Frasier s07e05 Episode Script

ROZ: I'm sorry I brought Alice today, when we have so much work to do.
FRASIER: Oh, that's all right, Roz.
You know what? You'll find another nanny soon.
I'd better.
Yeah.
I have a date tomorrow.
It's my first one in a month.
Amonth.
Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.
Well don't tell Alice that.
It might hurt her feelings.
(baby crying) Whoop, there we go again.
Okay.
Thanks.
Mm-hmm! Hello.
Hello.
Hello, boys.
Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator.
All right, Niles, that's enough.
Yes, I like the suit you got me.
All right, well, tell me about the comments.
Did everybody there ooh and ahh? No.
People were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket.
So, Dad, how was the funeral? Oh, it was terrible.
It's not at all the way Stan would've wanted it.
They did everything on the cheap.
And that daughter of his-- she didn't even get the good priest.
She got some rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy and couldn't even pronounce "Wojadubakowski.
" Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad.
I had rather a bad day on the death front, myself.
Uh, sherry? Yes, please, Niles.
I received a letter today informing me that, thanks to my divorce, I've lost my plot at Seattle's toniest cemetery.
You mean you're out of Verdant Hills? Oh, I am sorry, Niles.
I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there.
They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds.
Mm.
FRASIER: I don't blame you.
One country club fire, you can kiss your chances good-bye.
I went to all sorts of funerals as a child.
My uncle's a mortician.
Lovely man.
He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
I can just hear the whispers now.
"Did you see the bride? Very lifelike.
" Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well.
Rest assured, when the time comes-- years from now-- Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter.
Thank you.
By the way, Dad, whatareyour wishes? Never mind.
I'm not gonna go planning my own funeral.
It's bad luck.
But, Dad Nuh-uh-uh.
You don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off.
Pull the what on the what? I don't I'm surprised-- I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements.
Yeah, I know, it's a painful subject, but we've got to plan for it.
We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
(hard knocking) Would you get that? I most certainly will not.
Pizza.
Oh, thank you very much.
Bulldog.
Good Lord.
Oh, come in, come in.
Oh, heavens.
Oh, you remember my brother, Niles.
Niles, you remember Bulldog.
Yes, of course.
Hello, Bulldog.
So, you're delivering pizzas for a living? Uh, no, I'm an eccentric millionaire.
This has always been my dream.
Bulldog, I can't tell you how sorry I am Hey, no, no, no, no.
Can the sad face, okay? I'm just making some extra cash between radio gigs.
Well Oh, it's 18 bucks, by the way.
Oh, right.
You know, I-I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets.
I'll be on my way.
Oh, thank you, Niles.
By the way, I'm a little short of cash.
Do you mind, uh? Oh, yes.
Thank you.
(whispers): Let's see (muttering) There you are.
And, uh a little something extra for you.
Wow.
That's a pretty generous tip.
Oh, I'll say-- wrong bill.
Hey, good luck, Doc.
I'll see ya.
Thanks, Bulldog.
Take care.
All right.
Bulldog.
Oh, Roz.
Are you delivering pizzas? Yeah, yeah.
This is kind of awkward, huh? Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.
A job's a job.
No, I mean awkward for you.
This is the first time you've seen me since, uh, we had that fling and I dumped you.
I dumpedyou,pizza boy.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, look who's here.
Hey, sweet pea, you are getting so big.
Hey, look at that smile; she likes me.
She's relieved not to be the least-mature person in the room anymore.
Who's got a mean old mommy? (softly): Roz? Listen, I think you may have solved your baby-sitting problem.
Bulldog? Are you nuts? Yes, well, look.
Alice is obviously crazy about him.
He could use the money.
(coos) I don't know.
Oh, okay, fine.
Fine, Roz, you just cancel your date.
I mean, you've been this long without a man.
What's a few days more? Bulldog, do you want a job? BULLDOG: Okay, come on, one more bite and we can watch Sportscenter.
Have you seen my purse? Yeah, it's on the chair.
Oh.
Steve is going to be here any minute.
So, you been dating for a while? Actually, no.
Tonight's our first date.
In fact, it's my first date in a month.
Whoa, you injured? You pull something? No.
I guess, uh, no one quite measured up to that week you spent in the doghouse, huh? Let's get one thing straight.
That little fling we had is way over.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I was joking.
Okay.
Well, okay, if you're not going to have some peaches we got some Jell-O in the fridge, huh? You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.
(knock at door) Oh, who's that? Who's that? Let's go see let's go see who it is.
Hey.
Oh! Excuse me.
Is this Roz Doyle's apartment? Yeah, yeah.
You her date? Yeah.
Listen up.
You go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it down your throat, and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating.
Hey, who's my pretty girl? Huh? Hmm? Okay, dirtball, as soon as you get out of here you call Roz, and you cancel like a gentleman.
And, as far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place.
Got it? Uh whoareyou? I'm your worst nightmare: The baby-sitter.
Okay, time to brush your toothies.
Whoa! Do I look slutty? All right, if you're fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.
(phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Stephen.
Oh, really.
Well, tomorrow's Saturday.
I mean, you won't have to (sighs) No, it's okay.
