Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s04e18 Episode Script
Measure Twice, Cut Once
1 Surprise! What is that? It's freedom.
Now that we're buying Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant, we can do whatever the heck we want.
Also, we're switching back to one-ply in the bathrooms.
Mm, I don't know We'll keep a roll of two-ply in the register for me and you.
No, not the toilet paper.
I don't know about buying back Kenny's share of the restaurant.
What do you mean? I thought we talked about this.
I thought you went down to the notary and got the papers signed.
I was going to, and then I hit that long light on 5th and I started debating, do we want to spend that kind of money right now? Maybe we should find another partner to buy Kenny's half.
Share the risk.
Share the profits, you mean.
Kenny's giving us his half for pennies on the dollar.
It's a great deal.
Hmm.
You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll add that to the pro column.
Pro I own the whole restaurant.
Con I own the whole restaurant.
You just wrote the same thing down twice.
Tricky, isn't it, how the same thing can be good or bad? This hasn't been very helpful.
Louis, you always do this.
You question and over-analyze and then you miss out on a great opportunity because you can't make up your mind.
Well, I like to measure twice, cut once.
Nothing's wrong with that.
No.
Dumb.
Me, I'm a woman of action.
You have to act first and then apologize later.
Like I have learned to do.
You never apologize.
I would if I had ever been wrong.
Listen, Louis, I know for a fact that we should buy back the restaurant.
How can you be so sure? Madame Xing foretold it.
Your psychic? She's never steered me wrong.
Hey, a lobster tank! Fun! Lobsters all piled on top of each other.
It's sad, actually.
I'm gonna go lie down.
[TANK BUBBLING.]
S04E18 Measure Twice, Cut Once Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat We've got to agree on something.
What about "Tommy Boy"? Please.
"Multiplicity.
" [ALL GROAN.]
Eddie, whatever you do, don't turn it to "Regis and Kathie Lee" Don't worry.
Which I gave up for 40 days of Lent to replicate the sacrifice of Jesus' 40-day trip into the desert.
Here we go.
Bible Boy is back.
My least favorite time of the year.
I forgive you, brothers.
Love the sinners, hate the sin.
Louis, I just talked to Madame Xing and she told me another reason why we should buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant I faced the exact same dilemma in a past life.
Could we not bring reincarnation into this, please? Xing says I was a cartographer in the Northwest Passage after the Louisiana Purchase.
I could have bought some pelts from a local tribe, but I hesitated and I froze to death.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Yeah, but what does any of this have to do with the restaurant? Oh, I think it's pretty clear.
The restaurant is our pelts.
You need to stop hesitating and buy it back so we don't get iced out of a great deal.
[TEETH GRINDING.]
We are not making any big decisions in our current life based on something Xing said you did in a past life.
[SCOFFS.]
I can't wait till I'm reincarnated.
I know who I'm coming back as.
The RZA.
Yeah [CRUNCH.]
Damn, Dave, these are the best ants-on-a-log I ever had.
Thanks, Eddie RZA.
Come on, Brian.
What's up, man? You're acting like Antarctica over here.
Get your ass in the pool.
It's heated.
Chlorine makes my skin itch.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, yo, Ho-Ho! Drain the pool and fill it up with meatballs.
The saucy ones.
Hell, yeah, Eddie RZA.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
That's not how reincarnation works.
I studied all the religions before enrolling into Jesus U.
[QUIETLY.]
Here comes the seminar.
Every time we die, our consciousness is reborn into another form.
Each life is an opportunity to improve ourselves.
If you do, your spirit transcends higher until you reach spiritual liberation.
And I have improved through all my lives.
That's how I became the perfect being you see before you.
[SNICKERS.]
That's bold.
I know.
In my next life, I plan on achieving my ultimate spiritual form Morning mist.
That's why I know we should buy back the restaurant.
I learned it three lives ago when I should have bought those beaver skins.
All right, listen, I agree with you.
We should buy back the restaurant.
Yes! It takes you a while, Louis, but you finally get there.
But not because of any vision Madame Xing had.
Because I called Silvia at Union Savings and had her run the numbers.
They're too good to pass up.
It doesn't make sense not to buy it.
So Silvia is your Madame Xing.
No, Silvia is a professional working in an accredited industry.
She uses math.
She has a CPA.
She graduated from FSU.
Okay, Louis.
Okay.
