Glee Episode Scripts

1ARC01 - Showmance

- Mr.
Schuester! - Yeah? I went to the library and I got some sheet music and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.
Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out.
- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks, Finn.
You're so chivalrous.
- Thanks.
That's a good thing, right? - Morning, guys.
- Hey, Mr.
Schue.
We're just learning some runs.
- Oh, yeah? So it goes # - With the finger, huh? - Pretty fly for a white guy.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Morning, Kurt.
- Buenos nachos, Mr.
Schue.
Hey! Let's go Titans.
Yeah.
Come on.
Wait.
One day you will all work for me.
Diana, thank you so much for that apple.
It was very, very nice of you.
All right? - Oh! - Oh, Will! Oh, gosh.
- Hey, Emma.
- Hi.
Hey.
I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day.
I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club It's where I belong.
Oh, it's no problem.
I mean, it's what I do.
I give counsel and give guidance.
- I'm a guidance counselor.
- Yeah, you are.
- Oh, look.
We match.
Periwinkle.
- Yeah.
Get a room.
Miss Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr.
Schue.
- She doesn't like to be kept waiting.
- You got it.
- Hey, Sue.
You want to see me? - Hey, buddy.
Come on in.
I just blasted my hammies.
Oh.
- Iron tablet? - Uh Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.
- I don't menstruate.
- Yeah? Neither do I.
So, I had a little chat with Principal Figgins and he said that if your group doesn't place at regionals he's cutting the program.
Ouch.
You don't have to worry about Glee Club.
We're gonna be fine.
Really? 'Cause I was at the local library, where I read Cheerleading Today aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner.
Show Choir Rule Book.
And turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals.
Last time I looked, you only had five and a half.
Here.
Cripple in the wheelchair.
I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you.
Maybe you could find some recruits.
'Cause I'm not sure there's anybody else who's gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys.
- Are you threatening me, Sue? - Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no.
Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha.
Let's break it down.
You want to be creative.
You want to be in the spotlight.
Face it.
You want to be me.
So here's the deal.
You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother.
Euthanize it.
It's time.
And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios.
You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates.
It'll be very rewarding work for you.
You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer.
Glee Club is here to stay.
I believe in my kids.
I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here.
Offensive.
But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition.
We're gonna show at regionals.
You have my word on that.
Have a good day.
We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school - over the next couple years.
- Yeah.
I know.
Prom king and queen.
Homecoming court royalty.
I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself.
Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.
Okay.
Let's compromise.
If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.
- Under the shirt? - Over the bra.
No, no.
I can't.
I want to do Glee.
I'm really happy when I'm performing.
People think you're gay now, Finn.
And you know what that makes me? - Your big gay beard.
- Look.
L-I gotta go to class.
Okay? Just relax.
Everything's gonna work out.
Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands.
You can dance with him.
You can sing with him.
But you will never have him.
I understand why you'd be threatened.
Finn and I have made a connection.
But I'm an honorable person.
I don't need to steal your man.
I have plenty of suitors of my own.
Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down.
Deal with it.
- Awesome.
- Holla! #Ah, freak out # # Le freak, c'est chic # - # Freak out # - Energy, guys! It's disco.
# Le freak, c'est chic Ah, freak out # - Good with the hands.
John Travolta hands.
All right.
- # Le freak, c'est chic # - We're freaking out.
Let's go.
- # Freak out # # Le freak, c'est chic # - And up and out and down.
Good.
- # Have you heard # - Good.
Good.
Good, guys.
- #A bout the new dance craze # # Listen to us I'm sure you'll be amazed # - # Big fun # - Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you! And, also, this song is terrible.
No, no, no.
It's not the song.
You guys just need to get into it.
- No, it's the song.
It's really gay.
- We need modern music, Mr.
Schue.
I'm sorry, guys.
We don't have time to discuss this.
- We're doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly.
- In front of the whole school? Exactly.
They're gonna throw fruit at us.
And I just had a facial.
- I'll press charges if that happens.
- Guys.
I can't express to you how important this assembly is.
We need recruits.
There are six of you.
We need 12 to qualify for regionals.
We have no choice, or the club is over.
I know you guys don't like this song but we took nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out.
" It's a crowd-pleaser.
Trust me.
From the top.
I'm dead.
My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house.
I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.
Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
I have a question about the trees.
It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree.
