Home Improvement s05e22 Episode Script

Oh-oh-oh.
Lemon meringue.
All right.
Don't touch that pie! - That's for after dinner.
- I won't touch it.
- What are you doin' with a fork? - I had a little itch.
Stop.
Boys, come on, we gotta go! - Why go to the doctor if we're not sick? - For check-ups.
- What's in the bag? - Something to shorten my appointment.
What? You know how the doctor makes you pee in the cup? That's my favorite part.
Except the cup is too small.
I'll go with a salad bowl for me, huh? Whew.
Yeah, well, my problem is, I can't go under pressure.
So you went in that bag? Of course not.
I put it in a yogurt container.
I think he just found a flavor that'll never catch on.
- We'll be back around 5:30.
- All right.
Watch those speed bumps.
Bye-bye.
Stay away from that pie! Mark All right! All right! - We're back.
- What kept you guys? The doctor found boysenberry yogurt in Brad's urine.
So I had to give him another sample without any fruit in it.
Randy had to go to another doctor and get a second blood test.
- Why? - It's Mom's fault.
She told Dr.
Medwick I been kinda tired lately.
You have been.
I caught you on the couch the other day asleep at 4:00.
Dad, I was watching Tool Time Go do your homework.
We'll call you when dinner's ready, OK? OK.
- Tool Time's not that bad, is it? - Tim, we have to talk.
- What's the matter? - It's about the doctor.
Dr.
Medwick wanted the extra blood test because he was concerned about something that he felt in Randy's neck.
- What did he feel? - Some swelling.
- Swelling? - Yeah.
So he sent us across the hall to this endocrinologist, Dr.
Kaufman, and she thought she felt a lump.
- What kind of a lump? - A lump on his thyroid gland.
- She said they're usually benign.
- Oh, God.
- No, benign is the good one.
- Oh, good.
But there is a chance, a very slight chance that it could be malignant.
She said that it's usually very treatable.
It also could be something they call hypothyroidism.
- Hypo what? - It's an underactive thyroid.
He'd have to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, but other than that, he'd be normal.
Ahem, boy So it's either a lump or hypothymaster? Hypothyroidism.
Now, there's a third possibility, and that is that it could just be a simple goiter.
- A goiter? - That's nothing.
- So we want a goiter? - Yes, we want a goiter.
You know, a goiter is just a swelling, but it means that the thyroid is functioning normally.
- Why didn't you call me? - I couldn't do that.
I didn't want Randy to know what's going on until we know what we're dealing with.
- So he doesn't know anything about this? - No, none of the kids do.
The whole way home, I kept just telling Randy that nothing was wrong, he was probably just rundown, needs some vitamins.
Meanwhile, I'm going out of my mind.
I thought it was just a check-up.
Next thing I know, I'm talking to a specialist about lumps.
- Hey, come on.
- This is my worst nightmare.
No, no.
It's my worst nightmare, too, OK? It's all right.
When do we hear something back from them? Dr.
Kaufman said that she'd call by - And we want a goiter? - Yes, we want a goiter.
So, how do we get through the next 24 hours? Think real positive, just hope those tests come out proving that Um, the laundry detergent does get our brights brighter and our whites whiter.
Yeah.
I think it's gonna make the sheets much softer and more luxurious.
Yes, and I like that because it makes me feel pampered.
- What are you doing? - I need sugar.
You won't find much in there.
Ah, smells good.
Where am I? I'm making a big family breakfast - eggs, bacon and silver-dollar pancakes.
- That's Randy's favorite.
- You're gonna tip him off, honey.
- What do you mean? - You make him something edible, he's gonna know there's something wrong.
- Where are you going? - To work.
Call me if you hear anything.
How could you possibly go to work today? If I wait for the doctor to call, I'll go crazy.
I gotta keep busy, which is something you do.
I'm gonna be plenty busy going over and over this in my mind.
Honey, come on.
It'll be all right.
I can't believe it.
Yesterday, everything's fine.
- Today, it's about something as serious - As fabric softeners.
Yeah, there's nothing worse than static cling.
That's why we need fabric softener.
- What's going on here? - Nothin'.
Mom, if you're cooking food like this, something's up.
We usually get burnt toast and mushy bananas.
- It's our anniversary.
- Your anniversary was two months ago.
This is the anniversary of the first time we had eggs.
- Well, then, happy anniversary.
- Thanks.
You're right.
It's gonna tip 'em off.
We have to get rid of all this.
Don't throw it out.
Honey! Hey! Why are you throwing those out? I love silver-dollar pancakes.
- There's a good reason for that.
- What? 'Cause I'm gonna take you to breakfast.
