Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e07 Episode Script
Deadomutt (Part 1)
1 Did you see? They put an ampersand up on the wall in reception.
Yeah, an ampersand.
The thing that goes like this.
You know what that means.
Gosh, l don't know, Harvey.
They're gonna make you partner? And why not? l'll tell you one thing.
They're adding someone's name to that obscenely expensive walnut burl paneling out there and this time it's gonna be mine.
Yeah, Harvey, l'm sure that's it.
Phil wants to see you.
Of course he does.
B-l-R-D.
Sit down.
How old are you? Not a trick question, Birdman.
-Thirty-six.
-Thirty-six.
That's the age l was when l founded this law firm.
Like hell, l was.
l was 26.
Which brings me to my point.
l'm only 34, Birdman, two years younger than you and already l've done so much while you haven't.
You just get older ahead of me.
What are your plans? Where are you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Well, l work hard.
You work hard, and as a reward for hard work -people get-- -Promotions! -Promotions! -And raises! -Promotions! -Promotions! Everybody get in here.
l'm sure you've all been wondering about the ellipses in the waiting room.
-Ampersand.
-Sebben & Sebben is growing.
Growing like a big old gangly teenager with long arms and smelly gym socks.
Sebben, Sebben & Birdman.
Everyone, l'd like you to all give a warm welcome to our newest partner.
Thank you, Phil.
And newest hire.
Señor Antonio DeRivera Garcia Azul Falcone! Garcia.
Sissy European lisp thingy.
My friends call me Azul but you can call me Blue.
Yes, l think l can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before.
Not this.
This is something here before not we have.
Gracias, Phil.
Know that l am very excited to be joining you in your endeavors, as is my assistant.
ln my culture, love is.
How you say? The life.
And when we show appreciation, it is with gift.
Expensive indigo silk scarves for everyone! And now, we make party! No, wait a second.
He gets partner and l'm-- Look, we all knew you weren't gonna get the promotion.
After all, it's you.
Besides, did you see his client list? Big Falcone deal.
Someone's feeling down.
Someone needs his lucky mug.
No.
Okay.
All right, look.
Phil speaks only one language: Threat-English, okay? So if you want something, you'll have to get up march in there, wrap both hands around his neck and shake him up a little bit.
That's how you communicate with Phil.
You shake! -You think? -Yes.
Really? You think? Yes.
-Phil, l demand that l be made-- -Pull! Turks are fighters, but lndonesians now there's a nation of scrappy little sons of-- What is this? -The ficus? -No.
This.
That's just Birdman.
-He is employee, no? -For now.
You, Birdman, this is the place where l.
Carpeting? Floorboards? Mango chutney? -Disposable panty liners! -Procure.
This is the area where l procure pencils and papers and such? God, l love your accent.
Bi-curious.
You will help me in my legal career, no? He will do no such thing! Oh, office supplies.
l thought it was something legal.
Fill this.
Come on.
Let's check out the executive pissoir.
We're out of coffee filters! l've got some office supplies.
-Yes? -Office supplies.
-Heavy.
-ln the credenza.
-You wanted to see-- -Birdman, get in here.
-Have you two met? -No.
No, l would remember this one.
Birdman, Blue needs some help.
You'll take some of his caseload so he can keep thinking the big thoughts.
-You know, paradigm shifts.
-You will share in my success my continuing success.
Winning isn't a sometime thing.
lt's an all-the-time thing.
And now, we make party! That's a man-kiss.
We'll need your office, Birdman, for the ponies.
You're in.
-1 13-A.
-1 13-A? Mr.
Falcone needs more indelible markers.
Now.
Falcone? Yeah, Mark, Chicago office.
l was wondering if you thought the corporation will indemnify them, or is that our problem? Let's see.
''lndemnify.
'' What does that one mean? ''Protect against.
'' Yes, l think we would protect against legal damage and to make compensation for damage, loss or injury suffered for them.
Kid's meal.
He uses crib notes.
l won't even tell you where he keeps them.
And this morning, l walk in on him l'd like to order the Napoleonic bumblebee footstool.
and he's on the phone.
Plumped and gimped.
-Reducto? -l'm multitasking! His assistant does all the work, and Falcone takes the credit.
-He'd be lost without that dog.
-So kill it.
That's with the bullion fringe? Kill it.
Can't we make this guy anything bigger than partner? -There's got to be something.
-Kill the dog.
Demigod.
Out! Some lunch.
You get that thing l sent you? Yeah, l got it, fat boy.
Peanut! You? Yeah.
Excuse me, last week, some of us still have a career to consider.
Lucky mug? That does it! Phil, Blue Falcone is a complete-- Birdman, good.
We're out of gherkins.
Freudian.
Law school, blue chip, splash dancers.
What the.
-He tells me.
-Employee! Birdman! Copying his resume.
What the.
My God, Birdman.
What have you done? -lt's his bolts, and-- -Nuts.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say.
You'll hang for this, Birdman.
l'll see to it personally that you'll hang for this! And you're fired! Next time on Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: We find the defendant not guilty.
