Frasier s09e08 Episode Script

Welcome back, Seattle.
Thank you for joining us in celebrating this, our 2000th show.
- Hard to believe, isn't it, Roz? - No, that feels just about right.
Ah, yes, well, what a festive day this is.
No stop has been unpulled.
I would like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the anniversary luncheon spread provided by our friends at Señor José Phong, home of the sweet and sour taco.
And don't forget, a little later, we'll have Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates live in studio to congratulate me on my 2000th show.
Apparently, I hear through the grapevine, he is a big fan.
[LAUGHS.]
Roz, what do we have next? It's time for another blooper.
Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four as voted by you, the listeners.
Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realise her microphone was on during the show.
[LAUGHS.]
ROZ [ON RADIO.]
: Now what the **** is this? You call this a ******* paycheque? How the **** am I supposed to live on this ****? I'm gonna have a little word with that ***damn station manager walking around here like he owns the mother****ing place.
I can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
Oh, ha, ladies and gentlemen, it's our station manager, KACL's own Kenny Daly.
Ha, ha.
Listen, doc, I got a special someone out there who'd like to say hello.
By all means, let's bring him in, Kenny.
Ladies and gentlemen, our special guest has finally arrived.
Please welcome [BARKS.]
[AIRHORN BLOWS.]
- Bulldog? - Great to see you, doc.
Hey, Roz.
FRASIER: Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's our old friend and former colleague, Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.
Thanks for coming to celebrate my 2000th show.
Yeah, yeah, congrats.
Didn't think you'd last two weeks.
Listen up, sports fans, Bulldog here.
I know what you're all thinking: Bulldog's been gone too long.
How can you get me back on the air? Okay, listen up.
You send your cards and letters of support to Kenny Daly, KACL Hold on, hold on, Bulldog! Our special guest has arrived.
- P.
O.
Box 451, Seattle - Bulldog! Would you and your noisemaker please wait in Roz's booth? - This is an air horn, doc.
- Yes, I was referring to that flapping hole above your chin.
Now get out! Ladies and gentlemen, let's please welcome Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates.
Ha, ha.
Good to see you, sir.
- Sorry I was late.
- Oh, that's all right.
- I was just talking to an old friend.
- Yes, ha, ha.
Well, I've I've got so many questions to ask you.
Uh, why don't we just dive right in? I've been wondering, when did you first become a fan of my show? Excuse me.
Warren from Kirkland is on Line 2.
Ye Yes, Roz.
I won't be taking any calls until after Mr.
Gates has left.
- Actually, it's for Mr.
Gates.
FRASIER: Well, um Go ahead, caller.
You're on with Mister Bill Gates.
WARREN [ON PHONE.]
: Yeah, hi, Mr.
Gates.
I bought your new Windows XP programme, and I'm about to instal it, but it's an upgrade.
- Do I need to make a boot disc? - That's a very good question.
You don't need to make a boot disk.
You just put the CD in, and it'll upgrade.
I hope that answers your question.
That's a feature of XP, very quick, very smooth.
- Hey, this is fun.
FRASIER: Ah.
Thank you for calling, Warren.
Now, where were we? Can Mr.
Gates take a few more calls? The board is lighting up.
Wow.
Who knew we had a Line 7? Uh, Roz, I believe Mr.
Gates is probably anxious - to get on with the interview.
- No, no, I'm I'm happy to.
Very well.
Go ahead, caller.
WOMAN CALLER [ON PHONE.]
: Wow, Bill Gates.
This is so cool.
Thank you.
WOMAN CALLER [ON PHONE.]
: Hey, I have a question about Multilingual User Interface add-ons.
What are those? BILL: Well, the Multilingual add-ons let you run Windows in different languages.
You can use it in German Do you believe this egomaniacal gasbag? He's taking over my show.
Don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit? Who do we have next, Roz? We have Bob from Fremont.
He has a question about his laptop.
Go ahead, Bob.
I'm listening.
[SIGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Two thousand shows, ha-ha-ha.
NILES: Hurry up, Frasier, we're gonna miss the reservation.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
[HUMMING.]
[GASPS.]
Two thousand shows.
That's quite a milestone.
It is.
Can anyone tell me what happened today? I forgot to listen.
I just listened for five minutes in case he asked me what my favourite part was.
I just say the call from Tacoma.
There's bound to be a call from Tacoma.
Excuse me.
Could I see all of you in my room for just a jiff? - Come on, I'm hungry.
- I know.
I am too.
FRASIER: Okay, are we all here? - Good.
- What's wrong? Something is amiss.
I'll say.
I always thought that was a sweater cubby.
Well, it's not.
This is a collection of all my shows.
I was just examining my collection when I realised that someone had placed one of my tapes upside down.
[MARTIN GASPS.]
What kind of sick, twisted? Well, turn it right-side up and let's go eat.
