Frisky Dingo (2006) s02e09 Episode Script
A take on 'Hooper'
1 STAN: Previously on "Frisky Dingo" They're making a documentary about my run for the Presidency.
- Say "hello!" - mem-ow! And we don't have lots of time for exposition, so if you want to know what happened between then and now try iTunes.
HOOPER: Greetings, America.
I am Sinn.
[all gasp.]
What? [stammering .]
And I, with my lover, the dread lobster - Hi! - my sisters in chaos, Valerie and the supervillainess Antagone [ growls .]
[laughs evilly.]
What -- hey.
who is soon to give birth to what I can only assume will be a giant, hideous ant baby, unwittingly sired by crippled billionaire tycoon Xander Crews God damn it.
now control the Annihilatrix and your new President in office, thanks only to a corrupt Supreme Court And more specifically, Stephen Breyer.
Boosh! And/or ka-kow.
is powerless to stop me.
For backed by the might of the Annihilatrix, the Sisterhood of Chaos now rules the world.
And now back to the Haggar Pants 500.
Wha-- how can she afford a media buy? [mumbling.]
Still, though.
Right.
I thought that went well - What? - given all the exposition I .
.
I actually have some notes.
Yeah.
The Deceptacles don't rate a mention? Deceptacles! TOGETHER: I' More than you bargained for And what's up with Sisterhood of Chaos? Yeah, what's up with that? What's up with the bug lady stepping all over my line? Yeah.
What's up with "giant, hideous ant baby"? Well, you know it's gonna be hideous.
Like you're one to talk! How dare you raise your voice to him? How dare her? - She.
- She? - Who? - What? All this time, we thought you were this super-cool dude, Hooper, who just happened to have great tits when really you're some other dude who just happens to have great tits.
Yeah, what's up with that? Yeah, what is up with that? I'm a woman! - [all gasp.]
- You idiots.
- Wait.
- What? - Yeah.
Now some stuffs kind of making more sense.
Come on! I got a pope's nose out here! HOOPER: Just a minute! Hey, what, are you jerking your knob? - Come on.
- [ screams .]
- Oh, sorry.
- What is wrong with you? [glass shatters .]
What's he -- jerking the knob? Shh! Guys! Shh.
Guys? Here's the thing.
Hooper's got a vagina.
Gad! Can you imagine how tough that must have been for him -- you know, growing UP? I don't think any of us can.
Yeah, so from now on, I don't want to hear anybody calling anybody a dick or -- and definitely not "pussy.
" Oh, god, no.
"Pussy" is -- hey, buddy! What is going on here? Uh Pictionary.
[ laughter.]
Is it a cow? Is it Hooper's vagina? Winner'.
How stupid could you possibly be?! Oh ho! Listen.
Sounds like you need to climb down off that rag.
Aah! God.
[thud, car alarm wails.]
You just, uh [ car alarm deactivates .]
need to give us some time with this.
And time is a luxury we don't have.
So I'll convene the joint chiefs and -- Naw.
[bleep.]
that.
We're taking this one.
"We're"? As in you, the President, and me, the Vice President? Yeah.
Why? 'Cause I said.
Now go get your [bleep.]
on.
XANDER: Yeah, I could if you'd get out of the way.
All right.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's there.
It's close.
I never had it.
Yeah.
So listen.
I can't really give you a medical okay to Stand those pants up.
go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
Well, not with that attitude.
Yeah, so remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential debate? Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae.
So, you ever see "Hooper"? Yeah -- that robot with the big tits? No, but that sounds awesome.
It is.
I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stunt man.
That sounds awesome.
It is.
Anyway, one more impact to the neck and you'll be paralyzed.
[ Gasp .]
My third-greatest fear! Yeah, same basic plot as in the movie.
God, that sounds awesome! It is.
But who's gonna stop Hooper? Well, it's already out on DVD.
No -- the robot with the big tits! Really sounds awesome.
It is.
.
Anyway .
Aah! I actually have some thoughts on that.
DOCTOR: Oh, my god! Now my neck's broken! [sighs.]
[ intercom beeps .]
ASHLEY: Oh, and there's a Wendell X to see you.
Yeah, so where is Wendell? We could really use another gunhand.
You've got the Crab Man, the Bug Lady, and Val, not to mention that perfidious whore -- [mumbling.]
