Frasier s02e02 Episode Script

- What the hell are you doing? - Ironing your son's socks.
Why don't you twist them into balls like you do mine? He says it bruises the cashmere.
He likes them pressed, folded, then neatly arranged in sock dividers.
I saw them in a catalogue once, but couldn't imagine who would buy such silly things.
Of course, I hadn't met Dr Crane yet.
We thought there'd been a mix-up at the hospital.
When Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.
Oh, Dad, please.
Coaster.
Your beer is sweating.
So am I.
You want to shove one of those under my can? If he could, he would.
Mrs Greenway, what a pleasant surprise.
- That's him.
- Won't you come in? I had to see him again, but now I'm positive.
That is the horny little mixed breed who got my Phoebe pregnant.
You can't just bust in here accusing my dog.
I had to keep shooing him away from Phoebe in the park! Look at him.
He doesn't care whose life he's ruined! All he cares about is his own selfish pleasure! You know your problem, Dorothea? You got a bad attitude.
That's why nobody sits with you in the park.
There's no way Eddie could be the father.
He's been neutered.
Oh, really? Then how do you explain these? Oh, my God! - They're miniature Eddies! - Aren't they adorable? Well, I'm glad you think so, because they're yours.
Bad dog! Look what you did! Here, take these.
Dad, I expect an explanation.
I thought Eddie had been fixed.
All you had to do was look.
Well, I'm glad to say I've never been that bored.
- Couldn't you just eat 'em up? - For God's sake.
Don't love them.
They'll think they're staying.
Keep them off the couch.
Why did you let him run in the park? Haven't you seen the way he romances my towel warmer? He's cooped up here all day.
In the park, I let him get some exercise.
Apparently, that's not all he got.
I've found the perfect name for this one.
Stop! Dogs only need names if you plan to call them to you.
Listen, you get right back in there, you mangy little thing! My God! I'm going to the radio station.
We'll talk when I get back.
Oh, relax, Frasier.
I'll have Eddie taken care of tomorrow.
You better.
Daphne, give me that box.
Where are you taking them? - To unload them at the station.
- Couldn't we keep them for a while? No.
We don't want them taking after their father.
It may be too late already.
Oh, for God's sake.
Stop staring at me! Hello, Roz.
Don't you look lovely? - I don't want one.
- I didn't say anything.
Betty from accounting warned me.
Where did you find them? In my living room.
These are Eddie's mongrel seed.
Do you know anybody that wants six puppies? Six? All right, Eddie! Please.
I've been in the hallway for an hour trying to unload them.
- I haven't had any luck.
- Not everybody likes dogs.
Take me.
I'm a cat person.
It's not like I'd buy a cat mug, but I had a cat when I was growing up.
We were almost inseparable.
Muffles or Scruffles, something like that.
You know, Roz, it's possible there's a dog lover inside you just dying to get out.
Don't you think so? Come on.
Just take a look.
Come on.
Take a look.
Have a look.
Oh, he's adorable! Oh, come here, little fella! Oh.
Aren't you the cutest little thing? Oh, yeah.
Give me a kiss.
Give me a kiss.
Oh! I love you too.
There.
Happy now? Roz, how can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection? I can do it with men, too.
Come on.
It's time to start the show.
Phil, puppy! Puppy! They're all on to me.
All right, you behave yourselves.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, coming to you from KACL 780 Talk Radio.
I'll be with you for the next three hours.
Roz, who's our first caller? Rita is on line four.
She feels overwhelmed at home.
Hello, Rita.
I'm listening.
'Yeah, Dr Crane.
'Oh, Dr Crane, thank you for taking my call.
'I I tell you, I 'I'm about to lose my mind.
'I am raising four kids by myself.
'The oldest one is not even seven and the others are under five.
'Between cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and tripping over toys 'I feel sometimes like I am about to snap.
'What should I do?' Have you considered getting a puppy? If we can't have this one, are there any others available? No.
We found homes for the others.
- Thanks for coming over.
- But the children.
Dr Crane There are other dogs in the world.
Now, give me that.
Thank you for coming over.
Thank you.
I thought you might like some wine and pâté.
I made some lemonade for the children.
Where are the Thomasons? Why is that dog still here? I'm sorry, but they struck me as unfit guardians.
