Frasier s09e13 Episode Script

- You could live here.
- Are you asking me? - Would you like to? - Would you like me to? - Yeah.
- Then I will.
I gave the greatest speech of my condo-board career, which lead to a vote, which lead to the ruling that Cam Winston must now park that SUV monstrosity of his in the sub-basement.
You think that's smart, ticking off the guy who lives right above us? - Well, the move's off.
- What? Just temporarily.
My parents are coming for a visit.
Just to clarify, you're going to stay here, but your parents are going to stay with me.
I'm so glad you understand.
If she thinks you're a virgin, how are you going to explain our plan to live together? I wonder how important it is that she ever finds out.
- Dad scarpered.
- He left? SIMON: Yeah.
- It's true.
Thank goodness I have my children to lean upon.
Oh, don't cry, Mum.
I really thought this junket to America would cheer you up.
It still can.
Get out there and see the country.
Yes, immerse yourself in the spectacle and the grandeur that are these United States, this America.
How did you do that? Cam Winston! It was a good idea, taking Mum out today.
- Helped take her mind off Dad.
- Yeah.
Though I'm not sure the zoo was the best idea.
The sight of those amorous wolverines seemed to set her back a bit.
Amorous? I thought they were trying to kill each other.
Well, either way, it seemed to remind her of something.
Hello, Mrs.
Moon.
Would you care for a bite to eat? Oh, that would be lovely, if I thought I could keep anything down.
How could your father do this to me? You sleep down the hall from someone for 40 years, you think you know them I know you're upset, Mum, but it's not like you and Dad had a perfect marriage.
That's because there's no such thing.
You young, modern people think marriage is some sort of promenade through paradise, when it's more like a march through hell with a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies swinging from your teats.
Yeah, obviously this is a very upsetting time for all of us.
But remember, tomorrow is another day.
You're right, dear.
And the sooner you get home to bed, the sooner it'll be here.
But it's only 9:30.
And with every tick of the clock, your womanly resistance weakens.
And before you know it, he'll be on top of you like one of those bloody badgers at the zoo.
Actually, those were wolverines, and there's a chance they may have been fighting.
It has been a long day.
Maybe it's best if I leave.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow, Mum.
- Good night, Niles.
- Good night.
Well, hey, you still up? Can't sleep.
Every time I look outside, I feel like I'm living inside a giant clown's pocket.
I tell you, Cam Winston has not heard the last of this.
I am calling an emergency meeting of the condo board tomorrow morning.
You can't fight this, Fras.
It'll just look like you're attacking the flag.
I'm not attacking the flag.
Cam is using the flag to attack me.
You're right, but you're still gonna lose.
But the building has bylaws about this sort of thing.
If this was anything but the American flag, people would demand that it be taken down.
Face it, Fras, Cam's got you on this one.
- Boy, I have to say, that guy is smart.
- Oh, really? If he's so smart and you're so smart, why don't you two live together? At least he's got a view.
What on earth do you think you're doing? Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you was here.
Oh, Frasier, this is Loretta.
Loretta Well, you know who you are.
[LAUGHING.]
[GASPS.]
I love your curtains.
I'm sorry, but we are not entertaining guests this evening.
You'll have to leave.
Wait.
You told me this was your place.
You're probably not even the duke of England.
Oh, yeah? Then why do I talk this way? Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you? I've just about had it with you, Simon.
You have blown my speakers, you have clogged my Jacuzzi and you have ingested half of my bath products.
You are no longer welcome in my home.
- What exactly are you implying? - Get out! Fras, you can't throw him out.
Where's he gonna go? Oh, he'll land on his feet.
Probably end up shacking up with some two-bit floozy.
Simon.
- What are you doing here? - Hello, love.
It appears that the front door to the building is locked.
Yeah, that's how we keep drunks from wandering in.
Well, I seem to be without appropriate accommodation at the moment.
I just thought I'd take you up on your kind and generous offer.
I never said you could stay here.
Well, Frasier's thrown me out.
All right, well, sleep in Martin's Winnebago.
Well, wouldn't I love to do that, but when I got down there, there was this gigantic Humvee blocking the door.
Simon, this isn't my problem.
- Well - You have got to go.
Look, Roz, I'll level with you.
I know that we've had a chequered history, and I'm probably not the sort of person that you'd want in your house.
But I'm asking for your help.
As a friend.
As Daphne's brother.
Please, just let me stay one night.
You won't even notice me.
Just the tiniest spot on the floor would be a gift.
Look, I'll be gone in the morning.
I'll never darken your doorstep again.
Please, Roz, I've got nowhere else to go.
All right.
I'll make up the couch for you.
Oh, thank you, Roz.
You have got a good heart.
Yeah.
Climb on up, Suzy.
