Glee Episode Scripts

The Purple Piano Project

(bell rings) Shalom, blogosphere.
Jacob Ben Israel here at McKinley High.
"Sudden Death" big stakes senior year-- who will succeed and who will fail? Finn Hudson, mediocre quarterback, mediocre Glee Club lead.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Me? Uh Yeah, I have plans.
(bell ringing) Um My mom still hasn't decided if I'm going to Harvard or Stanford yet.
And where are you applying? I'm not.
I'm only a junior.
Senior, junior, junior.
Hello.
Huh.
I thought you were a senior.
Optical illusion.
The chair adds a year.
Uh (singing scales): Me, me, me, me, me, me, you Me, me, me, me, me, me I'm glad you asked.
This year we'll both be applying to a New York-based performing arts school-- (sneezes) Juilliard.
We'll get an eclectic little apartment on the Lower East Side Think Bette and Barbara Hershey in Beaches, pre-cardiomyopathy.
I'll originate a role in a new Sondheim musical; Tony by 25.
Married by 30.
Leg-a-lly! Broadway, Lincoln Center, West End, a tasteful HBO miniseries.
It's all right here in my planner, you see? Twitter says you're officially dating Sam Evans, AKA Trouty Mouth, AKA Hobo McBieber.
Honey, that is so June.
Yeah, Sam and I dated, but his dad got a job out of state.
But I'm gonna give you an exclusive: Ooh.
There's a new man in Mercedes' life now, and he's my future plans.
I'm not your only your future plans, baby.
You're gonna be a star, and when you graduate and win that first Grammy, we're gonna make beautiful cocoa babies.
Ooh, baby, how you talk.
Senior year is all about being the Cheerios! top 'ho and modeling my fierceness after my numero uno Latina: Paula Abdul.
Paula Abdul is an Arab.
Hey, has anyone seen Quinn Fabray? Hi.
Hi.
Ooh, Brittany, what are your plans for the future? Wait.
Are you working on a time machine, too? I'm really excited about this year.
Okay cool.
FINN: The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing.
I look around, and everyone knows where they're headed or at least what they want.
I'm lost.
It's like I can't even remember who I am anymore.
HOCKEY PLAYER: Hey! Taste the rainbow, glee-yatch! (mocking laughter) Now I remember.
(alarm stops) Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
(both giggling) Guess who woke up right before I did? I haven't brushed yet.
(bell ringing) Mr.
Shue, why are all of our trophies in the middle of the room? I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow during the summer.
I want this image burned into your mind.
This is what the difference between first and 12th place looks like.
It's also what it feels like.
Are you planning on bumming us out all year long? No.
I'm planning on pushing you harder than you've ever been pushed.
We made it to Nationals last year.
This year, I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop us from winning it all; I let you down last year.
I lost focus, let some Broadway pipe dream get in the way.
And we're really sorry that the guy who replaced you in April Rhodes' musical won the Tony.
I mean, I can only imagine your regret.
MERCEDES: Yeah, you know what I regret? Being the laughingstock of the show choir world.
And that's saying something.
Mercedes has a point.
Finn and Rachel's "The Kiss That Missed" already has 20,000 views on YouTube, and the comments section is just full of pithy banter like "Why is that T Rex eating the Jew?" How many times do we have to apologize? Yeah.
No more apologies.
The school hates us even more now.
Which is why we have to work even harder this year to recruit new members.
We're three men down.
Yeah, only because Puckerman couldn't convince Zizes to stay.
What we had was hot, but after the debacle of Nationals, the Glee Club is not, and my cool factor can't withstand it, all right? My rep is in free fall.
Oh, don't be sad.
We'll always have Subway.
PUCK: She's the one that got away-- really, really slowly.
Where's Quinn? ARTIE: MIA.
No one's heard from her.
It's sad; I miss her.
No one is going to join, Mr.
Shue.
They will.
All they need is a little inspiration-- and I happen to have some, courtesy of Al Motta of Motta's Pianos.
Bring 'em in, guys! WILL: You guys are going to love this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, if there are purple pianos involved in this, I am on board.
These pianos were repossessed from foreclosed homes.
They're cast-offs, just like all of us.
Used, in need of repairs.
But they're still capable of making beautiful music.
WILL: Right.
So Mr.
Motta, as a lover of the arts, agreed to donate them to Glee.
I fixed them up, painted them purple, and The Purple Piano Project was born.
