Fortysomething (2003) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Fortysomething - 1x01 This is Paul Slippery.
He is 44 years old.
His life is about to fall apart.
What are you doing? I'm examining my upper arms.
I'm not happy with my upper arms.
No woman over 40 is happy with their upper arms.
No, I mean, why are you getting dressed? Why are you getting dressed so fashionably? You're going somewhere.
Where are you going? To work, Paul.
I've got a job, remember? Course, of course, you've got a job.
- Something's to do with town planning.
- Not even close.
What's the matter with me? Am I going senile? Yes, I think you probably are.
- Did you just say something? - What? Just then.
Did you say something? No.
But that didn't stop you hearing it, did it? Estelle! Estelle, I've just had a very I'm feeling really weird.
- Consult a doctor! - I am a doctor.
Good.
Well done, stay with that.
Now that thing behind you is the front door.
Go through it, keep walking, until you reach the kitchen.
In there you'll find food.
Give it to your children! After that you're on your own.
Public relations! Market research market market relations! Goodbye, Paul.
Well, good luck with it.
Rory! Are you in there? Are you alone? - Edwin, is he in there? - Why don't you just go in? No fear.
There could be naked women in there.
Go in.
I thought Laura stayed here last night.
She stayed but she slept on the sofa.
You know what I mean.
No.
You're going to Work Experience today? And if so, what work are you gonna experience? And why did Laura sleep downstairs last night? And what are the luxury seafood goujons doing in your room? I thought they were something else.
- Olives, anyone? - Mom does beans.
All right, there's no need to say it like that.
Is Laura here? What's up with her and Rory? They had this row.
Is that why she spent the night on the sofa? Because generally when she comes over the two of them are normally That's great, dad.
What is it that they do again? Oh, I can still remember.
24 hours a day, giving it - Laura, hi! - Hi.
I didn't see you standing there.
So, what's all this about a row between you and Rory? - It was about Daniel.
- Rory seems to think Laura's interested in me.
- But you're going out with Laura's sister! - But she's in Thailand.
So are you interested in Daniel? Daniel? Is she interested in you? Where are the beans? Hello? Yeah, the beans are in the cupboard on the right.
Well, put the handle back on Darling, you don't need a tin opener.
There's just that little thing you can pull.
All right, be careful, it's very sharp.
Okay, bye.
How old is he? 45, next birthday.
Okay, time to go! You're staying here today, Daniel? You're a graduate now, shouldn't you be taking over the world or something? He's gonna try to seduce my girlfriend.
- Really? - I'm gonna chill, feel the vibe.
I.
e.
yes, I am going to seduce Rory's girlfriend.
Okay, let's go! See that? That is a fiftysomething kissing a thirtysomething.
In public, at 8:49 in the morning.
Doesn't it make you sick? Would you like a thirtysomething? Certainly not! I like your mother exactly the age she is.
If she was any younger, everyone would want to get their hands on her.
Disgusting old man.
Oh my God, it's Nobby! Nobby! - Paul! - Who's Nobby? Who's Nobby? Nobby's Nobby's a legend! Paul! This is a very old friend of mine, darling.
Paul Slippery.
Who's also my doctor.
- Hi.
- Hi! You do! You're desperate for one! No, I am not de Did you just say something? No.
Well, we have to go.
- Goodbye, Nobby's friend.
- Bye.
And lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love.
Hey, baby! Give us some love! Are you waiting for Ashley Ramp? No, Colin Cross.
He's been sent to Scotland.
We're all going to be sent to Scotland.
You're going to see Ashley Ramp.
Jackson and Poole.
What did you do with the tablets? The tablets! Mrs Neil has cancelled up on you.
- Why? - She says she's not feeling well.
Hi, Surinder! Paul, what are you doing here? What do you mean what am I doing here? I work here! I heal the sick! We discussed this! You don't work on Tuesdays, don't you remember? Surinder, I need to talk to you.
I actually think I may be cracking up! I'm serious, I I can't remember things.
Anything at all.
I can't even remember when we last had sex.
We have never had sex, Paul.
You're a happily married man! With Estelle! I can't remember when Estelle and I last had sex.
About six months ago from the look of you.
- What did you just say? - Nothing.
Well, there you are, you see, that's the other thing! I keep thinking that I can hear people's thoughts! I just heard you think that I looked as if I hadn't had it for six months! I wasn't thinking that.
I was thinking you looked like you hadn't had it for a year.
What's the matter with me? Is it Pilfrey? Why is Pilfrey getting to me? Why do I feel threatened by Pilfrey? You feel I invade your space.
You feel I'm younger than you! And I am.
You're challenged by my ideas! Ideas! Do you have any ideas? What I have is the future, Paul.
Roll up your Sasco wall plan and hang up your stapler! We're entering the digital realm.
Online surgery, paperless medicine, digital disease, digital cure.
This is year zero, people! Think digital! Ian Duncan to see Dr Pilfrey.
That's Nobby! Nobby's my patient! - Is Dr Slippery not available? - He's not here today, I'm afraid.
See? You're not here today.
Can I go into the consulting room with him and you know - It's all right.
You wait here, darling.
- Okay.
Lots and lots and lots and lots of love! Go home, Paul.
Enjoy the day! These people need me! What is this? You should be at school! It's our art project! It's called "My Penis".
- You should be at work! - No, I should not be at work.
It's a Tuesday, and I should be at home, reconnecting with my family while Estelle fulfills her potential.
Yeah, it scares the crap out of you, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't! - What? That'll be the fridges! - Did they offer you a coffee? - No, they didn't.
Okay, listen, it's ding-ding, all change around here.
Some people are off to Scotland, some people are going to Bristol, some people are going to be sent even further away.
It's a time of managerial change.
Only last week I was made assistant head of human resources, but then next week I too may have to go to Scotland.
Sir, I don't think I could go to Scotland Eventually I'd have to go to Scotland.
Cause I don't fit in with the Annabelle Goodwin's lot.
I am now and always will be the man who ordered the snails".
C'est la vie.
Bristol.
Do you want me to go to Bristol? I didn't know the job was in Bristol.
- Oh no, you won't be sent to Bristol! - Oh, good.
You won't be sent anywhere.
You see, the job for which you applied has well, disappeared in management restructuring.
- So I've been fired? - No! No, no, no, no, no! For us to fire you we had to have taken you on in the first place.
You see, essentially what we're doing is letting you go before taking you on.
Sorry.
Human resources.
Yes.
No, certainly, if you give me the paperwork, I can deal with the problem.
Right.
Well, it's probably going to be Wednesday? Sign here, please! No, I will not sign! I will not sign because I didn't order these fridges! - Dad, can I borrow a tenner? - What would I want with 30 fridges? - 32.
- 32 No, no, don't put that there! - Please, take them away! - Cheers.
Did you just Oh, my I need Estelle! Where does Estelle work? - She left the number on the fridge! - Which fridge? Good morning, I'm sorry to bother you.
- I wonder if you had a moment to talk about - Hello, sorry to bother you.
I wondered if you had a moment to talk about - So, you're the new work experience.
- Yeah.
