Frasier s07e04 Episode Script

Until tomorrow, then, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane wishing you Hmm? Oh, yes.
Be sure to tune in later for the final broadcast of KACL's lovable curmudgeon, Chester Ludgate.
You know, most of us here at the station were surprised to hear that he was retiring.
I, for one, thought he'd never leave.
(sighs) So, should we order a pizza? Hmm? Sorry? Those PSAs you promised you'd help me with are due tomorrow.
Oh, gosh, Roz, I really am sorry.
You know, it seems Mrs.
Delafield's daughter is coming here to join us as an intern.
I promised Kenny I'd show her around and take her to dinner.
Oh, so while I'm working late, eating my vending machine dinner, you'll be out having a gourmet meal with some cute, rich girl? Oh, you can make anything sound unfair.
Hey, Doc.
Kenny.
And whom have we here? Dr.
Frasier Crane, I'd like you to meet Miss Poppy Delafield.
Well, got to run.
Poppy.
What a pleasure to meet the daughter of our beloved station owner.
Well so, what brings you to KACL, hmm? Well I was in Paris last month-- or was it Madrid? No.
Paris-- and I said to myself "that's enough gallivanting for you, young lady.
"It's time you get a job.
" So, I flew home and asked my mother, Mummy, if I could nose around and see if some job, you know, spoke to me at one of her TV stations or radio stations or newspapers but not her brewery-- thank you very much! So, here I am.
Uh-huh.
Sleeves rolled up, ready to learn.
Well, good for you.
Is this where you do your show?! Yes, it is Of course it is.
There's your mike right in front of me.
Earth to Poppy! Oh, there's Gil.
I met him earlier.
Hi, Gil! Hey Um Nice man.
I think it's marvelous what you do-- to really help people, unlike the psychiatrists I've been to, both of whom had some sort of-- I don't know-- narcolepsy.
I sympathize.
But if you can't stay awake, don't be a psychiatrist! But to do what you do, to face that microphone day after day and know that for the next three hours you're going to have to talk and talk and talk I could not do it! I would freeze! Literally freeze! (phone ringing) I mean Excuse me.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, Dad.
All right, all right, calm down, calm down.
Was there much blood? Oh, my gosh! All right, Dad, I'll be there as soon as I can.
Hang on a second.
I'm terribly sorry.
There's a small emergency at home.
I'm going to have to pass on dinner.
May I take a rain check? Oh, and we were having such a nice chat.
Yes, well, I Oh, this is Roz Doyle, my producer.
You know, Roz, I'll gladly do those promos if you would be so kind as to take Poppy to dinner and answer her questions.
Sure! If you don't get bored listening to me drone on about radio.
Oh, I don't think there's much chance of that.
Eddie, come on, get in here.
What the hell's happening? Well remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat how proud I was? I told you that story, right? Yes, Dad, you told us.
If you'd had a guitar, you'd have written a ballad.
Well, we were just down in the basement, and I saw another rat.
I said, "Go get him, boy.
" So, just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, I hear this little bell tinkling.
And I thought, "Well, that's funny.
Rats don't wear bells.
" Oh, my God, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.
Yes, I read that flyer.
He was offering a ten-dollar reward.
Well, the most we can claim at this point is about $6.
50.
Oh, my! You know what? Dad, this is actually your fault, you know.
If you hadn't encouraged him after he killed his first rat, he wouldn't have moved on to murdering hamsters.
Well, what are you talking about? We don't know it was Eddie who killed him.
He might have had a heart attack or-or some kind of seizure when he bounced off the boiler.
(doorbells rings) (groans) Niles.
Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner.
Cancel our dinner.
I've scored us two seats, front row, for the event of the season.
You mean? Yes! But I know.
Niles! I love it when they do it this way.
I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.
My God! No, Dad! It's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert.
My God, it's been sold out for months! How on earth did you ever score these tickets? I simply phoned the box office and said, "This is Niles Crane, the new arts critic forThe Monocle.
" (Frasier gasping) DAPHNE: The Monocle? Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings? And the snootiest hotels.
How did this happen, Niles? I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Swarbreck.
Mm-hmm, yes.
