I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Welcome to Barracuda boardroom.
So, Barracudas, as you'll see, our product, happy time flavor-changing yum yum spray makes vegetables cool.
It makes broccoli, rock-oli.
And makes turnips, turn-hip.
In other words, it makes every veggie Spray-okay.
Mr.
Barracuda, sir.
How long until commercial? Oh, no.
Is something wrong? Wrong? No, of course not.
The only thing wrong would be if the Barracuda boardroom blew their opportunity to invest in our amazing product, happy time flavor-changing yum yum spray.
Right, guys? Guys? So who's ready to invest? You're nothing but trouble but trouble's what I like Got a whole lot to figure it out so why start tonight Just take a picture of me taking a picture of you Making the face that makes me laugh And you start laughing too And when the world looks upside down Just flip the camera the other way around 'Cause this will be the time of our, time of our lives We're taking the world by surprise Hang on it's a crazy ride Yeah, this will be the time of our, time of our lives And even when it don't feel right Know that you're doing just fine 'Cause this is the time of our lives Are you nervous? Are you excited? Of course.
I've spent months putting together the ditka high healthy eating nutritional value school lunch initiative.
All that time and you couldn't come up with a catchier name? Or at least a shorter one.
What are you guys are talking about? It fits perfectly on the poster.
Now.
Anyway, today's my first day of my veggie lunch menu, and it's going to change the way students eat forever.
I don't want to overstate it, but I may save lives.
I can just imagine how excited people are going to be.
Lindy, the ditka high healthy eating nutritional value school lunch initiative is a big hit.
And kudos on the fabulous name.
Our millions of viewers watching want to know, how does it feel to have pioneered the most historic dietary revolution in high school history? It's not about me.
It's about all of you.
And the vegetables.
And okay, maybe a little me.
Lindy! Lindy! Lindy All right, time to change the world, people! Lindy! She's the one responsible.
Boo? Don't you mean yay? Hey! My sister's doing something to keep you all healthy! You should be thanking her! You have destroyed food forever.
I'm sorry, Lindy.
We know how hard you've worked on this.
Well, I'm loving it.
These quinoa sliders are delicious.
And fun to say.
Quinoa.
Quinoa.
Quinoa! Makes me want to eat more foods that begin with a q.
How about a quarter pounder of quiet? You know, guys, I don't get it.
Why aren't people more excited about eating veggies? Kids have to be tricked into eating vegetables.
Has to be fun.
Don't ask me about veggies.
I'm a meat and potatoes gal.
Potatoes are vegetables, Delia.
Well, then I'm a meat and more meat gal.
I am not giving up that easily.
People just need to be educated about vegetables.
That's right.
Y'all need a veg-ucation! If that means a vacation from you talking about vegetables, then I'm in.
Logan, enough.
Jasmine, back me up here.
I'm sorry, Lindy.
I'm totally distracted trying to figure out what to do for my chemistry project.
Come up with a spray that makes Lindy's food taste better.
Well, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said.
Well, actually, that's not the dumbest thing he's ever said.
Oh, jas, thanks for the warm fuzzy.
A formula that chemically alters the molecular structure of vegetables to create a positive reaction in your taste buds.
That's what I said.
Make gross stuff taste good in your mouth-hole.
This sounds like a disaster.
This sounds like a slam dunk.
You want to be partners? Like, you can do the chemistry and the work and stuff, and I'll count the money we make.
Then I'll re-count it, just to be sure.
Uh-oh.
What? Now I know why they call them quinoa sliders.
Oh, hey, so I've been thinking.
Since your terrible initiative idea led to my awesome spray idea, you want to be a partner, too? Huh, become a partner in a fictional business that hasn't been started based on a chemistry project that hasn't been done.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
I'm detecting a note of skepticism.
Logan, I love you, but you don't really have the best business sense.
Do I have to remind you about the squirrel petting zoo? Get it off! Get it off! Mom! I got a bad batch of squirrels, all right? And one failure does not a bad businessman make.
One? What about edible sunglasses? Bubble wrap slippers? Well, that that was crustless, cheeseless pizza? It was ahead of its time! It was a handful of sauce.
You know, with that attitude, I'm about to take my partnership offer off the table.
Oh, you can take it off the table, put it in a doggy bag, and bury it in the backyard with your shakel.
The half-shovel, half-rake was ahead of its time, too.
Could you hand me those test tubes over here, please? You got it, partner.
Test tube, test tube.
One, two, three.
Is this thing on? Well, this is fun, Logan.
And we never get to hang out.
Well, we do have chemistry.
You think we have chemistry? I know we do.
Fourth period.
I'm the guy who's always snoring behind you.
Okay, let's get started testing some formulas.
Oh, perfect timing.
My assistant has arrived.
Please don't call me your assistant.
That's so beneath me.
I prefer Guinea pig.
Flavor enhancing spray taste test number one.
Not too sweet.
Not too bitter.
It's just disgusting.
It tastes like feet.
Oh, it still tastes like feet.
