Home Improvement s06e06 Episode Script

Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi, our Tool Time mother-to-be.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Yesterday we showed you how to treat an electrical burn.
And a thermal burn.
Now we're showing the important part, fire safety equipment for the home.
The most important piece of equipment in your home is the smoke alarm.
We suggest putting one of these in every room.
And if you're like Tim you should wear one on you belt.
It's also important to have a quality chemical extinguisher.
Right.
Now, what if your extinguisher is empty and the fire is spreading? Run like hell and hope you have good insurance.
Binford has a better idea.
They always do, Al.
Show us what they got.
Introducing the Binford 6100 Home Fireman.
It taps right into your cold water line.
You want to be sure the main valve is in the "o' position when stored.
Now, you got 40 feet of hose, double hose construction and a separate onloff switch right here.
Oh! That's perfect if you want to put out a cigarette or irritated Teamster.
- But a real man needs real protection.
- What are you talking about? I remodeled a little more power to the home fireman.
- Uh, fire safety is no joking matter.
- I'm not joking about this, Al.
Tim, this hose is not constructed for any more pressure.
I don't want to get wet.
The audience doesn't want to.
Al! Ladies and gentlemen, the Tim Taylor version of The Home Fireman.
Ladies and gentlemen, take cover! Well, they finally settled my Aunt Sharon's estate.
Cool.
What's our cut? Brad, don't be disrespectful.
Brad.
What's our cut? Oh, my God.
It's $56,000! She's giving us 56,000 smackaroonies? Well, no, to me and my sisters.
Split it five ways? Ugh.
Inheritance tax, probate costs, lawyer fees, tolls, tips, gratuities, who knows? Well, how much do you think is gonna be left? Put it this way.
Your Aunt Sharon is not the only one to end up in the hole.
I don't think so.
Look at this.
Not too shabby.
Well, did Aunt Sharon mention Well, I was her favorite nephew? Sorry.
Apparently, Aunt Sharon stipulated that I spend the money on myself for something frivolous.
She doesn't want me to live my life the way she did.
She didn't spend a dime on anything.
She made her own salt.
I still can't believe Aunt Sharon left us out of her will.
Yeah, I mean, we were always so nice to her.
Which one was she? I believe she was the bald one.
You're gonna have to narrow it down a little more than that.
Wow.
It's not gonna be easy to go out and spend all this money on myself.
Spend it on me.
At least it's going to a good cause.
There's a lot of things I could do with this money.
- I could go on a trip.
- Yeah.
We could go to Indy.
I could buy a lot of clothes.
You could wear them to Indy.
Would you forget about Indy? Wow.
There is one thing that I've always wanted.
I used to have this boyfriend No, no, no.
You're not buying an old boyfriend.
No! He had this really cute little sports car and I always wanted one just like it.
Wait a minute.
You're considering dropping that money on a car you don't need? - I love you.
I love you.
- No.
I can't.
It's too crazy.
You'll look great running around the campus in an old convertible.
- Maybe a GTO or something.
- Think so? I could do that? Yes.
It's a well-known fact that driving a muscle car makes you look younger.
Well, you only go around once.
If you had a fast car you could go around two, three times.
I don't understand why we have to come to a car lot.
I found a bunch of cars in this paper.
We'll get to these.
I want you to meet my car guy.
He only deals in real high-quality stuff.
- Timmy.
- Jerry.
Jilly.
- This is Jerry.
My wife.
- Nice to meet you.
I knew you had a good-looking Mustang.
I didn't realize you had such a good-looking wife.
We're here to look at cars, Jerry.
- Yeah.
- I'm looking for a convertible.
- Maybe a muscle car.
- I don't want a muscle car.
Oh, come on.
Show her the Shelby.
Just take a look at it, please.
It's a beauty.
- It's got a 351 Windsor - A Windsor! automatic transmission.
It's got a new convertible top on there I don't like the door handles.
That one is cute.
The door han? Cute? Honey, we're buying a car, not a kitten.
Well, if you're looking for something that purrs, Tim, the '69 El Camino.
I've driven this.
Great.
It's perfect for you.
Half car, half truck.
We could put her into this.
You're not putting me into anything.
- What happened to the convertible? - You're gonna love this.
It's got it all.
It's got a built 327 - Built 327! - It's four-speed.
- Four-speed.