The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there, too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein.
Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed, until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated.
" I assume you pounced! Like a ninja! By the time I'd finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
She fired him right there? Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.
Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order.
You know, who would have thought, my little brother, a professional music critic.
Oh, oh, and not just music.
I can review anything I want: Theater, dance, art exhibits.
You don't say? Yes.
From now on wherever we go, I'll be armed with my trusty pad and pen light.
Wherever we go.
What fun! (chuckling): Yes.
I have to take a damp cloth to these opera glasses-- although I don't know what we use them for sitting in the front row.
Unless it's to scan the faces of the jealous people behind us.
So are you, uh, sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job? Why wouldn't I be, Dad? Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something that the other one doesn't have.
It's just like when you were kids.
Niles had a telescope, you had to have a telescope.
You got that funny-looking guitar, Niles had Dad, it was called a lute.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Okay.
Dad, believe me, I do not envy Niles his critic's job.
But as kids, we would aggravate the situation by flaunting our toys in each other's faces.
We're much more mature than that now.
All right? Niles, you know what? It's about time we got going.
We don't want to be late for the curtain.
Don't be silly.
I'm press now.
They'll hold it.
POPPY: So, that's how it ends.
B-minus average, ten extra pounds and still no boyfriend! I see Poppy's having a little party.
That is not a party.
That's a hostage situation.
ThankGod today is her last day.
You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story.
I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!" GIL: Dear God! I thought I'd never break free.
I feel like a mongoose at the mercy of a chatty cobra.
Oh! Hello, all.
I oh, I see you already have theTimes.
I'm quoted there today.
In theTimes? Yes.
Here, it's in this ad for Shaw'sSaint Joan.
"Incandescent.
Niles Crane,The Monocle.
" ROZ: Wow! Excuse me while I go tell all my friends I know you.
(chuckling) Oh (yawning) Forgive me.
Hmm.
Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company.
I'm rubbing some pretty impressive shoulders these days.
And to think, it's all because I have a small column.
That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation.
If I were to review that attitude, I'd say it was a chilling portrait of malice and envy.
Oh, Niles, I'm not the least bit envious that you get to spout off in that glorified cat box liner.
You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours-- that the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs up.
I think we both know what your thumb's up these days.
That's a good one, Frasier.
Perhaps you should use it in your column.
Oh, that's right, you don't have one! That smug jackass! Frasier, you have a radio show.
If you wanted to say what you thought of a play, who's stopping you? It's not the same thing as being a real critic, Roz.
You don't get free tickets.
You don't get quoted.
Forget hobnobbing.
My God, this competition between you and your brother is sick.
Your obsessive one-upmanship.
You're both going to end up bitter, old cranks like Chester Ludgate.
You do raise a good point, Roz.
Thank you.
Chester's time slot is free.
I could do my own arts show.
Yes.
Kenny, Kenny.
Listen, Roz just had the most wonderful idea.
Yeah, Doc? What do you say about yours truly hosting a a bouncy little show about the arts in Seattle? Culture Wow.
Oh, it-it's a great idea.
Let me chew on that, and I'll, uh, I'll get back to you.
Great! You see, Roz? He loved your idea.
That was not my idea.
It was, too, your idea.
It was not Doc? I feel kind of bad about what I just did.
I, uh, I let you think that there was a chance that I might let you do this culture show and, uh, there's not.
No chance at all? No.
Oh.
I mean, come on, Doc.
You, culture, opera.
Who's listening? (chuckling) Not me! Damn! I think my show's a good idea.
Kenny's the station manager, and he doesn't.
Yes, you know, frankly, i didn't like his attitude.
He acts like he owns the station, but he doesn't.
Someone else does.
Poppy! The next best thing.
Her mother! No.
Poppy! Oh, right.
Hi, Frasier! Hello, Poppy.
Gosh, would you care to join me? Oh, I can't.
Mummy's taking me shopping.
She spoils me something horrible.
I guess it's an only-child thing.
Anything I want, i just have to ask.
Anything you want? Oh, well, isn't that interesting.
You know, Poppy, perhaps, um, we could, uh, join each other for lunch after your shopping spree.
