House Husbands (2012) s03e01 Episode Script

1 (DOG BARKING) - Should we bring Schnapps? - He's not that kind of dog.
Well, if he reckons there's going to be trouble.
I said there's a chance there could be trouble.
Well, he's not a guard dog.
He doesn't like conflict.
Will you just tell us what's happening here? I'm going in.
You blokes backing me up, or what? Run, run, run! (YELLING) - Get in the car! - Run, run, run, run! Go! Let's go.
Go! Go! Open the door! - Open the door! Let him in! - I can't! The child lock! The child lock! Alright.
Come on! - Donkey Woowoo! Donkey Woowoo! - What?! They're coming.
They're coming.
Let's go! Let's go! Who are you? Jem, eat your toast.
Ah! Here comes Donkey Woowoo.
- I want plaits.
- I don't do plaits.
Now, what are we gonna get Mark and Abi for the naming ceremony? Well, if it's not a real christening, the baby doesn't need a real present.
- Hmm, well, that's friendly.
- Yeah, you're her guide parent, Dad.
- Her what? - It's just like godparents.
- You're very important, Mr Crabb.
- I'm not anybody's guide parents.
What a stupid word.
Ah, it's two words, Mr Crabb.
And they can't give their child that name.
I like it.
You're just saying that to be nice.
- You should try it some time.
- I need money for the orangutans.
It says here Year 2 students need a gold coin donation.
What's an orangutan going to do with a gold coin? Ignore him.
He's just grumpy because business is slow.
- My business is doing just fine.
- Bye, Dad.
I still reckon you're rushing into this.
Moving in's a big step.
- You want to be sure.
- 12 months.
Long enough to be sure, isn't it? Don't want to be late, Mrs Crabb.
Ryan, call me Gemma, remember? - Bye, Lewis.
- Still Mr Crabb, for me.
Right.
Give us a look.
- Ta-da! - Perfect.
I was scared of dentists and the dark I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations Oh, all my friends are turning green You're the magician's assistant in their dream Ooh-oh-oh Oh, and they come unstuck Lady, running down to the riptide Taken away to the dark side I wanna be your left-hand man I love you when you're singing that song And I got a lump in my throat Cos you're gonna sing the words wrong There's this movie that I think you'll like This guy decides to quit his job And heads to New York City This cowboy's running from himself And she's been living on the highest shelf Ooh-oh-oh Oh, and they come unstuck Lady, running down to the riptide Taken away to the dark side I wanna be your left-hand man I love you when you're singing that song Good day.
Grade 2.
They're growing up.
Hey, check out the new parents.
Remember that? Day one.
Amateurs.
Big day.
Abi's gone back to work.
Have you told her yet? - Not yet.
- Mate, you can't call that child Mildred.
Alright, OK, I get it.
I I'm just trying to figure out how to tell her.
Yeah.
I mean, you've only had six months.
How about, "I hate our child's name?" - Subtle.
- The naming ceremony's in two days.
It's a bit late for subtle.
Alright, I will do it tonight! I'm just launching my company today.
Very high-risk venture, going out on your own.
I'm going glocal.
You know, I'd appreciate a little bit of support.
Oh, g'day.
Can I get two chicken and a lamb, thanks? Yeah, no probs.
Dad, I need one gold coin.
OK.
Can you believe this? I mean, I'm all for supporting the orangutans, but asking for donations on the very first day of school is ridiculous.
Hey, Miss Luby! Hi! Oh, we were just discussing how wonderful it is to be supporting the orangutans.
Every teacher gets to choose a charity, and this was mine.
Oh, great choice.
You've requested that they all be in the same class again.
- We want to be together.
- He means the kids.
I'm taking them this year.
- Wow! Awesome.
That's fantastic.
- Great.
Lewis, that work you did on the science lab, it's not up to scratch.
- I'm sorry? - We asked for red doors.
Yeah, but there was some green paint left over.
Pro-bono is not an excuse for sub-standard.
Ah pro what? We'll fix it.
- Did we do that for free? - You volunteered.
