GCB (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
1 (Bell tolling) Hi.
So sorry I'm late.
This is what you're wearing? Slacks? To church? Seriously? I think God just wants us to show up.
I don't think he minds what we wear.
Well, that's fine, unless you mind everybody else thinking you're a lesbian.
I wore pants because I tripped over a keg in the ladies' room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.
What a pretty story.
Let's just go worship, okay? Open-toed shoes? Oh, my God.
No.
We're going in the side door.
No.
No! Amanda! Oh! Check out the caboose on Laura Vaughn's mama.
Landry? Watch the locker-room language, please.
(Swats side) A bun-ular display like that is precisely why a lady never wears pants in church.
Hey, hey.
Don't be so hard on him, kitten.
Well, I won't have both my men being obsessed with Amanda.
I'm not obsessed with Amanda.
I'm obsessed with finding out what's going on with her dead husband.
I know, I know.
Could he still be alive? How can we find out? Be a little more friendly to her, get her to drop her guard so you can get in behind enemy lines.
(Car horn plays "The Yellow Rose of Texas") Who's that dude? That is Carlene's uncle Burl.
He's been gone for two years distributing millions of Bibles to folks in the third world countries.
Oh, he's a missionary? Well, not exactly.
He's been doing it from his yacht, but he's one of the finest, kindest people you'd ever hope to meet.
His wife Bitsy is not.
Gigi, come over here and break my neck.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) You either, Bitsy.
Gigi.
Let me look at you.
So brave.
I'm just dying to see everybody.
Now Bitsy and I were thinking about throwing together some kind of hootenanny at the ranch.
Over my dead body.
I'm throwing your homecoming party.
(Bitsy and Burl laugh) I wouldn't have it any other way.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Any chance I might squeeze in here? I didn't realize I broke a commandment.
"Thou shalt not wear slacks to church.
" Oh, yeah.
Tradition dies hard around here.
You know, I consider myself a strong, very secure, independent woman.
Fierce, even.
Mm-hmm.
So why can a little bit of criticism from my mother still slam me so hard? 'Cause she matters, and deep down, you care.
I gotta go work the booby brunch shift (Chuckles) and find my keys.
Me and my heathen slacks are slipping out of here.
Don't judge me.
Mm.
Hey.
Get back here.
What? Come on.
Girl, ain't nobody drives a pair of pants like you do.
I need your opinion about something.
You remember Westward Ho! Jeans? Yeah, vaguely.
Mama used to wear 'em when I was a kid.
Cricket's daddy's company discontinued the line about 25 years ago, but I've decided to relaunch the brand.
Whatcha think? I used a designer from "Project Runway.
" Truthfully? No, please, lie.
'Cause it's a $25 million investment.
I would like it to fail.
All I can say is that it's harder for a woman to find the right pair of jeans than it is to find the right man.
You know, a girl wants comfort and a cut that accentuates her assets.
They're just too busy, and, like, if that embroidery on the zipper is a tongue, that's just gross.
Well, you need to come work with me, consult.
That's so flattering, but I don't have any fashion design experience or resume.
Yeah, well, guess what? I'm the boss and I don't care.
Blake, that sounds amazing, but Cricket's also the boss, and I'm pretty sure she even blames me for her acne in high school, so (Chuckles) she won't like it.
Well, you know what? I'll handle Cricket.
My office, tomorrow, 9:00.
I want to relocate my company from Seattle, but we're just having trouble finding the right piece of land here.
A 500-acre chunk just came up in Alabama.
I have to go check it out.
Andrew, you can't check out of Texas.
We aim to keep you around.
(Chuckles) You just tell me what you're looking for, and I will deliver it to you on a silver platter.
Sharon, Zack.
How's it going? Pastor Tudor.
I thought our sermon was so on point, about how we have to beware of people who look all nice and cuddly on the outside, but on the inside they're just selfish and awful.
It really hit home.
O okay.
I'm looking forward to your next counseling session tomorrow.
Yeah, me, too.
A lot.
Can't wait.
Ever since you encouraged her last week to "speak in truth," she hasn't shut up, and it seems the truth is I can't do anything right, never have, never will.
Now I have worked my butt off to provide her with everything.
(Singsongy) I am the one that is working her butt off.
With everything.
Oh, well, clearly not enough, 'cause it's big (gasps) Hey, hey! Flag on the play! Get (Mutters) Listen, I don't think counseling can wait till tomorrow.
You two need a reality check.
Separation.
- What? - Separation? An in-house separation.
You're not appreciating what the other's bringing to the marriage.
- Well, I mean, you try feeding - You know how hard I work - this human garbage disposal for 17 - to sell Lamborghinis in this economy? No.
I time-out.
Zack.
You look after Mckinney.
You're in charge of the house, the cooking, and the cleaning.
Well, how do I know what to tell the maid to do? I don't even know her last name.
You're gonna give the maid the week off.
This way, you'll appreciate what Sharon does.
Sharon? Mm-hmm.
All you do is take care of your family.
- You need some, uh, outside interests.
- Mmm.
Broaden yourself.
Get out and try to find a job (Scoffs) so you'll get a grip of what Zack's up against.
Job? How? I mean, my only job experience is teaching debutantes how to do the Texas Deb Well no skills.
Swing by the church tomorrow.
I'll I'll find something for you to do.
This exercise will work.
Okay? Try it.
For me? Whatever you say, pastor Tudor.
God be with you.
And with you.
(Laughs) Ha! (Gasps) Blake just told me the good news.
(Laughs nervously) (Laughs) (Inhales sharply) I hope you are as excited as I am.
Oh, thanks.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'll see you then.
- Hey! I see Cricket already found you.
- Yeah.
I was just welcoming her to the apparel division of Caruth-Reilly.
(Chuckles) Oh, this is gonna be great.
You'll be just down the hall from me just a few feet away, within spittin' distance.
(All chuckle) Yeah.
GCB 1x04 - A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Original air date March 25, 2012 Hi, mama.
Hi.
Are those my old jeans? Yeah.
The mother lode of Westward Ho! and I need 'em.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
I will not allow you out in public looking like yard trash.
I'm not gonna wear 'em.
I'm gonna rip 'em apart.
It's research.
I got a job consulting with Blake on the relaunch of Westward Ho! Hallelujah.
No more Boobylicious.
Oh, I'm not quitting Boobylicious.
I'm just getting a second job.
I love employment.
Bring it on.
Mwah.
- W w wait.
Wait a minute.
- What? I've got Bitsy and Burl and Heather all coming over for a tasting.
Aren't you gonna stay for that? Could use a little moral support.
Why do you need moral support, mama? You and Burl are besties.
Well, yes but Bitsy's just a horse's ass.
(Doorbell rings) Oh.
Denim.
That probably does work good for you.
Why are you here? I mean, hi.
Ripp was insisting that we bury the hatchet - Mm-hmm.
- and he's always right, so I thought I'd bring Chardonnay and a heart full of "love thy neighbor.
" Why can no one remember that I don't drink anymore? Oh, Amanda, Amanda.
I never forget you're an alcoholic.
Chardonnay's my nail girl.
Char! Get in here.
- Enchante.
- Ohh.
I am giving you the gift of pedicure.
After I saw your feet Sunday, I wanted you to be able to wear open-toed shoes with confidence.
(Burl) Howdy, everybody.
- Burl! - Ha ha! Amanda, darling, - you take my breath away.
You surely do.
- Thank you.
- Burl.
- Oh! - Welcome home.
Great to see ya.
- Gigi, you're my favorite.
- Bitsy.
- Gigi.
- Bye! - Bitsy.
- Bye.
- Oh, mwah.
Okay.
Everybody's here.
Come on over here to help me.
(Door opens) Sharon.
Right on time.
Well, punctuality is one of my finer qualities.
Have some monkey bread.
That's mighty nice of you.
I'll be with you in a sec.