I'd love it! Would you really? It seems a shame you leaving the station and us never having really gotten to know one another.
Oh, it hasn't been easy-- i mean, with your having those dental appointments every day.
Oh, yes.
Well, you know, let me walk you out.
I should get the name of your dentist.
I can't find one I like.
They're always giving me Novocain when I don't need it and then it's hours before I can talk again.
Oh, yes, well I could give you his number although I'm not sure he'd be any different.
(symphonic music ending) Divine Beethoven.
It's extraordinary, isn't it? Ah, yes.
And you know what makes it even more amazing? What? He was deaf! Daphne, uh more pate, please.
Poppy, I-I can't tell you how wonderful it is to meet someone who shares my passion for the arts.
It's a rare thing to find in Seattle, believe me.
Is it? Oh, yes, sadly.
If only more people were better informed about our city's rich cultural treasures.
Ah but what can we, as mere radio folk, do? Well What about a radio show all about the arts in Seattle? Oh, my God, Poppy, that's a wonderful idea! How do you do it? You just pull these things out of the air.
Oh, heavens.
Of course, we'll have to find ourselves a proper host.
But who? Well, someone very smart Oh, indeed.
And cultured Bien sur.
And with a lovely speaking voice.
Oh, I don't think we need to look too far.
Here you go.
It's very rich so don't spread it on too thick.
Frasier, I'm so glad you're on board with this.
You know, my only concern is, will Kenny go for it? You see, he's a bit of a philistine.
It might be better if the suggestion came not actually from us but from someone else.
Who? Well, someone with more authority, power influence.
Someone older.
A woman, perhaps.
Your mother.
He means your mother.
Oh Great idea! I'll call her.
Oh, here, here, use mine.
(laughing): Oh thank you.
Hello, Mummy? I'm with Frasier Crane, and we think there should be an arts show on KACL.
But I really like this idea.
So you'll call Kenny and tell him you want this, okay? Love you, too.
Okay, bye.
And the first show should be? Why don't we start tomorrow? But we'll need something to review.
(gasps) That revival ofA Streetcar Named Desireopens tonight.
Splendid! Let's go together.
All right I'll see you at the theater.
(both laughing) Oh, Poppy (baby talk): Hewwo, widdle Eddie! Did you have a good walk?! Actually, we've just been to the vet's.
I had the cutest little dog when I was young named Mr.
Oops.
Every time we took him to the vet, he You took Eddie to the vet? Is he sick? MARTIN: No.
Turns out the building security camera caught Eddie taking out Robbie Greenberg's hamster.
So this Greenberg kid's trying to make Eddie out to be some kind of pit bull.
He's organizing some petition to get him banned from the building.
Oh, Dad, that's terrible.
Yeah, it is.
So, uh, I don't know.
I just wanted everybody to see what a nice, calm, friendly dog Eddie was.
So why'd you take him to the vet? Tranquilizers.
They don't even work anyway.
I gave Eddie one of those pills on the ride home.
They didn't do a thing to him.
I don't know.
I think maybe he needs something else.
Uh, Mr.
Crane (doorbell rings) Looks like all he needs is a lava lamp and some sitar music.
Niles! Well, uh, I'm glad to see you're in a better mood.
I-I was hoping you'd lend me your Tennessee Williams biography.
I have to review that revival ofStreetcartonight, and I wanted to throw in some background stuff.
Well, I'm sorry, Niles.
You know, normally I would, except that I'm going to be needing it myself for my own review.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'll Wha? What? Oh, that's right-- you wouldn't have heard.
You see, starting tomorrow, I'll be doing my own little arts show on KACL, twice weekly.
You envious reptile.
Pate? I achieve one thing, one tiny distinction you don't have, and what do you do? You run whining to Kenny for extra air time.
I did no such thing.
No.
He went to that Poppy woman instead.
Poppy? Is this a panel discussion? You loathe Poppy.
I do not.
I think she's delightful.
Isn't she? She's an idiot.
You conniving copycat.
You have to have whatever I have.
I do not have what you have.
My audience is twice as large as yours is.
Oh, well, at least my audience can read.
