Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Please, Luke.
Please, please, please.
How many cups have you had this morning? - None.
- Plus? Five, but yours is better.
I got a kissed.
And I shoplifted.
Honestly, Lorelai, it's not your looks that keep them away.
Think about that.
People die, we pay.
People crash cars, we pay.
People lose a foot, we pay.
At least you have your new slogan.
- Did you do something slutty? - I'm not that happy.
People are particularly stupid today.
- Copper boom! - Norman Mailer, I'm pregnant! - Luke can waltz? - Luke can waltz.
I just want you to know I'm in.
I am all in.
It'd be like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan, but at least those guys got to be in France.
I am not going to Harvard.
I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard! I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink.
You jump, I jump, Jack.
Eternal damnation is what I'm risking for my rock and roll.
Oy with the poodles already.
Because I love you, you idiot.
I smell snow.
Hey! That's how you look when you get off a plane? That's how you say hello? You've been stuffed in a tin can for seven hours surrounded by people with consumption, diphtheria, scabies, hummus dip, rabid dogs, drugged up children attacking your chair, stealing your change.
- What airline are you flying? - You should look drawn and blotchy.
You should be singing "I Dreamed a Dream" with a bad haircut while selling yourself to a bunch of French dockworkers.
Instead, you look perfect.
Admit it.
You've been gooped.
I have not been gooped.
You're doing yoga in the aisles in cashmere sweatpants while your comfort dog watches Zoolander 2 on his watch.
I do blood clot prevention foot pumps wearing my Yonah Schimmel Knishery baseball cap while toothpaste dries up a zit on my chin.
Wow! Winded! - Haven't done that for a while.
- Felt good.
- I've missed you, kid.
- Missed you, too.
- How long's it been? - Feels like years.
- Coffee and tacos.
- Princess Charlotte iced tea spoons.
Mmm! All right, shall we get it out of the way? Might as well.
One day? That's all? I'm sorry! You miss Christmas and Thanksgiving and all I get is a one day visit? What am I, chopped liver? I have to be on the red-eye to London tomorrow.
- London again.
- For work.
And the cat's in the cradle And the silver spoon - Oh, now, Emily.
- Oh, wow! Nicely played.
All right, you win.
We have limited time.
Should we skip the town tour? - We can't skip the town tour.
- Well, we'll keep it short.
- Le Chat Club closed due to rats.
- Again? - We got parking meters.
- Where? No one would pay so they took them out.
This town is mob ruled.
Al's Pancake World won best Christmas decorations again.
It's that nativity scene with eggplant Jesus.
- You can't beat it.
- There's a debate about taking the phone booth out.
Where would Superman change when he comes to save our town from Ben Affleck? - I made the same excellent point.
- What's with the signs? Ooh, I saved the best for last.
Taylor has decided that septic systems are beneath us - and he wants to go full-on sewer.
- How can we do that? He's going door to door collecting people's septic tank horror stories.
- Oh, Lord! - Then, he'll compile them, then he and a panel will stage testimonial re-enactments for the county assessor.
Are you telling me this to get me to stay longer? - Is it working? - Kind of.
Hi, Miss Patty! Rory! You look fabulous! She just got off a plane! Oh! That's my work phone.
- It's not ringing.
- Yeah, I know.
- It's not ringing, either.
- I know.
- You've got more burners than Omar Little.
- I got a personal phone, a work phone, and the phone that gets reception in Stars Hollow.
Theoretically.
The fact that the entire town was actually constructed in a giant snow globe probably has an effect on your bar count.
Ha! Hello? Hello? Um Damn! Hello? You're breaking up.
Oh, come on.
Hello? Hold on! Hello? Crap! Hello? Hi, can you hear me now? Can you hear me Yes! Hi! Great! Um, so, how are you? Hello? I'm heading to the trees! I'm I'm heading to the trees.
Okay, I'm at the trees.
Hello? Hello? I'm gonna try Doose's.
You coming? - Nah! I just hit my steps.
- Okay.
Um, hello? Are you still there? Okay, flip phone! Hi! Sorry, it's Rory Gilmore again.
I think Ingrid just Hello? Hello? Hello? Crap! Hello? Hello? Oh, yes! Sure, she can.
Okay, on this number, please.
Thank you.
Rory! Hey! I didn't know you were coming in today.
Oh, it's just a super quick in and out.
- Cabbage.
- What? Oh.
Come again.
Um, so tell me, what is going on with you? - Oh, you don't wanna know.
- Uh-oh.
- Yeah, Zach got a promotion.
- My God! Why? - I don't know.
I think they like him.
- Poor guy.
Yeah, he's a route supervisor now.
Has to wear a tie.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's fairly devastating.
I tell him he looks like a young Leonard Cohen, but he looks like his dad.
Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Hello? Oh, Ingrid.
Finally! It's so good to finally connect.
Lorelai, I'm glad I ran into you.
- Your house is that way, Kirk.
- I did not get lost again.
I wanted you to know that I've started a new business.
It's a ride share business.
I call it Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
Uh-oh.
There's already an Uber, Kirk.
No, not Uber.
Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
Three "O's" instead of a "U.
" - Okay, but it's, uh - Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
- Right.
But it's the - Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
It's a service where people can request a ride and I will pick them up.
- Like Uber.
- Except it's Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
It's the same thing.
- No, it's not.
- Kirk.
People use an app to call a car.
- I have no app.
- Then how do they get a car? They call my mother, she calls me, I find a car and I pick them up.
- So it's a much worse version of Uber.
- And it's pronounced Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
- Stop making that sound.
- All right.
You've got my mom's number.
Now if you'll excuse me - it is past Petal's bedtime.
- Bye, Petal.
When did Kirk get a pig? Babette heard him and Lulu talking about having a baby, so the whole town chipped in.
It bought us a couple of years.
- Very smart.
- Ready? Hold on.
I'm not really home till I get my Stars Hollow Gazette.
Christmas edition.
Manger news, Santa's wishes, eggnog checkpoints, and the Christmas poem.
- Same one every year.
- Every single year.
So good to be home.
What? I smell snow.
Nothing looks so pretty as The winter stars a-glittering Shining on a freshly fallen snow When the blue light of the moon Is giving off a loving winter glow Such a tender feeling when The candlelight a-flickering The ember window calls you home And the fireplace is crackling And giving off a warming winter glow Summer with its nights That last forever has its charm Fall with golden leaves That gather, too Spring is all the brighter After rip storms have blown But winter has a magic of its own - Got it? - Yup.
Are you sure? - Oh, yes.
- Come on.
Let's get in out of the snow! Let's go! Luke's gonna be so excited to see you.
I can't wait to see him.
Hello, Rabbi.
Oh, Paul Anka, what is she making you wear now? No, no.
This one was his idea.
Aw, don't feel bad.
She did the same thing to me.
- Okay, get ready.
- For what? - Super-proud Luke.
- What? Luke! It's a Christmas miracle! - Ah! There she is, the New Yorker writer! - Super-proud! It was just one Talk of the Town piece.
Oh, one Talk of the Town piece? Come on.
It was terrific.
And that woman you wrote about - Naomi Shropshire.
- Yes! I've never heard of her.
- Now I feel like I've met her.
- I appreciate that.
I've never read the New Yorker before, but now, every week.
I'm glad.
I subscribed to it.
Who says print is dead? - Only the world.
- Well, what does the world - You're eating? - Just tacos.
- Tacos are tiny.
- I'm making dinner.
- Wow.
So I'm fat? - What? - Body shaming.
- I am not body shaming.
- Trigger warnings! - Oh, for Christ's sake.
- War on Christmas! - I am making two main courses because you told me to make two main courses.
- What two main courses? - Mac and cheese, parmesan cutlets - With garlic bread? - And tater tots! I am not making tater tots.
- Why not? - We need sustenance! - You're eating tacos! - Tater tots go great with tacos.
Tater tots are great in tacos.
- Yes! - No! - Hey! I mean it! - They're organic.
All right, negotiation's over! Put the tater tots back, finish your tacos, wash your hands, dinner's almost ready! Ah! And I saw you grab those mini donuts.
Put 'em down right now.
I cannot believe the conversations I have in this room.
I thought cooking was supposed to be relaxing.
Oh, no.
Don't put that song on and disappear into Rory's room.
Hey! At least turn it down! - Did my boxes get here? - Behind the rack.
Great! So, you finally did it, huh? Finally gave up the Brooklyn pad? I did.
Lena Dunham will just have to get along without me.
- Are you gonna miss it? - A little.
I'm gonna miss it.
It had that early American tenement shtetl slash Trainspotting vibe that every mother wants for her little girl.
It was a perfectly decent apartment.
I liked how you had to avoid the walls or you'd stick to them.
- One wall.
- See, in some apartments, you don't have to avoid any walls.
It was a great place.
I just was never there.
Do you know how many nights I spent there this year? - Three? Eighteen? - No.
No.
- Forty-six? - No.
Is this The Price is Right? If I'm a little under I win, over, I lose? I don't know exactly how many nights, okay? It was not a lot.
Now the building's going condo.
I'm not ready to buy a condo, so it seemed like the time to say - Bye-bye, Brooklyn.
- Bye-bye, Brooklyn.
