Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e04 Episode Script

Hey, Louise.
How was your day? Terrible.
Remember when I wrote that letter to the EPA about toxic insulation in our school? Yeah, honey, you write a lot of letters.
Well, it's gonna cost the school $50,000 to fix it, so they're canceling the art program.
How was your day, Tommy? Great.
I just found out I don't have to take art, so No, thanks.
I got it.
What's that? Oh, just one of many boxes of yours that's still stacked in my basement.
Come on, it's time you got the rest of your stuff out of my house.
I mean, the ski clothes, the stereo equipment, the comic books, all six stupid seasons of Perfect Strangers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Larry and Balki, they were ill-suited to be roommates.
- That's not stupid, that's genius.
- Okay, okay.
Gary, it's time, okay? I want it out by Friday.
Friday? Don't be ridiculous.
Gary, it was supposed to be out months ago.
Okay? Nowhere in the divorce agreement does it say Oh, my gosh, the divorce agreement, the piece of paper that stipulates that you always get the upper hand and I get the finger.
Okay, you know what? It is not my fault that your lawyer's band went on tour during our proceedings.
Allison, if Hasselhoff says you're going on tour, you're going on tour.
Look at all this cool stuff you have in Mom's basement.
- What's this? - That's a beer-can hat, my friend.
And I'll have you know I drank all those beers myself.
- It's only three, Dad.
- Well, you know what? You try crocheting a hat after drinking three beers.
Okay.
No, no.
Tommy, not until you're 17.
Is this your eighth-grade yearbook, Dad? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let me show you something.
See Hey, look at this.
See this tall, handsome guy playing quarterback? - Is that you? - No.
I just always thought that guy was tall and handsome.
No, I didn't play football until high school.
This is junior high, where I wrestled.
There There's your daddy wrestling right there.
Your face is being covered by that guy's butt.
Actually, that's my butt.
I quit after that.
Yeah, once you see your own butt from that angle, you know it's time to quit.
Wow.
Thanks for getting all this stuff out of here.
Yeah, just a few more loads and all the evidence of my existence in the basement I spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars finishing will be complete.
And many a nights passed out in.
I wasn't passed out, Allison.
I was hiding.
It's not really hiding if no one's looking for you, Gary.
Look, I'll be back next week to get the pool table, okay? The pool table? Yeah, the pool table.
You probably know it as my basement wife.
- Gary, the pool table is mine.
- What? Yeah.
I believe you gave it to me as an anniversary gift one year.
Oh, no, no, no, that was a joke.
No, that's a joke.
I gave it to you, but it's really for me.
- You know, it's a joke.
- No, Gary, that's the set-up to the joke.
The punch line is, I'm keeping it.
No, no, Allison! No, this is my pool table.
You can't have it.
She's perfect.
I love her.
You don't even use it.
What do you mean? I'm using it right now to store old photographs, none of which, by the way, is of a trip to Paris, which is what you should've gotten me as an anniversary gift.
France, Allison? Really? You want to sit on a plane for 11 hours to find out people don't like you there either? Come on, let me keep the pool table.
What? No, no.
This was a gift to me.
The divorce agreement clearly states all gifts stay with the recipient.
You know, I wish you would stop bringing up that stupid divorce agreement because I signed it under duress.
How were you under duress? They said if I didn't sign it, I'd have to stay married to you.
I'm sorry about your pool table, honey.
Why is Allison being so stubborn? I don't know.
Why do bees sting people even though they know they're gonna die? She doesn't deserve that table.
She doesn't respect the game.
She calls the rack "that triangle thing.
" What's a rack? It's the You know, it's that triangle thing.
I can't believe she's got the upper hand in everything regarding our divorce agreement.
I can't One day I gotta read that stupid piece of paper I signed.
Well, I think that she's being totally unfair.
- Wanna switch places? - Yeah, sure.
So how did things go today with your ex? God, we fought, as usual.
This time it was about our dog, Wendell.
He needs pills that cost $50 a month, and Ronnie refuses to split the bill with me.
- Cheap bastard.
- Thank you.
- I didn't know you had a dog.
- Yeah, I'm kind of a dog lover.
I don't even know how many I've rescued.
I can't even count.
But when we split, I couldn't find a place that would let me keep them, so Ronnie has them all.
