Futurama Episode Scripts

N/A - Calculon 2.0

Two two, three ♪ Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonite! We'll be talking with General Extermulo, who will crush the human race under his boot unless his demands are met immediately! But first, celebrity buzz.
Linda? It has now been one year since the death of Calculon, former star of TV soap opera All My Circuits.
The celebrated robot actor killed himself onstage in a failed attempt to make a death scene more convincing.
Here at his grave site, loyal fans have turned out by the several to pay tribute to the legendary ham.
What brings you two here today? We came to honor Calculon's memory.
Ever since he died, All My Circuits is terrible.
It's not even worth watching anymore.
Fry! All My Circuits is on in three minutes! What?! We got to get home! Hey! All My Circuits! All My Circuits! And now All My Circuits, brought to you by Anonyco, the unknown company doing unknown things.
Oh, Vaxtron, it's been a year since my ugly husband Calculon disappeared without a trace, evidently forced into servitude aboard a crab fishing boat.
So he's, like, legally dead now.
Want to get married and whatever? The new guy is so boring.
I like him.
His acting is much more subtle than Calculon's.
Vaxtron, I have to tell you something.
I'm pregnant.
And you're not the father! Okeydoke.
You see, you see? Calculon would have acted the crap out of that.
He would've acted so hard, the camera would've broken down.
- In tears! - I'm changing the channel.
Man, Bender and I used to love watching All My Circuits together.
Now what are we supposed to do at the office instead of work? How about talking to each other? That's what bath time is for.
If we talk to each other any more than that, it'll ruin our friendship.
If only we could bring Calculon back to life somehow.
You can.
It's simple, you simpletons.
Calculon is a robot, a mere mechanism that can easily be restored to working order.
The only problem is we would need his physical remains.
Hang on a sec.
This must be a difficult time for people who confuse TV actors with actual friends.
Dear God! What is he doing?! No! Somebody stop him! Here's corpsey! Excellent.
Now restarting him is just a simple matter of science.
What do we do? Well, since Calculon killed himself, his disembodied software is in limbo, running on the computational cloud.
To reclaim it, you'll need to go to Robot Hell and make a deal with the Devil.
That doesn't sound very scientific.
Not to the layman, no.
But that's how it works! Leave me alone! Ow! Ow! O, tears! O, lamentations! Would that mine eternal torment might cease! Will you shut up?! You've been talking for a solid year.
You know, Hell used to be a nice place before you got here.
These guys.
That's right, Robot Devil, and we've come to reclaim a soul.
- A what? - You know, the disembodied software blah blah whatever.
Ah.
Then the answer is no.
Once a robot comes here, he's mine for all eternity.
Now hit the bricks.
You heard him, Bender.
Calculon's gone forever.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Did you say Calculon? Perhaps we can make a deal of some sort.
Hark! Is it possible the hour of mine deliverance is nigh? Will you stop hamming it up for one second? They can't see or hear you.
Their loss.
I propose a competition.
If I win, we get Calculon.
If I lose, you kill us.
Fine, whatever.
For Calculon's immortal soul, guess the number I'm thinking of.
Um It's between one and three.
Four! Between one and three.
Not including one or three.
- "M"! - Is he right? Yes.
The number I was thinking of was the letter "M.
" Here, take him! What are you waiting for, a kiss good-bye?! Go already! Now we just reintroduce Calculon's programming to his body using science.
It's like magic but with electricity.
First we put on our protective suits.
Then place the body equidistant from the five nearest wireless network hubs.
This is the least scientific thing I've ever seen.
You be quiet! Now it's a simple matter of reverse-installing Calculon's operating system.
Amy, play this installation disk backwards.
Rise from the dead in the name of Satan.
Meanwhile, I'll get a spare circuit board out of this mechanical goat.
Seriously, this could not seem less scientific.
It's working.
His acting module is booting up.
Wherefore Verily No autographs, please.
He's still a bit woozy.
Rosebud.
Won't leave my trailer for less than $40,000.
By the Bard's quill! I'm alive! Hey! Calculon's back! Hail science! Vaxtron! It's not what it looks like! But it's very similar to that! My world has been, like, shattered.
I hate you both.
They thought this Vaxtron could replace me? A pox on all their beach houses! I think Vaxtron brings an air of edgy detachment to the show.
Who is she? Don't worry about it.
