Haters Back Off (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Uploding my Fist Video

1 Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
I'm from Tacoma, Washington.
I'm a singer, dancer, actress, et cetera.
[chuckles] So I thought I'd post this video to YouTube to show everyone how good I am.
So That's what I'm doing.
So, anyways, I'm gonna sing a song for you guys now and I hope you like it.
- [clicks button] - ["Defying Gravity" playing] Something has changed within me Something is not the same I'm through with playing By the rules of someone else's game Too long I've been afraid of Losing love I guess I lost Well, if that's love It comes at much too high a cost I'd sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity They'll never bring me down And nobody in all of Oz No wizard that there is or was Is ever going to bring me down Bring me down [vocalizing] [vocalizing trailing off] And cut.
That was incredible.
- Yeah, I know.
- Miranda Someday soon, and for the rest of their lives, the world will thank us for this.
[voice breaking] And your Uncle Jim was there to see it all.
Now, let's get this on the Internet immediately.
[theme music playing] [Jim whispers] And it's on the Internet.
Miranda, this YouTube thing is gonna launch us into my new Five Phase Plan for Fame.
Mmm-hmm.
Ooh, I love it.
First, there's the viral video.
Second, television.
Third, singing career.
Fourth, movies.
Five, magician.
[whispers] Bam! You're famous.
Sounds easy to me.
Well, it is easy.
The views should start pouring in any minute now.
- Okay, refresh.
- Refresh.
- It is still zero.
- It is.
But this is still exciting.
- Any minute.
- [bicycle bell rings] Any minute.
[bicycle bell rings] - The usual? - Obviously.
One Froze Toes coming up.
Fifty cents, please.
[chuckles] [mimics trumpet] [chuckling] Good one.
I just uploaded a video to the Internet.
It's incredible.
Can I come in and see it? No, Patrick, I'm really busy.
[sniffs] All that jazz.
- Can't wait to go home and see it.
- Yeah.
It's real good.
[chokes] 'Kay, bye.
Any minute.
How many views do I have? Still zero? Are you kidding me? Would it make you feel better if we watch your video? Yes, that will Yes, that will make me feel much more calm.
- Okay, let's watch your video.
- Okay, thank you.
- You watch it.
- [sighs] - [Miranda] Hey, guys - I'm gonna watch you watch it, okay? - Okay, good.
- I'm from Tacoma, Washington.
[whispers] Just gonna watch you watch the video.
[softly] Ow.
- [Miranda] Mom, where's my breakfast? - Oh! Um [stuttering] I'm nuking it right now, honey.
[whispering] Shoot, shoot, shoot! - Okay.
- [Miranda] What is this? This still has the plastic on it.
Oh, it's just hard for me to grip.
You just have to poke it with a fork.
Is that so hard? Okay, okay.
Ah! The steam shot out.
It almost burned me.
- Thanks a lot, Mom.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, I have I have some news.
Look, look, look.
I graded your quiz from yesterday, and you're doing so much better this semester.
A-plus.
Last time you gave me three pluses.
- Is this some kind of joke? - No.
What happened to the other pluses, Bethany? Learn how to grade papers next time, Mom.
Okay? [Bethany] Okay, all right.
Oh, the cream shot out of my package.
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
It landed on my buns.
I like 'em extra sticky.
Mmm.
Well, if you squeeze harder, more will come out.
- Oh, good idea.
- Yeah.
- [Bethany] Hey, hey, hey, you guys.
- All at once.
Guys, guys.
I just think you need to be careful, talking like that.
What are you talking about? Well, people could get the wrong idea.
And what idea is that, Bethany? That we like breakfast? It just so happens that breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day.
And if you don't think so, I don't want to be part of this family.
Okay, Jim.
Breakfast is important, I misspoke.
[Jim] Damn right, that breakfast is important.
Watch your language in this house.
You're dang right, it's important.
No, no, Miranda.
Miranda, you need to leave some for your sister, please.
[sighs] Oh! I wish I was an only child.
Aw, thanks, Miranda.
I love you, too.
[Miranda] Emily, listen, I am starving.
All I've had to eat today is a couple of sticky buns, lots of extra cream, a popsicle and a bag of salami.
What am I supposed to do? - What is a bag of salami? - [Bethany] Emily you know what a bag of salami is.
Don't play dumb, we all know what a bag of salami is.