Okay, I need you to sign and initial these, roll your thumb through some ink, and we'll be done.
Very unhygienic.
That's why I brought my own ink.
We don't know if some pedophile co-signed for a van.
Lorenzo, what do you think I should do? - Me? - Him? Yes, what's your opinion on this? Should I buy the other half of the restaurant? Well, who owns it now? Louis, we decided this already.
Pee or get off the toilet.
I sit 'cause I don't like having my back to the door when I'm exposed.
I won't tell.
I'm just saying, this is a big decision.
Maybe we should sleep on it.
We just woke up from sleep! It's morning! I'm sorry, but I'm holding off.
- Ohh! - No thumbs today, Lorenzo.
What happened to all the lobsters? AMY: Matthew? Aren't you supposed to be at work? It's my day off! I thought that was Thursday? - I'm sick! - Watch it! As soon as Inspector Gadget gets out of here, I'm gonna drive you guys all to the Gulf.
[CHUCKLES.]
Except you.
You, I'm gonna keep.
Evan, cover your eyes and ears.
We're gonna watch "Baywatch.
" Sorry, you can't.
I'm taping "Regis and Kathie Lee.
" I plan to catch up on all the episodes I miss once Lent ends.
Doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice if you're gonna watch the episodes eventually.
The shows will be irrelevant by then.
That's the sacrifice.
So now we have to suffer so you can feel like you're superior to us? Not superior, just better.
Ugh! I cannot take 40 days of this.
Lent Evan is the worst.
We need to take him down a peg.
I don't know.
I think I'm done with all that stuff.
I'm maturing.
You farted into a Ziploc bag this morning and put it in the freezer to see if it would freeze.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, cool, let's mess with Evan.
Hey.
Louis, I understand you've had some trouble making a decision and I've been pushing you.
I know you're impulsive and I appreciate you coming to apologize Oh, no.
Hey.
No one is apologizing.
What? How do You aren't? No.
I found someone else to push you instead.
I flew in Madame Xing from D.
C.
! She was 10 minutes late picking me up at the airport.
But I had a vision she would be.
So, I had a quick cigar outside the terminal.
She'll give you a reading and tell you how many lives you've spent trapped by indecision so you can finally overcome your weakness.
[TEETH GRIND.]
You paid to fly your psychic in to give me a reading? Of course not.
I used our credit card points.
I was gonna use those to take the family to either Alaska or Hawaii.
You've been debating that trip for years.
If you had made a decision, then I wouldn't have the free miles to fly her out here.
Unbelievable! Louis, I'm just doing this to help you see that buying back the restaurant is a good idea.
Jessica, can I have some ice water? I have the cigar breath.
Of course, Madame Xing.
Don't open it.
One of Eddie's experiments.
This is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna put our future in the hands of your psychic.
She has a gift, Louis.
Her guidance about my book deal was dead on, she was right about Honey having a boy That's a 50-50 guess.
And she said that your restaurant would be successful when we first moved here.
Well, how do I know, like her, you're not making that up? [SIGHS.]
She also predicted that you would be hesitant.
That's why I bought her an open-ended ticket.
Yeah, she's not leaving until you let her give you a reading.
My first time to Florida.
Gonna do SeaWorld, Disney, swamp boat ride, maybe take a class at the community college.
Hmm.
The longer you resist, the more fun she'll see in her future.
What are you doing? We're throwing out our underwear so we won't be tempted.
Tempted? By what? After you left, we turned on "Regis and Kathie Lee.
" Usually, we'd never watch that crap.
[GASPS.]
But they did a really powerful segment on the true meaning of Lent and it convinced us to give it a try.
Regis and Kathie Lee are giving up underwear for 40 days.
So we're gonna try, too.
Why on Earth would Regis give up underwear?! Kathie Lee maybe.
So they could be more like Jesus.
Because he didn't wear underwear.
Excuse me! Jesus wore underwear.
Not according to them, he didn't.
They said it was too hot in the desert.
Plus, even if he did own a pair, you know he'd lend them to the less fortunate.
You guys are just messing with me.
Oh, yeah? How many times does it mention underwear in the Bible you're always reading? And you call yourself a student of religion.
If you don't believe us, watch the tape.
A-ha! You're trying to make me break Lent.
I should've known.
You never even watched the show.
Yes, we did.
Oh, yeah, then who was the guest? Reba McEntire.
Reba McEntire.
Ugh, that sounds right.
