Hooten and the Lady (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bhutan

You were supposed to repay me - A week ago.
- And where do I find you? In a bar with empty pockets and no respect for my generosity.
Hold that thought.
- Two questions; Are you busy? - And how soon can you get to Bhutan? Explain Bhutan.
Make it quick.
Something amazing has come to life.
Something of immense value.
Wh-what? Wait, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.
Hooten! - No, I - All right, I've got Alfonso here.
Who? I've also got Alfonso's nearest and dearest.
- This is Alexandra.
She is - Please, take me off speaker phone.
is a Lady, with a key to untold riches.
Sorry, what?! Paint them a picture! I will do no such thing! Yes yes, you will.
I bloody well won't! Do as you're damn well told? I'm not having a conversation with Mr Rude.
Pretty please? With a cherry on top.
It's an ancient scroll.
A scroll that Buddha himself may have written.
Buddha, Hooten, The Buddha.
The Buddha? - I wait one second.
Hold on.
- What? No, no, I c - Hey! - Hi.
- You're ready? - Uh What is it this time? Mmh? Golden Fleece? Icarus's wings? - Wanon's ivory commode.
- Yes, the third one.
- Where? - Bhutan.
The old girl got around.
This is huge, Ed.
I know.
When do you leave? Uh, hello! Uh, yeah, I know, I should just wait! I just I wanted to see you before I left.
Women! I was saying, You were about to tell me how much this scroll might be worth.
It's always about money with you, isn't it? Humour me.
Prerefably in Bolivian Bolvianos.
Bolivian what? Well, obviously if it's what I think it is, then it's priceless.
Hear that, Alfie? I can go and get this scroll, I find a buyer, and I can pay you back.
- Triple? - What do you think, boys? Should I trust him? Transcribed by the Hoody team Nice! Welcome to the land of the thunder dragon! I take it they like their currys hot.
Hi, sorry.
Sorry, this isn't a d Relax, that's Hidalgo.
He's with me.
He can't speak.
He's mute.
He's wanted to see Bhutan.
Heard I was coming, so - This isn't a sight-seeing trip.
- You won't even know he's here.
So, where we headed? Up into the moutains to see a parchment.
So make yourself comfortable.
I-I still don't get it.
Since when did the Buddha ever write anything down? Do you think, you could finish what you're doing before we continue having this conversation? Woman from the museum of Bhutan, she's convinced the scroll exists, right? - Yes, she is.
- So why call you? Well, she has evidence that it was in a temple somewhere in the mountains, but they can't locate it.
So they thought that I might be able to help.
When we find this scroll, we get to keep it, right? Deciding what we do with it is the least of our trouble.
You've got to try and find the thing first.
Uh, I was brought up to wash my hands after going to the lavatory.
I was brought up not to pee in my hands.
Why are they all smiling? Bhutan is the eighth happiest country in the world.
They measure Gross National Happiness, rather than Gross Domestic Product.
Someone swallowed a guide book.
Lady Alexandra! Hello! Penny McQuinn! Oh, delighted to meet you.
Oh! Now, how was your trip? Never mind.
You're here now.
Who's this fine gent you brought with you? Uh, firstly, please, call me Alex.
Uh, this is Hooten.
And Hooten's friend.
Pleasure's all mine.
So when do we get to see this scroll? Ah, if only it was that simple.
Truth of it is that's sort of why you're here.
Walk and talk.
Remember the deal.
We get the scroll, find a buyer, we sell it, you go back and pay Alfonso.
No more firing squad, everyone's happy.
Okay? No mas shuti Huti.
Legend has it, that the Grand Guru came here to build a temple in the mountains.
Until Bhutan embraced modern technology, it was impossible to prove its existence.
And now you have? Huh, well.
Uh I have good news, and bad news.
Bad first? Well, lets's go with the good.
Which is I was recently shown a parchment, supposedly detailing the location of the temple.
- That's incredible! - Which brings us to the bad.
We've used 3D, satellite, photo-mappings of the areas indicated, infrared imaging everything we've got.
Couldn't find a single blessed thing.
Can I see it? Thought you'd never ask! Now, how are you around old people? Fine.