Now, I'm going to be placing these grapey uprights randomly throughout the school, and whenever you see one, no matter what you're doing, I want you to sing a song.
Now, use this assignment to attract kids who are just like you-- kids who can't keep the music inside.
Those are the kinds of additions that we need to win it all this year.
(sighs) Now, for many of you, this is your last year.
Let's make it special.
(bell ringing) We have an important announcement to make.
I thought this day might come.
Really, this is the only dating combination that the Glee Club hasn't tried.
We're not dating.
Kurt and I will be auditioning for Juilliard, the nation's premiere performing arts school.
That's a very good plan, guys.
It's fabulous.
Except Juilliard doesn't have a musical theatre department.
Wait, what? Have you guys thought about somewhere closer to home? Kent State has a wonderful musical theatre program and a macabre backstory, so if you're having a bad day or if you don't get the lead in a musical, you can say to yourselves, "You know what? Things really could be worse.
" No No, thank you.
No one ever became a star by playing it safe.
We're going to New York.
We are.
I think I have the school for you.
(drawer opens, then closes) NYADA? New York Academy for the Dramatic Arts.
US News and World Report ranked them the number one college in the nation for musical theatre.
It's really competitive, They only take about but they do a regular mixer for prospective students, and this year, the Midwest's top talent is rubbing elbows at the Dayton Doubletree on Thursday night.
You could go and check out the competish! Yay! Yay, college! (bell rings) The poll numbers are in, Coach.
Close the door.
Becky, the special election to fill Ken "Heart Attack" Weigand's congressional seat is in two months, and I am in ninth place at six percent, well behind "Undecided," that rapist running from prison, and "I don't care, please don't call me during dinner.
" I thought the people wanted a candidate who was for something.
That's why I took that pro-deportation stance.
But the people are angry.
They want a candidate who's against something.
What about toast? Bread's already been baked.
I don't get why you need to cook it again.
Tsk.
Oh, Becky, your twisted genius excites me.
That said, I'm on the precipice of doom.
I need to find something everyone hates.
(sighs) (piano playing "Chopsticks" in distance) ("Chopsticks" playing loudly) (slamming down keyboard lid) (cutters snipping) (strings clattering to floor) Oh, I'm sorry.
I just realized that song might be the national anthem from whatever country you're from.
That's really offensive.
You know, I was really humbled when your Glee Club made my sister's funeral so very touching! In fact, I was so moved that I have spent the entire year being nothing but kind to you people.
Today's only the second day of school.
You have no right to disturb the learning environment of this school by playing your jangly national anthem on Liberace's piano.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I have no idea who you are.
I'm Nancy Bletheim.
I teach geometry.
I've been teaching here for 42 years.
So awkward.
Those artsy kids, they think they can get away with anything.
People who call themselves "artists" think the rules don't apply to them.
It's so arrogant.
Bless you, Sue Sylvester.
You got my vote.
You're quiet.
No.
I'm being passive-aggressive.
You promised that by the first day of school, you'd make a decision.
And yet, there you sit, cute as ever, but still in your Warblers blazer.
I can't just bail on the Warblers.
Those guys are my friends.
Okay, all right, fine.
One final sales pitch, and then we can talk about making over Nancy Grace.
Okay.
If you stay at Dalton, you and I are competitors.
That's true.
And I'm just not sure that our budding love can survive that.
Let me get this straight.
I have to transfer because you're just afraid that I'm going to beat you at Sectionals? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to beat you.
Ooh, ooh, yeah.
And I know what that does to you when I win.
(laughing) Look, I mean, honestly, I-I just I just want to see you more.
Yeah, I want my senior year to be magic, and the only way that's gonna happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.
(bell rings) QUINN: Senior year, and I've finally found myself.
I'm not sure what the tipping point was-- dyeing my hair, the nose ring, my ironic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest-- but one thing I know, I'm never going back.
Quinn, look, this is our senior year, and, frankly, being on the Cheerios! isn't the same without you.
You guys are such suckers for going back to Coach Sylvester.
Come on, screw her.
This is for us.
We could win two national championships this year.
We joined the Cheerios! together, we joined Glee Club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year.
Mm-hmm.
We're like besties for life.
Yeah.
Come on, Quinn.
You know, we used to be like the Three Musketeers, and now Santana and I are like Almond Joy, and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.
You guys never understood the pressure I was under.
