Great News (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Serial Arsonist
1 And the senator was forced to suspend his campaign when officials discovered it was a, "Weekend at Bernie's" situation.
Chuck? Dozens hospitalized as a serial arsonist strikes again in New York City.
We go now to our field reporter, Kevin Herkins, who's been on top of this story from the beginning.
Kevin? That's right, Chuck.
This Quiznos may be toasted, but tonight, nobody's saying "Mmm.
" Witnesses saw a white male fleeing the scene.
He's described as 30s, red hair, wearing a grey suit, and a pink tie.
However, police are warning that the description is wrong and the guy probably looks the opposite to that.
There he is! We now go live to over there! No! Well, I'm sure that's some sort of strange coincidence.
Kevin is a beloved member of the MMN family.
- He obviously didn't - I did it! I set all the fires! Redheads unite and kill all the other hair colors! Back to you, Chuck.
[upbeat news broadcast music.]
[gasps.]
There's my little star! All my friends saw you on TV! Oh, I'm exhausted.
I was up all night recording vocals for DJ Snake's brother, DJ Worm, and my voice is already shot from doing that TED Talk on the power of chillaxing.
Tonight, I'm serving as a celebrity referee at Susan Sarandon's ping pong nightclub.
Huh.
That last one sounds made up.
Are you working on any dope side projects, Chuck? Well, actually, in June, I am giving the commencement address at the Braithwaite School for Troubled Boys.
Wonderful news, everyone.
Kevin has been indicted for serial arson.
- Oh, my God.
- Obviously, we need a new field reporter ASAP, so if anyone has any ideas We don't need someone with a ton of experience.
Basically, if they can string four words together, the job is theirs.
Me could go camera.
[deep voice.]
Katie could do it.
[normal voice.]
Ha! That's an interesting idea.
Who said that? [deep voice.]
I did.
I'm a talent scout.
[normal voice.]
Well, what are you doing at our morning meeting? Do you want to do it, Katie? Just for today? No, thanks.
- Good.
- What? Why? You've got nothing going on.
I read your texts.
They're all from the Domino's Pizza Tracker.
Because I would like to produce a story.
I've been working a source at the NRA, and I think he's finally willing to do an interview.
Okay.
That does sound better than your last piece about the cat who dialed 912 and everyone died.
There is one more thing.
The network has received quite a few angry phone calls from older viewers about our theme song.
Really? I think our theme song's zazzy.
Unfortunately, elderly people who complain about things are our key demographic.
We're gonna need a new theme song.
New theme song, eh? You know, I play guitar.
But I think you'd be great on the show! Mom, stop following me.
I have no desire to be on camera.
I think you're just scared because of what happened last time you tried to be a star.
[upbeat music.]
Katie, dance like no one's watching even though everyone is and the stakes couldn't be higher.
Naa na-na na-na Na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na - Na-na-na-na - Yes! Here come the hot stepper, na-na-na I'm the lyrical gangster, murderer [mumbles lyrics indistinctly.]
Murderer Like it like that Murderer No no we don't die Oh, no.
She forgot it.
Anyone test will hear Boo! Boo! [groans.]
Mom, I'm not scared.
I just don't want to be a field reporter, and honestly, I don't want you to go back to being an insane stage mom.
Oh, please.
I wasn't insane enough.
If I had pushed you harder, you would've won Little Miss New Jersey and Little Miss America and that other pageant that turned out to be for dwarves.
I didn't want to do any of those.
Only because you were afraid of your own greatness.
You're not gonna make that mistake again.
Yes, I am.
Oh, so you admit that it's a mistake.
Well, case closed, Judge Joe Black.
Or is it Brown? You know, the [whispers.]
black one.
Okay, Mom, Mom, I'm not doing it.
Okay.
What do you say to this? "Believe in your dreams"? Why do you have this? Oh, Katie, I just don't want you to be on your deathbed and look over at me and say, "I should've gone for it, Mom.
" "New theme song, eh? You know, I play guitar.
" Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Listen to the rock.
I'm definitely not gonna regret it, and I'm not making my life decisions based on advice from a rock! [rock thuds.]
I'm coming.
[whimsical music.]
