Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s03e04 Episode Script
Bird Girl of Guantanamole
1 You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up! What would you call that, sir, a spider hole? No, soldier, l'd call that a mole hole.
Yes, sir, ace of clubs in the hole.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Everyone, it's take Phil's daughter to work day.
l hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet.
lt's important to encourage girls to take up a professional career so that in the future, we have a strong, motivated workforce that costs only 60% of what it costs to pay a man.
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, Daddy.
What did l say about talking while you were here? Anyway, Judy thinks she's interested in a law career.
That's right, and l've been particularly interested in your work, Mr.
Birdman.
Really? Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy-touchy.
No rubby-rubby patty.
And no looky-looky-touchy.
- Sucky.
- Wait, you're leaving her? Secret! They nabbed you again for flashing, didn't they? Didn't you learn anything from the last time? Tsk tsk.
Rub, rub.
Please, go buy some pants.
No, it's my friend, Morocco Mole.
He's been held here for 2 years.
Gitmo.
- Actually, Gitmole.
- l see.
They arrested him crossing the Algerian border and labeled him an enemy combatant.
No trial, no charges, and no way to get him out of there.
What was he doing in Algeria? Vacationing.
Really? With all the civil war and kidnappings and radical lslam? They have a Sandals there.
Hmm.
This looks serious, very serious.
Excuse me.
l need to go powder mynose.
That's a little kinky, but l can certainly work with that.
Can l help you? No, but l can help you.
And you are? Birdgirl! Your trusty legal sidekick.
Where'd you get that suit? l sewed it myself.
Butterick.
Look, being a lawyer isn't dress-up.
lt isn't play or pretend.
Lawyering is dangerous.
You could get hurt! Ow! Birdman, you better not be touching my Birdman, who's the new help? Are you gonna make a move on her? Because if you're not, l will.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
l don't know, she just-- l'm no Fred Flintstone, but l'm gonna make your bed rock.
Hark! The Birdphone! - Huh? - Birdteam! Birdteam? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, not at all.
- We'll be right there! - Who was it? Someone needs a will.
But l have this much bigger case right-- Quick! To the Birdmobile! Um, OK.
Let me find my keys.
l can just clear some space for you-- Move! Look, l really don't need any help.
l work alone.
l prefer it that way.
Get in here! Whoa! That's research.
Hi.
Excuse us.
ls now a good time? Mr.
Devlin, it's Harvey Birdman.
And Birdgirl! Mr.
Devlin, l hear that you're interested in generating your will.
l'm sorry.
What? Oof! l'll use my super hearing.
Look out! That's it! You can't hang around anymore.
This is not a game.
Someone could have died back there before any billable services were rendered.
Now, where am l dropping you off? Right over there is fine.
Huh.
That's funny.
My boss Phil lives right there.
You don't say.
Whatever are the odds? Now, remember.
Don't come back till you're all grown u have been to law school, you.
Well, she's taken care of for a while, anyway.
Told her not to come back until she's been to law school.
Having a diploma from a 3-hour correspondence course doesn't make you a lawyer.
Has anyone seen my daughter? Can't find her anywhere.
She looks like this.
Worried sick about her.
l know.
Birdgirl.
Did he just call me Birdgirl? l have a very important mission for you.
Yes! Help Phil find his daughter.
Shouldn't be hard.
Check the ladies room.
Or the break room.
Great idea, Birdman.
l'm sorry, Vice President Birdman.
Oh, no.
lt's impossible.
How can l help Phil find his daughter when l am his daughter? l'm sorry, what did you say? l'm on it, Birdman.
Come on, let's-- Let's find your--your daughter.
So, um, where did you last see her? l'm sorry.
What? Your daughter.
Seeing her last.
Where did you? Oh, who cares about her? She can take care of herself.
Let's talk about you.
You know, something's wrong with my eyes l can't keep them off you.
That and l have this eye patch here.
Daddy! Ooh, that's hot! Say it again.
Yuck.
Excuse me.
l forgot something.
Oh, don't worry.
l have the olives right here.
Olives, olives.
Where would l hide if l were an olive? Look out! Thisis notgood.
My dad wanting to get into my pants! Here, hold this.
Judy, Hel--Ow! You're back! Come give Dad a hug.
Good to see you're alive.
Listen, l'm in the middle of an important meeting but let's catch up soon.
Oh, like the boots.
My client, incarcerated for 2 years stripped of his rights, granted no trial and look, look, l say, at how cute he is.
lt gets worse, ladies and gentlemen.
ls this how we treat prisoners? Cute ones? ls this what is meant by the Geneva Convention? l've been to some conventions like that.
Whoops, can't see that, honey.
That's for big girls.
Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what could happen if we let this dangerous terrorist out into society? l have here a videotaped confession.
And what do you have planned? Nothing Will stop me from setting off a radiological bomb.
Back off! Hello.
So were you ever going to tell me about your new best friend? Best friend? That perky girl.
The one who gets to spend all that time with you.
