Haters Back Off (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Starr off the Parade

1 Lots of you guys have been asking me to sing, so I know you like my singing.
You wouldn't request it if you didn't like it, so I'm gonna sing a song for a really big fan who requested it.
This song is for you.
Hope you guys like it.
If you see a faded sign At the side of the road that says Fifteen miles to the love shack Love shack, baby I'm headin' down the Atlanta highway - What do you think? - That was so good.
You're you're amazing.
My new fan, Patrice, requested it.
I'm gonna send her a headshot.
Oh, well Actually, I re requested it.
I'm Patrice.
Well, it was a a typo.
Mmm Well, who should I make it out to then? Patrice or Patrick? - Uh, either one.
- Okay.
How's your arm doing? Is a scab forming yet? You stabbed me in the perfect place.
So, it's it's healing up nicely.
You're welcome.
Um Miranda? There's something, uh that I wanna ask you.
Actually I've been wanting to ask you for a long time but I I was wondering if if it's not too much trouble if you would be open to the idea of maybe going on a date? With me.
Why? Um, that's a good question.
Maybe to see if we were compatible for potential marriage.
Marriage? Patrick, I'm famous now.
I can only date and marry famous people.
Plus, you're allergic to milk.
It'll never work.
I understand.
But maybe if if you ever change your mind You you could just let me know.
- You can leave now.
- Okay.
You want meat? Oh, yeah.
Order two half-pound patties Your kidney is failing.
The goal of treatment is to manage the pain and symptoms.
But with advanced PKD like yours, um dialysis, maybe even kidney transplant, may be necessary.
It It's important at a time like this to get support from family and friends.
It'll be okay.
Get the third one free.
That's what I call Hello, yes.
I was just looking at your ad online.
It says that you are taking submissions for an amateur movie.
I manage a girl who I think would be perfect.
Oh, yes.
Adults will love her.
Uh, now what's it called? King Kong Seven, uh Oh, "Dong," sorry.
I misheard you.
The TV is on very loud here, so it's hard to hear.
Um, bush? Let me check.
Miranda, when was the last time you trimmed your Chia Pet? This guy wants to know for a movie.
It's pretty bushy.
I haven't trimmed it in a while.
Okay, Uncle Jim.
You're gonna wanna hang up on that person.
I think you're right, Emily.
Sir, I'm gonna have to call you back.
The TV is on much too loud here.
Bethany, I can't get any work done with all that racket.
Are you looking for a mattress that won't break your back or the bank? Then you need to get in bed with Maureen the Mattress Queen! I want that crown.
Maureen the Mattress Queen.
Did I ever tell you guys that we went to high school together? - Yes.
- Well, I did.
I went to high school with her.
I know her.
Literally, every time that commercial comes on, you tell us that you knew her.
And then you make a joke about how you guys had chemistry together.
We had great chemistry together.
Me and Maureen.
- Chemistry class.
- Good one.
We just had chemistry class together, guys.
Nothing, nothing It was platonic.
Never gets old.
Come see the reason why I was named the grand marshal in the town parade for seven years running.
And come get in bed with Maureen the Mattress Queen.
What the heck? How come she gets to be in the parade? I'm way more famouser than her.
Uncle Jim! Miranda, you're right.
I just had the perfect idea.
She's got plenty of room at the top of that float.
We need to go down to the mattress store and tell her that this year she gets to have YouTube sensation Miranda Sings on her float.
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
Mom, I need you to sign this.
- What is it? - It's just a school thing.
Residential program? Yep.
And can you just sign right there? - Well, are you leaving? - No, it's it's, um It's for an art school.
Well, it looks like a school for really talented kids.
I mean, are you sure it's right for you? Wow.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.
I just I mean, you don't even know if you're gonna like it.
I mean, what if it doesn't work out? Sometimes you have to take a chance.
Do something you've never done before.
Especially if you have nothing to lose and I mean There's not much for me here now that it's impossible to make friends.
I'm sorry, Emily.
I just We need you here.
Okay? What the heck? None of these beds have any sheets.
Does she expect people to freeze to death at night? Probably.
- What are you doing? - Testing the coils.
