Frasier s10e02 Episode Script

F R A S I E R (10x02) - Enemy at the Gate - When the phone company says they will be at your door between the hours of nine and noon, they have entered into a verbal contract.
If they show up at 12:47, they are in breach of said contract.
- Again, I agree.
- Well, I just shouldn't have waited for them, that's all.
Now my entire day is thrown off.
- Still, I appreciate your taking the time to give me a lift.
- Yes, well, when you informed me you had to get to the promenade shops posthaste, I assumed it was an actual emergency - not to return a cage for some silly lovebirds.
It may not be on the order of a fallen pant cuff, but until I get home with something more secure, little Daphne and Niles are living under a colander.
Dear God don't tell me you actually named them after yourselves.
Big mistake, I admit.
This morning when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse "what if she meets a bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?" Trust me.
- No one is more birdly than Niles.
- Thanks.
What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don't these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do! Frasier, relax, you're not on for another hour and a half.
That can't be right.
Oh, Dear God! My show's on in fifteen minutes! I had no idea it was so late.
You can just drop me out front.
I'll get a cab home.
I'm afraid I'll have to.
Damn it! Dad did this.
I tell you, he gets in here, he wants to hear his favorite radio station, and starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines! Excuse me, we've changed our minds.
We won't be parking.
- Two dollars.
- No, you see, we just came in for a second and decided not to park.
- Just check the time on the ticket.
- It's two dollars for any portion of twenty minutes: one second, ten minutes, whatever.
Unless you go over, then it's two more dollars.
Forgive me, perhaps I'm not being clear.
You see, I mistakenly pulled in here, decided not to park, and now I'd like to just get out.
Two dollars.
- I have two dollars.
- Put that away! Sorry.
You come in, you pay.
That's policy.
Oh, really? It just so happens that I have a few policies of my own, and one of them is that I do not pay good money for nothing! - Well, not for nothing, but your car's taking up space on the property.
- That's not parking! - It looks parked to me.
- But it's been continually in motion! - It's stopped.
- But it's still running.
- It's parked.
Look, the fee is two dollars.
- There's nothing you can do.
- Is that so? - Do you hear that? - Yes, and it makes sense to me.
Fine.
Have it your way.
- What are we doing, Frasier? - If I'm going to be paying for parking, we are going to get our twenty minutes' worth.
THE TERRIER PUZZLES OK, what we need now is a side piece with some ear and a little bit of sky.
Ear with sky ear with sky Well, this is it.
Sorry it's taken me so long to pick up the last of my things.
Oh, no problem.
Frasier's not having the carpet people here til Friday.
Oh, really? When it was my room, he said the carpet's good for another twenty years.
Yeah, well, now it's going to be a reading sanctuary.
- He's turning my room into a library? - No, he made it very clear it was a "reading sanctuary.
" A library implies sharing.
- I think there are some pieces missing from this one.
- You always say that, keep looking.
Why do I even do this stupid thing? Some puzzle, there's a picture of what's it's going to look like right on the box! You always say that, too.
- What's wrong, Eddie? - Come, boy! He must know you're moving.
He gets this way whenever I bring out my suitcase.
He knows I'm going away and he starts raising hell.
Boy, come! - Yeah, that's what it looks like.
- Well, there's nothing to get upset about.
- I'll be here every day for your physical therapy.
- You hear that, boy? She'll be here every day to torture your master.
- What should I do? - Maybe it'd distract him if you made me lunch.
Hold it, man! Dumbass! - Other motorists are getting angry.
- If they weren't so shortsighted, they'd see that I'm doing this for their own good.
It's like correcting people's grammar - I don't do it to be popular.
And I support that, but in this case I strongly feel we should pay the money and get out of here before there's violence.
Niles, they can get around us if they want to.
So what, it takes them an extra two seconds! It's a small price to pay for making the universe a better place.
- OK, but we're also inconveniencing ourselves.
- Niles, you'll get home to your stupid, filthy birds soon enough! - I meant that your radio show is about to start dumbass.
- Right.
- Where the hell's the doc? - He still isn't here.
It's almost showtime! I swear to God, nobody here has any discipline! I'm starting to think, I've been too loose with the leash! I mean, gee whiz, I try to make everyone happy and all it gets me is a twisted gut.
Well, no more! This Saturday, we're gonna have a staff meeting, we're gonna hash out some rules! - I'm busy Saturday! - Well, it's not mandatory.
Roz Doyle.
Frasier! Where are you? What? He's at some mall, he's still got ten minutes of parking left.