Come on, let's go find a super-cool homeless kid who needs underwear.
I'm trying to look back, but there's a spirit in the way.
You lost a family member? Yes, I've lost a relative.
Everyone has.
I haven't.
Louis, I told you she has a gift.
Stop fighting it.
Something else is coming into focus.
I see a past life.
- Hmm.
- One where you are a turtle.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Yes, that sounds right.
He makes decisions like a turtle Slow.
Okay, I don't see how anything you're seeing is supposed to help me.
Madame Xing can't help what she sees.
She's on a higher level.
Yes.
Now give me those nice hands.
[TEETH GRIND.]
[CRACK.]
Ow! I think I broke my tooth! In dreams, a broken tooth symbolizes a hidden frustration.
Not hidden, lady! I'm going to Marvin, see if he can fix this.
Decisive action.
That's progress.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Oh, yeah, you cracked your enamel.
You've been grinding your teeth.
I'm a little stressed.
Ah.
Same.
I'm meeting Honey for lunch.
We've been having a major battle about whether to circumcise the baby.
She doesn't want to? No, she says there's a lot of sensation in that part.
Nerve endings.
How does she know? Anyway, just lie back and enjoy the gas, Lou.
[GAS HISSING.]
I fought in the Navy.
I can't let it come out that I didn't circumcise my boy.
I go to reunions, it's gonna come up.
You know, there was a guy in our unit that, uh, well, he was, you know, natural.
[EAGLE CRIES.]
MADAME XING: I see a past life.
One where you are a turtle.
LOUIS: Pro we get to the other side of the road.
Con we die.
Maybe we should go for it.
It's been two hours, and not one car.
Although, it just increases the odds that one is about to come.
It's too dangerous.
Although Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? What What are you doing? Carl, don't just [CRUNCH.]
[GASPS.]
Aaaaaaaah! And what's it gonna be like when my son and I go to the sauna for the first time? [TOMMY LAUGHS.]
Fat guy in a little coat What is this movie? I can't follow any of this.
[MUFFLED.]
There might be some There might be something to this reincarnation stuff after all! Madame Xing said you'd come around.
As always, it takes you a while, but eventually you see that I am right.
No, actually, you were wrong.
I had a vision.
I was a turtle, and this other tur - You had a vision? - Yeah, I was a turtle I've never had a vision! You don't even believe.
I'm almost morning mist! I should be having a vision.
Not you.
How did you have a vision? EMERY: How's it going? You finding any underwear mentions in the Bible? Got another tape of "Regis.
" Day 2 of them not wearing underwear for Lent.
Regis still found a way to work in that he graduated from Notre Dame.
Why is it so important for a son to look like his father down there? When will anyone see you side by side? In the sauna.
Just snip the kid already.
If he's anything like his mother, he'll be a lazy cleaner.
Now gas me.
- What? - Jessica? I want a vision like the one Louis had.
So, ergh, ergh, ergh.
Uh, I just can't give gas to people for the fun of it.
I swore an ethical code of responsibility.
Well, then, have Honey crank the dial and you turn around.
Babe, you game? Sure, works for me.
[SIGHS.]
[GAS HISSING.]
I don't feel anything.
Turn it higher.
It's all the way up.
What is going on? I don't get it.
That amount of nitrous could knock out a rhino.
Are you giving me the cheap stuff? [SCOFFS.]
I thought we were friends.
Sub-par gas - Lunch? - I could eat.
Delayed reaction.
Sub-par gas, indeed.
JESSICA: It worked.
A vision.
I've achieved the ultimate level of being morning mist.
Ooh, does baby like the new humidifier? Marvin? Get out of my mist! Why are you talking like that? Who's my little pookie-wookie-wookie-wookie? - No! - Oh.
I've come back as Honey and Marvin's white baby?! Help.
I am Jessica Huang.
I'm supposed to be reincarnated as morning mist, not in this white baby cage! Oh! A party? Okay, listen up.
Before anyone gets too attached to me, I am not supposed to be here.
I was reborn in the wrong body.
Okay, time for your circumcision.
What?! I am a boy? No way.
I am out of here.
[BABY CRIES.]
Ahh, I can't do anything! But I'm a woman of action! Let's talk about this.
Don't just act, weigh the pros and cons.
No! So I was right! Your vision showed you that debating things is better than acting first.
No, it showed me the exact opposite.
