Haters Back Off (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Netwerking at the Nursing Home

1 Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
Just wanna let you know that even though you're all a bunch of haters, I'm not gonna let that stop me from pursuing my dreams.
You're all just jealous.
So, haters, you can just back off! So, I'm gonna sing "Respect" by Aretha Franklin, 'cause I wanna show the haters that they need to show some respect.
'Cause they do.
So all you haters listen up, 'cause this one's for you.
What you want Baby, I got it What you need You know I got it All I'm askin' Is for a little respect When you get home Yeah, baby, when you get home Just a And - That's how the models do it.
- Mmm.
How's it look? Amazing.
Um, I see you're back on the Internet.
Yeah, it's only fair to my fans.
I have to follow my heart.
Okay, well, I watched your video and it kind of gave me an idea All right, Emily, let me stop you there.
You can't be in it.
You're not gonna be in it, Emily.
That's too bad.
But listen, Miranda, remember how you used to sing "Danny Boy" for Aunty Moira every Sunday? Who's Aunty Moira? Are you serious? She's, like, our favorite aunt.
Oh, I'm pretty sure she's dead.
No, she's not dead.
I saw her yesterday.
She was very much alive.
I'm gonna have to side with Miranda here.
She's dead.
Yeah, definitely dead.
Are you sure she wasn't dead? Anyway, her dementia's been getting worse every time I've gone to see her.
And I was just thinking, hoping, that you would come and sing, and something might spark for her memory.
I don't want to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
How much does this gig pay? Oh, good thinking, Manager.
It doesn't pay anything.
Well, I would say a gig that pays nothing is something we should pass on.
Yeah, I definitely agree with that.
No, it's not a gig.
It's just a good deed for a sick person.
Emily, my my little nugget.
I see how painful this is for you, and believe me, I know pain.
So, clearly, you need to stop going to the nursing home.
I mean, if something's depressing, don't do it! Yeah! Just don't do it.
Don't go! Does that Does that make sense, Emily? Just stop going to the nursing home.
You know, it just occurred to me that Emily brought up an important point.
You should visit older family members because some day they won't be around.
And you don't wanna wake up one morning and realize that you never got the chance to get all their stuff.
That's a good point.
Emily doesn't even care about stuff.
No, I care about stuff.
Hello? You care about stuff so much.
Fifty cents, please.
What? You're charging me? What the heck! What a rip off! Sorry.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
Thank you.
I saw you leave the church with Owen.
Oh, yeah.
A lot happened after that.
It was a crazy night.
But I had a long talk with Uncle Jim about everything, and I've decided to follow my heart.
Sounds like things are pretty serious.
Well I'm happy for you.
You don't look happy.
Too much! God, I wish you could just be supportive of me, Patrick.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Keith, hi.
Wow, Bethany! I didn't know you worked here.
20 years, actually.
God, you're a captivating woman.
Thank you.
Do you have your loyalty card? I don't need a card to prove my loyalty.
But I do have a card.
I need that discount.
All right.
'Cause I can't give you the discount without it.
- 'Cause it's against the law.
- Yeah.
Um, that's $9.
Oh, um would you like a coupon for burn cream? Ooh, I think I'm predicting a fire accident in my future.
Oh! And then you can use the burn cream for your fire accident, okay.
Right, you get it.
Get it? You know, Bethany I've been recently promoted to executive director of church operations.
- Oh.
- All of which is to say I think we should go out sometime, you and me.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, wow, um, I I'm sorry.
I can't.
I Miranda says I'm not allowed to date anymore, you know.
She said it would be gross.
So Oh, well, we'll see about that.
Oh, my goodness.
Your hands are so soft for a big man.
They're - Bye.
- Bye.
Have a good day.
It's already great.
Hey, did you see that? Sorry, you're getting an enema? Um, you know, this brand is very stingy.
Hi, Carla.
How's Aunty Moira doing? Oh, I'm sorry, Emily.
What's that smell? Smells like the inside of a leg cast.
Can you make that stop? I'm sorry.
She's with me.
Miranda, please.
Miranda, don't be rude.
You have to understand, this is how old people smell in groups.
You're just gonna need to breathe through your mouth like - Nope, I can taste it.
- Okay.
All right, we're going in.
We're going in.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Eunice.
Hi, Mr.
Holy crow! Are you Bob Hamburg, the famous movie director? Am I Bob Hamburg, the famous movie director? You bet I am! Aunty? It's me, Emily.
I brought Miranda with me.
Do you remember Miranda? Of course, she remembers me.
Soup is good.