Is someone playing a prank on me? Because it's very funny, and I definitely get it! "Believe in your dreams"? Thank you! I'm writing the new theme song, and that's final.
If Frasier can do it, so can I.
For lunch, I wanted tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
It's not because of the song.
Hey, what's Greg doing? Screen testing new field reporters.
Do you speak any English at all? - Ja.
- We'll be in touch.
I can't believe you don't want to do it, Katie.
Yeah, I don't know.
I just never really wanted to be on camera.
Plus, I have this NRA piece that I think It's 2017.
The only people that don't want fame and attention are molesters and not even.
Josh Duggar and Jared Fogle have that new reality show "Property Pervs.
" You're the only one.
- Okay, whenever you're ready.
- Hi, I'm Gordy Smurch, and today, I'm reporting on boogers, ew! Thank you! So you haven't found anyone yet, huh? No.
The talent pool is thin, Katie.
There's just too many news shows.
CNN had to give 10:00 to the "Damn Daniel" guy.
- Oh, this guy looks normal.
- Okay, go ahead.
Could you do it without the dummy? You heard him, dummy.
Get lost.
Could you please fill in, Katie? - Buy me some time.
- I don't know.
Every time I do something like this, my mom just gets way too into it.
This one time, I was in the background of a "Girls Gone Wild" video, not naked, just using a metal detector, and she bought, like, a thousand copies.
Please, Katie, for the show.
Fine.
Fine, but just temporarily.
We're back in business, baby! What? Why do you have that? I've never taken it off.
Fans from around the globe will gather at this midtown hotel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of "Dunston Checks In," which this reporter urges all of you to check out.
In Manhattan, I'm Katie Wendelson.
Back to you, Chuck.
All: Back to you, Chuck! All right, everyone, go get some dessert, and then we'll rewind and watch it for the sixth time.
Dave, open that wine you've been saving for your retirement! You got it, dear! Congratulations.
- Thanks, Angie.
- You know, now that you have such a cool job, I may set you up with my nephew, the one that killed all those possums under my deck.
- Ralphie asked about me? - Uh, no.
Mom, why is that woman glaring at you? Oh, her? That's my nemesis, Judy.
She is so jealous because you're on TV.
Her daughter's just a stupid senator.
I am so proud of you, Katie.
You made me so happy tonight! Aw, thanks, Mom.
You know what, it wasn't even that bad.
I got my makeup done, a mean girl from middle school approved my friend request.
See, I told you this was gonna be a good thing.
Yeah, and I've never had so many people say "Good job.
" You never hear that as a producer.
Sometimes, I sit on my own hand and then pat myself on the back so it feels like a stranger's doing it.
Oh.
Wait.
What? with Portia Scott Griffin.
Stan, you've been at the NRA for 30 years? What? They did my NRA interview without me? But I was out in the field.
I didn't write any questions.
So let's get right to it.
What is, like, the coolest gun in the world? Oh, no.
She produced it herself.
You know, I once shot a bazooka in a Taylor Swift video.
- Is there a question? - No.
Do you have any questions for me? Um, what's Taylor Swift like? - Well - Oh, my God.
She's screwed it all up.
I lost a huge story 'cause I was doing some stupid thing to make you happy.
- Aw.
- No, Mom, not "Aw.
" I'm never going on camera again.
- What? - Hey.
Can I have a picture with the TV star? - Yes.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
And tomorrow, I am marching into Greg's office, and I am telling him that this is over.
- [phone chimes.]
- Oh, Ralphie texted back.
He said, "She wishes" and four toilet emojis.
[light orchestral music.]
[elevator bell dings.]
[grunting.]
Hey, who are you, the janitor? Clean up these papers that someone else threw on the ground.
No, I'm the editor, Justin.
Haven't I seen you going through the garbage? No.
Oh, wait.
The garbage? Yeah.
Cool guitar.
[strums chords.]
That's her way of saying thank you.
Okay, well, see ya.
I'm actually writing a new theme song for the show.
It's going really well.
- Cool.
Let's hear it.
- All right, you got me! It's going horribly! It's not fair.
People only see me as one thing, a serious newsman, but I'm so much more! I'm a musician! I'm a painter.
I'm a dirty standup.
I'm a dirty magician.
