Frasier s09e10 Episode Script
Junior Agent
ZACH [ON RECORDER.]
: Janet from Seattle, you're in bed - with Dr.
Zach.
ROZ: Oh, yeah.
ZACH: How can I make you feel better? [ROZ LAUGHING.]
JANET [ON RECORDER.]
: My husband isn't the man he was, if you know what I mean.
And it's ruining our marriage.
ZACH: Are you sure it's just his fault? The signs on Love Street don't all point one way.
[LAUGHING.]
Come on.
This is the competition? Dr.
Zach? Please, it's nothing but suggestive, smarmy sleaze.
- And he's great at it.
- Roz.
You know, I tell you what.
I give this guy four, five weeks tops.
He's been on the air ten weeks, and frankly, we're getting spanked.
Oh, he did a whole show on that yesterday.
FRASIER: Stop it.
So, well, all right, he's the new flavour of the month.
We've seen them come and go before.
Dr.
Mary.
Professor Hugs.
On the Couch with Jeff and Lars.
I don't know, doc.
I think this guy's got staying power.
- He did a show on that Tuesday.
- Cut it out, Roz.
Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows.
Actually, we have done theme shows.
You know, I still get letters about the show we did on existential angst.
- No, we don't.
- I get them at home.
Well, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little.
You know, mention people's privates once in a while.
Absolutely not.
My show is fine the way it is.
What it needs is a little support from this station.
How about some advertising? Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna just throw money at the problem.
- Thirty seconds, Frasier.
- Right, right.
Well, then how about airing some more promos on my lead-in? They get a sizeable audience.
They do.
That's why we're moving them to evening drive time.
- You mean I'm their lead-in now? - Yeah, they're not too happy about it.
And we're back for the final hour of The Frasier Crane Show.
Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island.
Go ahead, Garth, I'm listening.
GARTH [OVER PHONE.]
: This is weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's okay.
It's our household budget.
Any more sausage, Daph? I told you five links ago, you're cut off.
Oh, come on.
I'm being good.
I took my cholesterol pill.
Yes.
That was the last one.
You better call Dr.
Stewart.
Oh, he'll make me go through a whole physical just to get a refill.
Hey, Niles.
Couldn't you write me a prescription? - Oh, I can't, Dad.
Sorry.
- Why not? I don't have your chart.
I'm not familiar with your history.
Oh, come on, you see me every day.
You know I'm fine.
Just get your little pad out and write "more pills.
" What is the big deal? Why do you hate going to the doctor so much? - Everybody does.
- Not my brother Billy.
He loved going to the doctor's.
From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in the car.
And, mind you, that was just for the dentist.
As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies.
Supported himself getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him.
- Think she's finished? - Wait for it.
One year, he grew little boobies.
NILES: Hey there.
- Ah! MARTIN: Fras.
- Good morning, all.
Dear God.
Do you believe this? Ugh.
NILES: What? - A full-page ad.
"Cuddle up with Dr.
Zach.
" Yes.
As if some airbrushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy.
He is awfully cute.
Mm.
Yet not so much you hate him for it.
All right, you know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings.
His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless tripe.
It's my turn now.
I'm gonna call my agent.
Let her earn her ten percent.
Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station, my face will be splattered all over this city.
That Bebe is a monster.
I don't know why you chose her.
Yeah, what possessed you? Oh, right, she did.
Yes, well, Bebe's evil, but she's my evil.
Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry.
Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper? It seems a little petty.
FRASIER: It is not petty.
It's about getting my due as a respected member of this community, and as a titan of Seattle radio psychiatry.
Ha! Yeah, you're not so pretty with a moustache and a hairy mole now, are you? Ha.
Frasier Crane.
I wish my eyes were sore so you could be a sight for them.
Thank you, Bebe.
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Oh, there's no such thing as short notice for my favourite client.
Get Dr.
Crane some coffee, please.
So how may I serve you? Well, actually, um, KACL is not doing all it should to promote my show.
