Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e07 Episode Script
Grape Juiced
1 And now, Grape is coming out.
A real purple mountains' majesty.
U.
S.
A.
! Keep your ass in the air! Keep smiling! With the teeth! Keep the ribbons flowing! Ass in air! Give me ashtray.
Can you believe it? Yeah! Take that! How you like me now, Somalia? Friggin' losers! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Avenger, what have l told you about marking territory and Oh, hi.
Excuse me.
Peanut, can we get a--a hydrant for Mister-- Beegli! That's not mine.
lt's his.
- Huh? - Grape Ape! Grape Ape! Peanut, a little help here.
Got a big jar of-- You're in! Good, Birdman.
Man in Fez, Man in Clogs, M''mbutu.
Here's the man who will prove the ape is clean and remove this horrible blot from the Laff-a-Lympics.
Harvey, the Laff-a-Lympics committee.
Pleased to meet you, Mister-- My stapler seems to have fallen in your-- lx-nay on the apler-stay.
OK, eh? This is the big time! Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.
Can you imagine if the games came here? The money.
lt's between us and Papua New Guinea.
l think we have the edge.
They ate one of the delegates-- Man in Kilt, God rest his soul.
Did you know l won the silver in '62? Not for this, for judo.
But, hey, a sport's a sport.
Hold still.
Too bad you'll be working too hard to join us tonight, Birdman.
l'm setting the boys here up with a little entertainment for the evening with Gigi.
She's quite the ''talented tour guide.
'' Yes, and give us ''oral sex.
'' Hey! l think you're talking about my--our wife.
Remember, Phil? l do! - Gigi! - Oral sex! Hello, boys.
Phil.
How's it hanging? Long, loose, and full of--Juices H Say hello to your new baby Harvey.
Freedom.
Baby? But we only got married two weeks ago and besides, did we even-- Gigi! You look absolutely-- Gotta go.
Look out! So, l'm going to be a father, l think.
You know how breeding disgusts me.
Shrinky-dink! Cells dividing, doubling in number every second.
First one cell, then two.
The blastula becoming the gastrula.
Multiplying and multiplying until it's grown into an obese teenager named Cody! - Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Maybe as a little gift for the new dad we could cut a little deal on this Grape Ape business.
Never! But l'm all for throwing the shower.
We'll have tiny little sandwiches and party games And-- Back off, you grotesque-- Grape Ape.
Grape Ape.
Pump it! Pump it up! Feel the burn.
Keep your ass in the air! Give me lighter.
l have met the unshrinkable! Well, Roger, it's a beautiful day for The People versus Grape Ape.
- Oh, my! - And what an entrance.
Dramatic.
Powerful.
Great way to start his performance today.
Excuse me.
l can't help but notice your chest.
What? Oh, this.
Dad boobs.
You stick a bottle in them so you can nurse your child.
Gigi says her breasts weren't meant for feeding.
And now entering the courtroom, the judge, Mentok.
He approaches the bench.
Will you look at that? Amazing! OK, let's get started.
Mr.
Birdman.
The Laff-a-Lympiad-- staring in wonder at today's breathtaking global marketing event it's easy to forget its humble beginnings-- two well-oiled Greek men wrestling each other naked just for their own pleasure.
No crowd, no television audience, No medal, no judges to say if a maneuver was below the belt because they didn't have belts.
So, when some governing body rules that my client should return his medal simply because he's taken a perfectly legal over-the-counter herbal supplement l ask you: Have we forgotten the spirit of the games? Have we lost sight of the one important thing-- that the U.
S.
A.
kicks the crap out of Angola! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! Your Honor, l'd like to call-- Excuse me.
Hi, honey.
Do you want to talk to the baby? l'm holding the phone up to my-- l can't right now.
l'm in court.
Oh! Harry, l can't believe you said that! ls this the kind of support you plan on giving us? OK, OK.
Hello, baby.
Hello there, little baby, smookie-poo.
Oh, Harry, can you hear it? lt's saying, ''Mommy needs more money.
'' Really? l didn't hear-- - Now! - Be right there.
OK.
Time-out.
Jeez.
What the hell? And we have a 5-minute time-out.
Look out! And we're back.
Your Honor, l'd like to call some athletes from the games.
l train with Grape Ape a lot, and l never saw him use steroids.
Not once.
l've never even seen a steroid.
'Roids.
Welcome to the baby shower.
Don't touch the walls, please.
Take some toilet paper to guess how big the mother is.
- This is for guessing-- - l know what to do with it.
Potpourri, don't fail me now.
Phil, wow! You shouldn't have.
Oops.
l didn't.
Phil.
Wow.
You shouldn't have.
lt's a briefcase.
You put things in it like diapers.
lt's great, isn't it, hon-- Honey? Birdman, l want you to meet your new assistant M''mbutuJunior.
What happened was M''mbutu here needed a job for his son and you needed a paralegal/shaman.
Phil, what am l supposed to do with a witch doctor's son? You don't have to whisper, Birdman.
He doesn't understand English.
Oh, OK.
Good.
Wait.