Do you have any experience? - Of work experience? - Of work.
Well, you know, I mean I read about it, seen it in films Two rules of selling.
Stay polite, make the customer feel they're in charge.
- Jesus! - Three rules.
No personal calls.
It's not a call, it's a text.
My younger brother is actually going to shag my girlfriend.
I have to leave.
That may be a record.
Slippery! Estelle Slippery! She started this morning! No, I've spoken to them, and they've put me through to you.
I've spoken to them.
And them.
Yes, I'm absolutely sure.
Look, she's my wife, I should know! She left me this number, Jackson and Poole, please, I need my wife! You should be at school! No, I wasn't talking yes, actually, I was talking to you! You should be at school! You should be at "finding my wife"-school! Oh, I see, so you're you're saying she just made the whole thing up! Thank you.
Look, who ordered these fridges? - Edwin.
- Daniel did.
- Daniel! What are you up to? - Chill, be cool.
No, I will not be cool! Estelle is just lying to me about where she is, I have these voices in my head, there are fridges, and I can't remember things! What sort of things? Well, obviously I can't remember the things I can't remember, can I? All right! Things.
Things like it's your 20th wedding anniversary today? Those kind of things? Lovely dog.
- You think? - Yes.
I thought it was hideous, actually.
So, what brings you to this bench? I had this rather odd experience.
I was due to start my first my first job for some time and when I got there, it it had gone.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
I just lost my entire workforce.
Oh God, really? She was called Carol.
Not an easy person, mind you.
Even more than I am.
I suppose I I suppose I'd better ring my family.
Tell them what happened.
Rory, darling, it's me.
I'm in the park, talking to a very nice lady, and I've had a bit of a life-changing morning.
Can you call me? - Is that your husband? - No, Rory's my eldest.
So it really was your first day back? You spent years being a housewife, a mother.
Oh God, is it that obvious? The husband wears the wife on his linen, the wife wears the husband on her face.
I bet your husband looks very smart.
Oh God, no, Paul's an absolute mess! I think I'll just walk around and think about it.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
Listen, I want you both to talk it through.
Violence accomplishes nothing.
- I disagree.
- Remember, I'm the master of Ten Chao Wai.
Ten Chao Wai is a restaurant, Daniel.
- Now, look, you're both responsible adults - Come on, dad, smack their bottoms, - you know you want it! - You should be at school! Come on, come on, come on.
In this house we are calm.
We are reasonable.
- Mom just rang.
- Give me that.
Give me that! - She's my mother! - She's MY mother! I mean, she's my wife.
- You and me, we should talk.
- My room.
Okay? What are you lot doing? Coming to listen to you guys talk about your relationship! You should be at school! Can you just keep it down, please? I'm trying to listen to this.
Fridges! Rory, darling, it's me.
I'm in the park, talking to a very nice lady, I've had a bit of a life-changing morning.
Can you call me? - Hello? - Hi.
Are you the nice lady? Well, I try.
My name is Gwendolen Hartley.
- But you're on my wife's phone.
- That's right.
Well, can I speak to my wife, please? I'm afraid she's not here at the moment.
She went for a little walk.
For a little walk? Why? She's supposed to be at Jackson and Poole! Can you explain why this is not the case? - There's no need to be alarmed, Paul.
- Paul? What's with the Paul? You've got my wife's phone, you know my name, how did we get so intimate all of a sudden? Look, I'll tell her you called.
Well, thanks, Gwen.
I feel left out.
Like, you know, something's been decided.
Rory! Rory! Rory, I need to speak to you! Your mother's met a nice lady! - He's so doing drugs.
- That's all they did in the '70s, take drugs.
- My dad says alcohol is the worst drug of all.
- Let's face it, parents are drug addicts.
I heard that! And I resent it! The only heroin I've had was Valerie Singleton, and now can I please speak to Rory? We are discussing my relationship! Well, I need to speak about my relationship with your wife! I mean, with your mother! If I don't sort this out, there won't be a relationship.
I'll have to sell this house and move into bungaloos or something.
What are you talking about? She's met a woman who's changed her life, apparently.
I've just spoken to her on the phone, she knows my name.
- They're obviously - Close.
- Yes! - Very close.
- Yes.
- It starts to make sense! What does? Oh my God! Oh my God! - Look, call her, will you? - Paul, that was a joke.
No, no, it wasn't! This happens! There was that MP whose wife Just talk to her, will you? Tell her I want my wife back! Oh, I should never have grown that beard.
- Hi.
- Hello, this is Estelle Slippery's son.
I understand you've got my mum's mobile phone.
Hello, you must be Rory.
- She knows my name.
- What is she, some kind of a witch? Her voice does have a gruff quality to it.
Do you know where my mum is? I told your father, she went for a walk.
To think about things.
I think she may be feeding some ducks at the moment.
Ducks, great job! She's gone for a walk to think about things apparently.
- They do that a lot, you know.
- Who? Lesbians? - Could you just ask her to give us a call when she gets back? - Or ducks? We're a bit worried about her, that's all.
Sure.
Sure.
- My God, that woman sounds like a serious - Oh God, God, God! No, my wife is in a park with a lesbian! And ducks! - Look, this is your problem, I have to deal with my - No, listen.
If your mother's in a park with a lesbian, it is very much your problem! I have no problems with my mum's being in a park with a lesbian! This house could do with a few more women around the place.
- Hello, Paul.
- Stella, Allison, hi.
- Can't stop, I'm afraid, bit of a - Is Estelle in? No, she's not, I'm just trying to What do you want her for? We just thought she might like to go out and play.
Oh God, they're everywhere! Does Brian know? - Know what? - Hi.
- Hello, is that Gwendolen? - It is.
Hi, Paul Slippery here.
Sorry, if we got off on the wrong foot earlier, but I've not been feeling a 100%.
- You need your wife.
- Yes.
No, I Look, Gwen, you know, I'm a broad minded man, and some of my best friends are lesbians.
They're not actually, but if I met a lesbian, which I did as a matter of fact, on a plane to Hold on a second.
Surinder, what are you doing here? Trying to get ahold of Nobby! - Why, what's wrong with him? - When he left the surgery he was looking terribly white! Surinder, people are allowed to be white! You know, we live in a multicultural society and practice positive discrimination, - and you're black, which is great - Paul, white as in too pale.
Right, gotcha.
So I dug up his notes.
You've had him on nitrates, haven't you? Yeah, for the last year.
He's got angina, high blood pressure.
What's the problem? - Pilfrey just gave him a prescription for Viagra! - Oh my God! Thank you! That's incredibly kind.
You left it on the bench.
I've been talking, rather listening to your husband.
Oh, how how was he? - Well, he sounded rather stressed.
- Yes, that's Paul.
Your son sounded delightful.
No, he is! I mean, they're all delightful, really.
Look Why don't you pay me a visit? - Executive Recruitment Consultant? - It means headhunter.
- So you want me to - Yes, I do.
I mean it's in his notes, for God's sake! Doesn't Pilfrey ever read anyone else's notes? He's too busy transferring them to disc.
Great, meanwhile Nobby has a digital heart attack.