For God's sake.
He works at the zoo! She's a nurse! Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a campfire girl! They had a dark aura.
They had a ten-acre farm! I'd have gone with them! I see.
So you want me to give him away to just anybody? I'm not saying that.
It's just that he can't stay here.
- Hello, Niles.
Come in.
- I hope you don't mind my stopping by.
Maris is hosting the Women's League Senior Yoga Group.
And, well, old money and body stockings Say no more.
You're welcome to hide out here.
- I see the kennel is still open.
- Yes, but that's the last one.
I'd found a home for him, but Daphne thought the family wasn't nice enough.
- Some pâté, Niles? - I didn't reject them.
The dog did.
Canines have a very keen sense of who's a nice person.
Many's the time I've chosen a man based solely on the way my mum's spaniel took to him.
Daphne, that is preposterous, letting a dog choose your dates.
It's true.
If a dog likes a man, it's a good bet he's warm and sensitive.
I didn't get a good look at this little tike.
Come here, boy.
Come to your Uncle Niles.
Oh! Oh! He's taken quite a shine to you.
Yes.
Happens all the time.
Daphne, would you take the dog away? Phone the Thomasons and tell them we've reconsidered.
All right, but only for a two-week trial.
- Thank you.
- Come along, Basil.
I told you not to name them! - Hello, Dad.
- Afternoon, boys.
Dad, I seem to remember that Eddie had a little appointment down at the vet's.
I can't help but notice he still has that spring in his step.
We started heading down there, but the traffic was a bear.
You get a sunny day and everybody forgets how to drive.
You are going to reschedule? Oh, yeah.
I'll call in the morning.
This is the second time you've cancelled.
What's the problem? 'There's no problem.
What's the big deal? 'I'll call tomorrow.
Relax, will you?' - Dear God, he's licking me! - Eddie! Eddie, just stop.
Niles You have liver behind your ears.
I imagine I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear.
You had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and you didn't feel it? That's the story I'm sticking with, yes.
I want an assurance you'll take care of it.
- You promise? - I said I'd do it and I will! Get off my back! I'll be down at Duke's.
Ever notice how much faster he moves when he's wrong? He's got a psychological block against taking Eddie there.
I'll have to do it.
Somebody has to be responsible.
Good boy.
Come on.
Let's go.
Eddie? Uh, Niles.
Oh.
Now, Eddie, it's a routine operation.
They say it's almost painless, although I can't imagine No, Niles.
Perhaps it's best we don't discuss the operation.
We might spook him.
Excuse me? Are you saying he understands me? Well, he understands the word B-A-T-H.
God knows how much English he's picked up.
Fine.
What are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is ridiculous.
Look at him! What are you staring at? You know why you're here, don't you? Listen, it's for your own good.
You'll be much happier afterwards.
Look, your day-to-day routine, it'll be exactly the same.
You'll be able to sleep, run around with your little buddies, go play in the woods, chase the birds, lick your Did I mention sleep? You got a lot of nerve! You all right, boy? Of course he is allright, dad.
Why are you so upset? - I'm helping you out.
- That's a load of crap! We agreed on this.
You had a problem so I took charge.
I don't need you taking charge.
Mind your own business.
I don't need your help and I don't want it! It doesn't matter who brought him here.
I can do it, I feed him, walk him and give him his bath.
- Eddie! - No! - See what you did? - Me? OK, thanks.
Listen, Daphne's here in case anybody sees him.
I got the guys at the station circulating Eddie's picture.
- I'll look for him some more.
- You've done enough.
- Sit still and drink your tea.
- I hate tea.
In an emergency, it's all I know how to do.
That's a real comfort, coming from a health-care provider.
Dad, I'm sorry.
There was no luck at the pound.
They'll call if they find a dog matching Eddie's description.
A $500 reward for Eddie? Are you sure it's enough? It's about 500 more than I'd pay to get you back.
Dad, I said I was sorry.
I can't sit here.
I'm going back to the park.
What makes you think he'll show up there? That's his hangout.
Didn't you have a place where you met women, a place where you got lucky? - Well, I suppose so.
- Didn't you go back? To the park! This time we'll comb every inch of it, every tree, every bush.
