Home Improvement s05e10 Episode Script

Like me, if you have a problem with space, well, you can't do better than the Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
If you're like Al, you'll need more than a ladder to solve your problems.
The beauty of this ladder is that, closed, it's only 212 feet tall.
With a simple tug, it expands to 1212 feet.
You just pull Oh, this is jammed or something, Al.
I'll just climb up there and show ya how sturdy this is.
The Binford telescopic ladder, just as supportive - - Tim, you might wanna - Could I finish, Al? - I just want ya to be careful so you don't - - Aah! The Binford 6100 telescopic ladder.
Perfectly safe for those of you who read the safety instructions.
All right.
Now is the time we go to our mailbag.
That's right.
Viewers write in their questions, and I answer them.
And I give the correct information.
You're just a superhighway of information, Al.
If you wanna contact Al via the computer, he's on e-mail in the Flannel Net.
Heidi, my mailbag, please.
- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you.
"Dear Tim and Al, my wife says I spend too much money at the hardware store.
"What percentage of our budget should I spend on tools? Signed, Confused in Lansing.
" Take your entire budget, subtract your house payment, if there is one, utilities, phone, add up that total, and forget about it and buy whatever you want, huh? Ha-ha! Remembering to leave a little aside for your future divorce lawyer.
Whoa, this letter's from Western Michigan University.
That's where my wife and I went to college.
They must've seen our show, and they want their diploma back.
Couldn't be further from the truth.
Listen.
"Dear Tim, in recognition of the fine work you do, we would like to bestow upon you an honorary Ph.
D.
" Arr-arr-arr.
Oh, now wait a second.
Your alma mater wants to give you a doctorate? That's right.
Yeah.
From now on, you'll be standing next to a doctor.
Which would make you my nurse.
Oh, no.
Mom's giving away our toys to charity again.
I hate when she does that.
We told her to keep the toys and give you away, but no charity would take ya.
When will you grow up and stop playing with toys? Hey, not all of this stuff is mine.
I believe this is your whoopee cushion.
Hey, not the Gas Master.
This is a family heirloom.
Taylor men have been sliding it under unsuspecting butts for generations.
Wait a second, Mom cannot give away my dart gun.
Glad I talked Mom out of buying you a BB gun.
What's the box? Mom's giving away our toys to charity again.
She can't give away our toys.
Especially not my spring-loaded eyeballs.
I love these things.
Guys, you won't believe what happened today.
I got a Ph.
D.
from Western Michigan University.
You? You sure it's not a Ph.
D-minus? No, wise guy.
It's an honorary Ph.
D.
from the engineering department.
Whoa-oa-oa.
You got a degree when you didn't even earn it? Can I get that type of deal for high school? I hope so.
It's your only shot at graduating.
This is why we're getting rid of those toys.
- So how was your day? - Horrible.
My behavioral psych professor has assigned yet another paper.
I haven't finished the first one.
I have to read these books by the weekend.
- What did you do today? - Got a Ph.
D.
- Very funny.
- Funny, huh? Check out the letter from Western Michigan.
You barely graduated, and they're giving you an honorary degree? Makes me wonder why I worked so hard for the first one.
You didn't work at all.
You partied the whole time.
And the celebration continues.
- Tim, I'm trying to study here.
- I understand.
You're working hard to get your advanced degree, too.
What are you doing? I'm hanging up that letter that says I'm gonna get a Ph.
D.
- You framed the letter? - Yeah.
I framed the envelope it came in, too.
Hello.
Yes, this is Dr.
Taylor.
Harry, real funny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.
He's calling me Tim "The School Man" Taylor.
- Harry is droll.
- Huh? What? She called you a troll.
All right, I'll stop by the hardware store.
Thanks.
Bye.
That was nice of him to call, wasn't it? - Yeah, it's really sweet.
I've got to study.
- All right, no more interruptions.
I have a delivery for a Dr.
Taylor.
Hey, Doc, how do I get rid of this big wart on my hand? Ball-peen hammer, chisel.
It'll pop right off.
Thanks, Doc.
- Jill, you didn't have to do this.
- I didn't.
Gosh, somebody really went overboard.
Who'd send such a huge arrangement? Your mom and dad.
- What? - They said, "Dear son " They called me "son" instead of "Hey, you.
" I like that.