We're golden.
[SIMON LAUGHS.]
She can swing on a pole for two hours, but she can't climb up a drainpipe to save her life.
Hey, what? Heads up, Suzy! Two, please.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, show us what you got.
I've got a king, a jack, a ten and two sixes.
- Two sixes, then.
- And a king.
I'm sorry, love.
I've got aces over deuces.
Well, that's the last of my mad money.
I guess I'll have to win it back some other night.
You better make it soon.
I won't be around much longer.
Not if you keep biting those filters off, you won't.
No.
I mean I'll be going back to England soon.
Well, it's nice enough here.
But you and Daphne aren't the most exciting people, are you? No, as soon as I've sorted myself out, Simon and I are back on the plane.
Really? You are? Uh, can I do anything to help sort? Thank you, no.
Oh, the shock's worn off, really.
And I've come to realise I've spent most of my life taking care of a layabout husband.
Well, now it's my turn to be taken care of.
Thank God I've got Simon.
- Simon's gonna be taking care of you? - Oh, of course he will.
I know he plays the fool sometimes, but he'd never let me down.
Well, you've made a lot of progress in a short amount of time, and I can't tell you how happy I am.
Oh.
Heh.
You good for a few more hands? Why not? Oh, I'm out of money.
Oh, not to worry.
We can play for rubs.
Oh! I'll get my coin collection.
[BLOWING.]
Still awake, Dr.
Crane? Yes.
It's almost dawn's early light, and our flag is still there.
Daphne, as a subject of the British realm, does it make you feel uncomfortable to have your residence draped in the American flag? And, if so, would you be willing to say that at a condo-board meeting? Personally, I find it a cosy reminder of the land I dreamed of living in as a child.
Off I go.
Simon, I thought Dr.
Crane kicked you out.
- He did.
You don't see me.
- What are you doing here? Well, I'm just getting some provisions for my trip.
What trip? Well, I just thought I'd go meet some mates in California.
You can't run out on Mum.
She's counting on you.
She's got the other boys back home.
They've all sided with Dad.
You know that.
You're all she's got.
I'm not cut out to take care of Mum.
She's too demanding.
She turned Dad into a shiftless drinker.
I can't have her doing that to me.
So you're gonna leave in the middle of the night and not even tell her? Look, if you wanna take care of Mum, that's your choice, but I've got to live my life.
You are so selfish.
For once in your life, you have a chance to be responsible.
Be a man.
Do right by your family.
Why don't you think about that before you go flitting off to California? I'm sorry, Daphne.
Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I don't have it in me.
It's not who I am.
I'll see you.
[KNOCKING.]
Wait, wait, wait, quiet, quiet.
Don't wake your mother.
I just got her down.
What are you doing here? Something terrible has happened.
Simon's left.
- What do you mean, left? - He's gone.
He's left me to take care of Mum.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I may have to go back to Manchester with her for a while.
- No, you can't.
You have a life here.
- Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't have her stay at Dr.
Crane's.
There's no room.
Well, you can both live here.
Oh, Niles, you know she'll never go for that arrangement.
NILES: Mm A bit late at night for a single lady to be in a man's home, isn't it? I'm here because Simon's left.
Off to California, to do God knows what.
Oh.
Well, that's courageous.
Good to see him finally taking charge of his life.
He's not taking charge.
He left because he doesn't wanna take care of you.
That is not so.
Simon is a special boy.
He wasn't meant to be kept at home.
He has dreams.
You wouldn't understand that.
Now, you listen to me, Mum.
In case you haven't noticed, I've got dreams too.
I even moved halfway across the world to make a life for myself.
Do you admire that? No, you don't even acknowledge it.
Oh, and by the way, I'm no virgin.
Haven't been for years.
You remember that boy with the lazy eye you hated so much? Yeah, he was my first.
Did it right in the parlour where you take your tea.
Then there was the German who fixed Dad's car.
Oh, yeah, and that Irish chap I fancied who was twice my age and had his own van and a band.
Then I came to America.
Shall I go on? Well, I am a grown woman who's made her own life and her own decisions.
Now, I plan to shack up with Niles here, and damned if we aren't gonna do it every night of the week.
Now, that's the way it's gonna be, Mum, and if you don't like it, that's just tough.
Is that so? Well, if that's how you repay me for all my sacrifice - Oh, don't even start.
- Fine.
Just for that, I'm not spending another night under this roof.
I intend to fetch my things, find a hotel and be on the first flight home tomorrow.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God, look at me.
I'm shaking.
It just came gushing out.
- Once I started, I couldn't stop.
- I know, it's all right.
You were great.
You were great.
I have never been prouder of you.
I can't believe I talked to my mother that way.
You must have been pretty outraged to have invented all those former lovers.
