I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s01e16 Episode Script

Jeannie.
Jeannie? Jeannie? What's the matter? l do not know, master.
l feel so weak, as if all my strength had gone.
You should've left me in my bottle on the beach so l would not be any trouble to you.
You're no trouble.
Perhaps it is finally my age.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're the youngest 2000-year-old woman l've ever known.
You probably have a touch of the virus.
You-- You get a lot of rest today and l'll go to the base and grab-- You must not leave without your breakfast.
lf you're not feeling well, l'll get breakfast at the base.
No.
l will feel even worse if l do not attend my master.
-Are you sure? -Oh, l am sure.
All right.
Half an egg? You really aren't well, are you? Jeannie.
l'd ask you to conjure up a doctor but l'd hate to see what he'd look like.
Young lady, you're going to bed.
l mean right now.
Oh, well, l-- l am sure l will be all right, master.
Now, who's the master around here? Now, you lie down on that couch and you get plenty of rest today.
l'll give you a ring later on, okay? Bye.
My car's in the shop.
l have to call a cab.
l will conjure one up for you, master.
No, no, no, l'm not kidding-- And after that, l will lie down all day.
l promise.
All right, if you're sure.
Okay.
-Hi, Roge.
-Good morning.
Well, congratulate me.
l am about to fall in love again.
Oh, yeah? What's her name? -l don't know.
l haven't met her yet.
-Oh, Roge.
Now, come on.
l mean it.
According to my horoscope a beautiful, gorgeous brunette is entering my life today.
Horoscope? You're kidding.
l see we have another sceptic.
You see this? ln two weeks, this horoscope hasn't been wrong.
l happen to be a Libra, and Venus is my ruling planet.
-You're telling me.
-See these two parallel lines? They indicate a beautiful Sagittarius is crossing my path today.
See? -Kind of skinny, isn't she? -Very funny.
Very funny.
l'll tell you when l meet her.
When were you born? Twenty-fifth of July.
July the 25th? July.
That's a Leo.
July the 25th.
Leo, Leo, Leo.
Mars is your solar fifth house.
Today you're going on a trip.
A long, long trip to a far-off place.
Well, l am testing a new module.
-What did l tell you? -lndoors.
lndoors or outdoors, what do you expect from a 35-cent magazine? Hey, wait a minute.
lt also says you're going to meet many strangers.
Nobody any stranger than you.
Hey, look at this! Jupiter's in direct juxtaposition to Mercury today.
How about that? That's the first time that's happened in 2000 years.
You don't really believe this, do you? l mean, you're an astronaut.
l know.
But l don't wanna take any unnecessary chances.
Hey, look, we'd better be going.
Dr.
Bellows is waiting for us.
Okay.
l just gotta make a phone call.
All right, but l wouldn't keep him waiting too long if l were you.
Hello? Oh, hello, Jeannie.
How you feeling? Oh, master, l'm so glad you called.
l do not wish to worry you but one of my feet is missing.
Missing? Well, where did you put it? l mean, how could one of your feet be missing? lt just vanished.
No.
Now, that's impossible.
You must have misplaced it.
You look for your foot while l wait.
Try the end of your leg.
No? Did you look behind the couch? lt has come back, master.
Good girl.
l knew you'd find it.
But l'm losing my hand.
Now, don't let your hand get away from you.
Hold your hand with your other hand.
Don't panic.
lt could happen to anybody.
l have it back.
But l feel so weak.
Now, you stay there and hold on to your hands and feet until l get there.
And if they start to disappear again-- lt's been nice chatting with you.
-Who was that, captain? -An old friend, sir.
-A man or woman? -Woman.
And her arms and her legs are missing? No, sir.
They're back.
l mean, it sounds like a case of delirium tremens.
Your friend drinks a lot? l think it's safe to say she spends most of her time with her bottle.
At least l think l see.
With you, l never know.
l owe you a lot, captain.
-Me, sir? -Yes.
At one time, l was thinking of retiring.
l was getting bored.