Anyway, have you guys noticed the lights are actually working in this house today? - Oh, yeah! - Oh, yes.
- Looks great.
- Look at that.
That's wow! Do you maybe know why that is? Any guess? Yeah.
God.
"Let there be light.
" Don't you read the Bible? Okay, what actually happened is no one paid the bill, so I had to.
Emily, I have been busy.
I have been very busy.
So, you were promoted to manager? Uh, assistant manager.
And no, I didn't get the promotion to assistant manager, but thank you for reminding me that I am not an assistant manager.
Emily, it's like you don't have a sensitivity meter.
- Is it a meter? - Yes, it's a meter.
- It's a meter and she's missing it.
- You're missing your sensitivity meter.
Okay, so far, this breakfast has been a disaster.
But I have an announcement that might make things a little better.
[clearing throat] Beautiful Miranda is one step closer to being very famous.
- [Bethany gasps] - [Emily] Okay, well I'm gonna let you deal with this and I'm gonna go to school.
- Okay, all right.
- [Jim] Just go to school.
- Love you guys.
Bye.
- [Bethany] Okay, bye.
Love you.
[Emily] Bye.
[Jim] Now [clearing throat] These are very exciting times because I have just uploaded Miranda's very first video to the World Wide Web.
To Miranda.
- To me.
Thank you.
- Oh But is the Web necessary? Yes, Mom.
The Internet is necessary.
All the most famous people in the world started off on the Internet.
Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle, that cat that fell off the table when it got scared.
I think you're better than all those people.
- And the cat? - Is she not better than the cat? - Yeah, Mom, you left out the cat.
- What cat? I am done with this breakfast and I'm gonna go check to see if we have had any views.
[sighs] And, honey, I want you to know, that even if no one watches your videos, that I am proud of you and I love you, no matter what.
What do you mean, if no one watches my video? Are you kidding me? You're the worst mom ever.
[Bethany] Oh [Jim] Oh, oh, oh, it's happening.
- It's happening! - [Bethany] What? What? What is happening? [Jim] Hurry, it's happening! [Bethany] What is happening? [Jim] Right now.
Right now.
- Forty-three views.
- [Miranda] Oh, my gosh.
[stutters] Forty-six views.
[gasping] Forty-nine views.
They can't get enough of you.
[overlapping] Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
[Miranda videos overlapping] Fifty-two views! That's practically everyone there is.
Miranda, your video has gone viral.
Oh, no.
Viral? Sweetie, I'm sorry.
Why would you say that to her? No, it is a good thing.
Oh, it's a good thing.
You're gonna be fine.
Going viral is Internet slang for famous.
This is great.
Now that you have a fan base, you need to build on this success.
You need to nurture them, make the fans think that you care.
You want to know the secret to a successful viral video? You don't stop until you've transmitted that virus to every single one of your fans.
- Sounds fun.
- [softly] It is fun.
[whispering] What are you guys talking about? So, are we going to your house this weekend? I can't.
My parents wanna sit down and have dinner where we all talk to each other.
Wow.
How do you survive in that family? - Yeah, that's, like, super weird.
- [Miranda] Hello.
You look like you wanna meet me.
- It's a meet and greet, right now.
- Oh, God! There might be some confusion about when it is.
It's now.
- [girl 1] Who is that? - You guys can come say hi.
Hello, you're here for the meet and greet.
- Welcome.
Did you want a picture? - [girl 2] What? Uh, nothing.
Nothing.
I just forgot something, so I'm gonna go get it and then I will catch up with you guys later.
Okay, single file line, everybody.
Just right here.
One picture each.
No videos today, please, I'm very tired.
- Miranda, what are you doing? - I'm meeting my fans.
- Have a headshot.
- Your fans? What fans? I have a YouTube video now.
It's online.
Hello? - Here you go.
- YouTube? Ooh, you'll like that one.
Put it above your bed.
[chuckles] Yes, it's on YouTube and it's viral, so Celebrity.
Great.
That's really great for you.
I just You know, Miranda, I just don't think that the kids at my school are really, you know, ready for someone like you.
Everyone at my school saw it and loved it.
You're home schooled.
Okay, you know what? Free headshots.
Right now, everybody! - Two for one.
- Miranda, stop! You are making a scene! That's right, Miranda.
I'm the one making the scene.
Oh, I'd be happy to take a photo with you.
- Get away, freak.