Ah-ah! Don't you -- down.
Down.
Well, maybe you can whinge about how much you love Sinn and hate me while you're missing the Hannah Montana concert.
What? Eighth-row tickets at will-call, claimable only with my picture l.
D.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[mumbling.]
Well, I assumed we'd go together.
Gay.
No, that's cool.
Guess I'll have to celebrate our anniversary alone -- or with Steve.
So listen.
About that rocket launcher [cellphone beeps .]
[mumbling.]
Oh, right.
I'd embarrass you.
Oh, and I want to meet this hobbit of yours -- Bobo Tea Baggins.
[gasps.]
Oh my god! I just got that! What? Oh! I-I think I'm gonna throw up.
I think I'm gonna throw up! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here! Yeah, and .
.
Stop.
Stop it! Stop it! Oh.
I'll get you a new lamp.
Yeah, that was actually a sconce.
Still, though.
Yeah, it's just I kind of spent a lot of time, you know, developing the Awesome "X" brand.
Totally, yeah, and it's understandable, you know -- you're protective of it.
And I'd hate for you to go up there, and I get it.
get your fat ass handed to you.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Just, uh, went ahead and put it out there.
Well Muffin-top X.
Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.
Okay, you know what? - Yeah, do it.
- Really? Yeah, 'cause either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.
'Cause, uh, you know, big picture -- child support.
You gonna -- XANDER: I'm not saying perform an abortion.
Oh, my god.
But let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.
I could maybe stab her in the belly with a machete.
Well your words.
We shouldn't be on the same plane.
What if it goes down? "A" -- I've got a built-in parachute How does everybody have these? a Presidential succession act the entire cabinet's up here.
And you're forgetting the Speaker of the House [gasps.]
the President pro tern of the Senate [gags.]
and acting Secretary of Homeland Security, Mr.
Ford.
What's the matter -- too much ant poison? [ laughs .]
Although he is kind of crazy.
No kidding.
So, scientists, what do we know about this giant, hideous ant baby? Well, this isn't really our field, but imagine a tiny, tiny ant Okay.
and then a human mother 400,000 times his size TAQU'lL: Gotcha.
Mit a nice busen.
which -- and this is only speculation -- would give you a monster ant baby 400,000 times the size of a regular human baby.
Probably nourishing himself with trains.
- What? - Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I'm glad this ain't a train.
Well, this isn't really my field, but I think we're looking at a perfectly healthy, uh ant baby.
A chitinous spawn grows within me! And I don't know if you've been stretching, but he's gonna be a big one.
[laughs evilly.]
Yeah, and that's not getting old.
Really having second thoughts about this whole Sisterhood of Chaos.
Wait.
What? No, no.
Not you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm, like, totally charming.
Totally charming.
[laughs evilly.]
[sighs.]
Her, though - She's worse than Dane Cook.
- Yeah.
You think your Deceptoids or whatever can, uh, kill her? Mmthat might be a problem.
Oh, look at this! - Love it! - Oh, my god.
You know, for when she starts getting her figure back? You always get the best gifts.
Guys, guys, guys- - [ all gasp .]
- Lookit.
Oh, god! That's great! "Here comes trouble.
" Well, we'd better think of something.
TAQU'lL: 'Cause here comes trouble! STAN: Oh! [all screaming.]
My god, a missile! We've been hit! And you can thank Stephen Breyer for that! HOBBIT: Um, here's the thing.
- Look here Hobbit - That's actually my gay lover's.
Get the [bleep.]
out of my gazebo.
- I knew it! - Dude! I knew it! Everybody knew.
But, Mr.
President, what about us? Um stay gold, ponyboy! - Aah'.
- Whoa-hoe! Actually, now I wish this was the train.
Oh, no kidding.
Well, there's something you don't see every day.
[ laughs .]
Am I right? Well, as long as it doesn't crash into the Annihila-- [gasps.]
Damn it! VAL: What's up, cursey? The Annihilatrix! Yeah? We left it completely unguarded.
[ laughs .]
Duh-hoy.
Ha! Completely unguarded.
Well, maybe things are finally looking up for your old man.
Hmm? What's that? Wh-- oh.
No.
No.
Pull up.
Son of a whore! [mumbling.]
Nope.