- Posit traction.
Posit traction! But, Jerry, the price is a little hefty.
What can we do about that? Tim, they're numbers.
They mean nothing.
Hello? Remember me? It's my car.
Back up.
I'm making a big deal here.
All right, bottom line.
I could take $900 off the sticker, Tim.
- I'm not making a dime.
- True, 'cause I don't want this car.
That's exactly how to play it.
You get the best deal that way.
All right.
I'll throw in a set of new tires.
- I don't want the car.
- Free undercoating.
You got him right where you want him.
Have you heard one word I've said? I want to choose my own car! - And I do not want that car! - I think you've done enough.
I must have been insane to think I could take you car shopping.
- Jill.
- Save it, Timmy.
Good-bye, Jerry.
She's killin' me.
All right, LoJack.
- LoJack! - Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
Did you and Dad buy a new car? No.
I bought a car.
Your father doesn't know about it yet.
You bought a car all by yourself? - Without Dad? - You trying to kill him or something? No, I'm not trying to kill him.
He'll suffer for a little while but he'll get over it.
All right.
Who gets custody of us? I think you'll want to go with me when you see the new sports car in the garage.
Cool.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for leaving me at the car lot.
Luckily, Jerry gave me a ride to work.
Al was nice enough to drive me home at his typical 15 miles per hour.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
I was angry.
I was the one that got carried away.
Your the one whose aunt died.
I shouldn't have spoiled your fun.
You were buying the car.
You should pick it out.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
Just drive a lot of them, test them out and I'll stay out of the whole picture.
Mom, you bought a great car.
You bought a car without me? Yeah, and it's really cool.
We're moving in with her.
I can't believe you bought a car without me.
Did you buy that stupid Alfa? No, but I think you're really gonna like the one that I did get.
It's British! It's a '67 Austin-Healey.
I know what the heck it is! I don't know anything about British cars.
That was a big selling point.
These things require constant attention, honey.
Yeah, I know.
I thought I could learn about the car, and do some of the work myself.
Ooh, boy.
These have a positive ground wiring system that nobody understands.
Don't get me started on side draft carburetors.
This It's a shocker.
I don't know what to say.
How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted? All right.
I I It's British! These people made a fighter plane out of wood! - Tim.
- They put kidneys in pies! What does any of that have to do with my car? Well I don't understand these kind of cars.
So you won't understand it.
How do we know you didn't get a lemon? No.
I had it checked out by a British mechanic.
A British mechanic? What did he say, it was ducky? Nigel went over this car bumper to bumper.
He said it was in great mechanical shape and I got a great deal.
- Can I have the keys, please? - What for? I want to take it for a little drive and see what kind of trouble you're in.
You put down my car.
You put me down for buying my car.
You expect me to hand over the keys so you can tell me what else is wrong with it? It's a thought.
Well, think about this.
I don't want you to drive my car I don't want you to ride in my car.
I don't want you anywhere near my car! So, I suppose putting it on the rack is out of the question.
I'll fix my own dinner.
That's my carpool.
I should be back around 10:00.
OK.
I got everything under control here.
She's leaving her keys to the Healey.
Make sure the boys do their homework.
- And don't try to help them.
- Don't worry about that.
I could just check it out.
But I gotta have it back before 10:00.
- You have a good time, OK? - I will.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, no.
There's a new car in my garage.
And I'm not allowed to drive it.
I'm in Tim Taylor hell.
It does have a nice looking body on this.
Good curves.
I've had a lot of vehicles in my time, French, German, Italiano.
But never British.
Fits me like a glove.
Nice feel on the clutch.
Short throw on the gearbox.
I gotta drive this car.
If I only had the keys.
Then I wouldn't have to hotwire it.
What am I talking about? What kind of guy hotwires his wife's car? A guy like me.
What are you doing? I thought Mom said not to touch her car.
She'll be glad I did.
I'm just checking out the wire, making sure there's no loose connections.
You're hotwiring Mom's car, aren't you? I'm bypassing the ignition.
What kind of a twisted human being hotwires his wife's car? You guys are old enough to know the truth.
Your father is a sick, sick man.
It handles great.
Smooth acceleration.
This is wonderful.
This is fab.
Blimey, I'm falling for a Brit.
Just got to get this car home by 10:00 or I'm in big trouble with her mom.