Say no more.
We'll put the fear of God into them.
We'll hold their feet to the fire till their skin crackles.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Bebe.
I knew I could count on you.
Well, it won't be me personally.
I think now is the time to unleash the newest member of Team Crane.
- What do you mean? - Well, you've become too big to be served by the efforts of one adoring mortal.
That's why I'm bringing on more firepower.
- Oh, I like the sound of that.
- Well, I thought you might.
Frasier, meet your new agent, Portia Sanders.
Pleased to meet you.
Well we've met.
Several hundred times.
- Uh, this is your assistant.
- Not anymore.
- Now she's a full-fledged junior agent.
- She brings me coffee.
She'll bring you Juan Valdez on a donkey, if that's what you want.
I thought we should start by scheduling a meeting to get more acquainted.
We've met.
You've only met Portia the assistant, the girl who spent the last four years answering phones and getting your coffee just right.
Well, Portia the agent plans to take that same attention to detail when representing you.
I'm sorry, but you've never gotten my coffee right.
But you never said anything before.
Yes, I have.
Every time.
Portia, will you give us a minute? Is this about me? Because I would love the opportunity to address any concerns.
Just go outside.
- I'll be outside if you need me.
- Yes, yes, that's good to know.
[GIGGLES.]
Seems innocent, doesn't she? Almost naive.
That's the quality that sets the trap.
Then when she's lulled her prey, - she pounces like a tigress whose - All right, Bebe, what's going on here? - Are you fobbing me off? - Ouch.
Do you want the knife back, or shall I just keep it in my heart? Portia will merely be looking after the day-to-day details, freeing me up for the big picture.
- Really? - Of course.
You are the rock upon which this agency is founded, upon which we continue to thrive.
Oh, sorry to interrupt, Bebe, but we got reservations at 1:00.
FRASIER: Dr.
Zach? - What is he doing here? - Doctor who? I'm confused.
Who are you? For God's sake, Bebe.
You were supposed to meet me in the restaurant, whoever you are.
Bebe, how could you? I feel so betrayed.
And I am just as outraged as you are.
I see what's going on here.
You're trying to pass me off to your assistant so you can devote your attention to your new number one client.
Nonsense.
There is no one more important to me than you.
Then let him have the junior agent.
Frasier, we have done great things, you and I.
We've climbed this mountain together, and planted your flag.
Now I've discovered another young man who wants to plant his flag.
Would you deny me the chance to share in that adventure? - Yes.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be selfish.
You'll be fine with Portia.
Don't forget, she reports directly to me.
Bebe, throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot, but I never doubted, for an instant, your devotion to my career.
Apparently, that is at an end.
And so, therefore, is my association with this agency.
And screw, may I add, you.
I was thinking we could have that meeting next Tuesday.
We have met.
Hey, Fras.
You just missed your new agent.
She sent those.
I didn't miss her.
I was hiding in the stairwell till she left.
And Portia is not my new agent.
She is Bebe's minion, her little winged monkey.
The woman has been hounding me.
I had to turn off my cell phone.
God only knows how she got the new number.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, did the woman from the Publisher's Clearing House reach you? She seemed quite insistent.
- She sounds like a real go-getter.
FRASIER: I don't care if she is.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I go back to Bebe's agency.
Well, uh, you're not gonna send back the flowers and muffins, are you? - I don't see any muffins.
- I mean, if she had sent muffins.
Don't worry, Dad, there will be muffins aplenty.
Now that I am agent-less, the word will spread like wildfire.
You be prepared for this phone to start ringing right off the hook.
I didn't mean literally.
I know, but how great would that have been? You say, "Phone's gonna start ringing," and boom.
FRASIER: Yes, yes, yes.
The truth is I'm excited.
I'm excited about having a new agent.
I'm excited about being excited about my career again.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, so close.
And so it begins.
The sharks smell Crane in the water.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's just see which one of them's hungriest, shall we, hmm? Hello.