AII? Well, what do you mean by "all"? How many dogs do you have? Uh Seven.
Tucker, Daisy, Wendell, Arizona, Cheater, Cabot and Gus.
But they're all really small.
Yeah.
Except for Gus, who's, like, huge.
So, Ronnie takes care of your seven dogs? Yeah, but it's not that hard.
Except for Cabot, who needs eye drops and Tucker, who needs anti-depressants, and, of course, Gus the Bus, who has to sleep in bed with you, human style, head on pillow.
It's really cute.
But Ronnie acts, like, so put out by the whole thing.
He's such a jerk.
I said he's such a jerk.
Right, Gary? Isn't he a jerk? Oh, my God.
Are you siding with Ronnie? No, I'm not siding with Ronnie.
But seven dogs? Eye drops? Anti-depressants? Gus the Bus? Oh, my gosh.
Sounds like Ronnie kind of got the not-so-good end of the deal there, right? What are you, like, Ronnie's best friend now? No, I'm not Ronnie's best friend.
I just see his point.
Why don't you go off and marry him? It doesn't sound like he has room for me.
You know what? I gotta go to work.
Come on.
I was just kidding around, that's all.
Come on.
You know, I totally supported you with your pool table issue.
And I support you, too.
I just thought it was funny with the seven dogs.
I was trying to make a joke, that's all.
You know what? I hope that you and Ronnie will be very happy together, but the first time he calls and says he's spending the night at his "brother's," he's really banging a waitress.
Hey.
How was your power walk? Exhilarating.
What a workout.
Hey, what happened to your hand weights? Stolen by skateboarders, one on each side.
They picked me clean.
Well, this'll cheer you up.
It's a picture of me in Cancun, spring break, my senior year of college.
Gee! You must have been caught in a rainstorm.
Your T-shirt is soaked.
Yeah.
I won $200 for getting caught in that rainstorm.
You could have won additional money by entering some sort of breast contest.
- Thank you, honey.
- What are you doing? Oh.
Well, now that Gary finally got all his stuff out of the way, I can start organizing my things, starting with all my pictures.
Why is Gary lying on his back in front of the Washington Monument? - I get it.
It's as though it's his penis.
- Yeah.
He has a whole series of those things.
The Space Needle, giant redwood, Old Faithful He has embarrassed me from sea to fricking shining sea.
Well, I wouldn't give him the Cancun photo.
That would just be cruel.
No, no.
He's not getting that one.
But believe me, Gary's seen pictures of me wearing a lot less, a lot less.
Actually, there's a photo album around here somewhere.
Uh-oh.
Where is it? What are you looking for? It's a It's a purple satin photo album.
Oh, crap, I don't think it's here.
What's in it? Our first Valentine's Day, I gave Gary some pictures of me.
Tasteful boudoir photos? Yes.
And no.
Let's each take a box! We'll treat this area like a grid.
Okay.
Oh, God.
It's not here.
You can give up if you like, but I intend to find those photos and look at them.
Easy, easy, easy! Hey, Dennis, I just measured the entire garage.
We can totally put the pool table in there.
We just have to play with the garage door open and switch to drumsticks when we're up against the water heater, okay? Okay, but Allison's never changed her mind about anything, except for spending the rest of her life with you.
It's a good point, Dennis.
You need to concentrate on all the great things you did get, comic books, this Frank Sinatra plate, photo album with sex picture of Allison on it.
What did you say? - Sinatra plate - No, no, no, the other thing.
Go back.
What was the other one? What's that? Here, this is for you.
You can have the Sinatra plate.
Oh, my gosh, I thought this was long gone, but it's not.
Here it is in my hands.
What's in it? They're just photos of a personal nature.
- May I please see her personal nature? - No, no, no.
Come on, man, it's just a bunch of old pictures.
No, you're not getting it.
It's much more than that, okay, Dennis? Chalk up your drumstick, my friend, because this is a pool table.
All right.
Hello, Gary.
May I come in? You know, except for the smile and the nice disposition, you look a lot like my ex-wife.
Oh! That is so funny because you and I are often fighting.
- What do you want? - What? - What do you want? - What? Nothing, I just came over to see, you know, if you needed any help unpacking, organizing, whatnot.
Looks like you're looking for something.
Are you looking for anything? No, Gary.