How can you say that? You got circumcised! You wanted people to not rush in and mull.
You didn't let me finish.
You know what? That wasn't that bad.
I feel faster.
Streamlined.
Madame Xing, thank God! Release me from this vision! What a little cutie! Why are you holding my husband's nice hand? I still can't believe how quickly you guys got married.
What? [BABY GURGLES.]
I just threw up.
You let a piece of prime meat hit the market, it's gonna get snatched.
Xing, you viper! As soon as I can walk, I'm coming for you.
[STERNLY.]
Boys, use napkins.
ALL: Yes, Mommy Xing.
JESSICA: Well, I don't hate the discipline.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe your mom isn't here.
She's the one who convinced me to snip little Dan.
- Dan?! - I know.
I wish she and Madame Xing had never gone to the beach.
Such a freak accident.
They were debating whether to play volleyball or go kayaking when that rogue wave surprised Mom and swept her out to sea.
I married Madame Xing? I was right.
If I had acted quickly instead of debating, I would have lived instead of being eaten by the ocean.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
We're debating nitrous-gas dreams.
What about reality? Okay, let's talk reality.
You and I made a decision to buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant and now you get all wishy-washy? Well, maybe without Kenny Rogers and Michael Bolton's names on the sign, people would stop coming in.
Or maybe they wouldn't.
I don't know.
I just wanted more time to think it through.
Why do you have to talk everything to death? At least I don't act without thinking.
You bought a lobster tank on a whim! - That thing is beautiful! - It's empty! I don't know where Matthew or the lobsters went! How can we both be right? We're saying opposite things.
That's why I couldn't follow it.
That makes a lot of sense.
We do work well together.
You can't argue with success.
Insightful.
Maybe in your next life, you will come back as morning mist.
So what do you want to do about the restaurant? [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Well, I looked at my list and after carefully weighing the pros and cons, I think we should buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant.
Are you sure that's what you want? I'm sure.
I'm glad.
Because I already signed the papers with Lorenzo.
- What? - I acted before thinking, but that's what you love about me! When did you do this? Early on.
Very early.
I stopped Lorenzo in the parking lot as he was leaving Cattleman's.
Signed the papers on the hood of his car.
I Yang-ed it.
Then why fly in Madame Xing? Because you were so against it, I thought she could convince you.
I didn't know that Morning Mist over here was sitting on the Yin-Yang key.
Why did you tell me now? Because now you agree with me.
Dear Jesus, is it true they said on "Regis and Kathie Lee" that you didn't wear underwear? If I watch, I break Lent, but I need to know.
Please, just give me a sign.
I feel bad.
My heart.
There was no segment about Jesus' underwear.
We made it all up.
You work in mysterious ways, you all-knowing shepherd.
We're sorry.
It's just that you get so unbearable during Lent.
That's why we tried to get you to break.
But you got to forgive us, right? Your religion says so.
God forgives unconditionally.
But I don't.
I tell Mommy unless you make it up to me.
Good morning! I am Regis Philbin.
And I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.
I don't want to be Kathie Lee.
Can't we both be Regis? Don't be ridiculous.
America can't handle two Regises.
Now, do it like I wrote it.
We got a great show for you this morning.
Reba McEntire's here.
Caught her sound check.
You're in for a treat, America, so don't go anywhere.
Oh, what are we watching? Eddie and Emery are acting out a fake episode of "Regis and Kathie Lee" I wrote.
Great.
Where's Dad? Oh, he's Yin-ing out.
He's making a pro and con list about whether he's going to speak to me again.
It'll take him a while, but he'll come around eventually.
Did you see this? Some disturbing news out of Buffalo.
A truck jack-knifed off the interstate, killing 50 cattle and a hitchhiker.
I hitchhiked once.
[GASPS.]
Kathie Lee! This is good.
I know.
EMERY: [DEFENSIVELY.]
Reg, it was the '60s! Your face is red as a lobster.
I should throw you in the tank at the restaurant.
God knows there's room.
I was at Disney all day! I met Goofy.
Did you try and kill Mrs.
Goofy so you could have him all for yourself? What are you talking about? I had a vision.
You let me die and then you stole my husband.
You're fired, Xing.
But I'm your psychic.
You need me! I'll find a new psychic.
One who's local and on anti-depressants to squelch her sex drive.
I see you rethinking this after a good night's sleep.
Mm, I see you walking back to D.