It sucked.
I'm not interested in the boys or the makeup or the polyester outfits.
Look, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker.
Come on, Quinn, you can't break up the unholy trinity.
People grow apart.
Deal with it.
I've got new friends now, and they accept me for who I am.
QUINN: We call ourselves "The Skanks.
" I'm Sheila.
I'm Ronnie.
They call me "The Mack" because I like to make out with truckers at the rest stop.
It's kind of a double meaning thing.
I once ate cat poo.
RACHEL: Hey, Quinn.
Hello Skanks.
Your friend stinks of soap, Quinn.
We were friends once.
Okay? And maybe when you cut off all your hair last year and thought it would solve all your problems, I should have spoken up.
Maybe when you dropped out of society this summer and started dating that 40-year-old skateboarder, I should have said I'm not coming back to Glee Club.
We need you.
O-O-Okay? Have you seen those-those purple pianos around school? We're planning this this big, you know, recruiting number, and it's going to be a tribute to the Go-Go's.
I mean, who doesn't love the Go-Go's? I prefer the Bangles.
Okay.
We need your your tremulous alto and your Belinda Carlisle glamour.
I'll give you ten bucks if you let me beat her up for you, Quinn.
I'm sorry you're so sad, Quinn.
And maybe you're not going to believe me because we were never really close, but I'm sad not seeing you in the choir room.
And we've all been through so much together.
We're a family, and this is our year to get it right.
We would love to have you back in the Glee Club whenever you're ready.
Okay? making it the zoo's bloodiest weekend in over six years.
That's what I call "panda-monium.
" Now let's hitch a ride over to Sue's Corner with congressional candidate Sue Sylvester.
Take it away, Sue.
(whistle blows) Western Ohio, ever since the start of my campaign to replace Ken "My Heart Stopped Beating and I Died" Weigand, I've been trying to be positive.
Well, you know what, Fourth Congressional District? Unless it's a day she's being screened for hepatitis, this gal's not positive.
And you know what's getting me down, Western Ohio? The arts in public schools.
Why? Because America is failing.
China is on our ass, people.
This isn't the 1960s anymore, when jobs were plentiful.
And it's not personal, Will Schuester.
The arts are expensive, and we can't afford it anymore.
That's why, tonight, I'm making a pledge, Fourth Congressional District.
If you honor me by electing me your representative, I will suspend all public school arts programs, and reject all You've got to be kidding me.
federal and state funding for the arts until every single student reads at or above grade level.
Until then, parents, if you'd like your teenager to join the Glee Club or play a doorman in a boring four-hour play about what it's like to be a middle-aged gay New Yorker, feel free to pay for it yourself.
But until Ohio's kids can compete again, it won't be on the taxpayer dime.
And that's how Sue sees it.
+ She can't do this! William, it's important you don't take this so personally.
First of all, Sue, you ruined a piece of private property.
Allegedly.
Also, you got your facts all wrong.
The arts help kids do better in school.
Kids in the arts record the lowest instance of substance abuse.
Tell that to Janis Joplin.
So you see, Sue, I do take this personally.
You're not just threatening an arts program.
You're threatening my livelihood.
I need job security.
I'm in a relationship now.
I-I'm I'm thinking about starting a family.
Oh, how is it going with Emma? I'm sure everything in the bedroom is just completely normal.
Yes! No.
It's so frustrating.
I get the green light, and then the the red light comes just as quickly.
William allow me to ladle you a piping hot bowl of "this is how it is.
" I'm done squabbling with you, okay? I'm on the national stage in the white-hot stare of the public eye.
You know, ever since my "Sue's Corner" last night, I've made tremendous gains in the polls, and I'm neck and neck with that rapist running from prison.
So I got bigger fish to fry than you and your little Glee Club.
So truce for now, macaroni hair.
Oh, and William, just know, if you do anything to derail my bullet train to power, I'll destroy you.
(bell ringing) Ladies, I put plastic on your chairs in anticipation of this announcement, so feel free to wet yourselves with excitement.
You are my Cheerio co-captains.
What?! Wait.
Co-captains? With No.
No way.
Uh-uh.
I can't work with her! Nah, nah, nah, see, let me tell you how this gon' be, if I may.
When I look at a person, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes.
I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy.
So if you ever tell me what to do, I will end you.
Bring it, sandbags! Ladies, I am aroused.