Why do they have to do road construction tonight? What are you honking at me for? I'm not the one repaving the road? I love Tool Time.
- Nine fifty-nine.
Is she back? - Nope.
- It's your lucky night.
- Not your best hair night, however.
Here she comes.
Act natural.
Dad, your hair.
- Hey, how was school? - Long and boring.
Why are you holding your head? Married to me for 17 years, you're asking why I'm holding my head? Morning.
You're making breakfast.
Yeah.
Your favorite, egg white omelet with shiatsu mushrooms.
I gotta say you're taking this car thing well.
I thought not driving the Healey would make you crazy.
Come on.
Give me more credit than that.
You don't want me driving it.
I'm mature enough to respect your wishes.
Thank you.
Hey, Mark, hand me the sports section.
- Here you go.
- I don't believe it.
Lions won? Does anybody have the Metro section? I want to look at the weather.
Uh, we didn't get one today.
I'm predicting cold with patchy fog.
We always get one.
It's between classified and sports.
But we didn't get one today, honey.
Oh, wow.
What Why are you hiding the paper? - I'm not hiding the paper.
- Yes, you are.
I'm trying to protect you from all the bad news in this world.
- Oh, my God, it's you.
- A lovely picture, isn't it? You're in my car.
But I had the keys.
How did you? You hotwired my car? Mom, go easy on him.
He's a sick, sick man.
Boys, out.
Tim, in.
You know, it Just settle down, would you please? It possibly was bad judgment on my part to borrow the car.
You didn't borrow the car.
You stole the car.
Stealing, borrowing Wait, that omelet is getting very cold.
If you were a stranger I would have you arrested.
Careful with that.
It's a very good picture of me.
Try pepper or salsa.
It will make it zesty.
Tim, this whole gift from my aunt was supposed to be fun.
But from the minute I decided to buy a car, you have done nothing but suck the fun out of the whole thing.
Thank you for nothing! I could heat it up.
It'll be as good as new.
One day I'm gonna figure out how to suck the leaves off the tree.
- What are you doing over there? - I'm providing sustenance for my Annelida terra firma.
Huh? I'm feeding my worms.
They like newspaper, huh? Probably love the gardening section.
Well, actually, they seem to prefer the obituaries.
Don't quit your day job.
I'll be writing my obituary if I can't patch things up with Jill.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong now? I promised her I wouldn't drive her new Austin-Healey.
W- Whoa.
I thought I saw a picture of you driving the Healey in the Metro section.
So did she.
I can't figure it out.
I get near her car, I take over.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Same thing happened when Harry bought his truck and Al bought his Gremlin.
I love cars.
Maybe you shouldn't love other people's cars so much.
That's my problem.
I'm a man who loves too much.
My love is hurting other people.
So, I think you should apologize to all the people you've wronged automotivally.
That could take years.
Start with Jill.
That could take years.
- Hi, how was school? - Fine, but the drive was better.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Tim, I'm really tired, honey.
This is really important, please.
Just for a second.
Come on.
OK.
What? Sit down.
I didn't mean to steamroll you and ruin your fun.
The truth is, I have the problem.
- I'm addicted to cars.
- Well, duh.
I want to apologize for all the times I've wronged you automotivally.
That could take years.
That's why we've got to start.
Just listen.
All right.
Your birthday, 1975.
Remember you wanted earrings? I bought you that chrome dipstick.
Valentine's Day, 1976.
You wanted earrings, I got you a case of transmission fluid.
Our wedding, 1979.
I insisted on the hot rod theme.
Remember the three-barrel Stromberg wedding cake? It was a big hit.
- Christmas, 1980.
- Tim.
How do you remember all these dates? It's part of my car sickness.
I need help.
I'm thinking of checking in to the Henry Ford Clinic.
Here, just - You bought me flowers.
- Well, not exactly.
The Club? Ready to go to dinner? Yeah.
- Wanna go in the Healey? - Oh, yeah.
Well, you've earned it.
It's been two weeks and you've stayed away from my car without one relapse.
It wasn't easy.
Every time I was tempted I visualized Margaret Thatcher eating a kidney pie in a thong.
It's a big night, the first time I've ridden in this car without starting it with a screwdriver.
- Shall we? - We shall.
Yes.
Tim.
I was opening the door for you, hon.
Thank you.