This box is open.
- Damn that TSA! - Really? You went through my stuff? I did.
And I must say, I found it very disappointing.
You found my personal items disappointing? I thought there'd be something fun in there, like a treasure map or the prequel to Huckleberry Finn where Huck is a Klan leader and terrified of water.
I think it's kind of exciting, you know? No apartment, no rent, no ties.
I could crash here, I could crash at Lane's.
I feel like this is my time to be rootless and just see where life takes me, and travel wherever there's a story to write.
I just wish I had remembered to label my boxes because now I know where nothing is.
My boots, my coats, my underwear - You don't know where your underwear is? - Could be at Lane's.
You've been without your underwear since you moved? Don't judge.
I'm Gwen freakin' Stefani.
Want to borrow some underwear? I'd like to stop talking about underwear.
I'm looking for my lucky outfit.
Any outfit you wear without underwear will be your lucky outfit.
I have a big meeting with CondÃÂ(Copyright) Nast and I have this look that makes me feel like Diane Sawyer.
Is it a Mike Nichols mask? I'll get it! What's this? Oh! That is a box of New Yorker magazines with your fancy piece in it.
Box one of six.
- You're kidding.
- Super-proud! Hey, that guy's here.
- What guy? - You know uh, Jeffrey.
- Who? Who? - Allen? Billy? There's nothing remotely similar about those names.
- You know.
Him.
Your guy.
- Paul? - Paul.
Yes, Paul.
- Paul's not here.
- Paul's here.
- Who's Paul? Paul, my Paul, my boyfriend? Oh, crap! Paul is here! - Why is Paul here? - I invited him for dinner, and I totally forgot.
Crap, crap, crap! I can't believe you forgot Rory's boyfriend Paul.
You came.
Of course I came.
- For you.
- So beautiful.
- And indigenous to Peru.
Fun fact.
- So fun.
- Hey.
Look who's here.
- Paul! Wow! - So good to see you.
- You, too.
- Thank you for the invite.
- Is your hair different? - Uh, no.
- Lose some weight? - Nope.
- Gain some weight? I'm going to put these in water.
- Come on, Paul.
- Yes, I will follow.
I've never seen that boy before.
- See? - They've been together for months.
- I think it's been a year.
- He's been to the house! I know! He's like a superhero, but his power is that you can't remember him no matter how much time you spend with him.
Kind of like every Marvel movie ever.
- Care for something to drink, Pete? - Paul.
Paul.
I'm Pete is our, uh, dog's friend.
Our dog's name is Paul.
- Last name Anka.
- Weirdly close to my last name.
- Right.
Very close.
- This is all I could find.
- That'll do.
- Okay.
- Red okay - Paul.
- I got it now.
Paul, red, Paul? - Red sounds good.
- Oh, hey, Luke.
- Yeah.
- I brought it.
- You The antique wrench we talked about the last time I was here.
- Remember? - Uh-huh.
We went fishing on your boat.
You told me your dad owned a hardware store.
Now it's a diner.
I told you my grandfather owned a hardware store and I kept all of his tools? I remember the boat.
You said your dad had a wrench that he loved and you wish you'd kept it.
My grandfather also had one that he loved and I did keep it.
I'll go get it.
I just forgot the entire conversation we just had.
Come on, guys.
Thanks for inviting me over, by the way.
I don't get to see a lot of Rory these days.
At least I get to see her for our anniversary, which is great.
Can you believe it's two years? The cotton anniversary.
Okay, I got it.
Here we go.
Here it is.
Look at the, uh, date on the back.
- Oh! And Lorelai - Huh? The virus protection software I told you about.
Want me to pop it on your computer? - Where is it? All right.
- Living room.
It's got the Sadness stickers from Inside Out on it? - You remembered.
- Okay.
- It's nice that he remembered.
- It's nice that somebody remembered.
This is a very nice wrench.
- What the hell did you do here? - What? The DVR is completely full.
I have no idea what any of these things are.
Restless Virgins, Deadly Honeymoon Lifetime Movie Channel classics.
Killer Crush, Mini's First Time.
A rebellious girl hooks up with an escort agency where her stepfather is a client.
Alec Baldwin.
Pre-yoga.
- So, keep? - Keep.
- Okay.
Accidental Obsession.
- Keep.
- Murder in a College Town.
- Keep.
- Crimes of the Mind.
- Keep! Fatal Acquittal, Not With My Daughter, Baby Sellers, Unfinished Betrayal, The Girl He Met Online, The Boy He Met Online, Deadly Vows, Lying Eyes, Lies He Told, My Nanny's Secret.
Did the remote break? Do we only get one channel now? - Where's my pajamas? - In the drawer.
- Ugh.
Felix - Oscar I like my pajamas on the chair, all crinkled up and ready for bed, not suffocating in a drawer.
Your pajamas are not puppies.
You should find my bedtime rituals endearing by now.
What's taking you so long? You know, I still can't get over that piece Rory wrote.
Oh, really? 'Cause you've been so stingy with your praise.
Are those - Puppies! - Right.
- That is one great kid you got.
- Eh, she's all right.
She's freaked out she's gonna hear our rollicking lovemaking.
- What are you doing? - Organizing my magazines by Kardashian.
- You're stalling.
- I'm organizing.
You're not going to have your dream tonight.
My dirty bathroom dream? Yes, I am.
Just come to bed! Five nights in a row.
Five nights in a row! I'm looking for a bathroom and then I find one and it's like the Eastern Promises steam room scene, only the stuff on the walls ain't blood.
- Don't think about it.
- The bathrooms are all giant.
There's stalls and urinals, urinals, urinals It's a dream! Last night, it was the bathroom at the Radio City Music Hall.
- The Rockettes were there.
- Okay.
- They kept slipping.
- I got it.
Let's just sleep standing up like cows.
You come to bed, you can watch one of these ridiculous movies.
- All the way through? - Yes.
You won't turn it off when the suspicious sister, co-worker, or gay best friend investigates the abandoned cabin by the lake where they find proof to expose the killer and they get hit in the head with a hammer? - Nope.
- Rory will think we're rollicking.
Well, no one ever said she was dumb.
The deal for $49 billion or about $95 per Don't touch the handle! boards have approved the deal and now begin the long regulatory process that follows.
All of this four, five, six, seven, eight.
Repeat from the top.
A five, six, seven, eight Shuffle, a three, a five, a seven and a flap.
Flap, flap, ball change, flap, flap, flap, again.
Shuffle! A three! Too loud? - No.
Just loud enough.
- Ball change - What you doing? - Stress tap dancing.
Helps get out my anxieties.
Keeps me calm.
How long have you been tapping your troubles away? About a month.
I needed something to shut my brain off.
I tried meditation.
Tried jogging.
Then I read about this.
Now, when I can't sleep, - I get up and tap! - Cool.
- You know you're terrible.
- Yeah, I know.
Six, seven and shuffle! - Where are you going? - Nowhere.
- Do not get your phone.
- What are you talking about? - Do not film this.
- I'm checking on Paul Anka.
Dance numbers terrify him.
This is my stress relief.
Do not make my stress relief stressful! - Damn it.
Where is it? - I hid it.
You are awful.
You think I don't know you? I have your eyes.
- Fine.
- You want some coffee? - Yes, please.
- You sure I didn't wake you up? Not unless you were dressed like a urinal cake.
You hungry? - 'Cause you said "cake"? - Yes.
Kind of.
- It's so nice to have you home.
- I wish you were sleeping.
- I wish you were sleeping.
- Well, I have a lot on my mind.
- My piece for the Atlantic fell through.
- No! When? - Today.
That was the call that I got.
- Why? They just bumped it for other stuff.
It happens.
Sorry.
It's okay.
I have a lot of irons in the fire.
I'm still getting a lot of good responses from the New Yorker piece so Did I tell you that I attacked Gail Collins? - You did not.
- I was in the lobby of the Times Building, hoping to talk to the metro editor.
Suddenly, Gail Collins walks in.
I had met her once at the 92nd Street Y.
I wasn't expecting to see her and I was jacked up on coffee and I just lunged at her, which she interpreted as a stranger lunging at her.
- So sensitive.
- I felt so stupid.
She was freaking out.
She gave me her wallet.
- Did you keep it? - No.
But, I don't know, she was really nice about it.
She realized who I was and asked the security guards to get off me.
Well, here's the upside.
You definitely made an impression.
It's okay.
I have a lot of irons in the fire.
I heard.
You should become a blacksmith.
What about you? - Mmm what about me? - Are you having the dreams again? I'm just stressed out and kind of feeling my mortality lately.
- What do you mean? - The other day, a guest left a brochure in their room after they checked out.
It was for Anthem of the Seas.
So I'm flipping through, looking at swimming pools and pictures of the buffet.
Everything's planned and they have Wi-Fi and Rock of Ages and you don't have to bring money.
I found myself thinking - No.
- maybe it would be nice to take a cruise! - No! - And then I broke a hip.
- You are not going on a cruise.
- I know.
- Is everything okay with Luke? - Yeah, everything's fine.
I annoy him and he builds cabinets.
Or that's what I think.
He says we need the storage.
