Frasier s01e10 Episode Script

I had to get out of the house.
Maris's Junior League is rehearsing their spring musical "Cats".
I've been watching two dozen underweight women in leotards crawling around the room meowing.
- My allergies are acting up.
- You're exaggerating.
No.
The experience is very vivid.
As God is my judge, I swear Mrs Presley-Bismuth was scent-marking the divan.
Women that age should know better - remember "The Sound Of Music"? Half the von Trapp children were having hot flashes.
Hi, Frasier, Niles.
The wacky gang from the office? My brother, Niles.
Teddy, our engineer.
Teddy, my man.
This is KACL's own Chopper Dave, your eye in the sky for traffic! (Shouts) Nice to meet you, Niles! - Why is he yelling? - Oh, God, I was yelling again.
I'm sorry, talking over the blades, you know! Whoop, whoop, whoop! This has been kind of fun.
But I really have to go.
I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personalities and it takes forever to fill out the name tags.
Well, KACL team, what is on the agenda for today? I've got a juicy piece of news.
And it's reliable: Alan in Accounting got it from Stephen in Promotions, who got it from the manager's secretary.
The station is way over budget and somebody's getting the axe.
But don't tell anybody.
I was sworn to secrecy.
Gossip sullies good people's names and creates suspicion and mistrust! Gossip is the lifeblood of the corporate world! If it wasn't for gossip, we wouldn't know how much everybody makes.
You know my salary? (Shouts) No one's salary's a secret! 98, 99, 100! New high for me! Squeezing or counting? (Barks) Java to go! (Shouts) Father Mike from "Religion On The Line" is getting dumped! No! Station just gave him a bonus.
Hey, where's my tickets to the "Sonics" game? (Shouts) Somebody stole my tickets to the "Sonics" game! That stinks! This is Oh, got 'em, got 'em.
You don't think Bulldog's getting canned? Could be.
He's our top personality, except for women 35 to 54 who think that I'm sort of a God.
But he complained about his salary.
He screamed about having his expense account on hold.
- (Shouts) Oh, yeah, bulldog's out! - Shh! Have you heard my new gimmick for the show? If the Seahawks beat Buffalo, I'll do my show hanging by my feet.
You can do that?! Oh, sure.
The real trick is drinking coffee.
I keep burning my eyes.
Want my tickets to the Sonics game? (Shouts) Thanks! Why aren't you going? Station manager wants to see me after work.
You're jumping to conclusions.
Bulldog has devoted 15 years to radio He shouldn't become the object of some scurrilous rumour that, as yet, hasn't a shred of truth to it.
I suppose you're right.
Just in case, I've got dibs on his parking space.
We have Don on his car phone.
He's having a weight problem.
Don, it's a common problem.
I'm listening.
'I eat healthy, I work out, but I can't lose a pound.
' Losing weight is a struggle, it takes a commitment.
If you're ready to accept that, I could suggest (Girl's voice) 'May I take your order, please? ' - Don, what was that? ' - Oh, it was the radio.
' - Don, where are you? - 'I'm just driving around.
' (Girl's voice) 'Please speak into the clown's mouth.
' (Don fakes static noises) 'I'm going into a tunnel! Bye! ' Yes, and the light at the end of that tunnel is a heat lamp over a large order of fries.
We'll be right back after the news.
- I got to run up to Payroll.
- OK.
Oh, hi, Father Mike.
Oh, hello, Frasier.
I heard a rumour that somebody is being let go.
Do you know anything? I'm afraid it might be me.
Don't put any stock in office gossip.
I know, but my numbers have been down lately.
They keep changing my time slot.
I'm really bummed! I don't like to engage in gossip but you have nothing to worry about.
Why? Someone is being let go.
It's not you, it's Bulldog.
Bulldog? Oh, what a shame.
Has anybody spoken for his parking space? I have.
So I'm a goner, huh? Bulldog, how long have you been? I know I'm out.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Damn it! Ned Miller wants to see me to can my butt! Why would he miss happy hour at "El Paquino's"? He's a boozer! This is just a rumour.
