Home Improvement s03e10 Episode Script

Well, we continue our week-long salute (toilet flushes) to bathrooms.
We've already finished our basic plumbing installation process.
Now we move on to a thing called style.
Women call this "accessorizing the bathroom.
" We gotta talk about some of this stuff.
Like, what are these things? This is a flower decal to prevent slipping in your tub.
I have these at home.
Why doesn't that surprise me? Now, men, what do you wanna do? Stand on a decal like this, or the new M1 Battle Tank series? Or you could use what I use at home - the Al decal.
So you step all over me like you do here? I like taking my work home.
Toilet seat and seat covers.
Seat covers? Men don't need a seat cover.
We don't even need a squishy seat like this.
Toilet seats were just invented so women won't fall in.
(woman screams) (splash) Now, here's a toilet seat, huh? What is in this? Barbed wire.
And these - a woman's idea of soap by the bath.
(lisps) Little roses and little hearts and pigs.
How do you lather up with a pig? Goodness knows you've tried.
What men need Big bruiser soap like this.
Football soap.
Football soap on a rope, Al.
Perfect for the underarms, the ears (soap squeaks) Al, get naked, go long.
You were gonna do that for a minute, weren't you? Well, what do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? Whoa, Mom, why did we get such a big turkey? I thought Grandma and Grandpa aren't coming over for Thanksgiving.
Well, who can blame them after the food fight you started last year? Hey.
Nana got in a couple of nice shots, all right? The reason we have such a big turkey is because Al and Ilene are coming.
Al's bringing a girl? Yeah, she's that dentist who makes all the teeth jokes.
She's an orthodontist.
And the way your teeth are coming in, you'd better be nice to her.
OK, guys, will you go back out and get the rest of the groceries? Honey, great news.
The lumber showed up and I'm ready to roll.
Lumber? What's that for? Uh (laughs) I went by the lumberyard.
I had a vision.
Yeah, you have a vision every time you go by the lumber yard.
That's why when I'm in the car we never go that way.
Remember, you said this year you didn't wanna take the same old boring Christmas card photo.
Yeah.
Now, what are you building? And don't even think about it.
This'll be great.
I got this vision that'll capture the real spirit of the Taylor family, just like we really are.
Oh, Tim, these pictures are going out to my family.
I don't want them to know who we really are.
You're not sharing my vision.
That is what makes our marriage work.
Could you just listen to me, please? I'm thinking of something simple.
You know, decorating the tree, hanging the tinsel, stringing popcorn, that kind of stuff.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
Oh.
Except we'd be wearing costumes at the North Pole.
And the "exact same thing" part would be what? Wait.
Hey, guys, guys, guys, come here.
Come here.
Which would you rather do for this year's Christmas card photo? String popcorn, hang tinsel, get around the tree, or dress up in real cool costumes and join me in Tim Taylor's Christmas Village? They both sound stupid.
I agree.
Me too.
They'll come around.
Honey, come on.
We can start a new tradition.
Think of the possibilities.
This year, the Christmas Village.
Next year - Manger on the Moon.
You'd be in a spacesuit.
I don't wanna be on the moon.
Besides, everybody knows a spacesuit adds 20 lbs.
Oh, honey.
Look, whatever happens, if you don't like it I guarantee you we'll change it and do it your way.
You promise you won't get carried away? Yes.
OK.
(doorbell) It'll be perfect, and don't worry about anything.
It'll be tasteful and simple.
Hey.
Ooh.
I got a reindeer here for a Tim Taylor.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you, Heidi.
And welcome to Tool Time's salute (toilet flushes) to bathrooms.
Hi, I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant Al "It's My Potty, I'll Cry If I Want To" Borland.
You can't resist the bathroom humor, can you, Tim? Not during our salute (toilet flushes) to bathrooms.
You remember last time I was telling you how bathrooms have become a woman's domain.
Well, not anymore, since the crew and I designed and built the bathroom for men only.
Guys, bring out my bathroom.
( "Also Sprach Zarathustra") The man's bathroom.
stainless steel.
That's right.
A man's can.
A John's john.
This will be on every man's Christmas list this year.
We're gonna take you through a typical male day in the bathroom.
Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up? I say to myself, "Oh, boy, another wonderful day of working side by side with Tim.
" What's the second thing you do, Al? I consider calling in sick.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Why don't we go through my typical day then? I get up, I scratch, I get in the bathroom.
First I wanna get rid of that horrible morning breath.
You got everything here you need.
You got your soap.
You got a little bit of your mouthwash.
No, that's the soap.
That's the mouthwash.
To get that deep-down, manly dirt off, you gotta jump in your multihead shower.