- What? Oh, yes, right, of course.
- All those former lovers Yeah.
I'm actually surprised she's leaving so easily.
I thought she'd milk it a bit more.
Just so you know, I won't be needing a lift to the hotel.
- I shall call a taxi.
- Whatever you want.
You'll see.
I don't need any of you rotten ingrates.
- I can take care of myself.
- Glad to hear it.
Ow.
Ow DAPHNE: What happened? - Ow.
NILES: Oh, oh, oh, are you hurt? - Oh, of course I'm hurt.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, get me ice.
- All right, all right, all right.
Okay.
- And whisky.
Not that cheap stuff.
- I don't know how I'm gonna fly now.
- Sit down.
The pain is unbearable.
Though I know I'm not welcome here.
Oh, I can't say I blame you.
No sense burdening yourself with an old woman.
Who can't take care of herself.
And has nowhere else to go.
Oh, don't be silly.
You can stay here as long as you like.
Well, move along.
The whisky's not pouring itself.
Are we fiercely patriotic? Yes.
But how do we best demonstrate that? Not by infringing on the rights and balconies of others, but as most good Americans do, in our hearts, with generous spirit and quiet reverence.
I respectfully submit that when we display the flag as Mr.
Winston has, it flies in the face of the very freedoms for which it stands.
Thank you.
Cam, rebuttal? Uh, the last thing I wanted was to create conflict.
I was merely trying to boost the morale of the community.
And so you have.
[CHATTERING.]
I move that the flag stays.
[CHATTERING.]
All right, all right, very well, then.
But perhaps we could display it on the north side of the building for the benefit of our Canadian neighbours.
That was my first instinct, but it can't be illuminated at night from that side.
- Lighting is a must.
- Absolutely.
MRS.
RICHMAN: Then it's settled.
All right, just hold on a second! You people are being hoodwinked.
The only reason Cam hung that flag was to get the better of me.
He knows I bought the apartment for its view.
No, you bought that apartment because you're free.
Maybe you can have a view from your balcony in Iraq.
Yes, move to Iraq.
[IN UNISON.]
Move to Iraq.
Move to Iraq.
- Move to Iraq.
- Wait.
Wait! I am just as much an American as every one of you.
Perhaps Cam could just tell us how long he intends to display our beautiful flag.
CAM: Hmm.
How about until there's world peace? Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, come on.
There's never gonna be world peace.
[CROWD SHOUTING.]
Maybe there would be world peace if there were more people like Cam and fewer people like you.
Oh, now, just a second [SINGING.]
O beautiful, for spacious skies For amber waves of grain For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain! America - All right, what do you want? - Your parking spot.
You'll make all this stop? Well, there is the matter of the flag.
I can't just take it down now.
All right, suggest the roof.
I'll even spring for the flagpole.
[SINGING.]
From sea to shining sea Everyone.
Hey, everyone.
Everyone.
The America we love is one of good neighbours.
In order to foster that, I have decided to move my flag to the roof.
[CHATTERING.]
This will not only serve to mend fences, but it will provide all of Seattle a view of our precious Stars and Stripes.
[CHATTERING.]
- You've done it again, Cam.
- He certainly has.
And in the spirit of reciprocity, I will provide the flagpole.
Ha-ha-ha.
And any necessary lighting.
Ha-ha-ha.
Credit grabber.
Oh, come on, we're all in agreement here.
[SINGING.]
O beautiful, for spacious skies Come on, everybody.
For amber waves of grain Oh, all right, I'll see you next week.
Ah.
How'd things go at the doctor? Couldn't find anything wrong with the knee.
Big surprise.
Then why did they give me sedatives, smarty? Because I begged him.
- Oh, fetch me my water.
- Oh, I'll get it.
I know how she likes it.
Oh, but I know where the glasses are.
- I am so sorry about this.
- It's all right.
We'll manage.
I can live with anything, as long as I can live with you.
GERTRUDE: I'm still waiting out here.
It's coming.
Pipe down.
Why? Am I interrupting your dirty sex? It's gonna be interesting, the three of us living together.
Daphne, this is stupid.
We should just wait till she's gone.
No, I said I was moving in, and I'm going to.
It took your whole life to assert your independence from this woman.
I can't ask you to live under the same roof.
- I can't ask you to live with her either.
- Oh, well, it's just temporary.
And you know what? She bothers you a lot more than she bothers me.
GERTRUDE: Don't empty the sink, I'm soaking my smalls.
Well, ahem, we waited this long.
- I love you, Niles.
- Mm.
I love you too.
And I promise, as soon as she's on a plane for England, I'm here.
Mrs.
Moon, did the doctor mention anything about when you'd be able to fly? No, didn't say a word about flying.
That's probably a bad sign, eh? Yeah.