C.
Now that we're buying Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant, we can do whatever the heck we want.
Also, we're switching back to one-ply in the bathrooms.
Mm, I don't know We'll keep a roll of two-ply in the register for me and you.
No, not the toilet paper.
I don't know about buying back Kenny's share of the restaurant.
What do you mean? I thought we talked about this.
I thought you went down to the notary and got the papers signed.
I was going to, and then I hit that long light on 5th and I started debating, do we want to spend that kind of money right now? Maybe we should find another partner to buy Kenny's half.
Share the risk.
Share the profits, you mean.
Kenny's giving us his half for pennies on the dollar.
It's a great deal.
Hmm.
You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll add that to the pro column.
Pro I own the whole restaurant.
Con I own the whole restaurant.
You just wrote the same thing down twice.
Tricky, isn't it, how the same thing can be good or bad? This hasn't been very helpful.
Louis, you always do this.
You question and over-analyze and then you miss out on a great opportunity because you can't make up your mind.
Well, I like to measure twice, cut once.
Nothing's wrong with that.
No.
Dumb.
Me, I'm a woman of action.
You have to act first and then apologize later.
Like I have learned to do.
You never apologize.
I would if I had ever been wrong.
Listen, Louis, I know for a fact that we should buy back the restaurant.
How can you be so sure? Madame Xing foretold it.
Your psychic? She's never steered me wrong.
Hey, a lobster tank! Fun! Lobsters all piled on top of each other.
It's sad, actually.
I'm gonna go lie down.
[TANK BUBBLING.]
S04E18 Measure Twice, Cut Once Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat We've got to agree on something.
What about "Tommy Boy"? Please.
"Multiplicity.
" [ALL GROAN.]
Eddie, whatever you do, don't turn it to "Regis and Kathie Lee" Don't worry.
Which I gave up for 40 days of Lent to replicate the sacrifice of Jesus' 40-day trip into the desert.
Here we go.
Bible Boy is back.
My least favorite time of the year.
I forgive you, brothers.
Love the sinners, hate the sin.
Louis, I just talked to Madame Xing and she told me another reason why we should buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant I faced the exact same dilemma in a past life.
Could we not bring reincarnation into this, please? Xing says I was a cartographer in the Northwest Passage after the Louisiana Purchase.
I could have bought some pelts from a local tribe, but I hesitated and I froze to death.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Yeah, but what does any of this have to do with the restaurant? Oh, I think it's pretty clear.
The restaurant is our pelts.
You need to stop hesitating and buy it back so we don't get iced out of a great deal.
[TEETH GRINDING.]
We are not making any big decisions in our current life based on something Xing said you did in a past life.
[SCOFFS.]
I can't wait till I'm reincarnated.
I know who I'm coming back as.
The RZA.
Yeah [CRUNCH.]
Damn, Dave, these are the best ants-on-a-log I ever had.
Thanks, Eddie RZA.
Come on, Brian.
What's up, man? You're acting like Antarctica over here.
Get your ass in the pool.
It's heated.
Chlorine makes my skin itch.
[SCOFFS.]
Hey, yo, Ho-Ho! Drain the pool and fill it up with meatballs.
The saucy ones.
Hell, yeah, Eddie RZA.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
That's not how reincarnation works.
I studied all the religions before enrolling into Jesus U.
[QUIETLY.]
Here comes the seminar.
Every time we die, our consciousness is reborn into another form.
Each life is an opportunity to improve ourselves.
If you do, your spirit transcends higher until you reach spiritual liberation.
And I have improved through all my lives.
That's how I became the perfect being you see before you.
[SNICKERS.]
That's bold.
I know.
In my next life, I plan on achieving my ultimate spiritual form Morning mist.
That's why I know we should buy back the restaurant.
I learned it three lives ago when I should have bought those beaver skins.
All right, listen, I agree with you.
We should buy back the restaurant.
Yes! It takes you a while, Louis, but you finally get there.
But not because of any vision Madame Xing had.
Because I called Silvia at Union Savings and had her run the numbers.
They're too good to pass up.
It doesn't make sense not to buy it.
So Silvia is your Madame Xing.
No, Silvia is a professional working in an accredited industry.
She uses math.
She has a CPA.
She graduated from FSU.
Okay, Louis.
Okay.
Okay, I need you to sign and initial these, roll your thumb through some ink, and we'll be done.
Very unhygienic.