- You probably did it yourself.
- All right, conceivably.
But I guarantee you, I would never have removed my tape from the case and replaced it with The Best of Hall and Oates.
All right, I won't be mad.
Just tell me who did this.
Nobody did this? Tell you what.
I did it.
Now, can we go eat? FRASIER: Not so fast, Dad.
Okay.
- Let's examine the evidence.
ALL: Oh, no.
A Hall and Oates tape.
That rules you out, Dad.
And it definitely rules out Niles.
- Dr.
Crane - Or does it? Perhaps the tape was just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent.
A psychological game.
There's only one of you that would combat me on that level.
- I did it! - Ah-ha! You can't say, "ah-ha.
" You thought it was me.
- Why'd you do it, Daphne? - I didn't mean to.
I was trying to listen to a tape in that boom box you gave me for Christmas, only I wasn't getting any sound, and I didn't know if it were the tape or the boom box, and I didn't have any other tapes, so I grabbed one of your tapes just to test the boom box out.
And it turns out it was the boom box after all.
Only then, I couldn't get it out of the boom box, so I used a screwdriver to pry it out, and I broke the tape.
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, there, there, Daphne - Stand down, Niles.
Daphne.
Do you realise what you've done? This isn't like any normal tape that you can just go down to your local music shop and purchase.
It's unique and irreplaceable.
Can't you just get the station to make you a copy? Unless I get the station to make me another copy, which, or course, I can.
The only transgression here is that Daphne didn't come to me with the truth.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr.
Crane.
I will never lie to you again.
Well, then, if that's what you learned, it was all worth it.
So, what are we all sitting here for? I believe we have a 2000th show to celebrate.
NILES: Here, here.
- So, did you all listen? NILES: Oh, did we.
MARTIN: It was great.
DAPHNE: I especially liked that call from Tacoma.
Oh, which one? You know, in nine years, this is the first time I've been down to the archives.
- Oh, my God.
I remember this place.
- Really? I came down here once after a Christmas party.
Whatever for? Well, I had a little too much champagne, and you know how you get a little lonely around the holiday? Brings back memories, huh, Roz? - Bulldog! - That was some Christmas, huh? When Santa left a bit of Bulldog in your stockings.
[LAUGHS.]
You're disgusting.
What, I went too far? I'm sorry.
Why don't, uh, you come back here? I'll slip you an apology.
Bulldog's still got it! Bulldog, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, this is, uh, this is my new job.
I, uh, catalogue the archive.
You know, I clean up a bit, but, uh, I figure I'll be back on the air in no time, as long as I attack this job with my trademark "can-do" attitude.
Great.
Well, then, we're looking for a copy of my show, episode 893.
- No can do.
- What? What, I only been here an hour.
I don't even know where the john is.
Where? Where's my PowerBar? I had a PowerBar here.
Someone stole my PowerBar! This stinks! This is total B.
S! This is Oh, here it is.
Frasier, here's a box marked "Best of Crane.
" Oh, uh, thanks, Roz.
Let's have a look.
Ah, good.
What? There's just a few tapes in here.
- All right, keep looking.
- Oh, hey, doc.
Kenny, just the man I was looking for.
Listen, where are all the tapes of my shows kept? You got them, right there.
- Well, where are the rest of them? - Yes.
There are no rest.
We record over them.
I mean, look around, doc, we got a space problem here.
Hey, Kenny, where do you want me to put these snow tyres? Oh, put them right next to my kids' bikes.
FRASIER: Good afternoon, Seattle.
Before we go to the phones, I have a boon to ask of you.
If any of you happens to have in your possession a tape of my broadcast from June 14, 1996, I am in need of a copy.
You see, I understand that from time to time people who call in to my show record it, perhaps in order to To review my advice, or even just play it for some friends.
Now, I realise that this is a bit of a long shot, but it is the only missing tape of my collection, and therefore, of course, has great sentimental value.
Thanks for your consideration.
Now, Roz, who's our first caller? We have Joe from Vashon Island on Line 1.
Go ahead, Joe, I'm listening.
JOE [ON PHONE.]
: About that missing tape.
- Yes, yes? JOE [ON PHONE.]
: Yeah, I know what you're going through.
A couple years ago, I was in a taxicab and lost a gold cufflink.
Yes, and this relates to my missing tape how? JOE [ON PHONE.]
: Well, it's missing, and I'm bummed.
It has the initials J.
S.
On it.
If anyone finds it, I'd love to have it back.
Yes, um, I'm sure you would, but unless it's about my missing tape, well, then I would prefer to stick to calls about mental and emotional issues, as usual.
Thank you for your call.
Who's our next caller, Roz? We have Phyllis from Green Lake.
Phyllis, go ahead, I'm listening.
PHYLLIS [ON PHONE.]
: My cat ran away last Wednesday.