Do you think it's because of Grandpa? My sudden need to cruise? - Yeah.
- No.
I don't know.
Maybe.
I miss him.
To absent friends.
To absent friends.
People might say drinking coffee in the middle of the night could hinder your sleep.
People are dumb.
Caesar, let's go! Where's my toast? - Toaster's down.
- What? Oh, wait, it's just unplugged.
Toast coming right up.
Over easy, scrambled soft, whites with cheese.
Coffee? What's the Wi-Fi password? - Dinerluke.
Capital "D," small "L.
" - Pick up! Luke, I need to talk to you about your septic tank testimonial.
I'm not giving you a septic tank testimonial, Taylor.
If you're confused by what I need, I brought some sample testimonials to guide you.
I think you'll find Mimsy Frupp's description of her granddaughter's disastrous day jumping into fall leaves especially edifying.
She thought the tyke was diving into an autumnal paradise.
Instead she found herself submerged - Taylor, order something or get out.
- Fine.
New menu.
I'll need a minute.
Excuse me.
Password? DINERDANES321.
All caps.
- Hey, there she is! Get in here! - What about me? Ah, you get in here, too.
- Should I be nervous? - As a rule, yes.
Okay.
Something I want you to see.
New menus.
Very nice.
- Notice anything? - Oh nope.
Turn it over.
- That's my New Yorker piece.
Wow! - Super-proud! For everyone to read.
- Now what can I get you? - Coffee, please.
- I have a list and I need it all to go.
- You got it.
That's my piece.
Wrapped in plastic.
You knew when Luke moved in with me he'd turn weird.
Thanks for your patronage! Be sure to call my mom and rate me! Five stars is appreciated! First official fare! That elderly woman that I successfully drove here? That is widow Joy Puddleston from 88 Peach Tree Drive.
Right now, thanks to my new business, Widow Puddleston is only ten minutes late for chemo! Are you ordering? Fudgy banana milkshake.
I am flying, man! - This is gonna work.
- Terrific.
- This area over here would be perfect.
- Perfect for what, Kirk? Have you heard about my new business, Luke? Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber? Do not make that sound! I need to find a place where, after people call, they can get picked up.
- This corner would work.
- That's not how Uber works.
Well, this isn't Uber, this is Luke, you need to control your woman.
Oh! Those aren't even your bagels! I'm buying them new ones.
Oh, crap! I forgot about Paul? You're kidding! He was at the house this whole time? - Didn't you notice his car out front? - No, didn't you? There you are.
Hi, Paul.
I'm so sorry, I just It was my fault.
I needed her to come look at something with me.
I forgot to leave you a note.
And it's - I was about to call you.
Are you hungry? - Not really.
- Not really? - I'm not a breakfast person.
As in, you already had breakfast? - No.
- Did you know about this? I'm gonna wash my hands.
Order me a tea? - Tea? No.
- Yes.
- Go on.
- Okay.
- You have got to cut that poor boy loose.
- I keep meaning to and I keep - Forgetting! - So, so sad! Your breakfast list, coffee to go.
Have a good flight.
Come back soon.
- And take a menu.
- Thanks, Luke.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Crap, crap, crap! Ooh! - Hey, got the food.
- Ready to go? Absolutely.
I just don't understand it.
Before we got married, Frederick was more indifferent to children than I am.
- That's not possible.
- Oh, yes.
We could be walking by the well that Timmy fell down and he'd throw a penny in.
- Maybe he kept his feelings to himself.
- For five years? No.
Something happened.
Twenty minutes after "I do," he lost his mind.
Now all he talks about is, "Guess who's pregnant?" or "What school district is it in? You have to live in a good school district.
" And I say, "Why? Isn't that what boarding school is for? So you don't have to live in a good school district?" I don't think that's what boarding school's for.
Well, it's very mystifying.
He keeps shoving children in my arms.
"Hold this.
What do you feel?" "Well, now there's spittle on my Brioni suit so, rage?" - Why does it smell like onions? - The new pop-up crew in the kitchen.
- That's tonight? - Yes, that's tonight.
- I hate this pop-up idea.
- We have an empty dining room and kitchen.
- What do you propose we do? - Put on a show? We live in a town where every restaurant closes at 4:45.
People need to eat.
- What's this new chef guy's name again? - Oh, come on.
I can't remember.
It's like a million syllables long.
Roy Choi.
- The food truck guy.
- He's not a food truck guy.
He's a guy with a food truck.
A fleet of food trucks, three restaurants and a massive online following.
Oh, so he tweets? He's a tweeter? "Hey, kids.
Come grab some rad food at the Dragonfly.
" Do you even know how Twitter works? - Oh, he's cool, right? - Yes, he seems cool.
I hate cool.
Makes me feel so uncool.
I don't need some cool guy tweeting, making me feel uncool in my own inn.
Why on earth aren't you on Xanax? It was invented for you.
What's that "Kogi" tattoo on his arm about? Kogi is the name of his business.
So the tattoo, while not as clever as "Wino Forever," is at least thematically correct.
- We should hire a regular chef.
- We should, shouldn't we? - How long is this pop-up thing? - Two weeks.
- Can it be less? - No.
- I'd like it to be less.
- I don't need a child.
I have you.
Great.
He's gonna set the whole place on fire.
- Oh, hey, Lorelai.
- Hey.
This kitchen's awesome.
Sookie set it up perfectly.
Yes, well, Sookie's a genius.
- What is all this? - You like abalone? - Is this a trick question? - No.
Abalone is delicious.
I'm doing a green pea congee with fried shallots, spring onions, cilantro, chili oil and abalone.
Oh, I meant to ask.
Can I screw with the dining room? Make it less granny? - Uh, no.
- Problem.
No problem.
De-granny the place.
Go nuts.
I hated my grandmother.
Horrible woman.
But we are thrilled that you are here.
And she's not.
All right, come on, you guys.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Abalone! Yay! Will you relax, please? Between you and Frederick, I'm going to have a stroke.
- Where is it? - What? The coffeemaker.
Where is the coffeemaker? - Uh - It was right here yesterday! - It was right here! Roy! - Uh, I Wait Roy! Um, Roy? Where's the coffee machine? I moved it.
I needed counter space.
Eduardo can make you a coffee.
- How? Is Eduardo magic? - He makes a stovetop version - Eh, eh.
- It really is - Eh, eh, eh, eh.
- I can move it back.
I am so sorry, but this isn't gonna to work.
- Michel! - I'm right here.
Oh, sorry.
Uh, Michel, call over to Momo's and see if they can accommodate a crazy cool congee extravaganza.
Thank you.
It's been a pleasure.
Louis here is gonna walk you over to Momo's Tires and get you settled.
- Wait, it's a tire store? - Buh-bye.
Thank you.
What, Michel? At least you were nicer than you were to Anthony Bourdain.
Bourdain parked in Sookie's spot.
Now once again, we have an empty kitchen.
We will find a full-time chef.
- No, we won't.
- Yes, we will.
You think no one can cook like her.
- No one can.
- April Bloomfield? - Too much pork.
- Alice Waters.
- Little flighty.
- David Chang? Al's does the same thing.
Al's Pancake World does not do the same thing as David Chang.
- It has to be right.
- You miss her? Fine.
I don't.
- She abandoned us.
- She did not abandon us.
A six month sabbatical.
That's what she said.
She was going to clear her head, come up with new recipes and then be back.
- Well, that was a year ago.
- What can I say? She found a calling.
- Really.
What's her calling? - Michel.
I'm curious.
Describe what she's doing up in the woods? She's working with Dan Barber at Blue Hill Farm.
Doing? She is helping him develop food-growing techniques and cultivating the evolution of fruits and vegetables, which helps the people who eat them and I don't know.
They're saving the world.
It's on the website.
No, she's squatting in a cabin with no phone service, trying to grow a pineapple out of a coat rack! She's not saving the world.
She just found a way to never shave her legs again.
Ooh! Hi, Gypsy! - I have good news.
- Great! What? Oh, Lorelai.
Damn, I dialed the wrong number.
- I'll call you back.
- Wait! When can I get my car? I'm waiting for a part.
It's coming in a DeLorean from 1983.
- I have to go to Hartford tonight.
- I don't know what to tell you.
Oh, wait, yes I do.
Buy a new car.
- Thanks.
Great.
- I hate this one.
- It's very old.
- I got it.
- But it's fun to kick.
- Bye, Gypsy.
Hi, Mrs.
Gleason? Hey, Kirk? It's freezing back here.
Oh, that's probably because I vented the floor.
- Pardon? - The floor.
I drilled a few holes in the floor.
Was there an explanation with that or Two customers passed out last week.
They were old, so it could've just been old people passing out.
Or carbon monoxide.
I just thought better safe than sorry.
- Would you like some water? - Yes.
That would be nice.
Here, could you - Oh, uh, okay.
- And how about some music? The radio was stolen, but I'm happy to sing any song you request as long as it's by the Carpenters.
- How about something by the Carpenters? - Good choice.
Such a feeling's coming over me There is wonder In most everything I see Not a cloud in the sky Now the sun is in my eye And I won't be surprised If it's a dream Uh, well, thanks, Kirk.
I'm not there yet.
- You know, I think I'm okay.