Yeah, bye.
I don't believe it.
My first date in a month, and he blows me off.
At the last minute? What a jerk.
He does not deserve you.
Thanks, Bulldog.
Yeah Well, I guess I can go.
Oh! I ordered a pizza.
Uh, just, uh, have him drop it by my place.
Oh.
Oh, I'm at the YMCA.
Oh, have him, uh well, have him knock hard.
I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens.
Why don't you just stay and have your pizza? Well, are you sure? Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight.
Okay.
Come and tell us what you guys did at the park today.
Ah! We fed the ducks.
We went on a pony ride and came back for a whole jar of peas.
Peas? How'd you get her to eat those? Oh, there's a trick to it-- you got to pretend to sneeze them out of your nose.
How'd you come up with that? It's an interesting story.
Actually, don't tell me.
(murmuring voices) NILES: Frasier.
FRASIER: Oh.
Good afternoon, Niles.
NILES: Coffee's on me.
I'm back in Verdant Hills Cemetery.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Nothing left now but all that pesky waiting.
(both chuckling) I haven't gotten the official word yet, but, uh, I've called in a favor.
Bruce Mcguirk is on the board of directors.
I gave him grief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea.
And it occurred to me-- there's a plot gone begging.
Tell me something.
Do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead? No, Roz.
But there is a rumor about a Tweety Bird on your upper thigh.
(chuckles) I had two dates this week, and both of them have bailed out on me at the last second.
What's wrong with me? Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz.
Yeah, right.
No, no.
There's a young man over there who can't take his eyes off you.
He's been staring at you ever since you came in.
(gasps) That's Ted from the ad department.
We've been making eye contact for months.
Oh, yes, Ted.
Well, his gaze is so steamy, it's re-foaming my latte.
(both laugh) Why don't you go over there and talk with him? I can't.
I don't know what to say.
I'll tell you what, ask him to dinner.
I'm going to Chez Henri myself this evening.
I'll call and get you a table.
Oh, I don't know; I'm feeling a little gun-shy.
Roz, you'd better hurry.
If he sees you talking to me another minute longer, he'll think he's got some serious competition.
(laughs) Thank you, Frasier.
I needed a good laugh to loosen me up.
Go.
Yes, hello, Henri.
It's Frasier Crane.
(phone rings) Yes, I was just wondering-- I'd like to get a table for a dear friend of mine tonight, as well.
Niles Crane here.
Hello, Bruce.
I hope you're calling with good news about Verdant Hills.
Table for two.
Yes, a plot for one.
By the kitchen? Oh, Lord, I was hoping for something near the fireplace.
Near the parking lot? I'd prefer the Serenity Garden.
Oh, the back room would be fine.
Uh, who's at the next table? The hilltop is divine.
Who's in the adjacent plot? The Ashby's? Wonderful.
The Ashby's? Delightful.
Thank you very much.
I'm so grateful.
Ahh Mcguirk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
You mean? Yes.
I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Oh, Niles.
Checkmate! (laughing) He said yes.
Well, of course, he did, Roz.
Congratulations.
And you're all set at Chez Henri.
Great.
BULLDOG: Okay! What sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a kid? This stinks! This is total b.
s.
! This Oh found it, found it.
Listen, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you.
Hey, Alice.
Can you baby-sit tonight? I just got a date with Ted over there.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, sure, I can stay.
Hey, way to go, slugger.
Thanks.
I'd better go home and get ready.
Hey, you go ahead.
I'll, uh I'll catch up with you after I hit the can.
Oh.
Lovely.
Hey, Ted.
Right? Bulldog.
Long time no see.
Yeah.
Hey, I hear you're going out with Roz tonight.
Yeah.
Listen up.
You have her home after you pick her up, or you'll be sorry.
(chuckles): Yeah? Hmm.
What are you going to do about it? (snapping) Oh, my God! If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to you.
Okay, 45 minutes.
Or else.
Hey, boys, feel like taking a ride? Uh Well, sure, Dad.
Where to? Well, I got thinking about what we were talking the other night, you know, about me not having made any arrangements for myself, and so I just went out, and I bought myself a burial plot.
(chuckling) Wow.
All right.
Let's go have a look, Dad.
Yeah.
You know, I'm glad to see you finally realized there's no point in being superstitious about the whole thing.
No, I realized, if I let you plan my funeral, that it'd be all harps, white wine, and, frankly, a lot of very pissed-off cops.
Right up here on the left.
Got the whole service mapped out.
It'll start with a bagpipe a-marching down the aisle.
Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding.
You knew that.
And none of that dainty finger food either-- big slabs of beef, prime rib.
You can't have prime rib.
I'm having prime rib.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
No, no, this is lovely.
If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything.
All right, I'll drop the bagpipes.
No, no, have the bagpipes.
What else are you gonna have? A big cake with a little white coffin on the top? Oh, just put a sock in it, will ya? Wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearse with "Just buried" on the side of it.
Don't start! I'm warning you! Pretty great, huh? Mm-hmm.
Mmm! Yeah.
And I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left, because that was her side of the bed and, um Oh! See how close we are to the maintenance shed? Mmm.