Oh, her.
How'd you find out about that? Oh, l have my ways.
How long has that been there? Oh, l don't know, couple of years.
Couple of years? Does that mean you saw-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
l got that one on tape.
Boy, you never Google yourself, do you? So, why didn't you ever ask me to be your sidekick? l didn't ask her.
Does she have a crest? Look, X, you can't be my sidekick.
Number one, l don't need a sidekick and number two, you're always trying to kill me.
Oh, she's got a crest.
Oh, she's so lucky.
So lucky.
She doesn't even-- She's on my list, Birdman as are you.
Oh! Any crest-bearing attorneys must prepare to taste the bitter-- OK, she's gonna get it.
Yep, you, that one.
Oh, wait! ls today Thursday? Zardo's recital.
Damn it! Mr.
Mole may l see your uniform? My uniform? You're a soldier, are you not? Show us your uniform.
Terrorist! Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen the Geneva convention applies only to soldiers and it clearly defines soldiers as just those in military uniform.
Objection.
He isn't even wearing pants.
- Exactly.
- Neither am l.
ls that a crime? Uh, yes.
Yes, it is.
Since he's not a soldier, under the Geneva convention we could do this, and this, and-- That's enough, Curly.
Do we? No.
lnstead, we supply this--this cabalist with a Koran, a string of prayer beads, and a skull cap.
Which would be great if he were Muslim.
He's not? Then, what's the fez for, then? Shriner, Third Degree, Clown Unit.
A handy cover.
You see, Morocco Mole linked to Alazar Can't move.
North Korea, lran, China, Dixie Chicks Can't escape cross-examination.
Jon Stewart-- Oh, he's a tiny little man.
Objection! Birdgirl--lt is Birdgirl, right? Enchanté.
Your honor, exhibit 1A, C.
l.
A.
documents that prove our client is in fact linked to those organizations because he is a mole.
Not just in that way but a mole placed there by the U.
S.
Government.
You're dead to me, can opener.
Uh, sorry.
Wrong case.
For years, he risked his life working deep underground and this is the thanks he gets.
l think l need to see a tiny bit more evidence with that whip thing.
No? You're all out with the whip? OK, fine.
All right, the defendant will be released immediately providing he promises to steer clear of my yard.
Case dismissed.
l know l've been saying l didn't need any help but, well, that was some great litigating back there so l've been thinking, maybe l do need a sidekick.
You're on the team.
l'm sorry.
The Birdteam! You mean it? You really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really Huh? To the Birdpoles!
Yes, sir, ace of clubs in the hole.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Everyone, it's take Phil's daughter to work day.
l hereby volunteer to show her the interior of every supply closet.
lt's important to encourage girls to take up a professional career so that in the future, we have a strong, motivated workforce that costs only 60% of what it costs to pay a man.
Oh, Daddy.
Oh, Daddy.
What did l say about talking while you were here? Anyway, Judy thinks she's interested in a law career.
That's right, and l've been particularly interested in your work, Mr.
Birdman.
Really? Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy-touchy.
No rubby-rubby patty.
And no looky-looky-touchy.
- Sucky.
- Wait, you're leaving her? Secret! They nabbed you again for flashing, didn't they? Didn't you learn anything from the last time? Tsk tsk.
Rub, rub.
Please, go buy some pants.
No, it's my friend, Morocco Mole.
He's been held here for 2 years.
Gitmo.
- Actually, Gitmole.
- l see.
They arrested him crossing the Algerian border and labeled him an enemy combatant.
No trial, no charges, and no way to get him out of there.
What was he doing in Algeria? Vacationing.
Really? With all the civil war and kidnappings and radical lslam? They have a Sandals there.
Hmm.
This looks serious, very serious.
Excuse me.
l need to go powder mynose.
That's a little kinky, but l can certainly work with that.
Can l help you? No, but l can help you.
And you are? Birdgirl! Your trusty legal sidekick.
Where'd you get that suit? l sewed it myself.
Butterick.
Look, being a lawyer isn't dress-up.
lt isn't play or pretend.
Lawyering is dangerous.
You could get hurt! Ow! Birdman, you better not be touching my Birdman, who's the new help? Are you gonna make a move on her? Because if you're not, l will.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
l don't know, she just-- l'm no Fred Flintstone, but l'm gonna make your bed rock.
Hark! The Birdphone! - Huh? - Birdteam! Birdteam? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, not at all.
- We'll be right there! - Who was it? Someone needs a will.
But l have this much bigger case right-- Quick! To the Birdmobile! Um, OK.
Let me find my keys.
l can just clear some space for you-- Move! Look, l really don't need any help.
l work alone.
l prefer it that way.
Get in here! Whoa! That's research.
Hi.
Excuse us.
ls now a good time? Mr.
Devlin, it's Harvey Birdman.
And Birdgirl! Mr.
Devlin, l hear that you're interested in generating your will.
l'm sorry.
What? Oof! l'll use my super hearing.
Look out! That's it! You can't hang around anymore.