- I'm an X-rated hypnotist.
- Okay, well, see ya.
Portia gets all these opportunities to be creative.
She was the news anchor in two different "Batmans" but not me.
Finally, I get my opportunity to write a song to show a different side of myself to the world, and I'm blowing it! Wow, Chuck, I didn't know you were that into music.
[exhales.]
Well, you know how the old saying goes, "All news anchors want to be rock stars and all rock stars want to be news anchors.
" You know, I'm actually in a band myself.
Okay, well, see ya.
No, what I meant was I can help you write the song, - if you want.
- You would do that? You know what, you're all right, janitor.
[upbeat music.]
Greg, that was my NRA interview.
Good morning.
How could you let Portia do it alone? That's like letting a baby shoot a gun, which happened at the end of the interview.
- You were out in the field.
- Well, not anymore.
I officially quit being a field reporter.
No, you don't.
The network called.
- They loved you.
- What? They wanted you to take over the position permanently.
Why? I wasn't even that good.
Yeah, I have no idea why.
I'm sure it's only because - Because what? - Well, you know, you did look not ugly on camera.
Greg, come on.
You know me, I don't care how hot I look on camera.
Never said "hot.
" I'm sorry, but unless you start a fire and join the Redhead Army, which Kevin is somehow mobilizing from prison, you are the new field reporter.
[groans.]
- Stupid slamming bod.
- Never said "slamming bod!" Sorry I'm late.
Last night was the release party for my new young adult novel.
- Cool.
What's it about? - I don't know.
Like, a elf or something.
Sounds like you're pretty busy, Portia.
But so have I! Chuck's been up for 36 hours.
I managed to put a little something together for the new theme song, so why don't you take a listen? I don't think we're gonna get many complaints on this one.
You may fire when ready.
- [upbeat rock music.]
- It's the afternoon Dinner's coming soon But first you need to get some information Kids are home from school, turn on something cool We're the raddest news team in the nation Hearing bad news can take a toll Without a little bit of rock and roll Breakdown, give me a Breakdown Get a hot takedown And tell those CNN clowns to jump in a lake [guitar solo.]
Chuck is number one, Chuck is really fun He's beloved in the Midwest and on every coast Chuck has shot a gun, Chuck can bench a ton Chuck is super cool and Portia is another host If you wanted to be bored, I'm sorry Who says the news can't be a sexy party? I'm sorry, how long is this? It's as long as rock and roll.
Breakdown, give me a Breakdown Having a Breakdown Having your cake town and eating it too Breakdown 'Cause when you break it down I'm not a newsman I'm all of You 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Wow, it felt much longer than that.
Well, what do you think? [laughs.]
Yeah, it's just our current theme song is six seconds long.
I think we're looking for something a bit more, like do-do, ba-ba-dum-bum-bum.
Ooh, that's not bad.
Of course.
I get it.
You should probably just hire a musician to do it.
I'm just a newsman.
Excuse me, everyone.
[soft dramatic music.]
Damn you, rock! You made a fool of me! Are you magic? [horn honking.]
See, honey? I was right all along.
You keep trying to limit yourself, and the universe just won't let you.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Okay, next thing we need to do is work on your hair and your makeup and the way you say "water.
" What's wrong with how I say "woda"? - Ohh - And please take off those dumb bird earrings.
They're wearing you.
Yeah, and we need to get you a new catchphrase.
"Back to you, Chuck" is getting a little stale.
How about ooh, "We have the meats!" Isn't that an Arby's slogan? I thought of that independently.
Okay, there you are.
Why am I getting nervous? I don't care about this.
Oh, don't you be nervous.
You are amazing, sweetie.
That's why all those people called in about you.
- Wait, what people? - All the people that called the network just to say how great you were.
Who told you that? Greg said he didn't know why the network wanted me.
- Oh, Greg's boss told me.
- Oh, yeah? What's his name, Mom? John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Schmidt.
Liar, liar, capris on fire! Okay, fine! I called the network.
Me and everyone in the viewing party.
Angie and Barb and Pat and that two-faced B-word, Judy.
She wants to be my friend now! But why would the network listen to you? Well, you know what Greg said.
Old complainers are "The Breakdown's key demographic".