Because she's very frail, and probably doesn't have long to live.
Kapila, would you feel well enough to chat to my friends? These are the people I told you about, from the British Museum.
When Kapila was in her late teens, she was engaged to be married to a boy called A.
And it was A.
that found the parchment.
In a clay pot, in a cave, up in the mountains.
And the parchment reveals the location of the temple? It said it did.
But A.
couldn't translate it at first.
Then he noticed something that he had missed, he got terribly excited, said he knew where the temple was, and raced off the day before the wedding! No doubt, he wanted to bring untold riches back for his true love.
Got a ball park figure on those riches? Did you uh, the parchment, you said A.
saw something.
Do you know what that was? If I did, I'd be half-way up the mountain myself! The tragedy is that A.
never came back.
He waits in Nirvana.
Kapila believes that the scroll will give her entry to Nirvana.
So that she and A.
can finally be together again.
Do you think she'd be willing to show me the parchment now? Oh, of course! But it's only polite to spend some time with her first, not rush in.
Like that's the only thing we're interested in.
Even though it is.
How you doing? You help me?! I'll do my damndest.
You lost someone.
Yeah, well, haven't we all? But you still feel the pain.
In there, inside, it burns.
When you have no love, you know that nothing dies.
It just go to another place.
You want to see the parchment? That my love found? I'd like that very much.
Drink the tea.
And I will show you.
If you take it you must come back.
Hooten! I'm so sorry, he's American.
That's racist.
It is not blown out of the candle.
It is the extinction of the flame.
Because days come.
I have given him Oh, is she all right? Kapila has made sure that Mr Hooten will be coming back.
Sorry, I don't understand.
She's poisoned his tea.
You can't let her sleep.
Wake her up! Find out what she's given me.
Don't you think I've tried that already? Penny says she's taken some sort of remedy.
Then slap her.
Hooten, she's a hundred years old! Yeah, I don't care! Bucket of water or electrodes, you can't just let her get away with this.
Mr Hooten was just inquiring as to when Kapila is likely to wake up.
Tomorrow? The day after? She poisoned you, Mr Hooten, because it's an ancient Bhutanese practice.
It started as a way of protecting the village from strangers, but it's evolved into a means of manipulating others to do your bidding.
Bring her what she wants, and she'll give you the antidote.
And you've no idea what poison it is? Yes, of course, yeah, Clive's arranging evac.
Okay, we'll call you when he has an answer.
Oh, sorry, I've gotta go.
I'm gonna call straight back.
A storm's coming in.
Everything is grounded.
You mean we can't get to them? Not for the next 48 hours.
Look, I'll get all departments across this.
Anthropology and the Asia specialists, they may know something we don't.
I'll reach out to the foreign office.
You get onto medical options.
Eighth happiest country in the world?! Not anymore! Right.
Well do you know how soon until it hits? Okay.
Well Can you just call me as soon as anything changes.
There's a storm on its way.
They can't fly anyone to us.
Thay can only send a truck.
How long before this poison kicks in? I'd say you have at least a day.
Hey, don't pluck numbers out of the sky, you have a dying man here.
Okay, let's think rationally.
Ella said that A.
left and went into the mountains on the eve of their wedding.
That means he believes that he would have been able to make it there and back again within a day.
Maybe even less.
I am truly sorry.
If only we knew what kind of poison it was.
How do you people feel about water boarding? I have some equipment.
No, no.
I was top three in my chemistry class.
I thought we could run some tests on the cup.
To try and find out what poison she used.
Yes, okay, good start, uh.
What about you and me? I don't think we have a choice.
I'm not water boarding an old woman.
I meant if this temple is a day away, we could probably get there and back before help arrives.
It's our best odds.
No, you need to rest.
Sit here and die you mean.
I don't think so.
Saddle up, Mary Poppins, we're going to the mountains.
No, you've mixed two films, no, that's not What does this say? That doesn't actually help.
Yeah, well, um.
Just as a candle needs fire to burn, so man needs a spiritual life to live.
When the thumb rises on Heart Mountain against the sun the hand unclenches, to reveal what lies in the palm.
