Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e01 Episode Script
Blackwatch Plaid
1 Never fear, madam.
Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here.
Wait.
l didn't even pull it out yet.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Let's see.
Gum wrapper.
Pocket lint.
Lighter.
Oh, flamethrower.
Ring of Power.
Don't know what that is.
Roll of quarters.
Wait, that's not a roll of-- Ah, here they are.
OK.
All right.
Here we go.
And opening.
On one Next time.
Spatial relationships.
Okey-doke.
Come to papa.
Male and female end.
My office! Burgled! Plundered! Purloined! Loins.
Everybody get in here.
Who can tell me what's different about my office? You've hid the interns? Everything's gone.
l leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be.
Then l come in this morning and everything's missing.
The baby grand piano that was right there.
Gone! There was never a piano there.
Yes, there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood.
Next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
There was never a 14-foot-high gold Budd-- Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman.
Don't you understand? l'm a victim.
l feel so unclean.
Tell you what.
l'm gonna cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back, and l won't ask any questions.
OK, l'm not looking.
Can't see a thing.
Ready or not, here l come.
l wish.
Well, the Buddha is back.
But the baby grand's still missing! So while l consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator l have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures.
Frisking, cavity searches this easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system.
And for everyone's safety and security and to preserve our way of life l'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera.
Just one.
For safety, security and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
So, where do you think Cappy Paranoid's gonna stick the camera? Oh, l wouldn't worry about it, Peanut.
lt's not like he's out to tape us.
We're the people he's trying to protect.
l mean, we're not the criminals here, right? Why would he film innocent people? That would be crazy.
Look out! Phil? Yes, Birdman, what is it? Well, we all know you have our safety and security foremost in your mind, but-- Cut to the quick, Birdman.
l have a conference call at 2:00.
Oh, and l'm gonna need to borrow your car battery.
For the conference call? Well, actually, it's more like an interrogation.
Right.
On that topic l was wondering if you've considered the privacy issue.
Birdman! What? l can't believe l'm hearing this.
Wait a minute, let me rewind.
l was wondering if you've considered the privacy issues-- What's the matter with you, Birdman? Do you support the thief? ls that it? Do you not value our very way of life? No, no, it's not that.
And what, you think l have nothing better to do than gather information on you and use it against you? Do you think l'm that petty? Oh, of course not.
Oh, and by the way, you're not working hard enough.
- What? - Yup.
Got it all on this tape right here.
OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria Birdman! You better have a case by the end of the day.
A big case, involving the law.
Now get out of here.
l have to go back to reading everyone's e-mails over the P.
A.
system.
Testing, testing.
Hello, hello, hello.
This is my voice--oice--oice.
OK, good.
First e-mail, from Christie.
''What do you think of that new guy that sits next to me? - ''l think he's so hot--'' - A big case? Where am l going to get a big case by the end of the day? ''From Potamus, Peter, to Falcone, Blue.
''Subject: That thing l sent you.
''Body: Did you get that thing l sent you?'' Next message-- lt's not like l can just go out on the street and find one.
''Subject: Natural enlargement with herbs.
'' Everybody get in here.
l'm sorry you all have to stand.
The couch that was right there for years given to me by the King of Prussia after l saved his daughter from the Cossacks Stolen! Along with the ottomans.
Not the Turkish Ottomans, the footy ones that make it look so contemporary cozy in here.
And the fainting couch.
Gone! Anyway, l think l have a suspect.
He's a hairy guy, about 7 feet tall and he loves furniture.
Keep your eyes out for him.
Also, l've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow manage to control your bowels which means l have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to Blackwatch plaid! Oh, and l'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures.
Like, l don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.
Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.
Look out! Any minute now.
Good things come to those who wait.
Co--Oh, yes.
Here we go.
Wait.
l didn't know that guy was a girl.
Or that he had a bladder.
Well, l'm a spy so l carry all these gadgets with me in my trench coat.
But every time l go to get something out people think l'm flashing them.
So when you go to get your gadget out, people Think l'm flashing them.
Like here, l'll reach for my telescoping camera.
Look out! What the? Rewind.
Slow-mo.
Hello.
And who do we have here? Enhance.
Contrast.
Tint.
Bright.
Sleep mode.
Vertical hold.
Everyone get in here.
You'll all be relieved to know l've found the thief.
lt's this guy.
l would consider him dangerous.
He's too hairy not to be.
l'm gonna raise the warning system from Blackwatch plaid to the cover of Rush's seminal album, ''Moving Pictures.
'' And for added security, l've installed a ticker in the cafeteria.
Of course we're being monitored, Birdman.