But do you know something? Once you came to the space program, l haven't had one boring minute.
Oh, well, l'm glad l'm able to amuse you, sir.
Oh, l'm not amused.
l'm baffled.
And l'm gonna stay right here until l get to the bottom of what it is about you that baffles me.
l'm really a very simple man.
Of course you are.
You drink salt water.
You keep horses in your living room.
You carry on conversations with bottles.
And you know what you said to your friend when her hand disappeared? '' Don't panic.
lt could happen to anyone.
'' Just a figure of speech, sir.
l'm going to add it to my collection.
You have a test coming up, captain.
l'll meet you in the testing room.
Jeannie, what are you doing here? l told you to stay home and rest.
lt is no use, master.
Something has happened to me.
l am vanishing.
No.
No, all you need is a good night's sleep.
l cannot understand what has happened to me.
lf you don't feel better by tonight, we'll get you a good doctor.
No doctor could-- What is this, master? lt's just some nonsense Roger left here.
-Jeannie, it's very important that-- -Master, look! -Jupiter and Mercury are together.
-Oh, fine, fine.
-l have to go to the test-- -This is the day of the Ram.
Good.
lt's about time they won a game.
You do not understand.
On the day of the Ram, every genie and master must make a pilgrimage to Mecca.
l faced east when l shaved this morning.
lsn't that enough? -You don't really believe in-- -Please do not jest, master.
lt is why l have been so ill today.
lt is written that on this day, my master must appear in the thieves' market at the Well of Madahar face the Minaret of the Rising Sun, and repeat the sacred words.
l've gotta be in a test chamber with Dr.
Bellows in two minutes.
Oh, please, master.
lf Ramdah is not appeased, l shall lose my power and disappear into limbo forever.
Will you stop believing this superstitious nonsense.
Now, l want you to go home and lie down.
Hello.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
l'm on my way.
Yes.
All right, captain.
We're gonna concentrate on your reaction to re-entry oscillations.
Any specific directions, sir? Oh, we'll give you your directions during the ride.
Affirmative.
All right.
Hold on, Tony, l'll give you some pitch and yaw.
How you feeling, captain? What a ride.
We'll stabilize the vehicle.
Stand by for the next manoeuvre.
What are you doing here? l work here, captain.
I wasn't talking to you, sir.
He's doing it again.
You've gotta get out of here.
Master, we must leave for Mecca now, while there is still time.
l'm not going to Mecca! Did you say you're not going to Mecca? l said, '' l'm not going to make it.
'' l think you'd better bring me down.
Jeannie, you gotta get out of here right now.
All right, master.
Farewell.
What's the matter? l am losing my hand.
Are you on the level about this Mecca thing? lt is the only way we can save me.
Okay.
Okay, l'll-- l'll go.
Can you hold on? l'll try.
But you will get into trouble if you leave here now.
Oh, forget about that.
I'll meet you at home.
Okay.
-Captain.
Captain! -Yes, sir.
Captain, l want to see you in my office in five minutes.
Could we make it tomorrow, sir? l've got an emergency-- This is an emergency, captain.
How did you know we would meet today, captain? You can't fight fate.
Roger, l wanna talk to you a minute.
Well, here she is.
Out of my horoscope, into my life.
This is Tony Nelson.
Pardon me, Diane.
Hi.
How are you? Very nice to meet you.
You mean it works? l told you, it never fails.
May l speak to you alone, please? Yeah.
l'll be right back.
Don't go away-- You remember the time you said l was gonna take a trip -and meet strangers? -Yeah.
That time has come.
l need a favour.
Make it a short favour.
Diane's waiting.
l want you to get in Bellows' office, keep him busy for a couple hours.
Keep him busy? How? Well, l don't know how.
Talk about astrology.
Oh, come on.
He'll think l'm crazy.
Yeah.
That's the idea.
l'll be back as soon as l can.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where will you be if l need you? Mecca.
Okay, Jeannie.
Come on.
