Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Long Weekend

1 Come on, guys, we got an hour before the bus leaves for the weekend field trip.
That's an hour we can use for gaming.
I hope you know I gave up the best seat on the bus for this.
You're sitting right behind the driver.
That's the worst seat.
Oh ho, that's where you're wrong, sister.
That seat's for us cool kids who get to remind the bus driver not to go over the speed limit.
Everyone knows the good seats are in the back.
What happens behind the wheel hump stays behind the wheel hump.
Yeah, back there, it's a lawless land of stolen lunches and girls your mother warned you about.
Hey, I sit in the back of the bus.
That's what she warned me about.
Come on, this is our last chance to game before we're stuck spending a whole weekend at the Twine Mine.
[groans] Hey, it's not every day you get to look at a giant ball of string that rolled into a cave.
ALL: Thanks, Franklin.
Howdy Doody, cyber pals.
Everybody knows nothing brings a team closer together than a 29-hour bus ride through the desert.
If it wasn't for me signing us up for these great field trips, those guys would've missed out on awesome places like the Museum Museum, which is a museum full of pictures of other museums.
Ooh, after we tour the mine, we get to eat an authentic miner's lunch.
- What's that? - It's just a cheeseburger, but they rub dirt on your face and strap a flashlight to your head.
[horn honks] Come on, Wendell.
How can you let that ogre sneak up on you? I couldn't help it.
I was a little distracted by the sound of the bus leaving.
- ALL: The bus! - Go! [alarm sounding] What is this? It's a new state-of-the-art security system that locks down the whole school.
There was a big write-up on it in the school newsletter.
You guys do read the school newsletter, don't you? ALL: No.
Well, you should, 'cause it's very informative.
Next Thursday, you can bring back your overdue library books without a late fee.
Ha! Said a cool guy never.
Face it, guys.
We're totally trapped.
We don't know that.
There's gotta be some way we can bust through this gate.
Hey, Wendell, ferrets are the dumbest animals in the world.
You take that back! Raah! Huh.
Guess we are trapped.
[title music] Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x08 - The Long Weekend Gamer's Guide According to the school newsletter, this is the Guard Tech 3000 zoo-grade security system.
Why does it need to be zoo grade? - Oh, I get it now.
- It's no use.
Every window and door has been secured with high-density titanium.
Guard Tech even shuts down the internet so no one can hack the system.
It's all in the newsletter, people.
Guys, all we have to do is call someone.
Which is something we could've done if the teachers didn't take our phones when we got on the bus this morning.
So we probably should've just stayed on the bus.
ALL: Thanks, Conor.
Okay, so it was my fault that we got trapped in the school for a three-day weekend.
But I didn't force them to get off the bus.
All I said was, "Get off the bus or you're off the team.
" Which now, saying it out loud, does sound a little force-y.
Okay, come on, guys.
We'll be fine.
Someone's gonna realize we've gone missing.
That's why we have the buddy system, right? Who was your buddy? - Wendell.
- Franklin.
- Conor.
- Ashley.
Okay, who was your back-up buddy? - Wendell.
- Ashley.
- Conor.
The buddy system is a flawed system.
You know, without any teachers, school might not be so bad.
I can do whatever I want.
If nobody's gonna yell at me, it's not that fun.
We're gonna be stuck in here all weekend.
- What do we do now? - Whatever we want.
Why don't we go to the theater department and get a box of costumes and props? Why? So we can dress up in tights and have a costume dance party like a bunch of theater wieners? Actually, I had a different idea.
All right, Ash, take him down.
She's no match for the cowboy ninja Wild Bill Shenobi.
Look out.
Ninja wall flip.
Whoa! I am a ninja.
I got this.
Let 'er rip.
Who's ready for costume dance party? Oh! I didn't know we landed on the slingshot jousting thing.
I'm gonna do a quick change.
All this time, I thought I hated school.
Turns out, I just hate people.
I redid the lettering on the cafeteria menu board.
I changed Taco Tuesday to Nacho Tuesday.
Ashley, no one's even gonna notice.
Oh, they'll notice.
It's gonna be culinary chaos! Man, I'm getting thirsty.
I wouldn't recommend drinking anything from the water fountains.
Everyone knows they use the same pipes as the toilets.
Not everyone knows that.