Monitored? Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small no matter how perfectly tiny and miniature every month a new one smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features, the-- l'm sorry.
l believe l got off point.
Every phone has a serial number.
A serial number? Yes.
And every conversation you have on it bounces to a giant monitoring station.
Monitoring station! l will shrink you.
Yes.
A monitoring station quietly hidden underneath the cornfields in-- We interrupt to remind you that we are currently at Code ''Moving Pictures.
'' Anyways, just cutting in to remind you of our threat level and interrupting so you don't hear that the monitoring station's in lowa.
Every conversation is scanned for key words.
Here, give me your phone.
l'll show you.
Hello.
Mail bomb.
Assassination.
- Hey, can l have that back? - Fertilizer.
l just remembered l'm almost out of minutes.
Same sex marriages.
Patagonia.
Nader for President.
See, nothing happened.
Nobody's monitoring these things.
l always took Reducto for a Libertarian.
''should keep 3 days worth of clean underwear.
'' No.
Water.
Water? Oh, this is so predictable, it's throwing me off.
Hold on.
l've got the remote.
Ah, that's better.
OK, what do we have today? Oh, right.
The fellow who can't keep his squirrel secret.
Your name? Secret Squirrel.
Mr.
Squirrel, can you tell us what you do? l can, but then l'll have to kill you.
Uh-huh.
Does anyone have a ''Have a Heart'' trap? l'm a spy.
Now, in your line of work you use a lot of technological equipment, do you not? Yes.
And l would imagine you would want to hide these gadgets.
Yes.
That's why l store them here.
ln your trench coat.
Your Honor, l have videotape footage of-- Yes.
You may roll it.
As you can see, my client regularly has to open his coat and pull out a piece of equipment-- - l'll say.
- necessary to do his job.
Each and every time he opened his trench coat it was to pull out a critical tool - l'll say! - used to defend this country.
There was never a time when this trench coat this trench coat of freedom opened with the base and sordid intent of flashing anyone.
Wrong! Got a tape of it from the camera on Walnut Street.
Your Honor? Yes.
You may roll it.
Looks like the squirrel's been showing everyone where he keeps his nuts.
Guilty! Well, everybody, we not only lost the case but any shred of our privacy as well.
lf there was just some way we could stop Phil from videotaping us all.
Oh, l might have a little something that'll do the trick.
Can you help me find my sheep? l've been a bad Bo Peep.
Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here.
Wait.
l didn't even pull it out yet.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Let's see.
Gum wrapper.
Pocket lint.
Lighter.
Oh, flamethrower.
Ring of Power.
Don't know what that is.
Roll of quarters.
Wait, that's not a roll of-- Ah, here they are.
OK.
All right.
Here we go.
And opening.
On one Next time.
Spatial relationships.
Okey-doke.
Come to papa.
Male and female end.
My office! Burgled! Plundered! Purloined! Loins.
Everybody get in here.
Who can tell me what's different about my office? You've hid the interns? Everything's gone.
l leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be.
Then l come in this morning and everything's missing.
The baby grand piano that was right there.
Gone! There was never a piano there.
Yes, there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood.
Next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
There was never a 14-foot-high gold Budd-- Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman.
Don't you understand? l'm a victim.
l feel so unclean.
Tell you what.
l'm gonna cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back, and l won't ask any questions.
OK, l'm not looking.
Can't see a thing.
Ready or not, here l come.
l wish.
Well, the Buddha is back.
But the baby grand's still missing! So while l consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator l have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures.
Frisking, cavity searches this easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system.
And for everyone's safety and security and to preserve our way of life l'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera.
Just one.
For safety, security and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
So, where do you think Cappy Paranoid's gonna stick the camera? Oh, l wouldn't worry about it, Peanut.
lt's not like he's out to tape us.
We're the people he's trying to protect.
l mean, we're not the criminals here, right? Why would he film innocent people? That would be crazy.
Look out! Phil? Yes, Birdman, what is it? Well, we all know you have our safety and security foremost in your mind, but-- Cut to the quick, Birdman.
l have a conference call at 2:00.
Oh, and l'm gonna need to borrow your car battery.
For the conference call? Well, actually, it's more like an interrogation.
Right.
On that topic l was wondering if you've considered the privacy issue.
Birdman! What? l can't believe l'm hearing this.
Wait a minute, let me rewind.
l was wondering if you've considered the privacy issues-- What's the matter with you, Birdman? Do you support the thief? ls that it? Do you not value our very way of life? No, no, it's not that.
And what, you think l have nothing better to do than gather information on you and use it against you? Do you think l'm that petty? Oh, of course not.
Oh, and by the way, you're not working hard enough.
