys? - Come here often? - Our nan had a fall, actually.
Oh, that's not good.
So what are you up to? - Chatting up girls? - I'm his sister.
- Yeah, but you know what I mean? - Look I know you've always had a thing for me, but now is not the time to be trying it on.
- For one thing, my nan's about to die.
- Oh, right -- sorry.
I didn't realise it was like that.
Well, it is like that, Fat Matilda.
And also I have a really hot neighbour at the moment, so even if you are a little less fat, - you kind of have to get in line.
- OK.
Just thought I'd say hello, that's all.
- Shouldn't you be sorting your face out? - Yeah.
Bit of a wait.
Anyway, it was nice to see you.
Fuck off touching my shoulder.
Hope everything's all right with your nan.
Bye! Sorry about that.
- He's even got a beard.
- Yes, he has, hasn't he? It just looks so much like a penis.
Yeah.
No, I can see that it's it's pretty incriminating.
We're keen to help you get to the bottom of this.
Yeah, absolutely.
But children do have quite vivid imaginations.
- Why is he imagining that, though? - It's a good point.
As in, er, sorry.
I don't know.
You know what I mean.
- Maurice, can we have a quick word, please, in private? - Yeah.
Why is there a picture of you holding a cock and balls? - I don't know.
- Well, you better know, because that mother - is going to call the police.
- OK.
Before I tell you, I need you to promise to be calm.
How are you managing to make this about me? - I'm not the one in the fucking picture, am I? - OK, but just I have a feeling you're not going to like what I'm about to say.
- We should be in there saying goodbye to your mother.
- I know that.
- So hurry up, please.
- I panicked.
Mum was on the floor and Hugo was there and he was holding a thing, that I didn't want anyone to know about.
I want to know about it immediately.
- Well, OK, but first, can I just say? - No! Just tell me what's going on! It's a noose, basically.
- It's a noose.
That's how she died.
She was trying to - What? It's a prop my dad used to use in his magic act with Mum.
- Stupid trick.
- What are you talking about? I didn't want Hugo to be traumatised.
So I told him it was a magic snake because that's what my mum used to call it.
I'm sorry I didn't I didn't want you to be upset.
That's why I didn't tell you.
- Oh, this is awful.
- I know.
- That's why - She was trying to hang herself? Why would she do that? Ummm I don't know.
Oh, this is awful.
I feel sick.
This is awful and you were carrying this all on your own.
- Why didn't you just tell me? - I don't know.
And that's how she fell off the chair? Erm yeah.
- This is just awful.
- I know, it's really bad.
- Poor Nana.
She couldn't tell us how she was feeling cos she was mad.
Arrgh! Owwww! OK, Maurice, it's all right.
Don't get angry with yourself.
- It's not your fault.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Shit.
And thank you for telling me.
I understand why you didn't.
And it was very good of you to try and protect us and Nana, but we have to deal with these things together, OK? Between us.
I, erm, I didn't do anything Don't tell me she's just died while we've been talking to fucking Barbara! As Nana Grubb gasped her terminal breath Mr Grubb paled at the cause of her death He gathered her bones and felt his heart wilt Too weak to endure the sheer heat of his guilt.
Going to a funeral today, Audrey.
Reminded me of your funeral.
And I just wanted to let you know that I miss you every day, think about you constantly, especially in the bath.
But I I need your help now, Audrey, because oh, I know you always said I should just do what makes me happy, but the truth is .
.
I'm in love with another woman.
And she has a husband and a family.
I haven't really got anyone else to talk to.
I just wanted to be honest with you, I suppose, because I .
.
I don't know what to do.
Anyway, I've brought you some more cheese on toast.
There.
And a little And dah-dah! Your favourite.
There you are, pickle.
Digging up noose.
My gosh! Mrs Flower's gone completely mad.
I know I just need a bit of time to work out how to play this.
I think too late if after funeral, Mr Flowers.
It might be too late already.
- What are you doing? - Give you power.
Have you found it? Well done.
Are you ready, then? Now, what we're about to tell you may seem like an awful, awful thing and in almost every sense, it is, erm But what we want you to understand is that we can learn from this, and we can try to make this the happy household that it should be from now on.
So today, we're going to be all smiles and I'm going to make a particular effort, because I feel like it's it's more my fault than anybody else's.
Maurice? So Dad? Liar, liar, pants on fire.