- So how long he's lived on the river? - Since Sheila left him.
Said he was gonna sail around the world and dive for sponges.
I think he once got as far as Teddington.
What are you lot doing? Nothing.
But you mind doing it somewhere else? They're shagging.
Look, shouldn't you lot be off nicking car stereos or something? - Paul - It's all right, Surinder, I speak boy.
We have a medical emergency here.
Now bugger off, will you? Go on! Nobby? Nobby! Nobby? Nobby! We've got to get them to stop.
If Nobby's blood pressure goes up Sounds like it's already up, Surinder.
But what do we do? Sing a hymn? Read out some share prices? Cough? I've got it.
Nobby, as your doctor, I instruct you to stop! Stop having sex, Nobby! Stop it at once! Paul! Right.
Right, Surinder, throw out the anchor and fasten the mainsail.
- Paul, what's up? - There's a weir, Nobby! There's a bloody weir! - Paul, what are you doing here? - Trying to stop you from having sex! - Paul, let go of that rope! - You little bastards! - Have you taken the tablet, Nobby? - What tablet? - The Viagra! Don't take the Viagra! - I didn't take the bloody Viagra! Nobby, don't have sex, everyone remain calm inspite of the bloody weir! Paul, let go of that rope! Paul, are you all right? Just give me lots and lots and lots of love, and I'll be fine.
You're just feeling threatened.
Estelle's always been there for you, now she just wants some time for herself.
To fulfill her lesbian urges.
Who are you there for, Surinder? You, of course.
Now did I hear what you thought there or did you just say that out loud? I said it.
But don't get any ideas.
Now go inside.
Call Estelle.
And I promise to sort out Nobby's notes for you.
You're a pal.
Excuse me, does a Mr Slippery live here? That depends.
Are you delivering parking tickets? I'm not on duty at the moment.
But I would point out that that Peugeot is positioned at an incorrect angle to the curb.
Selfish parking.
We're after Mr Daniel Slippery.
We've had no response to the ringing of the doorbell.
Well, if I saw you ringing my doorbell, I'd probably hide under the bed and call the police.
And I have, and you are, so I will.
Goodbye.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Daniel! Where are you? Daniel! I demand to know! Is this the Slippery household? No, it's an electrical appliance wholesalers! Now bugger off and torment some mortuaries, can't you? Daniel! - Oh, thank god, I thought you were Rory.
- Will you get What do you mean? Why shouldn't I be Rory? Hi, Paul.
- How's your day? - Fine.
So where is Rory? - He went out.
- Was he okay? He's fine.
He was crying, but he was fine.
That was a joke, father.
So we're just gonna like, chill have a little lie down.
Does that mean sex? You're gonna have sex now, are you? I'm so very happy for you.
Dad, if you're gonna go clothes shopping, please take me with you.
- What are you doing here? Where are the lads? - Cross country run.
Well, you should be doing a cross country run! You should be at school! You certainly shouldn't be here! Now go and get into whatever it is you wear when you run across countries.
Oh, leather.
Lovely leather.
Blimey, you don't give up, do you? We are the parents of Laura Proek.
Well, congratulations.
You adopted her, did you? Bought her on the internet, or something? Laura Proek is currently seeing your son, Rory.
What, that Laura? Is she here now? No.
Then why are you pointing? What, this? This isn't a point.
No, this is this is pointless.
Look, why don't you come in? So, what's the problem? The problem is your other son, Daniel.
We have grown very fond of Rory, Rory is a gentleman.
But Daniel We think he may be toying with Laura's affections.
Oh, I doubt that very much.
What's that noise? Hot water pipes.
Bloody nuisance.
Why don't we go through to the kitchen? - Monster shag in progress.
- Oh, Edwin! And there as well! There's some seriously deep dicking going on here, dad.
That little Proek is a piece of work! - Edwin, what are you doing? - You told me to go for a run! This is the one time you actually do what I tell you? Not really, I just had to get away from Laura.
Empress of shag.
I'm trying to revise and she just up there going: Oh, yes, please, Daniel, give me some more!" Edwin, do you know Mr and Mrs Proek? Laura's parents? Hello, Mrs.
- Doesn't sound like pipes.
- What, you're a plumber as well, are you? Please, go into the kitchen, I just need a moment to throttle this boy.
What is going on in this house? I am fed up with it! Me too! I've gotta do the Franco-Prussian war! Daniel is completely out of control, he's utterly obsessed by sex! Wonder where he gets that from.
Well I'm not gonna tolerate it! I'm being driven insane by this! - Daniel! - Oh, now, who's that? Probably one of the neighbours, wants to join in.
- Whoa, whoa, Rory old son, what's up? - Listen to this! He's doing it on purpose! I'm gonna kill him! - No, no, no! - Rory! Mrs Proek.
- Rory! - Mr Proek! Now, get upstairs and stop them! No way! Get between those and you could lose an arm! - I knitted you a lovely hat! - Oh, thank you.
That, that is a really nice hat.
We've talked to your father, we've told him that we do not approve of Daniel's behaviour.
Hold on a second, what are you, some kind of outreach social worker? I'm a rodent control operative, and I'm also Laura's father! Yeah, well Laura's an adult! They're all adults! They don't need you poking your nose in.
- Now listen to me, Sonny Jim - No, you listen! I can't control my own children's behaviour, I don't see why the hell you should! I can't even control my own behaviour! I clean forgot that today was my 20th wedding anniversary! - You did what? - Oh, how could you? Yeah dad, how could you? Oh, suffering Judith Edwin, would you please take the Proeks to the kitchen, and play them that new CD.
Incredibly loud! I can't believe this! It's good, though, isn't it? I mean, I prefer their early stuff Well, thanks so much for dropping by, and if Laura turns up, we'll send her over to you! God, I thought they'd never go.
Do you think they really are fans of garage rock, or they just don't like listening to their daughter being reduced - to a quivering heap of jelly by your brother? - Well I bloody don't! Yeah, sorry.
Things aren't good, are they? You could talk.
You're even worse shit than me! Yeah.
If Estelle's a lesbian, it's your own fault, man.
Wedding anniversary.
You should be at school! And turn this bloody music off! Lesbians don't forget their wedding anniversaries.
Cause they don't get married.
Logical.
Ah, marriage.
My marriage is in ruins.
What am I gonna do? Why don't you organise a party? That way when she comes back from work all her friends will be here.
- You know, Stella Bee, Allison - They're lesbians! Julia, Mrs Link from her crafts class, and that woman who had a nervous breakdown when her husband hit her across the head with the electric frier.
Valerie Hogan.
Not a lesbian, in spite of that.
- All right.
- Oh, no, Rory! Rory! - Daniel! - Rory! No, Rory! Rory! - Daniel! - Stop it, stop it! Rory! Go to your room! Blimey, that still works.
- Case all over.
- You reckon? - It has to be over, 38 minutes.
- Wow.
- How long does it take you? - Well, about it's none of your business! Dr Slippery! No, Rory, put that axe down! Can I help you? - Daniel? - Rosie, hi.
What? - How is he? - Nobby's fine.
We think he's fine.
He's in with Pilfrey now.