I'm in the middle of working on next week's sermon.
(Gasps) Ooh, I'm present at the creation.
Do you have a title? No title yet.
It's about, uh, forbidden fruit.
Oh, I'm good with food.
Um, let me think for a second.
"Reach for forbidden fruit, find yourself in a jam.
" Not bad.
See? I'm very useful at things.
Here, let me sharpen your pencils.
(Whir) (Whir) Thank you.
I like 'em dull.
Heh.
Okay.
There must be something around here I can do.
Oh! That's from that big, old swedish furniture store.
You know, for years, I thought that was an airplane hangar.
It's shelves for my pastoral collection of Christ Childs.
Let me put that together for you.
(Clears throat) Complicated.
(Rustles) (Loud thud) Just gettin' started.
(Chuckles) I'll, uh, leave you to your labors.
(Chuckles) (Door closes) (Grunts) Oh! (Whines) While I was looking at the old styles, I realized what's wrong with the redesign.
It throws out what was great about the jeans in the first place.
Instead of totally changing them, I want to borrow all the best elements from the past.
Pockets from '71, stitching from '73, taper it like the '78s, add a little lycra for stretch, and voila.
Classic jeans for the modern woman.
I see.
Just so I understand you come in here and want us to go back to the way things were all those years ago.
That's your plan? Yes, yes, that is my plan.
I love it.
Get busy.
I'm going to Tae Kwon Do.
Don't wait up.
Mm.
Y she said "yes.
" Mm-hmm.
We're actually doing this.
We are doing it, cowgirl! (Laughs) - All right, let's boogie.
- Aah! - Okay! - Now get production in here, so we can build ten pairs of prototypes off Amanda's mock-ups by tonight.
We're gonna need a look book for the buyers.
- Armadillo Mart's coming here tomorrow at 8:00.
- Okay.
Full fashion spread.
Man.
Setting up a photo shoot and booking all those models last minute that's gonna be tough.
Why? Dallas is full of models.
Yeah, but this job? It's butt-specific.
I got this.
(Beep) Topaz.
It's Amanda.
What are you and the other B-Girls doing tonight? I need some ass.
Now my favorite chef has sent over a selection of his fantastic barbecue from his wonderful restaurant, and everything that's our favorite will go right on the party menu, so dig in there and enjoy it.
Oh, Bitsy, don't you just love the party theme Gigi came up with? "Come as your favorite Texan"? I think it's been done before.
Oh.
This buffalo brisket falls apart perfect.
Just how I like it.
Write that down, Heather.
My antelope is fatty.
- Honey, you know you shouldn't be eating that.
- Ah ah Watching your weight, baby? This quail is a poem.
Dig in.
We don't have many more meat dishes to sample, do we? It's barbecue.
Hey, sugar baby.
You know that spread we bought near Las Colinas? Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking it just might be time to off-load it.
How big a spread? - 500 acres, give or take.
- Mm.
But, uncle Burl, I was hoping that land could be the future home of Ripp and my's "Condos for Christian living.
" What's that? Oh, we're gonna sell condos to christians who live in 'em.
Well, I own the controlling stake and I want to sell.
You can buy me out if you want to.
(Chuckles) Hey, Gigi.
Pass me some of that venison jerky.
(Gigi) - Mm-hmm.
- Not gonna.
Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Oh, dear.
This is gonna stain.
Excuse me.
(Footsteps recede) What am I looking for? Anything financial-like.
Bank statements, forms There's some papers underneath her computer.
Take the computer.
How's that stain going? Heh.
Oh.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) (Clatter) Gone.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm starving.
The only thing they have in that church refrigerator is grape juice and stale bread.
Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.
I'd love to, baby, but you remember what the pastor said.
Separate lives and all.
(Chuckles) So how's your day going? Real good.
I cleaned out the garage, took Mckinney shopping.
How was your day? Well, I made a really good first stab at building a shelf for pastor Tudor, and I feel very confident about trying again tomorrow.
Hmm.
Mckinney.
Paper plates? We have custom-designed pottery from Italy.
Dad's idea.
He's a genius, mom.
Well, since Esperanca Suarez had the week off, there's no dishes to wash.
You know, baby, I think you've been making things a little bit harder than they need to be washing dishes and making food from scratch.
Yeah, you know, we just nuked this in the microwave for ten minutes, and it's just as good as yours.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
It is.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I underestimated you, Zack.
I am going to go fix my French manicure.
(John Rich) platinum spurs and shredded-up blue jeans Can I get a smile? Oh, right.
Smile.
Nice.
That'll do.
Hey, Topaz, you're up next.
Come on.
She hit me like a mack, hit me like a mack That's a great shirt.
Thanks, man.
Hit me like a mack, hit me like a mack hit me like a mack hit me like a mack truck (Chuckles) Hoo! aw, play the fiddle, son! Heh.
You know, I've been looking for a new ranch foreman.
I think that guy's interested.
Hey, Blake, you know you're one of my only friends here in Dallas, right? So you don't have to explain anything to me.
I don't judge.
Hit me like a mack hit me like a mack truck (Cricket) Dirty dancing in public with another woman? It's better than dirty dancing in public with another man.
Still.
Not very appropriate.
You're married to me.
Come on, Cricket.
It was a photo shoot.
Why don't you just cut Amanda some slack? I let you give her a job, didn't I? That's about as slack as I'm gonna get.
You know, I was thinking, um maybe we should hang out with her every now and then, pull her into our circle.
Blake, dearest.
When have you seen me "hang out" with anyone? That whole female bonding thing that is so turn-of-the-century.
Yeah, I I just think I just think it'd be nice to have someone to talk to who understands.
You know, someone we can trust.
Why would we want to trust anyone? Forget it.
Bad idea.
You were right, by the way.
Bringing Amanda into the company was a good idea.
I don't mind having Amanda closer as long as she keeps her distance.
(Kisses) (Sighs) Sorry about earlier.
(Chuckles) You just got to understand Bitsy's been having a tough time lately.
This trip around the world wasn't easy, and I was determined to give away every one of those bibles.
Well, you've always been so generous.
You got the biggest heart anybody ever knew.
(Both chuckle) Yeah, that's another thing that Bitsy's stressed about.
My big heart.
It's got big problems.
So that's why you came back.
And to see you.
And please, don't, uh you know I can handle anything except for a woman's tears.
Oh, what, me? Cry? No, no.
(Whispers) No.
(Normal voice) I've been through too much to cry.
Husband's death, family trauma, democratic administrations.
Don't worry.
I'm with you.
Well, I hope this little favor I'm gonna ask you doesn't open the floodgates.
Aw, you know darn well that you and Bitsy are both my girls, and there isn't anything I want more than for all of us to enjoy the time that I got left.
I think I see where this favor is going, and there is nothing little about it.
Yeah, I'm well aware that my dear wife can be a pill, but, Gigi, you are the finer Christian woman.
That's why I'm asking you to bury the hatchet with Bitsy.
Keep the peace.
For me? Well, I must adore you because the very Lord himself would not ask this of me.
(Ripp) There's got to be something on that computer.
Well, of course there is, Precious.
We know she's got a password.
Could be anything "atheist," "liberal," "Obama.
" Who knows? (Sighs) (Desk rattles) Hello? Where am I supposed to type up my English paper? Type it right there.
I can't concentrate with parents around.
Well, son, you should have thought about that the last time you took the family computer upstairs and ordered all those subversive books.
"Harry Potter" isn't subversive, mama.
Only one man does magic, and he's from Jerusalem, not Hogwarts.
You gotta go back over there and get Amanda's computer.
Now wait a second.
I was prepared to put my better judgment aside and befriend Amanda, but now you're talking about breaking number eight.
We don't steal.
It's not stealing.
It's borrowing, and it's for a higher purpose to bring a thief, Bill Vaughn, to justice.