- What? - Yup.
Got it all on this tape right here.
OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria OK Maria Birdman! You better have a case by the end of the day.
A big case, involving the law.
Now get out of here.
l have to go back to reading everyone's e-mails over the P.
A.
system.
Testing, testing.
Hello, hello, hello.
This is my voice--oice--oice.
OK, good.
First e-mail, from Christie.
''What do you think of that new guy that sits next to me? - ''l think he's so hot--'' - A big case? Where am l going to get a big case by the end of the day? ''From Potamus, Peter, to Falcone, Blue.
''Subject: That thing l sent you.
''Body: Did you get that thing l sent you?'' Next message-- lt's not like l can just go out on the street and find one.
''Subject: Natural enlargement with herbs.
'' Everybody get in here.
l'm sorry you all have to stand.
The couch that was right there for years given to me by the King of Prussia after l saved his daughter from the Cossacks Stolen! Along with the ottomans.
Not the Turkish Ottomans, the footy ones that make it look so contemporary cozy in here.
And the fainting couch.
Gone! Anyway, l think l have a suspect.
He's a hairy guy, about 7 feet tall and he loves furniture.
Keep your eyes out for him.
Also, l've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow manage to control your bowels which means l have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to Blackwatch plaid! Oh, and l'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures.
Like, l don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.
Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.
Look out! Any minute now.
Good things come to those who wait.
Co--Oh, yes.
Here we go.
Wait.
l didn't know that guy was a girl.
Or that he had a bladder.
Well, l'm a spy so l carry all these gadgets with me in my trench coat.
But every time l go to get something out people think l'm flashing them.
So when you go to get your gadget out, people Think l'm flashing them.
Like here, l'll reach for my telescoping camera.
Look out! What the? Rewind.
Slow-mo.
Hello.
And who do we have here? Enhance.
Contrast.
Tint.
Bright.
Sleep mode.
Vertical hold.
Everyone get in here.
You'll all be relieved to know l've found the thief.
lt's this guy.
l would consider him dangerous.
He's too hairy not to be.
l'm gonna raise the warning system from Blackwatch plaid to the cover of Rush's seminal album, ''Moving Pictures.
'' And for added security, l've installed a ticker in the cafeteria.
Of course we're being monitored, Birdman.
Monitored? Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small no matter how perfectly tiny and miniature every month a new one smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features, the-- l'm sorry.
l believe l got off point.
Every phone has a serial number.
A serial number? Yes.
And every conversation you have on it bounces to a giant monitoring station.
Monitoring station! l will shrink you.
Yes.
A monitoring station quietly hidden underneath the cornfields in-- We interrupt to remind you that we are currently at Code ''Moving Pictures.
'' Anyways, just cutting in to remind you of our threat level and interrupting so you don't hear that the monitoring station's in lowa.
Every conversation is scanned for key words.
Here, give me your phone.
l'll show you.
Hello.
Mail bomb.
Assassination.
- Hey, can l have that back? - Fertilizer.
l just remembered l'm almost out of minutes.
Same sex marriages.
Patagonia.
Nader for President.
See, nothing happened.
Nobody's monitoring these things.
l always took Reducto for a Libertarian.
''should keep 3 days worth of clean underwear.
'' No.
Water.
Water? Oh, this is so predictable, it's throwing me off.
Hold on.
l've got the remote.
Ah, that's better.
OK, what do we have today? Oh, right.
The fellow who can't keep his squirrel secret.
Your name? Secret Squirrel.
Mr.
Squirrel, can you tell us what you do? l can, but then l'll have to kill you.
Uh-huh.
Does anyone have a ''Have a Heart'' trap? l'm a spy.
Now, in your line of work you use a lot of technological equipment, do you not? Yes.
And l would imagine you would want to hide these gadgets.
Yes.
That's why l store them here.
ln your trench coat.
Your Honor, l have videotape footage of-- Yes.
You may roll it.
As you can see, my client regularly has to open his coat and pull out a piece of equipment-- - l'll say.
- necessary to do his job.
Each and every time he opened his trench coat it was to pull out a critical tool - l'll say! - used to defend this country.
There was never a time when this trench coat this trench coat of freedom opened with the base and sordid intent of flashing anyone.
Wrong! Got a tape of it from the camera on Walnut Street.
Your Honor? Yes.
You may roll it.
Looks like the squirrel's been showing everyone where he keeps his nuts.
Guilty! Well, everybody, we not only lost the case but any shred of our privacy as well.
lf there was just some way we could stop Phil from videotaping us all.
Oh, l might have a little something that'll do the trick.
Can you help me find my sheep? l've been a bad Bo Peep.