- Okay, make sure to tag me in that.
I know you want to.
[chuckles] Okay, you have to go home and take down that video, right now.
Yeah, right! That video is catapulting my career and it's gonna change everything.
- [school bell ringing] - [Miranda] Oh.
Don't worry, everybody.
I'll be back tomorrow for another meet and greet.
Same time, same place.
Oh, just so you know, your sign says "great.
" Thank you.
[cash register beeping] Actually, you know what? Can you get the heavy items for me? 'Cause my fibro myalgia.
I have undiagnosed fibromyalgia.
[sighs] It's such a burden.
Can you please get the big ones? You know what? I'm gonna actually need you to scan 'em for me.
You need to bend over and slide Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You're such a good helper.
Actually, you know what? My manager is right over there, so if you if you wouldn't mind, just don't squish the bread.
Thank you.
- You squished the - [Emily] Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
Mom.
- Yes, what? What are you doing here? Miranda showed up at my school today.
Oh, dear.
I got her to leave, but she said she's coming back, so I think we just need to deal with this whole YouTube thing before it gets way out of hand.
Okay, well, I'm on it.
I'm making her a YouTube award.
Right? Then she'll think she won YouTube and she'll stop making videos or something.
No.
No, that's just gonna encourage her, Mom.
Someone needs to be honest with her and tell her that she's got no talent.
[sighs] Oh, God.
You're right.
When are you gonna tell her? You have to tell her.
You're the mom.
Well, I can't tell her.
She won't like it.
So you're totally unwilling to tell her anything that she doesn't want to hear? I know.
[gasps] - Did you see it? - Yeah.
I got my first fan mail.
I know.
"Keep trying," right? Everything is going exactly as planned.
Probably got more, I just haven't checked yet.
Ooh, scooch, scooch! The floodgates are open, let's watch the love roll in.
- Oh, no.
- What? That! "You suck.
Don't make any more videos.
" What? What's that supposed to mean? Okay, I could be misinterpreting this, but I think he thinks that you should stop making videos, and that you suck.
- [scoffs] - You you should reply.
Yeah, okay.
"Or what?" [scoffs] "Are you threatening me?" [gasps] I got a death threat.
He could be out there right now watching me, waiting to attack! Miranda, I know this is scary, but it comes with the territory! A death threat is just a subset of phase one.
It means my plan is working.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
I'm gonna die! You need to build me a panic room.
I need security at all times, and I need a body double! - [sobbing] - Miranda, just calm down! You are perfectly safe! I have locked every door in this house! - No one is getting in! - Okay - Ahh, Patrick! - [Jim] How did you get in? - The back door was open.
- Dang it! I came as soon as I read the hate comment.
Are you okay? No, I'm not okay! I just got a death threat.
- Mom, what do you want? - What? I made snacks.
Snacks? How can you cook wieners at a time like this? - There's a killer on the loose.
- What? Yes, I just got a death threat.
Look! Oh, honey, are you serious? [gasping] Miranda, "You suck" [gasps] Oh, honey, that's so vile.
I can't say it out loud.
Oh, honey, I just don't think they mean it, sweetie.
What, are you saying I'm wrong? You're taking their side, Mom? Really? No! No, I mean, it's a it's a very scary death threat, okay? Here, have a wiener.
No, I can't eat that! What if someone poisoned it? - Safe.
- Oh, thank God.
Hey, what are you doing? You only have to eat enough to see if it kills you.
Don't be greedy, Patrick.
Nice try, Patrick.
God, I'm so stressed.
I'm stress-eating wieners! Look, just relax, okay? We'll just lay low on the Internet and move on to phase two.
Phase two? I can't go on television right now.
There's a killer on the loose.
Miranda, we'll take every precaution to keep you safe.
But we need to strike while the iron is hot.
We have to turn your Internet presence into television stardom.
Jim, how are you gonna get Miranda on TV? Easy.
We'll get her a commercial.
Miranda should be the spokesperson for an up-and-coming local business, and it just so happens that I have a great deal of influence at our neighborhood fish store.
Jim, I told you, you can't shoot a commercial in here, dude.
Don't worry about it.
It's gonna be great.
Well, did you feed the guppies? No, I didn't feed the guppies.
I'll do it after.
And what about the filters I told you to change? - You get to those? - Nope, I did not.
Have you done your job, like, at all today, dude? You see that camera? These lights? They didn't set themselves up.