How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously we're expecting a family.
I have a real sense it might be a girl.
Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this.
It all happened so fast.
It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.
Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery.
- I know.
- Well, we have a second bedroom.
You are not giving up your craft room, Terri.
A mother needs her respite.
That craft room is the only thing that's gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel.
Postpartum runs in our family.
Where are you going? Bathroom.
All that bran.
No, you can't.
Kyle needs his inhaler.
Anyway, this conversation is over.
They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.
- - You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment.
When pigs fly.
Can I eat this? This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.
It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street.
Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.
I'm not raising my baby in a used house.
They're not clean.
Look at the sun nook.
Isn't it beautiful? - Is it extra? - Mmm.
The price in the brochure is for the basic model.
Everything else is à la carte.
The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.
I'll let you two talk.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Hmm.
We can't afford this.
We already did the math, Will.
All we have to do is give up Applebee's and we won't run the A.
C.
For the first couple of summers.
Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer and the sun nook.
I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we'll lose everything.
You need to pick one.
Come with me.
I'm gonna show you something really special.
This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.
I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.
I love it, Terri, but we still can't afford everything.
It's my very own Sophie's choice.
Fine.
I'm gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer.
But I really need the polished door handles.
Think of our family, Will.
This is our dream.
I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took even if it meant getting a part-timejob to make some extra money to make that dream come true.
Let's go sign those papers.
Yes! - You need to call me before you dress yourself.
- Whatever.
Whatever.
- You look like a Technicolor zebra.
- You're a hater.
That's what you are.
- I look like I'm a part of it.
- You're trying to copy me.
- It looks like I planned it.
- If your hair was longer, you'd have curls.
All right, guys.
How about a little Kanye? Sweet! - For the assembly? - No.
We won't be ready in time.
We're still doing disco.
But we can fold this into our repertoire and it'll be awesome at regionals.
Communication is the foundation of any successful music group.
If we're gonna succeed, we need to communicate.
You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.
Mr.
Schue, we'd really like to not do disco at that assembly.
- Finn, you're gonna take the solo.
- What? No, I can't do the solo, Mr.
Schue.
I'm still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.
No problem.
I'll walk you through it.
- Ooh! - Challenge.
- Hey, Mercedes, you know this? - Oh, I got this.
#She take my money # #When I'm in need # #Yeah, she's a triflin' # # Friend indeed # #Oh, she's a gold digger # #W ay over town # #T hat digs on me # - # She give me money # - # Now, I ain't sayin'she a gold digger# - # When I'm in need # - # But she ain't messin'with no broke, broke # - #She give me money # - #Now, I ain't sayin'she a gold digger# - #When I'm in need # - #But she ain't messin'with no broke, broke # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead # - #She give me money # - #Cutie the bomb met her at a beauty salon # - #When I'm in need # - #W ith a baby Louis Vuitton under her underarm # - #She give me money # - #I can tell you rock, I can tell by ya charm # - #When I'm in need # - #Far as girls, you got a flock, I can tell by your charm and your arm # - #But I'm lookin'for the one Have you seen her# - # No, we ain't seen her # - #She give me money # - #Now, I ain't sayin'she a gold digger# - #W hen I'm in need # - #But she ain't messin'with no broke, broke # - #She give me money # - #Now, I ain't sayin'she a gold digger, uh # - #W hen I'm in need # - #But she ain't messin'with no broke, broke # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead, get down # - # I gotta leave # - #Get down, girl, go ahead # - #She give me money # - #Eighteen years, 18 years # - #W hen I'm in need # - #She got one of your kids Got you for 18 years # - #She give me money # - #I know somebody payin'child support for one ofhis kids # - #W hen I'm in need # - #His baby mama car crib is bigger than his # #You will see him on TV any given Sunday # - #I gotta leave # - #W in a Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai # - #I gotta leave # #She was supposed to buy your shorty Tyco with your money # - # I gotta leave # - #She went to the doctor Got lipo with your money # #She walkin'round looking like Michael with your money # - #Should have got that insured GEICO for your money # - #She give me money # #If you ain't no punk, holla We want prenup # #We want prenup # Yeah! All right, just like that.
Ready? - Rachel, did you just throw up? - No.
You missed the toilet.
The girl who was throwing up before me left that.
I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.
Let's have a little chat, okay? Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.
I don't have bulimia.