Did not have insurance.
sub/idx: METdeath srt corrections: agi24cz rls: Moonsong
- Say "hello!" - mem-ow! And we don't have lots of time for exposition, so if you want to know what happened between then and now try iTunes.
HOOPER: Greetings, America.
I am Sinn.
[all gasp.]
What? [stammering .]
And I, with my lover, the dread lobster - Hi! - my sisters in chaos, Valerie and the supervillainess Antagone [ growls .]
[laughs evilly.]
What -- hey.
who is soon to give birth to what I can only assume will be a giant, hideous ant baby, unwittingly sired by crippled billionaire tycoon Xander Crews God damn it.
now control the Annihilatrix and your new President in office, thanks only to a corrupt Supreme Court And more specifically, Stephen Breyer.
Boosh! And/or ka-kow.
is powerless to stop me.
For backed by the might of the Annihilatrix, the Sisterhood of Chaos now rules the world.
And now back to the Haggar Pants 500.
Wha-- how can she afford a media buy? [mumbling.]
Still, though.
Right.
I thought that went well - What? - given all the exposition I .
.
I actually have some notes.
Yeah.
The Deceptacles don't rate a mention? Deceptacles! TOGETHER: I' More than you bargained for And what's up with Sisterhood of Chaos? Yeah, what's up with that? What's up with the bug lady stepping all over my line? Yeah.
What's up with "giant, hideous ant baby"? Well, you know it's gonna be hideous.
Like you're one to talk! How dare you raise your voice to him? How dare her? - She.
- She? - Who? - What? All this time, we thought you were this super-cool dude, Hooper, who just happened to have great tits when really you're some other dude who just happens to have great tits.
Yeah, what's up with that? Yeah, what is up with that? I'm a woman! - [all gasp.]
- You idiots.
- Wait.
- What? - Yeah.
Now some stuffs kind of making more sense.
Come on! I got a pope's nose out here! HOOPER: Just a minute! Hey, what, are you jerking your knob? - Come on.
- [ screams .]
- Oh, sorry.
- What is wrong with you? [glass shatters .]
What's he -- jerking the knob? Shh! Guys! Shh.
Guys? Here's the thing.
Hooper's got a vagina.
Gad! Can you imagine how tough that must have been for him -- you know, growing UP? I don't think any of us can.
Yeah, so from now on, I don't want to hear anybody calling anybody a dick or -- and definitely not "pussy.
" Oh, god, no.
"Pussy" is -- hey, buddy! What is going on here? Uh Pictionary.
[ laughter.]
Is it a cow? Is it Hooper's vagina? Winner'.
How stupid could you possibly be?! Oh ho! Listen.
Sounds like you need to climb down off that rag.
Aah! God.
[thud, car alarm wails.]
You just, uh [ car alarm deactivates .]
need to give us some time with this.
And time is a luxury we don't have.
So I'll convene the joint chiefs and -- Naw.
[bleep.]
that.
We're taking this one.
"We're"? As in you, the President, and me, the Vice President? Yeah.
Why? 'Cause I said.
Now go get your [bleep.]
on.
XANDER: Yeah, I could if you'd get out of the way.
All right.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's there.
It's close.
I never had it.
Yeah.
So listen.
I can't really give you a medical okay to Stand those pants up.
go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.
Well, not with that attitude.
Yeah, so remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential debate? Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae.
So, you ever see "Hooper"? Yeah -- that robot with the big tits? No, but that sounds awesome.
It is.
I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stunt man.
That sounds awesome.
It is.
Anyway, one more impact to the neck and you'll be paralyzed.
[ Gasp .]
My third-greatest fear! Yeah, same basic plot as in the movie.
God, that sounds awesome! It is.
But who's gonna stop Hooper? Well, it's already out on DVD.
No -- the robot with the big tits! Really sounds awesome.
It is.
.
Anyway .
Aah! I actually have some thoughts on that.
DOCTOR: Oh, my god! Now my neck's broken! [sighs.]
[ intercom beeps .]
ASHLEY: Oh, and there's a Wendell X to see you.
Yeah, so where is Wendell? We could really use another gunhand.
You've got the Crab Man, the Bug Lady, and Val, not to mention that perfidious whore -- [mumbling.]
Ah-ah! Don't you -- down.
Down.