(satisfied moans) Hop out, stand over your built-in floor drain.
Gotta get dry real quick.
(dryer buzzes) I'm dry.
Well, ready to shave.
I can't shave in the dark.
I'll need my trusty headlights! Also useful in case a deer wanders into your bathroom.
For those pesky nose hairs, you flip on your brights.
All right, all right.
Well the bathroom has everything, including the brand-new La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet.
It's plush when you flush.
And jukebox, phone and a rack for your hot rod magazines within easy reach.
If there were a refrigerator in here, you'd never have to leave.
Did you say "if"? Brewski? You bet, buddy.
Between the beer and the bathroom, we call this a male recycling center Guys are going, "Jeez, Tim, you spend so much time in the bathroom, you won't know what's going on in the big game.
" Got it covered.
Go, go, go, go! (both) Touchdown! Man, once my friends see this Christmas card, I'm dead.
There's no way I'm wearing these ears.
Me neither.
What? Dad can't make us do this.
Yeah.
I mean, you can't make your kid be an elf.
There's gotta be a law.
Hey, Dad, we have something to talk to you about.
Hey.
Welcome to Santa's Christmas Village.
Dad, we don't wanna be elves.
What? Yeah.
We thought you said we could all be Elvis.
(Jill) I can't believe this is the outfit you chose for me.
Mrs.
Claus would never wear anything this skimpy.
Sure she would, if Santa were out of town and Mr.
Mountie was stopping by.
I thought you said you were gonna keep this simple.
It is simple.
Guys, get into position, please.
Dad, we don't wanna do this.
Oh, pipe down.
Just one shot.
Tim, look, you know, Thanksgiving's tomorrow.
I got pies in the oven, a million things I gotta do.
Relax, all of you.
Let me make a few tweaks on my little snow-making machine here.
Why do we have to have snow? Well, if there's no snow, people won't believe that we're really in the North Pole.
You are so deluded.
All right.
You're all there? OK.
(Randy) Come on, Dad.
All right.
Quiet! Big smiles.
Get the ears on.
Smiles.
Timer's on.
Start the snow.
All right.
Hey, Dad, there's no snow.
(Tim) I'll just get a new window in it.
Where are you gonna get a pane of glass the night before Thanksgiving? There's plenty of on the holidays.
Yeah, right.
What's that smell? (gasps) Oh, gosh.
It's my pies.
Oh, no! Oh, Tim! You promised me this was gonna be simple.
Now look - I have burnt pies, a broken window and a snow blower in my family room! You're not gonna let this dampen your spirits, are you? I am way past damp.
Well, I'll just make a little adjustment.
We'll be back in business.
No.
Forget it.
You had your chance, you blew it - big surprise - and now it's my turn.
Honey, honey, honey.
It'll be great.
We could make Christmas card history here.
Why can't you just ever do anything on a small scale? I don't think that way.
Pick a number.
What? Just pick a number.
Seven.
See? I would've picked 13,000.
Why? Because I think big.
Can you burn the turkey so it matches those pies? Mm, mm, mm, mm.
What is that I smell? Burnt pumpkin pie with a touch of cinnamon maybe a tad too much nutmeg? That is amazing.
You can smell that from over there? Oh, yes, indeedy, Tim.
I inherited my father's olfactory sense.
Your dad has an old factory? No, Tim.
I was referring to my sense of smell.
What does that have to do with your dad's old factory? Let it go, Tim.
Do you have any use for a slightly used Santa village? Uh-oh.
Trouble in Santa's workshop? Mrs.
Claus doesn't understand I'm trying to do something groundbreaking.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I see you've already done some window-breaking.
Wilson, I break a lot of things around here because I think big.
I get these visions, I have to carry them out.
OK? Oh, so you think of yourself as a visionary, like Socrates or Marco Polo.
(grunts) But Jill thinks I got double vision.
Well, to paraphrase Seneca, the Roman moralist, there is a fine line between genius and madness.
Do you think I've stepped over that line? Tim, why don't you ask me that question when you're not wearing that Mountie uniform? Oh, yeah.
That would be a good idea.
I think you're overlooking something here.
What? The true vision is right there.
An angry wife with two burnt pies? No.
No, Tim - a loving family.
Yeah.
Right as usual, Wilson.
Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(Wilson) Yo.
Pick a number.
Any number? Any number.
Well, off the top of my head, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh.
I can't believe Al.
All he's done since we've got here is watch football.
Yeah, well, Tim's idea of the perfect Thanksgiving would be to push a button on the remote and have the turkey pop out of it.
He's gone, he's gone! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Oh.
