Home Improvement s06e03 Episode Script

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Randy.
- Hi.
- Mom, guess what.
I got picked to write for the school paper.
Great.
I used to write for my school paper.
I didn't know they had printing presses back then.
They didn't.
We wrote by hand and pigeons carried the news from village to village.
Randy, I got an idea for your first story.
You can write about me.
You can tell the whole Brad Taylor story in depth.
And after that sentence, then what? How about you write about me? That's not even a sentence.
It's a question mark.
- Hey.
- Hi, sweetie.
How are you? Guess what.
Randy is gonna be a newspaper man.
All right.
You're carrying on a tradition.
My brothers were newspaper men.
First thing we do, get you a big bike.
With those big tires.
Whitewalls or something.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Fender, a little horn It'll look corny, but it'll be cool.
- We'll put a card in the spokes - Dad! Big, big bags.
We'll fold the papers up, I'll teach you how to throw.
I'm not gonna deliver the paper.
I'm gonna write for it.
Oh.
Can we still get the bike? - Hey.
- Hey.
Well, I got my story for the paper.
- What's it about? - Well It turns out that the cafeteria lady serves a vegetarian casserole with the same ladle she uses to scoop the pork stew.
What are you gonna call it, "Ladle-gate"? I'm gonna blow the lid right off that lunchroom, Dad.
I've done that.
Blew the lockers right out of the gymnasium.
I blew the librarian right out of the library.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- You free Sunday? - All day.
What's up? Well, my school is sponsoring an all-day couples therapy workshop.
I'd really like us to go.
Oh! I said, "Sunday, I'm free any day but Sunday".
Good, 'cause it's actually Saturday.
Oh, I hate when you do that.
I don't want to go.
Look, I think this workshop could really benefit our marriage.
It's called, "Keeping the Magic Alive".
- What's wrong with our marriage? - Nothing.
Nothing? That sounds pretty serious.
We better go right now! Tim, you go to therapy to prevent things from going wrong, to learn to communicate better.
A good marriage needs maintenance.
- Just like a car.
- Huh? You take your Mustang ­n to Lou­e's arage every 3,000 m­les.
Why just go there 'cause we get a free air filter.
I really want to go to this workshop.
Why don't you go alone? "Couple" generally means two people.
Maybe you'll meet somebody there.
Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - Wow.
That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you.
Thank you everybody and Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Today we're gonna show you how to maintain the tools in your workshop.
We're not talking about some marriage workshop where they force you to spill your guts.
Why would we? We're a tool show.
You see, over time your tools could become useless if not maintained.
And maintenance on tools is easy.
You don't have to drag these bad boys to some tool therapy group to "bring back the magic".
Tool therapy group? You must have read the book.
Hammers are from Venus, Pliers are from Mars.
You're the one from Mars.
They found life there, you know.
There was a meteorite with old Germans in it.
- Now - Germs.
There were germs in it.
Over the winter you might get a light coat of rust on an adjustable wrench.
The simplest way to take it off is a little 80-grit sandpaper.
Lightly sand and clean it right up.
You can also use a file, a wire brush or a wonderful bar.
Now, Big Mike's is what I call a wonderful bar, you know.
Four of his rusty nails, you won't care what shape your tools are in.
I love you, man.
Actually, this cleaning implement is called a "wonderful bar".
There's another wonderful bar called The Pig's Knuckle.
Boy, that place Use it like an eraser to polish off the rust on your tools.
That's great.
Let's move on to power tool maintenance.
We'll start with this nomadic auger.
- Nomadic? - Yes.
That would be the group of tools that wanders aimlessly throughout the desert? To properly maintain your pneumatic tools, keep them lubricated.
Right.
Listen to this thing.
Hear that wind down like that? It needs oil.
That's right.
Rule of thumb: Two drops of oil per full day of use.
Of course, that is just a guideline.
Well, you don't want to use too much oil, Tim.
Relax, Al.
Binford's paying for it.
Well, you also want to keep your pneumatic sanders, drills and nail guns properly oiled.
OK, plenty of oil in this bad boy.
We'll see if we fixed that.
A little air pressure.
All right.
See how it sounds, Al.
Well, now that we've given Al a lube job, tune in next time when we rotate that spare tire.
Well, boss, what did you think of the show? - Show? - Tool Time.
Binford, the company you own, sponsors it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Tim.
I'm just preoccupied.
My marriage broke up.
- No way.
- Yeah.
Wow.
Sorry to hear that.