- It's door-to-door service.
- Well, I won't tell if you don't.
- I still have to charge the same price.
That's fine, Kirk.
- You have arrived! - Bye, Kirk.
Oh, hola! Hello.
Hi.
Um, uh, I'm Lorelai.
Emily's, um No, no, no.
I don't think Rory's here yet.
Um, my, uh, daughter, that's That's her.
Ah! She's not and I'm not gonna be flying solo tonight, - so I'm gonna wait outside.
- Oh! But don't say anything to, uh, Mrs.
Gilmore.
- Oh.
- Okay? Shh.
Shh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Oh Oh, thank God! Hey, you promised you'd be here right at 7:00.
- It's 7:05.
- Apology accepted.
- Why are you out here? It's freezing.
- 'Cause we're a team.
Would Dean Martin go in without Jerry Lewis? No, but Jerry Lewis would go in without Dean.
Am I Jerry Lewis? - I'm ringing the doorbell.
- Why am I Jerry Lewis? I don't need to answer that.
Hmm.
Hi, here's Rory.
Ah! Right.
Rory, there you are.
It is so good to see you.
Hi, Grandma.
It's so good to see you.
How are you? Well, I am a Gilmore.
My goodness, you look absolutely radiant.
Well, she is a Gilmore.
And 32, which helps.
- I think you must be in love.
- Hi, Mom.
Don't track mud in here.
I had the floors waxed.
You and I had a better rapport.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Gilmore.
Oh, good, good.
In here.
I need light bulbs.
This, there.
You see - There and there.
- Ah.
- The bulbs the bulbs are out.
- Hmm.
- No problem.
- Yeah? And now And in here that sconce and then over the picture, the light.
Over here, the picture The the lights over the picture? Yes? Did you get a new handyman, Mom? - Cyrano? - Grandma, did you hire a new handyman? Yes.
That's Alejandro.
He's Berta's husband and he's amazing.
He can fix anything.
I'm usually wary about hiring husbands.
I hired a maid once whose husband was a gardener.
He got angry with her one day and decapitated one of my topiaries.
Hmm.
Was it the one of Spiro Agnew? - Ask her, ask her.
- Uh, Grandma just wondering Who are the kids? - Oh, they're Berta's children, I think.
- You think? They appeared when she did, so I put two and two together.
You have an entire family in your house and you're not sure if they're actually a family? So what, Lorelai? I have a house.
They needed a place to live.
They work for me.
Problem? No.
Yes.
All good.
You're right.
Let's go sit and have martinis.
You can tell me all about this new boy.
Well, he's not new.
We've been going out about two years.
- Really? I must meet him.
- Oh, you did.
Really? I'm sorry.
I'll meet him again.
- Won't matter.
- Come sit.
What? - Uh, Mom? - Yes? - Um - Oh, yes.
Isn't it wonderful? It's It's it's It's The whole wall! I had it painted from one of my favorite pictures of him.
- Do you like it? - Yes.
Sure.
It's so big.
It's a Marco Toretti.
His specialty is large canvases.
Well, he did himself proud.
- And you wanted it that big, right? - Of course I did.
'Cause it's a a real presence.
As was your father.
Olive? And he came and measured the space? - Who? - Mario Andretti? Marco Toretti.
Yes, he did.
Why? - No reason.
- I wanted something dramatic.
And you got it.
- I did.
- Okay.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh, come on, Mom.
Admit it.
- Admit what? - You Spinal Tapped the painting.
- What? - You Spinal Tapped the painting.
You gave them the wrong dimensions and now you are trying to pretend that massive portrait is something you intended.
- It was.
Yes.
- It was? You intended for Dad's eyebrow and my forearm to be the same length? - Yes.
- It's 18-feet tall! It's not 18-feet tall.
- It looks 18 feet-tall.
- Should I get a tape measure? - No.
- I can get a tape measure.
- Do not get a tape measure.
- Alejandro has one.
I don't believe you wanted a portrait of Dad so massive, - it doesn't fit on the wall! - Well, I did.
A portrait so big, Peter Jackson could hang it at the Argonath.
- Yes, he could.
- You don't know what the Argonath is! Doesn't matter.
It's a nice picture of Grandpa.
Mom.
Do it over.
Get what you want.
You have the money.
- This is what I want.
- I swear it can't be.
- Why not? - Because! Look at it.
It's nuts! "Wizard, you shall not pass!" Seriously! Fine! I made a mistake! Are you happy? I gave them the wrong dimensions, and they screwed it up.
I'm a screw-up! I admit it! Just please, don't let this be the only thing you remember to say at my funeral! So Yes? Did I tell you what happened at the funeral after you left? Why, no, you didn't.
Because something did.
So nice of you to come.
You're in Florida now, aren't you? We are.
You should come visit us when things calm down a bit.
I'll do that.
I promise.
- Beautiful service, Emily.
- Thank you.
- I'm all right, Rory.
- Okay.
- I really am all right.
- I know.
Lorelai.
Jason Stiles, as I live and breathe.
You look like the hottest Italian widow I have ever seen.
It's nice that you came.
Your father was a lion.
You know that.
I do.
I'm deeply sorry.
At least it was sudden.
Mom didn't have to watch him fade away.
Have you seen my mother by the way? I've been successfully keeping a living room's worth of space between us.
She's in hostess mode.
At worst, she'll send you home with shrimp.
- To which I'm allergic.
- Thus fulfilling her devious plan.
- You happy? - Right now or Are you happy? Yes.
Umlauts.
Digger.
What you doin'? Oh, there was a screw loose in the heating vent.
I didn't want it to fall out.
Uh-huh.
Did you service the boiler yet? It was just the one screw.
That's it.
Garbage disposal working now? I just saw it like that and I had this with me so - And the rain gutters? - Well You can't leave them clogged like that.
The water gets in the house.
I can't help it.
Funerals make me nervous.
Here.
This is such a big house and things go wrong all the time.
But I could have my husband fix everything.
And we could move in here with you so you would not be so alone and we can take care of everything.
- Everything.
- Sure.
You will like my husband.
He's very tall and quiet.
- Okay? - Sure.
Oh, Señora Gilmore, don't worry.
Fine.
Just take that to the kitchen? - What language is that? - I do not know.
I thought it was Spanish, but I had the gardener tell her to come in early one day and he told me she wasn't speaking Spanish, It took me a while to understand because I need the pool man to translate for the gardener.
- Hey, time to get going, kid.
- Oh, shoot! I have to get to the airport! My goodness, so dramatic.
Please tell your daughter I'm going to be fine.
- The two of you can just run along.
- Oh, no.
I'm gonna have Luke drive her.
- You're staying? - Yeah.
All right.
Grandma You made him very proud.
I will call you when I get to London.
Emily, everything's in good shape here.
- I'm sorry? - Just send her your bill.
Right.
So Thank you, Luke.
Drive safe now.
Okay, love you.
Ditto.
Bye, guys.
So scotch? God, yes.
One of his favorites.
A classic for a classic.
Hear, hear.
Well, I know it's getting late and I know some of you have a very long ride home.
I want to thank you for your friendship and for being here.
Richard loved you all very much.
But before we all go our separate ways, I thought we could go around and everyone could stand up and tell a favorite story about Richard.
What did she just say? I know there are hundreds to choose from.
But too bad, I'm going to limit you to just one.
The best one.
The one that most sums up the Richard Gilmore you know and love.
Let's start here.
Jack? Well, Richard and I go back, um, to Yale.
- We both went there - Excuse me.
Please switch places with me.
- What? - There's a draft.
- We're outside.
- Yeah, don't wanna go next.
So, I decide to sneak a pair of black lacy women's unmentionables into his locker for everyone to see.
And so, one day after polo practice, I'm at the locker and I'm trying to pick the lock so that I can leave the unmentionables there, and suddenly, I look up and I see him standing there across the way at my locker also holding a pair of black lacy knickers.
And he sees me and we look at each other holding these women's underpants.
So finally, Richard says, "Well, we can't possibly both be in black.
" Wonderful.
Franklin? He cheated at cards.
Only with you, Franklin.
One day, I'd just got myself a brand new Jaguar.
Richard said, "Let's play for pinks.
" So I say, "Now, look here, Gilmore.
You keep your hands off my new car.
" And he smiles and says, "Make me.
" And next we have Oh, looks like Martin's asleep.
Lorelai? - What? - You're up.
No.
No, no.
Let's let's We can wake Martin up, huh? Hey, Marty.
Marty.
Babe Paley's in the corner.
- Lorelai.
- Hmm? Just go.
Uh uh The best story best story.
There's so many great No no one else wants to go? Nope? They don't because it's my turn.
So, um, okay I'm ten, and I ask Dad if to play hide and seek, and I went and hid in his steamer trunk, and he left and went to Holland.
I'm sorry.
No, it was Belgium.
Or oh, uh, I'm 15, and we were having our, um, Gilmore Fourth of July party and Dad was dressed as Paul Revere.
And I guess I was supposed to be, um, greeting people or playing the flute with a peg leg, so he came looking for me and he burst into the pool house where I was on the couch with Teddy Wiedemier III, and we had just finished, uh "The British are coming! The British are" Anyhow, you get it.