Oh, no, we didn't.
Apple pie? - For the staff, to show our appreciation.
- Thank you.
Oh, nice.
OK.
First day back.
How's the baby brain going? I have got 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' permanently in my head, and I keep rocking the supply trolley.
- What did I miss? - Hi, Mrs Gemma.
Dr Albert.
There's Ryan.
Oh, and the new system.
We have to get all the patients through the ED in a four-hour time frame.
Ugh, more bureaucratic nonsense from upstairs.
Don't worry, I'll do what I always do: nod my head, smile and ignore.
I'm implementing the new system.
Oops.
If I can get everybody through and we hit our target - Wait, that's the super, yeah? - Mike? No, Mitch.
No.
Oh, baby brain.
- I know it starts with an 'M'.
- Oh, Jerry.
- Jerry! Good to see you.
- Gemma.
- Abigail.
Back from maternity leave? - Yeah.
Not that it was really leave.
I was working a lot, keeping up, medical journals galore.
Good.
Uh, Gemma tells me a new consultancy position's coming up.
You wouldn't be interested.
You're not the last one back to have a baby.
Yeah, but the baby's had, done.
No more babies.
Plus, she's older now, virtually self-sufficient.
- How old? - Six months.
But even though I'm only just back, it's really easy to compartmentalise the whole mother-doctor thing.
It's like, baby what baby? I'm so focused I'll probably forget to go home.
- She's joking, Jerry, she's kidding.
- So, that position.
- It's got my name on it, right? - It's good to know you're interested.
He's written me off as a mum! I'm trying to prove I'm serious.
- Abi, sweetheart.
- What? - Leaking.
- Oh.
Abi has expressed milk into bottles for every feed.
And it's OK if she goes down to the park to play with Jem.
And, uh, her big sleep, that has to be in the cot, OK? Because Abi very much believes in routine.
She's left a couple of, um, friendly reminders.
- Ah, just a couple? - Yeah.
- OK, well I'm off to work.
- See ya.
- One more thing.
- (PHONE RINGS) Oh, excuse me.
Nick! How are you? Yes.
All set up.
It's very boutique, very excited.
Yeah.
Make your mark.
Little play on words.
You're not you're not coming across? Oh, OK.
Um, no, no, no.
No, no problem.
Bye.
Dumped? Tough.
Phoebe, look, I think that's it's important that we have a line between work Do you think I can call her Millie? It's better than Mildred, don't you think? Look, I'm not much of a fan of the name Mildred either.
But Sophie We were very excited about Sophie, but then when Abi had the baby and the doctor put the baby on her, tears of joy, and Abi said "To my mother.
" It was, um, it was Abi's mother's name.
Her mother's passed away.
- She was very close to her.
- Oh.
So, you know, what am I meant to do? Um, isn't that what middle names are for? Is everything OK? They've only been back at school a few hours.
- Have a seat.
- Is it Stella? Is she behind? - I meant to do more revision during the holidays.
- It's you.
I lost a crown at morning tea today.
- Oh, that's bad luck.
- I broke my tooth on your apple pie.
There was a gold coin in it.
I have no idea how that got there.
I heard you making rude remarks about my orangutan initiative this morning.
No, I love orangutans.
You share their DNA.
Well, not you personally.
We all do.
Humans.
Stella told me that you had complained about making gold coin donations.
Only on the first day.
It was a very stressful morning.
And Tom's training overseas.
I had a lot to juggle.
So, you were making a point by putting a gold coin in my pie.
No! It was a gift.
The pie was a gift.
Next time you give me a gift, try not to make it lethal.
If it was a day's work, I would've happily done it for free.
But we spent a week here! Fixing the roof, re-laying carpet.
Painting doors, twice.
It was for the school, mate.
I couldn't charge them.
Yeah, well we can't afford it.
It's ended up costing us the materials.
Anyway, you paid me for this work.
You transferred the money.
Are you padding my pay? - No.
- Well, what was the payment for? I knew you'd have a problem with pro-bono work.