He had a sort of pain in his chest and a sort of pain in his arm.
And he couldn't sort of breathe.
I'm sure he'll be okay, Paul.
I mean, I've only known him for three days, but I feel like I've known him for my whole life! And he is strong.
What he needs now is lots and lots and lots and lots of love.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I better go and see what Pilfrey's up to.
Dr Pilfrey's a good doctor, isn't he? He has a degree in medicine from Saint Catherine's hospital in London! He is one of the top three doctors in the practice.
Pilfrey, open this door! Pilfrey, open this door before I break it down! - Yes.
- I want to know how Nobby is.
Ian Duncan, Nobby, yes.
My friend, Nobby, yes.
My patient, Ian Duncan, yes.
Stress.
Acute stress.
You know as well as I do the importance of regular exercise and diet.
The mediterranean diets, so on.
Lots and lots of fruit and vegetables, and olive oil, lots and lots of sundried tomatoes.
And how is he now? I consoled him about the stress.
I talked to him about the stress.
I talked about the relaxation types which are hugely beneficial.
I played him the one with the flute.
But how is he? How is my friend Nobby? He's He's dead at the moment.
What seems to be the problem? My problem is you.
Lighten up! Lighten up.
Lighten up? What do you mean, lighten up? Would you like a glass of water? No, thank you, Edwin.
I'm going home now.
- Rory? - Yes, Laura? Bye, doll.
- Deathscape? - Deathscape.
I've uh .
I've popped him off to the undertakers, okay? I think that I was probably a little bit tactless back there.
You know, about your chump's coronary.
But we've all gotta go sometime, this sort of thing, you know Anyway, it's for the best.
If he lingered on, he probably would've been brain damaged or seriously disabled.
And it's enormously expensive to keep people alive.
At some times sometimes it's easier and better and cheaper, talking as a doctor, just to you know let them die.
Thank you, Dr Pilfrey.
- Haven't you heard of self control? - Yes, I have heard of it.
But something takes over in me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Yes, it's called your penis.
I can't believe this.
It's exactly the same thing that happened on that French trip.
While I wanted to go to karate, all you could think about doing was Oh hi, Stella! Yeah, if you could come over to the house by about 8? - What's he doing? - He's phoning up Estelle's friends.
If he doesn't sort out a party by tonight, we could be facing a divorce situation.
Now then, let me give you the guided tour.
Here we have the office.
This was Carol, I take it.
Indeed, it was.
There's blood on the carpet.
But the most of it was hers, I'm glad to say.
Rupert, darling, can I call you back? She was a good woman as women go, and as women go, she went.
I'll get you a new desk, obviously.
- What? - If you came to work here.
I don't usually throw things at my employees.
Look, look, I'm very flattered, but I really don't think I'm up to it whatever it is that you do.
Well, that's my problem, not yours, isn't it? But then again, maybe your husband wouldn't approve.
What's he got to do with it? Well, he didn't seem to take to me on the phone.
He seemed a bit stressed.
He kept going on about lesbians.
I rather got the impression he thought I might be one.
He does get these strange obsessions.
I ask you, a lesbian! - Do I look like a lesbian? - You look nothing like a lesbian.
I know! Although, as a matter of fact, I am one.
What I'd like to do is to get some of his friends together and, you know, just talk about what Nobby meant to us.
That's a lovely idea I'm afraid I don't know your name.
We could we could organise something on the boat! No.
Not the boat.
The boat has too many memories.
The boat is where we you know I know.
Oh, you are so kind! You are so kind and sweet and good.
And you knew Nobby so well! I didn't know him that well I've known him a long time 15 years.
But look, we could get everyone to meet at a pub, just talk about Nobby.
- Like a party? - Indeed, yes.
Yes.
Have you met Nobby's friends? Hi, could we? They don't look very sad, do they? What did you tell them? Just that I wanted to sort of get together, you know, and talk about Nobby.
Did you say he was dead? I'm not sure.
I didn't think of him as dead, really.
So maybe he isn't really.
Not sure the second thought follows logically from the first, but Would you like me to you know ? I've got some important news! I've got some rather shocking news, everyone, and I'm not sure that everyone's taking this on board! Look, Nobby's dead! So can you all just shut it for a minute? Yeah.
Anyway Nobby died this afternoon.
And so I just thought we ought to be a bit you know And .
here, she's now gonna say a few, you know I'll drink to that! I just wanted to say that Nobby died of a heart attack at 3:15 this afternoon.
I think it was 3:15.
May have been 3:30 or even, you know, quarter to four.
But time doesn't really matter, does it.
No, it's irrelevant! In many ways I didn't really know Nobby very well, but I knew him in a very intense way, - and our relationship involved - Loads of shagging.
You know.
When Nobby was taken from me, we were actually - in the middle of - Great deal of shagging.
So I think we should all go somewhere more intimate and talk about Nobby and toast his memory.
We could all go to to Paul's house.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
- What? - Oh, what a wonderful idea! No, no, no, no, no! We're all going to Paul's place! We're all going to Paul's place! No, look, see, no, no, no! Look, you see, the thing is, it's actually my anniversary today, and, and, and my wife My wife wasn't totally a Nobby fan, to be honest with you.
Jesus, Duncan Meat.
Just keep the noise down, please, everyone! I do have neighbours, you know.
Although my neighbours are here.
Duncan, please, stop hitting that man, he's flesh and blood just like you.
Look, everyone Oh, sod it Shut up! Well, thank you all for coming, uhm I just wanted to say that my sons have organized this party and my wife doesn't know about it, so, you know - I just want to keep this a surprise.
- I'll surprise her! Duncan.
This is my wedding anniversary.
Never mind your wedding anniversary.
A man has died.
A good man.
And a great friend of mine.
Gotcha! You beauty! Right.
Could somebody explain about the fridges? That's the last one gone.
Daniel says he's cleared 200 quids.
I made him pay for the booze.
You know, it was quite a good party at the end.
It damn well should've been.
20 years of marriage.
Can you really not remember when we last had sex? No, I can't.
When did we last have sex? - I'm not gonna tell you.
- Why not? Was it you know well below the national avarage? You want it now, don't you? How do you know I want it now? Because you're being nice to me, and you've got your hand on my leg which is the thing you do And you're sticking your tounge out.
You always do that when you want to have sex.
No, I stick my tounge out lots of times when I don't want to have sex! - When? - Well - When I'm inspecting it! - Oh God, you're so weird.
I am not weird! Although, you know, sometimes I think I can hear people's thoughts.
Oh, you probably can.
You certainly ought to be able to read mine.
We've been married an awfully long time.
So how was your day? I must say I like the sound of this Gwen character.
Gwendolen.
It was it was great.
See? Now I don't know what you're thinking.
Estelle, I just I want to support you.
I want to help you fulfill your potential.
Thank you.
And I'm gonna try not to be so obsessed with myself.
Good.
There's just so many questions, so many things.
Not all of them are about me.
Will Edwin ever go to school? Will Daniel stick with Laura? And who will Laura stick to? Will Rory kill Daniel before she decides? Will Duncan Meat ever go home? Will I ever be able to remember when I last had sex?
