Frasier s04e21 Episode Script

SHERRY: Morning, sunshine.
FRASIER: Morning, Sherry.
- Coffee's on.
Want a cuppa? FRASIER: No, thank you.
Caffeine only weakens the immune system.
I'm fighting off a flu.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me get you some breakfast.
- That's really not necessary.
SHERRY: No.
You'll feel much better once you've had my scrambled-egg tacos and Spam patties.
In keeping with the trusty adage: "Starve a cold, disgust a fever.
" - Tea and dry toast? - Oh, bless you.
- Oh, honey, I was using that.
- Oh, sorry.
Well, no problem.
Listen, why don't you just relax.
I'll clean up later.
You know, not to criticize, but I usually serve Mr Crane whole-grain cereal for breakfast.
- I try to avoid giving him fried foods.
- Oh, Marty loves fried foods.
Yes, well, just because he likes something doesn't mean it's good for him.
True.
But just because something's good for him doesn't mean that he has to be stuck with it day after day.
Oh, looks like it's gonna be another scorcher.
Mm-hm.
Radio said high 90s.
- Yes, it's hot.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess there'll be some more brownouts.
Hate to think what it's gonna do to the crops.
- Dad, please, I'm trying to read.
- Oh, sure.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Oh, double homicide last night.
Yeah, with this heat wave, though, I'm not surprised.
Yeah, wonder what started that.
Perhaps someone wouldn't stop talking about the weather.
Hey, you might be right.
It's a real scorcher out there.
- Morning, handsome.
MARTIN: Oh, hey, hey.
Did I say that before? Before and after.
Please, would you two spare me the single entendre this morning? I'm trying to avoid getting sick.
Well, there's nothing like one of mama's big biscuits if you're fighting something off.
Yes.
I'm sure with good aim, it could bring down an elk.
- How about you, sweetie? - Just half of one for me.
Oh, come on.
It wouldn't hurt you to put on a few pounds.
Men like to see a little oomph in your walk-away.
Yeah, you ought to see them smile when Sherry leaves the room.
I can imagine.
Now, you're so pretty.
I don't understand why men aren't just buzzing around you.
Frasier? You're not seeing anybody.
Here you are, under the same roof, both cute as corn.
- Why don't you? FRASIER: Just stop right there.
I'm trying to have a peaceful morning.
I do not want to be put on the spot, and I do not want to eat some bizarre concoction, and I do not want to discuss the weather.
I just wanna try to conserve energy, sit here and enjoy my paper.
Sure, Fras.
[MOUTHING.]
ROZ: You idiot! I'm gonna break every bone in your fat little body! BULLDOG: If you weren't a girl, and I didn't like this, I'd be pounding you.
Bup, bup, bup! Not another word! - But he - But! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner.
As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurtling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my Oh, dear God, do you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
If you get sick, don't go sneezing on everything.
The last time the Happy Chef had a cold, I was picking lettuce off the mike for a week.
- You will not believe what - Roz, I meant what I said.
I simply cannot deal with other people's problems today.
Well, good news for Mark on line three, whose wife is keeping a pumpkin in a bassinet.
Hey, I know what'll make you feel better.
My friend Lisa's having a singles' party.
I'm supposed to bring someone I'm not interested in, but who's a really good catch.
I need my rest.
Even if I didn't, I do not wanna be poked and prodded by a bunch of desperate alcohol-lubricated husband-hunters.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
- Cheryl from sales was asking.
- Cheryl? The one who, at the last company wedding, hip-checked you into the ice sculpture in a headlong rush to catch the bouquet? That is not what happened.
She thought the bartender said, "Last call.
" Look, Roz, I'm not gonna fight anymore, but I want you to know you said a lot of things that really hurt my feelings.
Fun is fun, but I'm not made of stone.
So I want you to know, as of this moment, we work together, but we are no longer friends.
- Wanna go to a party tonight? - I'm there.
DAPHNE: Ready to do your exercises? - No, in a minute.