I tried it and failed and won't ever attempt it again.
- Okay.
- Grossed me out.
Okay.
But I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.
I want to be thinner.
- Prettier, like that Quinn girl.
- Mm-hmm.
And, um, why is that? Have you ever liked somebody so much you just wanna Iock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry? No.
#All by my # - #Self# - By myself! I'm by myself! # Don't wanna be # Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that.
I mean, not now.
It takes me back in the Like a long time ago, I knew about that.
You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart.
I don't care who he is.
If he doesn't like you for the way you are If he's you know, he's married with a baby on the way That's not worth the heartache.
You don't want to compromise yourself for that.
Um Have you just tried telling him how you feel? He doesn't even notice me.
I see.
Um Okay.
Well, here's what I think.
Common interests are the key to romance.
All right? So find out what he likes.
Then he'll see you in a positive way and maybe you'll end up doing something that you never would have expected.
Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr.
Schuester what I caught you two doing? It just sort of happened.
I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.
You watch your tone, young lady.
Gay parents encourage rebellion.
There are studies on this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.
Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenged friends.
I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.
Yeah, pretty much what she said.
You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields.
LikeJustin Timberlake He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line.
And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.
- Who's Justin Timberlake? - It was a twofold plan.
We figured that with the right marketing strategy we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.
That copy machine is for Cheerios use only.
Paid for by alumni donations.
I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.
- Hold on a second, Sue.
- I resent being told to hold on to anything, William.
I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender.
There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students.
It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.
- How many copies did you guys make? - Seventeen.
- Okay.
And how much does a photocopy cost? - Four and a half cents.
- How about they just pay for the copies? - I like this compromise.
Children, pay Ms.
Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning.
And, Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor.
That's why we have janitors.
Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made.
I've laid off half the janitorial staff.
We all need to lend a hand.
LadyJustice wept today.
- I'm sorry about that, Mr.
Schue.
- I'd like to get the flyers up - before lunch tomorrow.
- You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.
Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has.
- It's a terrible idea.
- I have news for you, Rachel.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.
We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those flyers.
Everybody loves disco! It's official.
I'm a dead man.
Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.
- Stop it.
- I mean, maybe it'll all be okay.
Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school? I can't.
I got a Celibacy Club meeting.
Baby, I have some bad news.
A wealthy relative died? - I don't have any wealthy relatives.
- Oh.
I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal.
L-I can't find any extra work.
That probably means no grand foyer.
Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break? No, no, no.
It's going to be okay, baby.
- I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy.
- No.
You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising.
I want my grand foyer.
I want my dream house.
I work hard.
I sacrifice.
I deserve it.
You know, we give and we give.
Do you think that the big shots at Sheets 'N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No.
Or do you think that those kids that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back? I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.
Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds.
I've been here till 10:00 p.
m.
Every night, up to my elbows in Vamoose! Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots? I'll work at half salary.
The Celibacy Club is now in session.
Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club we're welcoming a new member this week Rachel What's-her-name.
- Where are all the boys? - Down the hall.
First half hour we separate then we come together to share our faith.
I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club.
I mean, I onlyjoined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants.
Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.
I think I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm serious.
We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day Beer ads, those short skirts.
I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation - Not be able to do anything about it? - Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast.
Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day and I swear I could see her ovaries.
God bless the perv that invented these.
Remember the power motto, girls.
It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing.
- Oh! - Back it up like a dump truck, baby! So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway? We grind, make out.
But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind Cinco de Mayo.
It's not a problem for me, man.
Actually, it's a big problem.
Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early you should think of dead kittens and stuff.
But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.
Pretty good, honey.
Who says a father figure's necessary, huh? - Driving's fun.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him.
What are you gonna do? Let's pair up for the "Immaculate Affection.
" Now, remember, if the balloon pops the noise makes the angels cry.
- You enchant me.
- Yeah.
- Just stop it! - Take it.
Ah, yeah! - Finn! - It must have hit my zipper.
You know what? This is a joke.
Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain.
The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out.
The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared.
That's what contraception is for.
Don't you dare mention the "C" word.
You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.
L-Is that accurate? - Will? - Aaah! Emma What are you doing here so late? I do S.
A.
T.
Prep on Tuesday nights.
Are you, um Are you a janitor? Aja no.
Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says "Will.
" Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and I'm really embarrassed.
Would you mind keeping this between us? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.
