Home Improvement s02e21 Episode Script

Welcome back to Tool Time Now, when selecting your wood for your deck, you want to use cedar or redwood, 'cause they won't rot or decay from the moisture.
That's also why poplar is quite "poplar.
" And once you finish that deck, you've got your springtime there.
It's spring, Klaus.
How about some springtime? Spring, nice weather, the birds Hey, hey, hey! You get your deck finished, you just kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
- Right, Al? - I wouldn't know, Tim.
You're fruiting, I'm still laboring.
Anyway, Al, as you can see, is bracing and blocking in between the joists here.
That's right.
And if you use this procedure, your deck will be able to support a great deal of weight.
As many as 12 party guests and a barbecue.
Or my mother-in-law.
Now, next week there'll be no more Nana jokes about her weight.
Because they're cheap and easy, and I'm above that.
And she's coming to town next week.
But that's next week.
So this week it's open season on that wildebeest.
Al, did I tell you the time that Nana didn't shave her chin for three days, and two bison followed her home? Tim, I believe our show today is about decks.
That's right.
And I certainly know my way around a deck.
Let's get into the construction technique, can we? Now, the footing here holds the post.
The post is connected to the beam.
The beam is connected to the joist.
The joist is connected to the hipbone.
The hipbone's connected to the thighbone.
- Al, take it.
Come on, buddy.
- Not in this life, Tim.
And once you get your deck finished, it's solid enough even Nana could jump on this thing.
Tim, you don't No, you don't Binford Sealant.
You can pick it up at your local store.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? - Hi, Mom.
Is Nana here yet? - No, not yet.
Don't put your books on the table! Don't walk on the floor, I just mopped it.
Hi, guys.
- Freeze.
- Oh, lady, lady.
Come on.
All the dust I have is in my back pocket, right there.
I got a little extra lint in my bellybutton.
I've just mopped the floor.
I don't want you to walk on it.
Take off your shoes.
Hey, guys, take all of that stuff upstairs and hide it.
Every time your mom comes here, you turn into Helga the psycho-cleaner.
I do not.
I'm just tidying up a bit.
Don't touch that.
You're gonna get fingerprints all over it.
How do you see out of the back of your head? And don't laugh at all those embarrassing stories my mother tells when she gets here.
They're not really embarrassing.
Some of them are really kinda funny.
My favorite is when you dove off the high-dive as a kid, and the top of your bathing suit came off and the lifeguards were using them as a slingshot.
Oh, boy.
That wasn't funny at all.
You see, this is just what I mean.
Mom always thinks that stuff like that is funny.
And if she knew anything about me, she'd realize that those stories are painful to me.
If they're so painful, why don't you just tell her that? I can't tell my mother.
Why can't you tell your mother? It's old stuff, Tim, you know? Just stay out of it, OK? All right, all right.
I'm neutral.
I'm Switzerland.
I have no opinion.
- Hi, Dad.
- Buddy.
What's Nana gonna get me for my birthday? Well, I don't know, honey.
You're just gonna have to wait and see when she gets here.
Birthday boy.
Or should I say birthday man? A year older.
That peach fuzz is turning into a little five o'clock shadow.
I ordered the balloons and the pinata today.
Well, cancel the order.
This kid is the big 0-8.
Halfway to driving age.
I'm thinking Indy 500 birthday.
Checkered flags, maybe food Ah, I'm starting to get it.
We could make a cake in the shape of a car.
Racecar cake.
Oh! Penske Lola chassis, titanium valves and all that stuff.
Kevlar tub.
Come on, honey.
Join in.
Let's grunt as a family.
That's my mom.
Brad - Randy - Mark! Go and comb your hair.
Tim? - I have no opinion.
- Good.
She's a little early.
I didn't have time to widen the doorframe.
No more fat jokes.
Tim, Tim! - Ta-da! - Whoa! Where's the rest of you? Are you coming in shifts? - Mom! - Ta-da! You didn't tell me you lost all that weight.
Are you all right? Oh, I'm fine.
I wanted to surprise you.
- Well, you did.
Mom, you look sensational.
- Oh, thank you.
- Well? - Well, well You do look sensational.
I can't remember being able to hug you and touch my hand.
- Well, here, come on.
Sit down.
- Here, I'll take your coat.
All right, thank you.
Oh, my, Jill.
Oh, honey.
This looks very nice.
Well, thank you.
I didn't even have time to clean.
Oh.
How is that new job going? It's good, it's great.
You know, it's just that it's kinda hard 'cause I have to juggle the kids, and the job, and the time is always Oh, well.
Life is hard.
You just have to buck up and do it.
Right.
Right.
Well, Mom, you really you look amazing.
Oh, well, thank you, honey.
- I owe it all to Tim.
- How's that? Those Nana jokes on Tool Time were the best motivation a fat person could have.
What jokes? I wouldn't make jokes about you on the air.
- Oh, you wouldn't, would you? - No.
Well, does this sound familiar? What weighs 400lbs 2oz and sings in the shower? Nana holding a bar of soap.
That's funny, though.
- Did you tell her I said that? - No.
You don't get Tool Time in Texas.
- We bought a satellite dish.
- Oh.
All the neighbors All the neighbors come over to watch the show.
- Dad and I are real celebrities.
- Hey, good.
Yes.
Of course, I tell everyone my son-in-law is Al.
Do you want something to drink? Shot and a beer? Oh, Tim.
Those days are over.
It's grapefruit juice for me from now on.
All right.
Nothing for me, Tim.
Hey, guys, come on down here.
Hustle up.
Half your grandma showed up.
- Well, I'm sorry that Daddy couldn't come.
- Oh, well.
You know the colonel.
He had to make one of his boring speeches at the officers' club.
Well, it really it is just incredible how great you look.
It's just great.
Oh, well, thank you, honey.
You know, it's really a simple diet.
I have a copy of it in the car.
All it takes is a little willpower.
- Nana! - Ooh, there's my boys.
- Whoa, you're skinny.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- All right, fall in.
Ten-hut.
- Hut.
At ease, men.
Now give me some sugar.
Oh, Mark.
My birthday boy.
Randy, sweetie pie.
Best sugar in town, right here.
Oh, Brad, you handsome thing.
How many dates have you had lately? - No, Mom.
He's too young to date.
- Oh, well, won't be long now.
Oh, Jill, I remember your first date.
It was Jake Tyler.
He got - Mom, nobody wants to hear this story.
- Yeah, we do! Yeah! - I think we should hear it.
- Jake Tyler.
- Actually, I have no opinion.
- Oh, Jill, I can just see you.
You had on that lime-green miniskirt that showed your cute little pudgy knees.
I didn't have pudgy knees! But she was so nervous that night, instead of deodorant, she sprayed on insect repellent! It was only under one arm.
It's not that funny.
It's not that funny.
But maybe next time you should just hang a No-Pest strip.
- Did you bring us any candy? - Candy? Well, what do you think? Mom, Mom, please.
Not before dinner.
Oh, your mother's right.
But I do have a surprise for you.
There are presents for everyone out in the car.
Go get 'em.
I saw that.
Well, one little candy bar won't hurt them.
Isn't that right, Tim? I have no opinion.
Oh, Jill.
I can't wait for you to see what I got for you.
- For me? - Yes.
Since Dad and I are moving into that new condo, I've decided to give you and your sisters some things from the house.
Oh, I've picked out something that I know has special meaning for you.
Oh, I wonder if those boys can handle that box.
- I'll get it, Mom.
- No.
No.
Better not.
It's breakable.
Something breakable.
Something that has meaning.
- Oh, gosh, I hope it's that clock.
- Which clock? You know, that beautiful antique wood clock they have? The one that has that stupid chime that wakes me when we stay there? I love that clock.
You know, when Daddy was moving us around from base to base and house to house all the time, no matter where we were, when I heard that clock, I always knew that I was home.
All right.
Thanks a lot, Brad.
Put it on the table, honey.
- Be careful, boys.
- Guess what's in these boxes.
Nana got Mark a drum set for his birthday.
Yeah.
Guys, let's go beat on them upstairs.
Drums? You you got him drums? - Lillian, do you really hate me that much? - Yes.