Dad's livid and he's yelling, "Emily, our daughter's losing her virginity five feet away from the president of J.
P.
Morgan," which was embarrassing and not true, because that ship had sailed a long time ago, like Niña, Pinta, Santa Maria time ago, if you know what I mean.
So Oh, I'm sorry, it was not Belgium.
It was Croatia.
It was wonderful seeing you again.
We should get together next month maybe.
Can we? I'd love to.
All right now, you all drive carefully.
Thank you so much.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I'm sorry.
You took me by surprise.
Not another word.
It was late and there was scotch.
Lorelai, stop talking.
I didn't mean to Don't follow.
Mom Mom Please, come back.
I didn't do it on purpose.
I had a brain freeze.
I panicked.
Mom.
- You two start with the silver.
- I didn't know there'd be a test.
A test? - Yes.
- You didn't know there'd be a test? - Is that what you said to me? - I also said I'm sorry.
- Did you? - Yes.
- Did you? - Yes.
- Did you really? - You're making me doubt it now I asked you for a story.
"Oh, there was a time when Dad bought me a doll.
I loved this doll.
" Something like that.
Get out! Now! - "I remember when he took me to the park.
" - He didn't take me to a park.
- The zoo.
- That either.
The store! The club! Kathmandu! I don't give a damn where he took you.
All I wanted was a fond anecdote from his only daughter and what I got was a rambling diatribe on being abandoned in a steamer trunk.
You have nothing but contempt for this family.
That is not true.
What did we do to fill you with such contempt? Love you? Support you? Love Rory? Support Rory? I'm not filled with contempt.
All my other friends have children who worship them, who call them every day, who take pride in the family name and traditions.
I have pride.
Your father was a great man.
A pillar of the community.
- A man amongst men.
- I know.
And you dishonor him today like this in his own house.
I didn't mean to dishonor him.
What did you mean to do? Break my heart in public? - No fun doing it in private anymore? - Mom.
I know that you are in massive pain.
Believe it or not, I'm in pain, too.
I'm tired and my head is spinning, and I haven't eaten in two days.
- You? Not eaten? Please.
- Yes, me! I'm surprised you didn't have a pizza delivered during "Ave Maria.
" Well, I haven't eaten and I drank my weight in single malt scotch.
I screwed up.
I made a mistake.
That was premeditated.
How could it be premeditated if I didn't know it was coming? You never do anything unless it's what you want to do.
You never have.
You blow through life like a natural disaster, knocking down everything and everyone in your path.
- Did Luke know what he was getting into? - Don't.
Did you ever ask him what he wanted? Where he wanted to live? If he wanted children? I'm sure that didn't matter to Lorelai Gilmore.
Nothing matters to her except what she wants and feels.
God help you if she thinks you've wronged her.
She will hold onto that grudge forever waiting to get back at you.
I made a mistake! A goddamn mistake! You've never let me make a mistake ever.
Not once in my life, which is how we always find ourselves here.
- Where? - Standing in the middle of this room yelling at each other like idiots! How dare you call me an idiot! I just lost my husband! I just lost my father! And you couldn't care less! That's horrible.
You're horrible.
Get out! First the help, then me.
Seems about right.
Go home! Go back to your beloved town with its carnies and misfits.
Tell them how your intolerable mother yelled at you at your father's funeral.
They can all console you and tell you what a witch I am and how perfect you are! Full freakin' circle.
You couldn't have just said he was well-read? - I know.
- "My father.
Boy, did he love books.
" I know, I know.
"And stamps.
Whoo, that stamp collection.
" I was under a lot of pressure.
You weren't there.
And how did you neglect to tell me this? - Oh, I didn't think she was mad anymore.
- You didn't? Well, I assumed she was, because she hadn't answered any of my calls or e-mails for the last four months, but I thought she'd hide it in front of you.
Because that's ever happened.
What could possibly elicit that kind of smile in this house? It smells meaty.
Yes, but what kind of meat? And there's cheese, and layers of - It's crunchy.
- Huh.
No, wait, it's smooshy.
It's crunchy and smooshy.
- What's crunchy and smooshy? - Peanut butter? Or badly mixed cement? So we've got meat, cheese, peanut butter or badly mixed cement.
For God's sake, just eat it.
I'll tell you what, I'll dive in first.
Mom always made me taste her food before she'd eat a bite.
Mmm.
Delicious.
And it could be peanut butter.
- Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
I appreciate you inviting me to dinner.
It was harrowing out there.
Who is this? Kirk, your car broke down at the end of the driveway.
It's lucky for me I'm a very loud crier.
If your maid hadn't heard my sobs, I don't know what would've happened.
- You would've run out of Kleenex.
- It's nice we can joke about it now.
Thanks for letting me stash some boxes here, Grandma.
- Where are you going to live? - I'll get my own place again, eventually.
For now she's Jack Kerouac.
She's On the Road-ing it.
Pass the peyote.
But after you've passed the peyote, what bathroom will you use to throw up in? Well, I have many options.
Paris lets me stay with her in New York.
- Or I can stay with Mom, Lane or you.
- So you're homeless.
I am not homeless.
- But you don't live anyplace.
- Just for now.
You're okay with this vagabond existence she's leading? Like like a groupie? I wish she was a groupie.
I'd get better tickets to stuff.
- Luke! Buddy! - Hey, everybody.
Emily.
- Careful! - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- No, I'll do that.
- Oh, sure.
Thanks for coming.
Yes.
Saved us all a very expensive cab ride.
Are you all leaving now? We all just sat down.
Oh, no, please.
Just eat.
Um, no rush.
I can just, uh - Buh-buh-buh! - Oh This really is delicious.
Oh, thank you.
You don't like it? What? Oh, uh Okay.
Very good.
Isn't it? I could eat here every night.
- Luke? - Hmm, yes? What do you think about Rory's living situation? - Um - Her traipsing around from one couch to another like she's Llewyn Davis.
Oh, it's fine.
Well, I mean you know, she's grown, and she's Uh, did you read her New Yorker piece that she wrote? I put it on the menu.
Why is everyone treating this like it's a normal rite of passage? Rory is a 32-year-old college-educated woman with no permanent address.
That's not normal.
Um, can I be excused? They're playing soccer and they seem to be short a man.
Go.
Hi, I'm Kirk! Over here! Explain to me again who that person is? - Oh, that I could.
- Grandma, don't worry about me.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
I'm busier than I've ever been.
I'm traveling and pursuing a goal.
I don't have to store my stuff here if you're going to worry.
You can leave your things here.
That's not what I meant.
- There's a chair now.
- Oh, sure.
Goal! Call me from London.
- Luke.
- Yes? - That was just my way of saying goodbye.
- Oh, goodbye.
- Good night, Mom.
- Kirk, we're leaving! - Talk tomorrow.
- Yep.
Kirk! Now! - Thank you, Luke.
- Oh, you're welcome, Kirk.
Before I go, we should get our stories straight about what happened.
Your car broke down, I drove to Hartford, and drove you back home.
Or you broke down, I drove to Hartford and picked you up, and drove you back home.
- What? - Much better story.
No.
My business is young, Luke.
There's kinks to work out.
People don't want to know how the sausage gets made.
They just want to eat.
There's no arguing or even responding to that, Kirk.
Great.
Thank you.
Damn it.
Petal, stop right now! I know you hear me! I know you hear me! You get back here! Curb right! Curb right! - Go, Petal! - Don't encourage her.
- What's all this? - What? Dictionary, thesaurus, Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy Aw, you got a letter from April.
I was two hours into deciphering it when I got your call.
"Hello, Pater" - "Father," British or Latin.
- Sure.
She used the word "ontological" three times.
She used it last time.
I looked it up and forgot it.
I was looking it up again when you called.
That's what you get when you spawn an MIT-going genius.
Rory's smart.
She speaks But she grew up with me.
She learned her language skills via The Breakfast Club.
- Hey, how old is this coffee? - Old.
Oh, well.
- Hey, Luke - What are you doing? - Eating sprinkles.
- Wait, but Never mind.
Uh, did I tell you? Michel's husband Frederick wants a baby.
Frederick, the guy who ordered three pancakes on three separate plates? The town ought to buy another pig.
I can't watch this anymore.
Hey, Luke did you ever want a kid? - I have a kid.
- I mean a fresh kid.
What the hell is a fresh kid? A kid that's fresh.
A kid with me.
We never had a serious conversation about it, I don't think.
That moment at the Twickham house, but since then I figured if you wanted another kid you would say something.
I figured if you wanted another kid, you'd say something.
- I brought it up once.
- When? - Five, six years ago.
- I don't remember.
At the little league game.
The kid playing right field walked off mid-inning to use the bathroom.
I turned to you and I said, "That's the kid.
" - "That's the kid"? - Yes.
"That's the kid" is how you say you want to have a kid? In so many words.
No, that is not you saying you want to have a kid.
"That's the kid" is acknowledging the kid about whom you said, - "That's the kid.
" - I thought you knew what I meant.
Impossible, because I don't speak "huh"? Well that's what I thought and you didn't pursue it, so - It was up to me to pursue it? - No.