Hey, we are live in 90 seconds.
Oh, my God, Mom, you are unbelievable.
- I know.
- No, you know what? I'm not doing my report.
I quit.
What? No.
Come here.
You are not gonna quit! I will not let you! There'll be a hundred calls, a thousand calls.
You don't know how many women I know with endless free time on their hands.
How do you think Curly Sue won "The Voice"? - [gasps.]
- It was us! Anyway, break a leg, pumpkin! [ominous music.]
I knew this would happen if I went on camera.
You are like a drug addict, Mom.
Only, your drug is imagining me playing charades with Jane Lynch on "Hollywood Game Night.
" Oh, so what? I'm addicted to fame, and I ain't going to rehab unless I get to share a room with Kim Richards.
This is just like when I did pageants, - and you wouldn't let me quit.
- What? That's why I had to pretend to forget "The Hotstepper.
" - [gasps.]
- Yeah, that's right.
I could've done "The Hotstepper" that day.
I could do it right now.
- That is not true! - One minute to air! We'll talk about this after your report.
Good luck! [suspenseful music.]
Play "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze.
Naa na-na na-na, na-na na-na Wait, what are you doing? I'm ending this the only way I know how.
Here come the hot stepper, murderer I'm the lyrical gangster, murderer Pick up the crew in-a de area, murderer Still love you like that, murderer Oh, my God, she's flawless.
We don't die She did know that dance.
She just wanted to lose the pageant.
Will hear the fat lady sing Damn it! That song is so good.
I know what Bo I'm also proud to announce that I recently joined the cast of NBC's live primetime adaptation of "Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.
" Congratulations.
What an exciting opportunity for you to bring in the noise and all of the, uh, the funk as well.
Okay, and we're going to Katie in I'm the daddy of the mack daddy What the hell is she doing? Wendelson, cut it out! We're going live to you in 20 seconds! No, you're not.
Not until my mom gives up her dream of making me famous.
I can't give it up.
Not now.
Not ever.
Wayne, why are you panning to Carol? Then I'm doing this dance on the air! I'm gonna make sure no one wants me on camera ever again! This madness ends now! Great! The Wendelsons are ruining the show again.
But at least they're engaging in dialogue - about past trauma.
- What? Go stand over there! Touch them up and go uh-oh Obviously, we can't run that.
Richard, how much time have we got to fill? About 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Oh, God.
Hey, that's the exact length of the Yes, I know what it's the exact length of! Go over there! And there were no survivors but also no deaths since no one was there.
Chuck? Thank you, Portia.
We go now to Chuck, we're playing your song! I was wrong! It's amazing! The world premiere of our amazing new theme song! Get ready to rock, America! It's the afternoon, dinner's coming soon But first you need to get some information You know, my biological father and I don't really have a relationship anymore, but the time I spent with you, Chuck He can't hear you! Get out of this room! [upbeat rock music.]
Well, that was terrible, but at least it's over.
We've got the flash of a dirty magic show Is this your card, sir? It is! Well, I thought so hey-oh Katie, I'm sorry.
I never should've forced you to do those pageants.
I really thought it's what you wanted to do.
I know.
I know, Mom.
The truth is I just wanted you to be able to pursue my dreams.
My dreams.
I keep getting it wrong.
My dreams.
Hey, Mom, do you think it's possible that being on camera is your dream? Me? On camera? Oh, give me a break.
I really think I'm too old for that.
Mom, you got a job in cable news with no experience at age 60.
Who says this dream is out of reach? I don't know, Katie.
It seems impossible.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you say to this? "Believe in your dreams.
" Oh, Katie.
[clears throat.]
Can we please go? - Well, Katie, you're fired.
- What? No, no.
As a field reporter.
You can still be a producer.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- I thought that'd be more fun.
- No, no.
It's very funny.
Thank you.
Well, I hope my dancing didn't ruin the show.
Oh, it did.
But actually, I was quite impressed 'cause I thought I was the only person on earth who didn't want to be famous.
No, no.
There are two of us.
Oh, I did manage to find a new field reporter finally.
- Oh.
- See you Monday, Roberts! [sighs.]
Our time will come, Master.
[whispers.]
Master.