She's orange with a white chest and one white paw.
Her name is Wait, wait, Phyllis PHYLLIS [ON PHONE.]
: So if anyone All right, hold on, hold on a minute.
All right, now listen to me, people, I don't want to turn this show into the lost and found bin of the airwaves.
Phyllis, I'm gonna let you finish your description, and then we're going back to our regular show.
All right? PHYLLIS [ON PHONE.]
: Okay.
She has green eyes, a rhinestone collar, and when she's happy Let's recap.
Uh, in the last three hours, we have located a missing engagement ring, one lost cufflink, two missing cats, and we've actually reunited Eric from Belltown with his biological parents.
Still, sadly, no sign of my missing tape.
To that end, listeners, please scour your attics, basements, hope chests, whatever.
Meantime, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane, wishing you good day and good mental health.
And don't forget to look behind things.
- I'm sorry, Frasier.
- Oh That's all right, Roz.
I mean, it'll turn up.
I mean, it's only the first day.
Word will get around.
I'm I'm sure somebody has that tape.
I just don't want you to get your hopes up too high.
Chances are that tape is gone for good.
Well, if that's the case, then so be it.
Life will go on, ha, ha.
DAPHNE: Hello, Dr.
Crane.
How was your nap? It was lovely.
Daphne, could you make me a cup of tea, please, and whatever meal would be appropriate to this time of day? Dr.
Crane, you've been in bed all weekend.
How about going for a nice walk? No, thanks.
Well, how about going to a movie then? Take your mind off your troubles.
My car's in the shop.
You could take public transportation.
[LAUGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, I wonder who this could be.
Oh, look, it's your brother Niles, here for a visit.
Hello, Frasier, how are we today? What the hell is wrong with the two of you? You'd think I'd been found walking through the park in my underwear, talking to pigeons.
- Would we like a walk in the park? - Oh, good God.
All right, all right.
Frasier, Frasier, wait.
Hey, looking good, buddy.
- Not any better, huh? - No, and I feel just awful.
- This is all my fault.
- Oh, come on.
I'm the one who ruined his treasured collection.
Oh, all his crap is treasured.
But look, don't feel bad.
I've broken lots of his stuff.
I've never heard of you breaking anything.
Well, that's because I know how to cover my tracks.
Take a look at that fertility god statue over there.
It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.
Oh, my God! This is a Tootsie Roll! - That's brilliant! - Oh, that's nothing.
Here, check out this vase.
Two years ago Eddie and I were horsing around.
I knocked it over.
It took me hours to glue it back together again.
Why, you can't even tell.
I had no idea you were so devious.
Ha.
Come on, I'll show you how to make ginger ale look like 50-year-old brandy.
Listen, Niles, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but, frankly, I am in no mood to endure therapy with my younger brother, - no matter how well-intentioned.
- I'm not trying to butt in, I'm just curious as to why this tape matters so much to you.
Do you ever listen to these? Once.
When I had a date over.
It proved a useful mood-setter.
Okay.
Well, tell me this, then.
Do you ever intend to listen to any of the others? I don't know.
So why is it so important to you to have each and every one of them? Because it's a collection, Niles.
That's what a collection is.
Is it possible that a harmless collection has become an unhealthy obsession? - It's It's just a hobby, all right? - Or an obsession.
- Yeah, an eccentricity.
- Or an obsession.
It, you know, it's a quirk.
That's it.
I'm quirky.
I'm delightfully quirky.
Do you realise that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill? Niles, I've just finished my 2000th show.
I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally.
I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you? You know, you have your pyjamas on backwards.
Another delightful quirk of mine.
Not from where I'm sitting.
Hey, Fras, the station called.
Some guy has your tape.
Oh, uh, well, thanks, Dad.
Yes, well, uh, I'll tend to this by and by.
- All right, I'll get the car.
- I'll put on pants.
Zipper goes in front! [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Hello.
- Hello, yes, Dr.
Crane.
Please come in.
Make yourself at home.
You must be Tom.
And you must be the greatest radio talk show host ever.
Oh, ha, ha.
You can call me Frasier.
- I think I'll wait outside.
- Oh.
I didn't know you were bringing someone.
Oh, Tom, uh, this is my brother, Niles.
- Oh.
- Hello, Tom.
Hi.
Yes.
Yeah, didn't you, uh, fill in on Frasier's show a couple of times? Oh, yes, actually I did.
Yeah, yeah, you were You were all right.
- Oh, well, you flatter me.
- Huh.
So, what's it like? - Excuse me? - Being Frasier Crane's brother.
Being able to talk to him any time you want, having access to that great mind 24 hours a day? - You know, I think I left my lights on.
- No, no, no, please don't leave yet.
Please.
If you don't mind, I was hoping that you would take a picture of Frasier and I.