Sorry, I Well, how do you feel about it now? What? Do you still want a kid? Oh, well, I mean I mean, isn't it, uh, too late? - I don't know.
- Look, forget it.
I have kids.
I have April and I've always considered Rory to be a little bit mine, so Yeah, but she was so much fun to raise.
Don't you want to have that kind of fun? I have fun.
Look at all the chairs I get to put on tables.
You don't wanna toss a ball around with your son? - There's Jess.
- I said toss a ball "with" not "at.
" I'm fine.
- You'll never see your kid's graduation.
- I went to Rory's graduation.
- It's not the same.
- I know it's not the same.
I don't want you to miss out on anything.
Nobody gets to have everything they want in life.
All in all, I think I did pretty good.
Okay, Sandy, see you then.
- Who's Sandy? - Do you have to know everything? I'm your best friend and business partner, so yes.
Sandy is our surrogate.
- You're doing it.
- We're thinking about it.
Exciting! I just hope it works.
A baby would really help everything.
- We want cake! - Coming.
Take it.
Who's gonna help me light the candles? - I will, I will! - Fun, fun, fun! Here you go.
Freshly made.
Thanks.
It's been at least an hour since my last infusion.
So, I have all your paperwork.
I'll make sure everything's in order.
- You can flip through this while you wait.
- Thanks.
Really good coffee.
- Is it? - Yep.
Strong.
A little crunchy.
Good.
Good.
Okay, I will take a look.
- You're supposed to be looking with me.
- Sorry.
So, what are we looking at here? - Potential surrogates.
- Surrogates.
Yes.
And these surrogates will - Carry the baby.
- Our baby.
- Yes.
They'll carry our baby.
- I'm confused.
Am I supposed to be having sex with these women? - What? - I don't wanna have sex with her.
No, you're not having sex with these women.
- What? You'd have sex with her? - No.
- How about her? - No.
She's holding a bat.
You could play softball and do it in the dugout.
I don't want to have sex with her or any of these women.
I don't want to have sex with anyone ever.
- Except me.
- Lorelai, why are we here? I tried to broach the subject of adoption.
I don't want to go to Bangladesh to get a baby.
I don't want to go to Woodbury to get a light bulb.
If you won't adopt, this may be our only option, - and I don't want another picture window.
- What? When we remodeled the house, you wanted a picture window, but it looked weird with the other windows and so you gave it up.
You settled.
I do not remember wanting a picture window.
Well, you did.
Now it's another thing on the list of "things I don't have because I'm with Lorelai.
" - Like peace.
- And a picture window.
I do not want a picture window.
Moron! When I say "a VIP," I mean a VIP.
I got them coffee.
If we were Starbucks, you'd be employee of the month.
Since we're not, you're just the first Smith grad I've fired this week.
Lorelai! So great to see you! I am so sorry for the wait.
- Paris, that's fine.
- Don't stand there shaking.
Just go.
Apologize to your parents.
Tell them you'll pay them back for the semesters you studied Buffy the Vampire Slayer's effect on the feminist agenda.
- Okay, so, hello, Luke.
- Hi.
- You remember me.
- You're hard to forget.
Flattering.
Let's go.
Now, I rarely act as a case personal liaison anymore, but when I heard it was you coming in, I said, "That woman was practically my second mother.
No one else is handling this case.
" Aw, that's very sweet of you, Paris.
So, the spiel.
Dynasty Makers.
We are the largest full-service fertility and surrogacy clinic in the Western Hemisphere.
No other company offers more services, medical and legal, and no company has a higher approval rating.
Did you check Yelp? - No.
- Check Yelp.
- Oh.
- So, you know how this works? Uh, we look through there and pick? Give me that.
Bargain-basement breeders.
I'm not letting any of those bottle-service bimbos carry your baby.
No, for you I pull out the prime meat.
Am I blacking out? How's Rory? She back from London? She was, but she's there now.
- Hard to keep track of our girl, huh? - Yeah.
Okay.
So, it's pretty cut and dry here.
We plant an egg in a viable body, we fertilize it and out comes a baby.
Bing bang boom.
Have you thought about eggs? - Uh - Using eggs over age 44 with IVF, the chances of having a baby is about 1% per try.
- Wow, super fun fact.
- She keep you in stitches, this one? Oh, yeah.
Hey, how much is this gonna cost? A lot.
But, again, Lorelai's the only mother I ever had, except for Nanny Soledad, so there's mondo discounts involved.
How much time did you spend with this girl? - So, Luke.
- Yeah.
How are the boys? - What? What is she doing? - I don't know.
I'm good at visually sussing out the situation down there.
Please stop sussing.
From a cursory glance, you seem symmetrical and well-balanced.
Make sure he sticks with the boxers.
Okay, here's a sampling of what we've got.
Blondes, brunettes and redheads.
Tall, short, athletic, artsy.
We even got 'em with a little extra junk in the trunk, if you secretly like 'em that way, Luke.
I'm sorry.
Am I or am I not having sex with this woman? That's a sick thought.
You're not having sex with her.
She's married.
- You made it sound like - We've got Jews, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, one Wiccan, and for a premium, you can get the cream of the crop, top of the line, army wives.
Sturdy, reliable, great at packing.
Oh, wait, sorry.
I have to take her off the available list.
She just conceived.
Very high-profile client.
Let's just call him Doogie Howser.
You mean Neil Patrick Harris? Wow.
Little louder, please.
Okay, so now his cover's blown, but, yes, it's Neil Patrick Harris.
- What kind of a cover - It's Neil Patrick Harris.
Did you hear? It's Neil Patrick Harris.
- I did hear, yes.
- Neil Patrick Harris.
- You look upset, Luke.
- No.
What makes you think I'm upset? You're not excited about Neil Patrick Harris.
I'm very excited for Neil Patrick Harris if this is what he wants.
Is it not what you want? - I - I understand.
It's a big decision, having kids.
There's rewards, but also constant panic and worry.
Are they healthy? Does everything work? Are they smart? McDonald's fry stations are filled with college-educated moderate achievers.
And then there's the lottery of nature.
I mean, I said to Neil, "Are you prepared to have a really unattractive child that would not look good on camera? Would you be okay if your child was not an actor but an agent?" - I need to leave.
- Luke, wait.
Oh.
Sorry, Paris, I Yes.
Go.
Talk it through.
I'll send you a DVD of my top picks.
I'll also include a copy of Gone Girl.
- NPH was great in that.
- Thanks.
No.
Thank you, Francis.
Oh, sod it, bring the bottle.
We're celebrating.
I love coming here because they hate that I do.
- Really? - They wouldn't let women in until the mid '80s.
It was only supposed to be well-behaved wives with tiny feet, not hellions like myself.
I helped kick open those doors.
- Oh, thank you, love.
- My pleasure, Ms.
Shropshire.
So, to us.
Hellions in arms.
Mmm.
I must tell you, I've had such amazing feedback for the Talk of the Town piece.
Far more than for anything I've ever written.
Oh, I doubt that.
So, the book.
- Yes.
- I go back and forth, back and forth, you know.
I never really wanted to write about myself.
My fields are feminism, environmentalism, and who am I? But if I found someone really like-minded who I could write it with, somebody like yourself Well, that's intriguing.
I've never done anything like this before.
I don't care about that.
I only care that it's honest.
- I want to be seen as I am, warts and all.
- I'm great with warts.
Even if I waver, if I let my vanity in the door, you must remain steadfast.
Francis, what is that? Uh, this is the fluke carpaccio with lime and chilies.
Is it? And who's the genius who ordered this magnificent dish? Uh, Dr.
Reynolds over there.
Hmm Would it be possible for this particular plate to go missing and for you to rush back and get another one for the darling doctor over there? Uh, of course, Naomi.
Oh, it's delicious.
Everything tastes so much better when it's stolen.
Mmm, that is good.
Mmm, so, let's talk time frame.
I think it'll be about eight weeks to work up a proposal for the publishers and supply a sample chapter.
How much access can you give me? Interviews are everything.
Oh, full access, darling.
Follow me everywhere except the loo.
Actually, the loo's fine, too.
- Francis, who's that burger for? - Um, Ms.
Kipney.
Trust me, she won't enjoy it.
Half of it's going to her dog.
So, um, the only thing left to discuss is financial stuff.
The lawyers can do that, right? It's 50-50.
Split down the middle.
We're in this together.
Yes? Yes.
Right.
Now, keep your eyes peeled for dessert.
I can't believe it's only two o'clock.
Two o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel like I've been awake for days.
It's the jet lag.
And the bourbon.
I drank straight bourbon.
I'm now a midday straight bourbon drinker.
I'm gonna have to keep up with Naomi if I'm going to write this book.
She drinks as fast as she talks and she never seems to get tipsy at all.
She seemed to get smarter and more coherent.
Or maybe she just seems smarter and more coherent.
This is great, right? I mean, now I have something concrete to talk about at my CondÃÂ(Copyright) Nast meeting, and she mentioned publishing excerpts in Vanity Fair, which would be amazing.
It's not really what I do, but it's good for now.
And it's money.
Money is nice.
Now I have to hang out with her more to get a handle on the first few chapters so we can bid it out and see who wants it.
That starts in a month, when she gets back from India.
