I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s01e11 Episode Script

Jeannie.
l have enjoyed having you here to visit me.
When you get home, be sure to give my love to the family.
Jeannie.
Have a pleasant journey, and be sure to write.
-Jeannie.
-Oh, good morning, master.
Your breakfast is almost ready.
Never mind about the breakfast.
Who were you talking to? -No one.
-l heard you.
l heard you.
You know what's gonna happen to me if anybody catches you here.
Now, who were you talking to? My aunt Fatama.
She's been visiting me here all week.
Oh, but do not worry.
She's returning home today.
How could your aunt Fatama be here all week? l haven't seen her.
Well, l know.
l did not want her to disturb you, master.
Aunt Fatama is a lovely woman, but she never stops talking.
Yeah.
Well, at least l could've said goodbye to her before she left.
Oh, she has not left yet.
Would you like to say goodbye? Sure.
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.
Where is she? Master, this is Aunt Fatama.
Aunt Fatama, Captain Nelson.
-Jeannie, l'm home.
-l am out here, master.
Boy, you should've seen me in the lab today.
Jeannie! What are you doing? Get down off my towel.
What if one of the neighbours sees you? But, master, you know how restful it is up here.
Yes, yes, yeah, l know.
But come down here.
Come up here.
Take these trunks off.
No, l don't mean-- l mean, what if somebody looked over the wall? Oh, master, you worry too much.
This patio is private.
Not anymore it isn't.
This is Custer's.
Now you've gotta get out of here.
Custer to Captain Nelson.
-Hi.
-Hi.
My third stage malfunctioned.
Well, that happens to us down at the cape occasionally.
-What went wrong? -Fuel trouble.
l guess l didn't mix enough vinegar with the baking soda.
Well, you can try another space probe tomorrow, huh? Gee, l wish l was a real astronaut like you.
They send up monkeys and mice but l don't see what they've got against kids.
That's for me.
l gotta go do my homework.
-Sounds like '' Reveille.
'' -lt was.
But it's the only bugle call Mom knows how to play.
Blast off! l'm back.
Jeannie, l don't mind you levitating.
l like it myself, but not out here.
But the sun is out here, master.
There.
ls this not more pleasant? Well, l guess you could consider it part of the space program.
Has anyone see my--? Crew? You will wear yourself out, master.
Would you like to float a while? No, no, not again.
We were seen the last time.
-What does it matter? -What does it matter? How am l going to explain it to that kid? And you-- You know he's gonna ask.
l just hope he hasn't-- Jeannie! Jeannie.
Kitchen.
Jeannie.
-Good evening.
-Hello, Major Jamison.
l wasn't expecting anybody.
As a matter of fact, l was just going to bed.
At 7:00? Sorry to bother you, captain, but we need your help.
Well, what can l do for you, sir? You can help me straighten out my son.
lt's just that Custer's imagination runs away with him.
lt wasn't my imagination.
Weren't you and that lady floating in the air? Tell them.
See what l mean? Talk to him.
Hi there, Custer.
Say, you probably know more about space mechanics than any boy your age.
So you of all people should realize that ordinary people just can't float in the air.
-But l saw you.
-Yeah.
lf you can tell me how, under normal circumstances a person can float in the air l'd be willing to admit it.
There's someone in the kitchen.
l'm sorry we intruded, Captain Nelson.
You didn't.
Not at all, sir.
-Didn't you hear that? -Let's get home, dear.
We've taken up enough of Captain Nelson's time.
Boy, grownups sure have bad ears.
lt sounded like a girl giggling.
Now, thank Captain Nelson for explaining everything to you.
But he didn't.
Well, he did to my satisfaction.
You'll understand when you're older.
Come along.
-Good night, captain.
-Good night.
Good night.
-lf l could help again.
-Not at all.
l like that boy.
One of these days you're gonna go too far.
Oh, have no fear, master.
l will always come back.
Jeannie.
Come on, l've gotta study.
Oh, but why, master? When you take your test l can be a little voice whispering in your ear.
Like this.
Now, Jeannie, l'm gonna do this on my own.
Please.
Besides, what do you know about celestial navigation? Oh, l learned a few things in my day.
From Galileo.
Well, l had a feeling he didn't spend all his time gazing at the stars.
Truly! Some days it does not pay to get out of the bottle.
-And then she disappeared? -ln smoke? Let's go back and see Captain Nelson.
-l gotta find out how he does it.
-Custer.
l know.
l'm restricted to barracks.
Nancy, l simply cannot cope with him any longer.