That's why I brought my own ink.
We don't know if some pedophile co-signed for a van.
Lorenzo, what do you think I should do? - Me? - Him? Yes, what's your opinion on this? Should I buy the other half of the restaurant? Well, who owns it now? Louis, we decided this already.
Pee or get off the toilet.
I sit 'cause I don't like having my back to the door when I'm exposed.
I won't tell.
I'm just saying, this is a big decision.
Maybe we should sleep on it.
We just woke up from sleep! It's morning! I'm sorry, but I'm holding off.
- Ohh! - No thumbs today, Lorenzo.
What happened to all the lobsters? AMY: Matthew? Aren't you supposed to be at work? It's my day off! I thought that was Thursday? - I'm sick! - Watch it! As soon as Inspector Gadget gets out of here, I'm gonna drive you guys all to the Gulf.
[CHUCKLES.]
Except you.
You, I'm gonna keep.
Evan, cover your eyes and ears.
We're gonna watch "Baywatch.
" Sorry, you can't.
I'm taping "Regis and Kathie Lee.
" I plan to catch up on all the episodes I miss once Lent ends.
Doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice if you're gonna watch the episodes eventually.
The shows will be irrelevant by then.
That's the sacrifice.
So now we have to suffer so you can feel like you're superior to us? Not superior, just better.
Ugh! I cannot take 40 days of this.
Lent Evan is the worst.
We need to take him down a peg.
I don't know.
I think I'm done with all that stuff.
I'm maturing.
You farted into a Ziploc bag this morning and put it in the freezer to see if it would freeze.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, cool, let's mess with Evan.
Hey.
Louis, I understand you've had some trouble making a decision and I've been pushing you.
I know you're impulsive and I appreciate you coming to apologize Oh, no.
Hey.
No one is apologizing.
What? How do You aren't? No.
I found someone else to push you instead.
I flew in Madame Xing from D.
C.
! She was 10 minutes late picking me up at the airport.
But I had a vision she would be.
So, I had a quick cigar outside the terminal.
She'll give you a reading and tell you how many lives you've spent trapped by indecision so you can finally overcome your weakness.
[TEETH GRIND.]
You paid to fly your psychic in to give me a reading? Of course not.
I used our credit card points.
I was gonna use those to take the family to either Alaska or Hawaii.
You've been debating that trip for years.
If you had made a decision, then I wouldn't have the free miles to fly her out here.
Unbelievable! Louis, I'm just doing this to help you see that buying back the restaurant is a good idea.
Jessica, can I have some ice water? I have the cigar breath.
Of course, Madame Xing.
Don't open it.
One of Eddie's experiments.
This is ridiculous.
I'm not gonna put our future in the hands of your psychic.
She has a gift, Louis.
Her guidance about my book deal was dead on, she was right about Honey having a boy That's a 50-50 guess.
And she said that your restaurant would be successful when we first moved here.
Well, how do I know, like her, you're not making that up? [SIGHS.]
She also predicted that you would be hesitant.
That's why I bought her an open-ended ticket.
Yeah, she's not leaving until you let her give you a reading.
My first time to Florida.
Gonna do SeaWorld, Disney, swamp boat ride, maybe take a class at the community college.
Hmm.
The longer you resist, the more fun she'll see in her future.
What are you doing? We're throwing out our underwear so we won't be tempted.
Tempted? By what? After you left, we turned on "Regis and Kathie Lee.
" Usually, we'd never watch that crap.
[GASPS.]
But they did a really powerful segment on the true meaning of Lent and it convinced us to give it a try.
Regis and Kathie Lee are giving up underwear for 40 days.
So we're gonna try, too.
Why on Earth would Regis give up underwear?! Kathie Lee maybe.
So they could be more like Jesus.
Because he didn't wear underwear.
Excuse me! Jesus wore underwear.
Not according to them, he didn't.
They said it was too hot in the desert.
Plus, even if he did own a pair, you know he'd lend them to the less fortunate.
You guys are just messing with me.
Oh, yeah? How many times does it mention underwear in the Bible you're always reading? And you call yourself a student of religion.
If you don't believe us, watch the tape.
A-ha! You're trying to make me break Lent.
I should've known.
You never even watched the show.
Yes, we did.
Oh, yeah, then who was the guest? Reba McEntire.
Reba McEntire.
Ugh, that sounds right.