Get us to Mecca.
Oh, bless thee, master.
l hope it is not too late.
Take hold of my hand.
Jeannie? Jeannie! Jeannie, where are you? l'm sorry, master.
l had to stop and change.
Oh, your legs.
Yeah.
Well, let's look for that Well of the Madahar-- -Master, we are in trouble.
-What's the matter now? l've forgotten where the thieves' market is.
-We can't stand around here.
-What are we going to do? Talk to the first thief that comes along.
May l assist you, if l can? Move along, sister.
l'll take this one.
-He's with me.
-l'm with you too, baby.
You two cats wanna dig the scene? We're looking for the thieves' market.
We're in a hurry.
Thieves' market? l never heard of that one.
Let's see, there's the Cockeyed Camel the Purple Pyramid, the Fez West.
What is this place? A discotheque? No, no, no.
Thou does not understand.
Look, baby, let me take you to the Basin Street Middle East.
Man, it swings.
We're looking for the thieves' market near the Well of the Madahar.
l get it! Souvenirs.
l can steer you to all that jazz.
Persian rugs, pictures of pyramids till you hold them up to the light.
-No, no.
The old thieves' market.
-You gotta be kidding.
That jazz went out with high-button veils.
-What you kids want-- -The thieves' market.
-No watusi joints? No souvenirs? -Where is it? You're standing on it.
Good luck, baby.
Don't save all your money in one place.
-Now we find the Well of the Madahar.
-Look! Look, there it is! -Oh, master, l am saved! -Look.
Oh, no! What's the matter? l tried to stamp my foot and look.
lt's getting faster.
-What did you say about a minaret? -The Minaret of the Rising Sun.
You must face it when you repeat the sacred words.
All right.
Let's look for that.
And hurry.
Jeannie.
Wait! There it is! See it now? -Yeah, yeah.
-lt is the tall one.
Quickly now.
Point your right arm toward the minaret -palm upward.
-Yeah.
Take your left hand and put it under your right elbow.
-Right.
-No, palm upward also.
lt is good luck.
Do as they do.
lt must be a native custom.
-Lift your left leg from the ground.
-Right.
l say, miss.
l've a game left leg.
Rugger at Cambridge.
Would the right one do? No, these are new Canadian Air Force exercises.
You and your native customs.
We had to come -Okay, now, master.
-All right, just a-- l'm terribly sorry, sir.
Come on, Jeannie.
Do we really have to do this? Oh, yes, master.
Ramdah commands it.
Thanks.
Here.
Now repeat these words.
-Bottle to genie.
-Bottle to genie.
-Genie to master.
-Genie to master.
-Master to Mecca.
-Master to Mecca.
-Ramdah! -Ramdah? -lt is not working.
-l'll try again.
See, perhaps the sacred place is a few steps to the left.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
Good show.
l say, is this baseball? Do you mind? Bottle to genie, genie to master, master to Mecca.
No.
l think it's a little farther.
Toward this building.
Okay.
Bottle to genie-- Yes.
Yes, this is it.
Now, eight steps to the east.
Eight steps to the east? lt's in this bank.
And it's closed.
Can't we do this some other place? No, master.
This is the only place.
What are we going to do? We're gonna break into the First National Bank of Mecca.
How are we gonna get in? l will open the door from the inside, master.
Well, try again.
Let's hurry it up.
l've never broken into a bank before.
l'm a little nervous.
Jeannie, wait.
Wait, Jeannie.
Wait.
Where do l stand? Over here.
l think.
You think? What do you mean, you think? l'm sure this is the place.
You can see the Minaret of the Rising Sun through that window.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get it over with.
-Bottle to-- -No coaching.
Bottle to genie, genie to master -Master.
-master to Mecca.
-This is the wrong place.
-Would you make up your mind.
l cannot help it.
lt has been so long.
And there was a well around here.
Well, it's probably under the floor by now.
-But where? -Well, l don't know where! We haven't got time to start digging! Pick a spot! -Here.