[coughs] [laughter] Guess that juicy little nugget wasn't in your newsletter.
I'm getting hungry.
And if I don't eat, I start getting loud, irritable and cranky! Wow.
You must never eat.
Well, all the food in the cafeteria's locked up.
Guys, check it out.
You know what this is? Of course I do.
It's a it's a hair dryer.
It's not a hair dryer, you fig licker.
It's a wall phone.
ALL: Ooh! Great! So we can call my mom! Wait.
Where's the Mom button? There is no Mom button.
You have to dial the number.
[scoffs] Like a caveman? Okay, let's just call my house.
I think the number starts with a two, and an eight Try that.
Does anyone know any numbers by heart? I do.
Rug World.
555-0100 Rugz With a Z! [humming Rug World tune] Hello.
Are you there? I can barely hear you.
I need better reception.
Hello? [groans] It's even worse over here.
Way to go, Wendell.
You ripped the whole cord right out of the wall.
It's not my fault some idiot put a wire on the phone.
How is that gonna help? [both talking at once] [cackling laughter] Ssh! I don't think we're alone.
[creepy music] There go our students.
Off to enrich their impressionable young minds.
And the best part is, we're not with 'em.
Enjoy the twine mine, suckers.
All right, guys, it's almost time for our rockin' teachers only weekend.
We got board games, broccoli puffs.
Ooh, it's gonna get cray-cray up in this hizzy.
What do you mean? I thought we were here to discuss possible homecoming themes.
Silly Dumpler.
You're only here 'cause we needed a fourth for Words With Pals.
You lied to me? Well, I'm gonna walk right outta here! [alarm blaring] [shrieking] Well guess we're doing the game thing.
Okay, before we begin, everybody give me your phone.
They're all going in the safe so nobody can cheat.
BOTH: Janice! Fine, but for the record, I am not a cheater.
Uh, this is your garage door opener.
Just testing you, and you passed.
All right.
Now let's not forget what this weekend is all about.
Good times with good friends.
Let go of my eyebrow, you hag! You're a dirty cheater and I hate you! I am not a cheater! "Quizzminyx" is totally a word.
Oh, yeah? Use it in a sentence.
Some dumpy mama's boy asked me to use quizzminyx in a sentence.
I guess it's valid.
[Wendell yelling in distance] Did you hear that? All I heard is my 50-point bonus.
[maniacal cackling] Ssh! I don't think we're alone.
[creepy music] We don't know who's out there.
Could be criminals, burglars.
You gals go first.
[all screaming] ALL: Teachers! ALL: Students! - What are you doing here? - Homework - What are you doing here? - Grading homework.
This is great.
You kids already ruin our weekdays, now you ruined our favorite weekend.
Your favorite weekend is grading homework? Uh, yes, since that's what we said we were doing.
We don't wanna be locked in here, but we can't call for help, because we left our phones on the bus.
Well, let's go get our phones and call the security company.
Leave it to you useless gamers to get yourselves - locked in the school.
- I've been saying it for years.
This school would be great if it wasn't for the students.
All right, who's got the code? Well, I can't trust these guys, so as the responsible one, I made sure to write it down on my phone.
And where's your phone? - Please don't tell me it's in the safe.
- It's in the safe! Oh.
Looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while.
- Well, at least we have food.
- Yeah.
What food do you guys have? You guys aren't gonna share? Well, fine.
Then we're not gonna share our video games with you.
Big loss.
Can you dump a video game in ranch dressing? I don't know, but I kinda wanna try.
Maybe you'd be willing to share your food when you realize that we have all the water.
What are you talking about? We got the last jug of water right over Hey.
Run! Looks like you guys are in a real quizzminyx.
- I told you it was a real word.
- Get him! All right, guys.
We gotta ration out this water so it will last us till Monday.
So if we just do the math Hang on.
No one's doing math on a weekend.
Hey, guys.
We got a note from the teachers.
They wanna negotiate.
- I'll do it.
- Whoa.
Why you? You're stubborn, you're a pushover, - and you're - We know what I am.
Just go.
Don't worry.
I got this.
The key to negotiation is remaining calm and level-headed.
There is no deal.
No deal! So maybe I wasn't exactly calm.
But Funkus was trying to pull one over on me.