Well, maybe you can whinge about how much you love Sinn and hate me while you're missing the Hannah Montana concert.
What? Eighth-row tickets at will-call, claimable only with my picture l.
D.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[mumbling.]
Well, I assumed we'd go together.
Gay.
No, that's cool.
Guess I'll have to celebrate our anniversary alone -- or with Steve.
So listen.
About that rocket launcher [cellphone beeps .]
[mumbling.]
Oh, right.
I'd embarrass you.
Oh, and I want to meet this hobbit of yours -- Bobo Tea Baggins.
[gasps.]
Oh my god! I just got that! What? Oh! I-I think I'm gonna throw up.
I think I'm gonna throw up! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here! Yeah, and .
.
Stop.
Stop it! Stop it! Oh.
I'll get you a new lamp.
Yeah, that was actually a sconce.
Still, though.
Yeah, it's just I kind of spent a lot of time, you know, developing the Awesome "X" brand.
Totally, yeah, and it's understandable, you know -- you're protective of it.
And I'd hate for you to go up there, and I get it.
get your fat ass handed to you.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Just, uh, went ahead and put it out there.
Well Muffin-top X.
Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.
Okay, you know what? - Yeah, do it.
- Really? Yeah, 'cause either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.
'Cause, uh, you know, big picture -- child support.
You gonna -- XANDER: I'm not saying perform an abortion.
Oh, my god.
But let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.
I could maybe stab her in the belly with a machete.
Well your words.
We shouldn't be on the same plane.
What if it goes down? "A" -- I've got a built-in parachute How does everybody have these? a Presidential succession act the entire cabinet's up here.
And you're forgetting the Speaker of the House [gasps.]
the President pro tern of the Senate [gags.]
and acting Secretary of Homeland Security, Mr.
Ford.
What's the matter -- too much ant poison? [ laughs .]
Although he is kind of crazy.
No kidding.
So, scientists, what do we know about this giant, hideous ant baby? Well, this isn't really our field, but imagine a tiny, tiny ant Okay.
and then a human mother 400,000 times his size TAQU'lL: Gotcha.
Mit a nice busen.
which -- and this is only speculation -- would give you a monster ant baby 400,000 times the size of a regular human baby.
Probably nourishing himself with trains.
- What? - Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I'm glad this ain't a train.
Well, this isn't really my field, but I think we're looking at a perfectly healthy, uh ant baby.
A chitinous spawn grows within me! And I don't know if you've been stretching, but he's gonna be a big one.
[laughs evilly.]
Yeah, and that's not getting old.
Really having second thoughts about this whole Sisterhood of Chaos.
Wait.
What? No, no.
Not you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm, like, totally charming.
Totally charming.
[laughs evilly.]
[sighs.]
Her, though - She's worse than Dane Cook.
- Yeah.
You think your Deceptoids or whatever can, uh, kill her? Mmthat might be a problem.
Oh, look at this! - Love it! - Oh, my god.
You know, for when she starts getting her figure back? You always get the best gifts.
Guys, guys, guys- - [ all gasp .]
- Lookit.
Oh, god! That's great! "Here comes trouble.
" Well, we'd better think of something.
TAQU'lL: 'Cause here comes trouble! STAN: Oh! [all screaming.]
My god, a missile! We've been hit! And you can thank Stephen Breyer for that! HOBBIT: Um, here's the thing.
- Look here Hobbit - That's actually my gay lover's.
Get the [bleep.]
out of my gazebo.
- I knew it! - Dude! I knew it! Everybody knew.
But, Mr.
President, what about us? Um stay gold, ponyboy! - Aah'.
- Whoa-hoe! Actually, now I wish this was the train.
Oh, no kidding.
Well, there's something you don't see every day.
[ laughs .]
Am I right? Well, as long as it doesn't crash into the Annihila-- [gasps.]
Damn it! VAL: What's up, cursey? The Annihilatrix! Yeah? We left it completely unguarded.
[ laughs .]
Duh-hoy.
Ha! Completely unguarded.
Well, maybe things are finally looking up for your old man.
Hmm? What's that? Wh-- oh.
No.
No.
Pull up.
Son of a whore! [mumbling.]
Nope.
Did not have insurance.
sub/idx: METdeath srt corrections: agi24cz rls: Moonsong