However, we have a more pressing issue at hand.
There are purple pianos polluting this school, and I will seem weak if it appears I cannot control my own workspace.
I want you to track down those pianos, take care of them.
(snaps fingers) Make it look like an accident.
Santana, you like playing both sides.
Isn't that right? What team you playing for this year? Losers or the winners? Team Sue.
Glad to hear it.
Why are you guys ignoring Mr.
Schuester's assignment? Wait, is there a purple piano in here? Wow.
How did any of us miss that? Okay.
We have to do the number.
Okay? We have to survive lunch.
It's not fair that Mr.
Shue put the piano in here.
It's too much pressure.
I agree.
That is like wearing a red dress to a bullfight.
The point of the assignment was to find people who couldn't help but join, okay? The more people that we sing in front of, the more chances we have of getting one.
Okay? It's simple mathematics.
Which I stopped attending years ago.
No, no, hold on.
Rachel's right.
How's anyone supposed to believe we can go to Nationals if we don't even believe in ourselves? Thank you.
(The Go-Go's' "We Got the Beat" begins) See the people walking down the street Fall in line just watching all their feet They don't know where they wanna go They're walking in time And they got the beat, they got the beat They got the beat Yeah, they got the beat All the kids just getting out of school They can't wait to hang out and be cool Hang around till quarter after 12:00 That's when we fall in line They got the beat, they got the beat Kids got the beat Yeah, kids got the beat Go-go music really makes us dance Do the pony, puts us in a trance Do Watusi, just give us a chance That's when we fall in line 'Cause we got the beat, we got the beat We got the beat Yeah, we got it We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat Everybody, get on your feet We got the beat We know you can dance to the beat We got the beat Jump and Get down We got the beat Round and round and round Whoo! We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat Whoo! We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat We got the beat.
(chuckling) God, no.
Food fight! (students yelling) + Ugh.
ARTIE: I thought slushies were bad, but spaghetti sauce in the eye is so much worse.
I have pepperoni in my bra.
Those are your nipples.
Mr.
Shue, if you are trying to break us down to rebuild us, it's working.
Not one single person was inspired by our hot lunch jam to try out, Mr.
Shue.
GIRL: It's true.
You guys sucked ass.
I'm sorry.
And you are? I'm Sugar Motta.
And I have self-diagnosed Asperger's, so I can pretty much say whatever I want.
I'm like a diplomat's daughter.
How can we help you, Sugar? Here's the deal.
I'm awesome, and I want to be a big, big star.
And when I saw you guys singing and dancing in the cafeteria, I thought, "I am so much better than you.
" Sorry.
Asperger's.
Well, great.
You see, guys? You have inspired an audition.
Good job.
(gloved applause) WILL: Sugar, why don't you show us what you can do? You know, take your time.
Whenever you're ready.
Sugar Motta.
Why does that name sound familiar? Oh, her daddy's the rich dude that donated the purple pianos.
Get ready to taste some sweet ear candy.
Hit it, hottie.
("Big Spender" begins) (outrageously off-key): The minute you walked in the joint I could see you were a man of distinction A real big spender Good-looking, so refined Wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? Her ears should get to park in my handicapped spot.
Hey, big spender Spend oh A little time With me Yeah.
Holy sh Sugar.
Text me re: our rehearsal "skedge.
" Of course.
Mr.
Shue, stop speaking.
Okay.
Uh, Sugar we'll be in touch.
Thank you.
Bye.
Okay, I think I speak for everyone when I say-- never gonna happen.
Guys, I know she was a little rough, but we have always had the policy that anyone who tries out gets in.
You're not doing her any good sheltering Sugar from the truth, okay? High school is where you learn survival of the fittest.
She's going to drag the New Directions! down, and that's not fair for those of us who don't want to spend our lives rotting in this insignificant town.
You said the other day that you would do anything to get us to Nationals.
Okay, and she is going to keep us from winning that elusive crown.
If anything, she's going to kill all of our chances.
(bell ringing) WILL: I just can't look a kid in the eye and say, "You're not good enough to be in Glee Club.
" Was she that bad? Sugar Motta was just awful.
I mean, I have never seen someone with so little musical talent.
But that shouldn't have anything to do with being a part of a club.
So make her water boy or mascot or something.
That's what I do with my hardest luck cases.
You know how many guys I cut last week? 60.
And all of them with big dreams.
And I crushed 'em like pigs in a blanket.