I've been busy.
- [door chimes] - Is it safe for me to come in? Miranda, you're here.
Just in time.
Interior looks all clear.
I'll secure the perimeter.
- Okay.
- Maybe we should've just stayed home.
No, Mom, you need to put up these posters that I made, okay? I want everyone on the lookout for the hater.
Oh, honey, I don't think he actually looks like this.
Yes, he does.
That's his profile photo, Mom.
God, you obviously know nothing about the Internet.
I don't.
I don't know the Internet.
[Miranda] God! Why don't you stop being a smart Alex and put those up? Thank you very much! Unless you'd rather do nothing and watch me get killed.
No, I don't wanna watch you get killed.
Then why won't you just put them up like a good girl? - [stutters] I will! - Thank you.
Okay, can we hurry this up, please? I don't wanna be in one place for too long.
That's when you become a target.
Okay, well, uh having said that, we just have to wait till 3:00, when my other actor gets here, which should be just a minute.
Okay, why can't I play both parts? Well, his part doesn't have any lines.
You don't wanna do that.
Ew.
And here he is.
[Patrick grunting] [Phil] I'm a delivery man.
[door chimes] - [Jim] Hey, Phil.
- [Phil] Hey, guys.
Pretty tight security out there today, huh? Mmm-hmm.
I think one sword is probably enough, huh? [Jim] Uh, I don't know about that.
I think two swords is, uh, more what you need.
All righty.
Well, have a good one.
Wait.
Phil, I have one more delivery for you.
Uh, would you just deliver this fish right here to that girl right there? [Jim] Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait till I say action.
And action.
- I'm supposed to give this to you.
- Oh, whoa! This is not a speaking role.
Why is he talking? She's right.
Cut.
Phil, no talking, all right? Deliver that fish again.
And action.
Wait.
Okay.
Oh, what a beautiful fish you're buying, and at such a competitive price.
And guess what? One thing that's even great about it, - it's only 99 cents.
- [Jim] And cut.
Miranda, perfect.
Phil, you have to stand like a normal human being.
Yeah, I noticed that.
It was really distracting.
[Jim] Who stands like that? I know.
He's, like, pudgy, it's weird.
And back to one.
And action.
And go.
And act.
Go.
[cell phone vibrating] - Hello? - Hey, Emily, listen.
I need you to do me a favor.
I want you to go in my bathroom, and get my new wrist brace, okay? It's on my vanity.
It's the fancy one.
It's got, you know, leopard print.
What's wrong with the one that you're wearing? This is my casual brace, okay? [softly] I need my seductive one.
Mom, you're not even injured.
You don't even need the brace.
All right.
You know what, Emily? You're such a fun-stopper.
You sound just like my doctors.
Can you just bring me the brace? Like, when do I ask you to do anything? Thank you.
[whispers] Okay.
[door chimes] Couple of customers tried to get in.
But don't worry, I stopped them.
Aw, dude, come on, man.
What's wrong with the fish? What? Well I think the lights heated up the, uh the water, yeah.
- [stammers] Yeah, they're dead.
- [clerk] Oh, Jesus.
They're all dead.
Oh, so? They'll be easier to take care of.
No.
No, no, no.
You can't shoot a fish store commercial with dead fish everywhere.
I mean, it's an interesting choice, but it it just doesn't work.
It doesn't work! Just everyone Remain calm.
Just remain calm! Come on, Patrick, we just have to make these fish look like they're alive.
We just gotta weigh them down with gravel so they'll sink.
Just a little bit.
Come on.
Help me, Patrick.
Get in there! [Patrick] In their mouth? [Jim] Put the gravel in their mouths! Okay, let's see what you did.
No! [gasps] Patrick, you have the wrong fish-to-gravel ratio.
That's an absurd amount of gravel to put in there, Patrick.
I'm sorry, I haven't practiced this.
- This one's alive.
- Oh, my God, stop talking! Oh, Emily! Thank God you're here.
I need you to be my body double and go outside so the killer gets you instead of me.
As awesome as that sounds, I have to go help Mom hit on a guy.
What? Selfish! Give it to me, give it to me.
All right, so [breathes deeply] How do I look? - Pitiful.
- Perfect.
[Jim] Oh, God.
Why won't these dead fish swim? Okay, next plan.
We're gonna tape the fish to the outside of the tank.