Yes, could you hold on for just one moment, please? - It's for you, Dad.
- Oh, thanks.
Hello? Oh, hi, Dr.
Stewart, thanks for calling me back, um, I was hoping you could refill my prescription without me coming into the office.
Oh, come on, doc, my son's a doctor, and he says I look fine.
A psychiatrist.
Okay, okay.
I'll be in there tomorrow.
Bye.
- I hope you're satisfied.
- Oh, Dad, we've discussed this.
I'm happy to drive you to the doctor, but I can't just write you a prescription.
I would never violate my ethics like that.
- Have you asked Frasier? - Yeah.
He gives me the same old baloney you do.
Look, I've been taking this medicine for four years, Niles.
I don't need an exam, I just need a refill.
- No.
DAPHNE: Here's a thought.
Niles, you're a doctor.
Why don't you give your father a full medical examination? That way, you'll both be satisfied.
- Can you pick me up at 1? - Yeah.
[FRASIER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO.]
Knock-knock.
I'm looking for Frasier.
Oh, ahem, he's not working today.
Then why am I hearing his show? Well, we play The Best of Crane on Wednesdays.
Oh.
Well, would you please ask him to call Portia? - It's really important.
- Sure.
FRASIER: - And I know it's never easy, Rachel, but you and your husband won't get anywhere until you confront your problems head-on.
We'll be right back, Seattle, after the news.
Can't dodge her forever.
I won't have to, Roz, as soon as I have a new agent.
- Have there been any calls? - No, sorry.
What? What the hell is going on? I mean, surely someone would be interested in representing me.
I still have a viable career, even if arguably it may or may not be going through what might be perceived by some as a tiny lull.
There you are.
I was leaving you a note on the windshield of your car, and I said to myself, "His car's here, so he's here.
So why am I leaving a note on his windshield?" [CHUCKLES.]
- Here.
FRASIER: Yes.
Portia.
I'm sure you're a lovely person, and I I applaud your effort to find a new career, but not at the expense of my own.
But you haven't heard my ideas yet.
Nor will I.
How can I make this any clearer to you? You are not my agent.
You are not going to be my agent, not now, not ever.
So go practise on someone else's time and leave me alone.
[PORTIA CLEARS THROAT.]
That was brutal.
Don't worry, Roz, I'll be okay.
She seems very persistent.
That's not such a horrible thing to have in an agent.
I'd rather have no agent at all than let Bebe win.
That's not such a bad idea.
I don't need an agent.
I can represent myself.
I mean, I have some insight into the human mind.
I think that would be helpful in negotiations.
My God, I should have thought of this sooner.
Just think of the money I could save.
Isn't that what you said when you cut your own hair? No.
That was just an emotional response to an unruly cowlick.
Okay, fine.
So you represent Frasier Crane.
Now what? Well, for one, I'll do what Bebe couldn't do.
I'll get Kenny to boost the advertising budget for our show.
Well, you already asked him that.
He said no.
Yes, that was Dr.
Frasier Crane asking.
Now it's Agent Crane, licensed to charm.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
- What is it, doc? Is this about promos? - No.
Would you? Do you believe this guy? [ROZ AND FRASIER LAUGH.]
No, Kenny.
Listen, I've been thinking.
You know, I think it's high time that you and I got together outside of the workplace.
So there's a little club downtown that I go to.
How would you like to join me tomorrow for a little, uh Little massage, a little steam, huh? Huh? - What do you say? - Are you kidding? I'm front and centre with a fistful of singles.
Kenny, ha, ha, it's not that kind of club.
Oh.
Fives? What is wrong with you? It's an athletic club with, uh, squash courts and a swimming pool.
Oh.
Right.
Gotcha.
Hmm, sure you're happy.
You're not gonna be spending the next hour sitting bare-assed on some cold steel table.
[NILES SIGHS.]
And neither are you, you big baby.
I'm sorry.
I'd help if I could, Dad, but I swore an oath.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Oh, I wonder what this is about.