That doesn't help either.
Well, it's it's poly quote from the Buddha.
It mentions Heart Mountain, and well, the rest is a mystery.
Which is why I called Alex.
Well, then let's go to this Heart Mountain.
If A.
found something, so will we.
Let's go.
How do you feel? Fresh mountain air, spectacular views, slightly furry mouth.
What's not to love? Ella? Yech! I.
I've spoken to the London Board of Hygiene and Tropical medicine.
And they want you to relay any and all of Mr Hooten's symptoms, as they happen.
They can formulate an antidote once they identify the toxin.
- Well, that's good news, isn't it? - Yeah.
So, keep us updated.
Were they positive? Uh.
the problem is, is that they need to know now! Because as soon as the symptoms kick in, then Mr Hooten is likely to die.
Before anyone can actually identify the poison, and/or deliver the cure.
Ed keeps organizing things, I keep canceling them.
His company thinks he's made me up, that I don't actually exist.
Can I ask you something? Are you going to talk, all the way up this mountain? As I die a slow and painful death.
Think positively.
The slower it is the more time we've got to find the cure.
Is there another way? Not if we want to get there before I come back as a goat.
Alright, we go one at a time.
Okay, who's first? - Absolutely, you can go first.
- What? She's got some cojones.
Doesn't seem too bad, actually.
Oh! You okay? Yep, fine.
Try not to break any more of the bridge, other people need to use it.
Remember, if I die, you go back empty handed.
And you know how Alfonso likes a firing squad.
- What the hell? - What are you doing? Come on man, pick a bridge, any bridge.
Whoa! Keep it together.
No, no, no.
It's too frail, you can't go both at once.
Hooten, mind the - Whoa! - Yeah.
I hope you fall, big guy.
Double vision, I had double vision.
Well, that's good.
In what world is that good? It's another sympton.
Ella needs all the intel she can get, Hooten.
You know, bravo you.
Now it feels like my larynx is trying to strangle itself.
Just keep taking long, deep, breaths.
Even my legs are feeling dizzy.
Oh! Hooten! This is a mistake, we should go back down.
The hell we will.
Penny said that A.
saw something in the parchment.
You alright? Just find out whatever it is.
You are the expert, right? I wrote a paper on the period, which means I know more than you do.
But then, that's true about most things.
Way to talk to the dead guy.
Not dead yet.
Lovin' the optimism.
You're shivering.
Hot or cold? Both.
Cold's winning.
So Penny's still testing the cup that he drank from, but we think we've narrowed it down to Ranunculaceae Plant Family, possibly aconitum, but you know, we're getting there.
Oh, and um our forensic anthropologist informs us that most poisons derived from those used by Monks on their arrow heads.
And they used local plants, and remedies.
Clive wants a word.
How's Mr Hooten holding up? I'm really worried.
A high fever and shivering, but still with us.
Tell him to hang in there.
I promise you we are going to save him.
Thanks, Clive.
Oh Come on, Alex.
Where the thumb rises.
Maybe he was a hitchhiker.
Not helping.
Where the thumb rises on Heart Mountain and meets the sun.
Well, maybe that's it.
What? The first parts from Buddha.
Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, man cannot live without spiritual life.
Why is that in there? It must be deliberate.
Give me your lighter.
- Give it to me, please.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Great.
Hold this.
What is it? This must be what A.
It's a trick that monks use sometimes to pass messages that couldn't be seen by their enemies.
Theses are place names, this is a hidden map! Tell me that thumb thing again.
Where the thumb rises on Heart Mountain and meets the sun.
Well, if this is a map, and that's Heart Mountain, where's the sun? Neetma, Neetma is sun.
There! So if the start point is Heart Mountain, follow the path towards the sun.
Not with your thumbs.
The hand unclenches to reveal what's in the palm.
There! That's it! That's the temple's location.
Less than a mile away.
We gotta No, no, no, no.
It's dark and you need to rest.
We'll leave first thing in the morning.
Alex, I'm seeing spots.
Let's find somewhere safe to stop.
No, let's keep going.
This is it, this is the place.
Do you see the temple? Well, it should be here, it has to be.