I just know how hard it is to, you know, settle into a new home, so 'Cause I was looking through the boxes earlier and I found something fascinating that you might be interested in.
- Yes? - A photo album.
- Really? - Yeah, of Tommy when he was a baby.
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
I did find something that gave me hours of pleasure, Allison, that you might be interested in, and that, of course, would be Barenaked Ladies, their second CD.
You sure you're not looking for anything, Allison? Please, Gary, you always say I got all the good stuff.
What could I possibly be looking for? Oh, I don't know.
Letters, journals, of a filthy bride, circa 1993.
So you found the Valentine's Day photos? Oh, yes, I did.
- May I have them? - No, you may not.
You know, the divorce agreement clearly states that all gifts are the property of the recipient.
Oh, no! Those photos are exempt from the rule, Gary.
Oh, they're not exempt.
They may be illegal in a few states, but they're not exempt, Allison.
Give me the photos.
Give me the photos.
- No.
No.
Hey, I have an idea.
- Yeah? Is it Ionely? What an unfortunate time to mock me, because I was thinking I could trade a few naughty Allison pictures for some things that I would like to have around here.
No, no, Gary.
Absolutely not.
I refuse to deal on principle.
But you're not that principled, Allison.
In fact, I have the pictures to prove it.
Oh! That was close.
Less close.
And a miss.
Strike three, you're out.
All right.
All right, so You're trying to blackmail me into giving you the pool table.
For starters.
- Starters? - Yeah, have a seat.
We'll talk all about it.
Go on, sit, sit.
You know, Allison, for the first time in our 15 years together, I have the upper hand.
And, you know, it's amazing that you would take that book out of my hand.
Thank you very much.
There's some things I've always wanted since we've been divorced, Allison, and now I have the power to ask for them.
For example, I want the armoire.
My grandmother's armoire that's been holding my clothes since I was a little girl? - That's what an armoire is? - Yeah.
I don't want that.
I want What's the leather thing I put my feet on when I'm watching football? - That's an ottoman.
- I want the ottoman.
Now, let's talk music.
Let's talk Crows.
I get Counting and Black.
- You keep Sheryl.
- No.
What do you mean, "no"? I don't even want that stuff, anyway.
All I really care about is the pool table, Allison.
I want it back.
No, Gary.
I'm saying no to everything.
Okay, great.
Well, I guess I can do whatever I want with Pouty Allison, Allison in the Jacuzzi I like this picture the most, 'cause you look genuinely surprised that you're not wearing any pants.
Ha! - Where are the pictures? - How dumb do you think I am? Very, but stay on the subject.
Where are they? They're hidden, Allison.
I hid them in a place where you will never find them, ever.
All right.
All right, Gary.
I give up.
You win.
Bring the photos over and I'll give you the pool table.
That sounds good.
And hey, I'm sorry it had to get so dirty, Allison, but you left me no choice.
And I'm sorry, but when I was pulling in, I kind of clipped the side of your van.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Hey, hey! Hey! What are you doing? Going to get my pictures in your sock drawer.
What makes you think I would hide them in my sock drawer? Come on, Allison.
Hey.
Flick.
Hey.
How much for you, sweet-cheeks? Ira.
No, it's me! It's Gary.
I know.
Are you still in love with Ronnie? No, I hate Ronnie.
Ronnie stinks.
It's okay, Ira.
He's all right.
Oh, my gosh.
That's gotta be the toughest Ira in America.
Look, I'm sorry I overreacted about the whole Ronnie thing.
I was just so crazed about this thing with Allison and the pool table.
I apologize.
So, you'll never side with Ronnie again? Never.
Even if you think that he's right and I'm wrong? Even that, yes.
And you don't think I'm crazy for having seven dogs? No.
I think it's cute.
Come on, I am so crazy! I have seven dogs! Who has seven dogs? My hot girlfriend's ex-husband who's a jerk.
You just earned yourself a beer, mister.
All right.
Let's have a toast.
To exes who stink.
I take it you didn't get back your pool table? No, I had it.
Vanessa, I had the pool table in my hands, and then Allison just took it right out of my sock drawer.
I'm gonna pretend I know what that means.
You can play pool here.
I know, but it's not the same.
I need that pool table specifically.
I gotta get that table out of Allison's basement, but I don't know how.