I offered him a cup of water for an egg roll, and you know what he said? Yes.
Okay, it wasn't what he said.
It was how he said it.
Thanks, Ashley.
I knew you were gonna mess up the negotiations.
I took out Funkus.
You wanna be next? Okay, let's not turn on each other.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Wendell's the only one keeping his head.
What's wrong with his head? Wendell's gone.
That's a dummy.
I've been talking with him for the last 20 minutes.
That snake took the only drinking water in the whole school.
ALL: Wendell!! Ration this, suckers.
Ah! Oh, man, this boiler's filthy.
Ooh, a spider.
Better drown it.
What's that noise? Sounds like a heinous beast eating its prey.
[hissing] Called it.
Hey, Janice.
I see you stole the teachers' food to hog it for yourself.
Looks like you stole the gamers' water to hog it for yourself.
You're a lowdown, back-stabbing turncoat.
I never thought I'd say this, but I respect you, Janice.
Well, I've got the food, you got the water.
What do you say we join forces? You mean like super-villains? I'm in.
- Water? - Oh, yeah.
Skirt steak? Heck yeah.
I love skirt steak.
But we have to eat it raw; there's no way to cook it.
You never cooked a slab of meat on a boiler pipe before? Just crank this baby to full blast, and before you know it, we've got ourselves a barbecue.
[meat sizzling] I never thought I'd say this, but Wendell, you're a genius.
- Are you hot? - I think so, especially when I wear my silk shirt and skinny jeans.
She's talking about the temperature, you bubble brain.
Come on, let's go get Wendell.
That traitor must've stolen our water so he could join the teachers.
Okay, let's go get Janice.
That traitor probably stole our food so she could join the students.
- There they are.
- There they are.
- Get 'em! - Get 'em! Wait.
Where's Wendell with our water? Where's Janice with our food? [sniffing] What's that smell? Okay, don't laugh.
I have a condition called complete body stank.
[all laughing] I said don't laugh.
It's not that.
[sniffing] Someone's cooking skirt steak on a boiler pipe.
[belching loudly] This boiler meat is even better than furnace waffles.
I think it's coming from over here.
[both hissing] - Wendell! - Janice! You ate all our food! And you used up all our water.
ALL: Thanks, Wendell.
I don't know why they were so mad.
All I did was steal their water and form an unholy alliance with our mortal enemy.
Do I feel bad? Of course I do.
I feel bad that I got caught.
But I had to do the honorable thing.
Blame somebody else.
This is all Franklin's fault.
He's the one who signed us up for this dumb field trip.
Don't pin this on me, water thief.
Conor had us leave the bus to game.
If Ashley knew how to negotiate Guys, we've got bigger fish to fry.
No, we ate all the fish.
Look at this temperature gauge.
The boiler's gonna blow any minute.
[Funkus yelling] We gotta get outta here! Run! I knew I shouldn't have worked out that one time.
Okay, we're trapped.
We gotta find a way to shut this thing down.
But we can't.
Some idiot broke off the temperature control lever.
Uh, yeah, probably Franklin.
We're as cooked as the eight steaks in my stomach.
Well, if this is the end, there's something I gotta do.
I told you, Dumpler, I'm outta your league.
GUYS: I'm not! Come on.
You guys are teachers.
Do something.
On it.
[all whispering] We got nothing.
And we're really scared.
Looks like we're gonna have to shut down the boiler ourselves.
- I could release the pressure.
- Yes, do that.
But then the room will fill with deadly steam.
Don't do that.
We can use these spare parts to release the pressure out that vent.
Game on.
We only have straight pipes.
Make it work.
Yes! Way to work together, guys.
We did it.
We're heroes! The teachers are heroes! No, Janice, the gamers did it.
Thank you.
She's right.
The way you guys work together really teached us something.
Teached? Aren't you an English teacher? Little secret.
I never officially gotted my degree.
Come on, guys, let's get outta here.
They just opened the cafeteria.
- It's about to happen.
- What are you talking about? It's Tuesday.
Don't you remember? I changed the cafeteria menu board from Taco Tuesday to Nacho Tuesday.
Ashley, I told you, no one's even gonna notice.
[students screaming] The cafeteria is serving nachos instead of tacos! It's culinary chaos! Save yourselves! Told ya.