You know, feet don't taste that bad.
Hey, can I talk to you about vegetables? Hey, can I talk to you about vegetables? Hey, you're kind of cute.
What? I said can I talk to you about vegetables? Doctors recommend eating five servings of vegetables a day.
Here check out this pamphlet.
Thanks.
I'll definitely check it out.
Hey, Garrett, my veggie-bro! You know, I could really use your help on preaching the gospel of Greens.
'Cause you and me, we get it.
Well, I've got something all right.
These vegetables are wreaking havoc on my digestive system.
Garrett, the bathroom's the other way.
Oh, I'm going home.
I never use school bathrooms.
Never? Well, I've never had to.
I used to have a very dependable schedule.
One express train in the morning.
Now I'm making stops all day, and the Mr.
marks, put the chili fries down and try a salad! For goodness sake, you teach health class.
Oh, hey, guys.
You know, my veg-ucation is going off in here.
Well, I've got big news of my own.
Our veggie spray is done, and it is fantastic.
It makes anything taste good.
Even edible sunglasses? You know, maybe it works as squirrel repellent, and you can bring the petting zoo back.
Actually, it turned out really great.
You know, Logan had a pretty good idea there.
Oh, thanks, partner.
We've got samples of it on every table in the cafeteria.
Kids are trying it out right now.
Still time to join us and get in on the ground floor.
And what? Ride it straight down to the parking garage? Look, guys, I hate to be blunt, but this is a terrible idea and it's never going to work.
Doesn't sound like you hate to be blunt.
All I'm saying is I care about you guys.
So don't go in there expecting backflips and a standing ovation.
Veggie-spray! Veggie-spray! That was amazing! Everybody loves the spray! And I'm so glad I got in on the ground floor! We're here at ditka high with the teen inventors of this revolutionary vegetable-enhancing spray.
Guys, what do you call this amazing new product? Well, I guess we haven't given much thought happy time flavor-changing yum yum spray.
Brilliant.
So, young geniuses, our network heard about your product and they want you to appear on Barracuda boardroom! Have you heard of it? The reality show where fledgling inventors pitch their ideas to wealthy entrepreneurs in hopes of securing start-up capital? Sounds vaguely familiar.
We'd love to be on it! Great! We'll see you in the boardroom.
What just happened? Well, I just did a backflip.
And we're going to be on Barracuda boardroom.
I can't believe it! I can't believe it either.
Bet you're eating your words now, huh? Want to put some spray on 'em? Hi, mom.
Really need you to come pick me up.
It's a rather pressing matter.
Let's just say the brussels are about to sprout.
Garrett, you've already run to your house three times.
Do you really need more raw vegetables? I can't help it.
I love them, but they don't love me back.
Kind of like Amy reznick.
And Gina cattando.
And Paula mandell.
And yes, Delia.
I get it.
I've had some dating setbacks.
Miranda fernwood.
Well, your lady luck's about to change now that we're sitting on a billion-dollar business.
I bet that's how much the Barracudas give us for this idea.
Logan, don't get ahead of yourself.
We still have work to do.
Let's not get all pie in the sky.
Ooh, pie in the sky.
That's another great idea I can pitch the Barracudas! Okay, picture it.
One of those giant balloons floating in the sky, and hanging from it is a restaurant that only serves pies.
And I'll call it pie in the sky? I was thinking balloon pies, but that works, too.
All right, guys, focus! We need a Barracuda presentation.
It's really important that we Oh, I had no idea anybody was down here doing I have no idea what.
It's a team yum yum meeting.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to bother you guys but if there's anything I can do to help, I'd be more than happy to.
Thanks, lind.
Okay.
You know what? I mean anything.
Okay? Anything at all.
Just ask.
Okey-doke.
Whether it is helping with your plans or figuring out deadlines or coming up with a snappy slogan, or even a jingle jingle jing-lllllllle! I'll be upstairs.
She so wants to be part of this.
I know.
It's great.
Wait.
Hey, Lindy, you know what? Yes, what is it? There is something you can do for us.
Yeah, yeah, of course, what is it? Could you bring us down some iced tea? Oh.
Okay, sure.
Don't you think you've tortured her enough? Are you kidding? With twins, it's really never enough.
Come on, she clearly wants in.
It's eating her up inside.
Trust me, I know what that feels like.
Maybe she should've thought of that before she totally dissed my idea.
Well, in all fairness, that's when she thought this thing had no chance and was going to be a giant embarrassment.
Logan, she made a mistake.
Come on, it's Lindy.
You're right.
Lindy, this is crazy.
I cannot believe I didn't think of this before.
Yes? Could you make mine a lemonade? Why were you in the janitor's closet? I can't tell you.
Well, fine.
Then I'll be forced to jump to my own conclusions.
Most of them will be quite bizarre.
Remember, that's coming from me, and I've got a pretty high bizarre-bar.
Is that really how you want to play it, Garrett? Okay, fine.
I found a rundown, broken bathroom and did a little re-modeling.