- Daphne, we'll need help.
- Call Niles.
Tell him we'll pick him up.
Why go into the wild without one of the great outdoors men? Oh, this is odd.
I just got a psychic flash about Eddie.
- Well? - It doesn't make any sense.
All I'm getting is a picture of Eddie sitting with Dr Crane.
Dr Frasier Crane he listens - Any luck? - I couldn't find him.
- Where's Niles? - We split up to cover more ground.
Scrunch down.
If Eddie sees you here, he'll run away again.
Let's call it a night.
You've been here three hours.
I was on a stakeout for 15 hours without getting out of the car.
We had a contest to see who'd last longest.
The winner was Canteen McHugh.
Know why we called him that? I think I can guess.
His bladder was the size of a canteen.
Thank you for clearing that up.
You could have slung it on your shoulder and done a 20-mile march through the desert.
- Big, huh? - That's what I've been saying.
Close that window! It's freezing! - It's like a blast furnace.
- At my age, you get cold easily.
Right.
Dad, I've just developed a very interesting theory about you.
If I begged you, would you share it with me? If that's your attitude, just forget it.
Hello? Oh, Niles.
- Did he find him? - Just a second.
Let me put you on speakerphone.
Hang on.
- OK.
Go ahead, Niles.
- 'I'm in the park and I'm lost.
- 'Thank God for my cellular.
' - Did you see Eddie? 'No, but I thought I saw a raccoon.
'When I stopped running, I had no idea where I was.
- 'You've got to help me.
' - Niles, just remain calm.
Let me think back to my Boy Scout training.
Now, we're on the northeast corner of the park.
All right, look into the heavens and see if you can spot the North Star.
Then you turn 12 degrees For God's sake! Walk towards the horn.
'I hear it, Dad.
I'm walking.
' All right.
Just keep following it.
'I see a grove of trees and a fountain 'and a horrible hunchbacked old man.
Stay away from me! 'No.
It was just a bush.
'Things are beginning to look familiar.
Keep honking.
'I think I'm homing in.
I'm quite sure this is the way.
' OK, you can hang up now.
That was a harrowing experience.
A shrub and a raccoon and you live to tell about it.
Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't find Eddie.
I hope you understand.
I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife.
That is, if she'll let me.
I'll just hail a cab.
Call us from the curb so we know you're safe.
You're probably tired.
If you want to go, it's OK.
That's all right, Dad.
I'll stay for a while longer.
I'm sorry I cut you off like that before.
I've just never gone in for psychological mumbo jumbo.
Probably started on the force when we had to see "The Squirrel".
Who? Dr Bergman.
The department shrink.
It was his nickname.
Guys got sent to him when they got squirrelly.
He'd show you ink blots and ask about your toilet habits.
I could talk about that with Nat Dembrowski.
- We nicknamed him the Big - Thank you.
Look, it wasn't just Eddie I was mad about.
Eddie was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm always being told to take my feet off the furniture, put a coaster under my beer, turn the TV down.
I used to make the rules and now I follow them.
Does this make any sense to you? Psychologically, it makes perfect sense.
Slowly your responsibilities have been taken away from you and you Well, you feel symbolically castrated.
Why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch? All right, all right.
Well, maybe my rules are too rigid.
Maybe I should relax a little.
No, no.
Hey, it's your house.
You do what you want.
I don't know what's bugging me.
I guess it's not easy for a guy like me to not be in charge.
People confuse not being in charge with not being respected.
I hope you're not making that mistake.
Cos you command a great deal of respect.
Every day I hold myself up to the Martin Crane yardstick.
I guess a son always wants to make his father proud.
Yeah, I guess.
So? Yeah, yeah, you're doing fine.
Even if you are a big pain in the ass.
I don't know if I could have made Eddie have that operation.
That's a tough thing for a guy to do to another guy.
Amen to that.
You know, it's getting late.
What do you say we get some sleep? Eddie! Come here, boy! Hey, attaboy! Hey-hey! Good to see you, fella.
How are you doing? - Welcome him back.
- Hello, Eddie.
Good dog.
Oh, wet dog! You're shivering.
Here.
We got to get you warmed up.
Dad, that's a 100% cashmere pullover! It's meant to be worn with the collar up.