Tim, take the helmet off and come to dinner.
It's not over yet, honey.
We have two more minutes left.
What's the score? Uh, 61 to three.
Guess what.
It's over.
Oh, honey! Come on, come on.
(Tim) All right, let's eat.
Here you go.
You sit right there.
(Al) Oh, boy, the table looks great.
Smells great.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Everything looks delicious.
Hey, what are those? Oh, these are the, um, mashed rutabagas that Al brought.
Made from a very old family recipe.
Looks like you got 'em from an old family.
I love the way you guys tease each other.
I'm not teasing him.
Ilene is no slouch in the humor department.
Tell them that joke you told me on the way over.
Oh, no.
Come on.
We'd love to hear it.
OK.
What do you call a big white animal that's shaped like a tooth? What? A molar bear.
Stop.
You are such a wacky-doodle.
Uh somebody pass me the gravy, please.
You gotta try Ilene's rolls.
They're homemade.
Ooh, look at that turkey.
(Al) Try my rutabagas.
Let me have some mashed potatoes.
Try the rutabagas.
I put sugar in them this year.
Can I have some of this, please? One spoonful.
All right.
I need the rutabagas.
All I need is some gravy.
I didn't get Ah.
I think before we eat, we should all think of something that we're thankful for.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Al, you wanna go first? All right.
Uh Well, I'm I'm thankful that I have such wonderful friends.
And I'm I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful, special person to spend Thanksgiving with.
Well, I'm thankful that I have such a wonderful place to come to on Thanksgiving, and I'm thankful to Jill for introducing me to Al.
That's sweet.
That's nice.
Brad? Al, a tender, warm and gentle man who always puts my needs above his own.
Oh, that's great.
Brad, I think your mom wants A man whose quiet confidence and heroic vulnerability inspire me to be a better person.
It's my turn.
I'm thankful that Ilene's finished with her tribute to Al.
Ow! And I'm thankful that Brad said that instead of me.
Ow! I'm thankful you guys are kicking Brad and Randy instead of me.
Well (clears throat) That was very touching, boys.
Can I go next? Can I go next? I am thankful for many things in my life.
My family, my friends my hot rod, I know I get carried away sometimes, like my fellow visionary Marco Polo, who we all know invented the sport shirt.
But, unlike Marco Polo, I have something he does not have.
I have the best, most understanding wife in the world, Jill.
Well, um, OK.
I'm thankful for good friends, for my children, for a husband who never ceases to amaze and surprise me, a man who's blown out every window in the house, frozen his tongue to a hammer, fallen off the roof, through the roof, hung upside down from the roof, and in spite of all these things, or maybe even because of them, I love him more today than I did the day I married him.
Would somebody hold me? All right, I'm all ready.
Come on.
OK.
You're OK with this? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's a perfect compromise.
Your winter wonderland, my little bit of dignity OK, Al, I'm all set.
Uh, camera's loaded.
Boys are in position.
Come on, look up straight.
I added more touch, added more snow for the roof there.
How does that look? Oh, that's that's an awful lot of snow, Tim.
That's 'cause I think big, Al It looks beautiful.
Thanks, Ilene.
Al, you wanna do the honors? No.
(Tim) Come on.
I'm just kidding.
So much for the dignity.
There's still time for you to slip into that Mrs.
Claus outfit.
Later.
(grunts) Is this where you're gonna stand? Yeah.
Get the snow in front.
Make sure the kids are looking ahead.
(Al) OK, I got it.
All right, I'm gonna count to three.
One, two Do you want that door open? No.
(creaking) (Al) Three.
Let's take one more just to make sure.
(Tim) This is the life, huh, Al? (Al) I think so, Tim.
Nothing like a bowl game on the bowl, huh? You know, I'm still a little hungry.
No junk food.
Let's order in.
Mexican, Chinese, what do you want? Oh, nothing too spicy.
Al, I think you're forgetting where you are.
You're right.
Let's go a little crazy.
How about a pizza with sausage and chili? All right, buddy.
(phone dials) Auto-dial.
Yeah, Tony's.
This is Tim over here at Tool Time.
We need a big pizza.
Chili, anchovies Half.
Half anchovies.
We're not upstairs in the office, though.
Come down to the We're actually in the bathroom.
Yeah.
What? Hello? (dial tone) We're gonna have to go pick it up, I think.
Is that a smudge on that TV? Yes, I believe it is.
Not anymore.
Yes! Honey, great news.
The lumber was delivered I walked by the lumberyard today and I had a vision.
You get a vision every time you go by the lumberyard.
That's why when I in the when I'm in the car (mumbles)