I didn't know you were having trouble.
We just stopped talking to each other.
There's nothing more important in a marriage than communication.
Is there any chance of you guys getting back together? About as much chance as you getting through Tool Time without a fire or flood.
It doesn't look too good, does it? No.
No, it's over, Tim.
I took my marriage for granted and now I'm having to pay the price.
Do you know what it's like to go home to an 18-room mansion and there's no one to share it with but your domestic staff? Can't say as I do, Bud.
Well, let me tell you, Tim, it's no fun.
I should have been more open-minded when she wanted to get help.
Now I'm a lonely, lonely desperate man.
Bud, Bud, Bud, you're not desperate.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
Yeah.
Oh.
Al, you and your mother doing anything tonight? Just bingo at the senior center.
- You want to come? - Love to.
Great.
You can't get more desperate than that.
I'm so glad you came.
Well, I don't want to end up like Bud.
Although I certainly would like a domestic staff.
- Look, scones.
- Yeah.
Jill.
I'm so glad to see you.
I'm glad you made it.
Me, too.
This is my husband, Tim.
- This is my friend, Mary Ellen.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Jill told me you're a little nervous 'cause this is your first workshop.
Well, the first one without a bench grinder.
My husband was nervous his first time, too.
But by the end of the first session Dr.
Emory had him in the fetal position sobbing like a baby.
What time did you want me picking you up? Here, come on.
We're gonna sign our names on these name tags.
Look, nobody's gonna make you cry.
All you have to do is be open and honest.
All right.
Let's do an exercise that will help everyone get to know each other.
You'll start out by saying, "Something you might not know about me is " And then you'll finish that sentence by revealing something deep and intimate about yourself.
Why don't you go first, Tim? What? Yes.
"Something you might not know about me is " Where did you get your degree? You have to excuse him.
He's new at this.
I'm the graduate student in psychology.
Yes, you mentioned that several times on your application.
As well as your grade point average.
Four-point-oh.
Why don't we start out with a veteran of my workshops? Howard.
Sure.
Uh Something you might not know about me is when I was in the third grade Yo, Howie.
Howie! It's an all-day seminar.
You might want to pace yourself.
Scone? Repressed anger can often be a problem in marriages.
When we keep things bottled up inside they can surface at inappropriate moments.
Would anyone like to share an angry moment they've been holding on to? - Tim.
- I'd like to share an angry moment.
- Go.
No, no, go! - OK.
I went to an auto parts store to pick up some windshield wipers, to replace them on my Mustang.
It said on the box, "Will fit any Ford".
A Mustang's a Ford, isn't it? I get them home, they're the clip-on type, not snap-on.
They didn't fit.
I couldn't use them.
They would not give my money back because they were used! This is your big angry moment? You bet.
It's been with me a long time.
It's great to get it off my chest.
What has that got to do with your marriage? I was married at the time.
OK.
OK, yeah.
One thing that can strain a marriage is failing to live up to expectations.
Does Jill live up to your expectations? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
She's a great wife and a wonderful mother.
I'd steer clear of her lasagna, though.
You see, that is Tim in a nutshell.
You ask him a question about the relationship, he comes back with a joke.
I got the laugh, though.
It sounds like Tim might not be living up to all your expectations.
Well, I suppose in a way that's true.
There are times I wish he were more in touch with my feelings.
It's like I have to spell everything out for him.
- Can you give us an example? - You gotta spell it out for him, too.
OK.
There was this one time when we were on vacation.
Gorgeous night, full moon, we're walking along the beach.
I looked in his eyes and I said, "I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love you".
And he looked into my eyes and said, "Do you think they rent dune buggies here?" How did you feel at that moment? Alone.
- All alone.
- Would you like to respond to that? Oh, yeah.
But if I did I'm afraid I'd be driving home alone.
Alone! No, I want you to.
That's why we came here.
All right.
- You know what I think? - Not what you think, Tim.
- What you feel.
- Oh.
I feel like Jill's a little demanding sometimes.
She just doesn't expect me to know what she feels at a beach, she expects me to know what she feels all the time.
Since I don't belong to the Psychic Friends Network, I don't know what she's feeling.
She ends up getting mad at me and starts to criticize me.
- How can you say that? - He asked me to.
I am not demanding.
I am not critical.
Jill, there's no need to be defensive.
I'm not defensive.
Am I defensive? - I'd say so.
- Who asked you? Jill, it sounds like Tim has some problems the two of you need to address.