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Good afternoon, officer.
Uh, I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Actually, son, you made an illegal left turn back there.
Thank you, Dad.
Licence and registration, please.
Uh, you know, officer, my father here is no stranger to the rules of the road.
Isn't that right, Dad? Yes, sir, he is, uh, intimately acquainted with Lady Law.
Aren't you, Dad? Just a concerned citizen.
I'll be right back.
Why didn't you flash your badge and get me out of a ticket? I would've, Niles, but I took an oath too.
- Oh - However, if you were to take out that prescription pad - Are you blackmailing your own son? - I'd write fast.
There's nothing I can do once he writes that ticket.
Officer? Yes? Uh, yeah, officer, um I was wondering if maybe you could give my son a break.
Uh, I don't think he'll be doing that again.
Well, uh, I guess this time I can let it slide.
[OFFICER CHUCKLES.]
- Drive carefully.
- Oh, I will.
Thank you, sir.
[MARTIN LAUGHING.]
What? I got news for you.
You didn't make an illegal left turn.
That's a buddy of mine.
I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription.
[MARTIN LAUGHING.]
I got news for you.
I just drew you a picture of a dog.
[BARKS.]
So, what'd you think? - Oh, I could get addicted to that.
- Here.
Yeah.
- What was that stuff? - Steam.
- Oh, it felt so great.
- Ah.
- Everything's great here.
- Ah.
I can't believe I never heard of this place.
They should advertise or something.
You know, speaking of advertising, I think our recent dip in the ratings is due to a lack of advertising.
Oh, what's to advertise, doc? Your show's nine years old.
Unless there's some new angle to promote, it's money better spent elsewhere.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I noticed a basket of free combs by the sink.
- Dr.
Crane.
- Aah! Portia, what the hell are you doing here? This is a private club and a men's locker room.
Get out.
Not until you give me a chance.
Look, I told you I'm not interested.
Hey, doc, can I borrow your roll-on? I left mine at home.
Hey! Ah, you must be Kenny Daly.
I'm Portia Sanders, Frasier's agent.
- She is not my agent.
- I'm naked.
How much are you prepared to increase the man's advertising budget? Zero, and again, naked.
Kenny, look, I apologise for this.
Portia, you're leaving.
- Not until he hears me out.
- Well, forget it.
I'm out of here.
Hey.
What are you doing? Taking your pants.
You'll get them back when I'm finished.
Okay, you're saving a few bucks on advertising, but with a little investment now, you can make a bundle when we syndicate.
Are you kidding? Who's gonna wanna syndicate Frasier? Hey.
No, no, no offence, doc, but if you were gonna syndicate All right! Sit down and listen up! Ooh.
Legs together.
All right, maybe you two don't see the potential for syndication, but I do.
Sure the big markets are harder to crack, but we'll start smaller.
KPCD in Medford, KBAB in Boise.
They're changing formats.
After the beginning of the year, they're gonna need new programming.
Soon we'll have a vast and viable audience.
Oh, think of it.
The obsessive-compulsive on his tractor.
The bipolar cop on his beat.
The soccer mom seething with rage.
And they're all out there across this great land of ours - just waiting for you to help them.
- I've always thought that.
Yes.
But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising.
And you, oh, you've got to be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland to the other Portland.
I'm hungry for this.
I need you both to be as hungry as I am.
- Are you hungry? - I'm starving.
Me too.
Great.
Call my office Monday morning and we'll go over the details.
FRASIER: Wow.
That was my very first locker-room pep talk.
Mine too.
- She took your pants, you know.
- I know.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
: Janet from Seattle, you're in bed - with Dr.
Zach.
ROZ: Oh, yeah.
ZACH: How can I make you feel better? [ROZ LAUGHING.]
JANET [ON RECORDER.]
: My husband isn't the man he was, if you know what I mean.
And it's ruining our marriage.
ZACH: Are you sure it's just his fault? The signs on Love Street don't all point one way.
