Friends s08e09 Episode Script

Did you know that during pregnancy your fingers swell up to twice their size and never go back? Oh, my God! Let me see that.
You fall for it every time.
Hey! I brought you my old maternity clothes.
Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet.
Oh, those are so cute! Look.
See how they expand as the baby grows? And after the baby's born they're great for shoplifting melons.
Good, you're all here.
Thanksgiving, 4:00.
Guess who I invited? Remember Will Culvert from high school? - No.
- He was in Ross' class.
Marching band, was kind of overweight.
Really overweight.
I was his thin friend.
I don't remember.
Are you talking about your imaginary boyfriend? No, that was Jared.
Wow.
Haven't thought about him in a long time.
Will's here on business so I invited him here.
- That's nice.
- Oh, he's lost a bunch of weight.
He looks good.
Okay, I mean really gorgeous.
- I still love Chandler.
- Wouldn't hurt you to say it.
Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey.
- What? - Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
- Phoebe! - Turkeys are intelligent animals.
No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! It's not just Phoebe.
Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel has her poultry aversion.
I had to leave when you had that chicken.
I thought that was because I put it on my hand and made it walk.
It's not worth it to make a whole turkey.
It's a lot of work.
But you gotta have turkey! Thanksgiving with no turkey is like Fourth of July with no pie.
Or Friday with no two pizzas.
Fine.
But there's gonna be a ton left over.
No, I will finish that turkey.
You can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting? That's right.
Because I'm a Tribbiani! This is what we do.
We may not be great thinkers or world leaders we don't read a lot or run fast, but damn it, we can eat! The One With the Rumor mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Four wide receivers.
On third and 18.
Isn't it weird how next year there will be a baby at the table? Rachel's.
But good to know where you're at.
- Hey! - Hey! - Happy Thanksgiving.
- You too! - Can I help? - Yes.
Chandler usually helps but he's into the game.
Could you fold these napkins? I'm gonna go check on the yams.
No, sweetie.
No, not like that.
We're not at a barn dance.
Fold them like swans.
I showed you at Christmas.
Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.
- So how's the game? - I have no idea.
- What? - I'm pretending to watch so I don't have to help out.
I don't believe you! That is brilliant! - And Monica has no idea? - No.
I just yell stuff at the TV.
'Ey! What? 'Ey! - Your team winning? - Anderson just scored again.
There is no Anderson.
I wanna get in on this.
Hey, Mon? I can't help you.
I didn't realize this game was on.
- You like football? - Normally, I don't.
But, you know, Green Bay is playing.
- You like Green Bay? - It's only my favorite bay.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Will, I'm so glad that you came.
You must've lost Subway commercials.
- A pie! - It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy.
- It's no good.
Throw it out.
- Meet some people.
This is my husband, Chandler.
This is Will.
Oh, hey.
I'd shake your hand but I'm really into the game.
Plus, it'd be better for my ego if we didn't stand together.
- This is Phoebe.
- Hi.
Hey.
Wow! Well done.
- Wanna give me a hand? - I can't get over how great you look.
- You too.
You're so fit.
- I'm watching but I'm not deaf.
- I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
- Great, I love Ross.
Good.
And Rachel Greene too.
- Is there a problem? - No.
It's okay.
It's just God, I hated her.
- What? - I hated her.
She was horrible to me in high school.
But hey, that was a long time ago.
Might be fun to see her again.
Got any cakes or cookies or something? No, Will! No! It's been a while since we screamed.
- Oh, okay.
No! - Come on! Damn you, ref! You burn in hell! What are you doing? You've got an entire turkey to eat.
Let me explain to you how the human body works.
I have to warm up my stomach first.
- Eating chips is like stretching.
- Okay.
- Tribbianis never get full.
- I'm here to tell you something.
You can eat and eat, but nothing will ever fill that void.
- Who the hell is this guy? - This is Will, from high school.
- Will! - Ross! Hey, you came! Man, you look incredible! Hot stuff! - Hot stuff? - It's good to see you, man.
Yeah.
You too.
So, what are you up to? - I'm a commodities broker.
- That sounds interesting.
- Yeah, it's not.
- Oh.
- But I'm rich and thin.
- Oh.
I haven't seen you since Lance Davis' graduation party.
That was such a fun night.
Would've been good if we had gotten in, but still fun.
We were lame.
Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were? - Yeah.
- So, what do you do now? So how long are you in town? - Hi.
- Hey, sweetie.
Oh, good.
Rachel Greene.
Oh, that's right.
Are you gonna be okay? Oh, I'll be fine.
It's just God, I hate her, Ross! I hate her! High school was a long time ago.
Look at her standing there with those yams.
My two greatest enemies: Rachel Greene and complex carbohydrates.
Oh, my God.
Who is that? - That's Will, from high school.
- Oh! I do not remember him.
Wow, really got that sexy smoldering thing going on.
Oh, my God.
Look at the way he's just staring at me.
He's trying to mouth something to me.
I hate you! - Okay, dinner's ready! - Okay! - Solid effort.
Solid effort.
- Oh, so who won? - Green Bay.
- Detroit.
- What? - The Lions technically won.
But it was a moral victory for the Green Bay Mermen.
Hi! Will, right? Right, hi.
I'm Rachel Greene.
- Oh, I remember you.
- Really? Aren't you sweet? I gotta tell you, I'm having the hardest time placing you.