- Just a couple more hands.
- You said that half an hour ago.
I must be a bad influence.
Yeah, next thing you know, you'll have me smoking behind the gym.
I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
I want you down on your back in two minutes and no arguments.
Sounds a lot better when you say it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Speaking.
Oh, she did, did she? Well, Sherry was mistaken.
I don't go out with people I've never met.
Thank you anyway.
I can't believe it.
You gave my number to a total stranger! I thought it'd be a nice surprise.
You're not seeing anybody.
Kenny is a great guy.
He said his name was Jack.
Oh, I forgot about Jack.
There's more than one? I hope you're a lot nicer to Kenny when he calls.
He has a boat.
Why don't you just squeeze me into a pair of hot pants and drop me off down by the docks? [MAN COUGHING.]
Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy if you didn't wake up on the wrong side of no one every morning.
That's your answer to everything: Sex.
It's like you're part rabbit.
People ought to rub your feet for luck.
You don't wanna say anything you're gonna regret.
Now, you're acting like a couple of fishwives.
See, I'm regretting that one already.
Maybe I'd be less touchy if I hadn't spent half the day cleaning up after you, and the other half on the phone with the garbage-disposal repairman because one of your bloody big biscuits broke the blade.
That's a lot of B words for a little girl.
Here's one you forgot! - Don't you dare.
- What do you mean, don't I dare? [SHOUTING.]
MARTIN: Come on Is Seattle experiencing a Prozac shortage?! Daphne and Sherry are having a little problem.
Actually, maybe you can settle it.
It was all I could do to get through my show.
King Solomon has split his last baby for the day.
My health is hanging by a thread.
[CHATTER.]
FRASIER: Bup, bup, bup! You're just gonna have to settle this amongst yourselves.
Quietly.
You've got a lot of nerve talking to me that way.
Me? You're the one who started it.
Didn't she, Martin? - You're not putting me in this.
- I didn't start anything.
You've had your big conk in my business all day! - That better mean nose! - And what if it doesn't? - Oh! - Hey, come on! Knock it off! Now, I said I didn't wanna get involved in this, but Oh, Daphne, you know, Sherry was only trying to be nice.
DAPHNE: Of course you'd take her side.
She's the one who keeps your hammertoes warm at night.
- What the hell's that mean? - Well, figure it out.
Oh, come on, Daph [BABY CHIRPING.]
[DOOR BUZZING.]
Ow! Ow! Ow! Baby, go to your perch.
Go to your perch.
Daphne.
I'm so sorry to bother you, Dr Crane, but I had an awful row with Sherry, and I can't go back there.
I tried a couple of my girlfriends, but they weren't home.
So may I spend the night here? Relax, Dr Crane.
I'm just unbuttoning your shirt.
Are you feeling any better? Yes.
I don't know what happened.
My knees never buckled like that before.
The wine and the heat must have made me dizzy.
Yeah, it is rather steamy in here.
I apologize for the lack of air conditioning.
It seems in order to live in an exclusive landmark building, one must be willing to sweat through the odd heat wave like a tortured character in a Tennessee Williams play.
I can't imagine what you must be thinking.
Me barging in, asking to spend the night.
Well, gee, I'm just thinking so many things.
Sherry just makes me so mad.
She's been giving my number to strange men so they'll call and ask me out.
How dare she.
Why would she do such a thing? - Because she says I'm too rigid.
- Oh, nonsense.
- And that I'm too picky.
- Poppycock.
And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
Just to play devil's advocate - Don't tell me you agree with her.
- No.
No, it's much too hot for hell to have frozen over.
I mean, it's like caveman thinking.
"All Daphne needs is a quick roll in the hay.
" - Yes, well - "A little slap and tickle would solve all her problems.
" Yeah.
The worst part is I think she might be right.
Maybe part of why I got so mad at her is because she hit a nerve.
That's very possible.
I mean, I've been keeping myself on the shelf lately.
I'm feeling a little like the good china.