[LAUGHING.]
Come on.
This is the competition? Dr.
Zach? Please, it's nothing but suggestive, smarmy sleaze.
- And he's great at it.
- Roz.
You know, I tell you what.
I give this guy four, five weeks tops.
He's been on the air ten weeks, and frankly, we're getting spanked.
Oh, he did a whole show on that yesterday.
FRASIER: Stop it.
So, well, all right, he's the new flavour of the month.
We've seen them come and go before.
Dr.
Mary.
Professor Hugs.
On the Couch with Jeff and Lars.
I don't know, doc.
I think this guy's got staying power.
- He did a show on that Tuesday.
- Cut it out, Roz.
Hey, you know, maybe we should try some of those theme shows.
Actually, we have done theme shows.
You know, I still get letters about the show we did on existential angst.
- No, we don't.
- I get them at home.
Well, I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to spice things up a little.
You know, mention people's privates once in a while.
Absolutely not.
My show is fine the way it is.
What it needs is a little support from this station.
How about some advertising? Whoa, whoa, I don't wanna just throw money at the problem.
- Thirty seconds, Frasier.
- Right, right.
Well, then how about airing some more promos on my lead-in? They get a sizeable audience.
They do.
That's why we're moving them to evening drive time.
- You mean I'm their lead-in now? - Yeah, they're not too happy about it.
And we're back for the final hour of The Frasier Crane Show.
Our next caller is Garth from Mercer Island.
Go ahead, Garth, I'm listening.
GARTH [OVER PHONE.]
: This is weird talking about to a psychiatrist, but it is something couples go through, and since I'm not using my real name, maybe it's okay.
It's our household budget.
Any more sausage, Daph? I told you five links ago, you're cut off.
Oh, come on.
I'm being good.
I took my cholesterol pill.
Yes.
That was the last one.
You better call Dr.
Stewart.
Oh, he'll make me go through a whole physical just to get a refill.
Hey, Niles.
Couldn't you write me a prescription? - Oh, I can't, Dad.
Sorry.
- Why not? I don't have your chart.
I'm not familiar with your history.
Oh, come on, you see me every day.
You know I'm fine.
Just get your little pad out and write "more pills.
" What is the big deal? Why do you hate going to the doctor so much? - Everybody does.
- Not my brother Billy.
He loved going to the doctor's.
From the time he was a little boy, he'd start getting undressed in the car.
And, mind you, that was just for the dentist.
As he got older, he volunteered for medical studies.
Supported himself getting all sorts of experimental drugs pumped into him.
- Think she's finished? - Wait for it.
One year, he grew little boobies.
NILES: Hey there.
- Ah! MARTIN: Fras.
- Good morning, all.
Dear God.
Do you believe this? Ugh.
NILES: What? - A full-page ad.
"Cuddle up with Dr.
Zach.
" Yes.
As if some airbrushed picture of a pretty boy has anything to do with effective therapy.
He is awfully cute.
Mm.
Yet not so much you hate him for it.
All right, you know, that's the reason I keep losing to him in the ratings.
His station keeps flooding the marketplace with this useless tripe.
It's my turn now.
I'm gonna call my agent.
Let her earn her ten percent.
Tell you what, once Bebe gets through with the station, my face will be splattered all over this city.
That Bebe is a monster.
I don't know why you chose her.
Yeah, what possessed you? Oh, right, she did.
Yes, well, Bebe's evil, but she's my evil.
Better bring a newborn baby in case she gets hungry.
Frasier, all this over a picture in the paper? It seems a little petty.
FRASIER: It is not petty.
It's about getting my due as a respected member of this community, and as a titan of Seattle radio psychiatry.
Ha! Yeah, you're not so pretty with a moustache and a hairy mole now, are you? Ha.
Frasier Crane.
I wish my eyes were sore so you could be a sight for them.
Thank you, Bebe.
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Oh, there's no such thing as short notice for my favourite client.
Get Dr.