Come on, let's go find a super-cool homeless kid who needs underwear.
I'm trying to look back, but there's a spirit in the way.
You lost a family member? Yes, I've lost a relative.
Everyone has.
I haven't.
Louis, I told you she has a gift.
Stop fighting it.
Something else is coming into focus.
I see a past life.
- Hmm.
- One where you are a turtle.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Yes, that sounds right.
He makes decisions like a turtle Slow.
Okay, I don't see how anything you're seeing is supposed to help me.
Madame Xing can't help what she sees.
She's on a higher level.
Yes.
Now give me those nice hands.
[TEETH GRIND.]
[CRACK.]
Ow! I think I broke my tooth! In dreams, a broken tooth symbolizes a hidden frustration.
Not hidden, lady! I'm going to Marvin, see if he can fix this.
Decisive action.
That's progress.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Oh, yeah, you cracked your enamel.
You've been grinding your teeth.
I'm a little stressed.
Ah.
Same.
I'm meeting Honey for lunch.
We've been having a major battle about whether to circumcise the baby.
She doesn't want to? No, she says there's a lot of sensation in that part.
Nerve endings.
How does she know? Anyway, just lie back and enjoy the gas, Lou.
[GAS HISSING.]
I fought in the Navy.
I can't let it come out that I didn't circumcise my boy.
I go to reunions, it's gonna come up.
You know, there was a guy in our unit that, uh, well, he was, you know, natural.
[EAGLE CRIES.]
MADAME XING: I see a past life.
One where you are a turtle.
LOUIS: Pro we get to the other side of the road.
Con we die.
Maybe we should go for it.
It's been two hours, and not one car.
Although, it just increases the odds that one is about to come.
It's too dangerous.
Although Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? What What are you doing? Carl, don't just [CRUNCH.]
[GASPS.]
Aaaaaaaah! And what's it gonna be like when my son and I go to the sauna for the first time? [TOMMY LAUGHS.]
Fat guy in a little coat What is this movie? I can't follow any of this.
[MUFFLED.]
There might be some There might be something to this reincarnation stuff after all! Madame Xing said you'd come around.
As always, it takes you a while, but eventually you see that I am right.
No, actually, you were wrong.
I had a vision.
I was a turtle, and this other tur - You had a vision? - Yeah, I was a turtle I've never had a vision! You don't even believe.
I'm almost morning mist! I should be having a vision.
Not you.
How did you have a vision? EMERY: How's it going? You finding any underwear mentions in the Bible? Got another tape of "Regis.
" Day 2 of them not wearing underwear for Lent.
Regis still found a way to work in that he graduated from Notre Dame.
Why is it so important for a son to look like his father down there? When will anyone see you side by side? In the sauna.
Just snip the kid already.
If he's anything like his mother, he'll be a lazy cleaner.
Now gas me.
- What? - Jessica? I want a vision like the one Louis had.
So, ergh, ergh, ergh.
Uh, I just can't give gas to people for the fun of it.
I swore an ethical code of responsibility.
Well, then, have Honey crank the dial and you turn around.
Babe, you game? Sure, works for me.
[SIGHS.]
[GAS HISSING.]
I don't feel anything.
Turn it higher.
It's all the way up.
What is going on? I don't get it.
That amount of nitrous could knock out a rhino.
Are you giving me the cheap stuff? [SCOFFS.]
I thought we were friends.
Sub-par gas - Lunch? - I could eat.
Delayed reaction.
Sub-par gas, indeed.
JESSICA: It worked.
A vision.
I've achieved the ultimate level of being morning mist.
Ooh, does baby like the new humidifier? Marvin? Get out of my mist! Why are you talking like that? Who's my little pookie-wookie-wookie-wookie? - No! - Oh.
I've come back as Honey and Marvin's white baby?! Help.
I am Jessica Huang.
I'm supposed to be reincarnated as morning mist, not in this white baby cage! Oh! A party? Okay, listen up.
Before anyone gets too attached to me, I am not supposed to be here.
I was reborn in the wrong body.
Okay, time for your circumcision.
What?! I am a boy? No way.
I am out of here.
[BABY CRIES.]
Ahh, I can't do anything! But I'm a woman of action! Let's talk about this.
Don't just act, weigh the pros and cons.
No! So I was right! Your vision showed you that debating things is better than acting first.
No, it showed me the exact opposite.
How can you say that? You got circumcised! You wanted people to not rush in and mull.