Oh, that's nice.
Here's my secret.
This is actually one of my favorite mattresses in the store.
Miranda, get over here.
I need your help.
Lay down.
Get all the way over to the side like Bethany does.
It'd be really smart to get the lumbar spine in that Actually, sorry.
Can you hold on for a second? - Really enjoy that.
- Oh, yeah.
Look how much room I have.
I want this.
Well, well, well If it isn't little Jimmy, the flag twirler.
How many times do I have to tell you, Jimmy? You cannot loiter in my store.
Actually, today, I am not here to take a nap, Maureen.
You know what? I better check and make sure nothing's flammable around here.
Oh, sorry.
Because you burned down our school.
I didn't burn down the school.
Just the gym and the math lab and part of the science building.
- Yeah.
That's it.
- That's it.
I heard you got fired from your fish job, and now you're following your little niece around.
- Look who's talking.
- What? You don't even have a niece.
Ooh, burn! - Burn.
- Good one.
Family tree burn.
I don't have time for a niece.
Okay? I'm a queen.
I'm a grand marshal and I'm a goddess.
But are you a singer, dancer, actor, model, magician? Uh, what are you doing in my store, Jim? Okay.
I'll tell you.
I'm going to let you put YouTube sensation Miranda Sings on top of your float in exchange for this mattress and some sheets.
- And a pillow.
- And a pillow.
Going once, going twice Uh, Miranda, I will handle this.
- Going once, go - Let it go, Jim.
You're not getting a mattress and she's not going on my float, okay? What? What a rip off.
You know what? You're worse at negotiating than you are at ribbon dancing.
Maureen, you may be a mattress queen but you have no idea what I can do with 20 feet of ribbon.
They stopped me before the finale.
It would have been incredible.
Oh, sweetie.
Nothing you do is incredible.
- That's not true.
- Literally nothing.
- Yeah, nothing.
- I have a niece.
Yeah, he's got me.
Hello? - Sweetie? - Mmm-hmm? You, too, a little hint Get a new uncle.
- Don't tell - Get out of my store.
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
Out of my store.
- You get out of your store My store.
- Yeah.
You go.
You get out of your store.
Or you get a you get another store.
- Go get another store.
- Go! Hi, Bethany.
Keith, hi.
Yeah, it's been a while.
I stayed away out of respect.
But I can't stop thinking about you, so I figured I'd come and disrespect my respect.
Do you have your loyalty card? Actually, I have this coupon for the burn cream that this beautiful woman gave me once.
So, I figured I'd come down and redeem it.
It's expired.
That's all right.
I'll pay retail.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
It's $12.
Actually, I'm just gonna get the bagels.
- Uh - Oh.
You guys, uh, ran out of plain, so I had to go with the jalapeño.
Sometimes you got to try something new.
You do.
You know, Keith, um I think there might be another coupon in the back.
What? - Wow.
- This is so exciting.
I've been waiting for this, my broken dove.
Oh, oh uh, you don't have on your wrist brace.
- No.
- What? Wait, I can go out there and buy you one right now.
- A new sling if you want.
- No.
I don't need any of that.
You know, you do seem healthy.
- Do I? - Yeah.
Thank you.
You know what? 'Cause I feel good.
- Mmm.
Oh - So good.
- What? - No, I am needed back at the church.
- Oh! - Yeah.
It was really good bumping into you - Yeah.
- like this.
Well, when could we bump into each other again? - Uh - Are you going to the parade? Uh, I am.
And I'll I'll probably see you there.
- Okay.
- Right? - Okeydokey.
- Okeydokey.
This is ridiculous.
How come she gets to be the freaking grand marshal? Yeah.
Did you hear the stuff she said to me? She has no idea how I was gonna finish that pep rally.
I was gonna end it with a dance move that no one has successfully completed.
The liberty twirl.
You know, she's not even a real celebrity.
- Has she done the Five Phases of Fame? - I doubt it.
She's gonna be on the news and everything.
- This is so not fair! - Miranda, just stay calm! You need to do something.
I am gonna put together a top-notch color guard unit.
That'll show her.
Color guard? - What does that have to do with anything? - Oh, well.