You know, you don't have to use the full twenty minutes.
He knows that.
What are you doing? What?! You lost me after "Gandhi.
" Just stall.
I don't know, read some fan mail if you have to.
There must be! Check in my Inbox! Oh, never mind! I'll be there when I get there, and when I do, I will have a little speech for my listeners about the Power of One! Sounds like everybody's a winner today.
Are you being snide? Because that's not healthy.
- Well, I'll just go return my birdcage.
- Niles! You shut that door! - You can't desert me in the middle of a fight! - I'm not deserting you.
It would appear to others that you are, thereby weakening my position.
Please, you must stay.
- What the hell is going on here? - I'm glad you asked me that question.
I am making a stand against this garage that holds me, my passenger, and my automobile hostage for a parking fee which I do not owe.
- He don't want to pay two dollars.
- Look, I already told you, it's not about the money.
In fact, to prove it's not about the money, I will donate two dollars to the charity of your choice.
Only rich people have time for this kind of crap! Just pay the two bucks, Mr.
BMW ! My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles? Yes, I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
- I told my boss I have a non-pay.
- Oh! You see, Niles, this happens so often, - they actually have a name for us.
- More than one, I bet.
Just sign the form that says, "unable to pay," and send us a check.
Well, I'm certainly not going to send you a check.
Look, most people don't, just sign the form so I can get this gate open.
- Oh, Frasier, it's an out! You should take it.
- Niles, I refuse to sign anything that says I am unable to pay! It's untrue! Look, I really don't care, Jack, I just got to get this lane re-opened.
Now it's either two dollars or the form, so I can put it in my drawer.
You know my terms: you will receive your money when the twenty minutes is up.
- Fine.
Then I'll put in my own money! - No, no, you can't do that! It's too late, it's on me! Go ahead, Mr.
Beemer! Don't you call me that! You put that down right now, we're not going anywhere! AAAAHHHH!!! I can't do this anymore, Frasier! Excuse me.
- What are you talking about? - Do you really want justice? - Or is this just an outlet for your bad mood? - I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD! Oh fine, just go! And bravo for staying on a whole ten minutes! Goodbye! I don't blame you for bailing on that idiot.
- He's not an idiot.
He's just passionate.
- I think he's an idiot.
Suit yourself, idiot.
That idiot happens to be my brother.
Don't these people realize I'm on their side? I don't think they care, so long as you're in their lane.
I'm doing this for all of you! Don't you understand? No, no, come out here and explain it to us! Don't even think about it, Frasier, that man wants to hit you.
I'm not afraid.
People, please! I am not the enemy! I am your champion! - Well, we got places to be, so move yo' ass! - Yeah, move it! - But I'm doing this for all of us! - If you want to do something for me, - get out of the way! - You save the protest for your own driveway! If you could only see things from my point of view, then I'm sure you'd agree with me! You see, I pulled into this garage, decided not to park, and now I want to leave, but they still insist on collecting two dollars! Is that fair? - Has a service been provided? - Even if it's a rip-off, - it's better than causing a big stink! - Ah! But is it? I say no! I say we've been trod upon long enough by people who are supposed to be providing our services! By the postmen who mix up our deliveries! By the telephone repairmen who swear to be there between nine and noon, and yet arrive at 12:47, when you're wearing nothing but a towel and a hatful of shampoo! Well, ENOUGH! I invoke my right to peaceful protest! Civil disobedience is a cornerstone of this country, for it is how the common man is heard! - Can you tow it? - Not with them in it.
Well, that's just tough luck! Because we ain't budging.
- You'll have to call the police.
- Good idea! It's about time! Yeah! GO AHEAD! I think I made a mistake.
- Maybe it's time to back down.
- I'm not sure that I can.
I am right, after all.
My principles are holding me captive.
Your principles may have started this, but it's your rigidity that's kept it going.
My rigidity? The rigid ones are the ones who operate this garage, - and enforce such inflexible policies.
- You've been given more than one opportunity to leave without paying! Yes, but that's not the point! They have to know why I won't pay.
Which you could explain in a letter! But no, you won't be satisfied until everyone either agrees with you, or has suffered for failing to! - Do you really think so? - I do.
Well that's quite an indictment.
I never really thought of myself as uncompromising.
Well, not in a bad way.
I'm not sure I like this side of myself.
Well, you can still change course.
If you can leave here without getting your full twenty minutes' worth, you'll be the bigger person for it.
Yes, but then these taunting motorists won't know that I'm being the bigger person.
They'll think they've gotten the better of me, or that I'm afraid to be arrested.