You didn't let me finish.
You know what? That wasn't that bad.
I feel faster.
Streamlined.
Madame Xing, thank God! Release me from this vision! What a little cutie! Why are you holding my husband's nice hand? I still can't believe how quickly you guys got married.
What? [BABY GURGLES.]
I just threw up.
You let a piece of prime meat hit the market, it's gonna get snatched.
Xing, you viper! As soon as I can walk, I'm coming for you.
[STERNLY.]
Boys, use napkins.
ALL: Yes, Mommy Xing.
JESSICA: Well, I don't hate the discipline.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe your mom isn't here.
She's the one who convinced me to snip little Dan.
- Dan?! - I know.
I wish she and Madame Xing had never gone to the beach.
Such a freak accident.
They were debating whether to play volleyball or go kayaking when that rogue wave surprised Mom and swept her out to sea.
I married Madame Xing? I was right.
If I had acted quickly instead of debating, I would have lived instead of being eaten by the ocean.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
We're debating nitrous-gas dreams.
What about reality? Okay, let's talk reality.
You and I made a decision to buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant and now you get all wishy-washy? Well, maybe without Kenny Rogers and Michael Bolton's names on the sign, people would stop coming in.
Or maybe they wouldn't.
I don't know.
I just wanted more time to think it through.
Why do you have to talk everything to death? At least I don't act without thinking.
You bought a lobster tank on a whim! - That thing is beautiful! - It's empty! I don't know where Matthew or the lobsters went! How can we both be right? We're saying opposite things.
That's why I couldn't follow it.
That makes a lot of sense.
We do work well together.
You can't argue with success.
Insightful.
Maybe in your next life, you will come back as morning mist.
So what do you want to do about the restaurant? [SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Well, I looked at my list and after carefully weighing the pros and cons, I think we should buy back Kenny Rogers' half of the restaurant.
Are you sure that's what you want? I'm sure.
I'm glad.
Because I already signed the papers with Lorenzo.
- What? - I acted before thinking, but that's what you love about me! When did you do this? Early on.
Very early.
I stopped Lorenzo in the parking lot as he was leaving Cattleman's.
Signed the papers on the hood of his car.
I Yang-ed it.
Then why fly in Madame Xing? Because you were so against it, I thought she could convince you.
I didn't know that Morning Mist over here was sitting on the Yin-Yang key.
Why did you tell me now? Because now you agree with me.
Dear Jesus, is it true they said on "Regis and Kathie Lee" that you didn't wear underwear? If I watch, I break Lent, but I need to know.
Please, just give me a sign.
I feel bad.
My heart.
There was no segment about Jesus' underwear.
We made it all up.
You work in mysterious ways, you all-knowing shepherd.
We're sorry.
It's just that you get so unbearable during Lent.
That's why we tried to get you to break.
But you got to forgive us, right? Your religion says so.
God forgives unconditionally.
But I don't.
I tell Mommy unless you make it up to me.
Good morning! I am Regis Philbin.
And I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.
I don't want to be Kathie Lee.
Can't we both be Regis? Don't be ridiculous.
America can't handle two Regises.
Now, do it like I wrote it.
We got a great show for you this morning.
Reba McEntire's here.
Caught her sound check.
You're in for a treat, America, so don't go anywhere.
Oh, what are we watching? Eddie and Emery are acting out a fake episode of "Regis and Kathie Lee" I wrote.
Great.
Where's Dad? Oh, he's Yin-ing out.
He's making a pro and con list about whether he's going to speak to me again.
It'll take him a while, but he'll come around eventually.
Did you see this? Some disturbing news out of Buffalo.
A truck jack-knifed off the interstate, killing 50 cattle and a hitchhiker.
I hitchhiked once.
[GASPS.]
Kathie Lee! This is good.
I know.
EMERY: [DEFENSIVELY.]
Reg, it was the '60s! Your face is red as a lobster.
I should throw you in the tank at the restaurant.
God knows there's room.
I was at Disney all day! I met Goofy.
Did you try and kill Mrs.
Goofy so you could have him all for yourself? What are you talking about? I had a vision.
You let me die and then you stole my husband.
You're fired, Xing.
But I'm your psychic.
You need me! I'll find a new psychic.
One who's local and on anti-depressants to squelch her sex drive.
I see you rethinking this after a good night's sleep.
Mm, I see you walking back to D.
C.