Think of his innocent victims, everything they lost the secretaries, the teachers, the widows.
Oh.
Well, we may have to sell a plane.
Once again, you've shone a light unto my path.
(Elizabeth Cook) Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman standing up to a test while wearing a party dress sometimes looks can be deceiving when you're quietly overachieving oh, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman oh, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman (Giggles) It takes balls to be a woman (Speaks indistinctly) What's going on? Complication.
The pictures we took last night got leaked to a religious web site.
Now we got a whole lot of righteous indignation.
Why? They aren't that bad.
Well, not by themselves, but when paired with the phrase "Westward Ho!" Come on.
Seriously? They think when we say "ho," we mean "Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, floozy" "Whore.
" This particular photo seems to be the flash point.
Well, anyone attending church last Sunday could certainly pin the tail on that donkey.
As God is my witness, I'll never wear pants to church again.
What seems to have caused Bootygate were posts from a "lordlover87" on some religious watchdog blogs known for targeting brands they deem "non-family-friendly.
" After that, it just took off, spreading like kudzu across faith-based web sites.
I recommend we start with a public apology.
Then of course we're gonna have to scrap the product and eat the $25 million loss.
I'm sorry.
This is my fault.
If I hadn't suggested redoing the design in the first place and taken those photos, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Amanda, you have nothin' to be sorry for.
Your idea was better, and we went with it.
We stick together here at Caruth all of us.
And we are not issuing an apology.
Cricket has my back? In what bizarro parallel universe could that ever happen? She always surprises me.
That's why I love her.
Hey, don't sweat it.
She's gonna figure out a way to fix this.
No, I'm gonna fix it.
I owe it to Cricket.
This whole thing started with a single blogger, this lordlover87, right? Yeah, that's right.
(Beep) Hey.
It's Amanda.
Can I ask you a favor? But you're gonna have to break the law.
Excellent.
You got a pen, Andrew? Write this down.
Lordlover87.
Can you find out who that is? Great.
You make me want to slap my mama.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Mmm.
(Burl) Mighty pretty.
Barbara Bush.
Now that's what I call a woman.
She birthed a dynasty.
(Burl chuckles) It's simply divine.
You've outdone yourself, Gigi.
Yeah, how on earth did you convince the Dallas opera to lend us their designers for the party? Quid pro quo, darling.
I get an afternoon of the costume department's time, "Aida" gets real elephants.
Did you find your favorite Texan yet? I'm just two gold hoops shy of Selena.
I do need another accessory, a little sidekick.
Gigi, you be my Laura Bush.
Oh, come on.
Roll with it, Gigi.
Two Bushes are always better than one.
Ooh, so true.
So true.
(Giggles) Well, I guess since y'all are the guests of the honor, I might be able to dig up a pair of flats.
- Burl.
- Mm.
Go pick out your neckerchief so we can get out of here.
(Car horn honks) Ooh! Who is that tacky enough to honk out there? Oh, yes.
I think part of my costume just arrived.
Gigi, be a love.
Help me feed it.
Feed it? (Door opens and closes) What color shirt you wearing? Purple and black.
In that case, the red paisley's what you want.
And just what is it that you want? Okay.
It's about that land you own near Las Colinas.
I got an all-cash buyer ready to double your best offer.
Sorry.
Already promised my niece first shot.
- Family comes first, right? - Mm.
Such a shame what could happen, though.
Well, you know that Carlene wants to develop the property as an all-Christian condo complex? And you also know that that violates the fair housing act of 1968.
We still stuck with that? And as both seller and Carlene's uncle, I would just hate to see you hit with a class-action civil rights complaint.
All for being Christian.
When will the persecution end? When you let me take care of the whole thing.
What's Dale Evans without her trusty buckskin buttermilk? Yep.
When it comes to theme parties, I go big or I go home.
(Grunts) Ah! Um, I want to show Amanda and the kids, uh, buttermilk.
Are they here? No.
Just us.
You know, I'm actually glad it's you giving the party.
I can tell how much it means to uncle Burl.
(Sniffles) (Sniffles, sighs) Go on back in, you old coot.
I thought I warned you about tears.
Hmm? Well, you just have to forgive me (Sighs) (Voice breaking) but just the thought of you dying has put a little crimp in my day.
No, no, no.
(Sobs) I'm not going anywhere yet.
Ya hear? (Kisses) (Pats leg) (Footsteps approaching) (Bitsy) Ohh.
I just got such a migraine.
Better take her home.
They turn her into the wicked witch.
Could I offer an aspirin or a broom? Oh, Gigi.
Thank you so much for feeding my filly.
I will see y'all tonight.
(Door opens) (Rattling) Landry? Oh.
You're a fast typer.
Oh, you're not typing at all.
Oh, my Heavens.
Oh, my God.
Mom! Ohh! Lord have mercy! (Thud) (Gasping) Aah! Oh! (Pants) Oh.
(Thud) (Sighs) Daddybo's calling.
What does that mean? - Trouble.
- Ugh.
No, I I understand.
Well, if a son wouldn't let this happen, I wish you could have had one.
(Hangs up receiver) Armadillo Mart is pulling its orders.
For the jeans? For everything.
Cricket, is there any No, just just give us a second.
(Sighs) Where you been? I took Amanda's computer back.
I had to, Ripp.
I just had to.
You returned it? Before I had a chance to download the hard drive? Why? Ripp, you don't get it, do you? I am done with this.
We need what's on that computer.
It gains us access to the tiniest details of her financial history, maybe even her conversations with Bill if he's still alive.
Now you agreed to help.
When I walked in on our son greasing his gun, I was being punished.
The Lord was sending me a sign, and on that billboard, it said, "thou shalt not snoop.
" Now God does not want me looking in on just anybody, least of all Amanda Vaughn! Now, kitten I am your husband.
Yes, but there's one man whose orders come before yours, and I'm gonna talk to him right now.
Y Excuse me.
(Stomping) It's not the photos that caused the controversy.
It's the name.
So if we want to save the brand, we have to change what's on the label.
Instead of "Westward Ho!" how about calling it "Westward Hosannah.
" Gospel Mark 11:9.
"Hosanna! Blessed it is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" Maybe now the jeans can appeal to the very same people we offended.
(Laughs) Whoo! Aah! You are bringing it, cowgirl! Yes, you are.
(Both laugh) (Sharon) Zack, shouldn't you be getting ready for the party? Oops.
Sorry, babe.
I was just getting dinner for Mckinney.
Wow.
You are so totally Anna Nicole Smith.
And with a little more flour in your hair and a wheelchair, you'll be so totally J.
Howard Marshall.
Mckinney said that the microwave pizza was giving her zits, and apparently yours doesn't, so I was just trying to do what you do so well.
The secret is the buffalo mozzarella.
It's less oily.
I'm sorry I said the microwave pizza was better than yours.
It's not.
I love you, Sharon.
I love you, too, Zack.
Oh, everything I've been trying to do around here you do it so much better and so effortlessly.
I so underestimated you.
So tomorrow, when this exercise is finally over, can you make your persimmon strudel? And maybe some egg tacos and and your your pecan waffles? Yeah, I could do that.
Oh, it's gonna be so good getting back to normal now that I've finally learned my lesson.
Uh, what lesson is that, exactly, Zack? Saying "thank you" for everything you do.
I don't think that that was the point of the exercise.
Well, you know best.
Gotta go put my wig on.
Why don't you go on ahead to the party? I'm gonna clean up, and I'll meet you there.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Hey.
Bonnie and Clyde robbed one of my granddaddy's banks.
We're young, we're beautiful And we kill people.
How fun is that? (All chuckle) Uh, listen um, now that you're coming here to Dallas, you think you may be staying put, putting down some roots? Maybe this will answer your question (gasps) For giving me a reason to stay.
Thank you.
Hey, Farrah.
Look what Andrew gave me.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
- I know.
- Amanda.