Uh, uh we need a color guard to clear the way and lead you to the front of the parade, where you belong.
Ah, now it all makes sense.
Finally, I'll be at the front of the parade instead of the back with all the freakin' homeschoolers.
The homeschoolers? This is perfect.
Miranda, we just found our color guard.
Who? The homeschoolers.
Okay, well, it's Can you please stop? I'm starving and there's only half a bottle left.
All right.
Would you like one scoop or two? No scoops, thank you.
You are so weird.
Oh, there we go.
I'm just gonna plop this in here.
Oh, a surprise plop.
Lucky you.
I'll get you some of the crusty edge.
Oh, hold on.
Some of the crust is stuck to the spoon.
On behalf of myself and the entire Tacoma Harvest Homeschoolers Group, we'd like to thank you for taking interest in our parade activities this year.
We're so happy you're getting more involved.
Oh, well.
That's what I do best.
I make people happy.
So Hello, homeschoolers.
I am giving you the opportunity of a lifetime.
A chance to be a member of my elite color guard unit.
Oh, well, we already have plans.
You already have plans? Yeah.
Over here are some examples of some past parade banners that we've made.
Wait, what is this? Banners? - Over here are some swatches.
- Swatches? That's - Font styles.
- Fonts? And historical inspirations we can use for this year's banner.
Abigail, put that binder away.
I'm sorry.
Mom gave me a B-plus on it.
So, I guess I was just being a little bit prideful.
- You got a B-plus on that? - Ew! That's garbage, Abigail.
You should be homeschooled by another mother.
Now, listen up, people.
Flag waving is more than just waving flags.
There are five phases to becoming an elite flag waver.
Visualization, grip, dazzle, song choice, dance moves, precision and facial expressions.
Was that five? Yeah, that was five.
I think.
That was five.
We're saying that was five.
- Patrick, yes.
- Can I try? Oh! You want to try, huh? No warm-up.
No demonstration.
You want to give it a whirl? Okay.
Uh, come on, Patrick.
This will be good.
Here's a flag.
This is the Called the flag.
This is the pole.
This is the part you hold onto.
See how you can do it, Mr.
Wrong! Wrong.
All wrong.
Give me that.
No, all wrong.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just I just Those were just some sword flourishes that I thought would translate nicely to the flags.
But - Uh, but they didn't.
- I know.
- I thought it was all right.
- No.
Take a seat.
Oh, sure, it looked okay, but there's a lot more to performing than how well you do it.
I mean, he just jumped right in there without any warm-ups.
That's sloppy.
Now, any of you other smart alecks want to give it a try? No.
Then watch the master at work.
Style and substance.
Miranda, you're up next.
Ugh! I don't want to wave a stupid flag.
I want to ride a horse.
I told you that.
You can't ride a horse! Horses get spooked by flags.
And then they kick a little kid.
And then the little kid with a smashed-in face Then his mother's mad and the mother won't go out with you.
- And it's a whole deal.
- Hmm, okay.
Oh, what if ride you on the daddy saddle through the parade? No.
I have to ribbon dance! I mean, so I can lead you to the front of the parade, where you belong, on your, uh, float.
A float? Patrick, make Miranda a float.
I'll build you the exact float you're hoping for, Miranda.
Well, it better actually float, though.
Patrick, you are dismissed.
You are not cut out for this.
- Oh, I have a question.
- Yes.
May I please leave? This is very boring.
Uh, my presentation is boring? No, they are very boring.
Look at them.
- But flag waving is not boring? - You said it, not me.
- Yes, you may leave.
- Okay, thank you.
You should go for it.
- What? - The art school.
I don't want you to give up on something that you really want to do.
Thank you.
Do you want to see what I've been working on? I was gonna take a nap.
Uh, yes.
I would like that.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow! Look at all this.
Uh, well uh, what do you think? Oh, I I really like this one.
Yeah, that's my favorite, too.
Yeah? It's so hopeful.
What's it called? The Never-Ending Abyss.
I thought it was a hat.
This doesn't even look like a float.
How are we going to beat Maureen the Mattress Queen in this? Well, it isn't exactly finished, but we should practice driving because I won't be able to see when I'm inside it.