You just can't admit your stupid handyman idea isn't working out, can you? We're making money! Yeah, well, not enough.
Got three kids, Lewis.
Lucy's moving in.
She'll help out.
Yeah, I can't make your daughter support my family.
- Kane.
- I need a drink.
Just wanted to start the year like a normal parent.
Now we're the family that tried to kill Ms Luby.
Not necessarily a negative.
It's not funny.
I can't keep running the business from home.
There's no room.
No wonder gold coins end up in pies.
- At least you have business.
- We have a business.
It's still growing, that's all.
I'm shrinking.
Two of my big clients from Data Draft said they'd come over if I went out on my own.
They reneged today.
I've gotta rebrand.
- More drinks, guys? - No, thanks.
- We've gotta get going.
- We don't normally drink during the day.
- Never.
- Suit yourselves.
Drinks are half price, that's all.
- All of them? - Yeah.
- Getting rid of stock.
I'm selling, so - Why? Can't get the clientele.
It used to be packed every night.
Now it's just new families moving in, you know.
Everyone's got two kids, a dog and a mortgage.
Everyone goes to bed by 7:30.
Four whiskies.
Straight.
- What about school pick-up? - He's got a nanny.
Yeah, I dropped Ange off, too.
That's a lot of kids for Phoebe.
She'll cope.
She's my daughter.
Maybe just one more.
What are you doing in my trundle bed? Oh! Oh oh.
Bleeding.
Mmm.
You've got an earring in your eyebrow.
Oh, wow! Oh.
What happened to you guys last night? I think we accidentally bought a pub.
Yay! Uh, Stel, no sudden movements.
Daddy's got a headache.
Why didn't you stop me? You kept saying you needed rebranding.
Can we just focus on the real problem here? We bought a pub.
Can't we just un-buy it? We signed a contract, remember? - Not really.
- Vaguely.
- And paid a deposit.
- With my money.
Hey, what if we don't un-buy it? Last night, that pub was the solution to all our problems.
- Yeah.
So was an eyebrow ring.
- Yeah, profitable business.
Chance for you to run your own commercial kitchen, away from home.
Look, it's the business we bought, not the building.
The lease is reasonable.
Split four ways, we can do it.
Come on, how good could this be? Four mates running a pub.
It's the ultimate man dream.
Is that your pitch, 'cos that's just not gonna cut it with the people we need to convince.
Can you just listen to what we have to say? If last night's any indication, is you lot owning a pub such a great idea? We're going to be on the other side of the bar.
That's supposed to make us feel better? More wine, ladies? Have you been told to keep our glasses full? Yep.
Look, what what happened last night, that will never happen again, OK? We were just drowning our sorrows.
Owning a pub, we won't have any sorrows.
Until it all goes pear-shaped.
Look, I know pubs.
I've worked in them for years.
And I'll be running the kitchen.
Nepean South love my food, that's proven.
Lewis will be business head.
What are you going to do? Marketing.
I'll I'll be re-positioning the brand and finding us a new clientele.
- No-one goes to this pub.
- That didn't put you off? Well, no.
It just means that we got it for a good price.
We aren't going to stop this, are we? It'd be a shame to lose the deposit.
Who goes licensee? You can't have a criminal record and go licensee.
I'm out.
Kane's the man.
He's in charge of the restaurant.
I can't.
I've got form.
- Tony Owens.
- Who? His first love, 1999.
Stood me up on New Year's Eve.
I saw in the birth of the new millennium alone, with a sparkler.
So I broke into his bike shop and punctured all his tyres.
Although 12 weeks' community service kind of sucked.
- Right-o.
Lewis, you're up, then.
- I vote Mark.
- Mark's already got a lot on his plate.
- Yeah What what she said.
Since when have you said no to power, Dad? - Mmm.
- I don't want to take on too much.
Anyway, we can sort this out later.
You need a licensee.
- Well, if you can't agree on this - He'll do it.
Of course he will.
I've got a record too.
Lamb's ready.
Mmm, lamb.
It's very well cooked, Lewis.
It's delicious.
Mine was a bit overdone.