He is 44 years old.
His life is about to fall apart.
What are you doing? I'm examining my upper arms.
I'm not happy with my upper arms.
No woman over 40 is happy with their upper arms.
No, I mean, why are you getting dressed? Why are you getting dressed so fashionably? You're going somewhere.
Where are you going? To work, Paul.
I've got a job, remember? Course, of course, you've got a job.
- Something's to do with town planning.
- Not even close.
What's the matter with me? Am I going senile? Yes, I think you probably are.
- Did you just say something? - What? Just then.
Did you say something? No.
But that didn't stop you hearing it, did it? Estelle! Estelle, I've just had a very I'm feeling really weird.
- Consult a doctor! - I am a doctor.
Good.
Well done, stay with that.
Now that thing behind you is the front door.
Go through it, keep walking, until you reach the kitchen.
In there you'll find food.
Give it to your children! After that you're on your own.
Public relations! Market research market market relations! Goodbye, Paul.
Well, good luck with it.
Rory! Are you in there? Are you alone? - Edwin, is he in there? - Why don't you just go in? No fear.
There could be naked women in there.
Go in.
I thought Laura stayed here last night.
She stayed but she slept on the sofa.
You know what I mean.
No.
You're going to Work Experience today? And if so, what work are you gonna experience? And why did Laura sleep downstairs last night? And what are the luxury seafood goujons doing in your room? I thought they were something else.
- Olives, anyone? - Mom does beans.
All right, there's no need to say it like that.
Is Laura here? What's up with her and Rory? They had this row.
Is that why she spent the night on the sofa? Because generally when she comes over the two of them are normally That's great, dad.
What is it that they do again? Oh, I can still remember.
24 hours a day, giving it - Laura, hi! - Hi.
I didn't see you standing there.
So, what's all this about a row between you and Rory? - It was about Daniel.
- Rory seems to think Laura's interested in me.
- But you're going out with Laura's sister! - But she's in Thailand.
So are you interested in Daniel? Daniel? Is she interested in you? Where are the beans? Hello? Yeah, the beans are in the cupboard on the right.
Well, put the handle back on Darling, you don't need a tin opener.
There's just that little thing you can pull.
All right, be careful, it's very sharp.
Okay, bye.
How old is he? 45, next birthday.
Okay, time to go! You're staying here today, Daniel? You're a graduate now, shouldn't you be taking over the world or something? He's gonna try to seduce my girlfriend.
- Really? - I'm gonna chill, feel the vibe.
I.
e.
yes, I am going to seduce Rory's girlfriend.
Okay, let's go! See that? That is a fiftysomething kissing a thirtysomething.
In public, at 8:49 in the morning.
Doesn't it make you sick? Would you like a thirtysomething? Certainly not! I like your mother exactly the age she is.
If she was any younger, everyone would want to get their hands on her.
Disgusting old man.
Oh my God, it's Nobby! Nobby! - Paul! - Who's Nobby? Who's Nobby? Nobby's Nobby's a legend! Paul! This is a very old friend of mine, darling.
Paul Slippery.
Who's also my doctor.
- Hi.
- Hi! You do! You're desperate for one! No, I am not de Did you just say something? No.
Well, we have to go.
- Goodbye, Nobby's friend.
- Bye.
And lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love.
Hey, baby! Give us some love! Are you waiting for Ashley Ramp? No, Colin Cross.
He's been sent to Scotland.
We're all going to be sent to Scotland.
You're going to see Ashley Ramp.
Jackson and Poole.
What did you do with the tablets? The tablets! Mrs Neil has cancelled up on you.
- Why? - She says she's not feeling well.
Hi, Surinder! Paul, what are you doing here? What do you mean what am I doing here? I work here! I heal the sick! We discussed this! You don't work on Tuesdays, don't you remember? Surinder, I need to talk to you.
I actually think I may be cracking up! I'm serious, I I can't remember things.
Anything at all.
I can't even remember when we last had sex.
We have never had sex, Paul.
You're a happily married man! With Estelle! I can't remember when Estelle and I last had sex.
About six months ago from the look of you.
- What did you just say? - Nothing.
Well, there you are, you see, that's the other thing! I keep thinking that I can hear people's thoughts! I just heard you think that I looked as if I hadn't had it for six months! I wasn't thinking that.
I was thinking you looked like you hadn't had it for a year.
What's the matter with me? Is it Pilfrey? Why is Pilfrey getting to me? Why do I feel threatened by Pilfrey? You feel I invade your space.
You feel I'm younger than you! And I am.
You're challenged by my ideas! Ideas! Do you have any ideas? What I have is the future, Paul.
Roll up your Sasco wall plan and hang up your stapler! We're entering the digital realm.
Online surgery, paperless medicine, digital disease, digital cure.
This is year zero, people! Think digital! Ian Duncan to see Dr Pilfrey.
That's Nobby! Nobby's my patient! - Is Dr Slippery not available? - He's not here today, I'm afraid.
See? You're not here today.
Can I go into the consulting room with him and you know - It's all right.
You wait here, darling.
- Okay.
Lots and lots and lots and lots of love! Go home, Paul.
Enjoy the day! These people need me! What is this? You should be at school! It's our art project! It's called "My Penis".
- You should be at work! - No, I should not be at work.
It's a Tuesday, and I should be at home, reconnecting with my family while Estelle fulfills her potential.
Yeah, it scares the crap out of you, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't! - What? That'll be the fridges! - Did they offer you a coffee? - No, they didn't.
Okay, listen, it's ding-ding, all change around here.
Some people are off to Scotland, some people are going to Bristol, some people are going to be sent even further away.
It's a time of managerial change.
Only last week I was made assistant head of human resources, but then next week I too may have to go to Scotland.
Sir, I don't think I could go to Scotland Eventually I'd have to go to Scotland.
Cause I don't fit in with the Annabelle Goodwin's lot.
I am now and always will be the man who ordered the snails".
C'est la vie.
Bristol.
Do you want me to go to Bristol? I didn't know the job was in Bristol.
- Oh no, you won't be sent to Bristol! - Oh, good.
You won't be sent anywhere.
You see, the job for which you applied has well, disappeared in management restructuring.
- So I've been fired? - No! No, no, no, no, no! For us to fire you we had to have taken you on in the first place.
You see, essentially what we're doing is letting you go before taking you on.
Sorry.
Human resources.
Yes.
No, certainly, if you give me the paperwork, I can deal with the problem.
Right.
Well, it's probably going to be Wednesday? Sign here, please! No, I will not sign! I will not sign because I didn't order these fridges! - Dad, can I borrow a tenner? - What would I want with 30 fridges? - 32.
- 32 No, no, don't put that there! - Please, take them away! - Cheers.
Did you just Oh, my I need Estelle! Where does Estelle work? - She left the number on the fridge! - Which fridge? Good morning, I'm sorry to bother you.
- I wonder if you had a moment to talk about - Hello, sorry to bother you.
I wondered if you had a moment to talk about - So, you're the new work experience.
- Yeah.
Do you have any experience? - Of work experience? - Of work.