After all I've done for this station! This is how they repay me? No, I'll quit first! Now, don't do anything rash.
Try to vent your anger first.
Well, good.
Way to go.
Now, on your way.
You're damn right! Hey, Bulldog.
No time to talk, Slim! I'm off to war! - Ugh! - Wait for me! - What was that? - He's quitting.
- Why? - Because Ned Miller is firing him.
- Who told you that? - You did.
That was just a rumour.
You didn't tell him?! - He overheard me.
- Oh, God! You guys were so positive! The meeting tonight It was to discuss taking his show national! Don't you know anything? Apparently not! Go call his secretary! She can stop him! I don't believe it.
This is incredible! Arlene? Bob Brisco's about to jump into the office Oh, he did? He's already burst into the office with Miller.
God, this is a disaster! Maybe before he starts, Miller will tell him what the meeting was about.
You're right.
They may be having a good laugh about this right now.
(Growls) We're on in one minute! (Shouts) I did it! I scorched him! I told him his wife came on to me at the Christmas party, but no amount of liquor would make me sleep with that porker! - You said that to Ned Miller? - Yeah, he even took a swing at me.
But I gave him a little okey-doke! My God, the man tried to strike you? No sudden moves.
I'm too pumped.
I feel like popping someone! He has quit because of a rumour you spread! ME?! The point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back! You're unclear on this concept?! I'm a bad, bad man.
You've got to call Ned Miller and get this whole thing cleared up.
The man is unstable.
He took a swing at me the day he hired me.
(Shouts) I just heard a hot rumour! Bulldog quit! (Shouts) Keep it under your hat, Very Hush hush! (Doorbell) Oh, Niles, what brings you here? I was hoping Daphne could take a look at this plant.
I bought it for Maris but it, unaccountably, turned against her.
I thought Daphne could nurse it back to health with her soft, sensual hands and her loving manner.
Is she here? - She stepped out.
- Oh, well, I'm off.
Wait! You can stay.
We can visit.
Oh.
Well, yes, we could, couldn't we? - So how are you? - Fine.
You? Fine.
She's fine.
- Pickle? - No, thanks.
If you just came to see Daphne, you don't have to stay.
How can you say that? I am insulted! I wanted to have some time with you but now I'm so upset I have to leave.
- Hello.
Staying for dinner? - Yes, love to.
Could you coax this back to life? It's Maris's favourite.
- What did she do to it? - Nothing, just loved it.
What weather! - What happened to Bulldog? - Who told you? I just tuned into the gonzo sports show today and they had Father Mike filling in.
I hate that! All it was was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame.
" Bulldog tendered his resignation.
Oh, no! Why? He's the top sports guy in town.
It's a tough business, this radio game.
I'm picking up something from you.
You're shrouded in an aura of guilt.
Maybe I am.
That's fantastic! Do me, do me! No, I'm onto something here.
You think you're responsible for Bulldog losing his job! Frasier? I was repeating a rumour that Bulldog was going to get sacked.
He overheard me, blew up, quit his job.
The rumour wasn't true.
Of course, you already knew that, didn't you? (Phone) Oh, excuse me.
Hello? Maris Maris, what's wrong? Oh, pumpkin.
No, no, everything's going to be Oh, dear.
I have to go.
Maris is despondent.
They kicked her out of "Cats".
Why? She couldn't remember the words to "Memory".
If you are responsible for getting Bulldog sacked, you must go to his boss and get him his job back.
Ned Miller's the most mean-spirited man I've ever met.
And he cheats on his wife.
My goodness, I'm on today! So you're selling Bulldog down the river? This might be for the best.
He thinks he should be in a larger market, like LA or New York and Eddie, scoot, scat! - Bulldog? - Hiya, doc.
Why are you just standing there? I was trying to decide whether or not I should bother you.
My life is kind of over, but you got company No, no, come in.
It's just family.
This is my dad and Daphne Moon.
Hey, Bulldog! You're soaking wet.
- I've been wandering the streets.
- I heard what happened.
You haven't heard the half of it.
And my girlfriend threw me out.
She said she was only with me because I was on the radio.