Crane some coffee, please.
So how may I serve you? Well, actually, um, KACL is not doing all it should to promote my show.
Say no more.
We'll put the fear of God into them.
We'll hold their feet to the fire till their skin crackles.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
Thank you, Bebe.
I knew I could count on you.
Well, it won't be me personally.
I think now is the time to unleash the newest member of Team Crane.
- What do you mean? - Well, you've become too big to be served by the efforts of one adoring mortal.
That's why I'm bringing on more firepower.
- Oh, I like the sound of that.
- Well, I thought you might.
Frasier, meet your new agent, Portia Sanders.
Pleased to meet you.
Well we've met.
Several hundred times.
- Uh, this is your assistant.
- Not anymore.
- Now she's a full-fledged junior agent.
- She brings me coffee.
She'll bring you Juan Valdez on a donkey, if that's what you want.
I thought we should start by scheduling a meeting to get more acquainted.
We've met.
You've only met Portia the assistant, the girl who spent the last four years answering phones and getting your coffee just right.
Well, Portia the agent plans to take that same attention to detail when representing you.
I'm sorry, but you've never gotten my coffee right.
But you never said anything before.
Yes, I have.
Every time.
Portia, will you give us a minute? Is this about me? Because I would love the opportunity to address any concerns.
Just go outside.
- I'll be outside if you need me.
- Yes, yes, that's good to know.
[GIGGLES.]
Seems innocent, doesn't she? Almost naive.
That's the quality that sets the trap.
Then when she's lulled her prey, - she pounces like a tigress whose - All right, Bebe, what's going on here? - Are you fobbing me off? - Ouch.
Do you want the knife back, or shall I just keep it in my heart? Portia will merely be looking after the day-to-day details, freeing me up for the big picture.
- Really? - Of course.
You are the rock upon which this agency is founded, upon which we continue to thrive.
Oh, sorry to interrupt, Bebe, but we got reservations at 1:00.
FRASIER: Dr.
Zach? - What is he doing here? - Doctor who? I'm confused.
Who are you? For God's sake, Bebe.
You were supposed to meet me in the restaurant, whoever you are.
Bebe, how could you? I feel so betrayed.
And I am just as outraged as you are.
I see what's going on here.
You're trying to pass me off to your assistant so you can devote your attention to your new number one client.
Nonsense.
There is no one more important to me than you.
Then let him have the junior agent.
Frasier, we have done great things, you and I.
We've climbed this mountain together, and planted your flag.
Now I've discovered another young man who wants to plant his flag.
Would you deny me the chance to share in that adventure? - Yes.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be selfish.
You'll be fine with Portia.
Don't forget, she reports directly to me.
Bebe, throughout our relationship, I have put up with a lot, but I never doubted, for an instant, your devotion to my career.
Apparently, that is at an end.
And so, therefore, is my association with this agency.
And screw, may I add, you.
I was thinking we could have that meeting next Tuesday.
We have met.
Hey, Fras.
You just missed your new agent.
She sent those.
I didn't miss her.
I was hiding in the stairwell till she left.
And Portia is not my new agent.
She is Bebe's minion, her little winged monkey.
The woman has been hounding me.
I had to turn off my cell phone.
God only knows how she got the new number.
Oh, Dr.
Crane, did the woman from the Publisher's Clearing House reach you? She seemed quite insistent.
- She sounds like a real go-getter.
FRASIER: I don't care if she is.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I go back to Bebe's agency.
Well, uh, you're not gonna send back the flowers and muffins, are you? - I don't see any muffins.
- I mean, if she had sent muffins.
Don't worry, Dad, there will be muffins aplenty.
Now that I am agent-less, the word will spread like wildfire.
You be prepared for this phone to start ringing right off the hook.
I didn't mean literally.
I know, but how great would that have been? You say, "Phone's gonna start ringing," and boom.
FRASIER: Yes, yes, yes.
The truth is I'm excited.
I'm excited about having a new agent.