We need professional help for your son.
My son? You're the one ordered me to have a boy.
Yes, but not this one.
Doctor, it just isn't normal for a kid to keep on fabricating these stories.
Major, l appreciate your problem but there just aren't enough hours in the day of an Air Force psychiatrist as it is.
Who's to say what's normal when it comes to kids? l'm sure it's merely a phase he's going through.
Well, l wish he'd go through it without stopping on the way to see Tony Nelson float in the air.
Captain Tony Nelson? Yes.
Custer is always hanging around him.
Why, he worships the ground that astronaut lifts off from.
Of course, if you're too busy.
l'm never too busy to reach down and take a little boy by the hand to guide those stumbling little feet on the path to manhood to make him open up his little psyche and say, ''Ahh.
'' -He's right outside.
-Bring him in.
Custer.
Come in, Custer.
l'm Dr.
Bellows.
l just want you to make yourself comfortable.
Now, Custer, tell me exactly what happened in your own words.
Just begin at the beginning.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
How can you hear with that whatchamacallit in your ears? Custer, Custer.
Thank you.
All right, son.
-How about lying down on the couch? -l'm not tired.
Well, l just want you to be comfortable while you talk to me.
l'm comfortable here.
Custer to Earth.
l've just completed one-man orbit.
Now, Custer.
No more orbits.
They make me dizzy.
What other games have you got? Let's talk about the game when you saw Captain Nelson float in the air.
That wasn't a game.
That was real.
You think l'm some sort of schizophrenic? Must be a secret trick the astronauts have learned.
He might have experienced a weightlessness reaction from a simulated flight.
He must've taught the girl the trick.
Girl? What girl? The one he made disappear in a puff of smoke.
Boy, l wish l could do that.
Now, you know that's impossible.
Custer, l believe you.
-You do? Honest? -Yes.
l'm your friend, Custer.
And l'm also Captain Nelson's friend.
Anything he does concerns me because it concerns the space program.
Do you understand? You and l are gonna try to help Captain Nelson.
lt'll be our secret.
Gee, what do you want me to do? l want you to keep your eyes open and l want you to report to me anything you see that's out of the ordinary.
-l'll do the rest.
-Okay.
-Dr.
Bellows? -Yes, Custer? Do head shrinkers give lollipops? You mean to say this is the kind of dancing they do nowadays? Yeah, something like that.
lt's like our harem dancing.
Yeah, only with more clothes on.
Custer, what are you doing here? l was on a reconnaissance flight.
Well, purely in the interest of the space program anything peculiar going on? She's done it again.
She disappeared.
Are you sure she was there? Really grabs you, huh? -What's going on here? -He'll hear us.
Well, it's been years since l've nabbed me a peeping Tom.
l think l hear my mom's bugle.
Officer, you're making a mistake.
l'm a psychiatrist.
Same thing.
First time l've seen a peeping Tom giving on-the-job training.
Officer, if you'll just ring the bell, Captain Nelson will vouch for us.
Don't worry.
l'll do that little thing.
-Jeannie, where are you? -I am here.
I saw Custer at the window.
Good girl, good girl.
Just stay where you are, wherever that is.
-Yes? -Sorry to bother you, Captain Nelson.
Caught these two looking in your window.
-You didn't.
-Please tell him who l am.
-Do you know him? -Yes, officer.
l know this man.
l must admit, l'm shocked by this behaviour.
Well, if you know him, l guess it's okay.
l wouldn't go looking in people's windows after this if l were you.
Thank you very much.
-Anything for you, Captain Nelson.
-Right.
You may have been wondering why we were looking in your window.
l'm gonna get right to the point, Captain Nelson.
There are some things going on around here that scream for an explanation.
-Oh, yes, sir? -Yes.
l have an eyewitness here who says he saw you dancing a few moments ago with a girl who seems to have vanished.
Yes, yes, she seems to have vanished.
Custer, shouldn't you be in bed? Why, Captain Nelson.
She was a beautiful blond with long hair.
A blond? Did you see a blond? No.
Of course not.
l hate blonds.
Tell me, captain are there some experiments with weightlessness at the base that l haven't been informed about? He's doing it again.
Dr.
Bellows! Doing what, Custer? He was just this high off the floor.
ls your mother's bugle broken, Custer? Come on, captain.
Do it again.
Can you go up in the air any time you want? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
There he goes again, doctor.
Custer, tomorrow we're gonna have your eyes checked.
We'll be running along now.
l'm sorry to have bothered you, captain.
Anytime, Dr.
