Home Improvement s02e20 Episode Script

What gadget do you have for us today, Al? Well, Tim, I think I have an interesting item.
A light bulb that is guaranteed to last 100 years.
Al, that's that's not really that new.
It's been around quite awhile.
Well, perhaps.
But this is guaranteed to last to prove it.
How do you know the company will be around a hundred years? Well Uh Someone will be held responsible.
- How many of these did you buy? - Well, Tim, I Just that one.
And they said it was good for a hundred years.
Ah! There's the theme music.
You know what time that means it is.
Time to hear another word from Binford about some of their fine new products.
That's right.
I'd like to introduce you to Binford's small line of industrial magnets.
The MiniMag 100 is perfect for picking up screws and nails.
It can also pick up small tools that have carelessly been dropped behind the workbench.
Perhaps the fault of a coworker.
And the MiniMag 2000.
Small, but powerful.
This would suck the Tin Man right through a keyhole.
Well, it was designed to pick up sheet metal, so you'll want to keep it pointed Tim No, no.
Just slide it straight down.
Tim Pretty powerful little thing, isn't it? Marv, pull it back! Marv! Oh! We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? All right.
All right.
All right, guys.
Attention on deck.
I got all the snacks ready for the game of the century.
The Pistons versus the Bulls.
Michael Jordan, Isiah Thomas.
Ah! - What'd you get? - All right.
Cheese nutrition.
Cheese Doodles, Cheese Oodles, Cheese Curls, Cheese Puffs - teeth-stainin', artery-blockin', stomach-bloatin' - Gee, no dessert? - Yes.
Cheesecake.
- You want to join us? - You know I'd love to, but my jock is in the wash.
Would you come out in the garage? I want to talk to you for a minute.
- She just can't get enough of me.
- Nope.
What's up? My computer crashed.
I gotta go to work today and recreate all of the research for next week's lead article.
It means I can't take Mark to the ballet.
Mark was really looking forward to going to Swan Lake with you.
What are you gonna do? Gonna get you to do it.
- Me? - Yeah.
Back the tutu up, honey.
- Honey, you have to.
- No.
I already had to miss that that Cub Scout pancake thing a week ago because of work.
I don't want to disappoint him again.
- Ask Karen.
- I did.
Karen's busy.
Everybody is busy.
She suggested you.
No.
Absolutely not.
Tim, look.
Mark has really been looking forward to this ever since he saw The Nutcracker on TV.
It really means a lot to him.
Give him a ticket and call him a cab.
Tim! He can take my car.
Put a pillow in there, he'll look like Grandma with just his knuckles showing.
"I can't see anything.
" Tim, you know, you might enjoy this.
It's a great story.
It's about the power of undying love.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boy meets bird.
Boy loses bird.
Boy pan fries bird.
Not exactly.
It's about this princess and her friends.
They're hanging out at the lake.
And this evil sorcerer comes along and turns them all into swans.
Well, then the prince, Ziegfried, comes along to hunt the swans - weapons, bows and arrows - and the princess says, "Please, I'm not a swan.
" "I'm really just a person.
Don't kill me.
" So it's a swan with an identity crisis.
OK.
Let's try another story.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful, lovely and talented queen who was married to an evil king, the King Selfish.
Mmm, I'm gonna like this guy.
Yeah, you would like this guy.
He has a low-rated tool show where most of the work is done by his assistant, the Earl of Al.
Anyway, our kind and sensitive and breathtakingly beautiful queen wanted a knight in shining armor to come and take the young princeling to the palace dance festival.
I hate ballet.
I hate it.
You go to the ballet, you burp, people are going, "Shh, quiet!" "Hiss! Shhh!" Tim, I took those kids to the monster truck rally for you.
- Do you remember that? - Uh-huh.
Ten to one, no one there went, "Hey, lady! Quiet! You're burping!" "I can't hear Fordzilla!" All right, all right, all right.
I'll take him.
I'll tape the game on ye old royal VCR.
Thank you.
You are my favorite knight.
And later on, I'll make sure you have your favorite night.
Now, remember, if this doesn't work out, I'm not gonna be able to leave you alone again.