I'm excited about being excited about my career again.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, so close.
And so it begins.
The sharks smell Crane in the water.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's just see which one of them's hungriest, shall we, hmm? Hello.
Yes, could you hold on for just one moment, please? - It's for you, Dad.
- Oh, thanks.
Hello? Oh, hi, Dr.
Stewart, thanks for calling me back, um, I was hoping you could refill my prescription without me coming into the office.
Oh, come on, doc, my son's a doctor, and he says I look fine.
A psychiatrist.
Okay, okay.
I'll be in there tomorrow.
Bye.
- I hope you're satisfied.
- Oh, Dad, we've discussed this.
I'm happy to drive you to the doctor, but I can't just write you a prescription.
I would never violate my ethics like that.
- Have you asked Frasier? - Yeah.
He gives me the same old baloney you do.
Look, I've been taking this medicine for four years, Niles.
I don't need an exam, I just need a refill.
- No.
DAPHNE: Here's a thought.
Niles, you're a doctor.
Why don't you give your father a full medical examination? That way, you'll both be satisfied.
- Can you pick me up at 1? - Yeah.
[FRASIER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO.]
Knock-knock.
I'm looking for Frasier.
Oh, ahem, he's not working today.
Then why am I hearing his show? Well, we play The Best of Crane on Wednesdays.
Oh.
Well, would you please ask him to call Portia? - It's really important.
- Sure.
FRASIER: - And I know it's never easy, Rachel, but you and your husband won't get anywhere until you confront your problems head-on.
We'll be right back, Seattle, after the news.
Can't dodge her forever.
I won't have to, Roz, as soon as I have a new agent.
- Have there been any calls? - No, sorry.
What? What the hell is going on? I mean, surely someone would be interested in representing me.
I still have a viable career, even if arguably it may or may not be going through what might be perceived by some as a tiny lull.
There you are.
I was leaving you a note on the windshield of your car, and I said to myself, "His car's here, so he's here.
So why am I leaving a note on his windshield?" [CHUCKLES.]
- Here.
FRASIER: Yes.
Portia.
I'm sure you're a lovely person, and I I applaud your effort to find a new career, but not at the expense of my own.
But you haven't heard my ideas yet.
Nor will I.
How can I make this any clearer to you? You are not my agent.
You are not going to be my agent, not now, not ever.
So go practise on someone else's time and leave me alone.
[PORTIA CLEARS THROAT.]
That was brutal.
Don't worry, Roz, I'll be okay.
She seems very persistent.
That's not such a horrible thing to have in an agent.
I'd rather have no agent at all than let Bebe win.
That's not such a bad idea.
I don't need an agent.
I can represent myself.
I mean, I have some insight into the human mind.
I think that would be helpful in negotiations.
My God, I should have thought of this sooner.
Just think of the money I could save.
Isn't that what you said when you cut your own hair? No.
That was just an emotional response to an unruly cowlick.
Okay, fine.
So you represent Frasier Crane.
Now what? Well, for one, I'll do what Bebe couldn't do.
I'll get Kenny to boost the advertising budget for our show.
Well, you already asked him that.
He said no.
Yes, that was Dr.
Frasier Crane asking.
Now it's Agent Crane, licensed to charm.
[FRASIER CHUCKLES.]
- What is it, doc? Is this about promos? - No.
Would you? Do you believe this guy? [ROZ AND FRASIER LAUGH.]
No, Kenny.
Listen, I've been thinking.
You know, I think it's high time that you and I got together outside of the workplace.
So there's a little club downtown that I go to.
How would you like to join me tomorrow for a little, uh Little massage, a little steam, huh? Huh? - What do you say? - Are you kidding? I'm front and centre with a fistful of singles.
Kenny, ha, ha, it's not that kind of club.
Oh.
Fives? What is wrong with you? It's an athletic club with, uh, squash courts and a swimming pool.
Oh.
Right.
Gotcha.
Hmm, sure you're happy.