"It's great to have Ph.
D.
in the family.
Love, Lillian and the Colonel.
" - I can't believe they did this.
- I can't believe it, either.
They barely acknowledge me going back to school.
Now they send you flowers? Come on, Jill.
They're proud of my accomplishments.
- Accomplishments? - Well, yeah.
I teach people from all walks of life the complexities of tool usage in an ever-changing world.
I believe I've actually bridged the gap between the world of hardware and academia.
Now you just need to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-ho, fairest of the Taylors.
- Jill, what time do you have? - Uh, 8:33.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
My new sundial seems to be running a bit slow.
Maybe you should noodle with your gnomon.
I beg your pardon.
The gnomon - it's that crossbar there.
It should be pointing north.
Oh, ho-ho, well, thank you, Jill.
It's such a pleasure having a knowledgeable neighborette.
Huh! I may be knowledgeable, but Tim's the one getting the Ph.
D.
Knowledgeable and funny, funny, funny.
- I'm not kiddin'.
Didn't Tim tell you? - No.
Western Michigan is giving Tim an honorary doctorate.
Tim? Yeah.
Here I am killing myself to get an advanced degree.
They just hand him one.
I'm trying not to be - I just can't - Well, well, well.
Jill, Jill, Jill.
I've never been a proponent of symbolic gestures, but Tim is your husband, he is my neighbor.
- We should be happy.
- You're right.
A Ph.
D.
? Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill Do you realize how many hours I had to study to get my doctorate in forgotten languages and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my.
Sitting in that library, reading that insufferable microfilm till I thought I would practically go blind? Not to mention that to support myself, I volunteered for lab experiments.
Oh, oh.
What really irritates me about this whole thing - Wilson! - Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.
I came out here so you'd talk me down.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Jill.
I just lost control.
- I know.
It's OK, it's OK.
What can I say here that might put this into perspective for both of us? Oh, yes.
The late senator Dwight Morrow said there are people who do things and people who take the credit, and the trick is to be in the first group.
There's a lot less competition.
- I see what you're sayin'.
- You feel any better? - Not at all.
- Me, neither.
On the other hand, it is a honor for Tim, and we have to put our negative feelings aside and just find a way to cheer him on.
Well, I know.
He should be allowed to enjoy this.
I should be more supportive And if the university is giving him a Ph.
D.
, they must feel he is a worthy recipient.
Obviously they know something we don't.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! Binford Tools is proud to present the star of our show - Dr.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you, and welcome to Tool Time I am Dr.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Ma Mater" Borland.
Yesterday, we talked about getting insects out of your house.
And if that didn't bug ya, today we're gonna talk about rodent removal.
We're gonna meet the man who has a job no one else wants.
Actually, Tim, I have that job.
Let's do a warm Tool Time welcome to the man who calls himself "The Verminator.
" Duke Miller, come on out.
- Congratulations on your Ph.
D.
- Thank you very much, Duke.
I myself attended a state-certified rodent extermination school.
Yeah? Where'd you go, Ratcliffe? No, but we did play them in football.
So, anyway, what got you interested in extermination? Well, Al, I've always loved animals.
Show the studio audience and everyone at home the tools of the trade.
Sure thing.
Now, displayed here on the wall we have your basic glue boards.
- They're very effective.
- Mm-hm.
Now, these look to me to be some type of a snap trap.
That's right.
They come in a variety of sizes and accommodate both domestic and imported cheeses.
Next, we have a more sophisticated kind of trap.
I see that.
Vic, if you wanna come in here.
Looks like a double-hinged door there, a large eating area, and little glass skylights.
Mice have a better pad than you do, Al.
These are humane traps.
The mouse doesn't get killed.
You can make him a pet.
So the mouse goes in the little door here and Aah! Aah! This is it.
Sangren Hall.
Seems like yesterday I shot spit wads at the ceiling.
Now I'm getting a Ph.
D.
And we are so pleased for you, aren't we, boys? Pleased, yeah.
Honey, isn't this where we took sociology? Yeah.
I got my first "A" in that class.
- Dad, what'd you get? - A lot of sleep.
Dad, are all these people getting fake degrees? No.
Most of these people had to work years to get 'em.
Chumps.
Dad, where's the bathroom? I believe it's still down that hallway back there.
When you get in there, see if your mom is still mentioned in stall four.