And now, we may party! English
Yeah, an ampersand.
The thing that goes like this.
You know what that means.
Gosh, l don't know, Harvey.
They're gonna make you partner? And why not? l'll tell you one thing.
They're adding someone's name to that obscenely expensive walnut burl paneling out there and this time it's gonna be mine.
Yeah, Harvey, l'm sure that's it.
Phil wants to see you.
Of course he does.
B-l-R-D.
Sit down.
How old are you? Not a trick question, Birdman.
-Thirty-six.
-Thirty-six.
That's the age l was when l founded this law firm.
Like hell, l was.
l was 26.
Which brings me to my point.
l'm only 34, Birdman, two years younger than you and already l've done so much while you haven't.
You just get older ahead of me.
What are your plans? Where are you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Well, l work hard.
You work hard, and as a reward for hard work -people get-- -Promotions! -Promotions! -And raises! -Promotions! -Promotions! Everybody get in here.
l'm sure you've all been wondering about the ellipses in the waiting room.
-Ampersand.
-Sebben & Sebben is growing.
Growing like a big old gangly teenager with long arms and smelly gym socks.
Sebben, Sebben & Birdman.
Everyone, l'd like you to all give a warm welcome to our newest partner.
Thank you, Phil.
And newest hire.
Señor Antonio DeRivera Garcia Azul Falcone! Garcia.
Sissy European lisp thingy.
My friends call me Azul but you can call me Blue.
Yes, l think l can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before.
Not this.
This is something here before not we have.
Gracias, Phil.
Know that l am very excited to be joining you in your endeavors, as is my assistant.
ln my culture, love is.
How you say? The life.
And when we show appreciation, it is with gift.
Expensive indigo silk scarves for everyone! And now, we make party! No, wait a second.
He gets partner and l'm-- Look, we all knew you weren't gonna get the promotion.
After all, it's you.
Besides, did you see his client list? Big Falcone deal.
Someone's feeling down.
Someone needs his lucky mug.
No.
Okay.
All right, look.
Phil speaks only one language: Threat-English, okay? So if you want something, you'll have to get up march in there, wrap both hands around his neck and shake him up a little bit.
That's how you communicate with Phil.
You shake! -You think? -Yes.
Really? You think? Yes.
-Phil, l demand that l be made-- -Pull! Turks are fighters, but lndonesians now there's a nation of scrappy little sons of-- What is this? -The ficus? -No.
This.
That's just Birdman.
-He is employee, no? -For now.
You, Birdman, this is the place where l.
Carpeting? Floorboards? Mango chutney? -Disposable panty liners! -Procure.
This is the area where l procure pencils and papers and such? God, l love your accent.
Bi-curious.
You will help me in my legal career, no? He will do no such thing! Oh, office supplies.
l thought it was something legal.
Fill this.
Come on.
Let's check out the executive pissoir.
We're out of coffee filters! l've got some office supplies.
-Yes? -Office supplies.
-Heavy.
-ln the credenza.
-You wanted to see-- -Birdman, get in here.
-Have you two met? -No.
No, l would remember this one.
Birdman, Blue needs some help.
You'll take some of his caseload so he can keep thinking the big thoughts.
-You know, paradigm shifts.
-You will share in my success my continuing success.
Winning isn't a sometime thing.
lt's an all-the-time thing.
And now, we make party! That's a man-kiss.
We'll need your office, Birdman, for the ponies.
You're in.
-1 13-A.
-1 13-A? Mr.
Falcone needs more indelible markers.
Now.
Falcone? Yeah, Mark, Chicago office.
l was wondering if you thought the corporation will indemnify them, or is that our problem? Let's see.
''lndemnify.
'' What does that one mean? ''Protect against.
'' Yes, l think we would protect against legal damage and to make compensation for damage, loss or injury suffered for them.
Kid's meal.
He uses crib notes.
l won't even tell you where he keeps them.
And this morning, l walk in on him l'd like to order the Napoleonic bumblebee footstool.
and he's on the phone.
Plumped and gimped.
-Reducto? -l'm multitasking! His assistant does all the work, and Falcone takes the credit.
-He'd be lost without that dog.
-So kill it.
That's with the bullion fringe? Kill it.
Can't we make this guy anything bigger than partner? -There's got to be something.
-Kill the dog.
Demigod.
Out! Some lunch.
You get that thing l sent you? Yeah, l got it, fat boy.
Peanut! You? Yeah.
Excuse me, last week, some of us still have a career to consider.
Lucky mug? That does it! Phil, Blue Falcone is a complete-- Birdman, good.
We're out of gherkins.
Freudian.
Law school, blue chip, splash dancers.
What the.
-He tells me.
-Employee! Birdman! Copying his resume.
What the.
My God, Birdman.
What have you done? -lt's his bolts, and-- -Nuts.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say.
You'll hang for this, Birdman.
l'll see to it personally that you'll hang for this! And you're fired! Next time on Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law: We find the defendant not guilty.
And now, we may party! English