- You are? - Yeah.
Grab your coat.
Let's go out for breakfast, stop by the arcade, play a little Mortal Massacre.
- I'll be late for history.
- Son, how many times have I told you? You can't live in the past.
- Mom? - Oh, it's fine with me.
That's great.
- Let's go.
- Great.
Man, this is awesome, skipping school, going out to breakfast, Mortal Massacre.
You're treatin' me so good.
If I didn't know better, I'd think I was dyin'.
That was a joke, guys.
That was a joke.
I didn't get it at first, but I just got it.
I got it.
Tell your mom.
Make sure she got it.
What's goin' on? This have anything to do with that blood test I took yesterday? OK, yeah, but there's nothing for you to worry about.
Do you remember when the doctor was feeling your neck yesterday? Yeah.
Well, um, she felt some swelling which might be a goiter.
Which is nothing.
Then why don't they call it nothing instead of a goiter? They're not exactly the same thing.
You couldn't say, "Tigers - 8, Yankees - goiter.
" So if it's not a goiter, then what is it? It also could be hypothyroidism, which is an underactive thyroid, and you'd take a pill every day.
- A very small one.
- Yeah.
So you're treating me like this all because I might have to take a pill? I don't buy it.
Honey, we didn't wanna worry you until the test results came back, - but there's also a small chance - A very small chance.
that you might have a lump on your thyroid that eventually would have to be removed.
- So I'd need an operation? - A very small one.
- Would I have a scar? - A very small one.
Dr.
Kaufman is going to call by 6:00 tonight.
She's a very small doctor.
Well, I better get to school.
You can stay home if you want today, honey.
We could just talk.
- There's nothing to talk about.
- What about the arcade? I really shouldn't miss history.
Well, OK.
- Well, bye.
- Bye.
You're right, I tipped him off.
What kind of mother am I? I had to go and fix him a decent breakfast.
Heidi, did anybody call? Jill or anybody? No.
That's the third time you asked.
Is everything OK? - Everything's fine.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- OK.
Good show, Al.
You know, Tim, far be it from me to criticize a colleague, but your performance out there today was was a little dull.
Who would know better than the human yawn? - What was the matter with you out there? - Didn't get enough sleep last night.
- Polish food again? - No.
Mexican? That makes my mother go back and forth, back Al thanks for wrecking my appetite for the rest of my life.
This has nothing to do with what I ate.
- Then why couldn't you sleep? - I had something on my mind.
- Is there something wrong with the family? - No.
Well, is it is it me? Have I let you down in any way? Al, you've let me down in every way.
It's not about you and me.
May I? - Then what is it? - Nothing.
Tim, I am a friend, and I sense that there is something wrong, and I'm going to keep reaching out until you reach back.
Oh, God.
- Share with me, Tim.
- Promise you won't tell anybody? - I promise.
- Came home last night, and Jill told me that she was having an affair with the milkman.
No, I cannot believe that.
You have a milkman? Not anymore.
Maybe I should try the doctor again.
When was the last time I called? Well, right before you asked me that question.
I don't understand why this stuff keeps happening to Randy.
He's always been the one with health problems.
He had allergies, asthma.
- Even as a baby, he had awful colic.
- Oh-oh, Randy's colic.
I remember when Tim used to walk him back and forth in the yard, trying to get him to sleep.
As a matter of fact, that's when Tim and I first met.
# In my GTO you're really looking good # Three deuces and a four-speed Oh, come on, Randy.
This song used to put Brad right out.
Buddy, come on.
Huh? - Hi-di-ho, new neighbor.
- Huh? Hi-di what? - Just a little expression of mine.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Just a little - ho-ho-ho.
What in the world was that strange noise? That's just an expression of mine.
Um, hope my kid's crying didn't wake you up, sir.
No.
I was already up feeding my pet octopus.
So, I've been meaning to come over and introduce myself.
I'm Wilson Wilson.
I'm Tim-Tim Taylor.
How are you? And the little one with the supercharged lungs is my youngest son Randy.
- Got a little colic.
- I've heard for the past few nights.
- Sorry about that.
- I took the liberty to mix you up a batch of ginger-root juice for your son's colic.
And I'm supposed to put that in his bottle? - No.
You just rub a little bit on his belly.
- All right.
I'll try anything.
You sure it's all right? Easy, easy, easy.
Easy, boy.
Oh, oh.
Why are you looking at me like that? Stop crying.
Just a little bit.
Won't hurt.
- Right here.
- Mm-hm.
- Huh? - It worked.
So that's what you look like when you're not crying, huh? Oh, ho-ho-ho.
He is a handsome little fella.
Hey.