See? Aunty Moira, I'm gonna sing a song for you for free.
Oh, Danny boy The lights The lights are calling Okay, now to the important stuff.
Aunty Moira, when you die, and you need someone to take care of all your money and all your stuff, I'm available.
Miranda, that is so inappropriate.
Don't talk about death here.
Oh, right.
So, when you go to sleep - forever - Emily.
Emily, they, uh, they need you at the front desk.
At the front desk, why? Uh, I think they think it's a forgery.
That you forged your signature.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's something with Aunty Moira about, uh, her pills or head Mouth pills.
Go go check.
Go check.
I'll be right back.
Miranda, in case you couldn't tell, I was lying to your sister.
Listen, something incredible just happened.
There's a huge Hollywood director over there.
Just wasting away amongst these ordinary old people.
He's the next vital link in your rise to fame.
He can make you a movie star.
Miranda, may I present to you, Bob Hamburg, the director of Death Swamp Mother, The Man with Two Scars, and Radioactive Mistake.
All of them, Miranda, are classics.
Hello, pretty lady.
- Oh! - Mmm! Tit's a pleasure, Mr.
I'm Miranda, and you need to put me in your next movie.
I have an extensive acting resume, including many performances in various venues, including my living room, uh, my kitchen, closet - Backyard.
- Oh, backyard.
You sound like a talented young lady.
Do I know talent? You bet I do! - Wow.
Yes! - Yes! Right, well, I'm gonna perform a monologue for you.
It's really good.
It's from this amazing play that Nope, nope, nope.
No, you don't.
Emily, you're interrupting my audition.
Okay, this was all a big mistake, and I should've known you two would do something like this.
Let's go.
- Come on, we're leaving.
- Emily.
- Come on.
- He wanted to see me perform.
I don't care.
That was rude.
Owen, I am here to confront you.
Okay, uh Should I put the guitar down? Or is it Ah, no.
No, it's it's it's more of an emotional confrontation.
Okay, let me stop you right there, dude.
I I get this all the time.
You're not the first guy to express his feelings for me.
Uh, no.
I don't have feelings for you, Owen, um I'm in love with Miranda.
Who? Miranda.
Amanda? Oh, Amanda, the chick with the lipstick, uh-huh.
So, I just I want you to know that if you break her heart, I will hunt you down.
And do what? What? Hunt me down and do what? I don't know.
I will hunt you down, and and I will probably explain how hurtful your actions were.
Well, uh, as threatening as that sounds, you don't have to worry about it.
I'm not interested in Amanda.
Oh, thank God.
Okay, good talk.
So, listen, I'm gonna get back to my guitar now.
Do you mind if I listen for a while? I find you relaxing.
I respect that.
- The coast is clear.
- Okay.
I don't know why we're sneaking.
Why can't we just sign in? Because Emily has to do it.
Besides, my plan is so much better.
We're gonna light this garbage can on fire - Ooh - and then we're gonna wait for widespread havoc and general pandemonium to ensue.
Then we're gonna go inside and you're gonna audition for Hamburg.
Oh, you're a genius! - Ah, thank you.
I think I am, yes.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Hold on, I forgot the matches.
- What? Oh, now we'll never get in! I have the plan.
I saw some matches inside.
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sneak inside past the receptionist, get the matches, sneak back outside, and then light this garbage can on fire! Oh, I love show business.
Me, too.
I'm just an ordinary person here, of no particular origin.
As I was saying, I'm just an ordinary person here, of no particular origin, just returning this, uh, random geriatric to her urine-soaked bed.
Weren't you here earlier today? Uh, no, you must be clearly confusing me with someone else and his niece.
Oh, yeah.
Now I remember you.
Just go.
No, you don't remember me.
No, not at all.
I got the matches.
Let's go.
Oh, well, he's right here.
Can't I just perform for him now? Oh, good idea.
And we'll light the fire after.
Good plan.
Hello and welcome to my audition.
What? Mr.
Hamburg, I'm really looking forward to being in one of your upcoming movies.
Miranda can play any role imaginable.
Just watch this.
Miranda, show him sad.
Now, show him sadder.
Now, show him bored.
And elated.
Are you seeing this? Okay.
You are not impressed, but face acting is not everyone's cup of tea, so I know.
Can I can I sing now? Yes.
Now, Miranda will sing for you.
Miranda has the voice of an obese Viking princess.
And, Miranda, it's your time to sing.
Oh, what do you do When you're lookin' at me? You say Hey, that's a talented lady Hey, I should put her in my movie I agree with you, Mr.