- So, what did you do wrong, Mr Crabb.
- Ryan.
No, it's OK, Ryan.
We'd all like to know.
What did you do wrong, Lewis? Assault.
Nice.
- Anyone we know? - No.
- I was young and stupid.
- We all make mistakes.
Some of us more than others.
Oh, mmm, salad.
Excellent.
Yeah, mate.
I should get the recipe.
Who was it? This assault.
I got in a fight.
- A fight.
- In a pub.
Did you do, like, community service too? I had to do some time.
Beechworth.
Prison? Who wants dessert? Lewis has made a nice, big trifle.
Double strawberry surprise.
So, what did you do to this guy you assaulted? I can hardly remember.
Try.
I punched him.
Well, it must have been a pretty big punch.
- You went to jail.
- I might've broken something.
- Broken what? - His jaw.
Why? We were playing pool and he sat on the table to pocket a ball.
So you broke his jaw? Well, you've got to have one foot on the ground when you take your shot, that's the rules.
So is not belting the crap out of people.
You've been to jail! - Briefly.
- But you never told me.
- Well, you never asked.
- Why would I ask? Oh, uh, ever been to Fiji, darl? No? How about prison? It was so long ago.
It was before I was married the first time.
Make any friends? - Where? - In the prison yard - at Beechworth Correctional Facility.
- Gemma, you're making a much bigger deal than it really is.
- How much bigger can it get? - It was a few months! We did a lot of woodwork, mainly spice racks.
You've lied to me for ten years, and you're talking spice racks.
It was another lifetime.
I much prefer this one.
It's garbage night.
Did you know about Lewis? No! It's infected.
Ow! Everything alright? I mean - you seem, uh - What? Nothing.
Sweetie, about, um Mildred, the name.
- How could you be so stupid! - Oh, I know.
Eyebrow ring.
Bad idea.
The pub chick had one and oh, no, no, it wasn't like that.
I mean, she was gay.
She still is.
You bought a pub.
- But you seemed fine about it at Lewis'.
- I had to be! Gemma and Lucy were all won over.
I didn't want to be the cow who said no.
- You think I'm a cow.
- Did I say that? You said you were going to use your redundancy package to launch your new business.
Now it's going towards a pub, Mr Licensee! It is not my fault all my friends are criminals! You're the one going into business with them! Look, I'm still into my marketing company.
It's just this is a great opportunity.
I don't have to put all my eggs in one basket.
As long as you can cope with all the baskets.
- Ow! - What were you going to say about Mildred? Nothing.
You think it'll turn Gemma off the pub? Depends how forgiving she's feeling.
I'm organising a loan.
Bub, it's risky, impulsive, crazy.
Sexy.
Not seeing that so much.
All this time I've been slogging behind a bar.
You'll still be slogging behind a bar.
Yeah, but this time I'll own the bar.
A quarter.
Do you know how lucky you are to have such an understanding and supportive girlfriend? Lucky I've got you every day to remind me.
Oh.
For he has stolen all All the good that you had All the things you loved and was sure of And I have given less Oh, oh, than you deserve For I should rebuild this broken heart And darling, when your feet are cold Wait up, I'm coming home And all of you, I will hold My love will clothe your bones And darling, when your feet are cold Wait up, I'm coming home And all of you, I will hold My love will clothe your bones Hey, Pops, would you like to make a special speech at your sister's naming ceremony tonight? Can I talk about my stink bug? Sound asleep.
Did well.
Oh, no, I've, yeah, um Skype call.
Might have my first client.
Little bit unusual.
Meet them today.
Thought you had to go over the pub contract.
- Oh, afterwards.
- Busy.
Two businesses.
Lots of baskets.
Yuck, it tastes gross! Oh, yeah.
No, that milk's off.
Oh, no, it's not working! Oh, this is all gonna be off.
Why don't you just express some more? I have been up with her all night.
I've got nothing left.
Well, OK.
Um, what about formula? No, I know how you feel about it, but, no Where did you get that? It is chock full of goodness.
It's got vitamin A, D, E.