You're not gonna be spending the next hour sitting bare-assed on some cold steel table.
[NILES SIGHS.]
And neither are you, you big baby.
I'm sorry.
I'd help if I could, Dad, but I swore an oath.
[SIREN WAILS.]
Oh, I wonder what this is about.
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.
Good afternoon, officer.
Uh, I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Actually, son, you made an illegal left turn back there.
Thank you, Dad.
Licence and registration, please.
Uh, you know, officer, my father here is no stranger to the rules of the road.
Isn't that right, Dad? Yes, sir, he is, uh, intimately acquainted with Lady Law.
Aren't you, Dad? Just a concerned citizen.
I'll be right back.
Why didn't you flash your badge and get me out of a ticket? I would've, Niles, but I took an oath too.
- Oh - However, if you were to take out that prescription pad - Are you blackmailing your own son? - I'd write fast.
There's nothing I can do once he writes that ticket.
Officer? Yes? Uh, yeah, officer, um I was wondering if maybe you could give my son a break.
Uh, I don't think he'll be doing that again.
Well, uh, I guess this time I can let it slide.
[OFFICER CHUCKLES.]
- Drive carefully.
- Oh, I will.
Thank you, sir.
[MARTIN LAUGHING.]
What? I got news for you.
You didn't make an illegal left turn.
That's a buddy of mine.
I set the whole thing up to get you to write me my prescription.
[MARTIN LAUGHING.]
I got news for you.
I just drew you a picture of a dog.
[BARKS.]
So, what'd you think? - Oh, I could get addicted to that.
- Here.
Yeah.
- What was that stuff? - Steam.
- Oh, it felt so great.
- Ah.
- Everything's great here.
- Ah.
I can't believe I never heard of this place.
They should advertise or something.
You know, speaking of advertising, I think our recent dip in the ratings is due to a lack of advertising.
Oh, what's to advertise, doc? Your show's nine years old.
Unless there's some new angle to promote, it's money better spent elsewhere.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I noticed a basket of free combs by the sink.
- Dr.
Crane.
- Aah! Portia, what the hell are you doing here? This is a private club and a men's locker room.
Get out.
Not until you give me a chance.
Look, I told you I'm not interested.
Hey, doc, can I borrow your roll-on? I left mine at home.
Hey! Ah, you must be Kenny Daly.
I'm Portia Sanders, Frasier's agent.
- She is not my agent.
- I'm naked.
How much are you prepared to increase the man's advertising budget? Zero, and again, naked.
Kenny, look, I apologise for this.
Portia, you're leaving.
- Not until he hears me out.
- Well, forget it.
I'm out of here.
Hey.
What are you doing? Taking your pants.
You'll get them back when I'm finished.
Okay, you're saving a few bucks on advertising, but with a little investment now, you can make a bundle when we syndicate.
Are you kidding? Who's gonna wanna syndicate Frasier? Hey.
No, no, no offence, doc, but if you were gonna syndicate All right! Sit down and listen up! Ooh.
Legs together.
All right, maybe you two don't see the potential for syndication, but I do.
Sure the big markets are harder to crack, but we'll start smaller.
KPCD in Medford, KBAB in Boise.
They're changing formats.
After the beginning of the year, they're gonna need new programming.
Soon we'll have a vast and viable audience.
Oh, think of it.
The obsessive-compulsive on his tractor.
The bipolar cop on his beat.
The soccer mom seething with rage.
And they're all out there across this great land of ours - just waiting for you to help them.
- I've always thought that.
Yes.
But I can't do any of this unless you start backing us up with some advertising.
And you, oh, you've got to be ready to schmooze every station manager from Portland to the other Portland.
I'm hungry for this.
I need you both to be as hungry as I am.
- Are you hungry? - I'm starving.
Me too.
Great.
Call my office Monday morning and we'll go over the details.
FRASIER: Wow.
That was my very first locker-room pep talk.
Mine too.
- She took your pants, you know.
- I know.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]