How dare you review my audience! NILES: I'll review whatever I want! I've never seen him like this-- eyes bulging, tongue lolling out Oh, he always gets that way when he fights with Niles.
Good morning, Roz.
Oh, hi.
(chuckling) You ready for our debut? Listen, I'm thinking of calling the show "Frasier Crane's Aisle Say" but with the "I'll" spelled like a theater "aisle.
" That should work real well on radio.
You better watch out for Kenny.
I hear he's pretty mad at you for going over his head.
Oh, he can't be mad at me.
The whole thing was Poppy's idea.
Oh.
Here she is now, come to wish me luck.
(chuckling) Poppy.
I was afraid I wouldn't get here on time.
Oh, here, here.
We've got a few minutes before the show starts.
Take a seat.
Catch your breath.
Oh, gosh, I'm really glad you made it.
It wouldn't be a proper debut without you.
Wow.
All these buttons.
How do you do it? Oh, it's not that complicated, really.
You know, I turn on the mike here, these are my call buttons and, uh oh, I push this button here if I want to cough.
How does it make you cough? You know, Poppy, I hate to rush you, but we've just got a couple of minutes before the show, so Whoo! I'd better get a move on.
(laughing) Poppy, what are you doing? Getting ready for my show.
One minute.
Yourshow? Well, okay,ourshow.
After all, it was your idea for me to do it.
Everyone! Everyone, come in here, please.
Before I begin my new show, I just want to say a few words.
Yesterday, I was ready to leave KACL to run away, as I have from so many other challenges.
It was the support of one man-- Frasier Crane-- that helped me overcome the shyness many of you may have observed in me and to follow my dreams.
Oh, God I want to cry.
We all do.
ROZ: Ten seconds! (Poppy yells) How could you do this to us? I had no idea she intended to stay.
That's not what her mother told me.
And I thought I'd seen some cruel pranks in the army.
I assure you, she is way out of her depth here.
Any moment she'll realize she's in over head, and she'll be begging me to take over for her.
"A Streetcar Named Desire "is a very powerful Broadway play.
"It was made into a movie starring Marlon Brando.
"This gave the play "a very personal relevance for me "as I once sat next to Mr.
Brando "on the Concorde, and we had a very lovely chat until a sudden cramp forced him to change seats.
" "Streetcar "tells the tragic tale of Blanche DuBois (with Southern accent): "who's a very genteel "very proper Southern lady (deep voice): or is she?" Go ahead, Niles.
I know you were listening.
Well I wish you'd lent her your Tennessee Williams biography.
She wouldn't have kept forgetting his name and calling him Indiana Jones.
If it's any consolation, I got fired fromThe Monocle.
Oh, Niles, I'm sorry.
Mm.
I panned a wretched musical not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.
She fired you just to placate her hairdresser? Electrolysist.
And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.
Oh, I am sorry, Niles.
Gosh, it's such a shame, really.
You know, I know how much you loved that job and to lose it in such an unceremonious fashion.
Well, you know I was thinking of quitting that job anyway.
Oh? Mm-hmm.
I felt I was spreading myself too thin.
Getting distracted from my real work.
I had the exact same thought.
Even as I was preparing my show, I thought, "Am I being fair to my regular listeners?" They do depend on you.
As do your patients.
Thank you.
Gosh, you know, is it any wonder we find ourselves ex-critics? We were meant to lose those jobs.
It's as if the Gods of psychiatry, jealous of our dalliance, have quietly stepped in and put things right.
Well put.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You know, Niles, if you're feeling a bit hungry, we could catch an early dinner and then Oh, oh, and then catch the new Stoppard play.
Splendid! You know, it's just a shame my listeners never got to hear my review ofStreetcar.
Oh, insightful, was it? Groundbreaking.
Mm, as was mine.
Yes, well, it takes a psychiatrist to interpret that play.
Mm-hmm.
Indeed.
All right, you go first.
All right.
Go.
"A descent into madness proves well worth the trip in this incandescent revival ofA Streetcar Named Desire.
" Just a moment, Niles.
Incandescent-- isn't that the same tired word you used for that Saint Joan review? For God's sake Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Oh, my And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Thank you!