Hang on! I think I remember you.
Did we fool around at Lance Davis' graduation party? - You are unbelievable.
- Thank you.
Rachel? Why don't you sit here? And Will, you sit way over there.
That's it? I can eat that, no problem.
- At least give me a challenge.
- This is Chandler's chicken.
This is the turkey.
Oh.
How big is that? - About 19 pounds.
- It's like me when I was born.
- Who would like some yams? Will? - You'd like that, wouldn't you? What? Oh, can we please keep the chicken and the turkey on the other side? - The smell is just - Typical.
- What? - I said it was typical.
Typical of you.
Queen Rachel does whatever she wants in Rachel-land.
Seriously, who is this guy? Sorry, do you have a problem with me? - I don't know.
Do I? Do I? - I think you do.
You were mean to him in high school.
- You made my life miserable.
- I had no idea.
I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
Screw it.
Bring on the yams.
But you worked so hard.
- Yams! - Okay.
I'm real sorry for whatever I did to you in high school.
It wasn't just me.
We had a club.
- You had a club? - The "I Hate Rachel Greene Club"! So you all just joined together to hate me? - Who else was in this club? - Me and Ross.
No need to point.
She knows who Ross is.
- You were in an "I Hate Rachel" club? - Yes, he was.
No, no.
- So who else was in this club? - That exchange student from Thailand.
But I don't think he knew what it was.
We went out for two years and you never told me? You went out with her? We had a pact.
- It's not like it was binding forever.
- It had the word "eternity" in it.
Monica? Did you know about this? I didn't.
Is that why you used to lock the bedroom door? - Yeah.
- A little relieved, I gotta say.
Look, Rach, I'm sorry, okay? I was a stupid kid, okay? - The only reason I joined - Cofounded.
Cofounded the club, was that I was in love with you.
If you think about it, the "I Hate Rachel Club" was really the "I Love Rachel Club.
" But it was really the "I Hate Rachel Club.
" So you'd get together and say mean things about me? - We did a little more than that.
- No, no, no.
What else did you do? - We started a rumor.
- What rumor? Come on, Will.
Take off your shirt and tell us.
- Ross? - It was no big deal.
We said that The rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
- What? - That's right.
We said your parents decided to raise you as a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
- Oh, my God! - You started that? - You heard that? - Everyone at our school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader? Oh, no! It makes sense.
This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me.
Why Billy would just stay in this region.
Billy's gay now, so that one's not really our fault.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I thought it might be true.
I was afraid that you were gonna cry and then show it to me.
Stop staring! There's nothing there! It's not true! I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
You are my Everest.
- You don't have to finish.
- I do.
Otherwise, what's next? Today I can't finish a turkey, but tomorrow I eat half a Power Bar wrap it up and put it in the fridge? No! I gotta change my pants.
What was I thinking? Jeans have no give.
Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote in my yearbook senior year.
"Dear Rach, you're such a great person.
" Not girl, "person.
" I think you're reading a little too much into it.
"You're a great person.
Sorry about your weenie.
" You want me to call everyone and tell them it wasn't true? - Yes.
- Also, tell them I'm skinny now.
Oh! Me too! I won't call anybody.
It was a million years ago.
I don't care.
You told people that I was half and half! I never did anything to hurt you in high school.
That's not totally true.
- What? - What? You did start that rumor about Ross making out with Mrs.
Altmann, our 50-year-old librarian.
How did you know that? - It's true? - No.
I saw you going at it behind the card catalog.
Mrs.
Altmann? She also made out with Ta-Taka-Ki-Kek before he went back to Thailand.
In high school you made out with a 50-year-old woman? - Hey, she didn't look 50! - Did she look 16? There's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
- Wow.
- She didn't photograph well! She wasn't familiar with the process, having sat for oil paintings.
How did this happen? Did she lure you to an early-bird dinner? I was working late in the library.
It was just the two of us.
She needed some help with her word jumble.
And one thing led to another.
If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender.
May she rest in peace.
- Didn't she walk with a cane? - Only when it was damp! I can't believe you told people about this.
Everybody knew? - You know what? I'm back in the club! - Yeah! - I wanna join! - Phoebe? I never got to be in a club.
I didn't go to high school.
But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French.
Fine, you can have your stupid, little club.
But what you did to me is way worse than what I did to you.
- You gave me a teeny weenie.
- Yeah! You're silly.
Even with that rumor you were one of the most popular girls.
Everyone wanted to be like you.
One girl stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll.
Wow.
If it weren't for her rumor, no one would've known who you were.
- She put you on the map.
- As a romancer of the elderly.
Mrs.
Altmann used to be pretty.
The eyes did still sparkle.
This stuff is so way in the past.
You've been through so much.
You got so much more important stuff going on.
Can't you just let this go? - She's right.
- We are having a baby together.
Hold on.
- You got her pregnant? - Yeah.
- Are you getting married? - No.
So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her.
Dude.
- Anybody? - Okay.
It's exactly how I imagined it would be.
All right, where's that turkey? - Those are my maternity pants! - No, these are my Thanksgiving pants! Well, that's it.
I'm done.
Here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
- Anything we can do? - Just nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants, by the way.
What you got there? What is that, pie? - You want some? - Just cut me a little sliver.
Little bigger.
Little bigger.
What are you afraid of? Cut me a real piece!