That way, it'll look like they're floating on camera.
- Tape.
Tape.
- We're gonna tape the fish.
- Dad's gonna be here any minute.
- Oh, my gosh! You guys, we're running out of time.
Mom, just push the button, please.
Okay.
[groans softly] Ow! Oh, what a beautiful fish, and at such a competitive price.
We've got guppies.
We've got Just, everyone act like there's not a lot of dead fish.
[Patrick] Okay.
[Jim] Tape the fish to the tank.
[Patrick] Is this Does that look real? [Jim] Oh, my gosh! On camera, this will look better than if they were actually swimming.
Let's keep it up.
Let's tape all the fish to the outside of the tanks! - Just dry a fish and then tape a fish.
- [Miranda talking indistinctly] [Jim] Just dry a fish and then you tape the fish.
Just dry it and then tape it.
Just dry it and then tape it.
- Dad's here.
- Oh, hey, boss.
There's, uh, nothing to see here.
It's just a normal day at work.
That's all it is.
[shudders] - What did you do to my fish? - [Miranda] we got 'em.
That's the hater.
That's the guy who wants to kill me! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Patrick, no! Patrick, put the sword away.
Emily, what are you doing? Get out of the way! Patrick! - Get him! - [Emily] Don't do it! [both yelling] He's not the hater.
He's not the hater.
I am.
[store owner breathing heavily] - I wrote the comment.
- What? Why? Because you are embarrassing.
[knocking on door] [Emily] Miranda? Miranda, I'm sorry.
Okay, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or scare you.
I was just I was just embarrassed, and You know, I thought if I posted a mean comment that you would stop.
That doesn't even make any sense.
Why would you be embarrassed? Because [sighs] I don't know.
I'm [sighs] I guess I'm just used to you doing this stuff around the house, but now you're putting yourself out there, and people are gonna think you're People are gonna think you're different.
I thought it was a good thing to be different.
It is, it is.
It's just It's just when you're too different, people will be mean to you, and that doesn't just affect you because we're sisters.
So they'll be mean to me, too.
The only person who's been mean to me so far is you.
Okay, Miranda, listen No, Emily, you listen! I'm sick of doing performances in the living room for Mom.
She can't even clap for me anymore 'cause of her fibromynalgia.
But I thought you liked doing those.
I do, but for the first time ever, I found a way to show my talent to everybody.
You're not the only one who posted a comment on there, Emily.
Someone else said, "Keep trying.
" And I will.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get that.
How about this? I'll make sure no one ever finds out we're related.
It will be like I don't even have a sister.
You would do that for me? Of course.
Thanks, Miranda.
'Kay, bye.
[Bethany] Okay.
If you don't like it, don't tell me.
It always hurts my feelings.
Mmm.
Getting fired from the fish store was the best thing that could have happened to me, because now I'm freed up to be Miranda's full-time manager.
[Miranda chuckles] And I basically quit.
After they fired me, I said, "I quit.
" Do you like it? - [spitting] - [pebbles plinking] Jim, we're at the table.
There was gravel in my fish.
Yeah, Mom, come on, you should know how to cook a goldfish.
[Bethany] I'm sorry.
I didn't de-gravel the goldfish.
You know [clears throat] I think you're gonna be famous in time, and we should celebrate that.
"In time"? What are you talking about? It's happening now, Mom.
Seventy-three views is nothing to scoff at, Bethany.
It's probably higher now.
Whoa! You got a bunch of more comments.
I did? "No talent.
Now I have ear cancer.
" Emily! - [Jim and Bethany] Emily.
- I didn't I didn't I didn't do it.
Okay, if you didn't do it, then who would write the They're still coming in.
"Worst singer ever"? Can someone make this stop, please? All right, Jim.
You need to do something, Jim.
- I can't turn it off.
- [Miranda] Turn it off! - I can't turn it off! - [all yelling indistinctly] - Oh! - For Pete's sake, Jim! - Gosh! - "You look like a potato"? - Okay, look - You do not look like a potato! - All right, stop looking at it.
- "You sound like you were pooing"? - Who would say that to me? - [all yelling indistinctly] I got it.
I got it.
Oh! They're still coming in! [indistinct yelling continues] Turn it off! - Get out! Save yourselves! - [all yelling] [Bethany] Oh, no! [Miranda yelps] [Jim gasps] ["Defying Gravity" playing]