It's got ascorbyl pa 'Palamalamalate'.
It's look, I know that it doesn't have white blood cells and antibodies and all the magic stuff that's in your boobs.
You can bring her in for feeds.
10-hour shift, you'd only have to come in twice.
Hey, contract looks good.
- Seven days till we settle.
- Great.
Are they being careful with that pool table? Hey, kids, be careful.
- Morning, all! - Hey.
- Dad.
- How's Gemma this morning? Everyone's fine.
How's that pub? Good.
Oh, I've I've, um, got a little bit of an incident here.
Um, is there a change room anywhere? - What? - Don't worry.
I'm sure the floor's super clean.
You've got no baby-changing facilities? - No.
- No high chairs either.
I'm in the office if you need me.
You see where I'm going here? She keeps saying they're in a family area, but they've got nothing.
No high chairs, no play equipment, no parents' room.
No kids' menu.
That's our rebranding.
The Unicorn, a family friendly pub.
Free food for kids on Sundays.
Half-price Fridays for mothers' group.
Trivia night for the Nepean South under-8s soccer team.
- Bring it on.
- (PHONE RINGS) Hey, Gemma.
I need a favour.
You've got access to legal documents and court judgements and stuff.
Some.
This is about Dad? Look, I need to know that the guy he hit is OK.
That was over 20 years ago.
But you can do it.
Didn't Dad say he was OK? Mmm.
This isn't like you two, sneaking around.
Will you check for me? G'day, mate.
I was just going to whack one of these in there.
Suppose I could just give it to you now.
I'm Lewis, I'm a handyman.
No job too small.
We've got a great deal on at the moment.
We give you a free hour of fixing bits and bobs up, and if you're happy, you'll use us next time, you know.
Hopefully for something bigger.
Oh, come on, you're not gonna be like my daughter, are you? Leave it all up to your old man to fix.
No, Dad's not around.
Well, there must be something that needs fixing.
The challenge is in trying to crack quite a niche market.
Sargent Schnapps sold all over the world.
It was a hit show.
Can I ask why you left? Well, storylines in the last series got too violent.
He doesn't like conflict.
And we couldn't agree on fees.
Um, does he do any tricks? Does he dance on his little Schnapps is a serious actor, he's not a celebrity dog.
Why don't I send you a proposal and we'll see what we can do to, you know, get him back in the limelight.
We're not doing anything until you two spend some time together.
Schnapps has to agree to work with you.
You need to bond.
Now? Hey.
How's your jailbird? Sorry, I didn't mean to make a joke.
You know the new system that we've been discussing I'm implementing? - Four-hour turnaround? - Mmm.
Well, here's our success rate from last week.
- Impressive! Well done.
- Mmm, yep.
And here's how things have spiralled since you've come back.
Abi, you're not even trying to get the patients through quickly.
- I am.
It's just - Come on, you know what you're like, right? You won't delegate because you're a control freak.
You won't send anyone through to the ward because you have to crack every diagnosis yourself.
OK, that's a little bit true, but I've been on maternity leave.
I guess I'm just trying to prove myself.
Prove yourself by sticking to the system.
Right, good point.
Upstairs, we were going to reward all my nursing staff with a lunch today if we hit the monthly target.
- No lunch? - And that was a sure thing until I stuffed it.
Easy as.
- Anything else? - No, thanks.
I don't own the place, but I'll pass your details on to the real estate agent.
The people they use are pretty crap, so Thanks, mate.
- Yeah, renting, are you? - Yeah.
I don't know how young people afford to buy.
What sort of work do you do? - Import, export.
- TVs.
Yeah, that sort of thing.
Uh, look, I've got a few places I need to be.
So, if you don't mind Are you married, Ned? How'd you know my name? - Shaun send you? - Who? Yeah, see, I knew you were dodgy doing all this shit for free.
I knew you were fake.
- Listen, mate - Get out, get out.
No, no, no, listen! It's not what you think! I'm your dad! My dad's dead.
Didn't he mention you were adopted? Yeah.