Till then we wait.
Chuck? Dozens hospitalized as a serial arsonist strikes again in New York City.
We go now to our field reporter, Kevin Herkins, who's been on top of this story from the beginning.
Kevin? That's right, Chuck.
This Quiznos may be toasted, but tonight, nobody's saying "Mmm.
" Witnesses saw a white male fleeing the scene.
He's described as 30s, red hair, wearing a grey suit, and a pink tie.
However, police are warning that the description is wrong and the guy probably looks the opposite to that.
There he is! We now go live to over there! No! Well, I'm sure that's some sort of strange coincidence.
Kevin is a beloved member of the MMN family.
- He obviously didn't - I did it! I set all the fires! Redheads unite and kill all the other hair colors! Back to you, Chuck.
[upbeat news broadcast music.]
[gasps.]
There's my little star! All my friends saw you on TV! Oh, I'm exhausted.
I was up all night recording vocals for DJ Snake's brother, DJ Worm, and my voice is already shot from doing that TED Talk on the power of chillaxing.
Tonight, I'm serving as a celebrity referee at Susan Sarandon's ping pong nightclub.
Huh.
That last one sounds made up.
Are you working on any dope side projects, Chuck? Well, actually, in June, I am giving the commencement address at the Braithwaite School for Troubled Boys.
Wonderful news, everyone.
Kevin has been indicted for serial arson.
- Oh, my God.
- Obviously, we need a new field reporter ASAP, so if anyone has any ideas We don't need someone with a ton of experience.
Basically, if they can string four words together, the job is theirs.
Me could go camera.
[deep voice.]
Katie could do it.
[normal voice.]
Ha! That's an interesting idea.
Who said that? [deep voice.]
I did.
I'm a talent scout.
[normal voice.]
Well, what are you doing at our morning meeting? Do you want to do it, Katie? Just for today? No, thanks.
- Good.
- What? Why? You've got nothing going on.
I read your texts.
They're all from the Domino's Pizza Tracker.
Because I would like to produce a story.
I've been working a source at the NRA, and I think he's finally willing to do an interview.
Okay.
That does sound better than your last piece about the cat who dialed 912 and everyone died.
There is one more thing.
The network has received quite a few angry phone calls from older viewers about our theme song.
Really? I think our theme song's zazzy.
Unfortunately, elderly people who complain about things are our key demographic.
We're gonna need a new theme song.
New theme song, eh? You know, I play guitar.
But I think you'd be great on the show! Mom, stop following me.
I have no desire to be on camera.
I think you're just scared because of what happened last time you tried to be a star.
[upbeat music.]
Katie, dance like no one's watching even though everyone is and the stakes couldn't be higher.
Naa na-na na-na Na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na-na - Na-na-na-na - Yes! Here come the hot stepper, na-na-na I'm the lyrical gangster, murderer [mumbles lyrics indistinctly.]
Murderer Like it like that Murderer No no we don't die Oh, no.
She forgot it.
Anyone test will hear Boo! Boo! [groans.]
Mom, I'm not scared.
I just don't want to be a field reporter, and honestly, I don't want you to go back to being an insane stage mom.
Oh, please.
I wasn't insane enough.
If I had pushed you harder, you would've won Little Miss New Jersey and Little Miss America and that other pageant that turned out to be for dwarves.
I didn't want to do any of those.
Only because you were afraid of your own greatness.
You're not gonna make that mistake again.
Yes, I am.
Oh, so you admit that it's a mistake.
Well, case closed, Judge Joe Black.
Or is it Brown? You know, the [whispers.]
black one.
Okay, Mom, Mom, I'm not doing it.
Okay.
What do you say to this? "Believe in your dreams"? Why do you have this? Oh, Katie, I just don't want you to be on your deathbed and look over at me and say, "I should've gone for it, Mom.
" "New theme song, eh? You know, I play guitar.
" Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Listen to the rock.
I'm definitely not gonna regret it, and I'm not making my life decisions based on advice from a rock! [rock thuds.]
I'm coming.
[whimsical music.]
Is someone playing a prank on me? Because it's very funny, and I definitely get it! "Believe in your dreams"? Thank you! I'm writing the new theme song, and that's final.