This is the place! -You're sure? Positive.
Well, l feel it.
l feel it.
You know what l think? l think the police are here.
Get us out.
Oh, master, it is too late.
My power is gone.
Your power is gone.
Yeah.
Your power's gone.
Come on, let's go.
Master, look! There is the Minaret of the Rising Sun.
We've been looking at the Minaret of the Setting Sun.
-Quick, do the incantation.
-All right, now, cut it out! We haven't got time.
The police are here.
-Master? -What? l cannot make it.
But you go ahead.
Jeannie, l can't leave without you.
All right.
l'll give it another try.
Bottle-- Bottle to genie, genie to master-- -Don't move.
-l'll be right with you.
-Master to Mecca, Ramdah-- -Stop, or l'll shoot! -You search her.
-Hey, hey, hey.
Quickly! My horoscope foretold a lucky day for me today.
Oh, let me tell you about mine.
Quiet! l shall probably be made a lieutenant for this.
-Perhaps even a captain.
-Good, good-- Capturing two dangerous bank robbers red-handed.
We're not bank robbers.
No, no.
We're here on a pilgrimage.
You see, this is the day of the Ram, and that young lady there is a genie.
l found her when my capsule went down on this island-- Well, you're from this part of the world.
l hardly need tell you about genies.
Pretending insanity will not help you.
You will be shot! Take him to the car.
Wait a minute.
Jeannie, do something! l'm sorry, master.
l am finished.
-Forgive me.
-But what will happen to you? l will go back into limbo.
Goodbye, master.
l love you.
-Jeannie! -What is she doing? -She's escaping, that's what.
-Stop! There's only one way to stop her.
Watch this.
Bottle to genie.
Genie to master.
Master to Mecca.
Ramdah! Oh, master, you have done it! Get us out of here, Jeannie.
Enough of this trickery.
Come along.
Where would you like to go, master? Dr.
Bellows' office.
How long have you had this dream that you're a camel? For years.
Sometimes l'm a one-hump camel and other times l'm a two-hump camel.
And how do you feel when you wake up? -Thirsty.
-Am l late? Oh.
l didn't hear you come in.
l'm afraid l won't have time to see you, Captain Nelson.
l wanna put my notes together on Captain Healey's case.
Captain Healey's case? He's been telling me the most fascinating case history l've heard.
l'm glad you enjoyed it, doc.
l guess l'll be running along.
Fine.
Plan to spend every evening next week with me.
Every evening of the next week? What for, sir? We're gonna begin psychoanalysis.
Psychoanalysis? l don't need psychoanalysis.
l'm as normal as apple pie.
Ask anyone.
Captain Healey, when a man wakes up in the middle of night and goes climbing trees in his pyjamas when he feels a compulsion to try to communicate with bees and when he has a recurring dream that he's a thirsty camel that man needs psychoanalysis.
Well, gosh, Roge.
l'm sorry.
l had no idea.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait-- What are you--? -You don't believe l really-- -Really what, captain? Nothing, sir.
How long will this analysis take? lf everything goes well, about three years.
What if l told you l made it up? Then l'd say about five years.
Do a friend a favour, huh? Roge, where are you going? l'm going to put on my pyjamas and go climb a tree! Jeannie.
Jeannie? Ready? Yes, master.
Hey.
Well, well, well.
Do l please thee? lf it took 2000 years for you to look like that it was worth every day.
You saved my life today.
Thank you.
Well, you've saved my life often enough.
l guess we're even.
Where shall we go to dinner tonight? l know! l will take you to Paris! No, no, no, thank you.
l've had enough travelling for one day.
l'm gonna take you to dinner.
ln Cocoa Beach? Anything you say, master.
Okay.
Let's go.
Oh, Jeannie, l forgot.
My car's in the shop.
-l'll call a cab.
-Oh, do not bother, master.
Oh, Jeannie, it's not happening all over again.
Oh, no, master.
But on a night like this with a moon l thought it would be more romantic.
Okay.