Why all the bullshit? You know, pretending to fix me deck? I did fix your deck for free.
I wasn't sure you'd want to meet me.
I don't.
Mate, you're gonna need stitches.
- Just let me take you to hospital.
- (PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.
The guy was OK.
Uh, broken jaw.
Dad got three months.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry.
You know I don't doubt your dad.
One thing: this all happened at the guy's house.
Dad said it was at a pub.
Why would he lie about that? Ah, Gemma.
Mr Crabb is here.
I've gotta go.
Is that your missus? She doesn't know, does she? - Hi.
This is Ned.
- Ned.
- I fixed his deck.
- OK.
And then he fell down the stairs.
It was a good thing he was there.
Oh, hey, Lewis.
You need stitches.
I'll do it really quickly.
What happened to your head? The graze? I don't know.
Doesn't hurt.
I'm going to move the car.
- So, you're a friend of Lewis'? - Nup.
Oh.
I thought you said this was going to be quick.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Sorry, one sec.
Where have you been? - She must be starving! - (DOG BARKING) What was that? My client.
Why couldn't you bring her in? I was in the middle of s Jerry, hi.
Uh, this is not normal.
The fridge broke.
I've heard the figures for the new system have taken a dive.
Room for improvement there.
Yeah.
Great.
That was my boss.
Now he thinks I spend all day feeding in the car park! Well, I can't just take a dog into a hospital.
Why do you even have a dog? We're bonding.
He's he's my client.
I told you you're taking on too much.
- I can handle it.
- Really? You run a people management company and your only client is a dog.
You call that handling it? Well, maybe if you weren't such a perfectionist, Mildred would have formula and I'd have a few more clients.
I want things to be perfect for our child! - Is there something wrong with that? - Well, her name is hardly perfect.
- What? - I hate the name Mildred.
- Yeah.
- Ohh.
You're back.
Yeah, I got a park on the green level.
Why? Well, the green level is closer to the exit.
Why are you here? Well, I brought the kid in.
I feel responsible.
I just want to make sure he's OK.
Look, I do not know what's going on with you, but what I do know is that man you assaulted, it wasn't in a pub.
- It was at his house.
- How do you know that? I am not going to apologise for doing my own digging around when, clearly, you're not telling me the truth.
Hey! Where's Abi? She's through there, I think.
Hang on, what's in those? - You can't take food through there.
- They're pies.
Abi says all the nurses hate her and she needs to buy their friendship.
And their lunch.
Dr Albert, I am so sorry.
I know you said to watch him, but I just turned my back for one moment and - Who? - The guy with the hand.
He he's gone and he hasn't been discharged yet.
- I should go and check on him.
- Why? Well, he seemed like he was in some sort of trouble.
You fixed his deck.
Why are you getting so involved? Whose deck? I thought we were dropping the handyman stuff? - Yeah, I can still dabble.
- Oh.
- I might need a hand.
- What for? - To check on Ned.
- Who? Lewis, what's going on? We need to hurry.
You guys coming? Well Will you just tell us what's happening here? I'm going in.
You blokes backing me up or what? Run, run, run! Get him! Quick! - Get in the car! - Run, run, run, run! Go! Whoa! Go, go! Get him! Whoa! - Donkey Woowoo! - They're coming.
- They're coming! Let's go! - Go! Let's go! Who are you? I'm his son.
He hasn't told the missus yet, so maybe just keep it quiet.
Hey, Mark? - Are you right to pick up Tilda? - Yeah, of course.
Here's their sneakers for minkey.
- What's minkey? - Mini hockey.
OK.
Hey, uh you good here? Yeah.
Easy enough to replace a tail light.
I'll see you tonight.
It's nice Lewis has got a son, isn't it? I don't think it's going to work out.
The pub.
Hey, Lewis' mess doesn't have to affect No, it's not just Lewis.
I'm overcommitted, apparently.
Abi's not cool with it.
We just put a deposit on this place.
It'll all be ours soon.
If you need to keep a low profile, you could hang here for a while.
There's rooms upstairs.