Eight years we've been together.
Even when I was tomcatting around, I loved that woman.
God! That job was my life, and now I've been blackballed in this business because of my stupid temper.
What is this, anyway? That's a rare fertility symbol from a small nomadic tribe in Ghana.
When they passed out equipment, this guy was in the back of the line.
I might as well face it.
I'm just a loser, I'm a zero, - I'm nothing, a has-been.
- Pickle? Mr Crane often puts off his nightly bath just so he can hear your show.
You're the greatest! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have a radio.
That's a nice thing to say.
Now I know why your son is such a great guy.
Hey, I bothered you people enough.
I better go.
The good rooms at the "Y" fill up early.
Wait, Bulldog.
I can't let you leave like this.
Here's a 20.
Oh, all right.
Why don't you just spend the night? Take the couch.
- You'd do that for me? - Why have a priceless couch unless you've got people crashing on it? - Thanks.
- I could use a hot shower.
- Oh, sure.
- Down the hall, second door left.
You two just leave me alone.
This is not my fault.
I am not responsible for him going up there and popping off to the boss.
You can stare at me all you want.
I am not going to go see Ned Miller.
Oh, all right! I'll go to the station, talk to the monster, attempt to get Bulldog his job back and probably end up spitting out my teeth like Chiclets.
Anything else I can do? (Barks) Oh, we're low on dog food.
(Knock on door) What? What? I don't mean to disturb you, but Arlene wasn't I let her go.
What she's been doing lately has been ticking me off.
- If this is a bad time - It's a perfect time.
Hold this.
Come on! Now! - Come on.
- OK, how's this? I'd love to tell you, but your big head's in the way.
- Oh, put it down.
- What happened here?! That psycho Bulldog and I got into it this afternoon.
He threw my Golden Mike at me.
He did that with your little trophy? He just chipped the paint.
I did that with his head.
That's sort of why I'm here.
- Drink? - No, thank you.
I know that Bulldog was here and said some regrettable things to you.
I'll say.
You want to hear them? I tape everything in this office.
Well, anyway, a lot of what he said was my fault, you see.
I heard a rumour that management was thinking about lightening the load.
I heard that it was Bulldog that was going to get sacked and I was repeating it to someone, he heard me.
That's why he told you.
That I'm a drunk, incompetent, that my wife is a big fat slut! That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight! Anyway, my point is, I'd like you to consider giving Bulldog his job back and whatever the consequences to me, I'm willing to accept it.
Bulldog meant big numbers to us.
We need him back.
You get him to apologise to me Oh, hell, why don't I just say it? If he'll kiss my ass, maybe we can work something out.
I'm sure that'll make him so happy.
Well, I'll just get out of your hair.
Actually, that rumour about someone being let go: It's true.
What? Now that you've got Bulldog his job back, we need further cutbacks in those high-priced salaries.
- Oh, God, not Father Mike! - No, it's not him.
Chopper Dave? Ray the "Greengrocer"? Bonnie "The Auto Lady" Weems? Look, Crane, you're new to the radio game.
I've been around a long time.
People get fired but they always get back on their feet.
So I bet I could get you that drink now.
Yes, I bet you could.
(Phone) Help yourself.
Ned Miller! Yo, Jack! No, what's wrong? Come on, tell me now.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Yeah, I see.
No, no, I I got it.
Thanks, Jack.
Excuse me.
Bad news? I've just been fired.
They decided the best way to cut the budget was to get rid of MY salary.
Oh, Ned, I I'm so sorry.
Does this mean my job is still safe? I guess so.
Well, you know, Ned, I haven't been in the radio game that long but I've been around long enough to know that people get fired.
But they always land on their feet.
I've counselled a few people like you.
In time, you will embrace this, think of it as a new chapter.
In theatrical circles, they always say, "Every exit is but an entrance to somewhere else.
" God, I wish I had fired you when I had the chance.
# Baby, I hear the blues a-calling Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # Oh, my! # Maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe but I got you pegged! # But I don't know what to do with those Tossed salads and scrambled eggs # They're calling again Good night! #