Basically, I had a good day.
How was your day? Well, I had my dry cleaning delivered.
- Oh, I think I win.
- I don't know.
I really like these pants, so - I'm glad it went well.
- It did.
- Tonight, I'll take you out to celebrate.
- I'd like that.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you all I've heard about Naomi Shropshire.
I don't care if she's difficult.
Oh, she's difficult and a little weird.
Well, I like weird.
I was formed by weird.
It could be great, and you deserve that.
I do.
I do deserve that.
Did I tell you she lost her shoes at the club? - You did not.
- I didn't notice until we were leaving.
She was walking as if she had shoes on.
I mention it and she said, "I left them somewhere.
" How do you do that? It's snowing outside.
- See? Weird.
- Weird makes good copy.
- So does a great writer.
- Those pants did put you in a good mood.
Do you have to go back to work? The pants can't be the accomplishment of my day.
Plus, I have competition now.
You're going to be an author.
- It's not like I'm John McPhee.
- Yet.
I'll send the car for you at 8:00.
- I'm gonna use your desktop, okay? - All yours.
- Where are those boxes I sent here? - The maid stuffed them in the closet.
- I need to look for something.
- Your lucky outfit? Do not mock.
I am not mocking.
It's a great outfit.
You were wearing it when I saw you in Hamburg.
Hey, is there anything in here that you don't want me to see? - Like body parts? - That would be on the list, sure.
No, like, uh other girl's things.
- All clear.
- Okay.
Hey I wouldn't do that.
Leave things around for you just to - I wasn't accusing - I know.
I'm just Look, we have an agreement.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
We do.
And when we leave Vegas, we forget about Vegas until we're back in Vegas and then it's just us in Vegas until Throw me a rope, man.
I'll see you at 8:00.
- Your phone.
- What's it say? "Paul dinner.
Don't forget.
" - Oh, crap.
- That's a lot of exclamation points.
- I forgot.
- It was the excitement about my pants.
- Go.
Vegas.
- But Yes.
Vegas.
I've got to break up with this guy.
- Excuse me, your password? - Wafflehousebutterbob.
- Cute.
- Isn't it, though? Okay, I'm here now.
Uh-huh.
You two, park it over there.
No, there is no return policy.
What's she going to return? It's a baby.
I'll call and see if she wants it, but last time it was Brad who put the kibosh on it.
- Hello, Luke.
- Paris, hey.
Could you bring them a salad, no croutons? Don't let them con you into Diet Cokes.
- I wanted to apologize for the other day.
- No need.
I've been in this racket for years and sometimes I'm a little too "let's get down to it.
" - Think I may have scared you a bit.
- Not at all.
Look, you just need to know I'm good.
I'm the Pablo Escobar of the fertility world.
I move the best product, and I would like to help.
- I appreciate that, but - I get it.
You're a small-town boy.
You get your milk from a cow.
Actually, everybody gets their milk from a cow.
So I thought I'd make it a little more homey for you.
Girls, I'd like to you meet Luke Danes.
Jill and Jane are two of my top breeders.
Excuse me? I thought you could all sit and talk.
Ask them questions.
Challenge Jill to an arm wrestle.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Dragonfly Inn.
Michel, put Lorelai on the phone.
- Who is calling? - Michel! Oh, Luke.
How nice to hear your siren call.
Find Lorelai and tell her that there are two arm-wrestling breeders here - and I need her help! - What? Paris? - Rory, hi! - What are you doing here? - Oh, I'm working.
- Here? Wherever there's an old or defective uterus.
- I did not hang up, Michel! - You eating? No, I'm just grabbing coffee.
So jet-lagged.
I'm heading to your place.
Oh, can I crash at your place? - Absolutely, you have the key.
- Find her! I have to run an errand first.
You wanna come with? Sure.
Ladies, I'll be back in a few.
Close the deal.
Excuse me? I don't think the Wi-Fi is working.
Capital "B" on "butter.
" Yeah, I'm still here, Michel.
- Luke! - Not now, Taylor.
Well, then when? I have called, I've left messages, I even slipped notes under your door at night.
Which I turned over to the FBI.
I know for a fact that you have had septic tank issues.
Taylor, do you see people in here trying to eat? I do.
And you know what happens after they eat? - Oh, jeez - It's still not working.
Luke, I love this town.
Do you love this town? - No.
- Excuse me.
Could the capital "B" be on "bob," not "butter"? I think this town is destined for greatness.
All the pieces are there.
It's just a matter of finding that special something - to put it over the top.
- Like a sewer system.
Yes, because when you have a sewer system, then you're part of something bigger than yourself.
- Like the universe, only more hygienic.
- Taylor I'm sorry.
The password is still not working.
Of course the password's not working! It's fake! He has been giving out fake passwords ever since he got Wi-Fi in this damn place! How stupid are you people anyway? He doesn't want to give out his password because he doesn't want you here checking your Facebook, or answering your e-mails, or YouTubing Zoella, or whatever the hell it is you're doing.
This isn't your office.
It's a diner! Go home! Pay for Wi-Fi! I do.
I can't You know what? Never mind.
I was wrong.
You don't deserve perpetually unclogged toilets.
Taylor! Really? Now that I've gotten Hell of a week.
Oh, friends Waving from a passenger train Oh, boy Familiar to me in impossible ways A new day A picture in my hands Of who I used to be - Hey! - Crap! Come back here! Stop it! What is wrong with you? I told you! My town, my corner! But I'm your sister! - No proof of that.
- Ask Mom! Mom lies! You better run, little sister! It was over the minute he wanted to do something creative.
Wow, you and Doyle split.
He's a screenwriter now.
Have you been to the movies lately? - I know.
- Suddenly he's in jeans and wearing faded $200 rock T-shirts with bands on them he's never seen.
He's flying out to "the coast," as if this is not a coast.
He drinks vodka because it has less carbs.
Then he started selling things and I realized, "This is going to stick.
" I am so sorry.
It's fine.
I'll kill him in court.
Sure.
I'll be using that Def Leppard T-shirt to clean my windows.
I've been waiting a half hour! It's freezing! You shouldn't have four-starred me last time.
Don't you maybe wanna try to work it out nicely? You guys have kids and you were a good team at one point.
That was before Brett Ratner gave him the keys to his pool house.
Okay, ladies.
You have arrived.
- Thanks, Kirk.
- You're welcome.
Come again.
- And does Lane have an extension cord? - I'll see.
I know you guys were friends, but if push came to shove, and we had to make T-shirts - Team Paris all the way.
- Thanks.
Can you say he felt you up at a party for the deposition? No.
You're all I've got.
Our nanny looks like Benicio Del Toro.
Oh, you're here.
Remember to call my mom to rate me! Lane, you remember Paris.
- I do.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Um, do you still need your boxes? - Yes, definitely.
Oh, Kirk, come on! - I had Zach pull them out for you.
- You're welcome.
- Thanks, Zach.
- Don't look at me.
I'm not me.
- What are you trying to find? - My lucky outfit.
- Is it, like, a cheerleader uniform? - Yes, exactly like that.
- Is this your house? - Yep.
- Who gets it when you split? - What? - Is he him yet? - No! Rory, are you staying in the spare room? - No, it's all yours, Brian.
- Did you get beer? There should be some in there.
- Uh, can I help? - Um, yeah.
Look through this box.
I'm looking for a red dress, full skirt.
Okay, red dress, full skirt.
Oh, this is nice.
Wear this.
No, it has to be my lucky outfit.
My CondÃÂ(Copyright) Nast meeting is in two days and I have to find that outfit.
- Is he him yet? - No, he's not! I didn't ask for this promotion, okay? Back off.
There's nothing wrong with bringing home the bacon.
Well, it's not in here.
Okay.
I'm me.
Steve! Kwan! Come in here! Help your Aunt Rory find her outfit.
- Who did your work? - What? - Them.
Friedman? - I - Rasouli? Mendelssohn? - I just had them.
Fine.
Don't tell me.
Hey.
To answer your 43,000 frantic voicemails, you do not have anything at the dry cleaners.
- Rats.
- Seriously, it was Kopelson, right? It wasn't natural.
Your husband's junk isn't symmetrical.
Wait, what? It's not here.
Maybe it's at Grandma's.
- How was London? - Great.
- Where'd you stay? - With Didi.
Same as always.
I love that you have a friend named Didi.
Makes you sound so Fridays on ABC.
Have you spoken to Grandma lately? - Why? - It's been quiet regarding the blowup.
- I've been busy.
- You should call her.
- De-ice this situation.
- I will.
- When? - When it feels right.
- You are both being stubborn.
- Well, she started it.
Aren't we supposed to cut her all sorts of slack right now? I mean, she lost her husband.
Did you ever imagine there'd be a Grandma without a Grandpa? - No.
- Check on her.
Fine.
I'll check on her.
Good.
Maybe while you're there, you can find my outfit.
Wow, the student surpasses the master.
- Great.
- What? My CondÃÂ(Copyright) Nast meeting got pushed again.
Aw, sorry, hon.
So you don't need that outfit after all? You're going.
- Oh, man.
- What now? Poor Paul.
- Hey, you have got to - I know, I know.
- All right, let's do this.