(squealing) How? I mean, doesn't that just eat you up? Of course.
But it's my job to put the guys I take in the best position to win.
It's the same as you.
The arts are different than football.
You win Nationals this year, you're buying that Glee Club ten more years.
EMMA: Curve ball-- so you just passed "undecided" and "anyone white" in the polls.
It looks like our anti-arts platform is actually working.
Maybe I should rough her up a little bit.
Go all Deliverance on her or something, huh? WILL: No.
This is my fight.
It's my program she wants to cut, and my kids.
What are you going to do? Something I should have done a long time ago.
Sue wants to declare war on the arts? Well, General Schuester is about to launch a counteroffensive.
So this is what being turned on feels like.
(bell rings) It all seems so hopelessly provincial now.
I mean, once you've performed on the stage of the Gershwin Theatre and felt the lights of Broadway on your face for the first time Nothing else compares.
What's the purple piano doing here? Well, I commandeered it to help us get ready for our NYADA mixer.
Whatever rejects show up at that place, are gonna be expecting Pepperidge Farm cookies and punch, not Velma and Roxie.
We need to intimidate those wannabes into never wanting to audition against us.
Genius! Wicked again? No.
Before there was Wicked, there was (gasps) Don't even finish that sentence.
Hit it! (jazz version of "Ding Dong! the Witch is Dead" begins) Once there was a wicked witch in the lovely land of Oz And a wickeder, wickeder, wickeder witch There never, ever was She filled the folks in Munchkinland With terror and with dread Till one fine day from Kansas A house fell on her head And the coroner pronounced her Dead And through the town The joyous news went runnin' The joyous news That the wicked old witch was finally done in Ding-dong, the Witch is dead Which old Witch? Well, uh, the Wicked Witch! Oh Ding-dong, the Wicked Witch is dead Oh, yeah, happy day Wake up, you sleepy head Rub your eyes And get out of that bed Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead She's gone where the goblins go Below, below, below Yo-ho, let's open up and sing And ring those bells out Sing the news out (Rachel laughs) Ding-dong, the merry-oh Sing it high, sing it low Let them know the Wicked ol' Witch is dead! Why, everyone's glad she took such a crownin' Gettin' hit by a house is even worse than drownin' Let 'em know the wicked ol' Witch is dead! (song ends) Those kids are never even gonna know what hit them.
+ Ladies, the key to successful Cheerios! tryouts is in brutal honesty.
Actually, maybe just brutality, as I have no intention of bringing anyone new in.
I just basically want to see people cry.
Hit it! Terrible! What is wrong with you? Next.
Well, well, well, Wavy Gravy, Dr.
Zaius.
To what do I owe this pleasure? Candidate Sylvester, To what do I owe this pleasure? Every tiny grain of this glitter represents a kid whose dream won't come true if you get elected and end school arts programs.
John F.
Kennedy once said, "The arts are the roots of our culture.
" The arts enrich our lives and help kids achieve in all walks of life.
Sue Sylvester you just got glitter-bombed.
You get that? Mm-hmm.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
Becky, I need the two of you to escort me to my hyperbaric chamber, as I have glitter in my eyes.
(bell rings) Hey, you.
Well, aren't you a sight for these sore eyes.
Bad day? (sighing): Bad week, more like it.
Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at Warbler practice? You know, putting fine tuning touches on our new Katy Perry showstopper? Okay, for someone who loves clothes so much, I can't believe you haven't noticed that I'm not in my Warbler outfit.
Wait, wait (Kurt gasps, Blaine laughs) Wait-wait-- you didn't do this for me, did you? Because if you did this for me, I mean, it would be very romantic for one, but it could lead to resentment, which could lead to anger, which could lead to a horrible, horrible, nasty breakup like, you know, on The Bachelorette, when we watched that Hey, I came here for me.
Because I can't stand to be apart from the person I love.
Well, I guess we'll just have to find a way to ease you into the New Directions! now, huh? I've already have that figured out.
(Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" begins) It's not unusual to be loved by anyone It's not unusual to have fun with anyone But when I see you hanging about with anyone It's not unusual to see me cry I wanna die It's not unusual to go out at any time But when I see you out and about it's such a crime If you should ever want to be loved by anyone It's not unusual It happens every day No matter what you say You find it happens all the time Love will never do What you want it to Why can't this crazy love be mine? It's not unusual to be mad with anyone It's not unusual to be sad with anyone But if I ever find that you've changed at any time It's not unusual to find out I'm in love with you Whoa-whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh Whoa-whoa, whoa-oh Whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh Whoa-whoa.