- Hmm? - I have something for you, too.
Uh, you know that blog you wanted me to check out? Lordlover87 posted from an unlisted cell.
Here's the number.
B-T-Dubs, the technology I used to find him? I really don't want to piss off (Whispers) the CIA, so Zip it.
This is so much better than earrings.
I owe you big time.
Excuse me, guys.
(Cell phone rings) Hello? Hello? Dear Lord, I sit at the scene of my crime, a crime that has me at a crossroads.
How can I honor my husband when what he wants me to do is wrong? (Sighs) Oh.
Lord, grant us the knowledge that Ripp desires in a way that upholds your holy word, and forgive me in my time of weakness, and forgive Ripp for letting vengeance cloud his judgment, and forgive Landry for letting lust guide his hand to his little mister.
(Amanda) - Carlene? - Hmm? Oh.
Amanda.
I just I needed a moment of reflection.
The Cockburns are in crisis.
Amanda.
Come.
Come.
(Sighs) It was awful.
My own son in our living room, on our sofa which I now have to burn.
He was being led astray (Clicks) by this.
Oh, my gosh.
That's (Whispers) horrible.
- That's so (Normal voice) so horrible.
- Yeah.
- Let's put that away.
- Okay.
Have you ever had trouble like this with your son Will? Of course you have.
What am I saying? You lived in California.
Everyone's touching themselves.
Have you actually been to California? Last stop to the apocalypse? No, thanks.
Well, to answer your question, if I caught will doing what Landry was doing, I'd wash my eyeballs out (Chuckles) and then I'd hand off the situation to his dad.
It's not really an option for me anymore.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to raise a son without a father.
When they called me to I.
D.
Bill's body, and I saw him lying there, first thing I thought was, "my God.
Will doesn't have a daddy anymore.
" Um Bill's funeral was it open casket? Mm-hmm.
H how did he look? D did he look like himself? Yes.
Why, Carlene? Oh, I'm just curious.
I'm always looking for ways to appear more lifelike.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Vodka rocks.
Darling, for your costume to work, stay close.
People are asking if you came as a librarian.
Laura Bush was a librarian.
Shall we start the toast soon? Um, I need to speak before Burl does.
(Chuckles) I have a large and very surprising announcement to make.
Should I have made this a double? A triple.
We're going back on the yacht, leaving Dallas for good.
You know Burl's not up to a trip like that.
Would you have him die away from his home? No.
Away from you, my dear.
Don't think I don't see how you two look at each other.
It's been going on since we were debutantes.
Little knowing glances, the in-jokes, the kiss on your back porch.
That is not what you think it was.
At least now I know why he really wanted to come back to Dallas.
Obviously, you are number one on his bucket list.
The welcome home is now a bon voyage.
Kitten, I would hate for you to think of me as a villain.
Oh, honey, I don't.
We can't forget that staying on the path is sometimes better than a shortcut.
(Lowered voice) Bill Vaughn is definitely dead.
(Lowered voice) How do you know? Amanda told me.
She I.
D.
'd the body and everything.
Now no matter what we lost to that man, let's just put it behind us.
It's not healthy for our marriage, even though all that fighting makes the making up so much more fun.
You know, I still got that Roy Rogers outfit across the street.
Maybe, uh, later, Dale Evans would like to ride trigger.
(Gasps) Ripp Cockburn! (Laughs) Carlene, darling.
Just who I was hoping to see.
Excuse me, uncle Burl.
Ripp.
(Lowered voice) I got news for you.
(Whispers) Yeah.
I pawned that land of ours off on some Internet fool from Seattle willing to pay twice what it's worth.
But (Sighs) what about my condos for Christian living? Darling, I had my lawyers look into that project.
You'd be breaking 17 federal statutes.
However, we might be able to finagle something across the border in unincorporated Juarez.
(Rick Trevino's "Better in Texas" playing) Thank you, uncle Burl.
Thank you.
(Chuckles) Anything for my favorite niece.
Mwah.
(Chuckles) (Sips) When you flip me around like that (Speaks indistinctly) I left my heart down in Mexico some señorita not so long ago who I thought about Well, congratulations, y'all.
I just heard someone made a big old land purchase right here in our fair city.
That must have been a nice little commission for you.
Actually, I earned a big commission very big.
Oh, nice earrings.
Guess you earned those, too? You know, I love your Dale Evans and the horse you rode in on.
And I love your Selena.
Someone shot her, right? Now I know everything is better here in Texas She seems nice.
Dancing the floor in helotes Who the heck are you? My favorite Texan me.
(Chuckles) I love Laura Bush, but her get-up was depressing me.
(Lowered voice) What would you say if I told you that the whole time Cricket was rallying around my idea, she was secretly behind all the protests at "Westward Ho!"? She wanted to keep me from working with Blake so bad, she was willing to fall on her own corporate sword even worse, disappoint her father.
(Lowered voice) Well, on the one hand, I'd say it's psychotic.
(Exhales deeply) On the other, I'd say it's not the craziest thing a jealous woman ever did.
Mama, can you keep a secret? Blake and Cricket don't have a traditional marriage.
She wouldn't be jealous of another woman.
Trust me.
(Whispers) Oh.
So they do have a white marriage.
I'd always wondered.
(Whispers) What's a white marriage? (Lowered voice) It's when the husband and wife keep their boots on the opposite side of the bed, if you know what I mean.
(Lowered voice) Well, if that's Cricket and Blake's arrangement, why does she care about me? Because their relationship is based on a deep friendship.
From Cricket's point of view, you are threatening to her.
Trust me, I know.
What's going on with you and Bitsy? I thought you two were playing nice.
Well, I tried, until she got the impression that I was moving in on Burl.
(Chokes) She's taking him away from Dallas, you know.
Trying to get him away from my "clutches.
" I thought you said he wasn't well enough to travel.
Mama, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I'm in the same spot as you.
He's not my husband.
You know, sometimes the best thing you can do (Bitsy coughs) is just say a prayer and step away.
Damn.
That Bitsy Lourd is evil.
There's a special place for a woman like that.
(Thud) Oh, honey.
Thank God you're here.
Can you order me a gin and well, what happened to your Anna Nicole costume? Well, that was your idea for my costume, but I had a different one.
So now you're some pink lady? I'm not just "some" pink lady Mary Kay.
The porn star? She's not from Texas.
Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics a strong and independent Texas woman.
I feel like this is one of those times where you're trying to tell me something but you aren't saying it.
I'm gonna say it, Zack, loud and proud.
Oh, Lord.
Remember tonight when you said that you underestimated me? Well, I have underestimated myself.
I conquered building a shelf, which made me realize that there is more that I want to conquer.
So what does that mean? Stand on up and get your own drink.
Oh, and I'm keeping my job at the church.
(Gasps) - Pastor Tudor.
- Oh! Sorry about that, Sharon.
Wouldn't want to ruin that great Mary Kay Ash costume.
Why, you noticed, you king of the wild frontier.
How could I not? My mama earned a pink Escalade.
(Gasps) (Blake and Cricket laugh) Hey, there she is! Just in time for a toast.
To Westward Hosannah! You're gonna keep us bandits flush with cash for a long time.
(Laughs) It will feel like an eternity.
(glasses clink) (Laughs) Actually, I wanted to talk to you both - Mm.
- to thank you for the opportunity.
Unfortunately, I can't stay on.
You what? Whatever do you mean? This just isn't my calling.
Besides, you two work so well together.
I just feel like I'm gettin' in the way.
Thank you again.
I know it's gonna be a huge success.
Don't be blue.
I know you liked working with her, but look on the bright side.
At least you still get to work with your best friend.
(Chuckles) What do you say we pick some ribs clean? Yeah, let's do it.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) (Clatter) Bitsy? Bitsy dear? Oh, dear.
So sorry I'm late.
This is what you're wearing? Slacks? To church? Seriously? I think God just wants us to show up.