Mom, don't worry about us.
We can handle it.
Well, good.
'Cause you know, I'd like to be able to leave you for a few hours in the middle of the day and know that you guys are gonna be OK.
You can! Are you gonna call before you come home? Why are you asking me that? No reason.
Yeah, right.
I think that you should know that I could be home at any moment.
Now, Wilson is gonna be next door the whole time if you need anything.
And here are the emergency numbers right here.
We know.
We know.
We call them all the time for Dad.
Yeah.
They're handsome.
They're virile.
They even changed their underwear.
So, what? You're wearing his? He's wearing yours? And his are a little tight.
But they're so attractive.
Oh, you all look great.
Hey, Dad.
Have fun at Swine Lake You guys are just jealous because you don't get to dress up and look cool like Mark and I.
Now listen, I want you guys to have fun.
But, Mark, this is a grown-up place and I want you to be on your best behavior.
And remember, Tim, this is a grown-up place, and I want you to be on your best behavior.
We know it's a cultural event.
We'll make you real proud.
All right.
Hey, lady! You in the beak! Nice jump! Go, swans, go! Go, swans, go! Go, swans, go! - Hey, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.
Well, my, my, my, don't you look spiffy for the ballet today.
- You heading out? - Thank you.
As a matter of fact we are.
Keep a close watch on these guys, will you? And thanks very much for doing it.
You should see us about 5:00.
Mm, anytime.
Boy, it's too bad you're busy today.
I've got two free tickets to the Pistons/Bulls game.
Oh! Ohh! It's a shame.
First row.
- No! - Mm-hm.
Courtside.
No way! Courtside? Let me just take a look at them.
This is down these are right behind the players' bench.
- How did you get these? - Radio call-in contest.
They asked the name of the astronomer famous for his three laws describing the motion of the planets around the sun.
And I was the 15th caller that knew that it was, indeed, Johannes Kepler.
There were 14 other people that knew that? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Boy, these are just these are just unbelieve Oh, man.
I mean, once in a lifetime that you get to sit back there with those play Mm-hm.
- I'd give my left arm for these.
- Mm-hm.
Well, it's a shame.
- I'll just have to throw them out.
- Oh! Don't throw them out.
Don't throw them out.
I think I I gotta find somebody I'll find somebody to use those tickets.
- Here you go.
- Hey, thanks.
Oh, my pleasure.
Dad, you ready to go to the ballet? Let's go to that ballet.
Come over here, quick, quick, quick, quick! All right, you know what these are? These are courtside seats to the Pistons/Bulls game.
We'd sit so close, they might ask us to play.
Wow! Darn right.
Well, you want to go? No.
I want to see the swans.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
Courtside.
Right up front.
Michael Jordan.
Won't Mom be disappointed? Yeah, yeah.
She would, wouldn't she? Don't wanna disappoint her.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
We might be able to do both.
That ballet starts about Tip off's at two.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Will the ballet be over by two? Not over over.
Most of the ballet's the first 20 minutes anyway.
After that, the real dancers get tired and they send in the second string goes in and dances.
I don't know.
Come on.
All right, um All the hot dogs and soda you want.
- I don't think so.
- All right.
All right.
I'll buy you one of those big foam fingers.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Wow! Let's go! - All right! Hey, Randy, check it out.
I found Mom's stash of cookies.
Turn on the game.
I will.
I will.
After I smoke my cigar.
Whoa, cool.
Where did you get that? Dad's sock drawer.
He's got a whole box.
That's why his socks smell so bad.
No.
I think that's why this cigar smells so bad.
Well, let's smoke it.
How do you light it? I think you're supposed to bite off the end first.
Well, you're not supposed to eat it.
- Just light the cigar.
- Not in here.
It smells.
- Outside.
- OK.
Wait a minute.
Cigars and cookies.
We're men.
Does your mouth still taste nasty? Yeah, it tastes like chocolate chip cookies and Dad's socks.
Whoo! You still smell like smoke.
Spray me with that air freshener again.
Brad, Randy, where'd you guys go?! Hey.
- Dad's here.
- Quick, hide the can.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Well, congratulations.