(song ends) (applause) + Okay, so you're gonna set up the props, I'll plug in the boombox, and we'll launch immediately into the number.
Our somewhat-talented but sadly delusional competition will just rip up their applications in fits of jealous rage.
And then they'll all just melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West herself! You know what? I kinda feel sorry for them.
Me, too.
(giggles) Hi, I'm Harmony.
What's your name, where are you from, and what are your credits? Well, I'm, I'm Rachel.
I'm Pendelton! I'm Canada! I'm Gavroche, named after ze feisty French street urchin from Les Mis! I know you totally recognize me.
It's 'cause I'm the Gerber baby.
I've been acting since I was a fetus literally.
An ultrasound of me was featured on Murder She Wrote.
I'm starring as Rizzo in an all-male production of Grease.
Welcome, welcome, welcome! As my future husband Robert Pattinson always says, "It's refreshing to get new blood.
" Oh! New blood? We've been meeting here each month since we were freshmen, literally.
Well, actually Kurt and I just found out about this on Monday.
But speaking of "refreshing," we've put together a number that we think you guys Places! You're just in time to see a little number we've been futzing around with.
Thank God there was a bar mitzvah here on Saturday.
And I convinced them not to strike the stage.
So sit back, relax, and most importantly, enjoy.
Thank you.
Oh, my God Just, just breathe and smile, okay? Just 'cause they look like us and act like us doesn't mean they're better than us.
("Anything Goes" begins) Times have changed! And we've often rewound the clock Since the Puritans got a shock When they landed on Plymouth Rock! If today Any shock they should try to stem 'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock Plymouth Rock would land on them! In olden days A glimpse of stocking Was looked on as something shocking But now God knows Anything goes! Good authors, too, who once knew better words Now only use four-letter words writing prose Anything goes Anything you can be, I can be greater Sooner or later, I'm greater than you No, you're not! Yes, I am No, you're not! Yes, I am No, you're not! Yes, I am, yes, I am! (lively orchestral interlude) (tap shoes clacking) The world has gone mad today and good's bad today Black's white today and day's night today When most guys today that women prize today Are just silly gigolos! Any note you can hold, I can hold longer I can hold any note longer than you No, you can't, no, you can't Yes, I can, yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't, no, no Yes, I Anything goes (continues singing note) Yes I No you Can Can't Anything goes.
I've never, I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Me, either.
And that's a really high bar.
I mean, they were so Fabulous.
(crying softly) Rachel, we might be hot stuff at McKinley, but outside those walls, we aren't even stuff.
I mean, we've been deluded and arrogant.
(sobs) What if we're not good enough to make it? No.
There's only one thing to do.
(blows nose) We just have to move to another town and just erase our identities and just resign to a sad life of community theater.
Don't say that.
Nun-Sense, Love Letters, The Vagina Monologues.
Face it, I mean, this is our future.
Not everyone's dreams come true.
You know what? (sniffles) I'm ending this pity party right now.
Okay.
Take a look at yourself.
What do you see? Come on.
Sad, puffy, red eyes filled with dashed hopes and dreams.
Rachel Berry.
One of a kind.
(thunder rumbling) There's no one like you.
Well, that's actually kind of funny, because it seems like there is.
Okay, fine, so you've never been in a high school production.
Or any production, because, you know, Cabaret was canceled and so was Rocky Horror.
Mm-mm.
They had credits, Kurt.
In utero credits.
Okay, so they have more experience.
They have more talent.
But you are fierce, Rachel.
Your ambition does push-ups while you sleep.
Nobody wants it more than you.
Nobody.
And you're not giving up on this.
'Cause I'm not gonna let you.
You are getting into that school.
(sniffles) You make me want to be your boyfriend.
(chuckles) You're getting in, too.
I know it.
I doubt it.
I'm woefully thin on extracurriculars.
It's not too late.
I mean, you could, you know, still sign up for some clubs.
There's the student council.
I'm not the only fierce one.
(sniffles) Swear it.
We're gonna do this.
(both laugh) (sniffles, sighs) You realize we just did the gay high-five.
(laughs): Yeah, we did.
+ (alarm beeping) Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
Come on.
I don't want to go to school today.