Someone should be eating off you every day.
Music? Lovely.
You know, I hope this doesn't sound terribly forward, but Oh, I'm so hot.
I'd really love to get out of these sweaty clothes.
Would it be all right if I took a cool bath? Yes, of course.
- It's upstairs.
Third door on your left.
- Thank you.
There are fresh towels in the linen closet.
Use the Indian cotton.
It'll be more gentle on your skin.
Oh, Dr Crane, you're always thinking of me.
You have no idea.
DAPHNE: Dr Crane? Oh, that fan feels good.
Oh, dear.
Sorry about the fan.
- Oh, no.
That's quite all right.
- There we go.
Thank you for lending me your dressing gown.
Don't you just love the feel of silk on your skin? Oh, yes, there's nothing quite like it.
Passion fruit? - Thank you.
- Here you are.
You know, if you keep treating me like this, I'll never want to leave.
Champagne? You shouldn't have.
I love champagne, but it's It's a drink for two, and I never have anyone to share it with.
Yes, there are things you miss when you're on your own.
Champagne.
Another person's touch.
Even if it's just holding hands.
I guess you've been missing that sort of thing too, since you and Mrs Crane split up.
Actually, Maris never held hands.
She had a slight webbing.
It made her self-conscious.
DAPHNE: Well l'm sure there are other intimacies you miss.
Well, naturally, I still have a longing for - That is, I have a desire to have - Sex? - Fruit? - Pardon? - I mean, yes, sex.
- I'd love some.
- I mean fruit.
- Fruit, yes.
- Although sex is good too.
- Oh, well I'm sorry, Dr Crane.
I guess I just have sex on the mind tonight.
NILES: Well Well, that happens.
This weather doesn't help, does it? The heat gets inside you.
It makes you so aware of your body.
It's like nature's way of letting you know you're still an animal.
God, it's hot in here.
- Getting hotter every minute.
- Ice? Oh, yes, I could use some right now.
Oh, yes.
That is better.
Where's your piece? Melted.
I'll get another.
You know, unless it cools down, I'm afraid we won't be getting much sleep tonight.
Shame we have just the one fan.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Yes, that is a shame.
The two of us and just one fan.
Well, of course, you're the host.
You take it.
No, no, no.
I couldn't sleep at all knowing you were in the next room all hot and hot.
Well, I suppose under the circumstances, we could both sleep in the same room.
It does oscillate.
- What? - The fan.
[PAGER BEEPING.]
- Oh, dear.
- What? It's time to take my pills.
I forgot all about them.
- They're back at the apartment.
- What pills? It's my thyroid.
Nothing serious, just a bit overactive.
If I don't take my pills, I tend to faint dead away.
What's the point of having a fainting couch if you can't use it? I'll just run over and get them.
I'll come right back.
No.
We'll go together, and I'll run up for you.
If you and Sherry get in the same room you might make up more reasons to fight with one another.
MARTIN: Well, you did the best you could.
SHERRY: I know, but I suppose I shouldn't have gotten on her so hard.
MARTIN: She's trying to do stuff here.
SHERRY: I know.
MARTIN: It's true.
That's right too.
We don't have much privacy either.
SHERRY: But I think Kenny is the perfect person.
MARTIN: Kenny would be great.
SHERRY: Don't you think so? Nilesie! - Where did you come from? - What're you doing here? Daphne's taking refuge at my apartment for the night.
I just stopped by - to get a few of her things.
- Back.
You were just gonna let us worry all night? - I was gonna tell you on my way out.
MARTIN: This is stupid.
I'm gonna call her and get her back here.
We'll work this out.
It's a waste of time.
She's so upset, there's no way she will ever set foot in this apartment tonight.
If you don't believe me, you can ask her yourself.
I just remembered, my pills aren't in the cabinet.
They're on the dresser.
What courage, pulling yourself together.
Just scurry to the car, I'll only be a moment.
MARTIN: Daphne.
Sherry and I talked, and we really feel bad about this.