Hey, does everybody know what time it is? - Ph.
D.
time.
- It's great to see you again, Tim.
And you would be? Your old philosophy teacher - Professor Garver.
Ah, yes, philosophy.
"I think, therefore I am.
" Descartes.
Good for a guy who was never in class.
I thought I was there, therefore I probably was.
I passed you, therefore you're lucky.
- This is my wife Jill.
- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.
- You must be very thrilled for Tim.
Oh, thrilled doesn't begin to describe how I feel.
Ecstatic beyond belief.
Really, really proud.
- We all are.
Excuse me.
- Proud, proud, proud.
- You're going overboard.
- I'm trying to be supportive.
I know this is honorary, but it means a lot to me.
- Hi, Tim.
- Hi.
Barbara Besson.
I'm on the fund-raising committee.
Hi there.
This is my wife Jill.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, Tim, it's really great to have you back here.
It's really great to be allowed back here.
You are gonna do fantastic things for this university.
I think we'll be able to build the new library with the donations you'll help us get.
- What are you talking about? - You're a big celebrity in construction, and we'll be able to use you to solicit contributions from the building community.
- Solicit contributions.
- Mm, and he'll be wonderful at it.
That's why I really pushed to have him get this doctorate.
Some members of the committee wanted to give it to an award-winning poet.
Like he could help us raise a dime.
But that's not the only reason you're giving Tim the degree.
- They appreciate Tool Time.
right? - Tool Time? - My show.
- Oh, yes! I've never seen it, but I hear it's very cute.
See you at the podium.
Cute, real cute.
Feel like an idiot.
I feel like an idiot.
The reason I'm here is because they want a celebrity to solicit funds.
Hey, hey, she just is from the fund-raising committee.
She doesn't represent everybody at Western.
Even if they give this to you because you're a celebrity, you have a great show.
Binford hired you because you did so well in engineering at Western.
- You believe that? - Yes, I do.
I'm sorry.
I I should've been more supportive all along.
I was feeling jealous because it's gonna be so many years until I get my doctorate.
The presentation of the Ph.
D.
s is about to begin.
By the time I get my Ph.
D.
, I'll be too old to remember what Ph.
D.
stands for.
Don't feel bad.
I'm just about to get one, and I still don't know what it stands for.
Knock 'em dead.
Now we'd like to present this year's honorary doctorate to an alumnus - class of '76.
A man who, day in and day out, teaches people that, with the right tools, anything is possible.
Let's give a warm Western Michigan University welcome to Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Professor Hankey.
Thank you.
Ahem.
Thank you all.
I, uh Oh, boy.
Ahem.
You know, the last time I gave a speech at Western, I was actually in the dean's office.
Remember that? Trying to convince her to not kick me out of school.
I had those women's underpants on my head.
It was frat week.
It was a long time ago.
He's dyin'.
You know, my dad taught me years ago that a tool in your hands keeps those hands out of trouble.
What this university taught me was that education is perhaps the greatest tool of 'em all.
Of course, my first couple years here, I thought a corkscrew was the best tool But seriously, I want you all to know how much I appreciate this award.
I really do.
I also want you to know I have nothing but respect for all of you who have put in years of work to earn an advanced degree - one student out there in particular.
So here is to higher education.
Let me help you.
- Uh, watch your hand on that.
- Aah! I know how she feels, I'll tell ya that.
But that felt good there just at the beginning of that.
I've been there.
Uh, I suppose you wanna see me in your office.
Well, it's time once again to dip into the ol' mailbag.
Heidi, the mailbag, please.
I bet your anxious to read all those letters congratulating you on your Ph.
D.
? I don't think we'll have time to read them all, Al.
I think we might.
Todd from Toledo writes, "Dear Tim, when I heard you were getting a Ph.
D.
, three words came to mind - Why not Al?" Thanks, Todd.
"He's the one who works his tail off day in, day out.
"It's time for America to cheer for Albert Borland, who slaves " I can't read this, Todd.
Tirelessly.
- How did you know what that said? - I guessed.
Did you, or is it possible that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo? How could you stoop to something so dumb? I don't know.
But there's no use reading this letter from Andy from Akron.
Actually, uh, Mr.
Smarty Flannel, this is - further from the truth - Here, look.
"Dear T " The voice.