I know.
It's the right thing to do for the club, the greater good.
I just can't kill a kid's dream.
I can't do it.
Will, you glitter-bombed Sue.
This week, you stopped being a man of words, and you became a man of action.
And it was super-hot.
(bell ringing) Obviously your ears are busted because I worked that song like a hooker pole.
It's no biggie.
I'll come in and I'll do it again.
Sugar, I'm sorry you can't sing.
The answer is no.
But I love your enthusiasm, and I'd be so happy to work with you so that You know what? Who cares what you think? Hmm? Nobody.
You're a washed-up Broadway wannabe who's stuck in Lima and has led the Glee Club to how many National wins? Oh, I'm sorry, zero.
Not Asperger's! SUE: Nicely played, William.
(chuckles) You know, I have to say, I'm really enjoying this new stink of man marbles wafting off of you this year.
I did not enjoy doing that, Sue.
Oh, I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about your little pixie dust hate crime.
You know, it took Becky three hours to pick the glitter from my scalp like a little chimp.
Good.
I hope it taught you a lesson.
It did, Will.
It taught me that everyone loves a martyr.
The day after your little video went up on YouTube, I went up seven points in the polls.
Turns out, your hate is a lot like high-octane Sue-fluid.
(snaps fingers) (bell ringing) Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Glee Club's newest member, Blaine Anderson.
Thanks so much, everyone.
I'm so thrilled to be here.
It's gonna be a great year, I can feel it.
We're all gonna go to Nationals.
(cheering) Yeah.
Is there a problem, guys? I just want Blaine to know that we're not the Warblers.
You know, we're not into the bells and whistles or the ball hogging, you know? I'm sorry, did I do something wrong? Well, yeah, you set a bonfire in our courtyard.
Actually, Doorknob, that was an act of political protest.
Which leads me to the next order of business.
Santana, you need to leave.
It was you and the Cheerios! who set fire to our piano.
How could you do that? Mr.
Shue, Sue made me.
Brittany didn't do it.
Well, yeah, I was gonna help, but I don't know, I'm a water sign, so You're banned from Glee.
Don't come back unless you can be as loyal to this club as the rest of the people in this room.
You know what? I could use a break.
You know, good for you, Mr.
Shue.
It's about time we got some allegiance up in here.
I said it before and I will say it again-- we want to win Nationals this year, we need to be united.
Rachel, you had an announcement? Yeah.
Um, after pushing the envelope last year, I strongly believe that we should secure the rights to a, shall we say, less controversial show for our school musical.
Wait for it.
West Side Story.
Is that the one with the cats? And it just so happens to have a lead role that showcases my talent and essence perfectly: Maria.
MERCEDES: For which there will be open auditions, right? Because Mercedes is feeling extremely pretty this year.
Kurt, you had something, too, right? Kurt Hummel is wading into McKinley High's shark- infested political waters and running for senior class president.
All right, I thank you in advance for your votes.
Okay.
So much excitement.
Now let's rehearse.
Look at what they did to us, Mr.
Shue.
Just like these purple pianos, they ripped out our guts, threw crap all over us and burned us up.
Yeah.
We got hit pretty hard.
But (plays three notes) these pianos are still making music.
And so are we.
Mr.
Shue, as always, you and I are on the exact same page.
(piano playing "You Can't Stop the Beat") You can't stop an avalanche As it races down the hill You can try to stop the seasons But you know you never will And you can try to stop my dancing feet But I just cannot stand still 'Cause the world keeps spinning round and round And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound I was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way 'Cause you can't stop the beat Five, six, seven, eight! Ever since this old world began A woman found out if she shook it, she could shake up a man And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today 'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky You can wonder if you wanna, but I never ask why If you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you can't stop the beat You can't stop today No As it comes speeding down the track Ooh, child, yeah Child, yesterday is history Be gone And it's never coming back 'Cause tomorrow is a brand-new day And it don't know white from black Yeah 'Cause the world keeps spinning round and round And my heart's keeping time to the speed of sound I was lost till I heard the drums, then I found my way 'Cause you can't stop the beat Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Ever since we first saw the sun A man and woman like to shake it when the day is done So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it And have some fun today 'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean or the rain from above You can try to stop the paradise we're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay You can't stop the beat You can't stop the beat You can't stop the beat You can't stop the beat You can't stop the beat Yeah, yeah! (song ends) Yeah!