- The bigger person doesn't worry about what other people think.
- Damn! I DO want to be the bigger person, it's just so hard! You know, we wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you and that ridiculous birdcage! Oh, come on, I can only change one character flaw at a time! You were right about distracting him, he seems fine now.
As soon as you head for that door again, he's gonna have a fit.
Let me get you some dog treats to give him.
I don't understand.
I may sleep across town, - but I still see him all the time.
- Well, you got to look at it from Eddie's point of view.
This person who's meant so much to him isn't going to be living here anymore.
For nine years, he's felt the comfort of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning, and he's come to depend on that.
Now everything's changed.
Ah, would you look at that.
He's probably gonna get on my bed to pout.
- I think he'll adjust.
- Well, who knows? Old dogs get used to a certain routine.
And as tough as they might look, they get lonely.
Well, I guess he'll adjust eventually.
You know, maybe I haven't been coming around enough lately.
- Why don't you and I make a regular appointment to walk him together? - Oh, geez, that'd be great! I have to check with him, but he's free most of the time.
Why don't we start tomorrow morning? That way I can have breakfast with the old boy too.
He'd really like that.
Then, on Friday, it'll be fish sticks with tater tots and a fruit cup.
That takes care of the St.
Victoria's Elementary lunch schedule for the next month.
We'll be back to tackle St.
Victor's, after this! Holy buckets, what are you doing?! - Take some calls! - I'm not a shrink, I can't tell people what to do! Yeah, that always stops you women.
Just rap about something, open up a discussion, you know? - The station I.
D.
's over, go! - Oh, OK! Hello again, everybody! Well, we're still waiting on Dr.
Crane.
So, until he gets here, let's hear what's on your minds! You know the number, give me a call.
- and I made a big mistake.
- Go on.
I slept with my boss.
Now things at work are super uncomfortable.
Well, Mark, I feel for you.
I've been there myself.
What you ought to do is just talk it out with your boss.
- You went through this too?? - Yeah.
and it was weird for a while, but now, things are just fine.
Who else out there needs my advice? Let me hear your calls.
You're on the air.
How can I solve your problem? Actually, I was calling about something else, but when you say, "now things are fine," - it sounds like you still work with this person.
? - What? No, no! I worked with this person a long, long time ago.
Then why'd you say "now"? Because I don't speak so good? - Isn't Dr.
Crane your boss?? - Well, no, I like to think of Frasier as a "colleague.
- Oh, now he's "Frasier"! - Yeah, I mean, it's just that I I think you did Frasier.
Frasier, you are not a prisoner of your character.
You can decide right now that you're going to be the flexible one here.
Pay the money, and go! - I could break my pattern.
- Yes! I could just pay the money, without proving to everyone that I'm right, - without teaching them a lesson.
- Exactly! You can do it! Sir? - I'll have you know, I am leaving, with time to spare.
- Congratulations.
Since you cannot understand the moral code for which I stayed here, I am sure you must be perplexed that I am leaving before the twenty minutes is up.
Suffice it to say, I am the bigger man for it.
And you, and your nefarious policy may now carry on, in what is highway robbery in the truest sense of the expression! Here is your ticket, and your ill-gotten two dollars.
Four dollars.
- Four dollars?! - You went over twenty minutes.
- It's two dollars for each portion of twenty minutes.
- But I already backed down! Well, if you had spared me the speech, you would have made it out in time.
Tough break, huh? Indeed Hold on, Niles.
I can't believe it! I mean, I always felt some chemistry between you and the doc, but - Wowza! This can't hurt ratings.
- Calm down, Kenny, it isn't true! Yeah, right.
- Hey, you didn't do it here at the station, did you? - Of course not! Hey, as long as it wasn't on my couch, who gives? Hey, the commercial's over.
And we're back, with our new topic: Cats or Dogs, Which Is Better? - Hello, caller, you're on the air.
- This is Jerry from Elliot Bay.
.
Which do you have, Jerry: cat or a dog? - Frasier, I am so sorry, I really screwed up! - It's all right, Roz.
I'll take care of everything.
I don't have either, I just want to know what's going on with Dr.
Crane.
Yes, well I'll bet you do, Jerry! Dr.
Frasier Crane here, Seattle.
I'm sorry I'm late.
It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits! She hasn't said much, but we'd like to hear it from you.
Well, it wasn't my finest hour.
Let's just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out! Frasier! There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me.
Fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let's face it, somebody to talk to.
You know, you'd be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you're watching the clock.
At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars!