I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s02e08 Episode Script

[.]
[WHISTLING.]
Good morning, Jeannie.
Good morning, master.
Well, I'm on my way to the base now.
Oh, not without breakfast, master.
Everyone should start the day with a good hot breakfast.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh Uh [.]
Jeannie Yep.
I know you are always in a hurry, master.
Yeah, well But this is one time that you must take time to eat.
Yes, except for one this Oh.
Oh.
You will feel much better after you have eaten, master.
Mm.
Well, it's very good except for I-I I don't Mm.
Is it not delicious? Yeah.
Bacon a-and strawberries is a nice combination.
[GIGGLING.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
I think it's going a little too far.
Mm-hm.
There we are.
Eat it all up.
It will make you strong.
No, Jeannie, you must stop this.
Now Mm! Mm.
[LAUGHS.]
Well Well, there, master.
Was that not good? Marvelous.
There's only one problem.
Well, what is that, master? I've already had my breakfast.
[.]
[.]
[.]
[.]
I'm sorry I upset you, master, but But how was I to know you already had your breakfast? Well, it's not only today.
It's It's every day.
You don't do anything right.
You You don't have the A faintest idea of what to do as a genie.
You're an amateur's amateur.
Well, I I cannot help it, master.
I have not had much practice at being a genie.
Oh, ho, ho, yeah.
Well, I was a very young girl when the wicked jinn put me in my bottle.
Oh, and 2000 years later you rescued me.
All right, all right.
Come on, let's not get off the subject, huh? You don't You You keep making mistakes.
Every time I open my mouth, you put my foot in it.
I casually mention the Wild West, and you have me dueling in the street.
I I-I say something about, uh, pirates, and there I am I'm having a fight with Captain Kidd.
I-it's getting so I I'm afraid to say anything.
Do you know what I would do, master? Nothing.
Nothing.
But I can No, nothing.
I'm the only astronaut in the program that has a daily nervous breakdown.
All I wanted to do was give him a hot breakfast.
[.]
Morning.
You're a bundle of nerves today, aren't you? Today? Every day.
Listen, if I don't do something about Jeannie, she's gonna drive me out of my mind.
I'm Look Look at my reports.
What's? Ah, look, I wouldn't do this for too many people, but, ah, I hate to see you suffer.
I'll take her.
Yeah Believe me, Roger, it's no fun getting everything you wish for.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Look, why don't I borrow her for For a year or two, and if it doesn't work out, I'll give her back to you? Look, can't you be serious? Be serious? I've never been more serious in my life.
Look, you're dying to get rid of her and I'm dying to get her.
I'm not dying to get rid of her.
I just want her to learn how to act.
Look, Tony, I've never asked many favors of you, right? Yeah.
Well, I met this girl.
I I need Jeannie so badly.
I've gotta impress this girl.
Everybody's nuts about her.
I just want her for a week.
I'm sorry, Roger.
Twenty-four hours? No.
An hour? No, Roger.
Five minutes? Roger! Would you let her wave to me? Don't you understand? You're gonna have just as much trouble as I'm having.
Well, look, if you feel that way, why Why don't you just sit down and have a heart-to-heart master-genie talk with her.
Oh, don't you think I've tried that? It doesn't help.
She doesn't mean to get me in trouble.
It just Well, it just happens.
Well, that's probably because she's inexperienced.
She wasn't born a genie, you know.
She wasn't? No.
Of course not.
She was turned into a genie when she was a young girl.
And I guess until I came along, she She just didn't have much practice at it.
Well, why don't you give her lessons.
Yeah, sure.
Well, I better be getting to the Test Chambers.
Wh-wh-what were you saying? What was I saying? Yeah.
I was saying I better get to the Test Chambers.
No, no, no, I-I I mean about Jeannie.
That's it, you solved the prob You're brilliant! Well, I suppose I do have a knack for getting at the heart of things.
You sure do.
Well, I'm late, I, ah, better Ah, what is it I solved, exactly? Oh, well, Jeannie's doing all these things to me because she doesn't know any better.
Now, all I have to do is Is get her a book on genie.
Like, uh Uh, b Maybe the Arabian Nights.
Yeah, that's it! I'll give her a-a book on the Arabian Nights.
She can study it and learn how How genies behave.
And this-that's just brilliant of you, Roger.
Kind of a Doctor Spock at bringing up genies, huh? Hm, yeah, that's right.
Do you know how I get these intuitions about things sometimes? Yeah.