Hamburg Pinky little toes Biggie little toes Put me in your movies - Miranda, are you serious? - Shh, I'm not done.
So, if you put me In one of your movies You'll get to see this every day Ooh, bravo! Oh, Bravo! Ooh, Bravo! Okay, you guys cannot be doing this here.
Okay, can you just leave? I just did an incredible performance.
I'm having a high, and you're coming in and making it a low.
- Can you please just - What? Mr.
Hamburg, I am so sorry.
What're you sorry about? That Miranda stopped singing? Mr.
Hamburg Mr.
Hamburg Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
He's dead.
- What? He's not dead! - Dead? - You guys killed him.
What did you do? - What? Nobody panic.
This isn't the first dead body I've been around.
What? If anyone asks, we were at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Uncle Jim, this is terrible.
- What about my career? - No! Oh, God! A man has died here! I know! We're very upset! Emily, get out of the way, okay? I need to mourn.
We were so close to getting me that movie deal.
- We were so close! - You're ridiculous! Stop! What you're crying about is so meaningless.
It's okay, sweetheart.
You go ahead and cry if you feel like crying.
Thank you.
I'm so emotional.
You know what? I need to go.
She's really upsetting me.
And I'm not in a good state of mind right now.
Let's get out of here.
Let's light the fire.
For some reason, business has been real slow today.
That's too bad.
I picked a scab yesterday.
Didn't even bleed.
Mmm, I love when that happens.
- What? - Hi, is this Miranda? - Yes.
- Miranda, hi.
This is Bob Hamburg's nephew, Ben.
I heard you were with my uncle when he died.
I had no idea you were that close to him.
So close.
When he died, there was no one closer to him than me.
Well, listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
I'm stuck in New York for the next few weeks, so, unfortunately, I'm not gonna be able to get to the funeral.
And I was wondering if you might say a few words about my uncle for me at the service.
Mmm, yeah.
I'd love to perform.
Bob was gonna help me with my acting career.
Well, listen, I'm in the industry, and, uh, if you're ever here in New York and you want to talk, please give me a call.
Did you even hear a word I said? I said I'm an actor.
I don't want some industrial job.
This funeral will have a real depressing vibe.
So we need to find a costume that will cheer everyone up.
Something colorful and spectacular.
How about a red feather boa? Oh, let's see.
Ooh, the daddy saddle! Wanna take it for a ride? No, we don't have time.
This eulogy is important.
Miranda, you're not doing the eulogy for Mr.
Hamburg, are you? Yes, she is.
Her big break.
- Isn't this exciting, Emily? - No, it's not exciting.
Guys, a eulogy is a sensitive and sacred thing.
Yeah, I know it's sacred.
That's why I'm using my sacred singing voice to honor him and to get more famouser.
There's gonna be lots of people there.
Hollywood movers and shakers, Emily.
Hamburg is in heaven now, so why don't you sing to him in the backyard, where he can hear you better? - How about that? - Emily, my special child.
It's hard to schmooze Hollywood movers and shakers from the backyard.
- And he's definitely not in heaven.
- Ah.
But - Ooh! A hat! - Ooh! A hat! What? - Hey.
- I hope you're not in too much pain today.
Oh! A sling.
So thoughtful.
- Yeah, go ahead.
Try it on.
- Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, wow.
- Thank you.
- So listen, there's a funeral coming up tomorrow at the church, and I was kind of wondering if you might wanna go with me.
You know, like a date.
Oh, Keith, I just couldn't.
Well, you know, Miranda is giving the eulogy tomorrow, and I just, I I don't know, if she ever knew I was on a date with you, it'd be like that whole thing I went through when I was pregnant with Emily, and No, thank you.
You're gonna be at the funeral.
I'm gonna be at the funeral.
We'll see each other there.
And no one will have the slightest idea that it's our first date.
Oh Really? Yeah.
- Okay.
- All right.
Just look for the girl with the slinky black sling.
I mean, I'll have on other things.
'Cause, otherwise, it would be very inappropriate.
- Excuse me, my lady.
- Oh.
Would you mind terribly if I sat near you without appearing conspicuous? Well, good sir, in a very platonic-looking way, I don't see why not.
Hmm, wonderful, friend.
Excuse me.
God bless you.
Perfect spot right here.
All right.
- Patrick.
- Hi.
I need you to talk to Miranda, okay? You have to stop her from doing this.
Stop her? She's gonna be great.
Okay, but it's not about Miranda being great, okay? It's about Mr.
We're supposed to be honoring his life.