Yeah, maybe.
'Cos going home doesn't seem such a good idea.
Hey, sorry about your tail light.
What kind of trouble are you in? You worry about your own problems, mate.
I've got a lot of relatives.
Obviously not blood-related, but just as annoying.
Aunts, uncles, I can't stand any of them.
It's the same with friends.
Maybe there's a few that don't annoy the crap out of me, but the rest, just I'm not a big people person either.
So you'll understand, then? Why I don't wanna reconnect.
Yeah, sure.
Nice decorations.
I was going with frangipanis 'cos they were Mum's favourite, but Mildred will grow on me.
- You hate it.
- Yeah, I do, I do.
I don't get why you never said anything.
Well, I didn't want to upset you.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm such a fruitcake.
It's first week.
Pressure.
It's pressure every day.
At home, I'm a doctor instead of a mum, and at work, I'm - Yeah, I hear you.
- Everywhere I look, everything I read reminds me of how inadequate I am.
Formulas, poison, even strollers are evil.
According to this, we're meant to carry her around until she's old enough to leave home.
I told you never to read the books.
She watches five minutes of television, her brain will shrink.
It will anyway, because she's not bilingual or at baby music, and her mum works, so, psychologically, she's screwed.
My parents threw us on a mattress in the back of the car and went down to the pub and got pissed every night, and then they'd drive home.
Until I was 10, when they made me drive.
I grew up eating meat pies, I didn't eat a vegetable till I was 30 and I watched three hours of cartoons every day, and look at me, I'm fine.
We need to lower the bar.
Who cares what everybody else thinks? - We are slapdash.
- Oh, and proud.
We just need to lower the standards, and I'll be able to handle the baby, the business and the pub.
I know it was supposed to be a surprise, but I only showed Mum.
You made this.
It's beautiful.
We're the guide parents.
Hey, Til, why don't you pop upstairs and put your party dress on? There's something I need you to see.
Who's this? The baby's my son.
We adopted him out before we had Lucy.
I went to see him a few months later just to, you know, just to check and see how he was getting along.
It was a stupid thing to do.
His father didn't want me there.
And he was in the right.
Those were the terms of the adoption.
Once you handed the kid over, that was it.
But I wouldn't listen.
I was drunk.
And we argued, and I hit the bloke.
You told me that it was over a game of pool.
Another lie.
The guy who came into the hospital today? That's Ned.
My son.
All grown up.
Do they have cake at naming ceremonies? - Ah, yeah, I think so.
- Yay! Ta.
Gemma, please, talk to me.
I'm not gonna spoil today for Mark and Abi.
That means I can't look at you.
Hey! Here are the guide parents.
Say hi to the camera, guide parents! - Hi! - Hi.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm good.
- This is for the guest of honour.
- Wow.
Wow, thank you! - Yeah, you do a solid doll's house, Lewis.
- I know.
So, uh, everything sorted out with, um? Yep.
- Pub's good.
- Yeah? That's good.
- Abi's cool? - Yeah, yeah.
She, um How would you feel about calling it 'The Mildred'? Our pub? Yeah.
I kinda did a deal.
Excuse me, everyone! I'm making a speech.
This is a special day because it's for my baby sister.
Mum says I need to think of something nice to say.
When my sister burps, it's really loud, and when she laughs, it makes everyone giggle, especially me.
She laughs a lot at Uncle Lewis, 'cos his head's funny.
That's why he's her special fairy guide father.
Thanks, Poppy.
And Aunty Gemma is her fairy guide mother, because she goes with Uncle Lewis.
Also, Daddy hates the name Mildred, so we're calling her Sophie.
- The End.
- Yay! Awesome speech, Pops.
What are you gonna tell your daughters? Does Lucy even know that she has a full-blood brother? No, but I will.
Ned doesn't want to have anything to do with me, so nothing's going to change.
You got into a fight and you went to jail, you wanted to see him so badly.
What, now you think that nothing's going to change? That was a long time ago.
He was a baby.
- Here you go.
- What's this for? Oh, that's for the couch.