Yeah, what does it say to you? Well, it says to me that you're headed for a disaster.
And if I were you, I'd stick to the nervous breakdown.
Yes.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[.]
[HUMMING.]
[SIGHS.]
[.]
Ah, lovely.
Ha.
These washing machines are truly miracles.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Jeannie? Oh.
Jeannie.
Good evening, master.
Oh, hi.
I, uh, brought you a present.
Oh.
A gift! Yes.
Oh, you are the most generous master I've ever known.
Well, it's really not that much, Jeannie.
It's just Oh, you are always doing things for me.
Yea Well, it's not that, uh, big a thing Deal, you know.
It is candy.
Uh, no.
No Oh, I love candy, master.
[LAUGHS.]
Jeannie, it's It's not candy.
It's a book.
Book? Yes.
JEANNIE: Tales Of The Arabian Nights.
Oh! It is a book about my hometown.
Oh, I shall enjoy reading this, master.
As a matter of fact, I'd like you to study it.
Study it? Yes.
Oh, it's It's full of exciting stories about genies and their masters, and you said this morning you didn't know much about being a genie, and I thought you could use this book as As kind of a textbook.
Oh! You mean you wish me to do what the genies in these stories do? It's not so much what they do.
It's what they don't do.
I don't pretend to be an expert on genies, but I I guess I know as much about them as the next man.
If there's anything a genie shouldn't do, it's drive their masters up the wall.
Oh, I do not mean to drive you up a wall I I know, I know I know you don't.
But we're not gonna have that problem now.
You see, all you have to do is follow the book.
Oh.
Follow the book.
That's right.
"And the genie bowed low and said to Aladdin, 'My wish is your command.
'" [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
That's wonderful.
You see? [CHUCKLING.]
Well I should've bought that book for you about a year ago.
Well, I will begin reading it tomorrow, master.
No, ah, we don't have any time to lose, Jeannie.
I'd like you to start reading it right now.
Okay? Now? Yeah.
[.]
[WHISTLING.]
[SIGHS.]
[.]
Master.
Oh, did you finish the book? No, master.
I cannot do as this book says.
[STAMMERING.]
Now, Jeannie, uh, we discussed this.
Now, you're gonna do exactly as it says.
But, master, you would not like it.
N You mean, you wouldn't like it.
It's time you learned a little discipline.
Oh, but I have discipline You're gonna have to behave like a proper genie.
Is that clear? No.
A proper genie does not Argue with her master.
Now, I want you to go and finish that book.
And And that's an order.
[SIGHS.]
Very well, master.
You are sure that is what you wish? Yes.
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
Yes, master.
[.]
"And the Blue Djinn said, 'The first thing you must do 'is to get your master at your mercy.
This is easier than you realize.
' Hm.
I should say so.
"'You must trick him.
Catch him off guard.
When he is at your mercy, torture him.
'" [.]
Torture him! No! Master! Have you finished it already? Oh, no, master.
It is a terrible book.
Jeannie, for you it's terrible, for me it's great.
I cannot do the things it says.
I'm gonna give you a choice.
Either you behave like the genies in that book, or you're gonna have to get out of here.
Do you mean that? I certainly do.
Oh Very well, master.
I tried.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"And the Blue Djinn said, 'And now, oh, genies, I will reveal to you 'ten ingenious tortures that I have devised.
[SOBBING.]
The first one is known as the torture ' Oh Oh, no! [.]
[HUMMING.]
Major Healey.
Jeannie, don't you ever knock? I I am sorry, Major Healey, but I have to talk to you.
I I-I need your advice.
Well, I haven't advised too many genies before, but, uh, what's your problem? It is Major Nelson.
Ah, you mean the book.
You know about it? Know about it? He doesn't make a move without me.
Well, it is a terrible book.
If I do the things it says, Major Nelson will hate me and want to get rid of me.
Major Nelson will hate you and want You got to do exactly what that book says.
Exactly what Exactly.
[.]
If I do, he will not like it.
You're wrong.
He'll love it.
Well, he cannot have read that book.
Tales of the Arabian Nights? Ho-ho-ho.
He was brought up on it.
He was? Yeah.
And if you don't do exactly what that book says, he's going to be very angry.
Are you sure of this? Sure of it? I know him like a book.
And that's the book.
Modern men have strange ways.
Ahem.
Well, any time you need my advice, uh, just pop in, huh? I will.
Thank you, Major Healey.
[.]
Mm-hm.
Jeannie.