- Hooten, you're too near the edge.
- Whatev - Hooten! - Aah! - Hang on I'm coming.
- Alex.
I'm blind.
How can a blind man see anything? You'd think Kapila would have thought about that logic.
The world's happiest country, it's the world's Stupidest.
You drink the poison, go blind, then find the scroll.
I'm nearly there.
Swing your left arm behind me.
Whoa! Good, good, good.
My God, you've found it! It's the temple.
This is incredible.
This probably hasn't been seen by human eyes for centuries.
That's right, rub it in Alex.
Oh, sorry, fairy steps Hooten.
We're going to make it.
You're going to make it.
That's the last step.
You stay there with Hildago, I go into the temple and see if I can find the scroll.
Uh Hooten, we have a problem.
I bet you've been dying to say that.
The door has no handle, there's no way in.
All right, check the surroundings, tell me what else is here.
Nothing much, some Buddhist statues, a couple of animals.
All right, look for look for a monkey.
You mean a Grey langur? Well what is a Grey langur? It's an Old World species of pale-armed Himalayan primate.
A Monkey? A langur.
Just just line me up with the monkey.
This is what you drive people to do.
Hooten! That was centuries old.
How the hell did you know to do that? You don't even know the old headbutt-the-temple-monkey trick.
You call yourself an expert.
If this place is so secret, there's bound to be booby traps.
What can you see? There's a court hall, and overgrown water garden.
You all right? Okay, sit down.
This way.
Okay, turn around.
It looks like A.
found the scroll.
Why didn't he leave? What's this? Very clever.
Alex, that doesn't sound good.
Hey! Where you going with that chest? Hey! The doors are closed.
I told you.
Booby traps.
This is an I.
That's what he was doing here.
To make sure that you paid him.
Did you promise him the scroll? Well, it wasn't a pinky promise.
I knew you were up to something.
God, why do I ever, ever listen to you? How are we supposed to get out now? We can't.
We have to hit the monkey symbol from the other side.
Oh! Oh, the one you broke.
There must be another way out.
If there is, I'm not seeing it.
Then again, I'm not seeing anything.
We're trapped.
Just like A.
Penny's figured it out.
It's Aconitum.
It's Aconitum Napellus.
Ah Monkshood.
So Attacks the gastric system, then the heart, so she needs atropine.
- Hello.
- Alex, yeah.
It's Clive.
The poison is Aconitum Napellus.
Uh Wait.
I can't hear you.
Say that again.
Clive! He's gone.
Door must be the killing signal.
Hooten! Don't you dare die.
You're not leaving me in here on my own.
Hooten! Ben? Who's Ben? I couldn't get there.
I'm so sorry.
My God, you're on fire.
I've got to cool you down.
This is for your own good.
Hooten! Hooten, don't you dare die.
Hooten! Think.
Think, Alex, think, think, think.
I'm a poison.
You stup Monks.
That's what Clive was saying.
Belladonna! This is called Belladonna.
But it's got atropine in it, which is another poison.
Which, on the surface of it might not seem like it's a very good idea.
The Shakti used to give it to the monks.
Helped them to use it to treat the symptoms of monkshood.
They sort of fight each other.
Hooten! Heart.
Wake up! Come on, you selfish bastard! Hooten! What happened? How long was I out? For for quite a long time, and you were technically dead.
This is Nirvana.
I came back as me.
I just gave you something, an An old monks trick, but I think you're going to be fine.
These monks and their tricks.
I I can explain that.
I look forward to it.
Is that lipbalm? Uh, no I can explain that as well.
Scroll? The scroll.
As far as I can tell, not that it will do us much good, we can't get out.
And before you ask, yes, I did find a Lan a monkey.
I hit it, and nothing happened.
Where? One there.
One there.
That's it? That's it.
What's that thing say anyway? Um "Love and eternity are as nothing if we are alone.
"Together, we shall live through death.
"But each of us in our own lives, "can reach Nirvana by only first showing love.
" What? I knew it.
It's not over till the fat guy sings.
Are you still delirious? Just stand over there.
Would you mind very much, telling me what it is we're doing.