This is not a game.
Someone could have died back there before any billable services were rendered.
Now, where am l dropping you off? Right over there is fine.
Huh.
That's funny.
My boss Phil lives right there.
You don't say.
Whatever are the odds? Now, remember.
Don't come back till you're all grown u have been to law school, you.
Well, she's taken care of for a while, anyway.
Told her not to come back until she's been to law school.
Having a diploma from a 3-hour correspondence course doesn't make you a lawyer.
Has anyone seen my daughter? Can't find her anywhere.
She looks like this.
Worried sick about her.
l know.
Birdgirl.
Did he just call me Birdgirl? l have a very important mission for you.
Yes! Help Phil find his daughter.
Shouldn't be hard.
Check the ladies room.
Or the break room.
Great idea, Birdman.
l'm sorry, Vice President Birdman.
Oh, no.
lt's impossible.
How can l help Phil find his daughter when l am his daughter? l'm sorry, what did you say? l'm on it, Birdman.
Come on, let's-- Let's find your--your daughter.
So, um, where did you last see her? l'm sorry.
What? Your daughter.
Seeing her last.
Where did you? Oh, who cares about her? She can take care of herself.
Let's talk about you.
You know, something's wrong with my eyes l can't keep them off you.
That and l have this eye patch here.
Daddy! Ooh, that's hot! Say it again.
Yuck.
Excuse me.
l forgot something.
Oh, don't worry.
l have the olives right here.
Olives, olives.
Where would l hide if l were an olive? Look out! Thisis notgood.
My dad wanting to get into my pants! Here, hold this.
Judy, Hel--Ow! You're back! Come give Dad a hug.
Good to see you're alive.
Listen, l'm in the middle of an important meeting but let's catch up soon.
Oh, like the boots.
My client, incarcerated for 2 years stripped of his rights, granted no trial and look, look, l say, at how cute he is.
lt gets worse, ladies and gentlemen.
ls this how we treat prisoners? Cute ones? ls this what is meant by the Geneva Convention? l've been to some conventions like that.
Whoops, can't see that, honey.
That's for big girls.
Ladies and gentlemen, do you know what could happen if we let this dangerous terrorist out into society? l have here a videotaped confession.
And what do you have planned? Nothing Will stop me from setting off a radiological bomb.
Back off! Hello.
So were you ever going to tell me about your new best friend? Best friend? That perky girl.
The one who gets to spend all that time with you.
Oh, her.
How'd you find out about that? Oh, l have my ways.
How long has that been there? Oh, l don't know, couple of years.
Couple of years? Does that mean you saw-- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
l got that one on tape.
Boy, you never Google yourself, do you? So, why didn't you ever ask me to be your sidekick? l didn't ask her.
Does she have a crest? Look, X, you can't be my sidekick.
Number one, l don't need a sidekick and number two, you're always trying to kill me.
Oh, she's got a crest.
Oh, she's so lucky.
So lucky.
She doesn't even-- She's on my list, Birdman as are you.
Oh! Any crest-bearing attorneys must prepare to taste the bitter-- OK, she's gonna get it.
Yep, you, that one.
Oh, wait! ls today Thursday? Zardo's recital.
Damn it! Mr.
Mole may l see your uniform? My uniform? You're a soldier, are you not? Show us your uniform.
Terrorist! Oh.
Ladies and gentlemen the Geneva convention applies only to soldiers and it clearly defines soldiers as just those in military uniform.
Objection.
He isn't even wearing pants.
- Exactly.
- Neither am l.
ls that a crime? Uh, yes.
Yes, it is.
Since he's not a soldier, under the Geneva convention we could do this, and this, and-- That's enough, Curly.
Do we? No.
lnstead, we supply this--this cabalist with a Koran, a string of prayer beads, and a skull cap.
Which would be great if he were Muslim.
He's not? Then, what's the fez for, then? Shriner, Third Degree, Clown Unit.
A handy cover.
You see, Morocco Mole linked to Alazar Can't move.
North Korea, lran, China, Dixie Chicks Can't escape cross-examination.
Jon Stewart-- Oh, he's a tiny little man.
Objection! Birdgirl--lt is Birdgirl, right? Enchanté.
Your honor, exhibit 1A, C.
l.
A.
documents that prove our client is in fact linked to those organizations because he is a mole.
Not just in that way but a mole placed there by the U.
S.
Government.
You're dead to me, can opener.
Uh, sorry.
Wrong case.
For years, he risked his life working deep underground and this is the thanks he gets.
l think l need to see a tiny bit more evidence with that whip thing.
No? You're all out with the whip? OK, fine.
All right, the defendant will be released immediately providing he promises to steer clear of my yard.
Case dismissed.
l know l've been saying l didn't need any help but, well, that was some great litigating back there so l've been thinking, maybe l do need a sidekick.
You're on the team.
l'm sorry.
The Birdteam! You mean it? You really, really, really, really, really really, really, really, really, really Huh? To the Birdpoles!