Friends s04e16 Episode Script

Cereal killer.
Cereal killer? Hey, come on, I say more dumb things before 9 a.
m than most people say all day.
What? I can't find anything that I wanna eat.
Everything makes me nauseous.
I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake.
Oh, cake! No.
Honey, I'm sorry.
What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom.
Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
It's me.
It's Phoebe.
Listen, there's something in here I want to eat.
What smells so good? -ls it the shampoo? It's guava.
-No.
Wait.
Is it my bologna sandwich? Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I can't believe it.
The baby wants bologna.
The baby wants meat.
I can't eat meat.
Wait! Maybe it's the pickle! The One With the Fake Party What are you writing? Joshua's coming in tomorrow, and since I don't have the guts to ask him out I'm gonna sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.
"Joshua, give me a call sometime.
Guys like you never go out of style.
" What did you throw away? -Hi, guys.
-What have you guys been up to? We went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs at the museum.
Without me? My uncle dragged us there, but it turned out to be really interesting.
They were so ornate and beautiful.
Look at that.
I don't know how museums work in England, but here, you're not supposed to take stuff.
I got it from the gift shop.
They have really lax security there.
It's a joke.
Anyone for more tea? No, just me then.
Hey, Ringo.
Every time Emily's around, you talk like her.
Would you please cut it out? I think you like it.
I think you can't resist me when I do it.
You want to eat me up like a cream "pumpy.
" -What? -All right, look, I don't know all the words.
Right.
I've got to be off.
I'll see you.
Bye-bye, then.
Bye-bye, then.
You guys seem to be having a good time.
She is amazing, and she's so much fun.
And you know what? When I'm with her, I'm fun! I do things like run off to Vermont and you guys saw the doorknob.
I even signed up for helicopter classes.
She's leaving in two days.
I don't have to do it.
Two days? You must be bummed.
She's got to go back to London, but I've been prepared for this from the start.
We both knew we had two weeks together, and then that's it.
Hey, that's what all my relationships are like.
Yes, but in Ross' case, they both know in two weeks that's it.
-Pheebs! -Hello.
Hello.
No, I know.
Yeah.
So the baby is totally craving meat.
I tried tricking it, and I made it a soy burger, so that maybe it'd think it was getting meat.
And I got nauseous.
Maybe that's because soy burgers suck.
But I'm no obstetrician.
Being pregnant is hard on your tummy.
At least you got that cool, pregnant-lady glow.
That's sweat.
You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too.
Okay.
-Here's that trench coat that you wanted.
-Great.
It's comfortable.
You could really flash somebody in this.
No.
They don't want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Why not? Well, because we get a lot of They ruin it for everybody.
I know.
I wore that sweater on a date last night.
It was the first date since the divorce.
Congratulations.
So do you love her? She's nice, but it made me realize I'm just not ready to be dating.
That's interesting.
-What was that? -Just an anti-theft device.
Then what's this? You need that too, because a thief could just tear this up.
We have to have a party in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans.
What's going on? We have to have a bon-voyage party for Emily.
But it's actually for Joshua.
That sucks.
Nobody's ever thrown me a bon-voyage-Emily party.
He said he's not ready to date.
So I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work.
And now I have created the perfect opportunity to seduce him.
As much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him Emily and I won't be here.
She's gonna come by to say goodbye and then I've got a special evening planned.
Sorry.
No party.
-Hello? -Surprise! Surprise! No one's thrown me a surprise party before.
Well, it was all Ross' idea.
You're so sweet.
And I'm so surprised.
You didn't know? Why are you over here if Joshua's over there? I'm trying to play hard-to-get.
Quick! He's looking.
Say something funny.
Like what? What's so funny? I said, "Like what?" Now that's a thinker.
This playing-hard-to-get thing is not working.
Hand me those cherries.
-Care for a cherry? -No, thanks.
I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.
You okay? You all right? We should probably get going soon.
But the party's just getting started.
We have to be at The Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes.
Then The Plaza for dinner.
So why did you plan a party at the same time? Actually, American surprise parties are very short.
It's usually, "Surprise!" Then, "My God, I'm so surprised.
Bye!" Ross, I'm having such a great time.
Your sister told me that you used to dress up like old ladies and host make-believe tea parties.
Monica said that, did she? Did she tell you that when she was little she was partially responsible for new legislation regulating the strength of swing sets? Then what are you going to put on top of that? -A little salami.
-Oh, yeah.
What goes on top of the salami? Pastrami.
You're a genius.
Give me a hand with the zipper.
Up! -You changed? -I decided I needed my lucky dress.
-Lucky means more cleavage? -lt does for me.
Look at him! He's so cute.
I just want to grab him and kiss him.
How could I kiss him without him knowing I like him? I know how you can get him.
Take off your bra.
What? -This scene in Footloose -Flashdance.
-Yeah.
With that plumber girl? -A welder.
Were you, like, in the movie? She takes off her bra under the shirt and pulls it out the sleeve.
Very sexy.
And classy.
-Or you could use mistletoe.
-It's not Christmas.
-Spin-the-bottle.
-He's not 11.
Thank you so much for this.
It was so thoughtful of you.
You're leaving? -We have something we have to get to.
-I'm gonna take off too.