Doctor, tell us-- why do people take steroids? To get larger.
lt burns us.
And tell us--what are the common symptoms of steroid abuse? Excess body mass, acne, increased breast size aggressive behavior, and withered testicles.
What? What was that last thing, Doctor? A shrinkage of the testes.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury please note that even though the defendant doesn't wear pants, we've never seen his testicles.
Strange, considering if everything were in proper proportion they would be, oh, the size of that snack stand! Aggressive behavior! Aggressive behavior! Doctor, can you tell us the results of the urine test? Yes, l can say without a doubt Oh, wow.
Not fair! Not fair! Primitive man solving everything with a gun.
l will head-shrink you.
Your Honor, since Reducto's ''expert'' has fallen asleep on the job-- He is just asleep, right? No.
No, wait.
Don't tell me.
l'd like to call my own medical expert.
l can say without a doubt that we are not sure if global warming exists.
This is the Grape Ape case.
You know, steroid tests are Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The link between cigarettes and cancer is inconclusive.
That one? Wait, here.
Star Wars works? Oh, what's this? Oh, your invoice.
Here we go.
Steroids tests are unreliable-- Oh, God! My leg! Oh, my leg! He's our witness, Junior.
Friendly.
No--No stabby-stabby.
Has the jury reached a verdict? This is what we've been waiting for.
And the first one: Guilty.
Guilty, guilty, guilty-- Can you believe this? - Guilty.
Another guilty.
Guilty.
- Why couldn't you keep your ass-- l never dreamed Guilty.
Not guilty.
- Oh, mon dieu/ - Can you believe it? Oh, please.
Who listens to the French? Guilty.
Oh, l have the results of the test.
The father of Gigi's baby is - Grape Ape! - Huh? Wait, don't you need a blood test to tell who the daddy is-- Thank you.
lt also says that the games go to lt's Dallas! Cannibals! Hello, everyone.
l'm Grape Ape, and we're Natural Hi.
Hi! Hold on.
And we're here to perform a song called ''Decisions.
'' You know, l made a decision awhile back to take steroids.
Alleged decision.
That is under appeal.
That's right, Birdman.
And sure, l got a pro career and riches and fame but there was a dark side, too, and l can tell you-- But maybe l should just sing it instead.
Harvey.
Hit it, Grape.
l took 'roids to make me strong But don't you know that 'roids are wrong? But it gave me my career lt could give a girl a beard What would l do without my Benz? You could do homework or hang out with friends That's right, 'roids are wrong And so concludes my court-ordered song We're Natural Hi.
Bye.
That was 15 minutes, right? Let's get the hell out of here.
A real purple mountains' majesty.
U.
S.
A.
! Keep your ass in the air! Keep smiling! With the teeth! Keep the ribbons flowing! Ass in air! Give me ashtray.
Can you believe it? Yeah! Take that! How you like me now, Somalia? Friggin' losers! Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Avenger, what have l told you about marking territory and Oh, hi.
Excuse me.
Peanut, can we get a--a hydrant for Mister-- Beegli! That's not mine.
lt's his.
- Huh? - Grape Ape! Grape Ape! Peanut, a little help here.
Got a big jar of-- You're in! Good, Birdman.
Man in Fez, Man in Clogs, M''mbutu.
Here's the man who will prove the ape is clean and remove this horrible blot from the Laff-a-Lympics.
Harvey, the Laff-a-Lympics committee.
Pleased to meet you, Mister-- My stapler seems to have fallen in your-- lx-nay on the apler-stay.
OK, eh? This is the big time! Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.
Can you imagine if the games came here? The money.
lt's between us and Papua New Guinea.
l think we have the edge.
They ate one of the delegates-- Man in Kilt, God rest his soul.
Did you know l won the silver in '62? Not for this, for judo.
But, hey, a sport's a sport.
Hold still.
Too bad you'll be working too hard to join us tonight, Birdman.
l'm setting the boys here up with a little entertainment for the evening with Gigi.
She's quite the ''talented tour guide.
'' Yes, and give us ''oral sex.
'' Hey! l think you're talking about my--our wife.
Remember, Phil? l do! - Gigi! - Oral sex! Hello, boys.
Phil.
How's it hanging? Long, loose, and full of--Juices H Say hello to your new baby Harvey.
Freedom.
Baby? But we only got married two weeks ago and besides, did we even-- Gigi! You look absolutely-- Gotta go.
Look out! So, l'm going to be a father, l think.
You know how breeding disgusts me.
Shrinky-dink! Cells dividing, doubling in number every second.
First one cell, then two.
The blastula becoming the gastrula.
Multiplying and multiplying until it's grown into an obese teenager named Cody! - Congratulations.
- Thanks.
Maybe as a little gift for the new dad we could cut a little deal on this Grape Ape business.
Never! But l'm all for throwing the shower.
We'll have tiny little sandwiches and party games And-- Back off, you grotesque-- Grape Ape.
Grape Ape.
Pump it! Pump it up! Feel the burn.
Keep your ass in the air! Give me lighter.
l have met the unshrinkable! Well, Roger, it's a beautiful day for The People versus Grape Ape.