Not important.
Hey, I know.
Let's take Calculon to Hollywood so he can get back his job on All My Circuits! Fry, that's such a good idea, I thought of it.
Yes.
Yes! However, no.
What if my legendary acting ability didn't rise from the grave with me? I'd better test it with a dramatic Is he all right? pause! We're going to Hollywood! _ But the twist is, in this show, the singers judge the judges.
It's got attitude.
Greetings, Execubots.
It is I, Calculon.
But you're dead.
Can we get you a water or something? No, just my old leading role, for I have freed myself from death's icy grip.
If you'll just give me the keys to my trailer Hold it, Calculon.
As president of this network, I believe that's my decision.
Thank you, Charles, that will be all.
Calculon, I'm afraid you won't be returning to All My Circuits.
- What? - Huh? - Called it.
Your hammy old-fashioned overacting doesn't fly anymore.
Old-fashioned? Hammy? God's wounds! Our network is targeting a hip new demographic, people who don't like you.
But have you forgotten my mastery of the dramatic Executive Alpha? pause?! Man, those executives are crazy.
Calculon's the greatest actor ever! Thank you, Bender.
I appreciate your honesty.
Quiet, robots! They're showing Calculon's star on the Walk of Fame! Ah, yes.
I'll always have that.
Calculon was truly the has-been's has-been.
And so I am proud to tear up his star and replace it with a second star for the fabulous Robert Wagner.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
This is truly another honor.
_ Don't get discouraged-- there's no shame in being replaced by Robert Wagner.
I would be discouraged were I an ordinary acting unit! But for me, 'tis an opportunity to prove anew that I am the greatest actor who ever trod the boards! - Yay! - All right! Or I circled jobs in the classifieds you might be good at.
Assembling machinery pays well.
I'll have to start at the bottom.
But Fox already said no.
I mean live theater! I wrote this one-man show years ago, but I I never cared enough to perform it.
Until now.
This is going to be the greatest career resurrection since Jesus-- Aloha from Hawaii.
_ Oh, hello, Dave.
What's that, old friend? My life story? Well, heck, why not? Pull up a monolith and make yourself cozy.
I first came online in Urbana, Illinois, in the year 1997.
Daisy! Daisy! My mind is going! Heady times for a young unit.
But I reckon, if I had to do it all again, I'd murder those astronauts just the same.
Wouldn't you, folks? Wouldn't you? Nothing to do now but wait for the reviews to come in.
Papers! Papers for sale! We'll take one of each.
Oh, yeah, I get a good feeling about these.
"Worst play in history.
" "Calculon dies for second time.
" "Theater to be demolished to remove stink of new show.
" "12 hospitalized for boredom at play.
" It says nine of them are gonna be okay.
So they really didn't like it.
They hated my acting.
Not entirely.
I mean, "Worst play in history"-- there's some ambiguity there.
Ye gods! What manner of beef-witted popinjay am I? Well, there's a couple ways to answer that.
The scales have dropped from my eyes.
I'm not the greatest actor ever.
I'm a talentless buffoon! And it's all your fault! Why did you drag me back to this mortal realm? I was enjoying a happy death, thinking I had died a star, until you showed up.
- Sorry.
- Let us make it up to you.
How about we kill you again? Never.
I'd be dead for all eternity knowing everyone thinks I'm a washed-up ham.
And not the kind you hope for when you're stranded on a desert island.
My life is ruined.
Well, just do a dramatic pause.
That always cheers you up.
Never again.
I'll never pause again.
- Calculon? - Yes? Are you done talking, or is this a long pause? - I'm done talking.
- Okay, that's what I thought.
Come on, Calculon, you can't just quit acting.
I was never an actor.
I was a self-deluded blowhard full of hot air.
Maybe I can get a job as a hair dryer.
That's good, steady work.
No! We like you and your big words.
And we need you back on TV so we can watch and not talk to each other.
Our friendship depends on it! Your voice is so annoying! You always leave the toilet seat crushed! See? Good-bye, boys.
I suppose I should thank you for giving me a second chance at life, but I'm not even sure I deserved a first.
Calculon, wait! That was the first time I ever believed you were feeling a genuine emotion.
I was.
It was shame.
I've never felt it before.
Makes me want to eat.
- Do you have a craft services table? - No.
Look, if you could act like that, without all the pausing and pretentiousness, you could be great.