Okay, fine.
You should probably hold on so you don't fall off.
Oh, okay.
What I'm about to do is for your safety.
I respect your honor.
- Your tummy's growling.
- Sorry.
- Do you have gas? - Maybe.
I'm nervous.
- Then I won't squeeze too hard.
- Thank you.
So I was thinking about that date Patrick, I told you that's impossible.
Go! Well, I was thinking that maybe if I listed some of my qualities, that would help with your decision.
One, gentleman.
Two, protector.
- Three, I can make my own soap.
- Oh, watch out, there's a dog! Just kidding! Got you good.
Good one.
So Mom tells me that you're painting a lot more lately.
I think that's really great.
- You do? - Mmm-hmm.
I just said so.
Yeah, I was really excited to hear about it 'cause it means that you can paint my float for me.
There it is.
So you need to be done by the morning, or else you're fired.
Okay, Miranda, I'm not helping you.
What? Why not? You're not even doing anything.
Actually, I'm putting together my portfolio to try to get into art school.
Okay? - I can't screw this up.
- Mmm Ai! Well, now that I'm looking at your pictures, I don't really want you to paint my float.
No offense.
You're just not very good, so See you later, alligator.
Mmm Okay.
Just this is a really horrible door.
Just leave it.
Well, are you sure you don't want me to go with you? No, I am fine.
Thank you.
Okay, well I think I'll go to the parade then.
Better hurry.
Miranda's gonna need someone to blame when she ruins everything and she's gonna be looking for you.
Well, I hope she's not the only one looking for me.
- I'm talking about Keith.
- What? Mom, you can't go back to Keith.
He has a weird fetish for sick people.
Oh, that is nonsense.
Yesterday, he said I looked healthy when we were making out in the grocery store.
- We went by the supply closet and - Hey, Mom, stop.
This is something we really need to talk about.
- I - No, no.
We can talk later.
You should go on your interview.
It's too important.
Okay, yeah.
I'm really proud of you.
Go get 'em! Is that what you say for art? I don't know.
There she is.
It's time to rewrite history, kids.
Now! Hit it, Patrick! No one cuts in front of Maureen the Mattress Queen! Come on, Sean! Faster! She's gaining on us! Hurry! Faster, Sean! Faster! Go! Faster! Go! Come on, Patrick! Pedal to the metal! Faster, Sean! Use your balls! Sean! You fool! - Watch this! - Sean! - Watch this! - Sean! In your face! We did it, Patrick! We did it! We did it? We did it! We did it! This is the worst day of my life, Sean! Giddy up! Sean! This is Get out of the car and pick up my crown, Sean.
Thank you all! I'm such a blessing to be here today.
Miranda! Miranda! That's my daughter! Keith! Keith! Oh! Can I get two, please? Thank you so much.
All right.
Let's show 'em what we got! Hey, I'm here! Grand marshal's here.
You could take a picture.
We are the winners Watch us glimmer Like the sunset of champions We're in control Body and soul We push ourselves to the maximum The champions, the champions We are the champions Oh, don't take pictures of my uncle, please.
Take pictures of me.
So So, anyways, um my uncle's still dancing.
So annoying.
The liberty twirl! Oh, the liberty twirl! The liberty twirl! Oh! Clear out.
I didn't know you had it in you, Jimmers.
Oh, I have it in me.
I have it deep in me, Maureen.
What is wrong with you? I thought we were enemies who fell in love despite our differences.
You're so weird.
I may be weird, but I'm on top of the color guard world.
And you're not.
Patrick! - We won! - What? - We won the whole parade! - Whoa! You're amazing at float driving.
You were my eyes.
And you were my bottom.
- You're sweating really hard.
- So are you.
You're still beautiful though.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Does this mean we can go on a date sometime? Okay.
We should probably get out of here.
This float's on fire.
Yeah, I noticed.
I didn't want to say anything.
Painting is the only time I don't feel like I'm drowning in chaos.
You know, I can I can kind of swim through it.
And I'm in a place that's mine and nobody else's and things make a little more sense.
Hopefully, you guys will see that come through in my work.