Buddha-bing, baby.
That means you have to share the love.
It takes two hearts.
You should remember that before you marry Farquard.
- Edward.
- A.
was alone.
He couldn't escape because the scroll say we all need to share our lives with someone.
That's the Buddha's message.
- You can only find eternity - If you're together.
It takes two.
The langurs.
They need to be thumped at the same time.
On three.
Ready? One Two Three! So, would now be a good time to ask what you did to me while I was passed out? I didn't do anything.
I don't blame you, you know.
You saw an opportunity and you took it.
- So you - So I what? - Helped yourself.
- Ah, don't be ridiculous.
Well, you kissed me.
I gave you mouth to mouth! Which exactly describes kissing.
You know, you could be a little more grateful.
I saved your life! Look, I know I didn't unbutton my pants.
It sure as hell wasn't A.
I've tried to keep you cool.
Let me tell you something.
That wouldn't keep any man cool.
I'm not having this conversation.
If I find out I'm pregnant Oh, Hidalgo.
Karma, baby.
May I ask you something? Can I stop you? Who's Ben? Where did you hear that name? Your fever, you called out his name.
He was my son.
What do you mean, "was"? I lost him.
My Go I'm so sorry.
You how What happened to his mother? I lost her, too.
You made it! We found the temple.
It's wonderful.
- How is Kapila? - Come, Kapila's awake! Easy! I've just been cured.
Thanks to my little button buddy here.
I used Belladonna.
Quite brilliant! And the scroll? Please! Tell me that you found it! Oh, wonderful.
Kapila hasn't got long.
Wait! Are we missing someone? Your Your large friend.
- Um - Well You know how it is with friends.
Sometimes they come, and sometimes they go.
What do you want to do? 'Bout what? Are you still angry with her? She was doing what she thought was right.
I suspect you're a man that could use all the good karma that he can get.
You came back.
You made sure of that, remember? This was in A.
's hand.
He died holding on to it.
What does he say? That you'll be together.
They'll be waiting for you.
Ella says you're amazing.
Oh, that's Can't thank you enough.
Oh, nor you.
Once Kapila's burried, I'll place the scroll in our museum.
It'll cause quite a stir.
As it will when you loan it to us.
Well, sounds like we got a deal! Actually, I envy you your journey back.
Oh? Our Mr Hooten is a bit of a dish.
Is he? I can't say I see it myself but if you like to have his number? - Well, uh - Alright.
Let's haul ass your ladyshipness.
I'm gonna drive so I don't have to listen to that racket you love.
Otherwise known as Beethoven.
- Penny, a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.
- And if you're ever in Bhutan again.
- I'll make sure I don't drink the tea.
May I? That's not so hard.
Rather than wait for people to fall asleep, so you can just help yourself.
Help myself? Oh, so annoying You didn't say that when you had your tongue down my throat.
I did not have my to I was giving you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Ripping my clothes? - Loosening your clothes.
Then, there was the other thing.
Don't, Hooten.
You've got one guess.
Ah well, you stole my .
- Hello.
- Hello.
Are you still grumpy? I wasn't grumpy.
You were livid! You haven't seen my livid.
How did you get home? Did you find what you were looking for? Which is why we are celebrating! Champagne? Um Beer.
Come on.
Do you know you've got me for eternity? Oh, hell, now I am livid.
It's always a pleasure for me and the boys to welcome you back at the hacienda.
But there is one question I've been meaning to ask you.
Are you sure you don't know what happened to Hidalgo? I have no idea, but like he said in the message, I paid in full.
So if I were you, I'd be a little more careful who I had on the payroll.
Present company excluded, of course.
Fifty thousand.
See your fifty, and I'll raise you another fifty.
You know I'm good for it.
It's Ella, she's in trouble.
Ella? I'm in Ethiopia.
You bring the spoon, and then they'll let me go.
She's being held ransom for a spoon? Who are these people? Some unyielding psychopaths.
He told me to come alone.
But you didn't actually come alone? My mother always says that if the day starts badly then it can only get better.
She doesn't look very happy.
Kill them.
Transcribed and synced by Hoody Team for