Wow! I love that smell.
Is that Jasmine? No, she's not allowed to use it.
I've been binge-watching episodes of Barracuda boardroom, and I have come up with an idea that will guarantee our veggie spray will be a success.
All right.
Well, you're the idea man.
Whatcha got? Blue.
What? We make the spray blue.
What are you talking about? What do kids love? Color.
What is blue? A color! You're welcome.
Here's an idea, idea man.
Stop coming up with ideas.
The spray is fine.
Blue's dumb.
Blue is dumb? Tell that to the ocean.
Or the sky.
Two blue things people happen to love! People also like clear things.
It's clean.
It's natural.
It's already in the bottles.
Plus, it's not your decision, and I say no.
You're not being a very good partner.
Neither are you.
And you're not being a very good brother.
For your information, I'm not your brother.
Unless you meant from another mother.
Or brotha, as in street slang, meaning friend.
I don't like that Lindy's not a part of this.
She wants it so badly, she's like a little kid with her face pressed up against the window of a pet store.
Oh come on, that's not true.
Isn't it? Oh, man, that is so sad.
I can't stand to look at that face.
So you know what we have to do? Absolutely.
Logan! I'm making an executive decision for the both of us.
Lindy's in and I'm going to tell her.
Well, she's not the only one who can make an executive decision.
Ah, blue! Wow! Barracuda boardroom sure knows how to take care of its guests.
Look, they have little Barracuda napkins.
And they have little Barracuda mints.
They even have little Barracuda Barracudas.
Guys, I just want you to know how happy and grateful I am to be a part of this team.
And I'm just as passionate about super happy yum yum whatever-the-heck- it's-called as you are.
We know you are, and we're glad you're here.
We're going to be so rich in a little while.
What are we going to do with all that money? Well, I know what I'm going to do.
Throw a summer party.
Oh, why can't you do that now? On the moon.
I think I'm gonna take my share and open up a chain of centers for advanced veg-ucation.
Let the word go.
See, I'm not going to be one of those instant millionaires who invests in something stupid.
What do you think about underwater hotels? I'm pretty confident whatever business you go into will end up underwater.
You guys, excuse me.
I've got to go take care of a little business of my own.
Which will also end up underwater.
Welcome to Barracuda boardroom, where fledgling inventors pitch their ideas to wealthy entrepreneurs in hopes of securing start-up capital.
Meet the billionaire Barracudas.
I started a business in my garage.
Now I don't need a garage because I buy a car for a day and I throw it out.
I earned my billions the old-fashioned way.
I married into it.
After getting my doctorate from Harvard, I invented an app that reproduces the sound of a lion roar.
Every time you hear I hear ka-Ching.
And now entering the Barracuda boardroom, five best friends who have invented a spray that improves the taste of vegetables.
It's called happy time flavor-changing yum yum spray.
Hello, my name is Logan.
And I'm Jasmine.
And Barracudas, have we got a product for you.
I'm out.
Out? But why? We haven't even shown you our product yet.
Oh, he knows why.
Well, if you're out, you're missing out on an amazing opportunity.
It's time for you to get veg-ucated.
Stick to the script! Fine.
Everybody knows that eating healthy is important, but not everybody loves the taste of healthy vegetables.
Tell me about it.
Not one of my nannies can get my kid to eat his broccoli.
We think with your investment, we can get every kid in America to say Mmm-mmm, more veggies, please! I love this! I think this could be a billion-dollar idea.
And he should know.
He made a billion dollars off an underwater hotel.
We can't buy it if we don't try it.
Blue? Seriously? You added blue to the spray after I said no? Yeah.
Like when you added Lindy to the spray after I said no.
I can't work with you anymore.
That is your decision.
But you will always get your 12% discount at Logan's undersea lodge.
Discounts are non-transferrable and subject to blackout dates.
Guys, I think they like it.
You know, I'm not usually a fan of vegetables, but this is really tasty.
And don't you think kids are going to love the fun blue color? I do.
Look, I've got questions about patents and manufacturing costs, but I think this is phenomenal.
I'm prepared to make a big offer.
We'll take it.
Shouldn't we hear what the offer is? We know what it is.
Money! What was that? That Is the proud roar of healthy digestion! That was no roar.
Believe me, I know roars.
Mr.
Barracuda, sir, how long until commercial? Oh, no.
Is something wrong? Wrong? No, of course not.
The only thing wrong would be if the Barracuda boardroom blew their this opportunity to invest in our amazing product.
Happy time flavor-changing yum yum spray.
Right, guys? Guys? So who's ready to invest? That was not cool.
It's your fault.
You had to make it blue! This happened because you changed the formula.
You don't know that it was my fault.
Chemistry is not an exact science.
It is exactly an exact science! Logan has just been blue-vomited on by his partners.
Let's see how the Barracudas respond.
Well? So I'll take that as a yes? Lindy, are those chili fries? Turkey chili.
Sweet potato fries.
Just leave me alone.