Good night.
Good night, master.
Oh, have you finished the book? Oh! I have finished the first three chapters.
Oh, good.
Good.
Are? Are you getting an idea of how I want you to behave? I am afraid I am, master.
[LAUGHS.]
Fine, I feel better already.
If you feel better, I feel better.
Mm-hm.
Well, you You get a good night's sleep.
Tomorrow's gonna be a A wonderful, wonderful day.
[.]
Good night, master.
Good night, Jeannie.
Good night.
[TONY SCREAMS.]
Aah! Oh! Jeannie! [.]
A bed of nails? Yeah, that's right.
Well, why she? Would she want to do a thing like that? Ya I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I went looking for her, but she disappeared.
Maybe I was too hard on her, huh? Yeah, you were too Oh! Oh, no, no, no, you're too easy on her.
Easy.
Heh-heh.
Too easy? You know how genies are.
You give 'em an inch, and they take a mile.
Heh-heh.
Yeah.
I-I don't know.
I thought that book would help her.
Uh, Tony? Have you read The Tales of the Arabian Nights? No.
Good.
Hm? I mean, it's good for genies.
Heh-heh.
You have her do exactly what that book says.
Yeah, I tried.
Be firm.
You're the master, remember? Yeah.
Firm.
Yeah, you're right, Roger.
You're I don't know what I'd do without you.
Well, we're buddies, aren't we? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, I'll see you later, buddy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Be firm.
I'm the master.
Yeah.
Ow.
I'm the master.
Jeannie! Jeannie! Ha Hey, where have you been? Yeah, I'm You and I are gonna have a little talk, young lady.
Oh, good, master.
What shall we talk about? We're gonna talk about that book.
Oh, you want me to stop reading it.
I am so happy.
I don't want you to stop reading it.
I want you to memorize it.
Memorize it? That's right.
Sit in that chair.
And don't move until you've memorized every word.
Now, I've had a hard day, I'm going to bed.
I'll see you in the morning.
Master! What? There is your bed, master.
What do you mean my bed? What are you talkin' about? We are supposed to stay out of our bottles as much as possible.
I will sleep in your bedroom and you may sleep there.
Oh, if you think I'm gonna sleep on this, you're very much mistaken, young lady.
Ow! Jeannie! Come on, Jeannie.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Yes? What is? Oh, Dr.
Bellows.
Good evening, Major Nelson.
I just want to bring you this report.
Yes.
Oh, that's very kind of you, sir.
That's an iron gate you have in front of your bedroom door.
Well, yes.
Yeah, we've had a series of burglaries Uh, please don't explain it.
I like it better than the apple tree you had in your living room.
Yes.
It's locked.
Do you have a key? No, no.
How are you gonna get in your bedroom? Through the window.
You see Don't explain.
Uh, why not? 'Cause if you do, I'm afraid I'll understand it.
Good night, Nelson.
Yes.
Oh, uh, g-good night, uh, Dr.
Bellows.
Yes Jeannie? Let me in there.
Come on! Ow! Aah! [.]
You mean, she locked you out of your room? Yeah, with an iron gate.
Honestly, Roge, I don't know what's gotten into her.
Well, I hate to say this, uh, Tony, but I think Jeannie is run amuck.
Run amuck? Yeah.
It happens to genies sometimes.
And when it does Whew! Really? Really.
Look, you've got to get Jeannie to do exactly what that book says and don't let her argue with you.
Don't let her argue.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
Thanks, Roge.
Don't forget.
No! Run amuck? [SIGHS.]
Yuck.
[.]
Jeannie, I want to have Oh, master.
Oh, I've been so unhappy.
All I wish to do is please you.
Yeah, with what? A-a bed of nails a-and an iron door in front of my bedroom? Oh, well, I did not want to do any of those things.
Yeah, I-I suppose you had to.
We're We're not gonna have any more of that around here.
Tonight I'm sleeping in my own bed.
Oh, I am so glad.
Wh Uh, Jeannie, I can't figure you out.
Uh, you've never behaved this way before.
I mean, you used to get me into trouble, but you never planned it that way.
Oh, no, master.
I only want to make you happy.
Tell me, what can I do for you? Well, that's That's more like it.
[GIGGLES.]
Command me to do anything, master.
How many chapters of that book you read? Ten.
But I All right, I want you to do exactly what's in chapter ten.
Oh, no, master! I cannot do that Now, you said you'd do anything I wanted.
Not that, master.