But I think it was commendable he was able to open up.
This is great.
If you liked that, you're gonna love this.
Wanna know another truth about that beach weekend? She takes me to a bed and breakfast loaded with doilies and teas, no television, on Indy weekend! You made him go on Indy weekend? It was the only time I could get a reservation.
- I can't believe he went.
- Luckiest woman on earth.
- I agree.
- Well.
We know what the women think, heard what the men think.
Howie, what do you think? Problem, my good neighborette? The pizza is round, the garbage can is round, why can't the box be round? Well, Jill, from where I stand I sense it's more than the pizza box that's troubling you.
Yeah, yeah, everyone's a psychologist.
You, Tim, that sniveling wimp, Howard.
I take it the workshop didn't go as swimmingly as you hoped it would? Complete disaster.
Tim spent the entire time complaining about me.
He said that I have been criticizing him since the day we were married.
He told that wedding story when we were standing in front of the minister and he said, "I do" and I said, "You're mumbling".
I couldn't help myself.
He's a mumbler.
You felt compelled to remind him of this on your wedding day? You know what else? He said I'm demanding.
You don't think so, do you, Wilson? - Well, Jill - Come on.
I don't have all night.
Oh, my God.
Did you hear that? Loud and clear.
Tim's right.
I am.
I'm a badgering, nagging shrew.
All I'm missing is a rolling pin and a bun in my hair.
Oh, no! I've got the bun! Jill, don't you think you're being hard on yourself? No.
No, I'm not.
The entire group at Dr.
Emory's agreed that I am too critical of Tim.
And I've been doing it for 17 years! Hmm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
I don't know how to change.
I mean, I want to.
Well, Jill, that reminds me of a very famous Chinese proverb.
"A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.
" Maybe the first step should be that I go up and apologize to Tim.
Good idea.
By the way, this Dr.
Emory, is he a tall, thin, dark-haired gent? - Why? Do you know him? - Very well.
As a matter of fact, we competed against each other in a scone bake-off.
- Tim? - In here.
I've been thinking a lot about what you said at the workshop.
I know, I know.
You're mad at me and you're right.
I went overboard and I unloaded on you unfairly.
I was I was just showing off for Howie and the guys.
No, look.
You're not the one who should be apologizing.
- Why not? I'm wrong, right? - No! Oh, God.
I criticize you so much you think everything's your fault.
I'm sorry.
Please stop apologizing and let me apologize.
Whoa.
You're gonna apologize? You better walk me through this 'cause this is uncharted territory.
Sit down.
I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted.
- I'm not finished yet.
Wow.
This is new territory.
I am too critical of you.
I don't want to be the kind of wife who complains about everything her husband does.
Come on, come on, come on.
We both have our faults.
Sometimes I leave my underwear on the floor.
Sometimes you're bossy and you nag.
- You're neurotic, you criticize - Tim! Now I know why it's taken so long for me to do this.
No, no, you did fine.
You're not real good at this.
You'll get better at it.
What did I leave out? Well, generally, when I apologize, I give you a kiss.
You're gonna be a good apologizer.
It takes some time.
Pretty soon you'll be as good as me.
You'll be able to say you're sorry and not really mean it.
When men get together they rib each other in the name of fun.
But sometimes this joking masks an underlying layer of hostility.
Do any of you feel this in your relationship with other men? - Tim.
- No.
Anybody else? - I got something to say.
- Anybody else? - I don't believe Al was finished.
- Thank you.
The truth is, when Tim makes fun of my weight, and my wearing flannel He says he's just joking, but I think he has an underlying resentment toward me.
Tim, would you like to respond to that? No.
I gotta say, you're kind of rough on Al.
Personally, I think that's why his mom overeats.
You know, Tim, I have caught one or two episodes of Tool Time.
I must say there is a mean-spirited undercurrent.
I agree.
Why don't you just change the name to Cruel Time? With Tim "The Cruel Man" Taylor.
The last show was unbelievable.
You squirted oil all over Al.
He never even saw it coming.
It was heartbreaking.
Tim, it's obvious there's something deep down - that's bringing out this resentment.
- Yeah.
Why don't you tell us what the problem really is? We're out of scones.
Still working on that paper about the cafeteria? Oh, yeah.
The story's exploded.
We're talking big breaking news.
According to my sources, what the school is selling as pork stew, is actually made from tofu.
What? Tofu? God, they're passing that stuff off as good, wholesome pork? "Hello, my name is Al?" Ohhh!