Futurama Episode Scripts

N/A - The Inhuman Torch

Two Two, three ♪ Corrections by alth They said it couldn't be done, Kif.
But here we are, stealing an unlimited supply of birthday-grade helium from the unsuspecting moon.
Sun.
At night, it's called the moon.
All this heat has rendered me parch-ed.
Which of this doo-whackies dispenses horchata? Stop! That's the force field holding the mine open! Mine collapse! Mine collapse! So? Mine collapse, too.
trapped in the sun.
If rescue doesn't come soon they may never again not see the light of day.
Linda? The situation is grim, Morbo.
Officials concede that any attempt at rescue would be an agonizing suicide mission.
Good news, everyone! When the mine caved in the entrance was blocked by a fusion explosion.
Luckily, the miners found safe haven here in the doom chamber.
To rescue them, you'll simply have to fly to the sun and march in through an inferno of molten plasma.
But solar plasma is, like, 10,000 degrees hot.
Won't that sear our tender flesh sealing in the juices? Oh, nonsense.
You clearly weren't paying attention.
to what I'm about to say.
To the sub-basement! You see, you'll be protected by my fermion barrier heat-exclusion spray.
Watch as I demonstrate by coating some highly delicate matter, and dunking it into this molten lava.
Guess what, hell is real.
Oh, good, it works.
Toodle-oo! Prepare for action.
Aye-aye.
Attention helium miners.
Can you hear me? For god's sake, help us! We're in agonizing pain! Stop laughing.
Help is on the way! In the meantime,you should sing a song to keep your spirits up.
How about "camptown races"? Camptown ladies, sing this song ♪ Doo dah, doo dah Let's do this.
I'll stay here and be in charge of not dying.
Razzma flazzma plasma.
We must be close, we're hitting an occasional Helium pocket.
We don't have much time! Keep moving forward! Screw that! I'm getting out of here.
Just one more fire between me and a well-earned nap.
Whoa! What a dramatic scene, Linda.
The heroic robot with no concern for his own safety, has bravely charged back into the mine.
What else is on? P.
U.
! It is ripe in here.
Well, so long, jerks.
We're now in minute five of our round-the-clock coverage, as we await the return of the courageous robot.
Ooh.
What the? How'd that get in there? Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
You're a true hero.
I am? Huh, I always strongly suspected I was one of those.
One man is safe.
But who will the robot pull next from the fiery hole of mystery? An actress? A celebrity chef? Stay tuned for the next 14 rescues.
And that's the final miner! They all made it! Morbo is not weeping.
He has a A parasite in his eye.
Whoo! I'm the greatest! Ladies and gentlemen, we're here today to pay tribute to the heroic Planet Express crew! But we only have the one medal.
So please direct all your admiration to the main guy Bender! Now, you two step aside.
Hey, being a hero's all right.
Look at all this free stuff.
Oh, my god, you guys, fire! Fire! My baby's in that podium! Somebody call the fire department! There is no fire department.
I sold it to pay for Bender's medal.
Hold this, your highness.
You'll need to award it to me again in a minute.
These boys must have hero in their bones.
And you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins.
I hereby decree.
Planet Express to be our city's new fire department! Bite my shiny metal axe! And you, give me back my medal.
Friends, look at these new poles.
Get ready for one sexy firehouse.
Zoidberg, quit turning us on and go polish your nozzle.
Yo! Hero in the house.
I just got back from my daily medal strut.
What's that? Did they pick a new pope? Good news, everyone! Someone's home is on fire.
I'm exhausted.
All this firefighting is murder on my feet.
There has been quite a rash of fires lately.
First at the podium where Bender got his medal.
Then that house next door to Bender's favorite strip club.
Robot hell had a fire, too.
Right after Bender was there for a workshop.
And don't forget that vampire bank.
Where the robot keeps his hero medals in a safe deposit box.
Hmm I think I'm noticing a pattern.
My god, you're right! The locations form a perfect shape of some kind.
No! Bender was at every one of those places right before the fire started.
Sweet pyro of cairo! That's true! Could Bender be setting these fires just so he can be a hero? Oh, I don't know.
Possible, feasible.
I don't know.
Seems like maybe.
Who knows? Maybe I do.
Yeah, probably.
How dare you murmur about Bender like that! He would never burn something down to get attention.
For insurance money? Yes.
Revenge? You bet.
To give an autumn night that crisp chestnutty smell? Absolutely.
But not for fame, women or thrills.
Hey, guys, it's me, Bender.
The famous, sexy, thrilling hero.
So now that we're a firehouse, we should make some firehouse chili.
What do you want in that, beans or just blood? Oh, no! Surprisingly, a fire has broken out at the meat market where I am! We'll be there right away.
Yeah, don't trouble yourselves.
This is just a one-hero fire.
Mr.
Bender! Over here, over here! Small quote from you, mr.
Bender.
Scoop Chang, New New York magazine, Kosher recipes editor, iPad edition.
Ma'am, what happened in there? Well, I was shoplifting a lamb chop.
when suddenly fire erupted from the liver tray.
Next thing I knew, I was carried to safety.
by this strapping young whatchacallit.
Hero.
Hero.