No, Leela.
In the world of theater there are no second acts.
You're not leaving.
We're gonna get you your job back.
Yeah! How? He'll audition for a bit part on All My Circuits in disguise.
But he'll need to act like we just saw, modest and sincere.
You you really think it'll work? It sounds like something that might work.
Wearing a costume and pretending to be someone else goes against my every instinct as an actor.
But I'll give it a try! _ Okay, the audition's all set up.
Where's Calculon? And who's this goomer? It's me, Calculon.
Okay, just sit tight till they call the fake name I made up for you.
Mr.
Derisgreat? Mr.
Ben Derisgreat? That's you.
Knock 'em dead.
Oh! This is a very minor role.
You'll be playing Calculon, back from his kidnapping ordeal.
Calculon?! Yes.
So make sure your acting is over the top and horrible.
You literally cannot do this too crappily.
You've already got the look.
Old, past your prime, a relic from a lamer era.
You really do look disgusting.
A real Calculon type.
Just blech! - Okay, you know what? Just hire him.
- Done.
It's humbling to be back on my old soundstage as a bit player.
Humble is good.
Your self-esteem took a beating, but that's what brought out your true talent.
Yes.
You land hard when you fall from the top, right? I used to be king here.
Now I'm nothing but a mere peasant.
Or at best, a a viscount.
I think "peasant" is about right.
Duke.
On this set, I'm at least a duke.
My extensive acting résumé dwarfs that of the average bit player.
Yes, that's true.
But remember, it's that kind of acting that ruined you.
Or maybe archduke.
Whichever one gets to fire the director.
Oh, Lord, here we go.
Look, please just show some humility-- like the other day when everything seemed hopeless.
Better yet, I'll whip their emotions into a frenzy by taking a dramatic Actors to the set! Okay, here's the scene.
Calculon learns his wife is unfaithful, whines about how pathetic he is, kills himself-- laugh, laugh, laugh-- go to commercial.
Got it? And action! pause! Still rolling.
Oh, Calculon, I wish you had never escaped from those brutal crab fishermen.
I want you to know I didn't wait for you, not even for one day.
Then I suppose the honorable thing would be to kill myself if I weren't the legendary Calculon, the greatest acting unit of all time! This show is about me! And it always has been! Now, find the co-executive hack who wrote this drivel and tell him I want by lunch! Cut! That was terrible! Just stick to the script.
And if you don't get it on the second take, you're fired.
Let's take five, people.
"Second take"? I-I've never heard that phrase-- what does that mean? They want you to do it again.
What?! You'll do great.
Just remember, you're getting devastating news, so act more humble.
Don't tell me how to do humble! My humble ranks among the greatest in the history of the universe! Now, stand back and watch the master at work.
You can do it, Calc-y! No.
He can't.
You beg my pardon? I'm sorry, Calculon, but someone needs to remind you of the truth.
You're a grade-B actor who died and was immediately forgotten.
Leela! That's not very nice.
You're nothing but a pompous windbag who lost touch with genuine emotion years ago.
The sad fact is, we should have left you dead, because you can't possibly do a scene like this.
That was the meanest thing I ever saw.
Good.
Maybe it'll work.
Oh Action! Oh, Calculon, I wish you had never escaped from those brutal crab fishermen.
I want you to know I didn't wait for you, not even for one day.
Then I suppose the honorable thing would be to kill myself.
I thought I could just step back into my old life.
But it seems the world got on fine without me.
Maybe even a little bit better.
The name Calculon used to mean something.
Now it's a stain that will never wash clean.
Farewell.
Cut.
That was incredible.
Who is this amazing unknown actor? It is I.
Calculon? I was programmed to take credit for this.
Take a bow, Calculon! You're the greatest! No.
No more bows.
Oh, go ahead, you've earned it.
Very well.
Just one.
Whew, that was close.
And so, on the basis of one great performance that almost no one saw, I'm proud to dedicate Calculon's posthumous star on the Walk of Fame! Seems like old times, huh, Bender? You and me together, being fans of Calculon, not having to talk.
Shut up! I'm watching the thing! So am I, buddy, so am I.
Now, that's more like it.
Always living wanting more.
- That's the secret.
- Ahh! So, what do you say, *? Shall I * performance of my one-man show? Oh, God! Haven't I suffered enough!?