- Yes! So, are they serious? One, two! Pretty soon now You know I'm gonna make a comeback And like the birds and the bees In the trees It's a sure-fire smash I'll speak To the masses through the media But if you got anything to say to me You better say it with cash 'Cause I've got the trash And you got the cash Baby, we should get along fine So give me all your money You know I think I'm funny Can't you see me smiling? Can't you see me laugh, I'm the man I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man I'm the man - That gave you the hula hoop - I'm the man I'm the man I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man I'm the man that gave you the yo-yo - I'm the man - I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man - I'm the man - I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man - I'm the man, yeah - I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man - Mom? - Hola, hello.
Mom! Take that box and put it downstairs.
Come back up here and get these presents.
- Mom, are you here? - Lorelai? I didn't know you were coming.
Holy shit! Berta, these boxes need to go outside.
- What? What? What? - They go outside.
Take the boxes.
Oh, good.
- Did you call? - Did I? Because today is a very bad day.
What is going on? Who are all these people? - Well, that's Berta.
- I know Berta.
That's Berta's husband.
No, that's Berta's husband, that's his brother, - and I think those are someone's parents.
- And the kids? I thought they were all hers, but now I'm not sure.
No, this goes.
Mom what Can we get a minute? Fine.
Uh, could you all give us a minute alone? Mom, "alone" looks a lot like gas.
I don't know how else to communicate with them.
Leonard Marlin's daughter works at the UN.
I had her come over.
She doesn't know what language they speak, either.
Mom, what is going on here? - You mean with the house? - Start with the house.
I'm decluttering my life.
- You know Marie Kondo? - No.
- You don't? - No.
- She's Japanese.
- Okay.
- You still don't know her? - She's Japanese? - Yes.
- No.
She wrote a best-selling book on decluttering.
So, I'm decluttering.
I was starting to feel claustrophobic.
I'd wake up in the night feeling like the house is closing in on me.
- Like I couldn't breathe, you know? - Oh, yes, I know.
One of the ladies in my garden club bought this book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
She said it made everything better.
Are you paying attention? - The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up? - You know it? Written by that Japanese woman, Marie Kondo? - Yes.
- No.
Well, people swear by her.
She tells you to take everything you own and put it in piles on the ground.
Then you pick up each possession and you hold it.
If it brings you joy, you keep it, and if it doesn't, out it goes.
No joy.
- He's taking the dining room chairs.
- They don't bring me joy.
This box needs to be taped.
Oh, by the way, if I get a terminal disease, I want to move to Washington State to die.
They let you do that there.
Die? They let you die? With dignity and in your own time frame.
I'll die there and then you need to ship me back here for burial, which costs a fortune, I found out.
So, in the safe there's an envelope labeled "body-shipping cash.
" I could also go to Vermont, but we vacationed there once and it was terrible.
Squirrels.
So, Washington it is.
It's the middle of the day.
Taste it.
See if it brings you joy.
Oh, God.
I haven't sat down in six hours.
Cheers.
So come on, Mom, talk to me.
Why are you wearing jeans? - What? - Because it's terrifying.
I started this process with my closet.
Nothing I owned brought me joy, so I ran out of clothes.
I don't know where I got these.
- They're mine.
- They are? Did you not notice the Billy Squier patch on the butt? - You can have them back.
- I have not been pining for them.
I have to get back to work.
Kitchen's next.
Stop.
You're not gonna have anything left.
That's okay.
What I do have will bring me joy.
Mom nothing is gonna bring you joy right now.
Nothing.
Your husband just died.
When some time passes and you realize you've given away all of your stuff, you're going to track down and kill Marie Kondo.
Then you're gonna go to jail wearing those jeans, and the Winchester Mystery Family will be living here in your ball gowns.
- I don't know how to do this.
- Do what? - Live my life.
- Oh, Mom I don't know what to do or where to go.
I've forgotten which side of the bed to sleep on.
I was married for 50 years.
Half of me is gone.
Ah, you don't understand.
- I understand.
- You can't understand.
You're not married.
- Luke and I are as good as married.
- No, you're roommates.
Someday you'll go off and find another roommate.
I had a real partner for 50 years and now I'm alone.
Are you still going to that grief group? - Oh, God, no.
- Why not? All those women with red noses and Skechers.
- All they do is sit around and complain.
- What an annoying grief group.
When it's my turn, there's no time left to talk about me.
- Right.
- I have problems.
I can't help them.
Well, what about seeing someone one-on-one? - What do you mean? - You know, just you and them.
- Who? - Just a person.
- What kind of person? - A normal person with an office and a prescription pad.
- You mean a psychiatrist.
- That could work, too.
- You want me to go to therapy.
- Till you get back on your feet.
I knew it.
You have been trying to get me to a therapist ever since you saw that Tony Soprano show.
I have not.
He did make it look cool though, right? - No.
- What's the big deal? I'm not crazy.
No.
You're in pain.
This is uncharted territory.
If it might help, what's the harm? - I'll think about it.
- Okay.
But really consider it.
- I will.
- And if you do it, commit.
You know, really go for it.
- I will.
- Jump in with both feet.
Five, six days a week.
Really Woody Allen the hell out of it.
- I got it.
- 'Cause he's totally normal now.
I promise, Lorelai.
I'd better try to get my bedroom set back.
Okay, but first, don't you think you want to What? Oh, God, yes.
Hey, sweet Annie Don't take it so bad You know the summer's coming soon Though the interstate is choking Under salty, dirty sand And it seems the sun Is hiding from the moon The snow is coming down On our New England town And it's been falling all day long Oy! Danesy-boy! So dressing up of the dog extends to outside of the house now, huh? He wanted to go public.
It's a whole new world.
- Uh-huh.
- I can only support with love, not judgment.
- So that's me.
- Yeah.
- And that's - It's his order pad and pencil.
Sure, sure.
And the baseball cap? His head's too big.
None of yours fit.
- Oh, okay.
Let's get a drink.
- Okay.
My man! - Do I want to know what that's - No.
You don't.
Okay.
Oh.
- What? - Uh, nothing.
- What's up? - It's just Paris sending me pictures of potential, you know She's tall.
Want to start a basketball team? Uh, didn't you say we're not doing that? Oh, I e-mailed her that we're tabling it.
- Tabling it? - Back-burnering it? Just tell her no.
- That's what tabling means.
- No.
That means you'll do it eventually.
Are we doing it eventually? - No.
You said no.
- And you said no.
We both said no.
So Don't need a surrogate.
Done.
Let's get that drink.
Okay.
Two big gloggs.
Hey, Kirk.
Taking the day off of Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-bering? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- You know, Ãâ€ÃƒÂÃÂ-ber.
- No.
- Kirk, Ãâ€ÃƒÂàStop making that noise.
If anyone from the Uber corporation or their handsome attorneys contacts you, please tell them it was my brother and not me, who recklessly violated trademark laws and perpetrated fraud.
Dirk has always been a disappointment to the family.
Your gloggs.
- Kirk - Next! Okay.
Your car is done.
I do not guarantee it will make it home, or even out of the gas station.
I bet it will.
Come get it now.
It's idling.
I'm afraid to turn it off.
Okay, we'll be right there.
Love you.
Buy a new car.
- Where's Paul Anka? - He's chasing ice skaters.
Oh, boy.
Hi, Mom.
- You answered.
You never answer.
- I did.
- Sure I do.
- Are you drunk? Mom, what can I help you with? I just wanted you to know that I took your advice.
- Are you drunk? - I found a therapist.
- You're kidding.
- Linda in my garden club is bipolar, so I asked if she had someone she could recommend.
- Good thinking.
- She's a lovely woman.
- Linda? - No.
The therapist.
Linda's a nightmare.
She cries if the tea is cold.
But the therapist is wonderful.
Very tasteful office.
She burns a candle that smells so delicious, I bought one to have at home.
Sounds great.
- I could get one for you.
- Sure.
I go there once a week and we just talk.
Talk about anything.
- Or nothing if there's nothing on my mind.
- Sounds great, Mom.
She told me to get rid of the Marie Kondo book.
I like her already.
Hey, I did something right.
Law of averages.
I bought a notebook so I can write down things I want to discuss with her.
- That way I won't forget.
- Very sensible.
I told her it was your idea that I come see her.
You did? I did.
Thank you, Lorelai.
Thank you for suggesting it.
I think it's exactly what I needed.
Wow, I'm so glad, Mom.
Really.
- I'd love for you to meet her sometime.
- Sure.
Maybe next time I go, you could come by.
Oh, Mom, I would love to meet your therapist.
Really? Great.
I go on Tuesday at 3:00.
Tuesday's probably fine.
Wonderful! Oh, you're going to love her.
I'll text you the address? Text away.
- See you then.
- See you then, Mom.
Bye.
- What sort of attack are you having? - Are you crazy? - Why? - You're going to therapy with your mother! - No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
She wants me to meet her.
- What do you think that means? - Luke, look.
My mother took my advice.
Do you understand what I'm saying? The advice that I gave her, she took it.
That's never happened before.
Ever.
She's feeling good about it and just wanted me to meet her Oh, crap! I'm going to therapy with my mother! - Oh, boy.
- Come on.