What time does Ira get off of work? Come on, you guys.
Let's go.
All right, we gotta make this quick before Allison gets home, all right? We're not doing anything illegal, are we? No, no.
This is my ex-wife's house, Ira.
We're not Car, car! Car! Car! Car! No, we're okay.
It's gone now.
Come on, everybody up.
All right.
All right.
- I'm hungry.
- What? Yeah, well, we'll get something to eat when we're finished - like we talked about, okay, Ira? - But I'm hungry now.
All right, Ira, let's see what we have here.
Hey, hey, look, lasagna.
I'm on the South Beach Diet.
Ira, we're kind of in a time crunch here.
Could you help me out? Okay, heat it up.
I'll eat around the noodles.
Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.
Ira, you wanna help us out down here or what? You actually divorced a woman who can cook lasagna like this? You are a foolish, foolish man.
Okay, guys, can we move this along? My wife's asleep, and if she rolls over and doesn't squish me, she'll know I'm not there.
Okay, let's get started.
We're gonna have to take the pool-cue rack off the wall, so we're gonna need a screwdriver Or Or some spackle, that's cool.
Either way.
All right, come on, help me get this tarp off.
All right, come on, Dennis.
One, two, three.
- Hello, Gary! - Put it back! Put it back! Put it back! I knew it! I knew you were gonna try to steal the pool table.
What? Steal the pool table? Gary lied.
He said we were gonna try to save Christmas.
- Are we trespassing? - Yes.
Bye.
How long were you laying under there? Long enough to know you're the worst criminal ever.
I'm not a criminal.
I came to take what was mine.
Oh, my God.
You are never gonna let this go, are you? No, why should I? You got everything in the divorce.
I got totally shafted.
You got the money, you got the cars, you got my bar, for crying out loud! God, I'm so sick and tired of hearing about everything you lost.
What about me, Gary? You think this was my childhood dream? To be divorced after 15 years, and arguing through lawyers, shuttling our kids back and forth? You're not the only one that lost something, Gary.
If you want a pool table so bad, go out and buy one.
I don't wanna go out and buy one.
- I want this one, Allison.
- Why? Why? - Why does it have to be this one? - Because this one's mine! Because this one's mine! And I had so many good memories with this one.
Yeah, well, that's why I want it, too.
What, we want this for the same reason? - Yes! - Well, that is completely weird.
Gary, I love this table.
What, you think I'm just trying to hold on to it just to be vindictive? It would fit a pattern, yeah.
Gary, we had so much fun down here.
The kids would play, and we'd have all the neighbors come over, and, remember, I'd bring drinks downstairs for everybody and you'd yell at me when I put the can on the wood? Yeah.
It leaves a ring.
I mean, it's the one part of us I wouldn't mind holding on to.
But, you know, if you're not gonna let it go and you're gonna feel like you've been so shafted, then just, you know, go ahead and take it.
I can't take it after your nice speech.
I'd be a complete tool if I took it now.
Plus, Ira's gone.
No, he's still up there.
I can hear him digging through my freezer.
Mind if I have the last Dove Bar? You said you were on the South Beach Diet.
If you want it, just say you want it.
You keep the table, okay? You know, it's worth it to me to know that you have something in your house that reminds you of me in a good way.
You know, Gary, I don't know if I ever said this, but I'm sorry it didn't work out for us.
But, you know, we started in a good place.
We started in a great place.
- Game of eight-ball? - I like that.
Winner gets the ottoman? Rack them.
I don't have to.
They're already in the triangle thing.
Did everybody have hair like that back in the '80s? Yeah, we looked awesome.
Was it really windy back then? No, sweetie.
See, even the guys back then, we would use a blow dryer.
Also, we used this stuff called mousse.
It was kind of like mayonnaise that your hair ate.
Well, there's no kind way to say this, but everyone looked kind of stupid.
Are you out of your mind? We look fantastic.
Look at all the different looks you have here.
You have your Boy George.
Look Look at this, your Crockett and your Tubbs.
Let's see.
Look, you got the Madonna look, the Flock of Seagulls, come on, man.
We looked good.
- Why'd you do that? - Do what? What'd I do? - You put your collar up.
- Oh.
I don't know.
I think it looks cool.
Tommy, where you going? Oh.
I'm gonna go burn my yearbook.