- The house is in one piece.
- Thank you.
And you thought you couldn't trust us.
Hm.
What's that smell? It's a new cologne Jennifer gave me.
Euf! I'd take it back.
It smells like air freshener.
- Well, can we go to Billy's? - Yeah.
I'll call you for dinner.
Bye, Dad.
Love you, Dad.
Bye.
Dad, the game was great.
You bet it was.
Courtside, front row, you and me.
- That's the way to see B-ball.
- Yeah.
Do you think that referee's still mad at you? He knows I was just stretching my legs.
I wasn't trying to trip him.
You know, Dad, I liked the basketball game a lot better than the ballet.
Oh, that's exactly what you do not want to say to your mom.
Why not? Because she wanted you to go to the ballet.
You wanted to go to the ballet.
And I don't think she's gonna be all that happy about us going to the basketball game.
You said she'd be all for it.
I say strange things when I got courtside tickets right in my hand.
The truth is we are going to be in a lot of trouble.
What are we gonna do? We can't lie.
We're not going to lie to her.
We just gotta tell her in the right way You know, I'll tell her later.
We're just delaying the truth.
- Oh, hi, guys! - Hey, hey.
So how did Brad and Randy do? Brad and Ran? Oh, they did great.
The house is good.
They're at Billy's.
- So how was the ballet? - It was wonderful.
Yeah? Did you enjoy it, Mark? He loved it! - Did you, Mark? - Every bit of it.
Would you let Mark answer? What did you think about it? Wasn't it a great story? What is this? You got some mustard on your shirt? We had hot dogs at halftime.
At intermission, you had hot dogs.
Maybe you should go change that shirt and get that mustard out of there before it sets in the stain.
Since when do they serve hot dogs at intermission? It's children's day today.
They had hot dogs, bratwurst, you know, nachos with that drippy cheese and everything, and swan cookies.
Tim, why do I get the feeling that you did not go to the ballet today? That's stupid.
I brought the program home.
- It's right there.
- Oh.
Oh, gee, it is.
Well, so, what did you think of it? What did I think? It was it was tragic and breathtaking.
Really? One of the most beloved ballets of all time.
Here's what Robert Baker of Detroit Arts Magazine has to say about this: "Tragic and breathtaking.
" "One of the most beloved ballets of all time.
" What are the odds? You know that he and I would have the same opinion? You know, that's You didn't go to the ballet, did you? Yes, I did.
Then how does it end? The audience wakes up and stumbles to their car.
Oh, no.
So they sold this right alongside the little swan cookies, is that right? Wilson gave me some tickets to the basketball game just before I left.
So, you went there instead.
No.
Actually, we went to the ballet and the basketball We just left the ballet a little early.
So how long did you stay? Five minutes? Oh, come on.
We stayed 30 minutes.
Tim, I have been trying to expose the boys to something other than sports, tools and cars.
I mean, Brad has zero interest.
Randy's light is barely flickering.
I had a chance with Mark.
Why did you have to go and ruin that? I didn't ruin it.
Now listen to me for a minute.
Courtside, players' bench, these are very amazing seats.
- You don't get - I don't care! You taught Mark something today! You taught him that basketball is cool and ballet is stupid.
You're overreacting.
I did not tell him any of that.
He does not think ballet is stupid.
We were only there 30 minutes.
Now had he been there for the whole thing, he might have Oh, come on! Wilson, what are you doing? Oh, just doing a little spring cleaning, Tim.
Beating the dust out of my rug.
I thought you had your own hair.
Oh, that's a good one, neighbor.
By the way, did you find anybody to take those basketball tickets off your hands? Uh, as a matter of fact, I took Mark to the game.
And I've got to thank you for the best seats I've ever had at a basketball game.
Really? I thought you were going to the ballet.
Uh, well tried to do both.
Well, very good.
Basketball and ballet in the same day.
You're raising your boys to be Renaissance men.
Actually, I'm not interested in Renaissance men.
I think ballet's stupid.
Really? Why do you think it's stupid? - It's ballet.
- Uh-huh.
What is it that you don't enjoy about it? It's ballet.