If Frasier can do it, so can I.
For lunch, I wanted tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
It's not because of the song.
Hey, what's Greg doing? Screen testing new field reporters.
Do you speak any English at all? - Ja.
- We'll be in touch.
I can't believe you don't want to do it, Katie.
Yeah, I don't know.
I just never really wanted to be on camera.
Plus, I have this NRA piece that I think It's 2017.
The only people that don't want fame and attention are molesters and not even.
Josh Duggar and Jared Fogle have that new reality show "Property Pervs.
" You're the only one.
- Okay, whenever you're ready.
- Hi, I'm Gordy Smurch, and today, I'm reporting on boogers, ew! Thank you! So you haven't found anyone yet, huh? No.
The talent pool is thin, Katie.
There's just too many news shows.
CNN had to give 10:00 to the "Damn Daniel" guy.
- Oh, this guy looks normal.
- Okay, go ahead.
Could you do it without the dummy? You heard him, dummy.
Get lost.
Could you please fill in, Katie? - Buy me some time.
- I don't know.
Every time I do something like this, my mom just gets way too into it.
This one time, I was in the background of a "Girls Gone Wild" video, not naked, just using a metal detector, and she bought, like, a thousand copies.
Please, Katie, for the show.
Fine.
Fine, but just temporarily.
We're back in business, baby! What? Why do you have that? I've never taken it off.
Fans from around the globe will gather at this midtown hotel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of "Dunston Checks In," which this reporter urges all of you to check out.
In Manhattan, I'm Katie Wendelson.
Back to you, Chuck.
All: Back to you, Chuck! All right, everyone, go get some dessert, and then we'll rewind and watch it for the sixth time.
Dave, open that wine you've been saving for your retirement! You got it, dear! Congratulations.
- Thanks, Angie.
- You know, now that you have such a cool job, I may set you up with my nephew, the one that killed all those possums under my deck.
- Ralphie asked about me? - Uh, no.
Mom, why is that woman glaring at you? Oh, her? That's my nemesis, Judy.
She is so jealous because you're on TV.
Her daughter's just a stupid senator.
I am so proud of you, Katie.
You made me so happy tonight! Aw, thanks, Mom.
You know what, it wasn't even that bad.
I got my makeup done, a mean girl from middle school approved my friend request.
See, I told you this was gonna be a good thing.
Yeah, and I've never had so many people say "Good job.
" You never hear that as a producer.
Sometimes, I sit on my own hand and then pat myself on the back so it feels like a stranger's doing it.
Oh.
Wait.
What? with Portia Scott Griffin.
Stan, you've been at the NRA for 30 years? What? They did my NRA interview without me? But I was out in the field.
I didn't write any questions.
So let's get right to it.
What is, like, the coolest gun in the world? Oh, no.
She produced it herself.
You know, I once shot a bazooka in a Taylor Swift video.
- Is there a question? - No.
Do you have any questions for me? Um, what's Taylor Swift like? - Well - Oh, my God.
She's screwed it all up.
I lost a huge story 'cause I was doing some stupid thing to make you happy.
- Aw.
- No, Mom, not "Aw.
" I'm never going on camera again.
- What? - Hey.
Can I have a picture with the TV star? - Yes.
- [camera shutter clicks.]
And tomorrow, I am marching into Greg's office, and I am telling him that this is over.
- [phone chimes.]
- Oh, Ralphie texted back.
He said, "She wishes" and four toilet emojis.
[light orchestral music.]
[elevator bell dings.]
[grunting.]
Hey, who are you, the janitor? Clean up these papers that someone else threw on the ground.
No, I'm the editor, Justin.
Haven't I seen you going through the garbage? No.
Oh, wait.
The garbage? Yeah.
Cool guitar.
[strums chords.]
That's her way of saying thank you.
Okay, well, see ya.
I'm actually writing a new theme song for the show.
It's going really well.
- Cool.
Let's hear it.
- All right, you got me! It's going horribly! It's not fair.
People only see me as one thing, a serious newsman, but I'm so much more! I'm a musician! I'm a painter.
I'm a dirty standup.
I'm a dirty magician.
- I'm an X-rated hypnotist.
- Okay, well, see ya.