Bellows.
l wish he'd teach me how to float like that.
There he goes again! Come on, Custer.
You'll feel much better when we get those glasses fitted.
Here we are.
All right, Jeannie, put me down.
Thanks.
Good evening, master.
Jeannie, don't play those little tricks, please.
What tricks? Thou art so nervous.
lt's just that every time l turn around l expect Custer to pop out.
Well, l can take care of that.
l will not have you tormented.
Well, l'm not so crazy about it myself.
Dr.
Bellows thinks l'm coming apart at the seams as it is.
lf you see any loose threads hanging off me, don't pull them.
Oh, master, l'm so pleased.
-Pleased? -Yes.
Because now you need me, and l can help you.
Oh, l can offer you many solutions to this problem.
All l need is one.
Oh, but it's a simple matter.
-l can turn him into a fro-- -You'll turn him into nothing.
An excellent idea.
No, no.
l mean, leave him alone.
-But, l-- -No buts.
No buts.
l'll handle this my way, do you hear? Oh, but, master-- Yes, master.
Yeah.
Nelson here.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Jamison.
Yeah? No, no.
Custer hasn't been around here all day.
He-- Well, you know how boys are.
Yeah.
Sure, sure.
lf l see him, l'll give you a ring.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Custer has disappeared.
Custer has disappeared.
Custer has disappeared! Custer has disappeared! Jeannie! Jeannie.
You come out of there.
Yes, master.
Don't you ''yes, master'' me.
What have you done with Custer? l have not done anything with Custer.
Don't give me that.
He's been missing since early morning.
Well, l do not have him.
l didn't say you had him.
l asked what you've done with him.
-You are yelling at me.
-You haven't heard me yell yet.
You were gonna turn him into nothing.
Well, l did not do that.
Custer will turn up.
Yeah, but what as? A pollywog or a parakeet? Or something really sensational, like a rutabaga? You do not believe me.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
A little kid like that who never did you any harm.
Jeannie, come back.
Bring Custer back.
This is your master calling! l'm sure he's all right, honey.
After all, no rockets left for Mars today.
l was only fooling, dear.
Honestly.
-Here, Nancy.
Take this.
-No, no.
Thanks for coming over, doctor.
You've been a great comfort.
That could be some news.
Oh, Custer, Custer, darling.
ls he back yet? ls there--? ls there anything new in the house? -What? -Well-- Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
l mean, since Custer left have you noticed anything that wasn't here before? -That's new.
-Where'd it come from? l found it in Custer's room this morning.
On his bed, next to his pyjamas.
Water it every day.
He's a growing boy.
There's a new goldfish.
Does that count? Does it count? -Which one? Which one? -lt's the one with the brown eyes.
Custer.
Custer.
Captain, l know how upset you must be over Custer.
Sir, l have a confession to make.
Tell me, captain.
Unburden yourself.
This is all my fault.
l can't keep it a secret any longer.
-Your fault? -lt's liable to finish me but l've got to tell you.
Yes, yes? l know what happened to Custer.
l have this friend, and she thought Custer-- Hi.
Custer, darling.
Where have you been? There's this carnival at the edge of town.
They've got the neatest centrifuge ride.
l didn't think you'd mind.
You've been at the carnival all day? l was gonna call you and tell you where l was only l wouldn't have had money for popcorn.
And, hey, Captain Nelson, l know how you do that floating trick.
-What do you mean? -l saw a lady at the carnival do the exact same thing.
Even disappeared in a puff of smoke.
What did she look like, huh? Big fat lady with dark hair.
Oh, l'm so relieved.
Captain Nelson, let's have coffee and coffeecake.
No, l'm sorry, Mrs.
Jamison.
l've gotta find somebody and apologize to her.
How about that confession? Yeah, well, how about that? Now, Custer, my boy, let's start at the beginning and go over everything you saw very carefully.
Jeannie.
Look, how wrong can a fellow be? l hope you'll forgive me but l won't blame you if you don't.
Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Hey, Jeannie.
Jeannie.
Hi.
Oh, Jeannie, how wrong can a fellow be? l won't blame you if you don't forgive me.
l hope you will.
Never.
Do not bother me.
l am choosing a new planet.
l will not stay where l am not wanted.
Who said that, huh? Who said that? Who said you weren't wanted? l will find a master up there who does not hate blonds.
Jeannie, l didn't mean that.
You know, we have a custom on this planet called '' kiss and make up.
'' l would know more of this custom.
l am truly sorry.
l'll never accuse you of anything like that again.
You promise? l promise.