And that's good because You're the first one to get mowed.
Yeah.
So, do you really like this place? Yes, Dad.
Oh uh, Fras, take about three steps over to your left, will you? Keep going, keep going.
Oh.
There you are.
Niles, stand right next to him.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Congratulations, you're standing on your very own graves.
What?! (laughs): Yes! Well, they were for sale, so I went ahead and bought them.
And, after seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did.
Oh Oh, but, Dad Aw, I know what you're going to say-- the expense, but don't worry about it.
Merry Christmas.
(door opening) (sighs heavily) Sorry we had to rush out like that.
Me, too.
Is your stomach feeling any better? Um not really.
Can I get you some ginger ale or (cracking) I really better go now.
Wait.
She's asleep, Roz.
Don't worry, I won't disturb you and Where's Ted? He ditched me.
What?! He kept saying his stomach was bothering him, but he was looking at his watch the whole time.
What is wrong with men? It's not him.
It's me.
This has been happening all week.
No, no, no, no.
Trust me.
It is not you.
Those guys are jerks.
Thanks, Bulldog.
Hey, oh, look, if you're hungry, I I was just whipping up a little something.
There's probably enough for two.
Great.
I'm just going to go change, okay? Okay.
(knock at door) What the hell are you doing here? I know.
I'm sorry.
You are supposed to be gone.
How many of my own fingers do I have to dislocate before you take me seriously? TED: I got her home in She left this in the car (barks) (sighs) This smells delicious.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! Thank you.
Ow.
I guess I'm a little tense from that date.
Well, allow me.
Ow, ow, ow! You're tight.
Oh.
I forgot how good you were at this.
Come to think of it you were good at a lot of things.
Whoa.
Victoria's Secret, page 39.
Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight for dessert? Oh, whoa.
Penthouse Forum, page 23.
(Roz laughing) Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double-parked.
I promise you, ma'am, I will deliver in 30 minutes or more.
Wait.
There's a scented candle out on the balcony.
Would you get that for me? I'm kind of naked here.
It's cedarwood.
It promotes stamina and sexual creativity.
I'll be right back.
Roz, open the door.
Oh, I get it.
Pizza man! You slimebag! You've been scaring off my dates all week! I don't know what you're talking about.
Cut the crap! I just saw you talking to Ted! This is the lowest thing you've ever done.
After the way I've trusted you, this is the way you treat me? Look, will you let me in, please? No! Come on, it's freezing out here, as you can plainly see.
Good.
I want you to suffer.
(sighs) Oh, don't sit there.
I eat off that table, for God's sake.
Roz? Get dressed! Roz, come on.
No! Roz, wait! Wait.
Will you let me explain? I don't want to hear it.
You make me sick.
Just get out! Roz, I wasn't just trying to get you in bed.
Just give me a second, please? All right, last spring when we were together, it was great.
And I didn't know how to handle it, so I ran away But, when I saw you again, it was I figured if I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe you and I, I don't know we could be a couple.
Us? I think I'm in love with you.
You're not saying anything, Roz.
Wait a minute.
I know what you're doing.
What? All this love stuff is just another way to get me into bed.
No, Roz, no.
God, it's the oldest trick in the book.
Wait a minute, Roz And you're still at it; you're still at it.
No, listen, listen, Roz.
Give up, Bulldog.
Give up, Bulldog.
You can't blame a guy for trying, huh? No! I had you going, huh? Yes! With all the dishes and the laundry ah! You're the master.
Yeah.
Oh, I even put child-proof latches on the, uh, on the cabinets-- you know, part of my plan to get you in the sack.
You are such a pig! Well I better be going.
Okay.
Thank you for all of your help with Alice.
Oh I'll see you, Bob.
See you, Roz.
(sighs heavily) (knock at door) I'm sorry, Mrs.
Wozniak.
I know the balcony is not for sex play.
FRASIER: It's Frasier.
And by the way, charming.
It's open.
Well, I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted.
I thought, "My God, what's wrong?" You are not going to believe what just happened.
Bulldog just told me he loved me.
What? Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early.
It turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week.
Well, what did you say to him? I tried to let him down easy.
I felt sorry for the guy.
Bulldog.
Wow.
He's full of surprises, isn't he? Who'd have thought? (both chuckle) You know what's really weird? I'm going to miss him.
Look at this.
I never had to worry about Alice.
He kept this place so neat.
And it was really nice to have someone to someone to come home to.
Well, maybe Bulldog-- in his own clumsy way-- gave you a taste of a more traditional lifestyle.
Yes, I suppose so.
Mmm.
Who knows, Roz? Maybe the time has come.
You might be willing to start looking for a What? A husband? No, I wasn't going to say that.
I Just because I'm gonna miss certain things about Bulldog doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married.
Fine.
I mean, look at this week I've had.
Three guys interested in me, not to mention Bulldog.
I mean, I'm liking this.
Single life's pretty good.
All right, Roz.
As long as you're okay.
I really appreciate you coming by.
It's okay.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Of course.
Good night.
Good night.
Hey, baby, I hear the blues a'callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs Quite stylish And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged (laughing) But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're callin' again.
Good night, Seattle! We love you!