Well, Tim, I think we've established that.
How much ballet have you actually seen? Well, counting the 30 minutes I saw today, about 36 minutes, lifetime total.
Uh-huh.
Well, then I would have to say that your opinion is based on ignorance.
You just called me ignorant? Well, when it comes to ballet, I guess I did.
Ignorance is a breeding ground for prejudice.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
You ask anybody.
I'm not a prejudiced guy.
Not against people.
Perhaps against ideas, though.
See, Tim.
Anytime a man forms an opinion that's not based on facts, then he's a fool.
Oh, great, great, great.
Now I'm an ignorant, prejudiced fool.
Mm-hm.
- I found this in Mark's room.
- Thanks.
About yesterday, I want to reiterate that getting courtside tickets front row is a very big deal.
Tim, I'm happy that you were there to spend the day with Mark.
But every weekend, you know, it's always these "guy" things.
You know, there's basketball, the hot rod, grunting, making noises on the couch.
It's like, um, this is a boys club.
You know, no girls allowed.
Girls are allowed.
You just can't make the same noises we can.
You know, you don't have to like the things that I like.
Whew.
Thank you.
I just want to make sure that you make it OK for the boys to like the things that I like.
Let them make up their own minds, OK? Point well taken.
I understand it.
You know, we did go to the ballet, you know? And I did enjoy it.
You enjoyed it? Not the whole half hour.
But I don't know what the guy's name was.
This one guy, twiddle toes, he was, like, real athletic.
This guy was jumping up in the air.
I mean, if he had a basketball, he could have slam-dunked that thing anywhere in the NBA.
I think you might really enjoy ballet.
Why don't you just go with me sometime? Eh, the stories are a little slow.
Men need more excitement.
So, I've I had an idea.
- What? - I created a ballet of my own.
I don't think the dance world is ready for this.
Ah, I think you're wrong.
Come sit on the couch here.
I made this tape for people who are prejudiced against the ballet, OK? OK, welcome to the More Power Ballet Hour What? Tonight's feature is Prince Ziegfried in Eat My Dust Oh, it's a happy day in the village.
The peasants are awaiting the arrival of the talented Prince Ziegfried.
There he is, the prince now.
Oh, look.
The prince slam dunks.
Whoo! Nice.
And the peasants rejoice.
But just then the evil baron escapes his dungeon.
And Ziegfried's army pursues him.
Go, go, go, go, go! The baron is tackled at about the 37-yard line.
And the peasants rejoice.
But Ziegfried, wanting to escape his enemies, mounts his trusted steed and pulls a 6-5 ET at 220 miles an hour.
And the peasants rejoice.
Look at those guys.
Hence, the title of my piece, Eat My Dust.
or The Peasants Rejoice Look at this! Look what I found.
Looks like one of my cigars out of my sock drawer.
Yeah, it is.
I also found it with this little crumpled up bag of cookies.
- Your stash? - My stash.
Thus ends our no-baby-sitter experience.
I think we should get those boys down here so we can punish them.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.
I got a better idea.
- What? - Just follow my lead.
Go get your coat.
Boys, come on down here! Quick! Hurry up! You gotta watch Mark for a little bit.
We gotta take Wilson to the emergency room.
- Why? - What's the matter? I gave him one of those cigars that I hid in my sock drawer.
He's real sick.
Evidently the tobacco was infected or something.
Infected tobacco? Boy, is he feeling bad.
He's got this rash up his leg, head to toe.
He's itching like crazy.
And he's got hair growing out of his knuckles.
Yeah, he does.
I saw it.
It's gross.
- See you later.
- Watch Mark, all right? You know, I'm sorta starting to itch.
Yeah, me too.
Maybe we better go to the hospital with Mom and Dad before that hair starts to grow.
- Busted! - Busted! Three, two.
And there Pasquini knife, has two different spoons.
Never mind, start over, please? There's no spoons on this.
Pasquini knife, has two corkscrews, four gun sites.
Gun sites? Two corkscrews, a toothpick, 32 blades, The Pasquini knife here can scare off an intruder while giving him a pedicure.
Anyway, Gadget Corner is