Well, you know, I mean I read about it, seen it in films Two rules of selling.
Stay polite, make the customer feel they're in charge.
- Jesus! - Three rules.
No personal calls.
It's not a call, it's a text.
My younger brother is actually going to shag my girlfriend.
I have to leave.
That may be a record.
Slippery! Estelle Slippery! She started this morning! No, I've spoken to them, and they've put me through to you.
I've spoken to them.
And them.
Yes, I'm absolutely sure.
Look, she's my wife, I should know! She left me this number, Jackson and Poole, please, I need my wife! You should be at school! No, I wasn't talking yes, actually, I was talking to you! You should be at school! You should be at "finding my wife"-school! Oh, I see, so you're you're saying she just made the whole thing up! Thank you.
Look, who ordered these fridges? - Edwin.
- Daniel did.
- Daniel! What are you up to? - Chill, be cool.
No, I will not be cool! Estelle is just lying to me about where she is, I have these voices in my head, there are fridges, and I can't remember things! What sort of things? Well, obviously I can't remember the things I can't remember, can I? All right! Things.
Things like it's your 20th wedding anniversary today? Those kind of things? Lovely dog.
- You think? - Yes.
I thought it was hideous, actually.
So, what brings you to this bench? I had this rather odd experience.
I was due to start my first my first job for some time and when I got there, it it had gone.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
I just lost my entire workforce.
Oh God, really? She was called Carol.
Not an easy person, mind you.
Even more than I am.
I suppose I I suppose I'd better ring my family.
Tell them what happened.
Rory, darling, it's me.
I'm in the park, talking to a very nice lady, and I've had a bit of a life-changing morning.
Can you call me? - Is that your husband? - No, Rory's my eldest.
So it really was your first day back? You spent years being a housewife, a mother.
Oh God, is it that obvious? The husband wears the wife on his linen, the wife wears the husband on her face.
I bet your husband looks very smart.
Oh God, no, Paul's an absolute mess! I think I'll just walk around and think about it.
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
Listen, I want you both to talk it through.
Violence accomplishes nothing.
- I disagree.
- Remember, I'm the master of Ten Chao Wai.
Ten Chao Wai is a restaurant, Daniel.
- Now, look, you're both responsible adults - Come on, dad, smack their bottoms, - you know you want it! - You should be at school! Come on, come on, come on.
In this house we are calm.
We are reasonable.
- Mom just rang.
- Give me that.
Give me that! - She's my mother! - She's MY mother! I mean, she's my wife.
- You and me, we should talk.
- My room.
Okay? What are you lot doing? Coming to listen to you guys talk about your relationship! You should be at school! Can you just keep it down, please? I'm trying to listen to this.
Fridges! Rory, darling, it's me.
I'm in the park, talking to a very nice lady, I've had a bit of a life-changing morning.
Can you call me? - Hello? - Hi.
Are you the nice lady? Well, I try.
My name is Gwendolen Hartley.
- But you're on my wife's phone.
- That's right.
Well, can I speak to my wife, please? I'm afraid she's not here at the moment.
She went for a little walk.
For a little walk? Why? She's supposed to be at Jackson and Poole! Can you explain why this is not the case? - There's no need to be alarmed, Paul.
- Paul? What's with the Paul? You've got my wife's phone, you know my name, how did we get so intimate all of a sudden? Look, I'll tell her you called.
Well, thanks, Gwen.
I feel left out.
Like, you know, something's been decided.
Rory! Rory! Rory, I need to speak to you! Your mother's met a nice lady! - He's so doing drugs.
- That's all they did in the '70s, take drugs.
- My dad says alcohol is the worst drug of all.
- Let's face it, parents are drug addicts.
I heard that! And I resent it! The only heroin I've had was Valerie Singleton, and now can I please speak to Rory? We are discussing my relationship! Well, I need to speak about my relationship with your wife! I mean, with your mother! If I don't sort this out, there won't be a relationship.
I'll have to sell this house and move into bungaloos or something.
What are you talking about? She's met a woman who's changed her life, apparently.
I've just spoken to her on the phone, she knows my name.
- They're obviously - Close.
- Yes! - Very close.
- Yes.
- It starts to make sense! What does? Oh my God! Oh my God! - Look, call her, will you? - Paul, that was a joke.
No, no, it wasn't! This happens! There was that MP whose wife Just talk to her, will you? Tell her I want my wife back! Oh, I should never have grown that beard.
- Hi.
- Hello, this is Estelle Slippery's son.
I understand you've got my mum's mobile phone.
Hello, you must be Rory.
- She knows my name.
- What is she, some kind of a witch? Her voice does have a gruff quality to it.
Do you know where my mum is? I told your father, she went for a walk.
To think about things.
I think she may be feeding some ducks at the moment.
Ducks, great job! She's gone for a walk to think about things apparently.
- They do that a lot, you know.
- Who? Lesbians? - Could you just ask her to give us a call when she gets back? - Or ducks? We're a bit worried about her, that's all.
Sure.
Sure.
- My God, that woman sounds like a serious - Oh God, God, God! No, my wife is in a park with a lesbian! And ducks! - Look, this is your problem, I have to deal with my - No, listen.
If your mother's in a park with a lesbian, it is very much your problem! I have no problems with my mum's being in a park with a lesbian! This house could do with a few more women around the place.
- Hello, Paul.
- Stella, Allison, hi.
- Can't stop, I'm afraid, bit of a - Is Estelle in? No, she's not, I'm just trying to What do you want her for? We just thought she might like to go out and play.
Oh God, they're everywhere! Does Brian know? - Know what? - Hi.
- Hello, is that Gwendolen? - It is.
Hi, Paul Slippery here.
Sorry, if we got off on the wrong foot earlier, but I've not been feeling a 100%.
- You need your wife.
- Yes.
No, I Look, Gwen, you know, I'm a broad minded man, and some of my best friends are lesbians.
They're not actually, but if I met a lesbian, which I did as a matter of fact, on a plane to Hold on a second.
Surinder, what are you doing here? Trying to get ahold of Nobby! - Why, what's wrong with him? - When he left the surgery he was looking terribly white! Surinder, people are allowed to be white! You know, we live in a multicultural society and practice positive discrimination, - and you're black, which is great - Paul, white as in too pale.
Right, gotcha.
So I dug up his notes.
You've had him on nitrates, haven't you? Yeah, for the last year.
He's got angina, high blood pressure.
What's the problem? - Pilfrey just gave him a prescription for Viagra! - Oh my God! Thank you! That's incredibly kind.
You left it on the bench.
I've been talking, rather listening to your husband.
Oh, how how was he? - Well, he sounded rather stressed.
- Yes, that's Paul.
Your son sounded delightful.
No, he is! I mean, they're all delightful, really.
Look Why don't you pay me a visit? - Executive Recruitment Consultant? - It means headhunter.
- So you want me to - Yes, I do.
I mean it's in his notes, for God's sake! Doesn't Pilfrey ever read anyone else's notes? He's too busy transferring them to disc.
Great, meanwhile Nobby has a digital heart attack.
- So how long he's lived on the river? - Since Sheila left him.