You can't leave yet.
You have to stay.
We've got the whole big thing planned.
What big thing? Spin-the-bottle works like this: I spin the bottle.
Lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther.
All right.
Who wants to go first? I'll go.
Welcome to America.
Oh, my God! Two in a row! You gotta use your tongues now.
All right.
What are the odds? That's enough! Let's let someone else play.
If you didn't want to play, then why'd you come to the party? All right, I'll go.
Somebody loose.
Somebody loose.
Story of my life.
Story of my father's life.
Okay, my turn.
Look at that! Oh, my God.
The baby just kicked! It's okay.
It's okay.
If it kicked once, it'll kick again! Everybody just remember where they were sitting.
It was a bug.
It doesn't matter how much I'm craving it.
You know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's cold-blooded murder.
Okay.
There's a Phoebe on my sandwich! What are you doing? I can't help it! I need the meat! The baby needs the meat.
You know when you're dating someone and you don't want to cheat unless it's with someone really hot? Totally.
This is the same kind of deal.
If you're gonna do something wrong do it right.
-I'll be back in a minute.
-Okay.
What are you doing to me? I'm trying to get Emily out of here, and you keep talking to her being all interesting and making her laugh.
I don't want you to be funny anymore.
Rachel wants me to be funny, you don't want me to be funny.
From now on, I'm gonna be funny sometimes, and not funny others.
You feel better now? Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day.
I am going to eat, like, you know, millions of cows.
Mommy cows, daddy cows, baby cows No.
No, I will never eat baby cows.
No veal! Oh, but veal.
What if I even things out for you, meat-wise? -What? -I eat a lot of meat, right? But suppose, until the baby's born, I laid off it.
No extra animals would die.
You'd be eating my animals.
I can't believe you'd do that for me.
Absolutely.
I could be a vegetarian.
There's no meat in beer, right? We can still make dinner if we skip the appetizers and ask for our check right away.
We can't go now.
Rachel is going to put on a skit.
Oh, my God! Have you lost your mind? I am finally thinking clearly.
My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me.
But for four years, this baby never missed.
Wait, I can't let Actually, I want to see what happens.
Nice costume.
Well, I wanted to give Emily a big American goodbye cheer.
Ready.
Okay.
Give me an "E"! Give me an "M"! Give me an "I"! Give me an "L"! Give me a "Y"! What do you get? Emily! Emily! That's me as a cheerleader! I loosened a tooth.
It's no big deal.
I have a dentist.
I'll put some ice on it.
Excuse me.
-What do I do now? -I think you're done.
Time to take off the bra.
That was really great.
But I gotta take off.
Take the bra off.
Let's go get your coat.
Rachel's my girlfriend.
So this was really fun.
Yeah, it was real fun.
You know, this bra is really bothering me.
This used to be my bedroom.
A lot of memories in here.
Lot of memories.
If these walls could talk, they'd say: "Want to hear some memories?" Need a hand? I got this all under control.
You really don't seem like you do.
God! Forget it! This is not how this was supposed to happen.
What was supposed to happen? Can you not look at me when I say this? I thought that if I could get you here I could seduce you.
-Excuse me? -Seduce you.
I don't wear suits to work.
And I bought six of them from you.
I'm sorry.
I thought you needed them.
My point is, I kept coming back because I wanted to see you.
-Why? -Because I like you.
You like me? I mean, you're beautiful and smart and sophisticated.
A lot of this isn't based on tonight.
But you like me? I can't believe this.
All this time, I liked you and you liked me! -But -No "but.
" "But" is never good.
Let's leave it at "l like you and you like me.
" -Okay.
However -No, that's a fancy "but.
" My marriage, like, just ended.
And I'm really not ready to get into anything yet.
But.
I'm sorry.
I just need a little time.
Okay.
There you are.
I was looking for you.
Joshua's gone, so you and Emily are free to go.
It's okay.
She's still in there enjoying her fake party.
It's too late to do the stuff I had planned.
I'm sorry.
I ruined your evening.
Yeah.
If it makes you feel any better, I made a fool of myself.
Helps a little.
Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? Have a seat.
-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay.
It was just a two-week thing anyway.
I just didn't want it to end this way.
Or maybe you didn't want it to end.
What do you mean? You seem to really like her.
I really do.
But what am I going to do? We agreed it'd be a two-week thing.
No commitment.
That girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends asking to hear stories about you Iooking through Monica's photo albums.
You don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks.
You think? You've got 14 hours until she has to be at the airport.
And you're sitting here in a hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
You're right.
Thanks.
What photo album was it? I don't know.
It was you and a bunch of albino kids.
Oh, my God! Those weren't albino kids.
That was computer camp! -You're a pathetic loser, right? -Oh, yeah.
Sit! Hi.
Oh, my God.
Joshua.
Look all those things I said about not being ready -They're not true? -They're all true.
But.
I love that "but.
" Do you want to go inside and get some coffee? Okay.
Every time.
-What do you got there? -Pastrami.
-You know what goes good with that? -Corned beef.
I was going to say bologna.
But that's better.
-How about that smoked turkey? -Okay.
Oh, mama! -When is the baby due? -Six months.
If a cow died of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? Not if I get there first.