I don't think he minds what we wear.
Well, that's fine, unless you mind everybody else thinking you're a lesbian.
I wore pants because I tripped over a keg in the ladies' room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.
What a pretty story.
Let's just go worship, okay? Open-toed shoes? Oh, my God.
No.
We're going in the side door.
No.
No! Amanda! Oh! Check out the caboose on Laura Vaughn's mama.
Landry? Watch the locker-room language, please.
(Swats side) A bun-ular display like that is precisely why a lady never wears pants in church.
Hey, hey.
Don't be so hard on him, kitten.
Well, I won't have both my men being obsessed with Amanda.
I'm not obsessed with Amanda.
I'm obsessed with finding out what's going on with her dead husband.
I know, I know.
Could he still be alive? How can we find out? Be a little more friendly to her, get her to drop her guard so you can get in behind enemy lines.
(Car horn plays "The Yellow Rose of Texas") Who's that dude? That is Carlene's uncle Burl.
He's been gone for two years distributing millions of Bibles to folks in the third world countries.
Oh, he's a missionary? Well, not exactly.
He's been doing it from his yacht, but he's one of the finest, kindest people you'd ever hope to meet.
His wife Bitsy is not.
Gigi, come over here and break my neck.
(Laughs) (Both laugh) You either, Bitsy.
Gigi.
Let me look at you.
So brave.
I'm just dying to see everybody.
Now Bitsy and I were thinking about throwing together some kind of hootenanny at the ranch.
Over my dead body.
I'm throwing your homecoming party.
(Bitsy and Burl laugh) I wouldn't have it any other way.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Any chance I might squeeze in here? I didn't realize I broke a commandment.
"Thou shalt not wear slacks to church.
" Oh, yeah.
Tradition dies hard around here.
You know, I consider myself a strong, very secure, independent woman.
Fierce, even.
Mm-hmm.
So why can a little bit of criticism from my mother still slam me so hard? 'Cause she matters, and deep down, you care.
I gotta go work the booby brunch shift (Chuckles) and find my keys.
Me and my heathen slacks are slipping out of here.
Don't judge me.
Mm.
Hey.
Get back here.
What? Come on.
Girl, ain't nobody drives a pair of pants like you do.
I need your opinion about something.
You remember Westward Ho! Jeans? Yeah, vaguely.
Mama used to wear 'em when I was a kid.
Cricket's daddy's company discontinued the line about 25 years ago, but I've decided to relaunch the brand.
Whatcha think? I used a designer from "Project Runway.
" Truthfully? No, please, lie.
'Cause it's a $25 million investment.
I would like it to fail.
All I can say is that it's harder for a woman to find the right pair of jeans than it is to find the right man.
You know, a girl wants comfort and a cut that accentuates her assets.
They're just too busy, and, like, if that embroidery on the zipper is a tongue, that's just gross.
Well, you need to come work with me, consult.
That's so flattering, but I don't have any fashion design experience or resume.
Yeah, well, guess what? I'm the boss and I don't care.
Blake, that sounds amazing, but Cricket's also the boss, and I'm pretty sure she even blames me for her acne in high school, so (Chuckles) she won't like it.
Well, you know what? I'll handle Cricket.
My office, tomorrow, 9:00.
I want to relocate my company from Seattle, but we're just having trouble finding the right piece of land here.
A 500-acre chunk just came up in Alabama.
I have to go check it out.
Andrew, you can't check out of Texas.
We aim to keep you around.
(Chuckles) You just tell me what you're looking for, and I will deliver it to you on a silver platter.
Sharon, Zack.
How's it going? Pastor Tudor.
I thought our sermon was so on point, about how we have to beware of people who look all nice and cuddly on the outside, but on the inside they're just selfish and awful.
It really hit home.
O okay.
I'm looking forward to your next counseling session tomorrow.
Yeah, me, too.
A lot.
Can't wait.
Ever since you encouraged her last week to "speak in truth," she hasn't shut up, and it seems the truth is I can't do anything right, never have, never will.
Now I have worked my butt off to provide her with everything.
(Singsongy) I am the one that is working her butt off.
With everything.
Oh, well, clearly not enough, 'cause it's big (gasps) Hey, hey! Flag on the play! Get (Mutters) Listen, I don't think counseling can wait till tomorrow.
You two need a reality check.
Separation.
- What? - Separation? An in-house separation.
You're not appreciating what the other's bringing to the marriage.
- Well, I mean, you try feeding - You know how hard I work - this human garbage disposal for 17 - to sell Lamborghinis in this economy? No.
I time-out.
Zack.
You look after Mckinney.
You're in charge of the house, the cooking, and the cleaning.
Well, how do I know what to tell the maid to do? I don't even know her last name.
You're gonna give the maid the week off.
This way, you'll appreciate what Sharon does.
Sharon? Mm-hmm.
All you do is take care of your family.
- You need some, uh, outside interests.
- Mmm.
Broaden yourself.
Get out and try to find a job (Scoffs) so you'll get a grip of what Zack's up against.
Job? How? I mean, my only job experience is teaching debutantes how to do the Texas Deb Well no skills.
Swing by the church tomorrow.
I'll I'll find something for you to do.
This exercise will work.
Okay? Try it.
For me? Whatever you say, pastor Tudor.
God be with you.
And with you.
(Laughs) Ha! (Gasps) Blake just told me the good news.
(Laughs nervously) (Laughs) (Inhales sharply) I hope you are as excited as I am.
Oh, thanks.
I'm looking forward to it.
I'll see you then.
- Hey! I see Cricket already found you.
- Yeah.
I was just welcoming her to the apparel division of Caruth-Reilly.
(Chuckles) Oh, this is gonna be great.
You'll be just down the hall from me just a few feet away, within spittin' distance.
(All chuckle) Yeah.
GCB 1x04 - A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Original air date March 25, 2012 Hi, mama.
Hi.
Are those my old jeans? Yeah.
The mother lode of Westward Ho! and I need 'em.
No.
No.
Absolutely not.
I will not allow you out in public looking like yard trash.
I'm not gonna wear 'em.
I'm gonna rip 'em apart.
It's research.
I got a job consulting with Blake on the relaunch of Westward Ho! Hallelujah.
No more Boobylicious.
Oh, I'm not quitting Boobylicious.
I'm just getting a second job.
I love employment.
Bring it on.
Mwah.
- W w wait.
Wait a minute.
- What? I've got Bitsy and Burl and Heather all coming over for a tasting.
Aren't you gonna stay for that? Could use a little moral support.
Why do you need moral support, mama? You and Burl are besties.
Well, yes but Bitsy's just a horse's ass.
(Doorbell rings) Oh.
Denim.
That probably does work good for you.
Why are you here? I mean, hi.
Ripp was insisting that we bury the hatchet - Mm-hmm.
- and he's always right, so I thought I'd bring Chardonnay and a heart full of "love thy neighbor.
" Why can no one remember that I don't drink anymore? Oh, Amanda, Amanda.
I never forget you're an alcoholic.
Chardonnay's my nail girl.
Char! Get in here.
- Enchante.
- Ohh.
I am giving you the gift of pedicure.
After I saw your feet Sunday, I wanted you to be able to wear open-toed shoes with confidence.
(Burl) Howdy, everybody.
- Burl! - Ha ha! Amanda, darling, - you take my breath away.
You surely do.
- Thank you.
- Burl.
- Oh! - Welcome home.
Great to see ya.
- Gigi, you're my favorite.
- Bitsy.
- Gigi.
- Bye! - Bitsy.
- Bye.
- Oh, mwah.
Okay.
Everybody's here.
Come on over here to help me.
(Door opens) Sharon.
Right on time.
Well, punctuality is one of my finer qualities.
Have some monkey bread.
That's mighty nice of you.
I'll be with you in a sec.
I'm in the middle of working on next week's sermon.