Thank you.
Do you, um Do you want a hand? Oh No.
L-I'm good, really.
Really? Because I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor.
And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E.
Coli because I know for a fact Ms.
Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos.
I really admire you working so hard for something you want.
Let's make a deal.
You're helping me with my problem.
How about I take a stab at one of yours? Oh, no, I don't I don't have a problem.
You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.
Well, I mean, I have I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a problem.
Okay.
When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.
- Really? - Yeah.
And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yogurt tasting my my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.
- What? - And, um, ever since then, I've just I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh the smell.
Have you thought about I don't know maybe seeing someone about that? Oh, no.
It's completely manageable.
You know, I just I take lots of showers and I, um You know, I don't eat dairy.
So it's I want to try - a little experiment.
- Oh, no.
No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with with that There.
Ten seconds.
New record.
It's late.
I should, um I should be, um, going.
I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.
- But Mr.
Schuester isn't here.
- Mr.
Schuester isn't coming.
I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.
Ugh! I'm so sick ofhearing you squawk, Eva Perón.
Let her talk.
I have another idea for the assembly.
Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide? They're not gonna kill us Because we're gonna give them what they want.
- Blood? - Better.
Sex.
Silence, children.
Silence.
First, an announcement.
The toilets are broken again.
We are fixing the problem.
But let me warn you there will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds.
We're not going to have a repeat oflast time.
We have a treat for you guys today.
- Mr.
Schuester.
- Yea, Glee! - Glee kids, hooray! - Uh, hi.
Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place.
And we're on our way back.
But we need some recruits tojoin the party.
Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead.
#Get up on this # #Get up on this # #Baby, baby B- Baby, baby # #Ooh, baby, baby # #B-Baby, baby # - #Get up on this # - Hey! - #Get up on this # - #P ush it # #Sa-Sa-Sa-Salt-N-Pepa's here # Now, wait a minute, y'all.
Now, this dance ain't for everybody.
Only the sexy people.
So all you fly mothers get on out there and dance.
- Dance, I said! Holla.
- #Sa-Salt-N-Pepa's here # #And we're in effect Want you to push it, babe # #Coolin' by day Then at night workin' up a sweat # #Come on, girls Let's go show the guys that we know # #How to become number one in a hot party show # - #Now, push it # - # Push it # - #P ush it good # - #A h, push it # - # Push it real good # - #A h, push it # - # Push it good # - #A h, push it # - #P u-Push it real good # - #A h, push it # - # Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh # - # Get up on this # - Hey! - #Get up on this # #Yo, baby pop, yeah, you Come here, give me a kiss # #Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed # #Can you hear the music pumpin' hard # # Like I wish you would Now push it # - #A h, push it # - # Push it good # - #A h, push it # - # Push it real good # - #A h, push it # - # Push it good # - #A h, push it # - # Pu-Push it real good # #Ah, push it # #Get up on this # #Ah, push it # - #Get up on this # - Holla! - #Get up on this # - #A h, push it # - Hey! - #A h, push it # Yes! Let me be the one to break the silence.
That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching And that includes an elementary school production of Hair.
We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.
L-I really don't know what to say.
Well, let me help you out then.
My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care.
But you're the one who should be punished.
I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.
Now, hold on, Sue.
The issue is content.
Those kids are talented.
And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall.
I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values.
Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.
But all these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.
But there are also songs about the circus.
This egg is sunny-side up, Will.
You need new outfits.
I got several flashes of panty from your group today and I'm not talking about the girls.
So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.
- This will not stand.
- Oh, Sue.
The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.
- Mr.
Schuester, I'm so sorry.
- Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me.
And you ruined our chances.
No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now.
Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
What's a "Luftballon"? Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did but I don't like the way you did it.
They're for Tulip-A-Looza.
It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center.
- It's supposed to smell pretty nice.
- That's really sweet of you but I have a-asthma.
What are you doing? Chasing a married guy.
I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma.
Look.
I don't know a lot about relationships.
Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes but I do know you never want to be the rebounder.
I'm a good man, Emma.
I'll treat you right.
I'll put up with all your crazy.
They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority so I'll always be able to provide for you.
You could do a lot worse and in this town, you're not gonna do much better.
Okay, I'm done talking now.
- Try it.
- # La # - Good.
- That was good.
- Okay, one more up.
- # La # - That was really good.