Portia gets all these opportunities to be creative.
She was the news anchor in two different "Batmans" but not me.
Finally, I get my opportunity to write a song to show a different side of myself to the world, and I'm blowing it! Wow, Chuck, I didn't know you were that into music.
[exhales.]
Well, you know how the old saying goes, "All news anchors want to be rock stars and all rock stars want to be news anchors.
" You know, I'm actually in a band myself.
Okay, well, see ya.
No, what I meant was I can help you write the song, - if you want.
- You would do that? You know what, you're all right, janitor.
[upbeat music.]
Greg, that was my NRA interview.
Good morning.
How could you let Portia do it alone? That's like letting a baby shoot a gun, which happened at the end of the interview.
- You were out in the field.
- Well, not anymore.
I officially quit being a field reporter.
No, you don't.
The network called.
- They loved you.
- What? They wanted you to take over the position permanently.
Why? I wasn't even that good.
Yeah, I have no idea why.
I'm sure it's only because - Because what? - Well, you know, you did look not ugly on camera.
Greg, come on.
You know me, I don't care how hot I look on camera.
Never said "hot.
" I'm sorry, but unless you start a fire and join the Redhead Army, which Kevin is somehow mobilizing from prison, you are the new field reporter.
[groans.]
- Stupid slamming bod.
- Never said "slamming bod!" Sorry I'm late.
Last night was the release party for my new young adult novel.
- Cool.
What's it about? - I don't know.
Like, a elf or something.
Sounds like you're pretty busy, Portia.
But so have I! Chuck's been up for 36 hours.
I managed to put a little something together for the new theme song, so why don't you take a listen? I don't think we're gonna get many complaints on this one.
You may fire when ready.
- [upbeat rock music.]
- It's the afternoon Dinner's coming soon But first you need to get some information Kids are home from school, turn on something cool We're the raddest news team in the nation Hearing bad news can take a toll Without a little bit of rock and roll Breakdown, give me a Breakdown Get a hot takedown And tell those CNN clowns to jump in a lake [guitar solo.]
Chuck is number one, Chuck is really fun He's beloved in the Midwest and on every coast Chuck has shot a gun, Chuck can bench a ton Chuck is super cool and Portia is another host If you wanted to be bored, I'm sorry Who says the news can't be a sexy party? I'm sorry, how long is this? It's as long as rock and roll.
Breakdown, give me a Breakdown Having a Breakdown Having your cake town and eating it too Breakdown 'Cause when you break it down I'm not a newsman I'm all of You 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Wow, it felt much longer than that.
Well, what do you think? [laughs.]
Yeah, it's just our current theme song is six seconds long.
I think we're looking for something a bit more, like do-do, ba-ba-dum-bum-bum.
Ooh, that's not bad.
Of course.
I get it.
You should probably just hire a musician to do it.
I'm just a newsman.
Excuse me, everyone.
[soft dramatic music.]
Damn you, rock! You made a fool of me! Are you magic? [horn honking.]
See, honey? I was right all along.
You keep trying to limit yourself, and the universe just won't let you.
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Okay, next thing we need to do is work on your hair and your makeup and the way you say "water.
" What's wrong with how I say "woda"? - Ohh - And please take off those dumb bird earrings.
They're wearing you.
Yeah, and we need to get you a new catchphrase.
"Back to you, Chuck" is getting a little stale.
How about ooh, "We have the meats!" Isn't that an Arby's slogan? I thought of that independently.
Okay, there you are.
Why am I getting nervous? I don't care about this.
Oh, don't you be nervous.
You are amazing, sweetie.
That's why all those people called in about you.
- Wait, what people? - All the people that called the network just to say how great you were.
Who told you that? Greg said he didn't know why the network wanted me.
- Oh, Greg's boss told me.
- Oh, yeah? What's his name, Mom? John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Schmidt.
Liar, liar, capris on fire! Okay, fine! I called the network.
Me and everyone in the viewing party.
Angie and Barb and Pat and that two-faced B-word, Judy.
She wants to be my friend now! But why would the network listen to you? Well, you know what Greg said.
Old complainers are "The Breakdown's key demographic".
Hey, we are live in 90 seconds.
Oh, my God, Mom, you are unbelievable.