Said he was gonna sail around the world and dive for sponges.
I think he once got as far as Teddington.
What are you lot doing? Nothing.
But you mind doing it somewhere else? They're shagging.
Look, shouldn't you lot be off nicking car stereos or something? - Paul - It's all right, Surinder, I speak boy.
We have a medical emergency here.
Now bugger off, will you? Go on! Nobby? Nobby! Nobby? Nobby! We've got to get them to stop.
If Nobby's blood pressure goes up Sounds like it's already up, Surinder.
But what do we do? Sing a hymn? Read out some share prices? Cough? I've got it.
Nobby, as your doctor, I instruct you to stop! Stop having sex, Nobby! Stop it at once! Paul! Right.
Right, Surinder, throw out the anchor and fasten the mainsail.
- Paul, what's up? - There's a weir, Nobby! There's a bloody weir! - Paul, what are you doing here? - Trying to stop you from having sex! - Paul, let go of that rope! - You little bastards! - Have you taken the tablet, Nobby? - What tablet? - The Viagra! Don't take the Viagra! - I didn't take the bloody Viagra! Nobby, don't have sex, everyone remain calm inspite of the bloody weir! Paul, let go of that rope! Paul, are you all right? Just give me lots and lots and lots of love, and I'll be fine.
You're just feeling threatened.
Estelle's always been there for you, now she just wants some time for herself.
To fulfill her lesbian urges.
Who are you there for, Surinder? You, of course.
Now did I hear what you thought there or did you just say that out loud? I said it.
But don't get any ideas.
Now go inside.
Call Estelle.
And I promise to sort out Nobby's notes for you.
You're a pal.
Excuse me, does a Mr Slippery live here? That depends.
Are you delivering parking tickets? I'm not on duty at the moment.
But I would point out that that Peugeot is positioned at an incorrect angle to the curb.
Selfish parking.
We're after Mr Daniel Slippery.
We've had no response to the ringing of the doorbell.
Well, if I saw you ringing my doorbell, I'd probably hide under the bed and call the police.
And I have, and you are, so I will.
Goodbye.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Daniel! Where are you? Daniel! I demand to know! Is this the Slippery household? No, it's an electrical appliance wholesalers! Now bugger off and torment some mortuaries, can't you? Daniel! - Oh, thank god, I thought you were Rory.
- Will you get What do you mean? Why shouldn't I be Rory? Hi, Paul.
- How's your day? - Fine.
So where is Rory? - He went out.
- Was he okay? He's fine.
He was crying, but he was fine.
That was a joke, father.
So we're just gonna like, chill have a little lie down.
Does that mean sex? You're gonna have sex now, are you? I'm so very happy for you.
Dad, if you're gonna go clothes shopping, please take me with you.
- What are you doing here? Where are the lads? - Cross country run.
Well, you should be doing a cross country run! You should be at school! You certainly shouldn't be here! Now go and get into whatever it is you wear when you run across countries.
Oh, leather.
Lovely leather.
Blimey, you don't give up, do you? We are the parents of Laura Proek.
Well, congratulations.
You adopted her, did you? Bought her on the internet, or something? Laura Proek is currently seeing your son, Rory.
What, that Laura? Is she here now? No.
Then why are you pointing? What, this? This isn't a point.
No, this is this is pointless.
Look, why don't you come in? So, what's the problem? The problem is your other son, Daniel.
We have grown very fond of Rory, Rory is a gentleman.
But Daniel We think he may be toying with Laura's affections.
Oh, I doubt that very much.
What's that noise? Hot water pipes.
Bloody nuisance.
Why don't we go through to the kitchen? - Monster shag in progress.
- Oh, Edwin! And there as well! There's some seriously deep dicking going on here, dad.
That little Proek is a piece of work! - Edwin, what are you doing? - You told me to go for a run! This is the one time you actually do what I tell you? Not really, I just had to get away from Laura.
Empress of shag.
I'm trying to revise and she just up there going: Oh, yes, please, Daniel, give me some more!" Edwin, do you know Mr and Mrs Proek? Laura's parents? Hello, Mrs.
- Doesn't sound like pipes.
- What, you're a plumber as well, are you? Please, go into the kitchen, I just need a moment to throttle this boy.
What is going on in this house? I am fed up with it! Me too! I've gotta do the Franco-Prussian war! Daniel is completely out of control, he's utterly obsessed by sex! Wonder where he gets that from.
Well I'm not gonna tolerate it! I'm being driven insane by this! - Daniel! - Oh, now, who's that? Probably one of the neighbours, wants to join in.
- Whoa, whoa, Rory old son, what's up? - Listen to this! He's doing it on purpose! I'm gonna kill him! - No, no, no! - Rory! Mrs Proek.
- Rory! - Mr Proek! Now, get upstairs and stop them! No way! Get between those and you could lose an arm! - I knitted you a lovely hat! - Oh, thank you.
That, that is a really nice hat.
We've talked to your father, we've told him that we do not approve of Daniel's behaviour.
Hold on a second, what are you, some kind of outreach social worker? I'm a rodent control operative, and I'm also Laura's father! Yeah, well Laura's an adult! They're all adults! They don't need you poking your nose in.
- Now listen to me, Sonny Jim - No, you listen! I can't control my own children's behaviour, I don't see why the hell you should! I can't even control my own behaviour! I clean forgot that today was my 20th wedding anniversary! - You did what? - Oh, how could you? Yeah dad, how could you? Oh, suffering Judith Edwin, would you please take the Proeks to the kitchen, and play them that new CD.
Incredibly loud! I can't believe this! It's good, though, isn't it? I mean, I prefer their early stuff Well, thanks so much for dropping by, and if Laura turns up, we'll send her over to you! God, I thought they'd never go.
Do you think they really are fans of garage rock, or they just don't like listening to their daughter being reduced - to a quivering heap of jelly by your brother? - Well I bloody don't! Yeah, sorry.
Things aren't good, are they? You could talk.
You're even worse shit than me! Yeah.
If Estelle's a lesbian, it's your own fault, man.
Wedding anniversary.
You should be at school! And turn this bloody music off! Lesbians don't forget their wedding anniversaries.
Cause they don't get married.
Logical.
Ah, marriage.
My marriage is in ruins.
What am I gonna do? Why don't you organise a party? That way when she comes back from work all her friends will be here.
- You know, Stella Bee, Allison - They're lesbians! Julia, Mrs Link from her crafts class, and that woman who had a nervous breakdown when her husband hit her across the head with the electric frier.
Valerie Hogan.
Not a lesbian, in spite of that.
- All right.
- Oh, no, Rory! Rory! - Daniel! - Rory! No, Rory! Rory! - Daniel! - Stop it, stop it! Rory! Go to your room! Blimey, that still works.
- Case all over.
- You reckon? - It has to be over, 38 minutes.
- Wow.
- How long does it take you? - Well, about it's none of your business! Dr Slippery! No, Rory, put that axe down! Can I help you? - Daniel? - Rosie, hi.
What? - How is he? - Nobby's fine.
We think he's fine.
He's in with Pilfrey now.