Oh.
Jill, I know you've had your eye on this for a long time.
Oh, Mom! Whenever I look at it I'm just I'm gonna think of tea.
It's a tea set.
- That's right.
Yeah.
- Who's the rest of this stuff for? Oh, the candlesticks are for Katie, and the clock is for Robin.
Robin.
Well, I-I hope that she loves it as much as I love this.
Oh, good, honey.
Ooh, I hear music.
I'm going up to see my little Buddy Rich.
Nice tea set.
It's really it's That's chipped.
What a shame.
That means it's antique.
And that's good.
It's no reason to be upset.
I'm not upset.
I just thought that she should know how I feel about the clock.
- Why don't you tell her? - Can't.
Yes, you can.
"Mom, I want the clock.
" That's not how we do things in my family.
We don't talk about our feelings.
You know that.
Yes, I do know that.
And this happens every time your mom comes to visit.
And where does she get off, losing all that weight? You said she looks spectacular.
Feeds me chicken, fried steak and gravy for 20 years.
- Shows up here all thin, with drums.
- Oh.
Tells me my house looks "nice.
" You know, I know what's going on here.
You know what's going on here? - You know exactly what's go - What, Tim? I have no opinion.
There, now.
I think that looks lovely.
Yeah.
Now we have a tea set, but we don't know what teatime is without a clock.
Lillian, do you know what time it is? - No, I didn't put on my watch today.
- Gosh darn it.
There's a clock right here on the oven, Tim.
I know, but those oven clocks are so small.
What we need is a big old antique clock.
Go to London.
- Mom, what are you doing there? - I'm slicing marshmallows for the tires.
Well, no.
The tires are gonna be those chocolate doughnuts.
Oh.
Well, then the marshmallows can be the hubcaps.
No.
The peppermint candies are gonna be the hubcaps.
I thought the marshmallows were gonna be the shock absorbers.
Did anybody ask your opinion? I have no opinion.
- Hi-ho, Tim.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Boy, you are just the man I wanna see.
- Yeah? I've got a birthday present for Mark.
Oh, that's nice of you, but I don't think I want to pierce his ears so early.
No, no, no, no, no, Tim.
It's not an earring.
It's a dream catcher.
Children of the Chippewa Indians hang them in their window at night to catch the bad dreams.
Then in the morning the sunshine whisks the bad dreams away.
You got anything that'll whisk a mother-in-law away? - Nana problems, Tim? - Nah, nah.
It's Jill.
She thinks her mom doesn't understand her, but she never tells her how she feels, so her mom doesn't really understand that she doesn't understand.
- I understand.
- What is it with women? Her mom brought gifts.
She gave Jill a tea set and gave her sister Robin this clock.
Well, Jill wants the clock.
Why can't she just say, "I want the clock"? Well, Tim, these are complicated things and it has been a few years since I read My Mother.
My Self Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back the bookmobile up.
You read a book called My Mother/My Self? It was the '70s, Tim.
It was an open time.
I remember the '70s.
Mood rings eight-track cassettes.
You see, Tim, once the baby girl comes out of the mother's womb, she spends the rest of her life trying to separate from her.
They are separate.
They live in different states.
No, no.
No, Tim, I'm talking about emotional separation.
You see, subconsciously, Jill may feel that if she doesn't want what her mother gives her, she's being disloyal to the person who gave her life.
What? Why do women get so confused about this stuff? I lived in a family of all boys.
We were very clear about our communication.
If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.
Well, that's very effective, but crude.
Right.
You know, I think I could help these two ladies out.
If I could just sit them down and tell them exactly what's going on.
No, no, no, Tim.
Throughout history, many truths have passed from man to man, and the one truth that transcends all cultures is: "When mother-in-law visits, man should stay in garage.
" I got a lot of work to do on the hot rod.
Might as well just close the door and start her up.
Oh, Lillian, you've finished the cake.
Mark's gonna love that.
It's beautiful.
Tim, I want to talk to you about Jill.
- I think she's upset.
- I'm going to the garage.
She ate up all the hubcaps, and then she went upstairs.