- I know.
- No, you know what? I'm not doing my report.
I quit.
What? No.
Come here.
You are not gonna quit! I will not let you! There'll be a hundred calls, a thousand calls.
You don't know how many women I know with endless free time on their hands.
How do you think Curly Sue won "The Voice"? - [gasps.]
- It was us! Anyway, break a leg, pumpkin! [ominous music.]
I knew this would happen if I went on camera.
You are like a drug addict, Mom.
Only, your drug is imagining me playing charades with Jane Lynch on "Hollywood Game Night.
" Oh, so what? I'm addicted to fame, and I ain't going to rehab unless I get to share a room with Kim Richards.
This is just like when I did pageants, - and you wouldn't let me quit.
- What? That's why I had to pretend to forget "The Hotstepper.
" - [gasps.]
- Yeah, that's right.
I could've done "The Hotstepper" that day.
I could do it right now.
- That is not true! - One minute to air! We'll talk about this after your report.
Good luck! [suspenseful music.]
Play "Here Comes The Hotstepper" by Ini Kamoze.
Naa na-na na-na, na-na na-na Wait, what are you doing? I'm ending this the only way I know how.
Here come the hot stepper, murderer I'm the lyrical gangster, murderer Pick up the crew in-a de area, murderer Still love you like that, murderer Oh, my God, she's flawless.
We don't die She did know that dance.
She just wanted to lose the pageant.
Will hear the fat lady sing Damn it! That song is so good.
I know what Bo I'm also proud to announce that I recently joined the cast of NBC's live primetime adaptation of "Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk.
" Congratulations.
What an exciting opportunity for you to bring in the noise and all of the, uh, the funk as well.
Okay, and we're going to Katie in I'm the daddy of the mack daddy What the hell is she doing? Wendelson, cut it out! We're going live to you in 20 seconds! No, you're not.
Not until my mom gives up her dream of making me famous.
I can't give it up.
Not now.
Not ever.
Wayne, why are you panning to Carol? Then I'm doing this dance on the air! I'm gonna make sure no one wants me on camera ever again! This madness ends now! Great! The Wendelsons are ruining the show again.
But at least they're engaging in dialogue - about past trauma.
- What? Go stand over there! Touch them up and go uh-oh Obviously, we can't run that.
Richard, how much time have we got to fill? About 4 minutes and 35 seconds.
Oh, God.
Hey, that's the exact length of the Yes, I know what it's the exact length of! Go over there! And there were no survivors but also no deaths since no one was there.
Chuck? Thank you, Portia.
We go now to Chuck, we're playing your song! I was wrong! It's amazing! The world premiere of our amazing new theme song! Get ready to rock, America! It's the afternoon, dinner's coming soon But first you need to get some information You know, my biological father and I don't really have a relationship anymore, but the time I spent with you, Chuck He can't hear you! Get out of this room! [upbeat rock music.]
Well, that was terrible, but at least it's over.
We've got the flash of a dirty magic show Is this your card, sir? It is! Well, I thought so hey-oh Katie, I'm sorry.
I never should've forced you to do those pageants.
I really thought it's what you wanted to do.
I know.
I know, Mom.
The truth is I just wanted you to be able to pursue my dreams.
My dreams.
I keep getting it wrong.
My dreams.
Hey, Mom, do you think it's possible that being on camera is your dream? Me? On camera? Oh, give me a break.
I really think I'm too old for that.
Mom, you got a job in cable news with no experience at age 60.
Who says this dream is out of reach? I don't know, Katie.
It seems impossible.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you say to this? "Believe in your dreams.
" Oh, Katie.
[clears throat.]
Can we please go? - Well, Katie, you're fired.
- What? No, no.
As a field reporter.
You can still be a producer.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- I thought that'd be more fun.
- No, no.
It's very funny.
Thank you.
Well, I hope my dancing didn't ruin the show.
Oh, it did.
But actually, I was quite impressed 'cause I thought I was the only person on earth who didn't want to be famous.
No, no.
There are two of us.
Oh, I did manage to find a new field reporter finally.
- Oh.
- See you Monday, Roberts! [sighs.]
Our time will come, Master.
[whispers.]
Master.
Till then we wait.