- Oh, my! - And what an entrance.
Dramatic.
Powerful.
Great way to start his performance today.
Excuse me.
l can't help but notice your chest.
What? Oh, this.
Dad boobs.
You stick a bottle in them so you can nurse your child.
Gigi says her breasts weren't meant for feeding.
And now entering the courtroom, the judge, Mentok.
He approaches the bench.
Will you look at that? Amazing! OK, let's get started.
Mr.
Birdman.
The Laff-a-Lympiad-- staring in wonder at today's breathtaking global marketing event it's easy to forget its humble beginnings-- two well-oiled Greek men wrestling each other naked just for their own pleasure.
No crowd, no television audience, No medal, no judges to say if a maneuver was below the belt because they didn't have belts.
So, when some governing body rules that my client should return his medal simply because he's taken a perfectly legal over-the-counter herbal supplement l ask you: Have we forgotten the spirit of the games? Have we lost sight of the one important thing-- that the U.
S.
A.
kicks the crap out of Angola! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! Your Honor, l'd like to call-- Excuse me.
Hi, honey.
Do you want to talk to the baby? l'm holding the phone up to my-- l can't right now.
l'm in court.
Oh! Harry, l can't believe you said that! ls this the kind of support you plan on giving us? OK, OK.
Hello, baby.
Hello there, little baby, smookie-poo.
Oh, Harry, can you hear it? lt's saying, ''Mommy needs more money.
'' Really? l didn't hear-- - Now! - Be right there.
OK.
Time-out.
Jeez.
What the hell? And we have a 5-minute time-out.
Look out! And we're back.
Your Honor, l'd like to call some athletes from the games.
l train with Grape Ape a lot, and l never saw him use steroids.
Not once.
l've never even seen a steroid.
'Roids.
Welcome to the baby shower.
Don't touch the walls, please.
Take some toilet paper to guess how big the mother is.
- This is for guessing-- - l know what to do with it.
Potpourri, don't fail me now.
Phil, wow! You shouldn't have.
Oops.
l didn't.
Phil.
Wow.
You shouldn't have.
lt's a briefcase.
You put things in it like diapers.
lt's great, isn't it, hon-- Honey? Birdman, l want you to meet your new assistant M''mbutuJunior.
What happened was M''mbutu here needed a job for his son and you needed a paralegal/shaman.
Phil, what am l supposed to do with a witch doctor's son? You don't have to whisper, Birdman.
He doesn't understand English.
Oh, OK.
Good.
Wait.
Doctor, tell us-- why do people take steroids? To get larger.
lt burns us.
And tell us--what are the common symptoms of steroid abuse? Excess body mass, acne, increased breast size aggressive behavior, and withered testicles.
What? What was that last thing, Doctor? A shrinkage of the testes.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury please note that even though the defendant doesn't wear pants, we've never seen his testicles.
Strange, considering if everything were in proper proportion they would be, oh, the size of that snack stand! Aggressive behavior! Aggressive behavior! Doctor, can you tell us the results of the urine test? Yes, l can say without a doubt Oh, wow.
Not fair! Not fair! Primitive man solving everything with a gun.
l will head-shrink you.
Your Honor, since Reducto's ''expert'' has fallen asleep on the job-- He is just asleep, right? No.
No, wait.
Don't tell me.
l'd like to call my own medical expert.
l can say without a doubt that we are not sure if global warming exists.
This is the Grape Ape case.
You know, steroid tests are Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The link between cigarettes and cancer is inconclusive.
That one? Wait, here.
Star Wars works? Oh, what's this? Oh, your invoice.
Here we go.
Steroids tests are unreliable-- Oh, God! My leg! Oh, my leg! He's our witness, Junior.
Friendly.
No--No stabby-stabby.
Has the jury reached a verdict? This is what we've been waiting for.
And the first one: Guilty.
Guilty, guilty, guilty-- Can you believe this? - Guilty.
Another guilty.
Guilty.
- Why couldn't you keep your ass-- l never dreamed Guilty.
Not guilty.
- Oh, mon dieu/ - Can you believe it? Oh, please.
Who listens to the French? Guilty.
Oh, l have the results of the test.
The father of Gigi's baby is - Grape Ape! - Huh? Wait, don't you need a blood test to tell who the daddy is-- Thank you.
lt also says that the games go to lt's Dallas! Cannibals! Hello, everyone.
l'm Grape Ape, and we're Natural Hi.
Hi! Hold on.
And we're here to perform a song called ''Decisions.
'' You know, l made a decision awhile back to take steroids.
Alleged decision.
That is under appeal.
That's right, Birdman.
And sure, l got a pro career and riches and fame but there was a dark side, too, and l can tell you-- But maybe l should just sing it instead.
Harvey.
Hit it, Grape.
l took 'roids to make me strong But don't you know that 'roids are wrong? But it gave me my career lt could give a girl a beard What would l do without my Benz? You could do homework or hang out with friends That's right, 'roids are wrong And so concludes my court-ordered song We're Natural Hi.
Bye.
That was 15 minutes, right? Let's get the hell out of here.