He had a sort of pain in his chest and a sort of pain in his arm.
And he couldn't sort of breathe.
I'm sure he'll be okay, Paul.
I mean, I've only known him for three days, but I feel like I've known him for my whole life! And he is strong.
What he needs now is lots and lots and lots and lots of love.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I better go and see what Pilfrey's up to.
Dr Pilfrey's a good doctor, isn't he? He has a degree in medicine from Saint Catherine's hospital in London! He is one of the top three doctors in the practice.
Pilfrey, open this door! Pilfrey, open this door before I break it down! - Yes.
- I want to know how Nobby is.
Ian Duncan, Nobby, yes.
My friend, Nobby, yes.
My patient, Ian Duncan, yes.
Stress.
Acute stress.
You know as well as I do the importance of regular exercise and diet.
The mediterranean diets, so on.
Lots and lots of fruit and vegetables, and olive oil, lots and lots of sundried tomatoes.
And how is he now? I consoled him about the stress.
I talked to him about the stress.
I talked about the relaxation types which are hugely beneficial.
I played him the one with the flute.
But how is he? How is my friend Nobby? He's He's dead at the moment.
What seems to be the problem? My problem is you.
Lighten up! Lighten up.
Lighten up? What do you mean, lighten up? Would you like a glass of water? No, thank you, Edwin.
I'm going home now.
- Rory? - Yes, Laura? Bye, doll.
- Deathscape? - Deathscape.
I've uh .
I've popped him off to the undertakers, okay? I think that I was probably a little bit tactless back there.
You know, about your chump's coronary.
But we've all gotta go sometime, this sort of thing, you know Anyway, it's for the best.
If he lingered on, he probably would've been brain damaged or seriously disabled.
And it's enormously expensive to keep people alive.
At some times sometimes it's easier and better and cheaper, talking as a doctor, just to you know let them die.
Thank you, Dr Pilfrey.
- Haven't you heard of self control? - Yes, I have heard of it.
But something takes over in me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Yes, it's called your penis.
I can't believe this.
It's exactly the same thing that happened on that French trip.
While I wanted to go to karate, all you could think about doing was Oh hi, Stella! Yeah, if you could come over to the house by about 8? - What's he doing? - He's phoning up Estelle's friends.
If he doesn't sort out a party by tonight, we could be facing a divorce situation.
Now then, let me give you the guided tour.
Here we have the office.
This was Carol, I take it.
Indeed, it was.
There's blood on the carpet.
But the most of it was hers, I'm glad to say.
Rupert, darling, can I call you back? She was a good woman as women go, and as women go, she went.
I'll get you a new desk, obviously.
- What? - If you came to work here.
I don't usually throw things at my employees.
Look, look, I'm very flattered, but I really don't think I'm up to it whatever it is that you do.
Well, that's my problem, not yours, isn't it? But then again, maybe your husband wouldn't approve.
What's he got to do with it? Well, he didn't seem to take to me on the phone.
He seemed a bit stressed.
He kept going on about lesbians.
I rather got the impression he thought I might be one.
He does get these strange obsessions.
I ask you, a lesbian! - Do I look like a lesbian? - You look nothing like a lesbian.
I know! Although, as a matter of fact, I am one.
What I'd like to do is to get some of his friends together and, you know, just talk about what Nobby meant to us.
That's a lovely idea I'm afraid I don't know your name.
We could we could organise something on the boat! No.
Not the boat.
The boat has too many memories.
The boat is where we you know I know.
Oh, you are so kind! You are so kind and sweet and good.
And you knew Nobby so well! I didn't know him that well I've known him a long time 15 years.
But look, we could get everyone to meet at a pub, just talk about Nobby.
- Like a party? - Indeed, yes.
Yes.
Have you met Nobby's friends? Hi, could we? They don't look very sad, do they? What did you tell them? Just that I wanted to sort of get together, you know, and talk about Nobby.
Did you say he was dead? I'm not sure.
I didn't think of him as dead, really.
So maybe he isn't really.
Not sure the second thought follows logically from the first, but Would you like me to you know ? I've got some important news! I've got some rather shocking news, everyone, and I'm not sure that everyone's taking this on board! Look, Nobby's dead! So can you all just shut it for a minute? Yeah.
Anyway Nobby died this afternoon.
And so I just thought we ought to be a bit you know And .
here, she's now gonna say a few, you know I'll drink to that! I just wanted to say that Nobby died of a heart attack at 3:15 this afternoon.
I think it was 3:15.
May have been 3:30 or even, you know, quarter to four.
But time doesn't really matter, does it.
No, it's irrelevant! In many ways I didn't really know Nobby very well, but I knew him in a very intense way, - and our relationship involved - Loads of shagging.
You know.
When Nobby was taken from me, we were actually - in the middle of - Great deal of shagging.
So I think we should all go somewhere more intimate and talk about Nobby and toast his memory.
We could all go to to Paul's house.
I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
- What? - Oh, what a wonderful idea! No, no, no, no, no! We're all going to Paul's place! We're all going to Paul's place! No, look, see, no, no, no! Look, you see, the thing is, it's actually my anniversary today, and, and, and my wife My wife wasn't totally a Nobby fan, to be honest with you.
Jesus, Duncan Meat.
Just keep the noise down, please, everyone! I do have neighbours, you know.
Although my neighbours are here.
Duncan, please, stop hitting that man, he's flesh and blood just like you.
Look, everyone Oh, sod it Shut up! Well, thank you all for coming, uhm I just wanted to say that my sons have organized this party and my wife doesn't know about it, so, you know - I just want to keep this a surprise.
- I'll surprise her! Duncan.
This is my wedding anniversary.
Never mind your wedding anniversary.
A man has died.
A good man.
And a great friend of mine.
Gotcha! You beauty! Right.
Could somebody explain about the fridges? That's the last one gone.
Daniel says he's cleared 200 quids.
I made him pay for the booze.
You know, it was quite a good party at the end.
It damn well should've been.
20 years of marriage.
Can you really not remember when we last had sex? No, I can't.
When did we last have sex? - I'm not gonna tell you.
- Why not? Was it you know well below the national avarage? You want it now, don't you? How do you know I want it now? Because you're being nice to me, and you've got your hand on my leg which is the thing you do And you're sticking your tounge out.
You always do that when you want to have sex.
No, I stick my tounge out lots of times when I don't want to have sex! - When? - Well - When I'm inspecting it! - Oh God, you're so weird.
I am not weird! Although, you know, sometimes I think I can hear people's thoughts.
Oh, you probably can.
You certainly ought to be able to read mine.
We've been married an awfully long time.
So how was your day? I must say I like the sound of this Gwen character.
Gwendolen.
It was it was great.
See? Now I don't know what you're thinking.
Estelle, I just I want to support you.
I want to help you fulfill your potential.
Thank you.
And I'm gonna try not to be so obsessed with myself.
Good.
There's just so many questions, so many things.
Not all of them are about me.
Will Edwin ever go to school? Will Daniel stick with Laura? And who will Laura stick to? Will Rory kill Daniel before she decides? Will Duncan Meat ever go home? Will I ever be able to remember when I last had sex?