Well, uh, of course he doesn't mind.
Uh, actually, I even brought along an 8-by-10 photo, ha, ha.
Personalized, of course.
There we are.
Oh, my, that's - That's really I don't know - Well, I thought you might like that.
Yes, I'll I'll I'll have to do some rearranging, but But don't worry, I'll find some room for it somewhere.
I, uh, thought that was a window.
Yes, well, it was.
Okay, I'm gonna go get the camera.
Frasier, this man is deeply disturbed.
Why? Because he has a few pictures of me on his wall? [TELEPHONE RINGING.]
The man is obviously obsessed with you.
Oh, what is it with you? I'm obsessed, he's obsessed.
I think you're the one who's obsessed with being obsessed.
Okay, I apologise.
He's delightfully quirky.
FRASIER [ON PHONE.]
: Go ahead, caller, I'm listening.
WOMAN [ON PHONE.]
: This is your mother.
Call me, and change that stupid message already.
Oh, Mom, get a life why don't you.
Okay, here we go.
Now, I want to record this historic moment, because I don't want to wake up tomorrow and find out that this was all part of a dream.
- All right.
- Because I've had this dream before.
Many times.
Sometimes we're in London, sometimes we're in Paris, sometimes we're riding mules down the Grand Canyon.
Oh, my God! This is gonna be the jewel of my collection.
I'm gonna get a special frame for it, and I'm gonna look at it while I'm listening to the show, and l Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, listen, uh, uh, Frasier's brother, um, your thumb was in front of the lens.
If you don't mind, just one more.
And you know what? Bring that chair closer.
Come over here for a second.
Just sit here.
Just like that.
This is gonna be great.
Okay, sit here, and this time why don't you act like you're giving me advice? Right.
All right, uh, Tom, well, you know, I was just wondering, um, have you ever called into the show? Me? Why would I call the show? Oh! Did your head just touch that? - Yes.
I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
Oh.
So, uh, Tom, I take it you've been listening to the show for some time.
Oh, are you kidding? From day one.
I got so hooked that eventually I started taping them so that I didn't miss anything.
I even was skipping out of work early so I could make sure to be home in time.
So, in a way, Tom, you could say that your obsession with your collection was bringing your life to a standstill.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
Until I realised how ridiculous I was being.
I mean, missing work to To tape the show.
Oh, good for you, Tom.
So you could say that, uh, it is possible to have a passion for collecting without losing sight of your priorities.
Yes, exactly.
And And that's why I quit my job.
Oh, this turned out really nice.
And, you know, eventually the money ran out, so I got a gig as a night doorman.
And that way I could, uh Oh.
I could, you know, uh, listen to the show a second time on my Walkman, and then I could do my transcriptions at work.
- You transcribe the show? - Well, you gotta have a backup.
Uh, listen, Tom, you know, I must confess, I'm a I'm a bit concerned.
Um.
I'm delighted to have you as a fan.
I really am, but the whole purpose of my show is to help people live better lives, and I'm afraid that I've hurt yours.
I just There should be more to To life than There should be more.
Yes, but as you always say, life is most fulfilling when spent in the pursuit of one's passions.
Yes, but as I've also said, weave the tapestry of your life with many diverse threads.
Ah, yes, but you added, make sure to weave the pattern that pleases you most.
Weave the tapestry with diverse threads? Yes.
Frasier said all of these things, and many others.
He is a genius.
Would you like some guacamole? - Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh.
- Thank you.
Thanks, Tom.
Listen, I'm I'm just, uh, thinking.
Um.
I don't really want to talk you into anything.
It seems I've done enough of that already.
I, uh Thank you.
Tom, what I'm getting at here is, I think there could be more to your life than just my tapes and pictures.
Now, if you'd be interested in exploring those issues further, I can recommend someone who would be glad to talk with you.
[MOUTHING.]
Not me.
Not me.
- Why? I have you.
Thank you.
Well, you know, l I think it's time we got going.
Oh, no, so soon? Oh, well, I suppose someone like you probably has a lot of things they gotta do.
- Right.
- I'm glad you could come at all.
Please, you know, stop by any time you want.
Thank you, Tom, and it was a pleasure.
Oh, don't forget your tape.
You know, Tom, I'd like you to keep that.
But this is the reason you came.
If I ever need it, I'll know where to find it.
Um You know those shows where I sat in for Frasier? You wouldn't happen to have those tapes, would you? Sorry, l I don't collect just anything.
Hey, there he is.
Did you get your tape back? Actually, no, I didn't.
What happened? Daphne tonight I saw an example of how an obsession can take over a man's life.
I don't want to be that man.
Therefore, I chose to leave it and render my collection imperfect.
But that's all right.
You see, I don't need things to be perfect.
Hello.
Something's amiss.
[GASPS.]
My double-handled amphora! All right, no one leaves!