(Gasps) Ooh, I'm present at the creation.
Do you have a title? No title yet.
It's about, uh, forbidden fruit.
Oh, I'm good with food.
Um, let me think for a second.
"Reach for forbidden fruit, find yourself in a jam.
" Not bad.
See? I'm very useful at things.
Here, let me sharpen your pencils.
(Whir) (Whir) Thank you.
I like 'em dull.
Heh.
Okay.
There must be something around here I can do.
Oh! That's from that big, old swedish furniture store.
You know, for years, I thought that was an airplane hangar.
It's shelves for my pastoral collection of Christ Childs.
Let me put that together for you.
(Clears throat) Complicated.
(Rustles) (Loud thud) Just gettin' started.
(Chuckles) I'll, uh, leave you to your labors.
(Chuckles) (Door closes) (Grunts) Oh! (Whines) While I was looking at the old styles, I realized what's wrong with the redesign.
It throws out what was great about the jeans in the first place.
Instead of totally changing them, I want to borrow all the best elements from the past.
Pockets from '71, stitching from '73, taper it like the '78s, add a little lycra for stretch, and voila.
Classic jeans for the modern woman.
I see.
Just so I understand you come in here and want us to go back to the way things were all those years ago.
That's your plan? Yes, yes, that is my plan.
I love it.
Get busy.
I'm going to Tae Kwon Do.
Don't wait up.
Mm.
Y she said "yes.
" Mm-hmm.
We're actually doing this.
We are doing it, cowgirl! (Laughs) - All right, let's boogie.
- Aah! - Okay! - Now get production in here, so we can build ten pairs of prototypes off Amanda's mock-ups by tonight.
We're gonna need a look book for the buyers.
- Armadillo Mart's coming here tomorrow at 8:00.
- Okay.
Full fashion spread.
Man.
Setting up a photo shoot and booking all those models last minute that's gonna be tough.
Why? Dallas is full of models.
Yeah, but this job? It's butt-specific.
I got this.
(Beep) Topaz.
It's Amanda.
What are you and the other B-Girls doing tonight? I need some ass.
Now my favorite chef has sent over a selection of his fantastic barbecue from his wonderful restaurant, and everything that's our favorite will go right on the party menu, so dig in there and enjoy it.
Oh, Bitsy, don't you just love the party theme Gigi came up with? "Come as your favorite Texan"? I think it's been done before.
Oh.
This buffalo brisket falls apart perfect.
Just how I like it.
Write that down, Heather.
My antelope is fatty.
- Honey, you know you shouldn't be eating that.
- Ah ah Watching your weight, baby? This quail is a poem.
Dig in.
We don't have many more meat dishes to sample, do we? It's barbecue.
Hey, sugar baby.
You know that spread we bought near Las Colinas? Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking it just might be time to off-load it.
How big a spread? - 500 acres, give or take.
- Mm.
But, uncle Burl, I was hoping that land could be the future home of Ripp and my's "Condos for Christian living.
" What's that? Oh, we're gonna sell condos to christians who live in 'em.
Well, I own the controlling stake and I want to sell.
You can buy me out if you want to.
(Chuckles) Hey, Gigi.
Pass me some of that venison jerky.
(Gigi) - Mm-hmm.
- Not gonna.
Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Oh, dear.
This is gonna stain.
Excuse me.
(Footsteps recede) What am I looking for? Anything financial-like.
Bank statements, forms There's some papers underneath her computer.
Take the computer.
How's that stain going? Heh.
Oh.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) (Clatter) Gone.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm starving.
The only thing they have in that church refrigerator is grape juice and stale bread.
Mnh-mnh-mnh-mnh.
I'd love to, baby, but you remember what the pastor said.
Separate lives and all.
(Chuckles) So how's your day going? Real good.
I cleaned out the garage, took Mckinney shopping.
How was your day? Well, I made a really good first stab at building a shelf for pastor Tudor, and I feel very confident about trying again tomorrow.
Hmm.
Mckinney.
Paper plates? We have custom-designed pottery from Italy.
Dad's idea.
He's a genius, mom.
Well, since Esperanca Suarez had the week off, there's no dishes to wash.
You know, baby, I think you've been making things a little bit harder than they need to be washing dishes and making food from scratch.
Yeah, you know, we just nuked this in the microwave for ten minutes, and it's just as good as yours.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
It is.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I underestimated you, Zack.
I am going to go fix my French manicure.
(John Rich) platinum spurs and shredded-up blue jeans Can I get a smile? Oh, right.
Smile.
Nice.
That'll do.
Hey, Topaz, you're up next.
Come on.
She hit me like a mack, hit me like a mack That's a great shirt.
Thanks, man.
Hit me like a mack, hit me like a mack hit me like a mack hit me like a mack truck (Chuckles) Hoo! aw, play the fiddle, son! Heh.
You know, I've been looking for a new ranch foreman.
I think that guy's interested.
Hey, Blake, you know you're one of my only friends here in Dallas, right? So you don't have to explain anything to me.
I don't judge.
Hit me like a mack hit me like a mack truck (Cricket) Dirty dancing in public with another woman? It's better than dirty dancing in public with another man.
Still.
Not very appropriate.
You're married to me.
Come on, Cricket.
It was a photo shoot.
Why don't you just cut Amanda some slack? I let you give her a job, didn't I? That's about as slack as I'm gonna get.
You know, I was thinking, um maybe we should hang out with her every now and then, pull her into our circle.
Blake, dearest.
When have you seen me "hang out" with anyone? That whole female bonding thing that is so turn-of-the-century.
Yeah, I I just think I just think it'd be nice to have someone to talk to who understands.
You know, someone we can trust.
Why would we want to trust anyone? Forget it.
Bad idea.
You were right, by the way.
Bringing Amanda into the company was a good idea.
I don't mind having Amanda closer as long as she keeps her distance.
(Kisses) (Sighs) Sorry about earlier.
(Chuckles) You just got to understand Bitsy's been having a tough time lately.
This trip around the world wasn't easy, and I was determined to give away every one of those bibles.
Well, you've always been so generous.
You got the biggest heart anybody ever knew.
(Both chuckle) Yeah, that's another thing that Bitsy's stressed about.
My big heart.
It's got big problems.
So that's why you came back.
And to see you.
And please, don't, uh you know I can handle anything except for a woman's tears.
Oh, what, me? Cry? No, no.
(Whispers) No.
(Normal voice) I've been through too much to cry.
Husband's death, family trauma, democratic administrations.
Don't worry.
I'm with you.
Well, I hope this little favor I'm gonna ask you doesn't open the floodgates.
Aw, you know darn well that you and Bitsy are both my girls, and there isn't anything I want more than for all of us to enjoy the time that I got left.
I think I see where this favor is going, and there is nothing little about it.
Yeah, I'm well aware that my dear wife can be a pill, but, Gigi, you are the finer Christian woman.
That's why I'm asking you to bury the hatchet with Bitsy.
Keep the peace.
For me? Well, I must adore you because the very Lord himself would not ask this of me.
(Ripp) There's got to be something on that computer.
Well, of course there is, Precious.
We know she's got a password.
Could be anything "atheist," "liberal," "Obama.
" Who knows? (Sighs) (Desk rattles) Hello? Where am I supposed to type up my English paper? Type it right there.
I can't concentrate with parents around.
Well, son, you should have thought about that the last time you took the family computer upstairs and ordered all those subversive books.
"Harry Potter" isn't subversive, mama.
Only one man does magic, and he's from Jerusalem, not Hogwarts.
You gotta go back over there and get Amanda's computer.
Now wait a second.
I was prepared to put my better judgment aside and befriend Amanda, but now you're talking about breaking number eight.
We don't steal.
It's not stealing.
It's borrowing, and it's for a higher purpose to bring a thief, Bill Vaughn, to justice.
Think of his innocent victims, everything they lost the secretaries, the teachers, the widows.