Thanks very much.
When I first got married, didn't think I ever wanted kids.
Now that it happened, I like 'em.
I like 'em better than cars.
- You got kids? - I don't even have a car.
Um, thanks for the belly rub.
I'll put him to bed now.
Feel free to stop by anytime and chat.
Well, thanks, but I'm a pretty private guy.
I don't like sharing my problems with other guys, OK? - Good night.
- Good night.
That was the first time since Randy was born we got more than two hours of sleep.
That's two hours more than I got last night.
Kept thinking about how nothing bad has ever happened to this family.
Been so lucky.
Do you realize that Tim has survived over 200 accidents? Really? I would've thought that number was much higher.
Oh, God.
I feel so helpless just waiting for the phone to ring.
It is so frightening to think how one phone call can change your life forever.
It's like our family's been living in a big bubble all these years, protecting us from anything bad that could happen.
Just one phone call, one split second, the bubble could burst.
I wondered if you have Randy's test results back yet.
It might be three or four more hours? I'll hold.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry.
I understand.
Bye.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
- Where's Randy? - I don't know.
He said he'd meet me after school, but he never showed up.
- Tim, we have a problem.
- Did you talk to the doctor? No, not yet.
Randy didn't come home from school.
Ooh, boy.
- So what do we do? - Don't worry about it.
You call around.
I'll drive around.
I know where he might be, OK? - Don't worry, please? - OK.
Hello? Oh, Al.
What? We don't have a milkman.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Al, I can't talk right now, OK? I'll see ya later.
Bye.
Hey, Randy.
- What are you doing here? - Lookin' for you.
Your mom and I were worried.
You know better than to take off without telling us.
- Then we're even.
- What do you mean? Couple little things you didn't tell me, either, Dad.
What are you talking about? Like, I might have cancer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where did you get that information? Off the computer at school.
Said that sometimes these kind of lumps can be malignant.
Randy, look, the chances of this lump being malignant are next to nothing.
- How could you not tell me about this? - We didn't want you freakin' out.
So I read it on a computer sitting in the school library all by myself? That's the last thing we wanted you to do.
I'm sorry about that, and she will be, too.
Why does this bad stuff always have to happen to me? Bad stuff happens to everybody.
Bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Yeah, but you cause it.
I know you're scared.
I know how you feel.
No, you don't.
- I don't wanna die, Dad.
- Come on, man, you're not gonna die.
Even if you had cancer, which you don't, you do not have that.
It's a treatable kind, OK? Huh? Hmm? Hey, come on, come on.
We'll beat it, no matter what it is.
I'm not lettin' anything happen to you.
Man, it's 5:15.
When are they gonna call? I'm sure that they're gonna call any minute.
- Oh, honey, come on.
Just play.
Play.
- All right.
- Come on.
- Um, let's see.
"Thrill.
" T-h-r - This is double.
- i-I-I.
- 14.
- 14? Good.
OK, all right, I got one.
"Lacks.
" L-a-c-k-s.
Lacks.
2, 3, 4.
12.
That's 15.
You gave me an opening, honey.
Read it and weep.
"Ex-lacks.
" What? - Dad, first of all, that's a brand name.
- And you didn't spell it correctly.
You're telling me there's no "x"? Hello? Oh, Al.
Look, Al, Tim and I are fine.
Please don't call here ever again.
What is wrong with him? Where did he get this insane idea about me and a milkman? Spends too much time at the state fair.
- Al - Tell him he's fired.
please don't Oh, hi, Dr.
Kaufman.
Yeah, uh-huh.
It isn't? Oh, God, that's such a relief.
There's no cancer, no operation.
Yes.
Oh.
OK, OK.
Yeah, we will, we will.
Thank you so much.
All right, bye.
Hey! - So that's it? I'm OK? - Yeah.
Yeah, but you have hypothyroidism, which is why you've been so tired.
Hypothyroidism.
Is that the pill or the goiter? The pill.
- Well, OK, it's just a pill every day.
- That's it.
- Let's go eat.
I'm starvin'.
- OK.
OK.
I'll be up in a minute.
- I'll put the game away, OK? - I was kinda hopin' for a goiter.
Goiter's a funny word, you know.
- Goiter boy.
- My young son, the goiter.
And then I could buy you a goiter belt.
# I see trees of green # Red roses.
too # I see them bloom Hey.
Hey, it works.
Look at that.
Oh, he is a handsome little fella.
Thanks for that.
It seems to make him worse.
- I'll take him back in the house.
- Feel free to come by and chat.
No, thanks.
I'm kind of a private guy.
I don't like sharing my problems with people.
I'll wash it off.
We'll get Mom.