Yes, that, Jeannie.
Chapter ten.
Now.
Now? Now.
[GROANS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Major Healey? Jean Oh, Jeannie.
Oh, Jea Oh, Jeannie, uh, how's it goin'? Terribly.
I think Major Nelson hates me.
Oh, he does, huh? Oh, ho-ho, he does, uh? Well, where is he now? Hanging over a hungry group of crocodiles.
A hungry group of crocodiles? He forced me to do it.
He said, "Do what is in chapter ten, now.
" Crocodiles? I do not know how to please him anymore.
If I do not follow the book, he yells at me.
If I do follow the book, he yells at me.
Lately he has been yelling at me all the time.
A-are they big crocodiles or small crocodiles? Oh, please help me, Major Healey.
Help you Oh, help Well, I am helping you, I I don't know how to tell you this, uh, Jeannie, but, uh Your master's run amuck.
Run amuck? Yeah.
It happens to masters sometimes.
When it does Whew! Really? Really.
And when it does, uh, I guess you have to find yourself a new master.
Oh, but I could not do that.
Well, is he happy? No.
He's miserable.
Well, there you are.
You mean, the only way I can make him happy is to leave him? I'm afraid so.
Well, I do not want to leave him, but if that is the only way I can make him happy, I guess I must.
But where will I go? Well, since this, uh, is an emergency, uh, why don't I come to the rescue? You mean, you would be my new master? Well, that's the least I can do for my old friend.
Thank you, Major Healey.
Well, ahem, now that that's settled, uh, why don't you run home and get your bottle and come right back? I got a few things I need.
Very well.
But I-I will release Major Nelson from the crocodiles, first.
Oh! Oh, uh Uh, don't tell him, uh, anything about this.
Just get the bottle and come right back.
Yes, I will be right back.
[HUMMING.]
Jeannie.
[GROWLING.]
I can't hold on any [YELLS.]
Jeannie! Oh! Are you all right, master? How can I be all right? I've got a genie who's run amuck.
Run amuck? Yes, yes.
It happens to genies sometimes, you know.
Well, who should know better than you? But Major Healey said that it was masters who run amuck.
Yeah.
Well, don't go around believing everything Ma Major Healey said that masters run amuck? Yes.
He said that you hated me and that the only way to make you happy was to be his genie, and Ha Do not worry, master, I am going to be his genie because I want you to be happy.
That dirty That figures, that figures.
I will leave before you start yelling and getting angry with me again.
Roger! No, no, no, no! I don't want you to go anyplace.
I-I just want you to tell me what was in that book I asked you to read.
Oh, please do not make me follow that book again, master.
I-I'm not gonna make you.
Just tell me all about it.
Well it is a book of tortures that genies do to their masters.
That genies do to their Why that Yes, master, but I'm so sorry.
I did not want to do any of them.
Oh, Jeannie, it's not your fault.
It's mine.
Yours? Yes.
But when you care for somebody, I mean, when you really care for somebody, you don't try to change 'em.
[.]
You take the good with the bad, and you You be thankful for what you got.
And I forgot to be thankful.
I tried to change you, and I was wrong.
And I'm I'm sorry.
Do you mean that, master? Yes, I mean that.
Oh.
I am so happy.
[GIGGLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What shall I do about Major Healey? May I have the book, please? Thank you.
Let's see what it says in chapter fifteen.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Uh, no [DOORBELL RINGS.]
It is Major Healey.
Come in.
Hi, Roge.
Hi, To Tony! Oh, hi Hi, Tony.
Hi.
I, uh I got a little worried there.
You didn't come back and, uh Oh, well, Major Nelson and I have been having a little talk.
Oh.
What, uh? What were you talking about? Hm? Oh, about, uh, running amuck, you know.
Oh, running amuck, huh? [ALL LAUGH.]
She told you, huh? Yeah.
Well, it was funny.
Ha, ha I wouldn't have done it, Tony, but I needed Jeannie desperately.
And, well, I tried to tell you before.
Do you remember? Oh, yes, yes, I remember.
Yes.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yes.
And, uh You wouldn't give her to me, so, I, uh [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I would love to see you with those crocodiles.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
No hard feelings? [.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you two surely know how to take a joke.
Ha, ha! [ALL LAUGH.]
Now.
N-now? Now.
[WIND HOWLING.]
Jeannie! Oh.
Go away.
Go away! Shoo! This is my iceberg.
Get your own iceberg.
This is my iceberg.
[.]
[.]