Oh.
Well, we may have to sell a plane.
Once again, you've shone a light unto my path.
(Elizabeth Cook) Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman standing up to a test while wearing a party dress sometimes looks can be deceiving when you're quietly overachieving oh, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman oh, sometimes it takes balls to be a woman (Giggles) It takes balls to be a woman (Speaks indistinctly) What's going on? Complication.
The pictures we took last night got leaked to a religious web site.
Now we got a whole lot of righteous indignation.
Why? They aren't that bad.
Well, not by themselves, but when paired with the phrase "Westward Ho!" Come on.
Seriously? They think when we say "ho," we mean "Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, floozy" "Whore.
" This particular photo seems to be the flash point.
Well, anyone attending church last Sunday could certainly pin the tail on that donkey.
As God is my witness, I'll never wear pants to church again.
What seems to have caused Bootygate were posts from a "lordlover87" on some religious watchdog blogs known for targeting brands they deem "non-family-friendly.
" After that, it just took off, spreading like kudzu across faith-based web sites.
I recommend we start with a public apology.
Then of course we're gonna have to scrap the product and eat the $25 million loss.
I'm sorry.
This is my fault.
If I hadn't suggested redoing the design in the first place and taken those photos, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Amanda, you have nothin' to be sorry for.
Your idea was better, and we went with it.
We stick together here at Caruth all of us.
And we are not issuing an apology.
Cricket has my back? In what bizarro parallel universe could that ever happen? She always surprises me.
That's why I love her.
Hey, don't sweat it.
She's gonna figure out a way to fix this.
No, I'm gonna fix it.
I owe it to Cricket.
This whole thing started with a single blogger, this lordlover87, right? Yeah, that's right.
(Beep) Hey.
It's Amanda.
Can I ask you a favor? But you're gonna have to break the law.
Excellent.
You got a pen, Andrew? Write this down.
Lordlover87.
Can you find out who that is? Great.
You make me want to slap my mama.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Mmm.
(Burl) Mighty pretty.
Barbara Bush.
Now that's what I call a woman.
She birthed a dynasty.
(Burl chuckles) It's simply divine.
You've outdone yourself, Gigi.
Yeah, how on earth did you convince the Dallas opera to lend us their designers for the party? Quid pro quo, darling.
I get an afternoon of the costume department's time, "Aida" gets real elephants.
Did you find your favorite Texan yet? I'm just two gold hoops shy of Selena.
I do need another accessory, a little sidekick.
Gigi, you be my Laura Bush.
Oh, come on.
Roll with it, Gigi.
Two Bushes are always better than one.
Ooh, so true.
So true.
(Giggles) Well, I guess since y'all are the guests of the honor, I might be able to dig up a pair of flats.
- Burl.
- Mm.
Go pick out your neckerchief so we can get out of here.
(Car horn honks) Ooh! Who is that tacky enough to honk out there? Oh, yes.
I think part of my costume just arrived.
Gigi, be a love.
Help me feed it.
Feed it? (Door opens and closes) What color shirt you wearing? Purple and black.
In that case, the red paisley's what you want.
And just what is it that you want? Okay.
It's about that land you own near Las Colinas.
I got an all-cash buyer ready to double your best offer.
Sorry.
Already promised my niece first shot.
- Family comes first, right? - Mm.
Such a shame what could happen, though.
Well, you know that Carlene wants to develop the property as an all-Christian condo complex? And you also know that that violates the fair housing act of 1968.
We still stuck with that? And as both seller and Carlene's uncle, I would just hate to see you hit with a class-action civil rights complaint.
All for being Christian.
When will the persecution end? When you let me take care of the whole thing.
What's Dale Evans without her trusty buckskin buttermilk? Yep.
When it comes to theme parties, I go big or I go home.
(Grunts) Ah! Um, I want to show Amanda and the kids, uh, buttermilk.
Are they here? No.
Just us.
You know, I'm actually glad it's you giving the party.
I can tell how much it means to uncle Burl.
(Sniffles) (Sniffles, sighs) Go on back in, you old coot.
I thought I warned you about tears.
Hmm? Well, you just have to forgive me (Sighs) (Voice breaking) but just the thought of you dying has put a little crimp in my day.
No, no, no.
(Sobs) I'm not going anywhere yet.
Ya hear? (Kisses) (Pats leg) (Footsteps approaching) (Bitsy) Ohh.
I just got such a migraine.
Better take her home.
They turn her into the wicked witch.
Could I offer an aspirin or a broom? Oh, Gigi.
Thank you so much for feeding my filly.
I will see y'all tonight.
(Door opens) (Rattling) Landry? Oh.
You're a fast typer.
Oh, you're not typing at all.
Oh, my Heavens.
Oh, my God.
Mom! Ohh! Lord have mercy! (Thud) (Gasping) Aah! Oh! (Pants) Oh.
(Thud) (Sighs) Daddybo's calling.
What does that mean? - Trouble.
- Ugh.
No, I I understand.
Well, if a son wouldn't let this happen, I wish you could have had one.
(Hangs up receiver) Armadillo Mart is pulling its orders.
For the jeans? For everything.
Cricket, is there any No, just just give us a second.
(Sighs) Where you been? I took Amanda's computer back.
I had to, Ripp.
I just had to.
You returned it? Before I had a chance to download the hard drive? Why? Ripp, you don't get it, do you? I am done with this.
We need what's on that computer.
It gains us access to the tiniest details of her financial history, maybe even her conversations with Bill if he's still alive.
Now you agreed to help.
When I walked in on our son greasing his gun, I was being punished.
The Lord was sending me a sign, and on that billboard, it said, "thou shalt not snoop.
" Now God does not want me looking in on just anybody, least of all Amanda Vaughn! Now, kitten I am your husband.
Yes, but there's one man whose orders come before yours, and I'm gonna talk to him right now.
Y Excuse me.
(Stomping) It's not the photos that caused the controversy.
It's the name.
So if we want to save the brand, we have to change what's on the label.
Instead of "Westward Ho!" how about calling it "Westward Hosannah.
" Gospel Mark 11:9.
"Hosanna! Blessed it is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" Maybe now the jeans can appeal to the very same people we offended.
(Laughs) Whoo! Aah! You are bringing it, cowgirl! Yes, you are.
(Both laugh) (Sharon) Zack, shouldn't you be getting ready for the party? Oops.
Sorry, babe.
I was just getting dinner for Mckinney.
Wow.
You are so totally Anna Nicole Smith.
And with a little more flour in your hair and a wheelchair, you'll be so totally J.
Howard Marshall.
Mckinney said that the microwave pizza was giving her zits, and apparently yours doesn't, so I was just trying to do what you do so well.
The secret is the buffalo mozzarella.
It's less oily.
I'm sorry I said the microwave pizza was better than yours.
It's not.
I love you, Sharon.
I love you, too, Zack.
Oh, everything I've been trying to do around here you do it so much better and so effortlessly.
I so underestimated you.
So tomorrow, when this exercise is finally over, can you make your persimmon strudel? And maybe some egg tacos and and your your pecan waffles? Yeah, I could do that.
Oh, it's gonna be so good getting back to normal now that I've finally learned my lesson.
Uh, what lesson is that, exactly, Zack? Saying "thank you" for everything you do.
I don't think that that was the point of the exercise.
Well, you know best.
Gotta go put my wig on.
Why don't you go on ahead to the party? I'm gonna clean up, and I'll meet you there.
Okay.
(Chuckles) Hey.
Bonnie and Clyde robbed one of my granddaddy's banks.
We're young, we're beautiful And we kill people.
How fun is that? (All chuckle) Uh, listen um, now that you're coming here to Dallas, you think you may be staying put, putting down some roots? Maybe this will answer your question (gasps) For giving me a reason to stay.
Thank you.
Hey, Farrah.