Aw, stop.
Keep going.
We know what you've been doing, Bender.
You've been setting all those fires because you're addicted to glory.
What?! The very idea! Don't try to deny it! You're out of the squad! Out of the squad? I am the squad! You believe me, don't you, Fry? I don't know, Bender.
You got to admit, the pattern of fires is suspicious, being a perfect shape and all.
We can't have an arsonist in our midst.
We can have four idiots and a fat guy, but no arsonists.
Now clean out your locker and beat it! They can't do this to me, Bender, a well-known hero.
I'm the world's greatest firefighter! Fire! What the? What kind of crazy fire is this? Greetings, Bender.
Thank you for transporting me from the sun to your helpless, flammable planet.
How could a fire learn to talk? Did you burn up a dictionary? Or a parrot? I am a being of pure solar energy.
My race inhabits the nuclear inferno.
of the sun's photosphere.
You're a chatty little fire, aren't ya? A billion years ago, I attempted to overthrow.
the democratically elected alderman from my district.
But I was captured and imprisoned.
Fools! Then you arrived and provided me a means of escape.
Get to the point, flame-o.
If I can't rule the sun, I shall ignite your planet and rule here instead.
So you set all those fires.
You framed me! You're huff in' for a snuff in', boy! Foolish robot.
No power on earth can extinguish me! Oh, yeah? Let's see how you stand up to pure grain alcohol! Hello.
What's this flaming pool? You mean the company lava pit that goes all the way to the earth's fiery core? Uh, I don't know.
The core? This is too easy.
Once I make my way there, your planet will go micro-nova and become a miniature sun, with me as its supreme alderman.
Oh, no, you probably don't! Gotcha.
If I can't extinguish you I'll take you where there's nothing flammable so you can't do any more harm.
Turn back, Bender! Turn back or else! Or else what? Oh, or else that.
Nice try, flame bag, but now you're trapped here with me.
for the next billion years.
I've saved the entire world! And no one will ever know.
Uh, yes, hi.
I'm from the vampire bank that burned down.
I have what remains of the contents.
of a safe deposit box belonging to a Bender B.
Rodriguez.
Ah, thank you.
Bender's medal.
It melted in the fire.
Wait a second.
You can't keep me here forever.
Sooner or later, a polar bear will happen by.
A nice, flammable polar bear.
Polar bears don't burn.
I've tried many times.
Huh? Bender! Fry? How'd you find me? I used the "find my robot" app.
Neat.
What was it, 99 cents? No, free.
But it's got ads on it.
That seems fair.
Look, Bender, I'm sorry for doubting you.
I realize now that you're a true hero, Not a glory-seeking arsonist.
How'd you figure it out? Your burnt-up medal.
I know you would never set a fire that would endanger your own valuables.
Of course not.
It was a psychotic flame creature from the sun.
who set those fires.
Flame creature? That's right.
Fry, meet flame-o.
That's not a flame creature.
It's your pilot light.
No, it's a fire monster from outer space, and I'm heroically saving the world by trapping him here.
So it was you.
You're so desperate for glory, you made up this whole crazy story.
Here's your medal, "hero.
" Stupid Bender.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
There, finished.
Man, I'm good at this, eh, flame-o? Yo, flame-o.
So, where's the fire this time? Here.
Where? Here! Literally, here! It's like the flame has a mind of its own! It's deaky! Freaky deaky! This fire's unstoppable! Thank god we all got out of there.
Someone save me! I made a rope from my clothes, But then this fire started.
Raise the main ladder! Don't lose hope, Fry! What kind of coffin do you want?! Bender? I should have known you started this fire.
Just another chance to be a hero.
Well, you're not saving me.
Not this time.
I don't have time for this shazbot.
You're getting heroed, whether you like it or If you're done saving me from the fire monster from the sun, I'll be on my way.
I guess some grown men just don't like being carried.
Thank you, Bender.
You brought me right to the lava pit.
And another thing.
If someone gives you a nice medal, you should be responsible enough to care for it.
Fry? Yeah? Shut up! I got to do hero stuff.
All the lava in the world won't wash away your lies.
We are the mystic aldermen of the sun.
Okay.
Stand back, please.
Okay.
Unhand me! Thank you for your heroism, earth robot.
You have saved your planet.
from becoming a lifeless ball of fire.
You are now the greatest hero in earth's history.
Yes! Suck it, Gilgamesh! Good-bye forever.
No! I won't go back! I won't Holy crap! All your crazy stories were true! You saved the entire earth! Yes.
Yes, I did.
But no one will ever believe me.
Yes.
They will.
I'll vouch for you.
No.
They won't believe you either.
If you even tell anyone I was here they'll say I set the fire.
So, please, for me, cram it? No! The world has to know that Fry? Are you down here? He's all right! Praise Gilgamesh! So you started the fire? I'm afraid so.
Bender was thousands of miles away.
I guess a welding torch is no way to catch a rat.
This is coming out of your pay! Well, I'm back.
What'd I miss? Looks like the building burned down.
Yeah, thanks to this dope.
Fry did it?! Ow! You're a horrible person! And your carelessness nearly cost the life of my best friend.
You.
Ow! Ow! Corrections by alth