Are you kidding? I couldn't think of a greater honor.
If you told me Miranda was gonna sing at my funeral, I would die tomorrow.
Look at her.
She moves like a meerkat.
Oh, this can't be good.
I'm so sorry.
Welcome to Bob Hamburg's funeral, everybody.
I'm your host, Miranda, and I'm about to give you the night of your life.
Five, six So what ya gonna do With all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'mma get-get-get-get you drunk Point to the casket Off my humps My humps, my humps My humps, my humps, my humps My humps, my humps, my humps My lovely little lumps Check it out Throw the glitter.
What? You're not gonna get up to the altar and sing that, are you? - Yeah.
It was amazing.
- Were you not watching? Oh, God.
No, no, no.
You can't sing that.
Okay, I picked a better song for you.
See, "Amazing Grace.
" And then I also wrote some words for you to say about Mr.
You know, respectful words.
Words that everyone here will appreciate and find comforting, and not offensive.
Okay, well I'm happy to see you're finally supporting me, Emily.
So, thank you for that.
Um, and also, thank you for this.
I think it will be very helpful.
Okay, good.
Well good luck then.
- Sweetheart - What I did not steal could you tell that goddess next to you that I love what she did with her black sling? the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.
He thinks you're a black goddess.
Let not those who hope in you be put to shame Will you tell him I said thank you and that I'm glad I came? She said she's glad and she came.
Thank you for coming.
God, I'm so emotional.
Oh, that's my niece.
You know, I prepared a speech for the occasion.
But now that I'm up here, I feel like it'd be better if I just spoke from my heart.
Too soon! Mr.
Hamburg died too soon.
There was so much more he could have done, he would have done for me.
It's a day that will forever live in inflammation.
Yeah, we debated that word, but I think it's correct.
I'll never forget how upset I was when he died.
Because that meant that he couldn't help me become a movie star, and now he's completely useless to me.
I know! Lousy luck, right? The freakin' worst.
So, anyways Bob is dead, but you guys are here.
Even though it looks like you won't be for much longer.
No offense.
No offense.
I have decided to perform for you guys, because I'm gonna be the bigger person.
I'm gonna sing a song that I prepared.
It will blow your minds.
Because I'm an incredible performer, and probably all of you guys will be able to help me out in becoming more famouser.
Maybe you can tell a friend or a family member about this amazing girl you saw at the funeral.
"Oh, what up, Mary? Just saw this really good girl.
She's so talented.
" You know? So, anyways I'm gonna sing a song for you guys now.
You'll see how talented I am and I'm definitely gonna get a gig.
So, welcome to the funeral, everybody! I'm so excited to be your host.
Amazing Grace How sweet the sound Emily, what are you doing? Emily, stop it.
Come on, everybody.
No, no, no.
Don't sing, everybody.
That's not part of the show.
Don't do that.
Emily, stop it.
That saved a wretch like me Emily, stop it! You are ruining my moment! Your moment? Miranda, we are not here for a show, okay? We're here to look at this dead man, say a few nice things about him, and then put him in the ground! What is your brain not comprehending about that? Okay, that is very rude.
We are here for a show.
- I think that's quite enough! - Did you not watch this whole thing? I'll take it from here.
Thanks a lot, Emily.
Emily, inappropriate.
Patrick you were right about that Miranda girl.
She is awesome.
You remembered her name.
It's the best funeral ever.
I didn't even get to the good part.
Emily came in and ruined everything.
No, no, no.
It was great.
You really made an impression, all right? Uh, I saw tears at this funeral.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
- Serious? - Mmm-hmm.
Right after the graveyard, these people are gonna go home, they're gonna look you up online, and your numbers are going to skyrocket.
- Yes! - I hope you both learned your lesson.
Uh, yeah.
I learned a lesson that you're a freakin' jealous hater who needs to get a life.
- Jealousy, Emily, is ugly.
- Really ugly.
You both are delusional.
Really, Emily? Delusions? Magic doesn't happen till phase five.
Yeah It's, uh, illusions.
- Right.
Well, same thing.
- Same thing.
- It's not the same thing.
- Yeah, you're illusional.
Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
I heard someone singing today, and she was horrible! Made me realize how much this person needs me.
'Cause sometimes no matter how hard you try or how badly you think you want something or how much time you put into it or how determined you are to make it happen you'll never be good enough.
And that's where I come in.
I should have done this sooner.
Oh, Danny boy The pipes The pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountain side The summer's gone And all the flowers dying Oh, Danny boy Oh, Danny boy I love you so I hope that helps.