- Is that okay? Yeah, it's like the holy grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note.
All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.
Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Lucky I prepared for that.
Wow.
I was wondering what that was all about.
- Want to sit? - Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing.
You kicked butt at the assembly.
Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you.
You think I'm good? Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane.
You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there.
But then I heard you sing.
I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me.
Right here.
Your heart's on the other side of your chest.
Oh.
It's beating really hard.
You're cool, Rachel.
- Do you want a drink? - Yeah.
- Virgin Cosmos.
- Cool.
That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club That was really cool.
Thanks.
- Well, cheers.
- Cheers.
Cups are like the airplane cups.
Oh, you got a little Cosmo right You know, you can kiss me if you want to.
I want to.
What? Oh, my God! Did I do something wrong? No, no.
Um, I just gotta go.
Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay? I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed.
So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.
- Trust me.
You're clear.
- Are you sure? - Positive.
- Is it a boy or a girl? Um Don't quite know how to put this.
- There's no baby.
- Did it fall out? Uh, no.
Uh, you're not pregnant.
- But I've gained 10 pounds.
- It's probably from eating.
I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole.
You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy.
You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms.
If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.
I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out.
I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper.
Finn and I have been an item for a while now.
So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him? Well, let's see what you got.
#Say a little prayer for you # #The moment I wake up # - # Before I put on my makeup # - # Makeup # - #I say a little # - # Prayer for you # #While combing my hair now # - #A nd wonder what dress to wear now # - #W ear now # - # I say a little # - # Prayer for you # # Forever, forever # #You'll stay in my heart And I will love you # # Forever and ever We never will part # #Oh, how I love you Together, together # #That's how it must be # #To live without you would only bring heartbreak # # For me # Let me get this straight.
You'rejoining Glee Club? I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester but something is going on between Finn and that thing.
You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes.
Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.
Cease fire on the waterworks.
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to see it.
You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester though you don't have my bone structure.
But it wasn't until this very moment I saw how alike we really are.
You three are going to be my spies.
I need eyes on the inside.
We're going to bring this club down from within.
And I'm gonna get my boyfriend back.
I don't care so much about that.
Hey, Emma.
Guess what.
I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes.
What do you say? Boy's bathroom in the science wing? 9:00? Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby.
Um, and anyway, uh - I have a date.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
With who? I'm gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza.
With Ken.
There's my man.
Bringing home the bacon.
You You made dinner.
I thought you'd be asleep.
Well, I wanted to talk to you about something so I made you chicken pot pie from scratch.
Terri, that's so thoughtful.
I Yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, some Sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for.
Family's what's important to me.
You and the little guy or gal on the way.
- I hope you know that.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What was it you wanted to talk about? I went to the baby doctor today.
- And? - And it's a boy.
- Oh, my God.
Terri, that's amazing.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.
- What? - Yeah.
We don't need a new house.
We'll turn my craft room into a nursery.
- It's a compromise that I want to make.
- Really? Yeah.
You know, the only project that I want to work on now is us.
I love you so much.
You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.
You made this happen, Rachel.
You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly.
Quinn's audition song was on Figgins's approved list and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.
- You're punishing me.
Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you.
Or, I've realized, about me.
Look, I screwed up too.
I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are.
I should never have pushed disco so hard.
When we did it back in '93 the disco revival was in its heyday.
It was cool.
We had fun.
And that That is what Glee is supposed to be about.
If we're gonna succeed, we both need to change our mind sets.
You're not always gonna be the star.
But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun.
This is a good thing, Rachel.
We're on our way.
Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.
Sure.
#You look so dumb right now # #Standing outside my house # #Tryin' to apologize # #You're so ugly when you cry # # Please, just cut it out # #And don't tell me you're sorry # #'Cause you're not # # Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught # #But you put on quite a show # # Really had me goin' # # Now it's time to go # #Curtain's finally closin' # #That was quite a show # #Very entertaining # # But it's over now # # But it's over now # #Go on and take a bow # #Oh, and the # #Award for # #The best liar # #Goes to you # # For makin' me believe # #That you could be faithful to me # # Let's hear your speech # #Y ou put on quite a show # #You really had me goin'# # Now it's time to go # #Curtain's finally closin' # #That was quite a show # #Very entertaining # - # But it's over now # - #But it's over now # #Go on and take a bow # # But it's over now #