Look what Andrew gave me.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
- I know.
- Amanda.
- Hmm? - I have something for you, too.
Uh, you know that blog you wanted me to check out? Lordlover87 posted from an unlisted cell.
Here's the number.
B-T-Dubs, the technology I used to find him? I really don't want to piss off (Whispers) the CIA, so Zip it.
This is so much better than earrings.
I owe you big time.
Excuse me, guys.
(Cell phone rings) Hello? Hello? Dear Lord, I sit at the scene of my crime, a crime that has me at a crossroads.
How can I honor my husband when what he wants me to do is wrong? (Sighs) Oh.
Lord, grant us the knowledge that Ripp desires in a way that upholds your holy word, and forgive me in my time of weakness, and forgive Ripp for letting vengeance cloud his judgment, and forgive Landry for letting lust guide his hand to his little mister.
(Amanda) - Carlene? - Hmm? Oh.
Amanda.
I just I needed a moment of reflection.
The Cockburns are in crisis.
Amanda.
Come.
Come.
(Sighs) It was awful.
My own son in our living room, on our sofa which I now have to burn.
He was being led astray (Clicks) by this.
Oh, my gosh.
That's (Whispers) horrible.
- That's so (Normal voice) so horrible.
- Yeah.
- Let's put that away.
- Okay.
Have you ever had trouble like this with your son Will? Of course you have.
What am I saying? You lived in California.
Everyone's touching themselves.
Have you actually been to California? Last stop to the apocalypse? No, thanks.
Well, to answer your question, if I caught will doing what Landry was doing, I'd wash my eyeballs out (Chuckles) and then I'd hand off the situation to his dad.
It's not really an option for me anymore.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to raise a son without a father.
When they called me to I.
D.
Bill's body, and I saw him lying there, first thing I thought was, "my God.
Will doesn't have a daddy anymore.
" Um Bill's funeral was it open casket? Mm-hmm.
H how did he look? D did he look like himself? Yes.
Why, Carlene? Oh, I'm just curious.
I'm always looking for ways to appear more lifelike.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Vodka rocks.
Darling, for your costume to work, stay close.
People are asking if you came as a librarian.
Laura Bush was a librarian.
Shall we start the toast soon? Um, I need to speak before Burl does.
(Chuckles) I have a large and very surprising announcement to make.
Should I have made this a double? A triple.
We're going back on the yacht, leaving Dallas for good.
You know Burl's not up to a trip like that.
Would you have him die away from his home? No.
Away from you, my dear.
Don't think I don't see how you two look at each other.
It's been going on since we were debutantes.
Little knowing glances, the in-jokes, the kiss on your back porch.
That is not what you think it was.
At least now I know why he really wanted to come back to Dallas.
Obviously, you are number one on his bucket list.
The welcome home is now a bon voyage.
Kitten, I would hate for you to think of me as a villain.
Oh, honey, I don't.
We can't forget that staying on the path is sometimes better than a shortcut.
(Lowered voice) Bill Vaughn is definitely dead.
(Lowered voice) How do you know? Amanda told me.
She I.
D.
'd the body and everything.
Now no matter what we lost to that man, let's just put it behind us.
It's not healthy for our marriage, even though all that fighting makes the making up so much more fun.
You know, I still got that Roy Rogers outfit across the street.
Maybe, uh, later, Dale Evans would like to ride trigger.
(Gasps) Ripp Cockburn! (Laughs) Carlene, darling.
Just who I was hoping to see.
Excuse me, uncle Burl.
Ripp.
(Lowered voice) I got news for you.
(Whispers) Yeah.
I pawned that land of ours off on some Internet fool from Seattle willing to pay twice what it's worth.
But (Sighs) what about my condos for Christian living? Darling, I had my lawyers look into that project.
You'd be breaking 17 federal statutes.
However, we might be able to finagle something across the border in unincorporated Juarez.
(Rick Trevino's "Better in Texas" playing) Thank you, uncle Burl.
Thank you.
(Chuckles) Anything for my favorite niece.
Mwah.
(Chuckles) (Sips) When you flip me around like that (Speaks indistinctly) I left my heart down in Mexico some señorita not so long ago who I thought about Well, congratulations, y'all.
I just heard someone made a big old land purchase right here in our fair city.
That must have been a nice little commission for you.
Actually, I earned a big commission very big.
Oh, nice earrings.
Guess you earned those, too? You know, I love your Dale Evans and the horse you rode in on.
And I love your Selena.
Someone shot her, right? Now I know everything is better here in Texas She seems nice.
Dancing the floor in helotes Who the heck are you? My favorite Texan me.
(Chuckles) I love Laura Bush, but her get-up was depressing me.
(Lowered voice) What would you say if I told you that the whole time Cricket was rallying around my idea, she was secretly behind all the protests at "Westward Ho!"? She wanted to keep me from working with Blake so bad, she was willing to fall on her own corporate sword even worse, disappoint her father.
(Lowered voice) Well, on the one hand, I'd say it's psychotic.
(Exhales deeply) On the other, I'd say it's not the craziest thing a jealous woman ever did.
Mama, can you keep a secret? Blake and Cricket don't have a traditional marriage.
She wouldn't be jealous of another woman.
Trust me.
(Whispers) Oh.
So they do have a white marriage.
I'd always wondered.
(Whispers) What's a white marriage? (Lowered voice) It's when the husband and wife keep their boots on the opposite side of the bed, if you know what I mean.
(Lowered voice) Well, if that's Cricket and Blake's arrangement, why does she care about me? Because their relationship is based on a deep friendship.
From Cricket's point of view, you are threatening to her.
Trust me, I know.
What's going on with you and Bitsy? I thought you two were playing nice.
Well, I tried, until she got the impression that I was moving in on Burl.
(Chokes) She's taking him away from Dallas, you know.
Trying to get him away from my "clutches.
" I thought you said he wasn't well enough to travel.
Mama, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I'm in the same spot as you.
He's not my husband.
You know, sometimes the best thing you can do (Bitsy coughs) is just say a prayer and step away.
Damn.
That Bitsy Lourd is evil.
There's a special place for a woman like that.
(Thud) Oh, honey.
Thank God you're here.
Can you order me a gin and well, what happened to your Anna Nicole costume? Well, that was your idea for my costume, but I had a different one.
So now you're some pink lady? I'm not just "some" pink lady Mary Kay.
The porn star? She's not from Texas.
Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics a strong and independent Texas woman.
I feel like this is one of those times where you're trying to tell me something but you aren't saying it.
I'm gonna say it, Zack, loud and proud.
Oh, Lord.
Remember tonight when you said that you underestimated me? Well, I have underestimated myself.
I conquered building a shelf, which made me realize that there is more that I want to conquer.
So what does that mean? Stand on up and get your own drink.
Oh, and I'm keeping my job at the church.
(Gasps) - Pastor Tudor.
- Oh! Sorry about that, Sharon.
Wouldn't want to ruin that great Mary Kay Ash costume.
Why, you noticed, you king of the wild frontier.
How could I not? My mama earned a pink Escalade.
(Gasps) (Blake and Cricket laugh) Hey, there she is! Just in time for a toast.
To Westward Hosannah! You're gonna keep us bandits flush with cash for a long time.
(Laughs) It will feel like an eternity.
(glasses clink) (Laughs) Actually, I wanted to talk to you both - Mm.
- to thank you for the opportunity.
Unfortunately, I can't stay on.
You what? Whatever do you mean? This just isn't my calling.
Besides, you two work so well together.
I just feel like I'm gettin' in the way.
Thank you again.
I know it's gonna be a huge success.
Don't be blue.
I know you liked working with her, but look on the bright side.
At least you still get to work with your best friend.
(Chuckles) What do you say we pick some ribs clean? Yeah, let's do it.
(Chuckles) (Clears throat) (Clatter) Bitsy? Bitsy dear? Oh, dear.