Frasier s02e20 Episode Script

That's it for today.
Goodbye and good listening.
Little off our game today, Roz.
Is something wrong? Yes.
I told a guy I love him.
Somebody you know this time? You hate to hear about my love life.
No, I care about you.
If you have a problem and I can help, I'd love to.
Just keep the details on a need-to-know basis.
We've dated a couple of weeks and last night he licked behind my ears - Roz, is this? - Yes, you do need to know this.
Anyway, what I meant to say was, "I love that.
" But I yelled out, "I love you!" He got a look on his face like Indiana Jones running from the big ball.
Do you love him? No, but I said it, so he should've said it back.
It's just polite.
There is no more emotionally-charged phrase than "I love you".
Some people can't say it.
It makes them too vulnerable.
My father's incapable of saying it, even to me.
But I know he does.
He never told you he loves you? God, that explains so much.
What does that mean? You're so needy that when a friend asks your advice, you steer the conversation back to your own problems.
Anyway, I told this guy I love him.
How do I take it back? Remember I said I cared about you and I'd like to help? I take it back.
Get out of there! You'll get a fish-hook up your nose.
Don't you ever clean that thing out? No, it's bad luck.
You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell rotten and nobody will sit next to you.
My multiple personality patients did that.
They'd say the other one had sent the cheque.
What an odd combination of odours.
Smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
Yes, it's time for Dad's annual ice fishing trip to Lake Nomahegan.
Getting ready.
Duke rented a cabin on the lake and I'm bringing the bait and pork rinds.
I don't want you boys throwing any wild parties.
How can we if you're taking all the pork rinds? How could a fish be so dumb as to put its mouth around Ouch! Hello? Yes, he's right here.
It's Duke.
Hey, Duke! I'm sorry.
Sure I understand.
We'll do it next year.
We got too many good times to let this tradition die.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love ya, ya big lug.
OK, bye.
- Your trip's been cancelled? - Duke's back's out again.
What a shame.
You were so looking forward to it.
I still have the cabin, but I can't go alone.
As much as I'd like to do something with you, ice fishing just isn't it.
I know! They're doing a revival of "The Iceman Cometh" downtown.
We could catch a matinee, go out for sushi and stay in the same theme.
Thanks anyway.
I used to enjoy waiting for the men to return with their catch.
My brothers' friends would come back, their chiselled faces all ruddy.
They were so masculine! I couldn't wait to panfry their kippers.
I'll go ice fishing, Dad.
- Really? - Unless you don't want me to.
No, this will be great! - You? Ice fishing? - Why not? I see myself as a man of the great alfresco.
You get a runny nose watching figure skating on TV.
- Thanks, Niles.
- Anything to save your trip for you.
Quite a gesture, but ice fishing? In an Arctic tundra where large men spit and it freezes in their beards? After you've seen Maris's dance group performing in the garden, the wilderness holds no terror.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Lovely day, isn't it? You're in a good mood.
With your father gone, it'll be a wonderful weekend.
Care to make it perfect? Sorry to disappoint you, but I am staying.
I found the Thermos! Make that coffee extra strong! How you doing? I know you wanna go with me but it will be too cold for you.
Yeah, I love ya, ya little mutt.
I'd better make sure I have everything.
Did he just say, "I love you" to the dog? My aunt used to say, "Good night, Mr Van der Pump" to a hat rack.
Does he say that to Eddie a lot? I try to give them their privacy.
Sorry, I'm just curious.
I don't want to sound maudlin, but I can't remember Dad ever saying that to me.
You know he's a crusty old git.
Yes, but he says it to Eddie and he said it to Duke on the phone.
Duke and your father go way back.
He's his chum.
And I'm not? When your dad wants to go fishing, at least you could go with him.
You're suggesting that I pretend that I'm enjoying myself just to hear the words "I love you"? Women have been doing it for centuries.
Call me Ishmael.
Look at you! Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough? I dressed in layers.
Polo, Eddie Bauer and Timberland.
You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.
Wait till you see the stuff I got! I had no idea I liked fishing till I realised all the shopping involved.
Graphite poles and Hot Buns.
You microwave them and they stay toasty warm for hours.
Dad, maybe I was a little hasty Here we are.
Some snacks for the trip.
Look at you in your new togs! The fish will see him coming.
The salesmen certainly did.
Dad, I feel bad that I turned you down.
- Don't worry about it.
- Taste this smoked turkey jerky.
Why don't you just ask him? How can I? I said I didn't want to go.
- Delicious! - Don't - Come on, it's getting late.
- Let's hit the road.
Are you sure you're up to the drive? I'm getting some mixed signals.
Do you want to go with us? All right! Better than hearing you nag all the time! Fine! I'll go! Well, this is The ice isn't gonna break.
This lake has been frozen for three months.
I'm sorry, Dad.
When you said a cabin on the lake, this is not what I had in mind.
It's a cabin, it's on the lake.
If it gets warmer, it'll be in the lake.
That was amazing! I've never felt so in touch with nature! For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors! Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "i".
Dad, this is great! - Frasier doesn't think so.
- I'm not complaining.
It's just that I thought it would be something more lake-adjacent.
We're actually going to sleep in here? Who is this rube? Maybe we can trick him into touching his tongue to the bait bucket! No, we're sleeping someplace else.
Just off the highway is the Bed and Bass Motel.
Bed and Bass.
One of the finer fish-themed hotels.
So what do we do? We make a hole in the ice with this thing and start fishing? It's called an auger.
Well, imagine my embarrassment.
- Here's your Hot Buns, Dad.
- Thanks.