I gotta do some work on the hot rod, OK? Please? Please? - Tim.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Tim.
I think I know why Jill is so tense.
- You do? - Yes.
So she shared her feelings with you? - Well, not in so many words.
- Well? - But I think it's pretty clear - Uh-huh? that you two are having intimacy problems.
What? No.
No.
No.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
This sort of thing can happen after 15 years.
Stop Don't Come on Put it Here, here.
I'm still happening.
Well, all right, but if you and Jill are having problems It's not between me and Jill.
It's between you and Jill.
What are you talking about? She doesn't want the tea set, she wants the clock.
- The clock? - Yeah.
- Well, why didn't she just tell me? - Well, I just don't know.
It's a mother-daughter emotional separation thing, or something.
I came from a family of all guys.
We were very clear about our emotional separations.
I hit my brother, I laugh, he cries.
What? I can't explain it.
You gotta read the book Hey.
Mother.
I'm Selfish - Go! - Go, Tiffany! Tim, can you help me with the hamburgers? - In a minute, in a minute, all right? - I'll help you, Jill.
I'm gaining on you now.
I'm gaining on you! I'm gaining I win! - Dad, she beat you again.
- I got eyes, pal.
Sorry, Mr.
Taylor.
I didn't mean to win.
Don't get cocky, OK? You're not champion around here until you win five out of nine.
Hey.
You better start losing real quick or else you're gonna be here all night.
Junior.
OK, here we go.
Three, two Is that a dolly? One.
Jill, why didn't you tell me you wanted that clock? I don't want that clock.
Who said I wanted the clock? Tim told me.
- He wasn't supposed to get involved.
- Well, I charmed it out of him.
It's no big deal, Mom.
It doesn't matter.
Well, apparently it is.
He says that we don't talk, that we don't share feelings.
Now, that's not true, is it? Well, in a way, Mom.
I mean, you're always the one that's saying we shouldn't get emotional.
When did I ever say anything like that? - All the time.
- When? OK.
For example There was that time in Virginia.
I was playing in the sandbox and you came up to tell me that we were moving for the third time in two years, and I started to cry.
And you said, "Don't get emotional.
Crying isn't going to help.
" "We're a military family, this is who we are.
" Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I don't remember that.
It was an important conversation, Mom.
Jill, I had five daughters.
There were lots of important conversations.
Well, of course you're right.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
All right.
Now, you just hold it right there, young lady.
Now, all that moving was hard on the whole family, and your father knew that.
Seeing us upset would have made things worse for him.
We all had to be good little soldiers.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember all that "good little soldier" stuff.
Having to keep the house in perfect shape.
Lining us up in our perfect little dresses with all the other officers' kids.
Yes, that's right.
We were mean, lean and clean.
But we had fun, too.
You and your sisters played hopscotch and jacks just like all the other little girls.
You and I had our teatime.
- We had our what? - Teatime.
We'd have tea and cookies, but I'd tell you we were having tea and crumpets.
Then when your father came home you'd tell him we had tea and puppets.
"Tea and puppets"? I said that? That is so cute.
How could you stand me? Sometimes I couldn't.
So that's why you wanted me to have the tea set? Well, yes.
I I know you look at that tea set and you see some old cups and a chipped saucer, but I look at that tea set and I see you.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I just didn't remember.
Well, whichever gift you want is fine with me, dear.
Well, now I want both.
Jillian Patterson, you have to share with your sisters.
I don't know why you had to give me so many sisters anyway.
Oh, hush.
Yay! Hey, Dad, she beat you again.
- That was pretty lame.
- Hang it up, old man.
Can I go play with my friends now? You know, you're starting to tick me off a little bit.
Championship round.
One more race.
Winner take all.
But I think I blew the motor in my car.
So I've got a little secret weapon down here that I built.
- Hey, what's that, Dad? - I took the motor out of the DustBuster.
All right, ready? Winner take all.
Last race.
Three, two, one, go! This time when you cheer, you can make noise.
What a novel idea.
Have we ever worked with children before here? Five, four, three, two.
- No, no, Tim.
- What? - It's your line.
- Don't get cocky, Tim.