The whole thing is just a misunderstanding.
If you want, I suppose we could sit down and talk it out.
Well, I suppose we could.
NILES: Obviously, these two wildcats can't come to terms.
The best thing will be for them to be apart.
- I know.
I'm a psychiatrist.
SHERRY: No, no, no.
Your dad is right.
Now, Daphne just misunderstood.
I didn't exactly misunderstand.
You did set me up with a total stranger.
Oh, but he's not a stranger.
He comes in the bar all the time.
Oh, a barfly.
Much better.
- Oh, there you go again.
- Me?! You know, you two are really a lot alike.
SHERRY: No, we're not! - I am not like her! SHERRY: How can you say that? NILES: Talk amongst yourselves.
SHERRY: I mean, all I was trying to do - He's probably an alcoholic! - He is not an alcoholic.
You think I'd let you go out with a? Oh, honey DAPHNE: A busybody, that's what you are.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
MARTIN: Frasier? I'm taking a bath.
Bubbles? They're aroma-therapeutic.
And exactly what part of "I'm taking a bath" did you take to mean "Come on in"? Well, I'm sorry to tax your delicate system, but Daphne's back, and she and Sherry are at again, and now she says she's gonna stay overnight with Niles, and this is your department.
Unless blood has been spilled, and on a carpeted area, I don't care.
- Now get out.
SHERRY: Oh, there you are.
Marty, I tried, but that girl has no manners whatsoever.
- Hey, Frasier.
- Do you mind?! I knew I'd find you in here.
Whatever they're telling you, it's not true.
- Daphne, you can't come in here.
- Why not? She can.
No, she can't! No one can! Frasier, have you no decency? Daphne, let's go.
All right, I am moments away from succumbing once and for all to this flu, but I will take one stab at this, and then I am going to sink hippopotamus-like beneath the bubbles.
I think what this all comes down to is a dispute over turf.
Daphne and Sherry are like two animals scent-marking their territory, which in this case is you, Dad.
You couldn't come up with a less disgusting comparison? All right, fine.
It's like the Roman Emperor Tiberius.
His mother, Livia, and wife, Vipsania.
- What? - Huh? - Who? - Go on.
FRASIER: All right.
Daphne, your primary role in this household is to take care of Dad.
Sherry, you also enjoy taking care of Dad.
I suspect that your attempts to find Daphne a boyfriend are really an unconscious ploy to get her out of the way.
It's unconscious.
Daphne, actually, you're threatened by this.
You feel that you're no longer needed.
I have been feeling a bit unwanted lately.
A night without your services will have them singing a different tune.
Let's go.
Yes, Niles, no one's gonna be singing anything tonight, all right? Daphne.
I think we now all understand why you stormed out of here earlier.
A strong emotion like not feeling wanted can drive anyone to a rash and impulsive act.
Yes, it nearly did.
I mean, yes, it did.
Yes, well, at the root of this, you're both just feeling insecure.
Exactly.
It very possibly could've been avoided if Dad had been sensitive enough to remind you that you're both important in his life.
What're you saying, that it's my fault? Well, I must admit, a few reassuring words might just have done the trick.
Marty does have difficulty expressing his feelings.
No, I don't.
- Oh, Sherry - Oh, save it, honey.
- It wasn't our fault.
- Yes, it was! You said that she was skinny, and you said she was a bigmouth.
That is not important.
- We all feel better now.
- Well, I don't.
Well, all right, look, I am running out of patience.
I am running out of strength.
And I'm running out of bubbles.
Please, the lecture has ended! - You're a good psychiatrist, Dr Crane.
- You sure are, hon.
You see, Marty? It isn't just a lot of hooey.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh.
Please, Niles.
Look, unconsciously, you knew that it wasn't right.
That's why you brought Daphne back here.
No, we came back to fetch her damn thyroid pills.
You're a doctor.
Why didn't you just use your prescription pad? Oh, my God.
Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building? NILES: Oh, my God.