- What am I gonna sit on? - The auger's free.
All right, come on.
Here.
I saw that.
I am simply wondering how long we've been sitting here enjoying ourselves.
If the fish aren't peckish, we'll pass the time in good conversation.
This lake was formed by the retreat of glaciers in the Cenozoic era.
Which was the last time anyone caught a fish in it.
How do you know that, Niles? I read it in "Fielding's Geological History of Western Canada".
This very lake is 89 metres deep and boasts 50 varieties of fish! Oh, Alex, I'll take bodies of water for 500.
It has lake trout, rainbow trout, walleyed pike How would you like to sleep with them? You could learn a thing or two about getting into the spirit of things.
I'm hungry and tired of trying to warm up one bun at a time in 20-degree weather! That's negative six degrees Celsius, a system named after the Swedish astronomer and compulsive temperature taker! Niles, switch! - You're on my side.
- I am not.
- You've crossed the border.
- I don't know why I'm here! Why don't you just head back to the Bed and Bass? Just what I need - a five-mile hike in freezing weather! - Take the car and pick us up later.
- Fine.
- There's a hole in my pocket! - You lost the keys? - Where? - If I knew, they wouldn't be lost! - Between here and the car.
- And it's been snowing all day.
Great.
We'll have to stay here all night! By morning, we'll be frozen entrees for wolves! Wait! Is that them over there? - Thank God! - Give me those right now.
Fine, Mr Big Brother.
- Nice catch.
- Me? You throw like a girl! Don't panic.
We'll be fine here.
This happened to me and Duke.
- You dropped your car keys? - We're not idiots.
The battery died.
The three of us were just fine.
- You, Duke and who? - My drinking buddy, Mr James Beam.
I got some fishing supplies, too.
I never thought I'd end up yearning for the Bed and Bass.
- Niles? - Yes, please.
My God, what was that? Just the ice cracking underneath us.
Relax.
It happens all the time.
If we do fall in, we'll have 90 seconds until hypothermia sets in.
One more fact, you're going in that hole! - The walleyed pike - That's enough! Will you guys stop going after each other? We're gonna lighten things up.
We're drinking.
We need a drinking song.
There is a great drinking song from "La Traviata".
"Libiamo Brindisi".
- That's from "Rigoletto".
- It's from "La Traviata".
That was great! - What's the second verse? - I don't know.
It's in Italian! - Another drink? - No, I'll pass on that.
I gotta go use the facilities.
But I'll be right back.
So keep a light on in the window for me.
I'm still thirsty, Niles.
Beam me up! Can I ask you a personal question? - What the hell are you doing here? - What? This Sergeant-Niles-of-the-Yukon act.
- It can't be all to impress Daphne.
- It's not an act.
I've never heard you comment on fish, except to say that the sauce had separated.
All right, I'll tell you.
You promise not to laugh? You'll have to take that hat off.
When you took Dad in I thought I was getting away with something.
But watching you two get closer, I thought maybe I was missing out.
You want him? No, let me finish.
I just feel the need to make a connection.
You've made a connection.
It just seems a bit extreme.
You could've just taken him to Captain Andy's Surf and Turf.
And miss out on the fun of memorising useless fish facts and buying a battery-operated wardrobe? So you're having just as bad a time as I am? Worse.
You have the fun of complaining.
I have to feign enthusiasm.
I really am king of the ninnies, aren't I? Don't be reaching for that sceptre yet.
Wanna know the reason I came up here? Just to hear him say the words "I love you".
What? He said it to Duke, he said it to Eddie.
He's never said to me.
Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie.
You know he loves you.
Of course.
I am being ridiculous.
Look at the guy.
He's content to sit here freezing his buns off because we're here with him.
I just got a little obsessed about hearing it.
You know that Maris loves you, but it's still nice to hear it.
I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.
As they laughed the laugh of the damned.
I did it! I wrote my name! I had to borrow an "n" from Niles, but I did it! You're leaving quite a urological crossword puzzle.
So what were you guys laughing at? - Oh, nothing.
- Don't leave your old man out.
All right.
I was explaining to Niles the reason I drove all this way up here was I was hoping to hear you say, "I love you.
" I leave you for two minutes, and you have to start thinking! Isn't it enough that we're having a good time? Dad Thousands of guys go fishing and love never enters into it.
- Can we just go on fishing? - Sure.
A fisherman in Wisconsin stared into a hole for 20 years before he caught his first fish.
Haven't we been here that long? Just because I didn't say it, doesn't mean I don't feel it.
That's exactly what we were saying.
My dad never said it, but I know he felt it.
Feeling it is the same as saying it.
- You don't have to say it.
- Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanna say it? Your mother used to get all over me about not saying stuff, too.
I can't say it if you're looking at me.
Would it help you if we left? Just for that I'm doing you second.
I don't know why it's so hard.
You can say it.
You said it to Duke.
That's different.
I said, "I love ya.
" Ya! We'd take "ya"! Yeah.
If I'm gonna do it, I'll do it right.
Frasier Frasier I love you.
Niles I love you.
Thanks, Dad.
I love you, too.
And I love you, too.
But I hate ice fishing! It's the last time you'll have to do that.
In that case, I really love you.
- Thanks.
- Look, that's so cute! When you say it to him, he blushes.
I love you.
- Cut it out! - I love you.
- Now, come on! Stop it! - Give us a kiss.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, Officer! - You have to come off the ice.
- We've lost the car keys.
I'll take you to a motel and you can call a locksmith.
- Wonderful idea.
- Thank you.
We love you.
Ya.
We love ya.
We've been drinking a little.